Posted tagged ‘GOP debate jokes’

Sliders

February 25, 2016

 

Major League Baseball has changed the rules this year to say runners must make a “bona fide” slide at second base. Chase Utley’s response – “It will definitely help keep guys healthy for sure.” Well, if Utley starts obeying the rule it will certainly keep opposing pitchers from throwing at his head….

#‎MLB‬ will limit mound visits this year to 30 seconds. Well how will players be able to decide on good wedding gifts? ‪#‎Candlesticks‬

Dexter Fowler, who turned down a 1-year $15.8 million qualifying offer with the Cubs, just ended up signing to return to Chicago for $8 million. And then I presume Fowler fired his agent.

ESPN has named Albert Pujols’ contract with the Angels as the worst in MLB for 2016. Hmm, is this a challenge for Pablo Sandoval?

Supermodel Chrissy Teigen published a cookbook (what, super models eat?) that included a picture of her dog wearing a collar with Teigen’s personal cellphone number on it. So Chrissy had to change her number.
Well, that ought to do wonders to dispel the image of dumb blondes.

Spelling, another commie-pinko liberal concept:  oklahoma

 

One good thing about tonight’s  ‪#‎GOPDebate‬, easy to listen from the kitchen while cooking dinner without turning up the sound. ‪#‎nonstopshouting‬

 

 

The latest GOP debate knocked the latest mass shootings, in Kansas, right out of the top headline. Once again, just imagine the ratings these debates would get ‪#‎ifonlytheywerearmed‬

Carnival Cruise Lines is now selling a prepaid drink package that includes wine and spirits up to $50 per serving. With all due respect, if you drink stuff that is that high-end, just guessing you won’t be on Carnival.

Emily Maynard won “the Bachelor,” and then after breaking up with the guy, became “the Bachelorette” got engaged again and broke up with him too. Now married to someone she didn’t meet on TV, Maynard has written a book “I said Yes”, because she thinks God “gave me the platform to help grow his kingdom.”
And God is thinking “What, it’s not enough that I’m getting blamed for Ted Cruz….”

Former Mexico President Vincente Fox on Trump’s plans: “I declare, I’m not going to pay for that f—–g wall.” Well, if the Donald is elected, how long before Canadian PM Justin Trudeau decides they’ll pay for a wall to keep Americans out?

In response to protests from anti-abortion activists Lands’ End has pulled an interview with Gloria Steinem from their website – the feature wasn’t about abortion, but was rather part of a series on “individuals who have made a difference in both their respective industries and the world at large.”
Well, there’s one company to take permanently off my shopping list.

 

I wanna be sedated/debated…..

November 11, 2015

So I’m confused, after this ‪#‎GOPDebate‬ how many of the remaining contestants get roses?

Four years ago, Rick Perry couldn’t remember the third Cabinet level department he wanted to eliminate. Tonight Ted Cruz said he wanted to eliminate five, and said the Dept of Commerce twice, while leaving out the Dept of Education. Makes some sense on education, Cruz certainly doesn’t seem to have benefited from it.

Ted Cruz keeps telling voters to go to TedCruz.org. Because the man who wants us to trust him to lead the free world wasn’t smart enough to grab the TedCruz.com domain. ‪#‎Googleit‬ ‪#‎notreadyforprimetime‬

So what does ‪#‎TedCruz‬ have against philosophers? Did he used to date one or something? ‪#‎GOPdebate‬

In his first answer, Marco Rubio said to fix economy we need to repeal Obamacare. So congrats to all those who had “5 min. into the GOP debate in the pool.

Trump. “We are a country of laws”and we have to depart 11 million people. Then for example fruit will obey the laws and pick itself

All these GOP candidates blame Obama & regulatory reform for U.S. economic woes. So why wasn’t the economy booming under Bush? ‪#‎GOPDebate‬
 So let me get this straight, contestants in ‪#‎GOPDebate‬ all say regulations are big problem for US economy, but they want to regulate banks.

#‎CarlyFiorina‬ keeps talking about how many of these world leaders she knows. Is this a ‪#‎GOPdebate‬ or a competition for Facebook friends?

Carly Fiorina also dissing government and talking about “people who don’t do their jobs very well.” Well she should know ‪#‎HP‬ ‪#‎yourefired‬

Ted Cruz is so out of touch he thinks wages in journalism can go any lower. ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

Ben Carson says he has a problem with “being lied about.” And apparently with not ending sentences with propositions.-

Congrats to ‪#‎SFGiants‬ Brandon Crawford for winning his 1st Gold Glove, and to Yadier Molina for winning his 8th. Think they just might want to make it automatic for the Cardinals’ catcher until he retires.

Target is being accused now of trivializing mental illness because they are selling a OCD (‘Obsessive Christmas Disorder’) holiday sweater. Beginning to think the real epidemic in this country is OPCD (“Obsessive Politically Correct Disorder.”)

Facebook wants us to give them our phone numbers to “help secure your account and more.” Yeah, it’s the “and more,” that worries me.

Oakland LB Ray-Ray Armstrong is being investigated in PA for allegedly taunting a police dog at Heinz Field – pounding on his chest and barking at the animal before the Raiders-Steelers game.
Uh, not sure about charges being filed but if Armstrong thinks it’s a good idea to taunt and anger a K-9, guessing the problem is going to work itself. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ ‪#‎Darwinwannabe‬

Non-profit investigative journalism site ProPublica has released a list of members of Congress who have missed a tenth or more of eligible floor votes since 2007. Hmm, maybe it’s time to start drug-testing our representatives.

Ohio State QB J.T. Barrett today did plead guilty to DUI. He will pay a $400 fine and have his license suspended for six months. With all due respect, since Barrett has NFL aspirations, maybe he should learn to live without driving these days, period.

Urban Meyer has reinstated J.T. Barrett as OSU’s starting QB for this weekend’s game against Illinois, after a one-game suspension for DUI. “It’s never easy. I think it’s the right thing at this time.” Translation, the Fighting Illini might be a tougher competitor than most people think.

Campbell’s says they are changing their chicken soup recipe to have fewer ingredients. Will one of them still be chicken?

Pastor Kevin Swanson, upset with Dumbledore being homosexual, says that rather than have kids read the Harry Potter books, for “tens of millions of parents it would be better that a millstone be hung around their (children’s) neck and they be drowned at the bottom of the sea.”
And Swanson said this at the National Religious Liberties Conference. ‪#‎oxymoron‬ ‪#‎jesuswept‬

An alligator was seen eating a python on a Florida golf course. If only the python had been armed.

