Posted tagged ‘NRA jokes’

A VERY few good men.

July 10, 2016

Caitlyn Jenner is going to Cleveland for the convention: “I want to support courageous Republicans who advocate for LGBT freedom.” Well, this should be a quick trip.

 

Yeah, all ‪#‎SFGiants‬ fans figured going into the All-Star game they’d be getting big game winning hits from Green, Williamson and Tejada

Javier Lopez fell out of the dugout today on his way to warm up. The SF Giants lefty was unhurt and retired the only batter he faced. Had it been Affeldt last year, Jeremy would have landed on the DL for three weeks.

Golf has been absent from the Olympics for 112 years. Today, Dustin Johnson became the latest top golfer say he won’t play due to Zika worries. So would it hurt that much to make the absence 116 years? ‪#‎Tokyo2020‬

#‎NottheOnion‬ Tubby Reddy, CEO of the South African Sports Confederation and Olympic Committee says of the 2020 Tokyo Games, if Oscar Pistorus “is out on parole, as it seems he will be before then, and qualifies for selection, then I don’t see how there can be a problem.”
An actual killer returning to sports? Isn’t that the NFL’s province?

The NRA finally came out with a statement about the Dallas killings, expressing “deep anguish” and offering “deepest condolences” etc, but saying nothing about guns
What, no railing about gun-free zones? Or the usual ‪#‎ifonlytheywerearmed‬? Oh, wait….never mind.

Okay, anyone else feel ‪#‎UFC200‬ is the sports equivalent of ‪#‎GameofThrones‬ – one of those “important” things I care and know nothing about.

In Aragon, a bullfighter has been gored to death during a tournament, which is supposedly the first fatality for the sport since 1987. Well, except for the bulls.

6 more women are accusing ‪#‎RogerAiles‬ of sexual harassment. So it’s going to be another of those He said, she she she she said situations.

So are they going to retitle the show ‪#‎FoxandFriendswithBenefits‬?

Fox News anchor Greta Van Susteren is defending Roger Ailes, saying she’s even been alone with him and “nothing happened.” So maybe Greta’s just not his type?

Mike Huckabee, criticizing President Obama “I think this is a time when real leaders bring people together, he doesn’t split them apart. He doesn’t need to inject the divisive arguments like gun control at a time of great grief for the nation. And he ought to do for us what Ronald Reagan did after the Challenger disaster.”

Because a sniper ambushing police is the same kind of tragedy as the shuttle blowing up. And I guess Huckabee forgot Reagan was for banning assault weapons. ‪#‎SMH‬

 

s there really a reason to keep showing the picture of the Dallas police killer? ‪#‎enoughalready‬ ‪#‎justshowpicturesofthemenhekilled‬.

Now much is being made of how the Dallas police killer sexually harassed at least one woman while he was in the military. Hmm. sexual harassment allegations as way to make it harder for men from getting guns….I could handle that. Not sure the NRA would agree.

Class, nothing but class.

May 6, 2013

Chris Christie squished a spider in front of a group of 4th graders, saying “That’s one of the fun parts of being governor. Any bugs on your desk, you’re allowed to kill them and not get in trouble.” Except that the NJ Gov. is taking heat from PETA about it. Wonder how much bipartisan support Christie would get for squishing someone from PETA?

Class, nothing but class. Reality TV star (if that’s not an oxymoron) Farrah Abraham tweeted that she was “not watching” her”Backdoor Teen Mom” sex tape. Wonder how long it will take before Abraham’s now three-year old daughter sees it….

Lead Pastor David Loveless has resigned from the 4,000 member Discovery Church in Orlando, after admitting he had an affair. The Orlando Sentinel says he is the third pastor of a major area church to resign because of extra-marital sex in the last six months. Your move, Arizona.

(And as my friend Todd Harris adds, “Let me guess, they all think same sex marriage threatens the institution.”)

Pfizer will start selling #Viagra online. So where’s the GOP conservative outrage over unmarried men possibly getting the little blue pills?  (And minor girls getting them for their older “friends”?)

NRA V.P. Wayne LaPierre just said “How many Bostonians wished they had a gun two weeks ago?” And how many Bostonians who just had the misfortune to have been photographed carrying backpacks would have been shot?

Fired Brooklyn Nets P.J. Carlesimo says it would have taken the team winning a championship to keep his job. “Get in line” responded every fired Cubs manager over the last century..

