Posted tagged ‘Herman Cain jokes’

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Bowled over?

December 5, 2011

In a college football season, only one team stays undefeated all year, after beating their rival by 3 points. And that rival ends up with only the one loss. And so since it’s that close, why not a rematch in the national championship? Well, except when it was Ohio State beating Michigan 42-39 in 2006 And the Florida Gators got into the championship game. (Apparently Michigan didn’t qualify under the SEC codicil.)

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Here’s a crazy easy idea for the National Championship. Can’t be any worse. Play the big bowls Jan 1 like they used to – either the four BCS bowls or those bowls plus say, the Cotton Bowl. Vote afterwards and have the top two vote-getters play a week later.

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One reason Jim Harbaugh probably figures he made the right choice to jump to the 49ers last year: In the NFL you can lose a game and still have a chance to play for the championship.

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It seems like yesterday that many pundits figured Tim Tebow was John Elway’s taking a shot in the “SuckforLuck” bowl. Of course, I figured Alex Smith was going to serve the same function for Jim Harbaugh.

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With LSU-Alabama in the National Championship, schools in the SEC conference will divvy up $34 million. Wonder how many thousands will go for academics?

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LSU coach Les Miles was quoted on ESPN saying he is very happy to be playing Alabama. Well, yeah, a team with a mediocre offense they know they can beat. With a lot less prep work than it would take for Oklahoma State.

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The first of many Fiesta Bowl trivia items: Brandon Weeden, the OSU QB, is 28 years old. (Really.) That’s older than Alex Smith, Tim Tebow and Aaron Rodgers -Rodgers turned 28 on Friday.

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Manny Ramirez has had his second PED suspension reduced from 100 games to 50 games. Plus Manny has both hired agents AND filed for reinstatement from MLB’s retired list. Even Brett Favre is saying “Dude, give it up already.”

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There are rumors that Herman Cain may now endorse Newt Gingrich. Well, Newt may not have shown he can lead the country, but he has shown Herman a path on how to rebound from “woman issues.”

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Cain says he’s not quitting, he’s just changing to Plan B – “changing Washington from the outside.” Hmmm, wonder if Sarah Palin helped him out by writing that message on his palm with a sharpie.

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And regarding plan B, might not have been necessary if Cain had had a plan Z (as in keep your zipper zipped.)

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Busted Championship Series?

December 4, 2011

A lot of one-loss teams in college football after this weekend. What a shame that the sporting world has never figured out a way after the regular season to play such teams off against each other..

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Thanks to Southern Mississippi, BCS bowl games can all safely say “We no longer have a Houston problem.”

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Ndamukong Suh failed in his attempt to have his two-game suspension overturned. Guess NFL commissioner Roger Goddell decided to put his foot down.

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Herman Cain has told his supporters to “board the Cain train.” Which apparently has turned out be Amtrak. (And let’s hope for Herman’s sake that when he gets home, it doesn’t turn out to be a remake of “Murder on the Orient Express.”

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Some conservatives put all the allegations about women and Herman Cain down to a liberal conspiracy. But really, assuming liberals were organized enough to pull off such a conspiracy (which I doubt), wouldn’t they have waited until he was actually on the ticket to do the most possible damage?

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What’s next for the former pizza mogul? A line of t-shirts saying “I had an inappropriate relationship with Herman Cain and all I got was a lousy order of Hot Wings?

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Syracuse basketball Jim Boeheim apologized for accusing the men who said they were abused by his former assistant coach Bernie Fine of lying for money. Boeheim added that no one told him what to say and his apology is “what I feel.” Of course what Boeheim also may feel is that he would like to keep his job.

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Coca Cola had been packaging Coke in white cans for the holidays and as part of a campaign to protect polar bears. But the company is adding red cans after some consumers complained that white cans looked like Diet Coke and made the soda taste different. Can’t imagine how Americans get the reputation sometimes for being whiny wimps.

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Commissioner Larry Scott stated of the Pac 12’s 1st championship game “Of course I acknowledge there is disappointment around the fact that we’ve got a 6-6 team that fired their coach this week.” And blames the NCAA for putting USC on probation. Uh, maybe the conference could have had #1 play #2? Or not added two lousy teams (Colorado and Utah) in the first place.

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GOP presidential candidate Michele Bachmann said this week that gay people do have the right to get married, as long as they married someone of the opposite sex. Like her husband Marcus did?

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Herman, we liked you better when we hardly knew ye….

December 2, 2011

Newsmax, a conservative website, has asked Donald Trump to moderate their upcoming GOP presidential debate. Is this because thinking conservatives are looking at their choices and want someone to tell most of them “You’re fired?

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The Manchester Union-Leader said of Herman Cain, that he shows “a lack of self-awareness that should give any supporter pause.” Really? And this is the newspaper whose candidate defends marriage while having three wives, and decries lobbyists while having made $1.6 million from “consulting for Freddie Mac…

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With both his image and campaign in jeopardy, Herman Cain has launched a new website for testimonials called “Women for Herman Cain.” Hmm, wonder if the site is going to be an endorsement list, or a menu?

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Herman Cain said that his wife “now knows” about the money he gave Ginger White, and that “My wife understands that I’m a soft-hearted, giving person.” Uh, Herman, the “soft” part of your anatomy she may understand, it’s the hard part that may be an issue.

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USA Today has a list of the bonuses many college football coaches get for taking their teams to various championships and bowl games. Suppose it’s naive to be disappointed there are no bonuses listed for actually getting a certain percentage of your players to graduate…

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Britney Spears turned 30 today. So maybe there’s hope for Lindsay Lohan making it that far.

(for Britney’s 30 birthday party, wonder if she has decided to be responsible and have her children drive her home?)

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A windstorm in Northern California earlier this week has resulted in over 20,000 residents still being without power. On a brighter note, they were all named honorary San Francisco Giants.

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From my friend Alex Kaseberg: “Stevie Wonder wants to be on “Dancing with the Stars.” Ew, I just don’t think that will work; not because Stevie is blind, because he is an actual star.”

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The Philadelphia Eagles are now 4-8. And in Miami they’re sniggering “Well at least our “Dream Team” made it to the playoffs.
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From Bill Littlejohn, on former quarterback and fellow evangelist Kurt Warner offering spiritual advice to Tim Tebow: “Learn how to throw, will ya?’’