Unreality TV

September 16, 2015
Tonight was the second GOP debate. Otherwise known as “Dancing with the Questions.”
 –
Joe Biden says that Donald Trump has a “sick” message, and is “appealing to the baser side of human nature, working on this notion of xenophobia in a way that hasn’t occurred in a long time.”
Wonder how many Trump supporters are thinking “What’s xenophobia? Trump’s just against all these damn foreigners.”

Lots of candidate talk about Ronald Reagan. Not much talk about Reagan’s tax hikes, increased budget deficit, and signing an immigration act in 1986 that which granted amnesty to almost 3 million undocumented immigrants. Am sure it’s just coincidence. ‪#‎GOPdebate

All these candidates who want to defund ‪#‎PlannedParenthood‬ and talk about family planning alternatives. Would one of them like to name one such alternative. And their plan to fund welfare for children born from unplanned pregnancies?
All this discussion of “judicial tyranny” with the Supreme Court on the subject of gay marriage. Where were all these clowns when the Supreme Court declared George W. Bush President?
Donald Trump on tonight’s debate: ‘I think I could tone it down a little”: Right, he could, but he didn’t..

Donald Trump during the debate – I was for a flat tax before I was against it. I was for the rich paying more before I was against it. This is so confusing.

Carly Fiorina goes back to the marijuana gateway drug line. Cue ‪#‎DemonSheep‬.  Cue ‪#‎ReeferMadness  ‬ ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

Jeb Bush – ‬ “My brother kept us safe.” Well, except for that little 9/11 thing. ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

Lindsey Graham says it doesn’t make sense to deport millions of undocumented immigrants, but they should learn to speak English. Well sure, but so should millions of people born in the U.S.

I’d take these GOP candidates calling for war with Iran more seriously if they’d call for a draft to get people to fight it, and a way to pay for it.

The NFL has granted permission for New England clubhouse attendants John Jastremski and Jim McNally, who were suspended over Deflategate, to return, and the Patriots will reinstate them.
So yeah, guess those footballs were so in awe of Brady’s brilliance that they just deflated themselves.

More debate.  A real question “If you’re elected President, how would the world look different after you lead office?”  Waiting for the honest answer from someone: “Well, Hell would host an awesome Winter Olympics.” ‪#‎GOPdebate‬

Rutgers football coach Kyle Flood has been suspended three games and fined $50,000 for allegedly emailing a lecturer inquiring about a grade for one of his potentially failing players. What Flood is really being suspended and fined for? A). being too stupid to have one of his staff do the the dirty work, and B) putting it in an email..

A post-debate thought. Talking about the general election Chris Christie said he would prosecute “Mrs. Clinton in those debates.” That is, if Christie is not defending himself in a courtroom over the backroom deals that led to the resignation of the CEO of United Airlines.

#‎Peavy‬ gets his first home run of the year. 9th for ‪#‎SFGiants‬ pitchers in 2015. One behind Pablo Sandoval. ‪#‎byebyebaby‬

#‎ChrisHeston‬ and ‪#‎MattCain‬ do not have home runs for the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ this year yet. Time to get them some ABs.

Amazing story about the Muslim student who was accused of building a bomb when he had only built a clock. Have to wonder these days how many students can even read a clock?

In a few cities, 7-11 is offering delivery service of a “Date Night Pack”, which includes ice cream, candy, Red Bull and condoms. Thinking if your idea of a Date Night is 7-11, you’re not likely to need the pack.

Actor Stephen Rannazzisi, who said he escaped from the World Trade Center on 9-11 and then quit his desk job to become a comedian, now says he made the story up. Stand by for his interview with Brian Williams.

The ‪#‎SFGiants‬ are on a mission to singlehandedly destroy the DH. Now Madison Bumgarner was the first pitcher ever to reach base against Aroldis Chapman. But the Reds’ closer had gotten to an 0-2 count vs. 57 hitters this year. He struck out 41 of them, and none of them walked. Until Madbum.

Missing Jon already

August 7, 2015

Perhaps the highest tribute I can pay to Jon Stewart is that it is now hard to imagine the news without Jon Stewart.

We opine about who might be the next Jon Stewart. But before Jon Stewart we didn’t know there was that position to be filled.

Tuesday – SF 49ers GM Trent Baalke “Aldon’s like any young player, he’s growing up, he’s maturing. You see that with a lot of these guys…” Friday – Aldon Smith has been arrested for a third DUI in four years, along with alleged hit and run and vandalism. So how about those Raiders?

The SF 49ers have now released their All-Pro pash rusher Aldon Smith. Too soon to start a pool on what defensively-challenged team will decide this young man deserves a fifth or sixth chance?

The San Francisco 49ers have canceled plans to allow 20,000 fans to watch the team practice at Levi’s Stadium Sunday, due to poor turf conditions and thus the field not being ready. And 40 miles north, it might be the wind, or you might hear the ghost of Candlestick Park laughing.

The turf at Levi’s Stadium is looking like a serious long-term problem. Fortunately the 49ers seem certain to give the field a long break from usage in the playoff weeks leading up to the 2016 Super Bowl.

Vanderbilt University has pulled a tweet with the football slogan “We Don’t Need Your Permission.” And they’re supposed to be the smart ones in the SEC?

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West plan to name their new son “Easton.” I see a new marketing opportunity with Southwest Airlines. ‪#‎wannagetaway‬

So last night’s GOP debate was the most watched primary debate ever. Now it’s making sense; more people tuned in to see Trump than were probably watching his “Apprentice” TV shows.

Who won the first ‪#‎GOPDebate‬ debate? Answer seems pretty obvious – advertisers on FOX News. ‪#‎ratings‬

John Kasich said last night that while he believes in “traditional marriage” he accepts the Supreme Court decision, and actually recently went to the wedding of a gay friend. Is Kasich trying hard to prove he is too reasonable to get the GOP nomination?

For anyone who didn’t know Carly Fiorina before yesterday and was impressed by her debate performance, three words: Google “demon sheep”

#‎UniversityofMinnesota‬ AD resigned after being accused by co-workers of groping and sexting them. Cue “Golden Groper” jokes. ‪#‎goldengophers‬

A belated suggestion for Chris Christie when Rand Paul slammed him for giving Obama a “big hug.” So why didn’t  the NJ Governor turn around and answer “Senator, when the President of the United States shows up in your state after a major natural disaster, bringing money and the Federal government’s resources to help, the question should be, why DON’T you hug him or her. Because that is no time for partisan politics.”

The US Coast Guard caught a semi-submersible vessel and seized six tons of cocaine off the coast of Mexico. Although they admittedly lost two more tons of the coke while trying to tow the sub ashore. Sounds like it’s going to be a high tide.

