Posted tagged ‘cat jokes’

Brother can you spare a ballot?

August 23, 2016

boulder

American ingenuity in Boulder.

Apparently 20 MLB teams will watch #TimTebow‘s workouts next week. Do they really believe he can play, or hoping to get God on their side?

 

Wonder if #SFGiants are attending Tim Tebow workouts? Right about now their offense could use a few prayers.

 

Josh Norman was asked if he was the best cornerback in the NFL. He responded “I am the best cornerback on earth.”
No reaction from Seattle. is Richard Sherman taking a vacation from social media or something?

Stanford has a new policy that forbids undergraduate students from drinking hard alcohol – more than 40 proof – at on-campus parties. Great, even more incentive for students to get drunk BEFORE going to a party..

(and uh, don’t they have a policy forbidding rape too?)

Tesla has a new battery pack that will allow their cars to go zero to 60 in 2.5 seconds, about the speed of a Ferrari $1 million plus supercar. And a car with this “Ludicrous” (that’s what they are naming it) mode, will cost for only $135,000.
Well, it’s nice to know that millionaires will be able to keep up with billionaires.

As a marketing promotion, KFC has been giving away 3,000 bottles of sunscreen that smell like fried chicken. Two words: “Shark bait.”

 

A Univ. of Pittsburgh student was rescued this morning, several hours after at about 2 a.m. he tried to jump from one roof to another to impress a woman. He fell, becoming trapped between two buildings.
This is worrisome. If they end up a couple the two are young enough to breed. #DarwinAward #misseditbythatmuch

Three GOP legislators from Louisiana asked for and got federal disaster relief from President Obama . They all had voted against funding after Hurricane Sandy. “I am shocked,” said nobody.

So is this really just about the Donald demonstrating he has business sense? A report in the Huffington Post says that after Trump started accepting donor funds, he increased this campaign rent from $35,458 in March to $169,758 in July.

Trump had a big public rally tonight in Austin. A free big rally in Texas? That would be like Hillary taking time now for free rallies in California.

Melania Trump’s lawyer says she is threatening to sue the UK Daily Mail, along with U.S. based Politico and at least eight other news outlets for defamation. Yeah, she may have been born in Slovenia, but she’s definitely become a Trump alright..

 

Donald Trump tonight on immigration “”I had a great meeting with great people, great Hispanic leaders, and there could certainly be a softening because we’re not looking to hurt people. We want people — we have some great people in this country. We have some great, great people in this country but we’re going to follow the laws of this country and what people don’t realize — we have very, very strong laws.”
Even Sarah Palin is going “huh?”

A nice story for a change. Admittedly, I’ve been lukewarm on Hillary Clinton but while in Ohio decided to wear a Hillary button because it’s a close state, and IMHO the alternative is worse, much worse. But an older woman at a museum shop commented that she LOVED my button, and confided “I have blue nail polish on for her because that’s as political as I can be at work.”
I offered her my button, to wear after work, and she was just thrilled. Literally. “Are you sure, I’m so excited for her, thank you so much.”
Made me smile actually to see someone really happy about this election.
(comedy writers don’t count.)

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Big cats.

October 29, 2015

Thursday was National Cat Day. And cats are thinking, uh, EVERY day is National Cat D

In South Africa this week, a lion attacked a party of five men hunting illegally, killing one man and two dogs. Apparently mean bitch Karma also wanted to celebrate National Cat Day.

Ironic that on ‪#‎NationalCatDay‬ the GOP has elected a new Cat Herder ‪#‎PaulRyan‬

There are arguments over who won yesterday’s GOP debate. But it seems to me the real winners are obvious- anyone who chose to watch the World Series instead.

Really? There are are headlines about Farrah Abraham, who apparently has a sex tape and was on “Teen Mom,” now sharing her third boob job on the internet. It’s enough to make you long for the intellectualism of the Kardashians..

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar on the 2015-16 Lakers: “I think they’ll surprise people and I’ll expect them to make the playoffs at least.” Quick, can someone check Kareem for concussions?

In New York City, a new law says people applying for jobs will no longer be required to disclose a criminal history, What, were they having problems finding enough applicants to staff Wall Street?

Walmart is rolling out their first big holiday sale this weekend. So what’s next, Black Halloween?

Don Mattingly is new ‪#‎Marlins‬ manager . But really, shouldn’t job title be “Interim manager?” With Marlins they’rel ALL interim managers.

The NFL had a town meeting Thursday on potentially moving the Raiders to Los Angeles. Right about now SF Bay Area fans are thinking – could you take the 49ers instead?