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In the Pen, State

December 1, 2011

Joe Amendola, Jerry Sandusky’s lawyer now says he might have to talk to his client at some point about pleading guilty to charges of child sex abuse.

Not that things weren’t bad enough before, but when your lawyer who married his 16 year old CLIENT after he got her pregnant (true, you can google it) thinks you’re too guilty to defend, well it’s probably over.

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So what did coaches like Joe Paterno and Joe Boeheim really say during those recruiting trips? – “Yeah we’ll carefully look after your sons, but you’d better guard their little brothers on visiting weekends.”

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The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette reports that interim coach Tom Bradley will be in charge of the Penn State football team through this year’s bowl game. Translation, as if we could find someone else to step into the middle of this mess.

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LSU coach Les Miles stands to make over $6 million this year with bonuses, further assuring the coach will stay in Baton Rouge instead of considering an pro job. Plus there’s the major advantage in getting new players in the SEC as opposed to the NFL. Juvenile records can be expunged.

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Anyone missing the NBA regular season at this point? Me neither.

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Kris Humphries now wants his marriage to Kim Kasdashian annulled, saying that it was a “fraud.” Making him perhaps the last person in America who paid attention to the marriage to figure that out.

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A Utah hunter is recovering after being shot in the buttocks when his dog stepped on a shotgun that he had laid across the bow of his boat. Guess that’s what he gets for having named the pooch “Cheney.”

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Herman Cain told Fox News he is indeed “reassessing” his campaign saying the accusations are ” constantly weighing on me and my family, especially my family, because it continues to stir in the news.” You think he might have thought his actions may have weighed on his family…?
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Meanwhile, Cain today told his supporters to “stay informed because … stupid people are running America.” Not necessarily disagreeing with him, but some even stupider people WANT to be running America.

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For Herman Cain, maybe it’s not taxes but attractive women he should have approached with the plan “Nein, nein, nein.”

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Barry Zito is apparently getting married. Well, for a change, and for his sake, let’s hope this one actually turns out to be a successful long-term contract.

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Apparently Tampa QB Josh Freeman had a minor accident and injury at a shooting range earlier this season. Freeman has thrown 16 interceptions this year; sounds like he’s as accurate with a gun as he is with a football.

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Cain touched this?

November 30, 2011

Herman Cain said he didn’t have a affair, but he simply helped a friend financially. Instead of a “Sugar Daddy” does that make him a “Sugar Cain?”

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Who says there’s no American ingenuity anymore? San Francisco supervisors voted to ban free toys in children’s meal. And McDonald’s is complying, by charging 10 cents for a Happy Meal toy. (All proceeds going to build a SF Ronald McDonald house for sick children.)

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Rick Perry warned that if elected he will deal with uncooperative federal workers by reassigning them “to some really God-awful place.” Well, at least Perry didn’t say he’d go postal on them.

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Wouldn’t it be fun if one of Herman Cain’s girlfriends was named “Nina-Nina-Nina?”

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Herman Cain apparently told his staff Tuesday he is “reassessing” the viability of his campaign after Ginger White’s allegations of their 13 year affair. “Say it ain’t so” cried the nation’s comedy writers.

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Maybe Newt Gingrich is smarter than we thought. Get all the affairs (that we know off) out of the way years before running for office. Americans have short memories and they love repented sinners.

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Rick Perry spoke to a group of New Hampshire college students and told them he’d “appreciate their vote if they were turning 21 by Nov. 12.” (The election is Nov 6, 2012.) Good thing Perry forgot the third thing he was going to tell them.

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Ann Coulter was bleeped out on MSNBC this morning when she appeared to call John McCain (R-Ariz) a “douche bag.” Was she bleeped for the language, or because MSNBC thinks either Gingrich, Cain or Romney is the real “douche bag?”

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American Airlines declared bankruptcy this morning. Wonder how long it will take them to turn that into a ticket surcharge.

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Hardest speechwriting job amongst those writing for GOP primary candidates -writing for Mitt Romney. He/she doesn’t just need to contradict the words of other candidates, but also to contradict the words of the old Romney.

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The Chicago Cubs are apparently in the running for Albert Pujols. Guess new GM Theo Epstein figures now that Pujols has a ring, he might want to spend more time with his family and have Octobers off.

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Dr. Conrad Murray got a four year jail sentence today. Wonder how many days or weeks that is in Lindsay Lohan sentence years.

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Indianapolis Colts coach Jim Caldwell fired the team’s defensive coordinator and announced a QB change, saying “We feel this is the most effective and realistic way to move forward and win games this season.” Yes, that’s “games” Plural. If this coaching gig doesn’t work out Caldwell has a great future in stand-up comedy.

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One of many questions about the various college football scandals, from Syracuse and Penn State to the more mundane ones about money. How do these smart coaches always claim their focus is all on their “kids,” but at the same time claim they have zero idea of anything bad that might be going on?

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Actually are coaches at major universities becoming the better paid equivalent of political wives? “Of course I had no reason to suspect him….”

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The latest Grate-ing debate.

November 23, 2011

If Mitt Romney becomes the Republican Presidential nominee Madame Tussaud’s will face one of their biggest challenges ever –How to create a wax figure of a wax figure.

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And tonight, in trying to come up with a witty response to Wolf Blitzer’s introduction of himself that including “And yes, my real name is Wolf,” the former Massachusetts governor stated “”I’m Mitt Romney and yes, Wolf, that’s also my first name.”

Except that Romney’s first name is “Willard.”

Great, the guy wants to be Commander in Chief and he couldn’t even get through an airport TSA inspection with a ticket that matched his legal name.

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Meanwhile, Herman Cain referred to Wolf Blitzer as “Blitz.” Could have been worse though, with the approaching holiday season Cain could have referred to him as “Blitzen.” (And at least Herman didn’t ask where Donner was.)

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Newt Gingrich is now saying we should get rid of child labor laws, and put underprivileged children to work in paying jobs. Is he running to be President, or Ambassador to China?

