Posted tagged ‘GOP jokes’

Eras of errors

November 10, 2017

The three arrested UCLA players were reportedly shoplifting Louis Vuitton sunglasses? They couldn’t have just bought fakes on street like other US tourists? #cantfixstupid

Anyone missing black light posters from 1970s should love Thursday night’s Seahawks uniforms.

In Fremont, California, a man’s car was towed when he was found to be driving on a suspended license. He then allegedly stole a FedEx truck and was arrested. Your move, Florida.

So Ezekiel Elliott’s suspension is back on as of Thursday morning. Too soon to start a pool on the next injunction?

Royals manager Ned Yost broke his pelvis when he fell working on a tree at his home. Hope if former Giants reliever Jeremy Affeldt has trees that he knows a good arborist.

Anthony Weiner is asking for pen pals in prison. I sure hope he’s also asking for proof of age.

Notre Dame reversed its decision to not provide free birth control to employees & students. Did someone remind them of need to recruit football players?

In Virginia,  Bob Marshall’s sister denounced him as homophobe on FB & said his loss to Danica Roem was “karma.” You think your Thanksgiving dinner will be awkward.

#FEMA is relocating some people from Puerto Rico at least temporarily to the US mainland. If it’s Florida can they stay until 2020 election?

Some boycotting Jim Beam over Mila Kunis’s donations to Planned Parenthood in Mike Pence’s name. Damn, does this mean I have to start drinking Jim Beam?

Pretty clear that if a lot of men in Hollywood want to save their careers they need to change their registration to GOP and run for office.

#RoyMoore has made a career of obsessing about other people’s sex lives. Beginning to think Freud might have been onto something.

Trying to imagine what would happen if same woman accused both Bill Clinton & Roy Moore. Fox News heads would explode.

That moment when we’re arguing over whether GOP candidate for Senate is a pedophile or just a sexual predator.

Four women have made allegations about #RoyMoore. Over-under on the total by the end of the weekend?

 

If there’s four there’s more. #RoyMoore

#RoyMoore blaming predator allegations on “Obama-Clinton machine’s liberal media lapdogs.” Congrats to all those who had “About 6 hours” in the pool.

Trump heading to Vietnam, Melania staying in Beijing before heading to Alaska. Wonder if @FLOTUS heard whispering “free at last, free at last…”

 

 

Not a joke, but a great memory about Roy Halladay from T.C.  quoting his Canadian Hall of Fame speech:  “In a road game, fireworks were being shot off every time the home team hit a homer. After giving up three home runs in the first couple of innings, the pitching coach came out. Halladay told him whatever he had to say to keep it to himself. The coach said he had nothing to say, but just came out to give the guy time to reload the fireworks.”

Advertisements

Ageless?

August 3, 2017

Tom Brady is 40 today. Hope he’s not feeling too deflated about it.

So much attention on Steph Curry’s 1st round of professional golf even though he has no chance to win the tournament. Yep, it really is almost like he was Tiger Woods.

 

Alabama football coach Nick Saban won’t suspend Da’Shawn Hand for his 430a DUI arrest last weekend. Saban says it’s because his potential starting DL was found asleep in car & not actually driving when police found him.
Well that and the Tide open against Florida State.

Rockies closer Greg Holland cut his finger in kitchen accident, is “day-to-day.” Uh, maybe if you can’t stand being on DL, get out of the kitchen.

 

Grateful Dead night at AT&T Park.  SFGiants fans just grateful if the offense didn’t play like they are dead.

SF Giants still undefeated on odd-days in August.

Trump tweet “Our relationship with Russia is at an all-time & very dangerous low.” Uh, about those 13 days in October 1962.

A California man is suing Annie’s because their strawberry fruit snacks don’t contain any strawberries. Hope he never buys angel-food cake.

Trump is heading for a 17 day vacation in New Jersey. Can Chris Christie close down a bridge or something and keep him there?

With AG Sessions still upsetting Trump over the Russia recusal,  McMaster saying Susan Rice did nothing wrong, and Mueller convening a grand jury, it’s going to be a tough call to pick a favorite in the firing pool.

So who’s going to be the first to start a band named “Local milk people.”

 

Now it’s Dubai’s 79-story residential Torch Tower on fire (again) following London’s Grenfell Tower tragedy. But hey, who needs regulations?