Donald Trump’s campaign now says they believe Fox News is part of ‘an organized attack’ designed to stop his ‘movement.’ Oh, this awful GOP on GOP violence. (No, I can’t quite say that with a straight face. )

In Michigan.  State Rep. Todd Courser was allegedly having an affair with Rep. Cindy Gamrat. Both are “family values” Republicans married to other people. So just your average political hypocrisy.

But now Mr .Courser is alleged to used taxpayer money to have come up with a fake email alleging he had sex with a male prostitute. The idea being to create a “complete smear campaign”, which could be debunked, and would then make the actual affair seem “mild by comparison.” ‪#‎youREALLYcannotmakethisstuffup‬

From my funny friend, Alex Kaseberg,   “A new poll has Eleanor Roosevelt as the top choice to be the woman on the $10. Of course Kanye West thinks it should be Beyonce.”

Up for debate

August 6, 2015

For television viewers, Wednesday night on NBC was “America’s Got Talent.” Thursday night the debate on Fox was the rebuttal.

The Fox News GOP debate was at Quicken Loans Arena, home of the Cleveland Cavaliers.  And much of it was as painful to watch as Lebron’s “The Decision.”

To be fair, Donald Trump says he wanted the GOP debate tonight to be on a “high level.” As in you needed to be high to watch it?

Carly Fiorina, at the “kid’s table” debate. “. “[T]he potential of this nation and too many Americans is being crushed by the weight, the power, the cost, the complexity, the ineptitude, the corruption of the federal government.” And if elected I promise to do for America what I did for Hewlett Packard…. Oh wait, never mind.

A few of the exchanges between, for example, Chris Christie‬ and Rand #‎Paul‬ made me almost sorry that this ‪#‎GOPDebate‬ was probably a gun-free zone.

Wonder how many GOP voters watched the debate and were wishing they could vote for ‪#‎MegynKelly‬.

#‎Trump‬ invokes ‪#‎RonaldReagan‬. Is ‪#‎Reagan‬ rolling over in grave or laughing becuz he knows he was much less conservative than his disciples

Scott Walker talking about unborn children needing to be protected. And of course the Wisconsin governor has fought his own party over cutting $238,000 million for child advocacy centers. Oh wait, the GOP over-ruled him, they REINSTATED money Walker wanted to cut. ‪#‎nevermind‬

Mike Huckabee “The purpose of the military is kill people and break things.” Somewhere Teddy Roosevelt IS rolling over in his grave. ‪#‎speaksoftlykillpeopleandbreakthings‬? ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

Boston mayor Martin J. Walsh wants to ban chewing tobacco from all ballparks in the city, amateur and professional. Well, with this year’s Red Sox team Walsh doesn’t need to add that “professional” part.

Two men were arrested at an Iowa Taco Bell and charged with allegedly manufacturing methamphetamine in the restaurant. Stand by for the AMC sequel “Breaking Wind.”

President Obama today warned it’s either the Iran deal, or “some sort of war.” And many Republicans responded “You say ‘war” like it’s a bad thing.”

Arby’s ran ads on the penultimate “Daily Show with Jon Stewart,” despite all the knocks the comedian has given them over the years. Well, makes a certain about of sense, with Stewart everyone knew Arby’s was still in business.

A Regent Seven Seas 128 day around-the-world cruise, costing more than $100,000 a couple, had 70% percent of the cabins booked on the first day of sales. The company president stated this was a testament to their belief that “guests … want unique, different, and rich destination experiences.” Well, “rich” for sure.

Now it’s come out that Russians apparently hacked some Pentagon emails. Hillary Clinton might be looking smarter and smarter with that private server.

No lyin -Great thought from Paul Chessin, brother of my FB friend Steve: “So, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service wants to talk to Dr. Walter Palmer but can’t find him because he’s “hiding”? Maybe they should get a trophy game animal, put it in a car, and, you know, lure him out.”

It’s not easy being green in a rainbow?

August 4, 2015

Kermit the Frog has announced a decision to split with his partner Miss Piggy. Wow. This legalization of Itgay marriage is destroying relationships faster than we thought.

Jeb Bush “”I’m not sure we need a half-billion dollars for women’s health issues.” Yeah, Jeb, you’re right. We need a lot more. ‪#‎clueless‬

So Fox News has picked their top 10 for the first debate. And Rick Perry is the 11th man. So did those glasses not make him look smart enough?. Or did they make him look too smart for GOP primary voters?

Joe Biden’s sister on his possible run for the Presidency in 2016. “He’ll decide when he decides.” And as anyone who’s ever heard Joe speak knows, Biden doesn’t do ANYTHING quickly.

AT&T reporting widespread cellphone and internet outages in the Southeast Tuesday. The horror! Many teenagers and millennials were forced actually to talk to each other.

Donald Trump now says he supports shutting down the government as a way to defund Planned Parenthood. Yeah, well he can talk, Trump already had that furry thing that lives on his head spayed.-

Chris Christie had a New Hampshire town hall today in Manchester, choosing to locate it at Blake’s Restaurant & Creamery, a long-time local favorite featuring premium ice cream. Well, of course he did.

Donald Trump is now insisting that not only will he build a wall at the Mexican border, he will get Mexico to pay for it. The Donald seems pretty sure he can order other countries around.  But beginning to get a sense this man has never watched C-Span.

A 21 year old Florida man tried to rob a small church he occasionally attended with his parents during the sermon. The man pointed a BB gun at the pastor’s mother but was overpowered by fellow parishioners and arrested.

Said the Pastor – “Why did it happen? We’re targets. The whole mentality about Christianity has radically shifted.”

Or maybe because the whole mentality about mental health has shifted to “if it ain’t broke to the point of catastrophe, don’t fix it.”

A KKK member attended a Confederate Flag rally in Georgia wearing FUBU shoes (FUBU is a company created in 1992 by four African American entrepreneurs in NY to encourage black enterprise.) Irony, another of those commie-pinko concepts.

#‎SFGiants‬ are still a long shot to repeat as World Champions, but tonight, down 3-2 after blowing a 2-1 lead in the 7th, after blowing a 6-0 lead last night, was one of those vampire games. ‪#‎refusetodie‬

Ho, ho, ho?

February 23, 2012

Rick Santorum is trying to explain his 2008 statement that ““Satan has his sights on the United States of America!” Stay tuned, maybe he’ll say he’s dyslexic and was talking about Santa.

Albert Pujols is objecting to billboards as part of the Angels marketing campaign that refer to him “El Hombre,” Pujols has asked not to be called that in deference to Stan “The Man” Musial. But he might not need to worry. Hispanic fans may not remember Musial, and non-Hispanic fans may not know what “El Hombre” means.