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Michele Bachmann said this morning that 70% of GOP voters are still undecided about their choice for the 2012 Republican nomination, which could be a boon for her. Except the problem for her and others is that 70% of voters wish someone, anyone, else was running.

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Rush Limbaugh says Michelle Obama is “uppity,” because she’s trying to tell parents she knows what to feed their children. Well, judging by obesity figures, a lot of Americans DON’T know what to feed their children. (Including, perhaps, Rush’s parents?)

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Ohio State says if the NCAA doesn’t prohibit them from going, the Buckeyes will accept a bowl bid. Actually, if the NCAA wants an appropriate punishment, they should let OSU go, but forbid the players from accepting ANY swag.

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Brigham Young has apparently broken off talks to join the Big East. What, did someone do something drastic? Like show the University president a map?

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Over 20 students in the Great Neck, New York area, have been implicated in a scandal involving college students being paid to take SAT tests for kids in high school. The most shocking thing? Apparently no football or basketball players were involved.

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So it looks like there are a number of potential victims in Florida who were looking to improve their figures. They now allege that a woman posing as a doctor injected their buttocks with a combination of tire-sealant, cement and superglue. Uh, folks, the only way superglue helps your figure is by using it on your refrigerator door.

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Newt Gingrich advocated a softer stand on immigration than his fellow GOP candidates. Was Newt just trying to be the voice of reason? Or besides his affairs does he have illegal employees in his past? (Or an affair with an illegal immigrant?)

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Although they didn’t win, Rob Kardashian and Cheryl Burke earned a perfect score on DWTS last night. Well, good to see that this year at least one Kardashian has managed a harmonious relationship with a new partner.

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From Gary Bachman: The Black Eyed Peas deny rumors they are breaking up. If they do break up, would they be called the Split Peas?

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Pizza, pizza.

November 18, 2011

Congress is now saying that in school lunches, pizza counts as a vegetable. What happened to the good old days when vegetables had to be something healthy, like ketchup?

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Regarding Congress deciding pizza is a vegetable. What’s next? Will they decide pepperoni is a pepper?

(my friend Edie hopes that cocoa beans will be classified as a legume…)

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A new study by a Northwestern professor of medicine says that at the rate we are going in America, 83 percent of men and 72 percent of women will be overweight or obese by 2020. Must be all those “vegetables” we are eating.

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After two weeks of increasingly disgusting stories out of Penn State, somehow it’s not as hard to take comments like this: According to the NY Post, Tim Tebow said that this week that the most exciting thing he did during the week wasn’t preparing for the Jets defense but announcing his foundation was building a children’s hospital in the Philippines.

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And how many sports fans were rooting for Tim Tebow and the Broncos Thursday against the Jets, if in hopes of watching Rex Ryan melt down?

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Okay, who’d a thunk a couple years ago that Tim Tebow would be having a more successful year in the NFL than Tiger Woods on the golf course?

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The Rose Bowl says if Penn State wins the Big Ten title, the Nittany Lions will be able to play in the game. Stated Chief Administrative Officer Kevin Ash: “Whoever the champions are, we’ll welcome them with open arms.” And I am sure it is just coincidence that the music playing in the Big Ten offices is “On Wisconsin.”

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If Penn State does end up in a bowl, think it’s a safe bet the halftime entertainment won’t be Boyz II Men.

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from Marc Ragovin: It’s not surprising that two of the biggest slime balls in the Penn State fiasco are two guys named Schultz and Curley. One is an incompetent Nazi, the other a Stooge

Herman Cain is the first GOP presidential candidate in this election cycle to receive Secret Service Protection. Of course what Republicans who want to win the presidency really want is protection to keep Cain from opening his mouth.

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Herman Cain’s embarrassing public gaffes have even some Republicans saying this guy has no business running for President. But maybe Cain is looking back to 2008 and trying to prove he fits the mold to run for vice-president.

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Herman Cain appeared on David Letterman tonight. At one point during a prickly exchange Herman asked Dave “Are you trying to talk me out of this? (running for President) ” And thousands of comics and would-be comics across America screamed at their television set “Nooooooooo…”

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Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are divorcing. I suppose it would be too much to ask that she is dumping him for a younger man.

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Apparently there is a strain of lab mice called Black-6 that actually voluntarily consume alcohol. Wonder if on Sundays scientists refer to their cages as “the Black Hole?”

Nonetheless, the little black mice have been named honorary members of Raider Nation.

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No joke, apparently there are now limited edition bacon-flavored lubricants and massage oils. Insert men/pigs joke here:

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Cain’t touch this.

November 16, 2011

Herman Cain had one of those “Perry in the headlights” moments the other day when asked a question about Libya. To be fair, from force of habit Cain’s first thought was “Libya, Libya? Maybe Libby? She’s lying, I never met the woman.”

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No surprise here: Justin Verlander, who has three years left on his contract with the Tigers, was a unanimous CY Young winner. Assume the award came with a note saying “Congratulations. Look for our offer in 2015,” from the NY Yankees.

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So in Italy, screwing young women is fine, it’s only screwing up your country’s economy that will get you tossed out of office. Wonder how long it will take Bill Clinton to apply for dual citizenship?

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Oops, the danger of early magazine publication deadlines: Kim Kardashian was featured in a Marie Claire article, talking about her newt marriage to Kris Humphries, and her 1st marriage to music producer Damon Thomas. “I was 19 and didn’t know myself, but it taught me what being a wife is all about…. being there for someone unconditionally.” Or at least until the wedding special airs on TV.

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Falcons coach Mike Smith is being pilloried by Atlanta fans and media for his decision to go for it on 4th and inches in OT at their own 29. But he is blaming his players for the loss saying “We didn’t execute on that play.” A few more decisions like that and Atlanta fans will be calling for Smith’s execution.

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For his Veteran’s Day tribute , Broncos WR Eric Decker caught a 56 yd touchdown pass from Tim Tebow, dropped to one knee and saluted. And got penalized for unsportsmanlike conduct. Had Decker just run around like an self-promoting idiot he would have been fine. But to be fair, maybe the officials were just in shock about that Tebow TD pass.

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Many in the GOP are referring to waterboarding simply as an “enhanced interrogation” technique. At this point I’d say replays of these never-ending Republican debates could be considered an “enhanced interrogation technique.”

