Posted tagged ‘Christmas jokes’

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A not-completely ill wind.

December 18, 2016

In 1989, Hurricane Hugo destroyed the only Olympic-sized pool in St. Croix, damaging the future gold medal dreams of one of the island’s top swimmers. But it ended up okay for Tim Duncan.

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Coolest thing, not as a player how great #21 was, but as a teammate and man how much he is loved . “I got so much more from you guys, from my teammates than they can explain that they got from me.” -Tim Duncan

retirement

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SF 49ers co-owner John York was asked today if the report of his son Jed being stripped of his CEO duties was false, he replied “Completely..” Which is great news, for the rest of the NFL.

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San Francisco would at least like to thank the #SF49ers for not providing a real distraction from Christmas shopping this Sunday.

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The Ravens’ Justin Tucker set a record by making his 10th field goal of the season of 50 yards or longer But to be fair shouldn’t some credit be given to the opportunities presented Tucker by Baltimore’s mediocre offense?

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Now it ‘s the Washington University at St Louis men’s soccer team suspended for “degrading and sexually explicit comments” online against women. Now, I’m not that P.C., but wouldn’t you think coaches would start telling these idiots at least to keep their neanderthal comments off-line and in the locker room?

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In Little Rock, a 3-yr-old boy was fatally shot when police say an angry driver fired at his grandmother’s car because she “wasn’t moving fast enough.”
If only the toddler had been armed.

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RIP Rose Evansky, 94, who died last month. While others made more headlines, she came up with a simple idea in the 1980s, blow-dry hairstyling for women. (Remember those domed dryers?). #lifechanging

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Zsa Zsa Gabor, 99, has passed away. Most Americans are shocked. Zsa Zsa Gabor was still alive?

 

For the younger generation going “Who?”, #ZsaZsaGabor was a Kardashian before there were Kardashians.

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If there really were a “War on Christmas” you think all these stores would still have Christmas decorations up soon after Labor Day?

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I know many of us are “dreaming of a White Christmas” but these Donald Trump thank-you rallies were not what we had in mind.

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Trump is upset some are questioning legitimacy of the election when he himself spent much of campaign questioning legitimacy of the election.

 

 

So Trump hasn’t had a press conference since July 27, but hosted members of the press pool for an off-the-record party with lots of food and drink, and photo ops, at Mar A Lago in Florida.
And anyone defending this, imagine if Hillary Clinton had done the same thing?

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Meanwhile, Skip Bayless was on FB live when he used his own official page to comment “Skip you are the man!!! Love the new show on FS1!!!”
Is this a shameless attempt to promote himself as a potential White House Press Secretary? #egosofafeather

 

 

 

#SoundofMusic one of my all-time favorites, well except that line ‘Lo & behold you’re someone’s wife, & you belong to him” #nobodysperfect

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You better watch out.

December 26, 2015

Good thing Santa Claus got entrenched before the U.S. really started politicizing EVERYTHING. For starters we’d have conservatives questioning Santa’s immigration status and socialist giveaways, and some liberals complaining about his carbon footprint and potential abuse of reindeer.

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The winning Christmas tweet of the year comes from Bette Midler: “Happy holidays to all: Here is my recipe for dairy-free, sugar-free, vegan eggnog: Bourbon.”

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Just saw “The Big Short”, which has to be a strong contender for “Best Picture” along with a lot of other awards. But if you’ve always watched “It’s a Wonderful Life” and felt sympathy for Mr. Potter, then it’s also the feel-good movie of the season.

And then there’s the original “Miracle on 34th Street”, to my mind the best Christmas movie ever, even with the ridiculous colorization. Any other nominees? ‪#‎IbelieveIbelieve‬

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So THIS is a major on-line headline on Christmas: “Ashton Kutcher was seen exiting the Ancient Therapy Thai massage parlor in Los Angeles last week, but there is no evidence of improper behavior, multiple outlets reported. Kutcher is married to Mila Kunis.” ‪#‎beammeupScottietheresnointelligentlifeonthisplanet‬

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Serena Williams won her fourth female AP athlete of the year. Congrats to Serena on another great year. But isn’t it just possible she’s the only female athlete many voters know.

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Not sure exactly when the tradition started, but kind of hard to imagine in these times that millions of over-protective parents cheerfully put their little children on a bearded foreign stranger’s lap and tell the kids to ask him for presents.

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A British astronaut apparently tried to call home and dialed a wrong number. Will be interesting to see how much his mobile phone company charged him for the mistake.

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Jeb Bush has abandoned his efforts to trademark “Jeb!” So is he just going to go with the more direct “Loser!”?

 

So THIS is a major on-line headline on Christmas: “Ashton Kutcher was seen exiting the Ancient Therapy Thai massage parlor in Los Angeles last week, but there is no evidence of improper behavior, multiple outlets reported. Kutcher is married to Mila Kunis.” ‪beammeupScottietheresnointelligentlifeonthisplanet‬.

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What’s harder to believe.  72 degree weather in New York on Christmas Day? Or this headline “Redskins poised to lock up NFC East on Saturday night?

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Not sure exactly when the tradition started, but kind of hard to imagine in these times that millions of over-protective parents cheerfully put their little children on a bearded foreign stranger’s lap and tell the kids to ask him for presents.

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In early returns of 2016 NBA All-Star voting, Los Angeles Lakers star Kobe Bryant has 719,235 votes, not only leading with all players, but with almost as many votes as Stephen Curry and LeBron James put together.

Sounds like the people voting for the All-Stars are the same ones answering GOP Presidential pollsters.

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What’s more unbelievable? 72 degree weather in New York on Christmas Day? Or this headline “Redskins poised to lock up NFC East on Saturday night?