A Texas man collected 10 cent comic books starting as a 9 year old in the 1930s. Today his family sold 227 books from the collection he had saved in his basement for about $3.5 million. And millions of other Americans forwarded this story to their mothers saying “See!”

Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell has changed his mind about a new bill that would require women to have a physically invasive transvaginal ultrasound procedure before any abortion. Wonder if he saw the “Daily Show?” (Or remembered that women do have the right to vote?)

The Temple Owls are in talks to join the Big East. This is shocking. Unlike new schools SMU, Houston, Boise State and San Diego State, Temple, situated in Philadelphia, actually is in the East.

Former Louisiana Gov. Charles “Buddy” Roemer is dropping out of the GOP presidential primary. The number one response across the U.S. – Buddy who?

For anyone who was thinking the level of debate in the GOP primaries was getting too elevated, we’ll always have Sarah Palin. Today she defended Rick Santorum by saying the “lame-stream media characters” are getting “all wee-weed up about” his past remarks.

As the three top GOP candidates increasingly try to prove they’re the furthest to the right, anyone else get the idea we’re watching a new game show – “Who wants to be a Neanderthal?”

Rick Santorum at end of debate trumpets the fact he is from a “key swing state.” (Pennsylvania) What he doesn’t mention: He lost his last election in that state by 18 percent.

Newt Gingrich attacking Obama. “As long as you’re America’s enemy you’re safe.”. Guess someone forgot to tell Bin Laden and Qaddafi.

Mitt Romney says he loves Michigan because “the trees are just the right height.” Shame that someone didn’t ask him during the debate Wednesday night – “In which states are the trees the wrong height?”

Question for GOP candidates. Agree that there are some bad leaders around the world who are killing innocent people including their own citizens. How come we only want to invade the ones with oil?


Not voting for Ron Paul, but he does win the “breath of fresh air” award. Wednesday night, CNN debate moderator John King asked him why he’s running anti Santorum adds that say he’s a fake.

Paul’s response: “Because he’s a fake.”

Random access.

January 27, 2012

During tonight’s debate, Newt Gingrich gushed over Callista, that she was artistic and “played the French horn.” Was he saying she’s musical, or was that a euphemism for her talents that convinced him to make her his third wife?

Not voting for Ron Paul. But kudos to him for the best debate line of the night: “I don’t think we should go to the moon; I think we should send some politicians up there.”

Well it WAS a good story. Yale QB Patrick Witt said he decided not to interview for a Rhodes scholarship in order to prepare for the Harvard-Yale game. Except that the NY Times reports the Rhodes Trust had already suspended Witt’s candidacy because it learned that a female student had accused the QB of sexual assault in Sept….. (Sounds like Patrick has a future in politics.)

These debates are getting old. Here’s an idea, since both Romney and Gingrich have each switched several positions and remade their own histories, let’s do two solo acts – i.e. give them both a chance to debate themselves.

Not trying to be appear like a California wine snob but…. was thrown for a loop by Liberty Creek wines at Walgreen’s, on sale for $4.99 for 1.5 litres today. Not so much the first two varietals (Cabernet Sauvignon and Chardonnay) but the third -“Sweet Red.”

After the SF 49ers were eliminated, Michael Crabtree, who was basically AWOL in the playoffs, suggested that Alex Smith didn’t give him enough chances – “All I do is run routes When you don’t get that many opportunities, it’s hard to talk.” Wow. Sounds like Crabtree really does want to be the next Terrell Owens.

President Obama is downplaying his public tiff with Arizona’s governor Jan Brewer and said she may have been seeking out attention. Ya think? Even Sarah Palin is probably privately referring to Brewer as a “media whore.”

Hillary Clinton said again that she is stepping down as Secretary of State after Obama’s first term. Bill Clinton immediately asked the President to consider him for an foreign ambassadorship.

The Museum of London is currently displaying a newly found coin, believed to be a “brothel token” in circulation in London during the 1st century AD. Wonder if it was lost on vacation by a young Larry King?

Some conservative pundits are cheering Jan Brewer’s waving her finger at President Obama. Wonder what they would have said if a Democratic governor had done that to President George W. Bush?

Pat Sajak says he and Vanna White used to take margarita breaks in the early days of “Wheel of Fortune.” Which is surprising. I’ve always thought they gave the margaritas to the contestants to get them to jump up and down and shriek like they do.

Newt Gingrich is ragging on Mitt Romney today as a guy “who has Swiss bank accounts, Cayman Island accounts, owns shares of Goldman Sachs….” Harsh words from a man with a $500,000 credit account at Tiffany’s.

Josh Garnett, #15 on the Sporting News high school prospect list (guard or tackle) was quoted last year – ““To land my commitment, the school is going to need to have a great school legacy of football, great players and coaches … and a great bioengineering program.” Today he chose Stanford.

(In the SEC, coaches are saying, “Hey, some of our players can spell bioengineering.”)

Taco Bell is rolling out a new breakfast menu. But haven’t most people in their younger years already done Taco Bell for breakfast? Usually about 230a.

Winning?

January 24, 2012

Mitt Romney says Gingrich is “erratic,” Newt Gingrich says Romney “can’t be trusted.” Who’s winning? President Obama.


Costa and their so-to-be-ex Captain are going at each other hot and heavy in the media as to assigning blame for the crash and sinking of the Concordia. Will the famous term for buck-passing be updated to “throwing someone under the cruise ship?”

Who knew? The true MVP of the 2011 49ers might have been Ted Ginn. Jr.

Open note to all spammers. Work on spelling. Doesn’t exactly inspire fear in your targets when they get an email supposedly from Paypal titled “account suspended, for your proection (sic).

A rumor going around about Ryan Braun is that he says his failed drug test is the result of his taking medication for an STD. (Herpes.) Not that I want to impugn anyone’s good name unnecessarily but considering the number of children along with the reputations pro-athletes have…. does anyone really think he’s the only one taking such medication?

Or to put it another way, if meds for an STD made you test positive for PED’s, wouldn’t we have a lot more players on the 50 day shelf?

All these folks ragging on Steven Tyler for his lousy rendition of the National Anthem. It could have been MUCH more painful to watch – Tyler could have had a wardrobe malfunction.

Kia Motors said it is recalling 145,755 cars in the United States because of potentially faulty driver airbags. Wow. Kia has sold over 145,000 cars in the U.S?

Two part joke with my comedy writer friend Paul Seaburn, who wrote the first joke below:

“India’s government wants an apology from Jay Leno for a joke where he said that the Golden Temple, which is India’s holiest shrine, could be Mitt Romney’s summer home. Romney wants an apology too for putting the idea into his wife’s head.