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Watching Jon Stewart talking about Jerry Sandusky and his “horseplay.” Added to a long list of alleged crimes, I think Sandusky owes a major apology to the entire equine population.

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While coaches usually stick up for each other, Paterno’s long-time friend and former FSU coach Bobby Bowden said publicly this week that “Joe was a little negligent,” and “must have known more because he said ‘I should have done more'” Bowden also talked about the cover up that they could have stopped it eight or nine years ago.

Give Bowden credit for honesty, and restraint, for not saying “and you media types tried to make my life hell over stuff like free shoes…”

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Last week Tim Tebow and the Broncos became only the third NFL team in the last 25 years to win with no more than two completed passes. Herman Cain hopes to match that record as a presidential candidate.

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Some fans in Denver are having customized #15 Broncos jerseys made for holiday gifts with “Jesus” instead of Tim Tebow’s name above the number. Wonder if there’s any truth to the rumor that God is giving Jesus a football jersey with Tebow’s name on it.

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The NBA season looks like it may already be over. Which means that fans of professional basketball in the U.S. will just have to remember what team John Calipari is coaching this year.

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Congrats to Coach K on his 903th win. In many ways the Duke coach reminds us of Tony La Russa. A great leader, smart, committed to winning…. and in need of a better-looking hair dye.

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New Chicago president of baseball operations Theo Epstein said that talented but troubled pitcher Carlos Zambrano will “have the right to earn his way back to being a Cub.” Translation, no other team will trade us more than a bag of peanuts for him.

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Another rare serious thought after watching Mark Kelly, Gabby Gifford’s husband, the past two nights on television. I’m thinking if Giffords believes it would be too difficult to run again for Congress while continuing her rehab, Arizonans could do a lot worse than electing him at least temporarily in her place.

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Another “Perry in the headlights” moment.

November 15, 2011

Since deer were complaining, “Hey, we don’t look THAT stupid.”

Herman Cain’s excuse for flubbing a question on Libya – he had only had four hours of sleep. Well, and shouldn’t that make us feel all warm and fuzzy about that potential 3:00am phone call?

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In GOP Congressman Allen West’s defense of waterboarding, he cited that in the movie ‘G.I. Jane,’ Demi Moore was waterboarded. Great, what’s next? Some other congressman citing that noted terrorism expert Jack Bauer?

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After his team went to 0-10, owner Jim Irsay tweeted “FAITH.” Responded God “Hey NFL, I’m giving you Tim Tebow, how many miracles do you want?”

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Rex Ryan said the time-out called by Mark Sanchez near the end of the first half (with 17 seconds left on the play clock, thus leaving more time for Tom Brady to score), was “the stupidest thing in football history.” After watching the Falcons go for it on 4th and 1 at their own 29 against the Saints in OT, I’m not even sure it was the stupidest thing on Sunday.

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Regarding Jerry Sandusky: Who thought it would be such a short reign as “Most hated person in America” for Casey Anthony.

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Blech. Yes I know about innocent until proven guilty, but…. Jerry Sandusky in an interview with Bob Costas tonight said that he had only “horsed around with kids I have showered (with) after workouts.” Never thought I would look back with nostalgia on the innocent days of “It depends what the definition of ‘is’ is.”

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After the interview with Sandusky, Costas’ first comment was reputedly. “I need a shower…. Uh, make that a bath.”

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From my funny friend Jim Barach “Washington Nationals catcher Wilson Ramos was rescued from kidnappers in his home country of Venezuela. He says it was the scariest moment of his life. Next to the time he thought he was going to be drafted by the Cubs.”

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Patti Reagan has an article out in Harper’s Bazaar on potential first ladies., and in it she mention that Marcus Bachmann “shops for his wife’s wardrobe, coordinating her outfits so well that Michele Bachmann has bragged about his ‘good sense of style.’”. Gosh, can’t imagine how the rumors got started that Marcus is gay.

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Newt Gingrich is claiming his two week luxury cruise to Greece and Turkey gave him a better understanding of the Greek debt crisis….

Next we’re going to hear about how all those tens of thousands of people that Mitt Romney laid off gave him a better idea of how to deal with unemployment.

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Hearing voices.

November 14, 2011

Herman Cain is now at least the third GOP candidate to claim God told him to enter the Presidential race. (After Bachmann and Perry.) Maybe God really wants President Obama to be re-elected?

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So what do Jon Huntsman and Ron Paul have to do to get airtime at GOP debates? Start harrassing women and forgetting how to count?

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So when do we get to see the GOP debate we’ve all been waiting for? The one when Mitt Romney debates himself.

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Sorry, Detroit Lions: Even Rick Perry can think of three good reasons not to kick it to Devin Hester.

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One of the NY Giants said before today’s game against the Patriots that you “can’t spell ‘elite’ without Eli.” You can’t spell “unraveling” either.

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AirTrans is being sued over live cockroaches that appeared on one of their flights. On Europe’s Ryanair, they’d probably charge extra for the wildife viewing. (Or the snacks.)

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Stanford’s QB looked awfully human yesterday. Which might have been bad news for the Washington Redskins. Since the Miami Dolphins appear to have decided they no longer need to “Suckforluck.”

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A George Washington University professor of medicine resigned last month amidst allegations that she did not teach some of her classes but gave all of those students As. No confirmation on the rumor that she has received a half dozen offers to teach sports medicine to SEC football players.

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Maybe some of the Philadelphia Eagles missed their calling in not playing hockey. Seems like they would be better in a game with only three periods.

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Congrats to the ageless John Kasay: Four field goals today for the Saints including the winning kick in overtime. He may end up the first kicker to make a 50 yard field goal in his 50s.

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Kate Von D. apparently posed a angry letter today about the 19 women she said her ex-fiance (and Sandra Bullock’s ex-husband) Jesse James cheated on her with in the past year. Sounds like Kate was the only person who was surprised this happened.

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But really, 19 women in a year? Who does Jesse James think he is? Tiger Woods?

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Interesting sidelight to the Penn State story. The media is reporting that 15 adults either saw Sandusky or had “direct knowledge” of his acts and did nothing to stop him. NONE of those adults were women.