You cannot make this “stuff” up: The Air Force’s chief sexual assault prevention officer was arrested over the weekend in Virginia for drunkenly groping a woman.

A-Rod started his rehabilitation stint and says he hopes to be back in pinstripes after the All-Star break. And Yankees fans are thinking, “No worries, take all the years you need.”

Celeste Grieg, who said in March that rapes rarely result in pregnancy, because the woman’s “body is traumatized”, was ousted, 84 to 78, as the leader of the Californian Republican Assembly. Not sure if this is a good sign that even a very conservative group has some limits, or a bad sign that 78 of them still support her.

Helen Mirren, playing Elizabeth II in “The Audience” in London, left the theater in her Queen costume and makeup during intermission to yell at a group of street drummers. The troup was playing so loudly it was distracting theater goers inside.

Maybe we can get Dame Helen to come over and try this Queen act on theater cellphone users?

Singer Lauryn Hill was sentenced today to 3 months in prison and 3 more months in home confinement for failing to pay taxes. Not that she’s getting off so easy for the second half of her sentence, Hill will be confined at home in New Jersey.

DE Armonty Bryant, arrested last October for selling $20 worth of marijuana to an undercover officer. thanked the Cleveland Browns for drafting him last week and said he would not let them down. Last night Bryant was arrested for DUI. Maybe that vow should have been a little more specific.

Giant drama.

May 5, 2013

Another walk off win for the SF Giants. 10-9 in ten. Salvaging a night where a possible “MLB The Show” curse caught up with Buster Posey – he hit into a bottom of the ninth inning-ending double play.

Rough week to be a sports fan in Los Angeles. The Dodgers’ Hanley Ramirez, back on the DL, was on the active roster for less time than the Lakers and Clippers lasted in the playoffs.

CB Cliff Harris was cut by the NY Jets after he was arrested for marijuana possession. This is the same Harris who was pulled over for driving 118 MPH in 2011 while playing for Oregon, asked “Who’s got the marijuana in the car?” a-nd responded “we smoked it all.” So does 2 + years now count as short-term memory loss?

Kentucky Derby winning purse – $1,439,800. And the winner himself just gets chicken feed, or rather, horse feed.

(Augie does point out that the winner is probably at least happy with the stud opportunities.)

Previously unbeaten Kentucky Derby favorite Verrazano, whose owner is from New Jersey,  ended up 14th in the race.   If he doesn’t perform better next race, he’s been threatened with retirement to Jersey.

At an NRA convention, Sarah Palin spoke of Maggie Thatcher as “her hero.” Even though Thatcher refused to meet with Palin, and as Prime Minister supported gun control — overseeing a bill passed in 1988 outlawing semi-automatic guns. If Baroness Thatcher wasn’t dead, this might have killed her.

A 35-year-old Arizona grandmother is being held and charged in the death of her 3-year-old grandson, who allegedly shot himself in the face with her handgun. Which she had left in her backpack with her meth pipe. Your move, Florida.

“The Great Gatsby” remake is opening, with Leonardo DiCaprio and Carey Mulligan reprising the roles played in 1974 by Robert Redford and Mia Farrow. Wonder how many people will think, “Great story, will there be a novelized version?”

A bat that Mickey Mantle used in 1964 will be up for auction. And as confirmed by x-ray, the bat is corked. Once again, can we just put an asterisk on the banner outside the Hall of Fame and be done with it?

New NRA president Jim Porter has called Barack Obama a “fake president,” referred to the Civil War as “the War of Northern Aggression,” and said that we should train all civilians to use standard military firearms to fight tyranny. Thus perhaps trying to prove the NRA’s stance that the US has a mental health problem not a gun problem.

TC says  “a  small group of protesters want the NFL to change the name of the Washington Redskins. The league is considering “The District of Columbia Redskins” to appease descendants of the first President.”

 

Finally a serious note.  43 years ago.  May 4, 1970.  Kent State   The students who were killed would be grandparents by now:  http://www.cleveland.com/metro/index.ssf/2013/05/kent_slayings.html

 

Bear arms,… arm bears….. It’s so confusing.

April 10, 2013

A circus elephant escaped serious injury when she was hit by a bullet in a drive-by shooting in Tupelo, Miss. Waiting for the NRA to issue a statement saying that we now need to arm elephants.

Stephen Colbert apparently has convinced Bill Clinton to open a Twitter account. But once again, I think we can all be happy that the former president never had the ability to text or send camera phone pictures while in office.

