Posted tagged ‘Heat jokes’

Reigning on a parade

June 22, 2016

During the Cavs victory parade Cleveland’s JR Smith held up a “2016 Election” sign with a check next to his game instead of Clinton or Trump. How silly. Smith couldn’t really win Ohio. King James on the other hand….

Bernie Sanders said today “”It doesn’t appear that I’m going to be the nominee.” In related news, the Thunder say it doesn’t appear they’re going to be the 2016 NBA Champions.

The NHL has approved an expansion team in Las Vegas. Well, this actually could be a major boon for the league. Americans love any sport when they can bet on it.

Former House Speaker Dennis Hastert today began a 15-month prison sentence for hiding money transactions. The money was allegedly hush money after his repeated sexual abuse of young boys.
“I feel so sorry for him”, said nobody.

 

New York City is going to start offering free sanitary napkins, pads and tampons at public facilities. Of course, the city had has no problem already with a full supply of douche bags.

‪#‎ESPNBodyIssue‬ coming out in July & MLB will be represented by ‪#‎JakeArrieta‬. What, no ‪#‎BartoloColon‬?

 

Democrats members staging ‪#‎NoBillNoBreak‬ sit-in on House floor to demand vote on gun control. Time for GoFundMe campaign for portapotties?

The ‪#‎GOP‬ is keeping ‪#‎CSpan‬ from televising the ‪#‎NoBillNoBreak‬ Democratic sit-in. So guns are not dangerous but cameras are?

 

As the ‪#‎NoBillNoBreak‬ sit-in continued, GOP Rep. Louie Gohmert approached the (literally) sitting members of Congress and yelled ‘Radical Islam!’ Hmm, if only the Democrats were armed.

 

#‎DustyBaker‬ bobblehead night at ‪#‎DodgerStadium‬. Nothing against Dusty, great ‪#‎SFGiants‬ manager. But a Dodger bobblehead? ‪#‎sacrilege‬

You know it’s a bad weather week in the U.S. when you have a friend in Arizona and another friend/client is traveling in Saudi Arabia. and you hear Ridayh is cooler than Phoenix.

Marco Rubio, who pledged he would not return to the Senate if he lost the GOP nomination, today announced his bid for re-election. Of course, given his continued absentee record maybe Marco just meant he won’t be returning to the Senate very often.

Burger King is now testing “Mac N’ Cheetos.” These are Cheetos-breaded deep-fried macaroni and cheese sticks. So you can order a Whopper and feel healthy by comparison?

Donald Trump today accused Hillary Clinton of being “an extension of Obama,”
And right about now most Americans would take that deal..

Trump today called Hillary Clinton a “world-class liar.” So was Trump himself lying in 2012 when he told Fox News ““Hillary Clinton I think is a terrific woman… I think she really works hard and I think she does a good job. I like her.”

Paul Ryan was asked today if he trusts Trump. He chuckled and said “it depends on the issue.” Hmm, would the Speaker care to give examples? Or would my friends and readers care to help him?

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LeBron gone.

July 11, 2014

Open note to Miami fans. There are children in Africa who need clothes. Just in case you were thinking of a jersey bonfire? #Lebron

Most googled question in #Cleveland today? “How do you get burn marks out of a jersey? #Lebron

Lebron James returning to the #Cavaliers. Best sure thing about this for #Cleveland fans? It knocks Johnny Manziel off the front page.

 

Miami Heat owner Micky Arison sent a classy ‘Thanks for the memories” tweet about Lebron James leaving, even though it’s not great news for his franchise. But Arison must be used to train wrecks by this point – he also owns Carnival and Costa Cruises.

 

“There are no second acts in American lives.” So somewhere maybe F. Scott Fitzgerald is saying “F**k you, Lebron James.”

Suspended Uruguay soccer star Luis Suarez is leaving his professional team of Liverpool for Barcelona. Wonder how long he had to chew on that decision?

Chad Johnson, now a member of the Montreal Alouettes, scored his first touchdown since 2011 and celebrated by hugging a CFL official. Out of habit Roger Goodell fined him.