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Bus to hell moment: Gloria Cain defended her husband against allegations of sexual harrassment by saying “I know that’s not the person he is. He totally respects women.”

Not doubting Mrs. Cain’s sincerity, but isn’t it likely if asked that Mrs. Sandusky would have said of her husband “He totally loves children?”

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Decision time.

November 9, 2011

Tuesday was Election Day. I hope everyone who didn’t vote is planning cheerfully to relinquish their bitching rights for the next two years.

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This Penn State mess, as disgusting as the story appears to be, does have at least the ability to put things in perspective. For example we won’t have to hear again how the most embarrassing thing to happen in State College lately was 2010’s 33-13 loss to Illinois.

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And all of a sudden selling memorabilia and taking bribes seem so harmless by comparison.

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Rob Kardashian was considered a likely contestant to go home tonight on Dancing With The Stars. Well, his run on the show has already been more successful than his sister’s marriage.

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Albert Haynesworth has been released by the New England Patriots. Finally, something to smile about for Redskins fans. (And as my friend Pete Brody said, since I’ve posted this on Facebook, Albert’s been signed and released by three other teams.)

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Michele Bachmann now says she would add former presidents Ronald Reagan, James Garfield and Calvin Coolidge to Mount Rushmore. Should we be aghast at her choices, or pleasantly surprised that she knows the names of three ex-presidents?

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Another thought about last Sunday’s LSU – Alabama game. At least we’re not likely to need to watch it again on ESPN Classic. If that was the “Game of the Century,” then in the 1900s the Cubs were the “Team of the Century.”

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So the Michael Jackson/Conrad Murray trial MAY make doctors think twice before prescribing medicine like candy to celebrity clients. Instead the rich and famous may have to get their drugs the old-fashioned way – sending their maids to get them. (Yes, I mean you Rush.)

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Herman Cain now say it might be the “Democrat machine” behind the harassment allegations but added that he didn’t know for sure. Does this mean he’s “kissed and made up” with Rick Perry. Or that Cain now doesn’t think the Perry campaign is smart enough to have come up with the idea.

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Mitt Romney on Tuesday called the allegations against Herman Cain “particularly disturbing.” Of course it’s easy for Mitt to say. If he didn’t have five children, most Americans wouldn’t believe Romney even had had sex with his wife.

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Ah, more warm fuzzy corporate personhood: Safeway ad trumpeting “Easy Thanksgiving Entertaining.” With pre-cooked dinners for from 4-8 people of ham, turkey or prime rib including vegetables, sides, rolls and dessert, on special. Except that the specials run from Nov 9-15 only. Thanksgiving is Nov 24. So what’s a little potential botulism between friends and families?

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Okay, guys might want to skip this post. But actual instructions on a package of women’s sanitary napkins. “Wear adhesive side away from body.”

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Mississippi voters voted down an amendment to the state constitution that would have defined a fertilized egg as a person. Wonder if the Duggars’ announcement that they are expecting their 20th child had anything to do with it.

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Game of the Century?

November 5, 2011

Well, after watching LSU-Alabama hype all week I think I have figured it out – the matchup is definitely this year’s “Game of the Century.”

Tickets to the LSU-Alabama game are going for a higher price online than tickets to game 7 of the World Series. Makes sense. It’s the SEC. Some players are probably higher paid than the World Series players too.

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Brian Cashman says the Yankees won’t go after Pujols because “It’s not an efficient way to try to allocate your resources.” Uh, considering that the Yankees have over a $200 million payroll and couldn’t get past the first round of the playoffs, should Cashman be considered an expert in allocating resources?

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Boise State is ready to join the Big East, but they want the conference to add a Western Division. Well, heck, why not go all the way and add Hawaii?

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Okay, who will turn out to be stupider in this Justin Bieber paternity suit? The alleged mom, who may not have thought about statutory rape laws. Or Bieber, who says he never met her, and may not have thought about DNA testing.

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Another thought about Matty Alou. In Giants heaven maybe McCovey DOES hit that ball a foot higher?

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So Lindsay Lohan had to reshoot her Playboy cover? Not surprised, figure these days anything Lindsay does is over-exposed.

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With some saying the sexual harassment claims against Herman Cain are just political attempts to take down a front-runner, this does bring up the question – why wouldn’t “they” have gone after Mitt Romney first?

Maybe because few people in America can even imagine Mitt flirting with his own wife?

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All the comparisons of Herman Cain to Clarence Thomas are focusing on the sexual harassment claims. But another apt comparison might be in terms of their basic intelligence and competence.

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Question for all these fans of the “personhood” amendment, which says life begins at the moment of fertilization. Does that mean a company becomes a person at the moment of incorporation?

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Greg Frazier picked this up, that Stanford’s football team has a 13-0-1 streak against the spread. Meaning according to Pregame.com, if you’d bet $100 at the beginning of the streak and just let it ride, you’d have $447,351.

But as Dwight Perry said, “The bad news, if you had $447,351 riding on Saturday’s triple-OT win over USC, you’d be dead of a heart attack by now.” (Stanford won by 8 with the fumble, the spread was 7 1/2.)

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Moving on.

November 3, 2011

Moving to the Big East would mean a chance to get a guaranteed BCS bowl spot for Boise State, not to mention a lot more money. So the Idaho State Board of Education has given the school permission to pursue Big East membership. Maybe Boise State can use some that money to offer classes in Geography.

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Thinking the number one Oxymoron of the 21st century has to be “Reality TV Star.”

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Speaking of which: Some sources said that Kim Kardashian’s marriage broke up in part because Kim didn’t like Kris spending “her hard earned money.” Can someone tell me exactly what Kim actually does to “earn” money

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Peyton Manning told reporters that he’s spending every day in rehab and hasn’t given up on playing in a game in 2011. Colts fans who have been watching the team this year and watching Andrew Luck responded “Peyton, take it easy. Spend time with your family and don’t push it…”.

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Rick Perry, said in response to Jon Stewart’s suggestion that he was drunk during his New Hampshire speech, that he had not been drinking, but “It’s not that I wouldn’t love to sit down with Jon and have a glass of wine. If he’ll buy.”

Think it’s time to start a fund or a facebook group of those of us willing to contribute to the “Buy whatever wine Perry wants if he will sit down with Jon Stewart for a Daily Show interview.”

