Posted tagged ‘Monday Night Football jokes’

Timing is everything?

October 2, 2017

So there are 89 days left in 2017. Would Trump & the GOP like to pick one that WOULD be a good day to discuss gun control?

 

Got it. Democratic calls for gun control after mass shootings are politicizing the issue, GOP calls for travel bans are just wanting to keep us safe. #sarcasm

Bernard Kerik for Fox News “For once… can we not turn an American tragedy such as this, into a political issue, while there is still blood on the ground?”
Right, only American tragedies when the shooter is Muslim, or maybe black.

I don’t give a sh*t what God the shooter worshiped or if he worshiped one at all. HE WAS A TERRORIST. Period. #LasVegas

I respect people saying “Pray for Vegas,’ but rather than just prayers maybe we could find way to keep semi-automatic weapons away from bad guys?

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And back to a little snark… because somehow it feels like giving a middle finger to the bad guys.

LaVar Ball says he will home-school his son, LaMelo, for his final two years of high school. because he doesn’t want the young man to have “distractions.”
Well, except for the distractions from his father.

Shame the 49ers can’t find a quarterback like Alex Smith.

Such a trivial detail by Las Vegas standards after last night, but with a recovered fumble after the Redskins tried to emulate Cal’s “The Play” with laterals,  the Chiefs scored a touchdown to win 29-20.   This means Kansas City just covered the 7 point spread.

Braves GM John Coppolella, forced to resign over “serious rules violations” w/ intl players. ATL was 72-90. So not even competent cheaters?

Stanford’s Bryce Love is now the nation’s leading rusher. Cardinal-Oregon Ducks game just scheduled for 8 pm PST Oct 14. So if these old white guys on the Heisman committee have a nap, they might be able to stay up for the 1st quarter.

Matt Cain in “The Player’s Tribune”
“There’s June 13, 2012: the perfect game. Not going to call anyone from S.F. a liar, but I’ll just say this: There were about 42,000 people in attendance that day. And in the last five years, I think I’ve met all 100,000 of them.”

 

Now alas Tom Petty has really passed away. But even with death he didn’t back down. #RIPTomPetty

Maybe God needed a rousing chorus of “Don’t Back Down” in heaven today.
“Well, I won’t back down
No, I won’t back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won’t back down
No, I’ll stand my ground
Won’t be turned around
And I’ll keep this world from draggin’ me down
Gonna stand my ground.”
#TomPetty

Meanwhile, people are still dying in Puerto Rico.

Rock bottom.

October 21, 2013

The Boy Scouts have removed the 2 men who toppled the ancient rock formation in Utah from their posts as scout leaders. No doubt giving thousands of idiots a good lesson – if you’re going to do something that stupid, don’t put it on YouTube.

The Houston Texans released rookies Sam Montgomery, Cierre Wood and Willie Jefferson, allegedly for smoking marijuana. Wonder if the three could be picked up by the Seahawks or Broncos?.

And go figure, smoke pot in the NFL and you get released?  Take steroids and you get suspended a few games but make it back for the playoffs.

It was pretty clear after four days that people in the SF Bay Area missed #BART a lot more than they missed the federal government.

The BART strike is over. Now let’s see if both sides can recover from the plague millions of Californians have wished upon their houses.

So how did the Minnesota Vikings and NY Giants coaches motivate their teams for MNF?    Winner might vault to the top of the BCS standings?

Jim Leyland is stepping down as the Detroit Tigers’ manager. Wonder if those late-inning relief ALCS pitching meltdowns were the tipping point. If so, guess the Tigers’ won’t be interviewing Dusty Baker.

Stanford graduate Andrew Luck, after the Colts win over the Broncos yesterday. “We didn’t let the outside sphere of influence creep into the locker room.” Can’t imagine how Luck gets that nerdy reputation.

The ghost of Russ Hodges: “The Giants win a game, the Giants win a game”

So when Marissa Mayer changed the work at home policy at Yahoo, it was pretty clear she didn’t have childcare issues. Now with the latest update, pretty clear she doesn’t use Yahoo mail either.