Forget #Lebron, the REAL breaking news is that Tim Lincecum got Paul Goldschmidt out #SFGiants

Curtis Reeves Jr. the man charged with shooting a man for texting inside a movie theater, was released on bond today. Reeves will be allowed to leave home only for church, court, doctors’ appointments, and the GROCERY STORE. New catch  phrase in Florida: “Cover me, I’m going for a quart of milk..”

 

Mashiro Tanaka, on being injured. “I want to apologize to the Yankees organization, my teammates and our fans for not being able to help during this time.” How long until the NY Yankees apologize to their fans for this season?

 

Brazil vs. the Netherlands for 3rd place in the World Cup Saturday. Have we finally found a sporting event where athletes care less than the NFL Pro Bowl?

Consumer Reports just rated California-based “The Habit Burger Grill” as having the best (chain) burger in America. Uh, many people would say it’s not even the best burger in California.

 

 

From Alex  Kaseberg:  “100 years ago, Babe Ruth made his baseball debut. It was a big day, Larry King threw out the first pitch. “

 

(and I’m thinking, who could forget the Babe’st thrilling first hit off of Jamie Moyer?)

 

 

Well, Jerry Brown may win re-election easily in California, but for 2012 Gubernatorial fun at least we have Florida. Where Gov. Rick Scott just criticized Charlie Crist as “elitist” for wearing a Rolex. Scott is worth about $150 million and has his own plane.

A hard-bitten team?

June 24, 2014

 

This just in –  World Cup coaches have ordered players to strike “Bite Me” from their vocabularies against Uruguay.

Mike Tyson has just been named an honorary team captain for #Uruguay #WorldCup #Suarez

 

Luis Suarez says of his biting another player, for the third time, “these things happen.” Translation, if you’re playing Uruguay in the next round of the World Cup, get a rabies shot.”

Will the headline for #Italy‘s #WorldCup exit today be “The Biter End?” #Uruguay #Suarez

All this commotion over Uruguay player Luis Suarez biting an Italian player today. This would never have happened with England playing Italy. #WorldCup

 

 

President Obama visited a Chipotle restaurant today and REACHED OVER THE SNEEZE GUARD to point at what he wanted. Republicans will no doubt soon announce a congressional investigation. #impeachableoffense

After almost a year long investigation, the NTSB faults actions by the pilots in the crash of Asiana Airlines 214 in San Francisco. In another year will an investigation conclude that Malaysian is missing a plane?

That moment when you think the “Crooks are stupid” contest for the year is already over, and it’s only June: In Minnesota, a burglar apparently couldn’t resist checking his FB on the home computer of someone he was robbing. And he FORGOT TO LOG OUT. So police tracked him down from the profile. Guess he has updated his status to #Busted.

Wonder how many #Miami fans are checking #Cleveland websites for advice on the best way to burn jerseys. #TheDecision2 #Lebron

#Lebron James will opt out of his #MiamiHeat deal. Assume the #Spurs have already told him, “No Thanks.”

Gregg Popovich, on Tim Duncan’s decision to return to the Spurs for a relatively low salary. “”He feels a responsibility to his teammates.” And Kobe Bryant and Lebron James responded “A what?”

 

 

The Phillies signed OF Grady Sizemore to a minor league contract. The way Philly is playing this season, isn’t “minor league contract” redundant?

 

 

Headline – “Boehner threatens war with Obama.” As opposed to his current wonderful spirit of cooperation?

From Alex Kaseberg: “U.S. women’s soccer goal, Hope Solo, was accused of assaulting two family members. She was charged with two counts of assault and one count of impersonating an NFL player.”

Our short national nightmare is over.

June 19, 2014

#Facebook was down for about 30 minutes Thursday morning. The horror. Millions of people were limited to looking at their own cats.

British Prime Minister David Cameron gave Chinese premier Li Keqiang a signed copy of the shooting script for the first episode of Downton Abbey as a souvenir of Keqiang’s visit to the UK. Wonder how long it will take China to come up with a show knock-off?

And so it begins, Grover Norquist suggests renaming the Redskins the Washington Reagans, What, not the Gippers?