The NBA is partnering with Kia to put a Kia Motors Crop. logo on player jerseys for the next two All-Star games. Right, because when you think of a car that would be driven by very wealthy very tall men you think of Kia.

Not a fan of the new Speaker of the House and fully expect he will make me angry in short order. But on the other hand, all these fundraising emails with the headline “Stop Paul Ryan”, can we at least wait until he tries to do something before we “stop” him? ‪#‎bipartisandreaming‬

Not that the  ‪#‎Bush‬ brothers don’t love each other. But isn’t there a chance that somewhere W. is sitting back smirking “Now who’s the dumb one?

Chef Anthony Bourdain said today, that “every restaurant in America would shut down” if Donald Trump won the Presidency,” because restaurants rely so much on immigrant labor. Yet another fool who thinks that if Trump somehow won he would actually honor his campaign rhetoric. ‪#‎Trumphotelsandconstructionprojectsneedimmigrantlabortoo‬

An Uber driver in St. Petersburg, FL, was arrested after he apparently traded a prostitute a ride for oral sex. Talk about surge pricing.

CNBC had a bad night with the GOP debate, no question. But with all these GOP candidates calling for substantive questions and dealing with major serious issues, which of them wants to be the first to say “Enough on Benghazi and arguing over what Planned Parenthood did with fetal tissue”?

Career moves?

January 15, 2015

A 23 year old woman who was a Wall Street intern apparently quit and is embarking on a new career in porn. Well, many would say she has chosen a more honorable profession.

 

OSU QB Cardale Jones “My decision was very simple. I had to talk it over with my family, my friends, my coaching staff… At my point in my career, I feel like it’s best for me to go back to school. One of the most important things for me to do is graduate.” Have to wish the guy the best; sounds like Jones is already more mature than Johnny Manziel.

Darrell Winfield, one of the original “Marlboro men” in cigarette ads, died this week at the age of 85. The rancher no doubt attributed his long life to not actually smoking those Marlboros.

Two parents in Silver Spring, MD, a nice suburb outside DC, are being investigated by Child Protective Services for allowing their 10 and 6 year old children to walk a mile home from the park by themselves. And we are supposed to be raising a generation that can stand up to terrorists? ‪#‎facepalm

Your “awwww” story of the day. A cat in Russia is being called a hero for climbing into a box with an abandoned baby and keeping him warm, then meowing until she got a passerby’s attention. Of course, the meows might have been to say “Get this thing out of MY box.” ‪#‎cattrap‬

Really? Former congressman Joe Walsh tweeted “Let’s hope that when the Islamists next strike they first behead the appeasing cowards at CNN, MSNBC, etal who refused to show the cartoons.” Uh, Mr. Walsh, why don’t YOU show the Charlie Hebdo cartoons in a tweet yourself?

 

Former Dallas Cowboys offensive coordinator/offensive line coach Bill Callahan has taken a new job as offensive line coach for Washington. How awful does Jerry Jones have to be to make Dan Snyder look like a better alternative as an boss?

From T.C.  “Even former SF 49ers Head Coach Jim Harbaugh was Googling Tom Sula to find out who this guy is.”

In Pennsylvania, 62-year-old woman says she found a python on her bathroom floor when she went to take an overnight “potty break.” Assume it scared the sh*t out if her.

A 132-year-old Winchester rifle was just found in a remote part of the Great Basin National Park in Nevada. Very cool. Wonder if it’s the one that was lost after being bought new as a Christmas present for a young Larry King?

 

At the Republican National Committee winter meeting, hundreds of activists said they hoped Mitt Romney didn’t run for President for a third time. On the other hand, millions of people do hope Mitt runs again. They’re called Democrats.

On a serious note,  over 20 years ago I was lucky enough to meet and talk with Molly Ivins in a small group setting. Molly was famous as a liberal, but what she cared most about was free speech. While I can’t remember her exact words, what she said was that free speech was hard, and messy. That it didn’t just mean letting people you agreed with speak freely. And that if you truly supported free speech you would hear some pretty awful things.

I would have loved to read a column of Molly’s on Charlie Hebdo. No doubt she would have agreed some of their cartoons were disgusting. But she would have defended their right to print them.

Who needs NSA?

January 17, 2014

Cats are watching you.

Image

(this, btw, is Xena. She thinks she is a better meme than Grumpy Cat.)

 

So now that President Obama has promised to scale back the collection of phone data, how long until something else happens like the Boston bombings and Americans scream about how we should have been monitoring the perpetrators?