Stories out of Texas indicate that Senator Ted Cruz is still popular in the state after leading the U.S. into a shutdown. So where is Rick Perry and his talk of secession when we really need him?

Gov. Chris Christie is withdrawing his appeal of the recent ruling in favor of gay marriage in New Jersey. Christie says he has a “constitutional obligation to enforce the law.” That and apparently he can read the national poll numbers.

Oregon’s defensive coordinator apologized for calling Washington State coach Mike Leach “low class” for leaving in his starters and throwing for two late TDs in the Ducks 62-38 win, saying “There’s no excuse, but sometimes right after the game the adrenaline is still flowing and I made a huge, human error in judgment. I wish I could take it back, and I promise it won’t happen again.” Possible translation “I was reminded we might want to run up the score ourselves later this season to impress BCS voters..”.

Semi-serious stuff below . You have been warned…

Today’s 12 year-old school shooter apparently got a handgun from his parents. Just wondering, if we prosecuted parents for the crimes of their minor children using their guns, and EVERY time a child accidentally shoots themselves or someone else, think folks might try a little higher to keep their weapons in a safe place?

Lawyers for James Holmes, the man accused of killing 12 and wounding 70 in the Aurora, CO theater, are arguing that after the shooting police coerced and misled him into talking to them about bombs found in his apartment, and said his statements shouldn’t be used against him. Right. So maybe a dozen or more lives were saved but the cops were out of line. Yet another example of why attorneys are so beloved in the US.

What happened to Adrian Peterson’s two year old son is a tragedy. But anyone but me having a bit of a hard time with the all the sympathy for the Vikings star when he had only found out the kid existed a couple months ago, and never met his son until the toddler was dying in the hospital?

 

Monday night massacre?

September 13, 2011

What got hit harder? That football Sebastian Janokowski kicked for a 63 yard field goal? Or the Dolphins secondary against the Patriots?

‎517 yards in the air for Tom Brady Monday night for New England. It’s the most success Brady’s had completing passes since he got Bridget Moynahan pregnant while dating Giselle Bunchen.

Eight-run outbursts on back-to-back days at A T and T Park. If this continues warrants will be issued for eight men impersonating the SF Giants’ lineup.

From Russell Young – Better Brandon Crawford than Orlando Cab-error.

The Boston Red Sox have lost 10 of their last 13 games, and are now 4 games behind the Yankees, and only 3 games ahead of the Rays for the wild card. “Hell, yeah, you’ve got to panic,” said David Ortiz . Oh, “STFU” said fans in SF, St. Louis, and Chicago.


According to police, Manny Ramirez was arrested and charged with battery Monday after a domestic dispute at his Florida home. Wonder if Manny’s defense will be all those raging pregnancy hormones?


Ted Ginn Jr. agreed to a reducted contract with the SF 49ers, and had one of the best games of his career, returning both a kickoff and punt for a touchdown. This might be the NFL’s best performance of the year after a paycut. Well, except for Cam Newton’s 422 yards passing after he left Auburn for the Carolina Panthers.


Cargill Inc. announced their second recent ground turkey recall. Apparently a test showed salmonella in a sample from the same Arkansas plant that produced the turkey recalled last month. So where are the GOP candidates today complaining about over-regulation and demanding cuts in the FDA budget?


At the GOP debate tonight, when Ron Paul was asked “What do you tell a guy who is sick, goes into a coma and doesn’t have health insurance? Who pays for his coverage? “Are you saying society should just let him die?”, several members of the crowd yelled out “Yeah.” This might be the final nail in the coffin for George H.W. Bush’s “kindler, gentler nation.”

A 290-pound New York man is suing the White Castle hamburger chain for violating his civil rights by not making their booths bigger to accommodate large bellies. Uh, maybe he could eliminate the problem by eating a few less hamburgers?


Texas Governor Rick Perry wrote an editorial about Social Security for USA Today in which he didn’t once mention the term “Ponzi scheme.” Translation – some one on his campaign staff told him he probably can’t win without Florida.

Although “Contagion” led the box office last weekend it was a particularly weak few days for the theaters. Can’t imagine why…. Millions of Americans are feeling nervous about the anniversary of 9/11, and the big new movie is about a virus that may wipe out the world?