My friend Jeff suggests the Washington Blamers. With a logo of a lot of pointing fingers.

John Kerry, on Dick Cheney’s recent criticism of Obama. “This is the man who took us into Iraq saying this? Please.’ If Kerry had fought back like that against the “Swift boaters” he might have had a chance to be elected President.

Former Montana Governor Brian Schweitzer, who appears to be running more for a TV job than President, in an interview on Eric Cantor “If you were just a regular person, you turned on the TV, and you saw (him) talking, I would say—and I’m fine with gay people, that’s all right—but my gaydar is 60-70 percent.” Oh please, oh please, someone ask Schweitzer about Marcus Bachmann.

So the San Antonio Spurs have a dominating win in the NBA Finals and all the talk is about – what will Lebron and the Heat do next year? #Americalovestrainwrecks

Who says I never say anything nice about George W. Bush?. At least the former President hasn’t added his name to the GOP chorus criticizing Obama on Iraq.

Apparently Harrison Ford suffered a broken leg, not an injured ankle as previously reported, on the set of the latest “Star Wars” sequel. Good thing he wasn’t working on a remake of “They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?”

So what’s the difference in this year’s World Cup between Spain and England? About 24 hours.

England is now close to being out of the World Cup. To put this in perspective for Americans, it’s like the USA being eliminated in the first round of the Nathan’s hot dog eating contest.

In Wisconsin, prosecutors are alleged that Gov. Scott Walker was at the center of a nationwide “criminal scheme” with people like Karl Rove to illegally coordinate with outside conservative groups. If true, clearly this must be Obama’s fault.

New GOP majority leader Kevin McCarthy started a deli business with money he won in the lottery when he was 19. Makes sense. winning the lottery is one of the paths Republicans now figure poor people should use to get ahead.

KTVU achieved national infamy earlier this year over a prank involving alleged Asiana pilot names.  Monday night, a KTVU reporter doing a live story on a woman who was robbed in Oakland, CA left her purse in a nearby unlocked van.  And the purse, of course, was stolen. Hope no one tries to get her read the names of suspected thieves on the air.

(Susan Marie H. asks “Was the reporters name Dora Notloc, Norma Coach, Greta Klue, or Ima Stoopid?)

A seriously cool story.  Somewhere, Tony Gwynn is smiling. Good luck to Addison Reed.

http://msn.foxsports.com/arizona/story/d-backs-reed-quits-tobacco-out-of-respect-for-gwynn-061714

Not the Onion.

June 18, 2014

Texas Governor Rick Perry, interviewed for the NY Times Sunday Magazine, told a reporter “that he loves California, vacations in San Diego annually, visits the state about six times a year and might even move here in January when he’s done with his 14-year stint running Texas.” Where’s a border fence when you REALLY need one?

 

 

You really cannot make this sh*t up. “Rarely has a US president been so wrong about so much at the expense of so many” from an op-ed criticizing Obama’s handling of Iraq. By Dick Cheney

The US has captured a “key” Benghazi suspect. So just for a day, many in the GOP are saying “Forget Benghazi, let’s talk about Iraq.”

 

Tragic, really. Chris Bosh, talking about the Heat’s tough season. “There was no, like, genuine joy all the time. It seemed like work. It was a job the whole year.”

(My friend Jon Nedry says,  Nobody had the “do what you love” talk with him when he was younger?”)

 

Oakland starting pitcher Drew Pomeranz, who entered last night’s game with an ERA under 2, broke his right hand punching a chair last night after giving up 8 runs in a loss to the Texas Rangers. And the A’s are in first place. Imagine what Pomeranz might have done if he pitched for the Cubs.

 

Well, they’re consistent. Former GOP Rep. Allen West of Florida wrote today: “Squirrel! Benghazi suspect conveniently captured to deflect attention from all the other nightmares.” I suppose we only killed Bin Laden for the same reason.

 

San Antonio’s Tony Parker -“I think everybody’s gonna come back.” Chairman Peter Holt -“Tim and Manu want to play until they die, somewhat sincerely, actually.” And Brett Favre just went out and bought a Spurs jersey.