Many Colorado Rockies fans were complaining because the team doesn’t have their home opener until April 15. Today’s high temperature in Denver? 18 degrees. I think this is Mother Nature’s way of saying “STFU.”

 

Scripps National Spelling Bee just announced that semi-finalists will now also have to know the meaning of the words they spell in the competition. Great. Yet another way for 11 year olds to make us feel stupid.

At least 15 people were injured in an attack at a Texas college near Houston. So far injuries only. But then there is no such thing as a semi-automatic knife.

Tom Cruise now says that he “did not expect” Katie Holmes’ abrupt filing for divorce last year. What? Tom must have thought it was a 10 year contract instead of five.

 

As the NBA draft declarations begin have to wonder why colleges raise NCAA tournament banners any more. Not like any of the players on the teams are ever there the following year to see them.

 

Former V.P. Dick Cheney spoke to Republican lawmakers Tuesday about North Korea, and reportedly told them “We’re in deep doo-doo.” “Deep doo-doo?!” And this is the man who was supposed to be W’s adult supervision?

 

Golden State Warriors heading to the playoffs for the 2nd time in the last 19 years. Or as Chicago Cubs fans call that – “practically a dynasty.”

How scary a stat is this?  (From Gregg Drinnan of the Kamloops Daily News in British Columbia “Lakers center Dwight Howard has missed more free throws this season than Steve Nash has missed in his 17-year career.,”

And if anyone’s reading this in Orlando they’re just giggling….

Tigers DH Victor Martinez missed today’s game when he needed stitches after cutting his thumb on the bat rack at Comerica Park. In San Francisco, Bruce Bochy issued an order to keep Jeremy Affeldt away from the bat rack.

(Giants fans can just imagine Affeldt running his hand along the rack….”So how could you possibly cut yourself on one of these… Oh sh*t.”..)

 

Brotherly and other love.

April 2, 2013

There is a Comedy God: Former South Carolina Gov, Mark Sanford, aka Mr. Appalachian Trail, has won the GOP nomination for a vacant House seat against Elizabeth Colbert Busch, Stephen Colbert’s sister.

The town of Nelson, Georgia, has passed a law requiring its citizens to own a gun and ammunition, although they have reportedly not had any violent crime in the last 10 years. Well, I guess it’s never too late to start.

 

Say what? Justin Amash, a self-described “libertarian-leaning” Michigan congressman says abortion and “abortion-causing” birth control are okay, but should only be allowed “closer to the point of conception, whether it’s instantly or the first three days.” This is what comes from allowing men to hold elective office.

The New York Yankees are starting the year with $230.4 million payroll. Wow, and at least $50 million of that is going to active players.

 

A recently released NRA funded report on school safety suggests arming teachers. Well, this ought to be fun during contract negotiations.

Pac-12 commissioner Larry Scott says that Ed Rush, the league’s of officials should NOT be fired for offering a group of referees $5,000 or a trip to Cancun if they hit Arizona coach Sean Miller with a technical foul or ejected him during the Pac 12 tournament. Scott says Rush was “joking.” Gosh. This guy must be a lot of fun in airport security lines.

Good for GOP senator Mark Quinn of Illinois. But someday it will be nice when a politician’s support for gay marriage doesn’t even make the news.

Kevin Ware has been released from the hospital and will join his Louisville Cardinal teammates in going to Atlanta. Let us hope the TSA agent running the metal detector knows who he is.

The Cleveland Browns have traded Colt McCoy to the SF 49ers. McCoy is still likely to be holding a clipboard, but now at least he can do it during playoff games.

As North Korea’s rhetoric escalates, maybe the U.S. needs to send someone Kim Jong Un respects who is also capable of reading him the riot act. Forget Dennis Rodman, where’s Charles Barkley when we need him?

(My friend Marty B. suggests – send  Tim Tebow he can overthrow the Government.)

In New York, the FBI arrested Dem. State Senator Malcolm Smith and GOP City Councilman Dan Halloran for allegedly trying to use bribes to rig the New York City mayoral election. Who says there’s no bipartisanism in this country?

Mark this moment, April 2, 2013. As of 11:30pm the 2 and 0 Seattle Mariners have the best record in baseball.

But okay, really, we’ve waited over five months for opening day,  and more than half the MLB teams don’t play on the second full day of the regular  season?

This week, Dion can’t go on….