 

Seriously for a change, and to all my readers and friends. Hope you had a Merry Christmas or happy whatever you celebrate. Whether you are part of the choir I preach to, or whether I am one of your few commie-pinko friends, whether I have met you in real life or only in cyber-space, I am grateful for all of you.
(well, most of the time anyway. Now back to snark. 🙂

Starting with the voodoo cat.   And her non-denominational humbug.

xmasxena

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Ho, ho, ho.

December 25, 2015

Really disappointed, it’s Christmas Eve and I haven’t gotten a Thanksgiving card from Steve Harvey.

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NORAD was doing their  usual good work tracking Santa last night. Let’s see, a foreign bearded man flying with an overweight cargo of mystery packages, and he says he is only carrying weapons on behalf of those who wished for them. Waiting to see some GOP candidate blame this on Obama.

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The Hanford Nuclear Reservation in Washington, home of the U.S.’s largest collection of toxic radioactive waste, is now the U.S’s newest national parks. (Apparently tourists won’t be allowed near the waste itself.). Could be cool, the only national park where you won’t need flashlights after dark.

 

In their possible last game in Oakland, the Raiders won 23-20, in OT, to move to 7-8 on the season. Alas for fans who remember the halcyon playoff days, there is no chance the team moves to the NFC East.

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A Northern California man is out on bail, three days after being arrested for making threats outside a Richmond mosque and posting a picture of a pipe bomb and anti-Islam rants on Facebook. So where are the GOP candidates screaming about terrorism on this one?

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The Fox Business Network has decided the next GOP debate can include only six candidates, based on the most recent polls. So no doubt the number was chosen to optimize ratings. But without a single vote being cast this decision is being made by a group of people too bored or stupid to hang up on telephone pollsters?

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If we really are going to count meaningless non-votes for the GOP presidential primaries in deciding the debates, why not forget the polls and do an American Idol set-up. Lowest total gets voted off each week. Then we might really be talking ratings.

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SportsCenter said Malcolm Butler’s game-ending interception against the Seattle Seahawks in the Super Bowl was the top play of the year. Okay, but should the “Top Play” really be the result of one of the “Not Top Ten Plays” of all time? ‪#‎shouldhavehandedofftoLynch‬ ‪#‎Cantfixstupid‬

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Bristol Palin had her second child yesterday, and named the little girl “Sailor.” Because “Saint” was already taken?

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Stanford has a big billboard out football stadium touting Kevin Hogan, Christian McCaffery and their “99 percent grad rate” And at Cal they are thinking. “So is that more than half?”

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Dec 24 was the Popeye Bahamas Bowl. Middle Tennessee and Western Michigan. This is the rare bowl where both teams win, by getting to spend Christmas in Nassau instead of Murfreesboro and Kalamazoo.

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Although shouldn’t  a rule for a bowl game be, that you have to be able to sell more tickets that there are players on the field.

 

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Hyatt Hotels just announced, while they aren’t sure of how many cards may have been compromised, the company apparently discovered malware on their payment processing computers 3 weeks ago. 3 weeks?! Well, nothing can go wrong in that time….

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The Phoenix Suns suspended underachieving forward Markieff Morris for two games today after he threw a towel at coach Jeff Hornacek. Fortunately for Hornacek, since it was Morris, he missed..

 

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Oh, rats.

December 23, 2015

Apparently the state shut down 10 restaurants in South Florida: last week due to health violations like roaches and rodent droppings found on site. Well, clearly the patrons needed to be armed.

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Meanwhile a Florida man died after he accidentally shot himself while on a video call with a relative.  The Miami-Dade Police said he was   “explaining the proper way to clean a firearm” #cantfixstupid #butyoucanburystupid  #Darwin

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The California Dungeness crab season will not open this year in time for Christmas due to perceived safety issues from toxins due to warmer than usual ocean temperatures.

Humbug. But I repeat, all those who don’t believe in science and/or global warming should be our canaries in the coal mine,  or rather crab mine, and feast away:

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Jeb Bush, on what he might be expected to say at an upcoming New Hampshire event -“A sentence in the English language, you know? With an adjective and adverbs, three syllable words occasionally.”
Uh, Jeb, this is not exactly known as playing to the GOP primary base

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When all these companies who send almost spam all year to your email inbox then send electronic Christmas or Holiday greetings, you know, it’s still almost spam.

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Defending World Cup champion Marcel Hirscher was almost hit by a falling drone camera during a run in a World Cup race today in Italy. After the event Hirscher – “This is horrible. This can never happen again.” And sponsors are thinking – but think of the potential TV ratings. ‪#‎Worldcupdemolitionderby‬

 

NY Giants coach Tom Coughlin said today that Odell Beckham “certainly was wrong, and we’ve said he was wrong from day one. But there were factors involved, starting in pregame, which are well documented, which indicate that there was an attempt to provoke him. He was provoked.”
I have some sympathy for Beckham being upset. But hate to say it, if you’re an adult NFL player, aren’t you supposed to be above freaking out over insults and trash talk?

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A Southwest plane landed safely today back at Oakland Airport after circling for four hours. The pilot was worried over a potential problem with the landing gear. No injuries but now for the important issue for most passengers – do they get extra frequent flier miles for all that circling?

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A Windstar ship has run aground at a remote island -Isla de Colba – off the coast of Panama. All passengers and crew are safe but the ship is too damaged to complete the cruise. CNN is crushed, the island is 200 miles from Panama City and with full planes around the holidays probably no way to get a big news crew down to cover it.

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Donald Trump is now claiming that “schlonged” isn’t vulgar. Well, at this point it might not be as vulgar as “Trumped.”

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Look, who the heck knows what goes on in anyone else’s marriage. But interesting that no one attacking Bill and Hillary, who actually are still together, seems to have a problem with the fact that both Trump and Fiorina both met their current spouses when they were married to their previous spouses. ‪#‎familyvalues

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On Fox News, they have been suggesting that Chelsea Clinton’s second pregnancy was timed for her to have the baby right in the middle of the 2016 campaign. Uh, as if any 35 year-old woman can exactly time ANY pregnancy?
(and what about all babies being a gift from God and all that…. ‪#‎notsoprolife‬

 

Black Lives Matter protesters shut down Mall of America and an airport terminal today. Now I sympathize with the cause. But if you want to get average Americans on your side making them miss a flight or not get their Christmas shopping done is probably not the best way to do it.