Who needs reality television? In Louisiana, congressman Vance McAllister, who ran on a family values platform and was caught making out on tape with a married staffer, said he wouldn’t run again. But now he is “leaning towards” changing his mind. And one of his declared opponents, Zash Dasher, is the nephew of Duck Dynasty’s Phil Robertson….. This all must be the fault of gay marriage.

 

Rep. Lou Barletta (R-Pa.) said yesterday that the House “probably” has the votes to impeach President Barack Obama if the matter was brought to the floor. Well, it would be a change from the votes to repeal Obamacare.

A lot of excited new U.S. soccer fans have a question after yesterday’s big win over Ghana. So is this World Cup thing 3 out of 5 or 4 out of 7?

 

While celebrating the #USA win over #Ghana, maybe millions of Americans could take the time to find Ghana on a map. #Geography. #WorldCup

 

 

In California, lawmakers today rejected a bill that would have put a label on sugared sodas, energy drinks and fruit drinks saying “STATE OF CALIFORNIA SAFETY WARNING: Drinking beverages with added sugar(s) contributes to obesity, diabetes, and tooth decay.” Gosh, because now people think they are drinking that stuff for their health?

Rick Perry, saying he’s “preparing” for 2016 and trying to step away from his comments on gays last week ““Actually it was a pure economic message in San Francisco until a question from the audience.” Well okay then. Because as a candidate for president he’ll never get sidetracked by questions…

A Senate panel today slammed Dr. Oz for his claims for “miracle” weight loss products – “The scientific community is almost monolithically against you.”. Guessing Dr. Oz will soon demand the hearing be transferred to the GOP-led House.

 

Well, it doesn’t just happen to the little people. This tweet today “Hey @united landed in Dublin yesterday morning from Newark and still no golf clubs… Sort of need them this week… Can someone help!?” The tweet? Rory McIlroy. And he needs them for the Irish Open….

 

The Heat is Gone

June 16, 2014

#SanAntonioSpurs win the #NBA championship with a team comprised largely of immigrants. I blame Obama.

Apparently tonight this IS a country for old men. #Spurs

Chris Bosh “Plain and simple, we’re going to win tonight. Asked if he was guaranteeing a victory, Bosh said: “I don’t care about guarantees. We’re just going to win the game.” If it’s as simple as a prediction wonder why Bosh didn’t say this before games 3 and 4..

(and Chris Boch, you’re no Joe Namath.)

Sunday was Father’s Day. Time to call dad. And for those whose fathers are in the NBA. Hope they called early so they didn’t get a busy signal.

 

QB Vince Young announced his retirement from the NFL. Shocking. Vince Young hadn’t already retired?

Before this week wonder how many people outside of Northern California #StMarys and San Antonio #Spurs had ever heard of Patty Mills?

Relative unknown Martin Kaymer won the U.S. Open by 9 shots.  And now doubt tournament thought that after Tiger Woods pulled out, that having Phil Mickelson struggle was the worst thing that could happen to their TV ratings.

 

On Friday, #BaseballTonight asked if SF was a lock to win the NL West. Maybe it was better when ESPN was ignoring them. #SFGiants.

Obama granted Republican Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Corbett’s request to end the Philadelphia area transit strike, by creating a presidential emergency board to mediate the dispute. Waiting to see how the rest of the GOP spins this as wrong.

Casey Kasem, 82, has passed away. He entertained Americans for years on radio with his countdown of the top 40 singles of the week . Many young people may ask “Casey who?”. Still more are asking “What’s a single?”

 

 

Commercials on ESPN for the USA team in the #WorldCup.”It’s the ‘Group of Death”, only two will come out alive.” Well, yeah, because only two come out of ANY group. Including “Groups of Life?”

 

 

 

French World Cup coach Didier Deschamp said he thinks his team is being spied upon by drones. Well, it’s as least as plausible as the next World Cup having been awarded to Qatar

Spurred on?