Remember Towering Inferno? “You know, one of these days you’re gonna kill 10,000 in one of these firetraps, and I’m gonna keep eating smoke and bringing out bodies until somebody ask us… how to build them.”

Remember those days when August was a slow news month?

Donald Trump changed his mind.  After nominating ex-LA Dodgers co-owner Jamie McCourt as Ambassador to Belgium,  he now nominated her instead as Ambassador to France.

The White House did note Jamie speaks French!

(guess no one told Trump French is one of three official languages of Belgium?)

 

 

If the state secedes I have no problem with @realDonaldTrump becoming the first President of West Virginia.

The Senate unanimously blocked Trump from making recess appointments over break.

The technical reason Trump cannot make recess appointments is –  Senate pro-forma sessions in August.  Who set sessions up?  Alaska’s Senator Murkowski. No doubt with a smile.

With Trump’s 38% approval rating it’s pretty clear that some Republicans are supporting him just because he’s a Republican.
But as we look ahead to 2020, amazing how many Democrats are already drawing lines saying they won’t support someone if he or she isn’t THEIR Democrat.

from Marc Ragovin  – “Former NY Giant Michael Strahan lost part of one of his fingers in a recent accident. “Amateur,” said Jason Pierre-Paul.”

Icy hot.

May 25, 2017

What a shock to anyone who’s been watching the NBA playoffs.  Not only did the Senators-Penguins go 7 games, they were actually mostly good games.  Like much of the NHL playoffs. Close games…you can do that?

 

So once again, Canada doesn’t have a team in the Stanley Cup finals. But they still have Justin Trudeau. We in US might trade….

Former NBA player Rashad McCants said dating a Kardashian (Khloe) wrecked his NBA career. And other NBA players who’ve screwed up their lives with Kardashians are going “Who?”

 

A California woman is suing Jelly Belly, claiming she didn’t know their “sport” jelly beans. contain sugar. Once again, an illustration that Shakespeare was ahead of his time – ‘First thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.”

And on another lighter note, a Florida woman was arrested for assaulting her ex by throwing pork fried rice at him. Hmm, maybe, not such a light note.  Fried rice can be heavy.

New White House motto. “If the President does it it’s not leaking?

Happy #NationalWineDay. Of course, since January 20, 2017, many Americans especially women consider EVERY day #NationalWineDay

 

US Appeals court in Richmond ruled against Trump’s revised travel ban Can’t wait to hear Sessions refer to Richmond as “island in Virginia.”

Starting to feel old. I remember when home runs didn’t have “launch angles.”

Major score in Trump insult bingo for those who had “all NATO countries.”

Trump standing next to Angela Merkel and lecturing European leaders: “You have thousands and thousands of people pouring into our various countries, and spreading throughout, and in many cases we have no idea who they are. The NATO of the future must include a great focus on terrorism and immigration,..”
Except the Manchester bomber was British-born….

If we’re worried about immigrants but also want immigrants & minorities to “report any suspicious activity” it seems to me we have a problem.

Will GOP take assault off list of reasons to deport immigrants? Because it’s clearly now okay if someone p*sses you off. #IOKIYR #Gianforte

 

Gianforte win is quite a change, usually candidates wait until after they are elected to get arrested.

National GOP Congressional Committee Chairman Steve Stivers “From what “From what I know of Greg Gianforte, this was totally out of character, but we all make mistakes.”
Well, guess since actual violence was involved Stivers couldn’t just call it “locker room banter.”

Home Depot co-founder Ken Langone “Hell, people use food stamps to buy marijuana — that’s illegal — or cocaine, or whatever the hell else people use to get high.”
Begging the question – “What is Langone smoking?”

If Gianforte wins & goes to DC instead of jail, can we somehow start intraparty fight between him & Ted Cruz.  Cruz? #payperview #passthepopcorn

 

From T.C.  Prez of Montenegro lucky he wasn’t Bodyslammed. They must have paid their NATO “dues”.

Dreaming?

July 20, 2016

Right about now after the last week both the SF Giants and GOP have to be hoping to see Bobby come out of that shower.  #Dallas

#‎SFGiants‬ have had the lead in exactly one inning since the All-Star break.

 

#‎SFGiants‬ feeling sorry for ‪#‎Dodgers‬ with ‪#‎Kershaw‬ potentially needing back surgery. Maybe they can ship ‪#‎Cain‬ to ‪#‎LA‬ as a replacement.