My following joke. Wonder how long until we see a Leno joke about Britain’s crown jewels upsetting Newt Gingrich for the same reason.

Chicago White Sox owner Jerry Reinsdorf on his former manager – “Regarding Ozzie Guillen’s departure last September, I want to make it clear that he left with our organization’s blessing.” Translate, Reinsdorf told Ozzie, don’t let the clubhouse door hit you in the “behind.”

Quote of the night on “the Bachelor” from model Courtney ” “I’m a nice person, don’t f*ck with me.”

Royal Caribbean sent a long email to past guests reassuring them on the cruise lines safety procedures and even including links to videos on the subject. Here’s a simpler idea – just send out an email “Our captains don’t joyride.”

Rick Santorum’s spokesman said Mitt Romney called him to “concede victory” in Iowa. But Romney’s spokeswoman said his campaign didn’t concede, that “Gov. Romney (just) called Sen. Santorum to congratulate him on the Iowa results.” Can’t imagine where politicians get the reputation for doublespeak.

Sarah Palin said that Chris Christie’s comment that Newt Gringrich was becoming an embarrassment “was reflective of a lack of self-discipline.” Well, if anyone is an expert on a lack of self-discipline….

Sarah Palin also said of New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie that he got his “panties in a wad.” Sarah, really? Is that the visual you want to inflict upon the world?

A new study published online by the New England Journal of Medicine finds that some people are allergic to cold. “See, I just cheated on Hillary for my health.” said Bill Clinton.”

Saints be praised.

January 8, 2012

For anyone who wanted to see what Andrew Luck would be like with really good receivers, I refer you to highlights of Drew Brees tonight against the Lions.

Not to say the Saints were unstoppable. But in the second half, they were scoring faster than Tiger Woods during his marriage in a room full of waitresses.

Barry J. Sanders, who committed today to Stanford, said he looks forward to playing with other great “student-athletes.” The number one response from most other top high-school football recruits? “What’s a student-athlete?”

Amazing thought. When this season started, Houston QB T.J. Yates was further down the depth chart than Tim Tebow.

By the time most people read this, Saturday night’s GOP debate will have been eclipsed by Sunday morning’s debate. If eclipsed is the right word. But for now, so much for the rest of the GOP field beating up on Mitt Romney. The Detroit Lions defense did a better job against Drew Brees.

Apparently catcher Jorge Posada has decided to retire from playing Major League Baseball. Many fans who watched the Yankees play in 2010 think he already did.

An actual serious post, Jan 8 is the one-year anniversary of the horrible shooting in Tucson that killed six people and critically injured Congresswoman Gabby Giffords. While recovering, Giffords hasn’t decided whether or not to run again in 2012. Here’s a thought, let her husband run, hold the seat for two years, and then step down assuming she has recovered sufficiently by 2014.

Headline about newly published “The Obamas’: Book Reveals Friction Between Rahm Emanuel, Michelle Obama.” Uh, really? Wouldn’t it be more of a headline if Rahm Emanuel didn’t have friction with someone?

Mitt Romney said Saturday night that it ‘pains him to fire workers in order to make a company more profitable.” Sounds like the grownup version of the old parents’ spanking comment “This hurts me more than it hurts you.” And about as believable.

Meanwhile, in Washington, D.C., Barack Obama is working on his re-election strategy. Number one campaign objective: “More GOP debates.”

Jon Huntsman appears to be a reasonable likable man who might, in spite of his conservative social views, get some independent and even Democratic votes in November. Yet he apparenly has no chance. Wonder if the 2012 GOP is considering changing their mascot from an elephant to a lemming.

Ah lawyers, just got an email from a Vegas hotel titled “Score your seat to watch ‘the Big Game.'” (inside the email it says Big Game XVLI Feb. 5, 2012) Add “Super Bowl” to the list of terms that must be copyrighted.

The latest Grate-ing debate.

November 23, 2011

If Mitt Romney becomes the Republican Presidential nominee Madame Tussaud’s will face one of their biggest challenges ever –How to create a wax figure of a wax figure.

And tonight, in trying to come up with a witty response to Wolf Blitzer’s introduction of himself that including “And yes, my real name is Wolf,” the former Massachusetts governor stated “”I’m Mitt Romney and yes, Wolf, that’s also my first name.”

Except that Romney’s first name is “Willard.”

Great, the guy wants to be Commander in Chief and he couldn’t even get through an airport TSA inspection with a ticket that matched his legal name.

Meanwhile, Herman Cain referred to Wolf Blitzer as “Blitz.” Could have been worse though, with the approaching holiday season Cain could have referred to him as “Blitzen.” (And at least Herman didn’t ask where Donner was.)

Newt Gingrich is now saying we should get rid of child labor laws, and put underprivileged children to work in paying jobs. Is he running to be President, or Ambassador to China?

Michele Bachmann said this morning that 70% of GOP voters are still undecided about their choice for the 2012 Republican nomination, which could be a boon for her. Except the problem for her and others is that 70% of voters wish someone, anyone, else was running.

Rush Limbaugh says Michelle Obama is “uppity,” because she’s trying to tell parents she knows what to feed their children. Well, judging by obesity figures, a lot of Americans DON’T know what to feed their children. (Including, perhaps, Rush’s parents?)

Ohio State says if the NCAA doesn’t prohibit them from going, the Buckeyes will accept a bowl bid. Actually, if the NCAA wants an appropriate punishment, they should let OSU go, but forbid the players from accepting ANY swag.

Brigham Young has apparently broken off talks to join the Big East. What, did someone do something drastic? Like show the University president a map?

Over 20 students in the Great Neck, New York area, have been implicated in a scandal involving college students being paid to take SAT tests for kids in high school. The most shocking thing? Apparently no football or basketball players were involved.


So it looks like there are a number of potential victims in Florida who were looking to improve their figures. They now allege that a woman posing as a doctor injected their buttocks with a combination of tire-sealant, cement and superglue. Uh, folks, the only way superglue helps your figure is by using it on your refrigerator door.

Newt Gingrich advocated a softer stand on immigration than his fellow GOP candidates. Was Newt just trying to be the voice of reason? Or besides his affairs does he have illegal employees in his past? (Or an affair with an illegal immigrant?)

Although they didn’t win, Rob Kardashian and Cheryl Burke earned a perfect score on DWTS last night. Well, good to see that this year at least one Kardashian has managed a harmonious relationship with a new partner.

From Gary Bachman: The Black Eyed Peas deny rumors they are breaking up. If they do break up, would they be called the Split Peas?

Hearing voices.

November 14, 2011

Herman Cain is now at least the third GOP candidate to claim God told him to enter the Presidential race. (After Bachmann and Perry.) Maybe God really wants President Obama to be re-elected?