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Justin Bieber, 17, is being sued by a 20 year old woman who claims he is the father of her 3 month old baby. Now, I know not all Christians wait to get married before they have children these days, but most of them wait until puberty.

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Sad Giants news. Matty Alou passed away today. He was 72. Barely over the age at which SF might have signed him as a free agent to play in front of one of their rookies.

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Baseball gave out their “Silver Slugger” awards today to the best offensive players at each position in each league. If there were an opposite “Lead Slugger” award the SF Giants would no doubt lead the NL.

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Free-agent lefthanderJamie Moyer, who is about to turn 49, has been throwing for scouts recently and apparently stands a good chance of being offered a big league contract. Moyer’s goal, to be the first MLB player whose age is a higher number than the speed of his fastball.

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Herman Cain is accusing Rick Perry’s campaign of leaking the harassment stories. Maybe they think Perry is jealous of having sexual rumors flying around about women?

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Raindrops keep falling on my field…

October 27, 2011

Suggestion for Tony LaRussa for Game 6 Bullpen communication in St. Louis – “Carrier Squirrels.”

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Game Six of the World Series was postponed due to rain. Which means Tony LaRussa had plenty of time to run down to the Apple store to get new phones for himself and his bullpen coaches

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If Bud Selig gets his way with the expanded playoffs, rain issues won’t be a problem in future World Series. Snow on the other hand.

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Lindsay Lohan will be posing in Playboy. Most Americans think we’ve already seen too much of her lately.

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Despite police efforts and some stories of violence, “Occupy Oakland” continues to be a magnet for a lot of people. If the crowds continue, Raiders’ management may start trying to sell tickets by referring to their games as “Occupy the Coliseum.”

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Rick Perry told Fox today that if he had made any mistakes thus far in the campaign, it was “probably ever doing one of the” debates. No kidding. Especially considering the “lame-stream” media reported every word he said.

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Herman Cain’s latest commercial shows his campaign manager smoking. Well, Cain is running an unconventional campaign, maybe encouraging smoking is his plan to reduce the number of Americans who end up old enough to depend on social security.

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Chaz Bono was voted off DWTS. He won over many viewers, although many 40 and 50 somethings still remember him as such a cute little blond girl. Of course, music fans of the same age remember Michael Jackson as such a cute little black boy.

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NBA owners and players met again for several hours in hopes of resolving their labor problems. No resolution as yet, but on the bright side, the talks are getting more attention than the first weeks of a normal NBA season.

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How badly do some NFL teams want to get Andrew Luck? Have to wonder if a few of them have already asked Roger Goodell if they can vacate wins because some of their players committed crimes or were ineligible in college?

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Some college teams say they would do anything to get future quarterbacks like Andrew Luck, who went to high school in Texas. But when asked why he chose Stanford, Luck cites a big reason as being strong academics. Responded most SEC teams “Never mind.”

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From Bill Littlejohn: “JaMarcus Russell was quoted as saying ‘I’m not fat, lazy, or a junkie’.All right…who called him a junkie?”

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Sebastian Janikowsi should be healthy again for the Raiders’ next game, so Oakland waived their recently signed backup placekicker Dave Rayner, who they had signed for a one-game fee of $45,000. Since Oakland was shut out, Rayner never kicked the ball after the opening kickoff. The only easier gig in sports might have belonged to the Saints’ punter against the Colts.

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Jon Huntsman told ABC News that Rick Perry’s talking about “birtherism” makes him “cringe.” And that “fringe” issues will drive away the independents. “As a party if we are going to win this election we have to focus on the issues that are germane for the American family – economy, jobs, our position in the world.” No wonder he’s barely registering in the GOP polls – the man is way too articulate and reasonable.

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Off the island?

October 26, 2011

President Obama said tonight he wasn’t going to worry about his 2012 challenger until “everybody’s voted off the island.” The response from the producers of “Survivor.” Hey, our contestants are serious people.”

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Listening to some of these GOP candidates for 2012 makes me realize – it’s just possible John McCain didn’t pick the dimmest bulb in the Republican stable.

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The latest GOP presidential poll shows Herman Cain leading Mitt Romney 25% to 21%. Who does these things? The BCS computers?

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Okay, Rick Perry in a CNBC interview downplayed being a birther but said it’s “fun to poke” at Obama over the birth certificate issue. Does that mean Perry would think it’s fun for more Democrats to poke at him regarding the “switch-hitting” issue?

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Major League Baseball now claims that Los Angles Dodgers owner Frank McCourt “looted” nearly $190 million from the team. $190 million? Hard to imagine anyone taking that much money from a team without earning it, well who wasn’t a player signing a long-term contract.

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John Lackey has now joined Dice K in having had Tommy John surgery, the second Red Sox hurler to do so in 2011. Maybe the Sox need to start using more lightweight pitchers for their beer.

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USC’s running back Dillon Baxter, once hyped as the next Reggie Bush, is still enrolled at the school but is off the football team, according to Lane Kiffin. Guess at least this gives the Trojans more room under the salary cap.

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Terrell Owens scheduled a workout to show NFL teams that he is ready to play. Not a single team representative showed up. Surprising. One might think T.O. would get interest from one of the “SuckforLuck” contenders.

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Missouri hasn’t even officially left the Big 12, but the conference has West Virginia already lined up as a replacement. Meanwhile the Big East is in trouble – will they look at Hawaii next? This conference stuff is getting harder to keep track of than celebrity marriages.

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Wonder how long it will take until we see Tony LaRussa in a Verizon commercial – “Can you hear me now?”

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You can’t make this “stuff” up dept: Rick Perry’s new “simplified” flat tax proposal will give taxpayers the choice, pay tax based on the old code, or his new code. Because nothing says simplify by figuring your taxes out twice?

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President Obama appeared Tuesday night on “the Tonight Show with Jay Leno.’ And the reviews go well Barack next time will aim for an appearance on a show with a national audience.

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Apparently several publishers have actually turned down Casey Anthony’s book proposal. So, contrary to popular belief, there actually MAY be some depths to which some businesses won’t go to make a profit.

(Although to be fair, hard to imagine such a volume would be a popular Christmas gift for any family member.)