February 19, 2013

 

Celine Dion has had to cancel this week’s concerts at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas theatre because she is suffering from sinusitis. “What an awful shame,” said thousands of women with tickets. “Dodged that bullet” said their husbands and boyfriends.

Roger Clemens, who Mindy McCready said she had a 10 year relationship with, starting when she was 15,   issued this statement today about her death by suicide: ”   Yes, that is sad news. I had heard that she was trying to get peace and direction in her life.    The few times that I had met her and her manager/agent they were extremely nice.”   Once a douchebag, always a douchebag.

 

Police in a small New York town arrested a mother who hired two strippers for her son’s 16th birthday party. And here I remember the days when hiring a pony was considered over-the-top.

 

Alec Baldwin making news for a confrontation with a photographer….. This is turning into a real-life version of “Groundhog Day.”

FIFA said today they will use goal-line technology at the 2014 World Cup. Now if they can just get experienced actors or drama teachers to judge flops.

 

Really?! Thanks to a $6 million donation, Florida Atlantic University has announced their brand-new stadium will be dubbed “GEO Group Stadium.” GEO is the U.S.’s second largest operator of for-profit PRISONS. Wouldn’t it have been more appropriate for them to partner with the Cincinnati Bengals?

Rumor is that the NCAA soon plans to accuse the University of Miami of a “lack of institutional control.” Yes, this is the SAME investigation where the NCAA fired their own V.P. of enforcement over “shocking” missteps. Pot, kettle. Kettle, pot.

Got to wonder about that New Orleans voodoo.   Tonight was the FIRST day since the 49ers lost in the Super Bowl that a San Francisco Bay Area team won a game.   (It was the San Jose Sharks. The Golden State Warriors are still winless.)

 

 

We have criminal trials for a reason, so no need to rush to judgment but at this point O.J. Simpson is thinking Oscar Pistorius’s story sounds a bit farfetched.

 

Wonder how long it will take the NRA to say that if Oscar Pictorius only had another gun in his bathroom his girlfriend might be alive today…..

And for that matter,  at least four people are dead in a Orange County, California shooting spree that started at a home and ended up on the freeways. Waiting for NRA statement saying we should start driving with hands-free guns.

Never on Sunday?

December 24, 2012

At this point, what’s the difference between the NY Jets and the Giants postseason hopes? About another week.

Ah,  the NFL and television.   Sunday morning CBS and the league gave football fans on the West Coast the Oakland Raiders vs. the Carolina Panthers.    Wasn’t there a more meaningful game on, like the Poulan Weed-Eater bowl or something?

Idaho GOP Sen. Michael Crapo, a Mormon, was arrested yesterday morning in Alexandria, VA., reportedly with a .11 blood alcohol level. I blame Obama.

Amongst the heaviest drinkers you may see this Christmas season are those who figured it was it sure bet that Eli Manning would have a better year than his over-the-hill big brother….

Richard Sherman’s appeal of his positive test for Adderall claims it was a contaminated sample because of a leaky cup, and a 2nd cup with a broken seal placed underneath it. You’d think a Stanford grad would have just come up with a way to get a legal prescription for the stuff.  (And note to readers,  this is not sour grapes, my personal bias is to  root for the Saints, not the 49ers.)

Tagg Romney told the Boston Globe that his father “wanted to be president less than anyone I’ve met in my life.” Makes sense, Mitt certainly campaigned like it.

Newsweek issues its last print issue on Monday. Which is shocking to most Americans, who didn’t realize Newsweek was still in business.

 

Weird trivia for the 49ers-Seahawks game. Can anyone remember any other NFL football game started by opposing quarterbacks who were both drafted…for baseball? (True, and to quote Bull Durham’s Annie Savoy, “you could look it up.”)

The Pope, in his latest Christmas message, spoke against gay marriage and said that gay adoption meant “The child has become an object to which people have a right and which they have a right to obtain.” So does he mean the only non-married people with that right are priests?

So the NRA’s idea is that trained guards with guns will prevent shootings at school campuses.    Leaving aside the fact that Columbine High School and Virginia Tech campuses DID have armed guards, wonder if the NRA asked the opinion of the parents of kids in 1970 at Kent State.  (Not as horrific or as long a list as Sandy Hook  – but ….Jeffrey Miller, 20, Allison Krause, 19,  William Schroeder, 19.  Sandra Scheuer, 20.)