So what do Jon Huntsman and Ron Paul have to do to get airtime at GOP debates? Start harrassing women and forgetting how to count?

So when do we get to see the GOP debate we’ve all been waiting for? The one when Mitt Romney debates himself.

Sorry, Detroit Lions: Even Rick Perry can think of three good reasons not to kick it to Devin Hester.

One of the NY Giants said before today’s game against the Patriots that you “can’t spell ‘elite’ without Eli.” You can’t spell “unraveling” either.

AirTrans is being sued over live cockroaches that appeared on one of their flights. On Europe’s Ryanair, they’d probably charge extra for the wildife viewing. (Or the snacks.)

Stanford’s QB looked awfully human yesterday. Which might have been bad news for the Washington Redskins. Since the Miami Dolphins appear to have decided they no longer need to “Suckforluck.”

A George Washington University professor of medicine resigned last month amidst allegations that she did not teach some of her classes but gave all of those students As. No confirmation on the rumor that she has received a half dozen offers to teach sports medicine to SEC football players.

Maybe some of the Philadelphia Eagles missed their calling in not playing hockey. Seems like they would be better in a game with only three periods.

Congrats to the ageless John Kasay: Four field goals today for the Saints including the winning kick in overtime. He may end up the first kicker to make a 50 yard field goal in his 50s.

Kate Von D. apparently posed a angry letter today about the 19 women she said her ex-fiance (and Sandra Bullock’s ex-husband) Jesse James cheated on her with in the past year. Sounds like Kate was the only person who was surprised this happened.



But really, 19 women in a year? Who does Jesse James think he is? Tiger Woods?

Interesting sidelight to the Penn State story. The media is reporting that 15 adults either saw Sandusky or had “direct knowledge” of his acts and did nothing to stop him. NONE of those adults were women.

Bus to hell moment: Gloria Cain defended her husband against allegations of sexual harrassment by saying “I know that’s not the person he is. He totally respects women.”

Not doubting Mrs. Cain’s sincerity, but isn’t it likely if asked that Mrs. Sandusky would have said of her husband “He totally loves children?”

Slip sliding away.

November 13, 2011

Well, the high wet grass was SUPPOSED to help Stanford tonight. Instead their BCS title hopes and maybe Andrew Luck’s Heisman hopes went slip sliding away.

(It’s as if Oregon had the right cleats and the Cardinal didn’t. And then there was their inability to hold on to a wet football. Stanford played like they had never been in damp weather before. It’s not rocket science, and they’re supposed to have the rocket scientists anyway.)

But ever onward.

As far as the team really “Sucking for Luck” can I nominate his Stanford teammates?

Open note to Stanford fans who saw tonight’s ugly game and thought “Most embarrassing week ever.” There’s a lot of folks who would trade places with us in State College.

The best news for the BCS. After today there’s much less chance of the Stanford band getting to take on Penn State in the Rose Bowl.

Cam Hutchinson on the Penn State mess: “Joe Paterno was fired as the football coach. When asked how he felt about it, the 84-year-old Paterno said, ‘I coached football?'”

Another serious thought about this Penn State mess and the alleged coverup that went far beyond State College. Jerry Sandusky was considered a great defensive coordinator and potential head coach. But after he resigned in 1999, no university offered him a job. This in a sport where Rick Neuheisel, Lane Kiffin, George O’Leary had no problem getting rehired after scandals….


Hugh Hefner apparently told an interviewer that Lindsay Lohan will be “fully nude” in Playboy magazine’s Jan-Feb issue. And that the spread will be “classy, very classy.” This might be the first time in recent memory that Lohan and “classy” have been used in the same sentence.

In tonight’s GOP debate Jon Huntsman made a calm statement about avoiding a trade war with China, and also said “We diminish our standing in the world and the values that we project, which include liberty, democracy, human rights and open markets, when we torture. Waterboarding is torture. We shouldn’t torture.” If the man gets any more reasonable he’ll be polling in negative numbers.

Meanwhile, when asked about his many flip-flops, Mitt Romney replied “I think people understand that I’m a man of steadiness and constancy.” Is Mitt counting on the fact that most Americans may not understand the meaning of three syllable words like “steadiness” and “constancy?”

NBA commissioner David Stern is blaming “greedy” NBA agents for trying to scuttle a new labor deal. Right, as opposed to all those benevolent billionaires who just have the players’ best interests at heart.

That story of former porn star Sasha Grey reading children’s stories to first graders in Compton, CA is still generating some anger. Mostly from fathers who weren’t notified in advance and given a chance to attend.

Rick Perry did better at tonight’s GOP debate. But he didn’t get a chance to say what he really wanted -the three reasons he is still the best candidate. The Texas Governor planned to explain both of them.

Double-speak or nothing?

October 19, 2011

As Rick Perry and Mitt Romney took shots at each other in tonight’s CNN debates, how many people joined me in wanting to see a post-debate hard handshake and backslap etc….?

The next major GOP debate will be November 15,on foreign policy. Comedy writers across the country are already preparing for an all-nighter.

Herman Cain says he can “feel the bulls-eye on his back” before- tonight’s debate. Is he sure he’s not just feeling a sticker for “Two for one pizza?”

Herman Cain also said he was joking about an electric fence on the border. Okay, fine. Only now he says “I don’t like to offend anyone…however, I don’t apologize for using a combination of a fence. And it might be electrified.”” Allegedly Cain got a message from Joe Biden “Herman, really, less is more.”

Newt Gingrich said, if nominated, he will challenge President Obama to seven three-hour debates. Joe Biden is now just praying Newt gets the V.P. nod.

So at the price of two first-round draft picks, Carlson Palmer is now an Oakland Raider and is now “un-retired.” And yes, Brett Favre, that does mean you are chopped liver.

Carlson Palmer has now officially been traded from the Bengals to the Raiders. Which means a bit of a change. He’s going from convicts in the huddle to convicts in the stands.

Have a college reunion party Friday night with a “Mad Men” theme. Which has prompted a long “What do we wear?” thread on Facebook. And of all the commenters, exactly zero are men.

San Francisco is considering a bill to give employers a tax-break for hiring ex-felons. Who came up with this idea in the first place? The management of the Cincinnati Bengals?


The NFL has announced they will not fine Jim Harbaugh and Jim Schwartz for their post-game behavior. The league may, however, offer coverage of both coaches’ next post-game handshakes on Pay-Per-View.

Poor Steve Young, When the cameras switched to him during the pregame show on MNF, he had his cellphone in hand checking email. Well, the pictures are embarrassing, but it could be worse, at least his hand was just on his cellphone.