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Happy hour trails?

October 22, 2011

Red Sox pitching coach Curt Young is also leaving Boston, and returning to the Oakland Athletics. Wonder if he’s bringing the keg with him.

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All these recalls for cantaloupe, spinach, lettuce etc. Ironically the safest food for kids to eat just might be those McDonalds Happy Meals.

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Libyans have temporarily put Moammar Gadhafi’s body was on display in a commercial freezer at a shopping center. Most Americans heard that news and were somewhat appalled. But at least one producer is no doubt trying to figure out how to turn something like that into a reality show.

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Former South Carolina governor Mark Sanford will become a contributor for Fox News. Guess, Sanford’s first choice, the Outdoor Channel, wouldn’t buy his idea for a series on hiking various trails.

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Mets GM Sandy Alderson has announced the dimensions at Citi Field will be changed this off-season, to make the ballpark more hitter-friendly. I guess chicks don’t dig the long fly out.

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From Bill Littlejohn: Fauja Singh became the first person to cross the finish line of a full marathon at age 100 when he did this in Toronto. Problem is, he began the race at age 35.

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Herman Cain seems like he hasn’t figured out his choice on being pro-choice. He said on CNN that abortion is ultimately a “choice that a family or a mother has to make.” Then he said later “Abortion should not be legal,” but if that “family made a decision to break the law, that’s that family’s decision, that’s all I’m trying to say.”
With fence-straddling like that Cain really must want to be Mitt Romney’s running mate.

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With the NBA season cancelled for the forseeable future, some NBA stars are planning a six game exhibition tour. The competition will be essentially meaningless, which means, not much different than six early games in the regular season.

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Michele Bachmann’s paid campaign staffers have apparently just jumped ship. “What took you so long?” said the already long deserted rats.

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An NCAA task force is proposing a bowl ban for Division 1 teams who don’t reach certain APR (Academic Progress Rate) standards. SEC schools immediately offered a compromise – to start requiring that all their student athletes can spell “Academic Progress Rate.”

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The Texas Rangers won game two of the World Series 2-1 with both runs scored on sacrifice flies. Or as SF Giants call that “a major offensive explosion.”

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Double-speak or nothing?

October 19, 2011

As Rick Perry and Mitt Romney took shots at each other in tonight’s CNN debates, how many people joined me in wanting to see a post-debate hard handshake and backslap etc….?

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The next major GOP debate will be November 15,on foreign policy. Comedy writers across the country are already preparing for an all-nighter.

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Herman Cain says he can “feel the bulls-eye on his back” before- tonight’s debate. Is he sure he’s not just feeling a sticker for “Two for one pizza?”

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Herman Cain also said he was joking about an electric fence on the border. Okay, fine. Only now he says “I don’t like to offend anyone…however, I don’t apologize for using a combination of a fence. And it might be electrified.”” Allegedly Cain got a message from Joe Biden “Herman, really, less is more.”

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Newt Gingrich said, if nominated, he will challenge President Obama to seven three-hour debates. Joe Biden is now just praying Newt gets the V.P. nod.

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So at the price of two first-round draft picks, Carlson Palmer is now an Oakland Raider and is now “un-retired.” And yes, Brett Favre, that does mean you are chopped liver.

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Carlson Palmer has now officially been traded from the Bengals to the Raiders. Which means a bit of a change. He’s going from convicts in the huddle to convicts in the stands.

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Have a college reunion party Friday night with a “Mad Men” theme. Which has prompted a long “What do we wear?” thread on Facebook. And of all the commenters, exactly zero are men.

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San Francisco is considering a bill to give employers a tax-break for hiring ex-felons. Who came up with this idea in the first place? The management of the Cincinnati Bengals?

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The NFL has announced they will not fine Jim Harbaugh and Jim Schwartz for their post-game behavior. The league may, however, offer coverage of both coaches’ next post-game handshakes on Pay-Per-View.

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Poor Steve Young, When the cameras switched to him during the pregame show on MNF, he had his cellphone in hand checking email. Well, the pictures are embarrassing, but it could be worse, at least his hand was just on his cellphone.

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Rick Santorum said last week that the GOP’s strategy for reducing “the Democratic advantage” should be get the single mothers in this country married, because now “they look to the government for help.” Of course if that were really a priority wouldn’t you think the solution would include birth control? And for that matter gay marriage?

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P.C. overdose alert: Four U.S. senators are urging the MLB players union to agree to a ban on chewing tobacco at games and on camera during the World Series, because they think it is a bad influence on viewers. Now, I hate chewing tobacco and wouldn’t mind a permanent ban in future. But after over 170 games, how fair is it to make players go cold turkey in the biggest games of the year?

My friend Walt points out that Congress won’t condemn crotch-grabbing, because they do it all the time. (Yes, and not always their own.)

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The “shake” heard round the world.

October 18, 2011

Okay, most serious football fans weren’t surprised that Jim Harbaugh has already gotten into it with another NFL coach. But 90 percent of those in the pool had Pete Carroll.

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T.C. says “Breaking News: UFC 138 Headliner now changed to Harbaugh vs Schwartz.”

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After the “shake heard round the world”, Jim Harbaugh is now saying that he will personally attempt to get better at the postgame handshake.” But let’s be real here, if he planned these handshakes in the first place, who other than Harbaugh himself thought the 49ers coach would be doing much more than congratulating his opponents.

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So tomorrow it will be the Cardinals vs. the Rangers in the World Series. Well, at least we know the BCS has nothing to do with baseball – otherwise it would be the Phillies against the Yankees in the series. With St. Louis and Texas in something like the Tostitos Tournament.

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How unpopular is Mitt Romney with Tea Party members? Herman Cain is just the latest of several candidates to vault into a tie in the polls for the GOP Presidential nomination. In fact, some dislike Romney so much they may still support Cain after they figure out he’s black.

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The Oakland Raiders, 4-2, are looking for a temporary QB now that Jason Campbell will be sidelined for 6-8 weeks with a broken collarbone. Rumor has it they already sent someone to Hattiesburg, MS to put up a billboard saying “No thanks Brett.”

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A new law in California will require children to be in booster seats until they are 4’9″ or eight years old, whichever comes first. Good thing about that “whichever comes first,” kids like Doug Flutie would be in boosters through high school.