#‎SFGiants‬ have had the lead in exactly one inning since the All-Star break.

The Big 12 is thinking of expanding in football, from 10 teams to 12. Arithmetic, what a concept.

 

Paul Ryan, at a meeting of the Texas GOP, talked about the football rivalries like A&M and Texas, “When one of the teams advances to a big bowl game or a national championship, don’t you root for the Aggies if you are a Longhorn?”
The speaker got booed. Good thing Ryan didn’t try that in the Florida delegation with the Gators and Seminoles. He might still be in intensive care.

 

Paul Ryan also talked about Ohio State and Michigan rooting for each other in bowl games because they were in the same conference. Does the man realize that Ohio is in an open-carry state?

 

Well, not sure what @realDonaldTrump might plagiarize on Thursday, but just guessing it won’t be Reagan’s “tear down that wall.” ‪#‎RNCinCLE‬

Reports are that John ‪#‎Kasich‬ turned down an offer to be “most powerful VP in history.” So was @HillaryClinton reaching across the aisle?

So wait, if ‪#‎MeredithMcIver‬ wrote speech what about lie Melania told about writing it herself. ‪#‎IOYIYR‬ ‪#‎IOKIYT‬ (It’s OK if you’re Republican, or Trump.)

 

‪#‎MeredithMcIver‬ to take blame. Will Trump fire her? Not for plagiarizing but for saying for saying Melania always admired ‪#‎MichelleObama‬

Donald Trump “Good news is Melania’s speech got more publicity than any in the history of politics especially if you believe that all press is good press!”
So how is the Donald going to start his speech Thursday? “Four score and seven years ago, all we had to fear was fear itself, but I have a HUGE dream that it’s time for Americans to ask what they can do for their country….”

 

After watching ‪#‎RNCinCLE‬ a lot of people are thinking by comparison that ‪#‎OscarsNotSoWhite‬

So, okay, I think I’ve got this straight: The GOP wants Loretta Lynch to be disqualified as U.S. Attorney General for prejudice after her meeting with Bill Clinton. But it’s okay for Chris Christie to have the role after saying Hillary should be locked up. ‪#‎SMH‬

 

N.H. GOP state rep and Trump advisor Al Baldasaro said Hillary Clinton “should be put in the firing line and shot for treason.” Uh, speaking of treason, doesn’t threatening a potential President fall into that category?

 

So @realDonaldTrump says ‪#‎TedCruz‬ didn’t “honor his pledge” And who should be more expert on not honoring pledges than man married 3 times.

Not that I quote Caitlyn Jenner almost ever, but on the bathroom issue, she noted that former Idaho Sen. Larry Craig, former Mississippi Rep. Jon Hinson & former Florida state Rep. Bob Allen had all been arrested for “lewd behavior” in men’s restrooms,
“Maybe what we should do is ban Republican representatives at a state level from being in the men’s room.

A Florida girl not chosen to be a cheerleader has threatened to sue if she isn’t named to the high school team. ‪#‎ifonlyshewerearmed‬

 

Apparently many Twitter users were incensed that Megyn Kelly was wearing a spaghetti strap form-fitting top today to cover the RNC for Fox. Probably all Republicans. Democratic women would support Megyn’s right to dress as she pleases, and men would think the incident deserves a longer investigation.

How often does @HillaryClinton applaud ‪#‎TedCruz‬? ‪#‎RNCinCLE‬

Did ‪#‎Trump‬ give ‪#‎TedCruz‬ an ‪#‎RNC‬ speaking slot because Cruz’s dad still might know some of those assassins? ‪#‎Fearfactor‬ ‪#‎RNCinCLE‬

‎MikePence‬, “I’m a Christian, a conservative and a Republican, in that order.” Just like it says in the U.S. Constitution…. ‪#‎RNCinCLE‬ ‪#‎WTF‬?

It’s a start.

April 5, 2016

It’s only 1 game, but right this second ‪#‎SFGiants‬ not feeling too badly about losing out on Zack ‪#‎Greinke‬ & having to sign Johnny ‪#‎Cueto‬

Several Patriots fans are now suing the NFL and Roger Goodell over the league’s punishment for the Deflategate scandal. “Right, because that poor franchise never gets a break,” said nobody outside New England.