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Holidaze

December 14, 2015

So just wondering. How come we can’t say ‪#‎MerryChristmas‬ but we have to listen to ‪#‎GodBlessAmerica‬ at every Sunday ‪#‎MLB‬ game?

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Holiday tip of the day. If you have an SUV large enough to carry two kids’ soccer teams, you just MIGHT be too big to park in a “compact car” spot

 

Scott Cochran, Alabama’s strength and conditioning coach for football, was rumored to be leaving for Georgia. But he will remain with the Crimson Tide, reportedly with a raise. USA Today says Cochran’s current salary is $420,000 and he probably will get at least $500,000 to stay.
Hmm, wonder what professors make at Alabama?

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Amazon has apparently removed most hoverboards from their site over safety concerns, specifically that some models could catch fire and explode. And here I was thinking the biggest worry was falling off the things.

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Apparently new MLB commission Rob Manfred has decided to keep Pete Rose’s lifetime ban in place. It’s always seemed to me a reasonable solution was to allow Rose to be on the Hall of Fame ballot, but ban him from ever holding a job again in baseball. Not having the career hits leader on a plaque seems wrong.

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Right about now the #‎Spurs‬ and ‪#‎Warriors‬  are doing good job convincing casual basketball fans there’s no need to pay attention until ‪#‎NBA‬ Western Conference Finals.

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#‎SFGiants‬ apparently got ‪#‎JohnnyCueto‬. Clearly there’s something here about the hair.

 

You know the MLB free agent market is out of whack when 6 years $130 million for ‪#‎JohnnyCueto‬ seems like a reasonably priced deal. ‪#‎SFGIANTS‬

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The FAA says drone owners will have to register their remote-controlled aircraft starting Dec 21. But what if your drone is armed?

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Tennessee Sen. Bob Corker says he has refiled his financial disclosure forms after a WSJ report said he didn’t file millions of dollars worth of investments and profits he received since joining the Senator in 2007. Corker now says “I am extremely disappointed in the filing errors that were made in earlier financial disclosure reports.”
Well, I am sure he is extremely disappointed that he got caught.

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An 11-year-old girl who was visiting a friend with some other classmates was fatally shot by a 12-year-old boy at his Tennessee home Friday night. If only the kids had been armed.

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Police have now charged Ole Miss DL Robert Nkemdiche with marijuana possession after his fall from a hotel window this weekend. Police say they found the football star “conscious and breathing while lying on the ground near the Hyatt’s sidewalk and driveway — and a group of several associates. None of them claimed to know why Nkemdiche had fallen out the double-pane room window.”

Hmm, maybe more than one person should have been charged with possession of something….

 

Donald Trump, on Iowa polls show him losing to Ted Cruz “Don’t worry, it’s just Iowa.” Well, that ought to make the Donald even more popular in the state.

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Kim Jong Uh-oh

December 23, 2014

North Korea is recovering from a countrywide internet outage. So someone found the plug and plugged it back in?

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North Korea’s internet was completely down for most of a day. Is this the Circular Firing Squad theory of hacking?

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Four inteceptions last night. Who did Peyton Manning think he was? Eli?

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Damn. Joe Cocker has died. His voice will always be so beautiful to me. ‪#‎nowIfeelold‬

 

We expected the rock stars from our youth to die of things like drug overdoses and various crashes. Not ready for them to die of things related to getting older.

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Only good thing about the Ravens and 49ers recent play. Won’t be any playoff tension in the Harbaugh family this January.

 

Kourtney Kardashian has named her new son “Reign.” William and Kate please come back. We need a real royal family.

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“Reign” huh, well at least the Kardashians have plenty of money for future therapy..

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Apparently a recent poll of Americans under 30 found that only 29 percent mail Christmas cards. And no doubt 21 percent said “What’s a Christmas card? And 50 percent said “What’s mail?”

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Only 367 shopping days until Christmas 2016. ‪#‎enoughsalesalready‬

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Forget March Madness. The real challenge is picking all the NCAA Bowl game winners. Heck. It would be hard enough to name all the bowls.

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A sad unintended consequence of Kindles etc: a generation will grow up without the vacation experience of brief bonding over books. “Oh that’s a great read.”. “Have you read…?” “What do you think of that book?

 

A Southwest Airlines flight clipped the wing of an American Airlines plane on the tarmac at LaGuardia. No injuries. But presumably that’s the end of Holiday Happy Hour for pilots.

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(But hey,  suppose it was bound to happen now that budget cuts have forced most schools to eliminate Driver’s Ed.)

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Apparently the guy who ambushed and shot two NYPD cops had tried unsuccessfully to hang himself last year. That’s one of many problems with guns – you don’t even need to be competent to kill

 

6.4 million have signed up for Obamacare, and the stock market closed over 18,000. Time for the GOP to have another hearing on Benghazi.

 

 

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Hack a thon.

December 19, 2014

President Obama said he thinks Sony “made a mistake” in yanking “The Interview.” Adding “We cannot have a society in which some dictator someplace can start imposing censorship here in the United States.” Yeah, we’ll leave that to nutcases on local school boards.

 

 

A lot of studios are upset by the Sony hacking and resulting cancelled premiere of “The Interview.” Universal Studios is most upset that North Korea didn’t hack “47 Ronin.”

 

GOP Sen Mark Kirk of lllinois says he is going to have a fundraiser during a screening of the “The Interview” Proving the power of the North Korean hackers – they have actually caused a Seth Rogen movie to be used for a Republican fundraiser.