June 14, 2014

San Antonio #Spurs stars include Tim Duncan, from the Virgin Islands, Tony Parker, from France, born in Belgum, Manu Ginoboli, Argentina and Boris Diaw, France. And then there are bench players Tiago Splitter, Brazil, Cory Joseph, Canada, Aron Baynes, Argentina and of course, Patty Mills, Australia. It’s like watching the #WorldCup without soccer.

Lebron James, asked what to do to force a game 6? Uh, score more points than the Spurs?

Hard to believe it’s been 20 years since the O.J.Simpson saga began. Imagine what the murders, chase and trial would have been like in a social media era.  And probably very un PC to imagine the hashtags.

Seen on a bottle of “Angry Orchard” hard apple cider. “Naturally gluten free.” Maybe because there is no gluten in apples?

So has Sergio Romo been given some sort of subsidy to promote liquor sales in the San Francisco area? #SFGiants

Kanye West, on his goal to surpass legends “I ain’t concerned about anyone who’s living, and added that “I’m going after Shakespeare..” Talk about a midsummer night’s dream.

The NY Times is reporting on an increasing number of people who want Mitt Romney to run for President. Presume these people are called “Democrats.”

Amazing. Governor Rick Scott just signed a bill saying that abortions will be illegal in Florida at any point in a woman’s pregnancy if her doctor determines that the fetus could survive outside the womb. His spokesman said he “was glad to sign this bill that protects the lives of children,” But Scott still hasn’t done anything about Medicaid expansion. So Florida’s children better be born tough. (and as Todd says, “be ready to stand their ground.”

 

 

JetBlue Airways today says they apologized to a mother who said her 3 year old daughter had to urinate in her airplane seat because a flight attendant would not let her use the restroom while the plane sat on the tarmac at JFK airport. The JetBlue said they gave the mom a $50 credit and will donate $5000 to her favorite charity. And presumably the airline and others are contemplating a surcharge for seats guaranteed not to have been occupied by toddlers?

 

(as my friend Tim Church says, are they changing their name to “JetEwwwwwwwww”)

The United Church of Christ in the mid-Atlantic region today passed a resolution telling its 40,000 members not to buy Redskins game tickets or to wear team gear until they change their name. Or presumably until Washington starts winning, whichever comes first. #longwait

 

 

 

 

 

Delay tonight in Oakland for the As and Yankees game due to a power failure.   Maybe Oakland is trying to prove they should host a Super Bowl?

Name calling.

June 12, 2014

Last night, Texas Gov. Rick Perry called Hillary Clinton “a very, very capable public servant, great secretary of state and first lady.” The sad thing, with many of Perry’s supporters that comment will be seen as more offensive than his comparing homosexuality to alcoholism.

Hillary Clinton says the U.S. should lift its embargo on Cuba. Translation, she’s done the math, and between new residents and a younger population, there are just not that many anti-Castro Florida voters any more.

 

The World Cup finally got started today. So fans of serious flopping no longer have to settle for watching the NBA.

So today is the first day of U.S.Open, and the World Cup. In addition there are several MLB games and game four of the NBA finals. So let’s see how ESPN will somehow manage to lead with an NFL story.

 

Landon Donovan will now be an in-studio World Cup analyst for ESPN. He’ll be in the tournament a lot longer than US team he was left off of…. #WorldCup

 

( Of course if ESPN really wanted to get Americans watching the World Cup they’d hire Johnny Manziel as an analyst.)

 

 

First day of the #WorldCup and Brazil scores the go-ahead goal on what appears to be an egregious yellow card following a flop by a Brazilian player. But I’m sure it was an accidental mistake. No one would ever accuse FIFA and their host country of anything untoward.

John Boehner is blaming Eric Cantor’s defeat on Obama. So much for all those who said our President never accomplishes anything.

The Cleveland Cavaliers are apparently interested in Mark Jackson as their next head coach. Well, the job wouldn’t come with any playoff pressure.

 

 

Harrison Ford, reprising his role as Han Solo, has been injured on the set of the film, “Stars Wars VII”. Apparently by the door of the Millennium Falcon. Did Ford trip over it with his walker?