And Obama today backed restrictions on the NSA collection of data. So Americans can worry less about being spied upon by their government, and go back to being spied upon by Google, Yahoo, Facebook, Target, etc…

 

I know power is supposed to be an aphrodisiac, but anyone but me think French President Francois Hollande, in the middle of at least his second love triangle, looks kind of like a dweeb?

Seattle vs. San Francisco on Sunday, With the two West Coast teams much of the country views this game a bit different. About 10% want the Seahawks, 10% want the 49ers, and 80% are just hoping for a full out brawl led by Pete Carroll and Jim Harbaugh.

 

The LA Dodgers, whose payroll is already about $250 million, are now talking with Masahiro Tanaka’s agent. Even the NY Yankees are saying “Jeez, show a little restraint.”

 

In Detroit, a 4-yr-old girl found a rifle under her grandfather’s bed and accidentally shot and killed her 4-yr-old cousin. If only the little boy had been armed.

The more I think about it the more I think the Academy Awards snubbed Emma Thompson for an acting nomination for “Saving Mr. Banks” because a bunch of old men thought her haircut and clothes made her look ugly.

 

 

Lebron James’s birthday message “We’re connected at the hip no matter where life takes us. And happy birthday to D-Wade.” Translation, “if I get a better offer, I love you bro, but I’m out of here.”?

The NTSB says the wrong-way Southwest pilots said that their flight computer was correct about Branson Airport, but that they “mistakenly identified” another airport as Branson when they saw its bright lights. Well, what a relief. Not like any other pilots flying to metropolitan areas in the U.S. will ever have to contend with nearby bright lights…..

 

From T.C.  “Two pilots are being held responsible for landing a Southwest Airlines plane at the wrong airport 7 miles away in Branson Missouri.  This wouldn’t have happened at United. They would have charged a fee for bussing the passengers back to the correct airport.”

And T.C. on the bus to hell.  “A retired police captain shot the guy in front of him at the movies when he refused to stop texting. The last person who got shot in a Florida theater was the guy sitting in front of Pee Wee Herman.”

 

 

 

 

Faster than a speeding kitten?

June 21, 2013

Apparently new wi-fi technology will double the speed of the existing standard. Just think, more and faster cat pictures!

So the consensus last fall was that no one cared about the NBA because the Miami Heat were a slam dunk to win it all. So can we go back not to caring now?

Lebron James at the post-game news conference, talking about all the Miami Heat had been through, all the “adversity…” Really? Can we say “Top-1%-of-First-World-Problems?”

(or maybe Top-1%-of-1%-of-First-World-Problems.)

Had the San Antonio Spurs pulled an aging rabbit out of their hat, would they have been the last NBA champions mostly without tattoos?

Another reason MLB is better than the NBA: The officiating isn’t perfect. But balls and strikes in the ninth inning bear some relationship to balls and strikes in the first inning. Unlike fouls in the fourth quarter vs. the first quarter.

Rumor has it that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s daughter has been named North West. No pictures of the new baby yet. Maybe her parents are holding out for enough money to pay her future therapy bills?

Who needs the NSA? I decide to go to Southwest.com briefly to check something out for a friend. It takes about 5 minutes before Yahoo mail gives me a Southwest ad.

A 22 year old Australian man, who got in trouble last summer for wild and drunken behavior on a holiday weekend, has asked a judge for 3 months in jail instead of a two year ban on drinking and going to bars. Hmm. have we found a soul mate for Lindsay Lohan?

Can’t imagine how some Republicans get the reputation for being anti-woman. In Illinois, the chairman of a county committee railed against former Miss America, Erika Harold, now a lawyer running in a GOP congressional primary – “Now, Miss Queen is being used like a street walker and her pimps are the DEMOCRAT PARTY and RINO REPUBLICANS.”

Former Enron CEO Jeffrey Skilling, serving a 24 year sentence, is asking that 10 years be taken off his sentence in exchange for giving victims the the $40 million that he had agreed to forfeit if his appeals were unsuccessful. Another potential Golden Rule application – “Have the gold, make the rules.”

Of course we don’t really know much, though what we know doesn’t look good, but Patriots TE Aaron Hernandez – a history of drug use AND concussions. And the NFL worries about excessive celebrations

 

From T.C.  “Sesame Street has just introduced a new character named Alex, whose dad is in jail. No word on Alex’s last name being Ochocinco.”

Getting what you pay for?