As my friend Joe C says “Wow. Does Satan need an ice pick? Snowblower? Ice skates”

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Outgoing MLB commissioner Bud Selig will be paid $6 million annually in retirement. Makes sense, baseball is the one sport that specializes in long-term guaranteed contracts to people who have long outlived their value.

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After back-to-back World Series, Jake Peavy is back with SF Giants. Did someone tell him this is an odd-numbered year?

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QB Jay Cutler said it has “crossed his mind” that he has played his final games with the Bears. But then presumably that thought was intercepted

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Only good thing about all these holiday e-cards from businesses you don’t really care about is that you can hit delete instead of tossing them in the recycling bin.

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At this point wouldn’t it be faster to hear from the models and actresses who worked with Bill Cosby and don’t claim to have been sexually assaulted by him?

 

Staples has just announced that over a million customer cards have been compromised by hackers this fall. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea for the chain to change their slogan in 2014 to “Make More Happen”?

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Sometimes in the U.S. we think we have a monopoly on sexist a**holes in political office. But tonight I give you, Brazil. Where during a debate on sexual violence, opposition congressman Jair Bolsonaro told congresswoman Maria do Rosario Nunes he would not rape her “because she was not worth it.”

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The ‪#‎LADodgers‬ may not have won the World Series, but they do have the new title – MLB’s biggest spenders, with a 2014 payroll of $257,283,41. ‪#‎Youdontalwaysgetwhatyoupayfor‬

 

 

From Bill Littlejohn : They couldn’t stop the Thursday night game between the 2-12 Jaguars and the 2-12 Titans from being shown on national TV?Where are those North Korean ‘The Interview’ hackers now that they’re really needed?’

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R.E.S.P.E.C.T

December 18, 2014

 

The times they are a changin’. The President of Cuba said Wednesday that “‘President Obama deserves respect and recognition”. Right now you’d never get that statement from a majority of the U.S. Congress.

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Neal suggests “Future MLB schedule: San Francisco at Havana, Havana at Los Angeles.”

 

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You can tell it’s getting close to Christmas. All the email ads saying “last day for free delivery” have been replaced by “last day for extended free priority delivery.”

To be followed soon no doubt by  “last day for free upgraded 2nd Day Fed Exp delivery.”

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Craig Ferguson is leaving the “Late Late Show.” Responded most Americans – “Who’s Craig Ferguson?”

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Chicago coach Mark Trestman says he is starting QB Jimmy Clausen over Jay Cutler because “We need a spark.” And Bears fans who watched the Monday Night Football game are thinking “Need a ‘spark’? More like a bonfire.”

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The Bears have benched Jay Cutler and there are rumors they are trying to trade him. And NYJets fans are thinking “NOOOOOOOOOOOO.”

 

 

TC on Jay Cutler  “Not to be outdone by Johnny Football’s brutal performance, the Bears’ Jay Cutler trumped Johnny with his horrendous showing on Monday night. The only bright spot was, “Teacher says every time Cutler throws a pick, an angel gets their wings!”

Cutler should try to become a multi-sport athlete. He could play for the Bulls, where no look passes are considered a skill.

 

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Multimillionaire Sant Singh Chatwal was sentenced Thursday to probation, a $500,000 fine and 1,000 hours of community service for making $180.000 in illegal campaign contributions to candidates, including Hillary Clinton. Prosecutors had wanted jail time, which makes some sense. With all the loopholes these days seems like jail is appropriate if for no other reason than still being stupid enough to break one of the few remaining rules.

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I know we just announced this year’s winner. But can the Nobel committee just announce now that 2015 nominations are closed and the prize will go to Pope Francis?

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Sen. Rand Paul on Cuba today “The 50-year embargo just hasn’t worked. If the goal is regime change, it sure doesn’t seem to be working and probably it punishes the people more than the regime because the regime can blame the embargo for hardship. … In the end , I think opening up Cuba is probably a good idea.”

If Paul doesn’t stop he’s going to be thrown out of the GOP primary for making too much sense.

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Surprise package.

December 13, 2014

Give this woman a medal: Thieves stealing packages off doorsteps is an increasing problem in the US. And a D.C. woman got fed up with things she had ordered for the holidays being swiped, so she filled a box with poop from her two dogs and left it on her porch. And yes, a surveillance camera shows a man taking it. Alas no camera shows him opening it.

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What a country. Our newest tourist attraction opening December 20? “Machine Gun America.” It will feature 50 different firearms and 10 fire lanes, Open to customers who are 13 and over. And yeah, you guessed it, Florida.

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Well, then, what’s the problem? Justice Antonin Scalia, when asked about the Citizens United decision: “the amount of money that is spent on all elections — state, local and federal — in the United States, is less than what women spend on cosmetics for a year, OK?” ‪#‎sohowdowegetSupremeCourttermlimit

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Hawaii is trying to lure the Obama Presidential Library with the offer of a location on the beach. Some Republicans are appalled, saying it would be just like President Obama to build his library in a foreign location

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#‎Lakers‬ upset ‪#‎Spurs‬. I think I see a new marketing campaign ahead for ‪#‎Charmin‬. ‪#‎KobeBryant‬

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Bears offensive coordinator Aaron Kromer apologized for being the source behind a negative story about Jay Cutler, but denied telling the NFL Network that Chicago had “buyer’s remorse” about the QB’s $126 million contract. Gosh, Kromer sounds so credible you have to wonder if he’s angling to someday be NFL commissioner.

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Junior Kentucky forward Alex Poythress tore an ACL in practice yesterday and will miss the rest of the season. Sad and a bit shocking, Kentucky had an actual junior on its team?

 

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Some media experts are conceding 2015 World Series title to ‪#‎Dodgers‬. Guess they figure LA will be defending their predicted 2014 title?

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Regarding those leaked emails between the Sony co-chairs, surely they are firing offenses. Not even for the racism. But for being stupid enough to say those sorts of things in written emails.