 

All the hype on Warriors network about upcoming ‪#‎GoldenState‬ ‪#‎SanAntonio‬ matchup Thurs. Right, Pop might even play one of ‪#‎Spurs‬ starters.

In the first game of the season, Chase Utley has started another controversy with a slide that some thought was dirty at home plate. Well, if he makes a pattern of it, MLB won’t need a Chase Utley rule, as some pitcher will apply the Drysdale rule and put Utley on the DL.

At Disneyland Paris, a worker was apparently electrocuted inside the Haunted Mansion ride. So sounds like they’ll have to update the French version of “999 happy haunts, but there’s always room for one more…” ‪#‎Disneybustohell‬

 

RNC Chairman Reince Priebus is now warning Trump that the Donald made a loyalty pledge to the eventual GOP Presidential nominee. Right, like that’s going to make any difference to the man who three times has said “Until death do us part.”

Despite watching major backlash in Georgia and North Carolina, Mississippi’s governor Phil Bryant today signed a law allowing businesses to refuse service to gay couples based on employers’ religious beliefs. Maybe because Bryant figured no one from outside the state wants to do business or visit Mississippi anyhow?

A man was arrested in Atherton, California for vandalism and trespassing after he spray-painted graffiti at various locations around town. Police were able to figure out it was him because the graffiti all included his NAME. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

 

In Alabama, a bipartisan group of legislators is moving to impeach Gov. Robert Bentley over a sex scandal over leaked tapes of his conversations with a female aide. Bentley is maintaining that despite the explicit nature of the tapes, that he never actually committed adultery. So the Governor’s DEFENSE is that he’s another politician who is all talk and no action.

 

A tale of two approaches to America’s problems. President Obama and the Treasury Dept are proposing tighting regulations on billion dollar corporate tax inversions, and Trump is going to build a wall by stopping poor illegals from sending some of their low wages back to Mexico.

There’s a fair amount of media attention being paid to Bernie Sanders’ recent interview with the NY Daily News, during which he dodged questions, gave a lot of vague answers, and acted generally rather unaware. Well, maybe it’s all part of Bernie’s plan to go after Trump voters.

 

From Alex Kaseberg  “North Korean dictator, Kim Jong-Un, has reportedly ballooned to over 300 pounds. He may have to change his name to Kim Jong-Christie.

(I’m thinking, or maybe Kim Jong-Un’s goal is to play third base for the Red Sox?)

Going to not-so-great lengths

March 3, 2016

Peyton Manning, in a speech last night at the Florida Forum “Many of you have probably heard that I have a significant announcement to make, so I thought I’d go ahead and make it with all of you here tonight. Papa John’s is offering 50 percent off tonight through Friday.”
Someday Manning may have the only funeral where they hand out pizza coupons.

South Africa’s highest court has dismissed Oscar Pistorius’s appeal against his murder conviction, so he could be facing a minimum 15-year jail sentence. “I feel so sorry for him” said nobody.

 

Anyone who thought the GOP campaign couldn’t go any lower? I think this CNN headline might mean we just hit bottom.”Donald Trump defends size of his penis.”

John Kasich isn’t someone I would vote for, but I still think he’s a capable human being.  Watching him on the margins of the GOP debate recalls an anecdote about Adlai Stevenson in the 1956 presidential campaign:   A woman called out “Senator, you have the vote of every thinking person!” Stevenson called back “That’s not enough, madam, we need a majority!”

So if the GOP is really serious about stopping Trump, it should be noted that in Alaska the Donald got Sarah Palin’s endorsement. And the winner was Ted Cruz. ‪#‎coincidence‬?

Now Mitt Romney apparently is focused mostly on keeping Trump from having 1,237 delegates, the number he needs to secure the nomination, so that the GOP can block the Donald at the convention.
Well, this ought to do wonders for convincing potential Trump voters that the establishment isn’t rigged against them..

Mitt Romney just attacked Donald Trump for dishonesty and pointed to Trump’s “greed,” “showing off”, and “misogyny,” Hey wait, aren’t those real GOP values?

Mitt Romney called Donald Trump a “phony” and a “fraud” who would hand the election to the Dems in November. So which Mitt was talking? The moderate governor of Mass., or the “severe conservative” who ran in 2012?