February 8, 2013

As another blizzard bears down upon the East Coast, after dumping snow and ice on the Midwest, those high California tax rates are looking more and more like a bargain.

Some might be surprised that Monopoly chose to add a cat token. But the Humane Society did note that 33% of U.S. households own at least one cat. Though they have said “are owned BY at least one cat.”

Kobe Bryant, talking about Dwight Howard, says he should play with pain. As opposed to Bryant’s longtime Laker teammates who have played with a pain.

Dwight Howard is firing back at teammates who say he should be playing. The Lakers center said before tonight that just as soon as his shoulder has healed he will be back on the court, regularly, and once again demanding a trade.

After Dwight Howard returned for tonight’s Lakers-Celtics game,  which Boston won 116-95,  wonder if Kobe Bryant will tell Howard to relax and take more time off.

For 5 weeks in a row, the #1 team in college basketball has lost. This title is getting to be as short-lived as #3 in Al-Qaeda.

Chris Christie told the White House doctor who expressed concern about his weight to “shut up.” If not, the N.J. governor may threaten to sit on her.

The Oakland Raiders are putting a tarp over “Mt. Davis,” the stadium section which destroyed views for As fans when it was built when the football team returned from L.A. A tarp?! Really!? Wouldn’t it be more effective to use dynamite?

The Grammys have sent out a memo for stars and performers asking that “buttocks and female breasts” be “adequately covered…Bare sides or under curvature of the breasts is also problematic. Please avoid sheer see-through clothing that could possibly expose female breast nipples.” That crash you heard was ratings for potential straight male viewers.

Kristin Cavallari, who is engaged to Jay Cutler, said the Bears QB proposed to her via text message. Well, that ought to do wonders for Cutler’s 4th place finish in the “most disliked” athlete poll.

You can’t make this *stuff” up dept: The Rockies’ Todd Helton, who signed a $141.50 million contract in 2001, was arrested for DUI this weekend. According to police, Helton was arrested at a gas station, where he had gone to buy….lottery tickets.

The times, they are a changin’…. Quote from Curt Schilling, a conservative who’s supported GOP candidate and toyed with running for Senate: “I’ve never understood this ‘issue’ with gay players? Who cares? I know I played with some, their sexual orientation never had much to to do with how they hit with RISP, or pitched in late & close situations, why the hell would what they do in the bedroom ever matter?”

So with the latest allegations out of Florida, maybe fantasy baseball leagues should add a bonus category – first major leaguer to be suspended in 2013 for PEDs?  And readers, feel free to put your guess in comments – no prizes – just bragging rights:

Flori-duh and beyond.

December 23, 2012

GOP Florida governor Rick Scott sent President Obama a letter requesting that he invoke federal law to order a cooling-off period to prevent a longshoremen’s strike. Of course if Barack complies wonder how long it will take Scott to rail again against overreaching federal government authority.

Tim Tebow is reportedly going to the Jacksonsville Jaguars in 2013. Could be a good fit. Tebow always did a great job when surrounded by top college-level talent.

Rubert Murdoch’s New York Post called NRA leader Wayne LaPierre a “gun nut” and “NRA loon” on its Saturday cover. For the uninitiated, this is about as likely as Fox News saying something nice about President Obama.

Would the NRA next like to suggest the public places they DON’T believe should have armed guards? It might be a shorter list.

A recent study showed people did significantly better on tough math problems when they were in the company of their pets. So maybe animals are soothing. Although in the case of cats, perhaps their presence just reminded their owners to relax and not give a sh*t.

“Bob’s,” a Brazilian fast-food chain, has introduced edible wrapping for its burgers. McDonald’s is thinking of following suit, although a sticking point might be that wrapping would probably have more nutritional value than their hamburgers.

President Obama is in Hawaii for a few days at Christmas. Waiting for the first detractor to condemn him for taking a foreign vacation…

A judge said the NFL, NBA, NHL, MLB and the NCAA can move forward with their attempts to stop New Jersey’s plans to allow sports gambling. Can’t wait to see Chris Christie weigh in on this one….

 

The “R + L Carriers” New Orleans Bowl today featured Eastern Carolina vs. Louisiana-Lafayette?!. Sounds like a sign from God to men that they really should turn off the television and go Christmas shopping.

From T.C.  ” The best selling NFL jersey this year belongs to Washington’s RGIII. Kids in Africa still wearing “2007 Patriots Perfect Season 19-0”  jerseys are looking forward to receiving free Jets’ Tebow and Sanchez ones in time for Christmas.”