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Oklahoma State dismissed WR Tyreek Hill from the football team following his arrest for allegedly chocking and punching his pregnant girlfriend. Hill, a junior, ranked 2nd nationally with 996 combined kick return yards. and 11th with 150.9 all-purpose yards per game. So wonder how long before he is offered a second chance with FSU or an SEC team?

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I’m sure all the lower and middle-class voters who elected a GOP Congress this month will be heartened to see that one of the first ways they flexed their new muscles was a rider on a spending bill to lessen the regulatory burdens on our nation’s long suffering banks. ‪#‎sarcasm‬

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Seasoned greetings.

December 26, 2013

Conservative GOP Rep. Steve King of Iowa tweeted from Oslo that he was enjoying a Christmas meal that included reindeer. And Republicans claim that liberals are the ones with the War on Christmas?

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Three men were were killed and two others injured in a Christmas Eve shooting in a N.J. strip club. Have to wonder if the two injured men wished they were dead rather than having to explain to their wives what they were doing in a strip club on Christmas Eve.

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Got to be a major bummer for some of those people whose gifts didn’t arrive on time from UPS, especially when those gifts were intended for children. But maybe a couple lessons for future. 1. Shop early. Not like Christmas sneaked up on anyone as far as the date. 2. Shop local!

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Jon Kitna, 41, and now a math teacher, says he will donate the $53,000 he gets for Sunday’s game to his high school now that he has officially signed with the Cowboys after passing his physical. Pretty impressive. Many current and former NFL players couldn’t even pass math.

 

Delta Airlines said they will honor some ridiculously low fares they posted by mistake on their website, fares that were in the $50 range cross country. Off course anyone traveling on such a fare will have nominal charges of $300 per checked bag, $200 for a seat assignment or carry-on bag, $500 for any changes etc…..

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McDonald’s has taken down a “employee resourse” website which, amongst other things, noted that “while convenient and economical for a busy lifestyle, fast foods are typically high in calories, fat, saturated fat, sugar, and salt and may put people at risk for becoming overweight.” The question isn’t why McDs took the site down, but whose bright idea it was to put it up in the first place?

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Michigan State has suspended LB Max Bullough, a senior, and one of the Spartans’ top players on defense, for violating team rules, so he will miss the Rose Bowl. This would never have happened if Ohio State was going to Pasadena. Urban Meyer would have made his player’s suspension start January 2.

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Little Caesar’s Bowl today at Ford Field features Bowling Green vs Pittsburgh. Two of the only schools who would consider a trip to Detroit with an indoor stadium as an actual reward.

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San Diego Chargers rookie WR Keenan Allen, the team’s top receiver, said he was originally so frustrated that he thought about quitting football at the beginning of the season. As opposed to players on the Redskins and Lions, who quit during the season.

 

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All boxed up?

December 26, 2013

Today is Boxing Day in the United Kingdom. And wonder how many folks in the U.S. are thinking “Boxing? Is that because they don’t have guns for “‘Shooting Day?”

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And in California, home of the “10 cents for even a lousy paper bag” law,  people hear ” Boxing Day” and think “Are they charging for a cardboard box next?”

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The story from Dallas is that Tony Romo is in “no condition to practice.’. And Cowboys fans are thinking “that never stopped him from playing.”

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But If it is better to give than receive then this year the Detroit Lions are the best team in the NFL

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So while stores don’t open until December 26 in the morning, many retailers started online sales Christmas night.  So unlike Thanksgiving where folks could abandon their relatives to head to the mall, this December 25 they could simply ignore them with a tablet or smartphone.

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A UPS backlog means that many Americans didn’t get the Christmas gift deliveries they had been promised. .  And now the story is out that FedEx also had problems. Sort of gives you a new appreciation for reindeer.

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On Christmas Eve, Justin Bieber tweeted, “My beloved beliebers I’m officially retiring.” And millions of Americans went “Thank you Santa.”

 

Evelyn Lozada, who was on “Basketball Wives” as the fiancee of Antoine Walker, and who was married to Ochocinco for 2 months, has now announced she is engaged to Carl Crawford, who is the father of her unborn baby. Clearly this is all the fault of society disintegrating because of gay marriage.

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Dear Gawd. Edward “Enough about me, let’s talk about me” Snowden, appeared in a new videotaped interview bemoaning that “a child born today will never have a private moment.” Uh, maybe unless that child does something now revolutionary like paying cash, or simply  living a moment off line and away from camera phones?

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Pope Francis today, asking everyone, including people of other religions and “even non-believers” to desire peace. Although looking at much of the strife in the world today with various religious factions, the “non-believers’ are not the problem.

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Not a creature was stirring

December 25, 2013

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Well, actually it would be a good time for a stirring mouse.

 

T’is the season.  (Cats in the picture are Ashton, aka sh*t for brains – and Xena – aka warrior princess – aka voodoo cat.)

 

Now back to snark.

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“He knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you’re awake….” So will Edward Snowden’s next attempt for asylum be an offer to some country to divulge the secrets of Santa?

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T’is the season for creative Darwin awards. This was another near miss. At the Denver Zoo during the Holiday Lights event, an allegedly drunk woman was rescued from the elephant enclosure after she somehow wandered in and was zapped by an electric fence. The lions are no doubt disappointed she didn’t wander into THEIR enclosure.

 

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Apparently Tony Romo received an epidural after Sunday’s game. Not sure if this will have the Cowboys QB ready to play next week, but maybe it will give him a waiver next year to use some of Manny Ramirez’s female fertility drugs?

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Eliot Spitzer and his wife Silda today announced they are ending their 16 year marriage. Based on their business backgrounds and relationship for the past few years this final dissolution must have been decided on based on something deep and important, like 2013 tax returns.

 

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From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg:  For all those who remember the great Johnny Carson.  And even for those who don’t:

 

” Carnac the Magnifigant, envelope to head: “Ho, ho, ho.”  (Rips envelope and pulls out question: “How do you say hello to the Kardashian sisters.”)