Rick Santorum said last week that the GOP’s strategy for reducing “the Democratic advantage” should be get the single mothers in this country married, because now “they look to the government for help.” Of course if that were really a priority wouldn’t you think the solution would include birth control? And for that matter gay marriage?

P.C. overdose alert: Four U.S. senators are urging the MLB players union to agree to a ban on chewing tobacco at games and on camera during the World Series, because they think it is a bad influence on viewers. Now, I hate chewing tobacco and wouldn’t mind a permanent ban in future. But after over 170 games, how fair is it to make players go cold turkey in the biggest games of the year?

My friend Walt points out that Congress won’t condemn crotch-grabbing, because they do it all the time. (Yes, and not always their own.)

Waxed?

October 12, 2011

Just a thought, if Mitt Romney ever actually does win the Presidency… Fully expect Madame Tussaud’s to throw up their hands and say “Sorry, there is no way we can compete with reality here.”

This thought inspired by a conversation with my friend Steven Harmon: If Admiral Stockdale was alive he would look at the GOP candidates on the debate stand tonight and ask “Who are they, what are they doing here?”

Like Chris Christie, Rudy Giuliani just announced he was not running for President. Unlike Christie, no one had asked Giuliani to run anyway.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie did endorse Romney Tuesday. Wonder if any editor will run this headline today “Christie throws weight behind Romney.”

Herman Cain said before tonight’s GOP debate that he was going to take on Mitt Romney but added “I’m not going after Perry. I don’t need to go after Perry.” Translation, nothing I can add will be as damaging as what comes out of Rick Perry’s mouth.

Herman Cain, who has become a darling of the Tea Party, also said “If you don’t have a job and you’re not rich, blame yourself.” Uh, doesn’t that mean Obama’s off the hook?

Lebron James is now talking about taking his talents to the NFL. Wait until someone tells him they also play four quarters.

Theo Epstein is apparently about to bolt Boston for the Chicago Cubs. Well, now that he’s married with children it makes sense. The job comes with Octobers off.

South Carolina quarterback Stephen Garcia has been dismissed from the team, after his fifth suspension. – this one due to his allegedly testing positive for marijuana and alcohol. Wonder how long until Garcia gets asked to work out for the Cincinnati Bengals.

From Gary M. – Had Dr. Seuss chronicled the Broncos Sunday, he would’ve told us that Tebow got to play because: Orton Hears a Boo.

Open note to all those ESPN types who were basically predicting a Texas ALCS sweep: If you guys paid any attention to teams beyond the Yankees and Red Sox, you might have noticed that a- Texas isn’t as good on the road, and b- Detroit has a pretty good team, including that Fister guy they picked up from Seattle….

ESPN is advertising their first “Countdown to the BCS” Sunday night. Which will be, about HALFWAY through the college football season, the current rankings for BCS bowl games. Not sure of the order of the top teams at this point, but sure of one thing, anyone who makes this appointment TV is in serious need of a life.

Tim Tebow apparently will be named the Broncos starter for their game after the bye week. Does this mean that God wants Tebow to be the Denver QB? Or does He/She really want to see Andrew Luck in a Broncos uniform?

Shootout at the Hair Club for Men:

September 23, 2011

The Romney-Perry feud is growing. The subtitle of this GOP Primary may be “There ain’t enough hair gel in this town for the two of us.”

Two new polls apparently show former Utah Gov. Jon Huntsman climbing into double digits in New Hampshire. Is that double digits in percentage terms, or in absolute numbers of voters?

Mitt Romney bashed Rick Perry tonight about allowing illegal immigrants to pay in-state tuition rates at the Texas universities. Many Texans agree with him – there’s no way such students should get such a break – unless they can run really fast while carrying (or chasing someone with) a football.

The audience at tonight’s GOP debate in Orlando jeered loudly when a videotaped question from a gay soldier was asked about the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.” Wonder how many of those presumably straight people booing would volunteer to go to the Mideast to take the young man’s place?

You cannot make this “stuff” up dept: Quote from Mitt Romney today “We ought to provide help to the people who have been hurt most by the Obama economy. And that’s the middle class, It’s not those at the very low end; it’s certainly not those at the very high end. It’s for the great middle class — the 80 to 90 percent of us in this country.” As Tonto said “Who’s ‘we’, white man?”


Rough day for the market. Many stocks were falling faster than the Braves and Red Sox’s playoff hopes.

This item sent in by “ifollowsports.com’s Jon Rapoport: Carlos Beltran, overheard leaving the Giants team hotel in Los Angeles to meet with his agent Scott Boras “We’re meeting to figure out which team we will rob.”

Beltran’s joke would be funnier if it weren’t true. But that would presumably let the Giants out, because they have learned from their contract disaster with Zito. So besides Barry, they really aren’t on the hook to any aging, useless players. Well, except Aaron Rowand ($14 million) and Aubrey Huff ($11 million.) Okay, never mind.

This week many Americans changed their relationship status with Facebook to “It’s complicated.”

Manny Ramirez was told he cannot play winter ball in the Dominican Republic because he is on MLB’s inactive list for his most recent suspension. So Manny told ESPNdeportes that he will formally request reinstatement. Which means he is un-retiring and says he will be available for any MLB team. “Atta boy,” said Brett Favre. (Or after the pregnancy hormone test, “Atta girl?”)

Meg Whitman has been named the latest CEO at HP. Counting interim CEO Cathie Lesjak, she will be the fourth CEO in a little over a year. Well, it’s tough, but Meg may have found a more dysfunctional operation to head than the state of California.

The NFL fined Chargers DT Antonio Garay $15,000 for his below-the-knee hit on QB Tom Brady last Sunday. $15,000?! To potentially knock a star player out for the season? Cheap at the price. If the NFL really wants to stop this they should suspend dirty hitters for as long as the player they hit ends up on the disabled list.

Monday night massacre?

September 13, 2011

What got hit harder? That football Sebastian Janokowski kicked for a 63 yard field goal? Or the Dolphins secondary against the Patriots?

‎517 yards in the air for Tom Brady Monday night for New England. It’s the most success Brady’s had completing passes since he got Bridget Moynahan pregnant while dating Giselle Bunchen.

Eight-run outbursts on back-to-back days at A T and T Park. If this continues warrants will be issued for eight men impersonating the SF Giants’ lineup.

From Russell Young – Better Brandon Crawford than Orlando Cab-error.

The Boston Red Sox have lost 10 of their last 13 games, and are now 4 games behind the Yankees, and only 3 games ahead of the Rays for the wild card. “Hell, yeah, you’ve got to panic,” said David Ortiz . Oh, “STFU” said fans in SF, St. Louis, and Chicago.