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Okay, so maybe the Cardinal isn’t getting any BCS love, but there are different measures of success. And how’s this one? The Stanford football game Saturday against Washington is SOLD OUT. And tickets are being scalped at twice face value and up on Stubhub.

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Okay, regarding this maybe slightly simplistic 9-9-9 tax plan: So new goods get taxed, and used goods don’t. Well, for starters, that would mean that a buyer of the most basic model 2012 Nissan Versa would pay tax, and a buyer of a 2010 S-Class Mercedes wouldn’t.

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Martin Sheen praised President Obama today and said he’s the “only adult in the room.” Well, if anyone knows about being the only adult in the room, it’s Charlie Sheen’s father.

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Wells Fargo reported third-quarter net income of $4.1 billion, up 21% from a year ago. The bank earned 72 cents a share, although analysts had expected 73 cents. You know what that means… banking fees are going up.

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After an extremely contentious divorce, Frank McCourt got the Dodgers, and his ex-wife Jamie got $130 million. Guess Frank got the short straw.

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Frank and Jamie McCourt have reached a divorce settlement. She gets $130 million, he gets to keep the Dodgers. This is good news, for Giants fans.

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Fans of several lousy NFL teams are now hoping their teams continue to lose in a “Suck For Luck” strategy. Andrew Luck himself was interviewed about the idea, and responded. “I think it’s stupid. Simply put.” Fans of the Dolphins, Rams and Colts responded – “Uh, since you’re supposed to be the smart guy from Stanford, clearly you haven’t seen our current QBs play this year.”

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Monday musings.

October 16, 2011

The world’s population is expected to hit seven billion by the end of October. And just think, all these children were conceived before the NBA lockout.

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For a while tonight’s Cardinals-Brewers game was looking like it will be decided in overtime by a field goal.

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Rangers have to have loved watching the NLCS slugfest. Especially after last night. Did the Rangers score 15 runs against the Giants in the whole World Series?

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In related news there are rumors that some guys in red caps were seen earlier in Milwaukee parks with peanuts trying to lure temporary “pets” for their visitors clubhouse.

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The SF 49ers beat the Detroit Lions despite 15 penalties for 120 yards. Wonder if this was THEIR game to honor Al Davis?

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ESPN notes that Stanford’s football team,which is ranked No. 5 in the coaches’ poll and No. 7 in the Harris Poll, is No. 20 in Massey’s computer ratings and No. 15 in Sagarin’s. They add that the BCS computers “don’t seem to like the Cardinal at this point.”. Really, what was their first clue?

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In fact, undefeated #7 Stanford beat now 3-3 WSU by 30. #8 Clemson rallied to beat now 2-4 Maryland 56-45. You know what that means. Clemson jumped over Stanford in the polls.

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Open note to readers asking for San Jose Sharks jokes – the Sharks don’t get really funny until the playoffs.

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Okay, so almost nobody had the SF 49ers 5-1 at this point. On the other hand, bookies just collected big time on all those fools who bet Harbaugh would make it at least halfway through the season without a post-game incident involving another coach.

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Newt Gingrich said today that Mitt Romney would have a hard time getting the GOP nomination, but that Mitt is “a very likable person.” Well, Newt might be right about the first statement, but a major reason is that he’s wrong about the second.

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A 100-year-old man in Toronto today became the oldest person to complete a full-distance marathon. Although rumors are he just went out to get the paper. And had a little trouble remembering his way home.

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Herman Cain is now denying his 9-9-9 tax plan came from SimCity. Pundits, however, will be carefully watching any agriculture plan the GOP candidate put out, to see if there are any similarities to Farmville.

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In an interview with Wolf Blitzer, John McCain advised Rick Perry to get some sleep before next week’s CNN Republican debate, adding ““Every time I made a serious mistake politically – and I’ve made them – it’s been when I’m tired.” Must have been a heck of an all-nighter before McCain picked Sarah Palin.

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Serious travel thought for the night: Eleven of Walt Disney World’s deluxe resorts have just started offering free in-room wireless access. If WDW (sometimes known as Wallet Disney World) can take such a step, what’s holding back chains like Hyatt, Ritz Carlton, Four Seasons, and Marriott?

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Games people play.

October 14, 2011

Herman Cain is now the GOP Presidential frontrunner?! But let’s be fair. With the love and affection most Republicans feel for Romney, Stephen Colbert could announce his candidacy tomorrow, and vault over Mitt in the polls by next week.

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Anita Perry on her husband Rick: “He is the only true conservative – well, there are some true conservatives. And they’re there for good reasons. And they may feel like God called them too. But I truly feel like we are here for that purpose.” Gosh, listening to Anita, it sounds like she’d fit right in if she herself decided to join the GOP field running for President.

So now there are rumors Herman Cain stole his 9-9-9 tax plan from the video game SimCity. Big deal, for years there have been rumors that Mitt Romney stole his style from one of his granddaughters’ Ken dolls.

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Not even Al Davis’s death put him on the cover of Sports Illustrated. But Al would probably have approved. Wouldn’t want anyone to jinx his Raiders.

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Hank Williams Jr. is trying to shop his “All My Rowdy Friends” song to other networks. Maybe he should try to shop it to the Red Sox for their clubhouse.

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NBA Commissioner David Stern says that the labor dispute is now threatening Christmas games. The potential horror. Millions of families may be actually forced to talk to each other.

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Tough times for Mitt Romney. It’s not just that he’s losing to “None of the Above.” But “None of the Above” has a higher likability rating.

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Got to love it. True story. Guy trying to get into Red Carpet Club at LAX because he is in First Class. Agent says, sorry, we only give access to non-members when they are flying First Class internationally, not Domestic. Guy, indignantly. “But I’m going to Hawaii.”

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Blackberry’s president has apologized for the outages that have gone on since Monday. Of course most of his customers won’t get the message until at least next week

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One of those rare serious thoughts: The House passed another anti-abortion bill today. Now, abortion is a tough subject and I realize reasonable people can disagree. But I would respect a lot of the anti-abortion types more if they weren’t also usually in favor of cutting funding for programs for poor women and their living children.

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