 

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Aaron Rodgers is still uncertain if he can play in Green Bay’s game Sunday against the Bears. Maybe this is God’s karmic payback for that “Discount Double Check” commercial?

 

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Mike D’Antoni says if Lakers fans ” are discouraged, then, you know, find another team to root for. ” But gosh, where would fans in the Los Angeles area go to find another decent NBA team?”

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Wonder how many people who are screaming about not having enough advance warning to sign up for Obamacare were also rushing around desperately Tuesday trying to finish their Christmas shopping.

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Dallas owner and GM Jerry Jones said that Jason Garrett’s is NOT coaching for his job Sunday and that Garrett’s future is ‘bright with the Cowboys.” If true, maybe only because Jones won’t admit he made a mistake hiring the coach in the first place. (And this might be first time this year “bright” and “Cowboys” get used in the same sentence.)

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During the SF 49ers’ last night at Candlestick Park there were 81 ejections and 30 arrests. Sounds like an average Giants-Dodgers game at the ‘Stick.

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Early Christmas blessings.

December 22, 2013

Thinking the BCS should be sending San Jose State’s team a major Christmas present. Had the Spartans not beaten Fresno State, the Bulldogs instead of being humiliated in Las Vegas by USC, would have been blown out in a major BCS bowl.

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So in “Miracle on 34th Street”, much is made over the question of whether a beloved but allegedly fictional character is real. Sort of like if they made a move about a Chicago Cub wearing a World Series ring.

 

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Washington State did such an incredible job of snatching defeat out of the jaws of victory. Are we sure Tony Romo isn’t somehow involved?

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Who’d have expected this a handful of years ago? That USC beating Stanford in football would have been an upset? And that the Trojans’ reward for that win would have been a berth in today’s Royal Purple Las Vegas Bowl?

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Meanwhile USC fans chanted “over-rated” at Fresno State as the Trojans demolished the Bulldogs. And really, the only chance Fresno State probably would have had in the game is if Lane Kiffin were still coaching at USC.

 

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Some people seem to have a problem with the idea that “freedom of religion” doesn’t mean just “freedom to follow MY religion.” And the same folks also don’t seem to get that “free speech” doesn’t just mean “freedom to say something I agree with.”

 

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That infamous PR executive who tweeted “Going to Africa. Hope I don’t get AIDS. Just kidding. I’m white!” has been fired. Guessing unless she changes her name, she won’t have to explain to any other potential future employer “So why did you leave your last position?”

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Lindsey Vonn, who thought she injured her right knee today in a fall during the World Cup Downhill, says she didn’t do any new damage and she still plans to compete in the Sochi Olympics. Who does Lindsey think she is? RGIII?

 

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Guess Scott Boras miscalculated. Shin Soo Choo ended up signing with the Texas Rangers for 7 years, and only $130 million, after he reportedly earlier turned down 7 years and $140 million with the Yankees. Poor Choo, how will he feed his family?

 

Uh oh, now what do some in the GOP do? In a People magazine interview, when the President was asked “Who would you rather spend the day with: Kim and Kanye or the Duck Dynasty Family?’ Obama said the Duck Dynasty family, that “they seem like a pretty fun bunch” and he has watched the show on Air Force One.

 

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Target’s commercials – “Expect more, pay less.”  Well, they may have the “pay less” down. But 40 million people expected more security.

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It’s the most munchie-fun time of the year?

December 16, 2013

Pennsylvania police arrested a Florida man after a traffic stop after they found 20 pounds of marijuana in boxes wrapped as Christmas presents. Well, who’s to say the boxes weren’t Christmas presents?

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Fox NFL announcers before 49ers-Buccaneers game Sunday in a gray Tampa. “There’s no sunshine in the Sunshine State. Temperatures are 70 degrees and falling.” And no doubt East Coast viewers are all thinking “just STFU.”

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In-N-Out Burgers has indicated they do not want to expand to the East Coast. This is bad news for both East Coast residents and any of their under-employed cardiologists.

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Former MLB player Ryan Freel, who reportedly had 9-10 concussions while he played, and who committed suicide last year, reportedly suffered from CTE. No doubt Bud Selig will address this with all the dedication he showed on the steroid issue.

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Joan Fontaine, 96, died today. Perhaps she went to Manderley again?

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The Dallas Cowboys blew a 23 point lead today. To paraphrase a Horace Walpole quote – “A tragedy to those in North Texas, a comedy to those who live everywhere else.”

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Monte Kiffin is making his son Lane look good.

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As TC says “Good news Cowboy fans, “Everytime Romo throws a pick, an angel gets their wings”.

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Apparently the Saints decided to take a bye week. Or at least a bye three quarters. #gladitsnottheplayoffs

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The Miami Dolphins upset the New England Patriots 24-20. So the question of the day “WWGB?” Who will Gisele blame?

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Not the Onion. Larry Pratt, president of Gun Owners of America, said the problem in America is overly restrictive. “Every one of our mass murders in our country has occurred in places where guns were prohibited. The legislation that is on the books is lethal. It is killing people. All of these gun free zones are murder magnets. We’ve simply got to get rid of them.” Hey, guns on airplanes, in schools, in theaters, what could possibly go wrong….?

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John Kerry said Kim Jong Un is “reckless” and “insecure.” What was his first clue?

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Journey guitarist Neal Schon and former “Real Housewives of D.C.” star Michaele Holt Salahi wed in a Pay-Per-View ceremony in San Francisco Sunday. Proving it was possible to show something less relevant than the Redskins-Falcons game.

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Redskins coach Mike Shanahan isn’t planning to resign and according to ESPN sources “actually would like to return to Washington next season as long as he can run the organization the way he wants.” I think we have a better chance for world peace.

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Apparently all four GOP candidates for lieutenant governor in Texas think that public schools should teach creationism. Not sure about creationism but these folks are not doing much for the theory of “intelligent design.”