According to police, Manny Ramirez was arrested and charged with battery Monday after a domestic dispute at his Florida home. Wonder if Manny’s defense will be all those raging pregnancy hormones?


Ted Ginn Jr. agreed to a reducted contract with the SF 49ers, and had one of the best games of his career, returning both a kickoff and punt for a touchdown. This might be the NFL’s best performance of the year after a paycut. Well, except for Cam Newton’s 422 yards passing after he left Auburn for the Carolina Panthers.


Cargill Inc. announced their second recent ground turkey recall. Apparently a test showed salmonella in a sample from the same Arkansas plant that produced the turkey recalled last month. So where are the GOP candidates today complaining about over-regulation and demanding cuts in the FDA budget?


At the GOP debate tonight, when Ron Paul was asked “What do you tell a guy who is sick, goes into a coma and doesn’t have health insurance? Who pays for his coverage? “Are you saying society should just let him die?”, several members of the crowd yelled out “Yeah.” This might be the final nail in the coffin for George H.W. Bush’s “kindler, gentler nation.”

A 290-pound New York man is suing the White Castle hamburger chain for violating his civil rights by not making their booths bigger to accommodate large bellies. Uh, maybe he could eliminate the problem by eating a few less hamburgers?


Texas Governor Rick Perry wrote an editorial about Social Security for USA Today in which he didn’t once mention the term “Ponzi scheme.” Translation – some one on his campaign staff told him he probably can’t win without Florida.

Although “Contagion” led the box office last weekend it was a particularly weak few days for the theaters. Can’t imagine why…. Millions of Americans are feeling nervous about the anniversary of 9/11, and the big new movie is about a virus that may wipe out the world?

Scariest place in the world?

September 8, 2011

Just might be in a room standing between Rick Perry and Mitt Romney and the only blow dryer.


Tonight’s GOP debate will be held at the Reagan Library. Ironic, because for all his reputation, Reagan did occasionally compromise with Democrats, raised taxes, and appointed Sandra Day O’Connor to the Supreme Court. In tonight’s crowd his action would be considered those of a flaming liberal.


Who knows at this point who will be the Republican nominee for President? But if it comes down to Perry and Romney there will at least be full employment for mens’ hairdressers.


Didn’t we learn from John Edwards? Never trust a man who spends more time on his hair than his wife.


Michele Bachmann wants to eliminate the Department of Education. Makes a certain amount of sense. She shows no sign of having benefited from it.


I admit Nancy Pelosi looks like she overdosed on Botox. But Michele Bachman, who is 55, isn’t far behind.

And in all the potential bets and drinking games, who had Rick Perry praising former Massachusetts Governor Dukakis – telling Romney that “Michael Dukakis created jobs three times faster than you did, Mitt,”

The White House doesn’t release information on the President’s television viewing habits, but seems likely that if Obama was sitting down watching the debate, he had more fun tonight than he has in months.


Meanwhile millions of Americans, when asked if they were paying attention to the big debate, figured that meant whether or not Texas A & M should leave the Big 12.


Is this really the best headline they could have written – on the CNN political ticker? “Christie gets big job.”

Panthers rookie quarterback Cam Newton said he was surprised to get a phone call this week from Michael Vick. Surprised I guess because he figured Vick would have called his dad.



In San Jose, California, police officers cited three women working in a Vietnamese coffee shop who they said were serving patrons while topless. Sort of puts a new spin on “short,” “extra hot,” and “grande.”


‎32 games for the SF Giants, 5 errors. At least a few of them resulting in game changing unearned runs. Seems to me Orlando Cabrera should be spelt with a lot more “E”s


Justin Verlander won his 22nd game today, despite giving up 4 earned runs in 6 innings, as the Tigers beat the Indians 8-6. SF Giants management immediately faxed weather reports on average summer temperatures and humidity in Detroit to their entire starting pitching staff.

The Florida Marlins’ new stadium, scheduled to open in 2012, is 80 percent completed. The team is so excited they are considering offering a sneak preview tour to both season ticket holders.


The SEC voted to accept Texas A&M, but the deal won’t be official until all Big 12 schools have promised not to take legal action. You know you’re getting old when you can remember when the drama in college football was actually on the field.

Travel example in the “You can’t make this stuff up” category: A client asked me to find a hotel near her boss’s meeting in New York. Said sure, but where was the meeting? She gave me the address on Broadway, then added “It’s on the 17th floor.”

From Augie, in response to my post saying that W. asked Cheney what a “mea culpa” was.

He thinks that Cheney responded “Mea culpa runneth over with your stupid questions.”

Honeymoon phase:

June 14, 2011

Okay, it’s all sweetness and light now, but how long until the Dallas Mavericks get booed again in Los Angeles?

Many pundits are using Miami’s defeat in the NBA finals as proof you can’t buy a championship. And somewhere George Steinbrenner is just quietly chuckling….

The Lebron James school of how to win friends in action again – “All the people that were rooting on me to fail, at the end of the day they have to wake up tomorrow and have the same life that they had before they woke up today.” Yes, Lebron, but isn’t sports supposed to be an escape? And right now those people are smiling.

Actually Monday morning, folks in Cleveland woke up with smiles as big as those in Ann Arbor reading about Jim Tressell’s resignation.

Newt Gingrich’s sister said her brother won’t end his presidential campaign despite the resignation of most of his campaign staff – “He doesn’t give up that easily,” said Candace Gingrich-Jones. No, not on campaigns. Only on his marriages.

Got to hand it to Lebron James. He may have set a new sports record for tarnishing an image without doing anything illegal and while keeping his pants on.

Speaking of which, it’s Tuesday morning already. So where are today’s latest Anthony Weiner pictures?

President Obama is visiting Puerto Rico today. So which Republican candidate will be the first to chastise him for wasting time and money travelling to a foreign country?

Meanwhile, Lindsay Lohan is under house arrest due to jail overcrowding, and this weekend she threw a rooftop party for her friends.  Wow.  Normally to get this kind of “punishment” in Los Angeles you need to kill someone.

And here I thought he was the smart one in the race: Mitt Romney, flanked by, amongst others, Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum and Michelle Bachman, said “anyone on this stage would be a better president than Barack Obama.”

President Barack Obama says that if he were in Congressman Anthony Weiner’s position, he would resign. Not that I think Obama’s the type to send semi-naked pictures to women, but resign? Really? If he were in Weiner’s position and Michelle had found out, Barack would be dead.

Inspired by my funny friend Jim Barach, who pointed out that “Ruler on Ice” is the horse that won the Belmont, not to be confused with Saddam Hussein. Also not to be confused with “Ruler in Water” – Osama bin Laden.