 

Augie wonders in this gun control debate,  if  we do this armed guard thing, in right-to-work states, do they get the right to shoot without joining the teacher’s  union?

Flori-duh and beyond.

December 23, 2012

GOP Florida governor Rick Scott sent President Obama a letter requesting that he invoke federal law to order a cooling-off period to prevent a longshoremen’s strike. Of course if Barack complies wonder how long it will take Scott to rail again against overreaching federal government authority.

Tim Tebow is reportedly going to the Jacksonsville Jaguars in 2013. Could be a good fit. Tebow always did a great job when surrounded by top college-level talent.

Rubert Murdoch’s New York Post called NRA leader Wayne LaPierre a “gun nut” and “NRA loon” on its Saturday cover. For the uninitiated, this is about as likely as Fox News saying something nice about President Obama.

Would the NRA next like to suggest the public places they DON’T believe should have armed guards? It might be a shorter list.

A recent study showed people did significantly better on tough math problems when they were in the company of their pets. So maybe animals are soothing. Although in the case of cats, perhaps their presence just reminded their owners to relax and not give a sh*t.

“Bob’s,” a Brazilian fast-food chain, has introduced edible wrapping for its burgers. McDonald’s is thinking of following suit, although a sticking point might be that wrapping would probably have more nutritional value than their hamburgers.

President Obama is in Hawaii for a few days at Christmas. Waiting for the first detractor to condemn him for taking a foreign vacation…

A judge said the NFL, NBA, NHL, MLB and the NCAA can move forward with their attempts to stop New Jersey’s plans to allow sports gambling. Can’t wait to see Chris Christie weigh in on this one….

 

The “R + L Carriers” New Orleans Bowl today featured Eastern Carolina vs. Louisiana-Lafayette?!. Sounds like a sign from God to men that they really should turn off the television and go Christmas shopping.

From T.C.  ” The best selling NFL jersey this year belongs to Washington’s RGIII. Kids in Africa still wearing “2007 Patriots Perfect Season 19-0”  jerseys are looking forward to receiving free Jets’ Tebow and Sanchez ones in time for Christmas.”

 

Snow place like home.

December 22, 2012

The Green Bay Packers got over 600 volunteers to shovel snow off of Lambeau Field so their game can be played this Sunday. Many New York fans are wishing they could shovel snow onto their field so the Jets Sunday game could be cancelled.

Baylor RB Lache Seastrunk told a reporter this week “I’m going to win the Heisman. I’m going to win it in 2013” Well, if he doesn’t win the award, Seastrunk is at least looking cocky enough to be drafted by the Dallas Cowboys.

Olympic medalist Suzy Favor Hamilton has reportedly been working recently as a very high priced call girl. Sort of gives a whole new meaning to “going for the gold.”

A new study from Columbia University Medical Center finds that being chronically stressed is as dangerous as smoking five cigarettes a day. Presumably even if you’re stressed from trying to quit smoking.

Francisco Liriano, who was 6-12 with a 5.34 ERA in 2012, was signed to a 2 year, $14 million contract by the Pittsburgh Pirates.  Wow.  The only way such an ineffective performance like that is normally rewarded is by being re-elected to Congress.

A recent Rasmussen poll has John Boehner replacing Nancy Pelosi as the most disliked member of Congress. If this keeps up, the Speaker may have Oompa Loompas accuse him of conduct detrimental to the image of Orange people.

So in his “armed guards in schools” speech today, NRA Executive V.P Wayne LaPierre also indicated he wants to get rid of violent video games. Where’s the conservative outrage over too much potential government interference on this one?

And just wondering, if we have armed employees at schools and they join the teachers’ unions, when do they become a special-interest group that is a drain on the economy.  Or just plain old union thugs?

While the gun debate rages on, in Pennsylvania a gunman injured three state troopers after shooting and killing three other people, including a woman at a church. So will the NRA call next week for armed guards at all churches?

Top high school prospect Jarabi Parker is apparently being harrassed on Twitter over his decision to attend Duke (over BYU, Florida, Michigan State and Stanford). But come on folks, get a life, he’ll only be a Blue Devil for one year anyway….

Great, so today Facebook was asking today  “How are you feeling, Janice?” Then it asks “How’s it going, Janice?” Guess this answers that question – “Whatever happened to HAL?”    Then at 11p on a Friday – “What’s happening, Janice?” Jeez, FB has gone from acting like HAL to spouting bad pickup lines?