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So much fuss over a picture. But for different reasons we can I think be thankful that “selfies” weren’t a phenomenon when either W. or Bill Clinton was President.

(and btw, since some friends have asked, the explanation from the photographer of the Obama and friends picture…. http://thelede.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/12/11/selfie-of-obama-was-misinterpreted-photographer-says/?_r=0)

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Mission accomplished.

December 27, 2012

Another year, another superhuman effort by Santa Claus to deliver millions of toys overnight without a break. Wonder how long until he and the reindeer get investigated for Adderall?

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Netflix’s video streaming service crashed Christmas Even.. Oh, the horror!. Thousands and thousands of Americans were actually forced to talk to their relatives.

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Ben Affleck has announced that he won’t seek John Kerry’s Senate seat. Bipartisan bummer for women. If Affleck ran against Scott Brown it might the best looking Senate race in history.

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Syracuse suspended two players from their upcoming New Era Pinstripe Bowl game. Shocking! Syracuse is playing in a bowl game?

 

Mark Zuckerberg’s sister Randi  was upset when a casual family photo she posted on Facebook ended up reposted on Twitter,  saying the person who did it she was “way uncool,” and saying to “always ask permission before posting a friend’s photo publicly. It’s not about privacy settings, it’s about human decency.”  “Gosh, those FB settings are confusing, and I’m really sorry that happened to your family” said absolutely nobody.

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A picture of President Obama hugging Michelle on election night has become the most re-tweeted photo ever. A surprised Bill Clinton asked “You can hug your own wife?”

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A 30 foot whale was found Wednesday morning on a New York beach. It would of course be inappropriate to make a Chris Christie joke here.

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Alas for Pacers fans, bad weather forced the cancellation of tonight’s game in Indianapolis. Alas for Wizards fans the weather in Washington was fine.

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Anyone but me thinking it was a lot easier and more fun to root against the Los Angeles Lakers before Steve Nash came back?

 

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Wednesday was the first day of the after-Christmas sales. You know what that means – only about a week until the first Valentine’s Day sales.

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Okay, who’d a thunk this? A hot NBA upcoming ticket is the Warriors vs. Clippers.

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Starbucks employees will be writing “come together” on customers’ cups Dec 27-28 as a message for Congress to avoid the fiscal cliff.. Leaving aside the fact that more colorful language might be more appropriate, maybe we should just threaten to cut off their coffee until they come up with a deal.

 

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Merry, merry….

December 25, 2012

Wishing everyone a happy and safe Christmas Eve. And beware of low-flying, or should i say, high-flying, reindeer in Colorado and Washington.

 

Have to wonder in  Colorado and Washington,  how many families will wait up to find presents under the tree,  the cookies and milk still on the table, but all their Doritos missing.

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NORAD is in the midst of their traditional Santa tracking. But wonder what happens this year when Instagram tries to sell all the pictures.

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So if Santa didn’t show up with the right toys last night, can parents explain it to their children by telling them that unfortunately Rudolph was guiding his sleigh with Apple maps?

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Some think it’s unfair for the NBA to schedule games on Christmas Day. But on a brighter note it does save the players from the tough decision of spending the day with which mother of their children.

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Just noticed, no joke, that there’s a Justin Bieber perfume. “That’s exactly what I want for Christmas,” said no one over the age of 12.

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A customer who was tired of waiting for his check at a Texas Denny’s set their Christmas tree on fire. Caused a lot of damage, but the roasted tree probably ended up tasting better than most of their menu items.

 

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Some of the conservative media are headlining the fact that Obama landed in Hawaii last night and went out to play golf this morning. Of course, had the President stayed in D.C. to work on the “fiscal cliff” the same folks would accuse him of making Republicans in Congress give up their Christmas for his political gain.

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A cashier accidentally sold a New Hampshire man the wrong lottery ticket, and it turned out to be the one that won a $2.1 million Tri-State Megabucks Plus prize. Wonder how long it will take for some other lottery player to sue?

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Heaven is a messier place tonight. R.I.P Jack Klugman.

 

 

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Never on Sunday?

December 24, 2012

At this point, what’s the difference between the NY Jets and the Giants postseason hopes? About another week.

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Ah,  the NFL and television.   Sunday morning CBS and the league gave football fans on the West Coast the Oakland Raiders vs. the Carolina Panthers.    Wasn’t there a more meaningful game on, like the Poulan Weed-Eater bowl or something?

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Idaho GOP Sen. Michael Crapo, a Mormon, was arrested yesterday morning in Alexandria, VA., reportedly with a .11 blood alcohol level. I blame Obama.

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Amongst the heaviest drinkers you may see this Christmas season are those who figured it was it sure bet that Eli Manning would have a better year than his over-the-hill big brother….

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Richard Sherman’s appeal of his positive test for Adderall claims it was a contaminated sample because of a leaky cup, and a 2nd cup with a broken seal placed underneath it. You’d think a Stanford grad would have just come up with a way to get a legal prescription for the stuff.  (And note to readers,  this is not sour grapes, my personal bias is to  root for the Saints, not the 49ers.)

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Tagg Romney told the Boston Globe that his father “wanted to be president less than anyone I’ve met in my life.” Makes sense, Mitt certainly campaigned like it.

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Newsweek issues its last print issue on Monday. Which is shocking to most Americans, who didn’t realize Newsweek was still in business.

 

Weird trivia for the 49ers-Seahawks game. Can anyone remember any other NFL football game started by opposing quarterbacks who were both drafted…for baseball? (True, and to quote Bull Durham’s Annie Savoy, “you could look it up.”)

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The Pope, in his latest Christmas message, spoke against gay marriage and said that gay adoption meant “The child has become an object to which people have a right and which they have a right to obtain.” So does he mean the only non-married people with that right are priests?