An Australian writer, Helen Garner, got what she thought was a spam email with “good news” and saying somewhat at Yale needed her phone number. It turned out to be real; she had won a $150,000 writing prize.
And a whole lot of spammers just got a new idea.

Scott Kelly grew two inches while he was in space. And wonder how many men are telling women, “Well, I used to be an astronaut.”

Jim Harbaugh and Tennessee coach Butch Jones are now in a Twitter battle, where Jones went after Michigan for practicing in Florida, and Harbaugh told him to “focus on his own program.”
So how can we get a game between the Wolverines and Volunteers? ‪#‎ratings‬ ‪#‎whatsyourdeal‬?

LeBron James is getting some criticism for working out with Dwayne Wade during a couple off-days, especially as the Heat also are probably a playoff team. But really, who expects Miami to be around long enough in the postseason for it to matter?

Jeb Bush is trying to make a difference and redeem his status within the GOP. So if he’s really serious can Jeb endorse Trump?

 

Has someone told the ‪#‎Thunder‬ that hockey has three periods, basketball has four quarters? ‪#‎Warriors‬ ‪#‎NBA‬

RIP from RBG

February 14, 2016

In the midst of all the craziness, this comment from Ruth Bader Ginsberg on Antonin Scalia is worth repeating. “I disagreed with most of what he said, but I loved the way he said it.”

So at ‪#‎Scalia‬‘s funeral will Clarence Thomas honor his late colleague by not saying a few words?

 –
#‎TedCruz‬ says the next President should nominate ‪#‎Scalia‬‘s replacement. So congrats to all those who had “about 10 minutes” in the pool.

Wind chill in liberal Massachusetts tonight down to at least 35 below. Maybe some in the GOP shouldn’t have said it would be a cold day in hell when Obama would get to nominate another Supreme Court justice.

Padmanabhan Srikanth “Sri” Srinivasan – google him. Confirmed 97-0 on the US Court of Appeals. Obama could make things very difficult both for the GOP and reporters/copy editors.

 

So all these GOP yahoos demanding we wait until the election and to let the next President pick the next Supreme Court justice, does this mean that if a Republican is elected, they think he should not be able to fill any potential SCOTUS opening in the 2nd half of his term?

We interrupt politics for a bulletin from Pebble Beach. Phil Mickleson is leading the AT&T Pro-Am by 2 strokes after 3 rounds. Even Jamie Moyer is thinking “That dude is old.”

Jenrry Mejia has been banned permanently from MLB for his 3rd PED suspension. Clearly Mejia should have focused on trying to play NFL football, where he’d be back again after a few games.

More of the “stuff” you can’t make up: In New York, Central Park’s ice festival was canceled today, due to extreme cold.
(And in Minnesota they’re just giggling.)

Kentucky men’s basketball coach John Calipari was ejected two minutes and 26 seconds into today’s game against South Carolina. 146 seconds?!! That’s only about as long as his players spend in class.

 

As a retirement gift, Michael Jordan gave Kobe Bryant a full set of all 30 sneakers released so far in the Air Jordan line. A very nice gift. Although at this point Kobe almost has enough money to have been able to buy them himself.

For that matter, will those in the GOP who say a president should not be able to nominate a Supreme Court judge in the last year of his term, also say that a president cannot negotiate important deals and treaties etc in that last year. Leaderofthefreeworldforthefirsthalfofhisorherterm‬?

Mitch McConnell -“The American people should have a voice in the selection of their next Supreme Court Justice. Therefore, this vacancy should not be filled until we have a new President.” Uh, didn’t the American people exercise their voice by electing President Obama? Twice.

Ted Cruz’s campaign is dealing with some fallout because they accidentally used a porn actress in on of their commercials. Such an ad would never be released by Hillary Clinton’s campaign – Bill would recognize the actress first.

Watching these debates makes many Americans wish that Jed Bartlett was president. Heck, watching these debates makes many Americans wish Frank Underwood was president.

 

Comparing tonight’s GOP debate to a kindergarten playground is an insult to kindergarteners.

Somewhere Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders had to be watching this ‪#‎GOPDebate‬ and just giggling.

 

 

 

 

So will those in the GOP who say a president should not be able to nominate a Supreme Court judge in the last year of his term, also say that a president cannot negotiate important deals and treaties etc in the last year of his term? ‪#‎Leaderofthefreeworldforthefirsthalfofhisorherterm‬?