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So the NRA’s idea is that trained guards with guns will prevent shootings at school campuses.    Leaving aside the fact that Columbine High School and Virginia Tech campuses DID have armed guards, wonder if the NRA asked the opinion of the parents of kids in 1970 at Kent State.  (Not as horrific or as long a list as Sandy Hook  – but ….Jeffrey Miller, 20, Allison Krause, 19,  William Schroeder, 19.  Sandra Scheuer, 20.)

 

Augie wonders in this gun control debate,  if  we do this armed guard thing, in right-to-work states, do they get the right to shoot without joining the teacher’s  union?

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Christmas gifts and other thoughts…

December 25, 2009

After the Tiger Woods story, wonder how long it will take someone to come up with a phone that allows you to text with the electronic equivalent of invisible ink?

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For parents whose kids get Zhu Zhu pet hamsters that end up breaking before New Years, here’s one positive thought. At least you won’t have to bury them in the back yard. Maybe.

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A little pre-flight tension for Santa Claus this year. TSA demanded first and last legal names for all his reindeer. And as for anyone who asked for perfume, bubble bath or anything like a snow globe, you may be out of luck. Nobody warned Santa about that carryon liquid ban.

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USAToday.com lists the most popular stories of the day. Number one for December 24 – “Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins split”. Number four, “Senate passes healthcare bill.”

Does this really need a punchline?

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The Pope was apparently knocked down by a woman who jumped the barrier at St Peter’s during the start of Midnight Mass. His Holiness was unhurt. And all I can think of is the old joke about the Italian woman who listened to a Papal speech about chastity and birth control… and approached him afterwards with the comment “Hey, no play-a the game, no make-a the rules.”

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Sad news from Washington that legendary George Michael has passed away on Christmas Eve. At least he won’t have to watch any more of the Redskins’ season.

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So rollcall for the healthcare bill at 700a Thursday morning, necessitating pre-dawn wakeup calls for all Senators. It was the first time that many of them had been up at such an early hour… unless they were sneaking home.

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A book was returned to a Massachusetts library almost 99 years overdue. The book was titled
“Facts I Ought to Know about the Government of My Country” and it was supposed to have been returned by May 10, 1910.
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Well, it’s good to see that even then the young Larry King was doing his pre-interview homework.

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Philadelphia Eagles players honored Michael Vick by voting him the recipient of the team “Courage” award, for what he’s been through. Does that mean that someday PGA players could vote Tiger Woods “Husband of the Year?”

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Twisted holiday thoughts…

December 24, 2009

Republican senators were going to delay the healthcare vote into Christmas Eve or even Christmas day. But apparently they were getting a lot of pressure from their wives and girlfriends to come home. Sometimes from both of them.

And Alex Kaseberg reminds me to add. Don’t forget the pressure a few of the men are also getting from their boyfriends.

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Brett Favre has resolved his dispute with Vikings’ coach Brad Childress. In fact Favre allegedly said he originally thought Childress was all wet but thinks now the coach is the cat’s pyjamas

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Bad news for children of tightwad environmentalists. Apparently their parents are considering telling them that Santa has to stay home because he is worried about his carbon footprint.

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Actually Santa’s pretty amazing. Who else could be in and out of so many homes around the world in such a short time? Besides Tiger Woods that is.

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The parents of the the balloon boy were both sentenced to jail for devising the hoax that they hoped would get them a reality show. Well, they may not have gotten their show, but they got the real life version of “I’m a celebrity, get me out of here.”
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Now that Mark Sanford is getting divorced, many wonder if he will end up with his “soulmate” in Argentina. If he does, one question, what does he tell her if he really does want to go hiking?

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Many advertisers are taking Tiger Woods’ name out of their advertisements because the association is just becoming too embarrassing. In related news, New Jersey is thinking of removing their name from the Nets.

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Disappointing news for romantics from Hollywood. Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins are splitting up. While they haven’t given a reason, I must admit part of me hopes she found a younger man.

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Jokes on trains, planes, but no automobiles…

December 23, 2009

For the second time in less than a week, Blackberry users suffered major outages with email messages on their phones. The outages lasted several hours Tuesday night/Wednesday morning and were apparently caused by high holiday communication volumes.. Wonder how many outgoing messages were “Dear Santa, bring me an IPhone?”

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American Airlines passengers apparently escaped serious injury Tuesday night when their plane way overshot a runway in Kingston, Jamaica and crashed into a fence. American has offered, however, both to cover medical bills and to credit passengers’ accounts with the extra frequent flier mile.
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Apparently Kate Hudson and Alex Rodriguez have ended their relationship. Apparently A-Rod felt that Kate cared too much about appearances and camera time. And she was beginning to think she was as pretty as him.

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Isn’t Alex Rodriguez saying someone is obsessive about their image like Sarah Palin issuing a press release complaining that the media won’t leave her alone?

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New Fighting Irish football coach Brian Kelly says the Notre Dame program has “some things that need to get fixed,” but that it is “not broken.” I think to paraphrase an ex-president “It depends on the what the definition of broken is…”

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Penn State coach Joe Paterno celebrated his 83rd birthday yesterday. While preparing for his team’s appearance in the Capital One Bowl Jan 1, He took time out to wish good luck in the Gator Bowl to his young friend Bobby Bowden.

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Eurostar cancelled all Chunnel train service last weekend, stranding thousands of holiday travelers. They are starting a reduced schedule Tuesday to and from London with limited service through December 28. Hard to believe but they have accomplished the impossible – making Amtrak look good.

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“Snuggies”, the blankets with arms, are flying off the shelves at most retailers. It’s an all-purpose gift; if a man gets one as a romantic gift for his wife instead of jewelry, he can use it himself when he sleeps on the couch.

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When things are annoying you it’s important to keep perspective. Just think of all those people after the 2008 U.S. Open playoff with Rocco Mediate who were complaining about too much Tiger Woods coverage.

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And this was forwarded me by a friend.

Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality,pour one level cup and drink. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again.. At this point it’s best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the frigging fruit off the floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don’t forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.

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