 

 

Will the cause of #HarrisonFord‘s ankle injury on the set of the new Star Wars movie be listed as too much Force?

 

So with this colossal mess in Iraq, the GOP will no doubt be blaming President Obama for taking out a strong leader who once had the country under control….. Oops, wait. Never mind.

 

Have to  figure this is being told tonight somewhere. “Heard a good Florida joke?” “The Miami Heat.”

Fair trade?

June 12, 2014

Ted Cruz has finally officially renounced his Canadian citizenship and is now a citizen only of the United States. Wasn’t there some way we could have linked this process to making Canada take back Bieber?

 

An Arizona man arrested for felony unlawfully discharge of a firearm told authorities that he was trying to shoot the moon. What’s his defense – “Stand your Planet?”

 

A four-day trial has been scheduled July 7-10 to decide if Donald Sterling was properly removed as a trustee as far as the sale of the Clippers. That’s almost 3 weeks away Sterling should have time to change his mind another 4-5 times by then.

 

Many may criticize Hillary Clinton for her comment about being “dead broke” after leaving the White House.But just guessing Donald Trump will not be one of them, as he has been through FOUR corporate bankruptcies.

 

 

Add to the list of those in the GOP who will tread very carefully with Hillary Clinton’s “dead broke” comment, NJ Governor Chris Christie. Estimated to be worth about $5 million.

The Miami Heat are apparently looking at ways to add Carmelo Anthony to their team. Well, that ought to make them even more beloved outside South Florida…..

Bizarre trivia of the day. Since high school (and not counting the Olympics and All-Star games), Tim Duncan, 38, has had only two coaches in 20 years – Dave Odom at Wake Forest and Gregg Popovich.

Osmosis Skincare claims they have come up with “Harmonized Watet” that acts as a drinkable sunscreen for up to three hours.. Sure, makes sense, if you stay inside for three hours to drink it.

New Knicks coach Derek Fisher has vowed to bring a “championship back to New York” because of his championship experience. Yeah, that has worked out so well for Theo Epstein in Chicago.

Quote of the day on the Eric Cantor upset, from former GOP congressman Steve LaTourette: “I didn’t think there was any room to his right, but they found some.”

The Big 12 athletic directors told ESPN they have had “zero discussions” about expansion. “We see how strong and productive our league is with 10 members.” If true, maybe they can swap names with the 12-member Big 10?

The Republican National Committee is jumping on a mistake Hillary Clinton made when she referred to Abe Lincoln as a “Senator” from Illinois when he was actually a Congressman. Wonder how many current members of Congress knew he was either one.

(well, okay, McCain knew, since he was there.)

 

Texas Gov. Rick Perry, asked if he believes homosexuality is a disorder. “Whether or not you feel compelled to follow a particular lifestyle or not, you have the ability to decide not to do that. I may have the genetic coding that I’m inclined to be an alcoholic, but I have the desire not to do that, and I look at the homosexual issue the same way.” Too bad Perry doesn’t have the desire to fight his genetic coding to be stupid.

 

Good point from Dennis Mar, about my comment that Tampa Bay, who hadn’t scored in three games, was perhaps trying to be the official MLB team of the World Cup?  ” To do so, some players would need to develop a baseball version of flopping — perhaps faking the hit-by-pitch.”

 

(Actually if the NBA really wanted to get rid of flopping it could be done instantly.. Make possible flops reviewable.  And if caught on replay, give the offender a technical.)

 

Wanna get away?

June 9, 2014

southwest

 

Hey, we all were student drivers once.

 

(But Southwest pilot happy hours have been cancelled until further notice.)

The CIA, besides being on Twitter, now has a Facebook account. So my fellow Americans, our privacy is safe. Our spies will be spending most of their days looking at cats.

 

Dwyane Wade was fined $5,000 for his Game 2 flop that resulted in a foul against Manu Ginobili, who didn’t touch him. Let’s see, $5,000 when you win a 2 point game…? Guessing the Heat will tell Wade to keep that move in his playbook.

This season the Jacksonville Jaguars have replaced 9,500 seats with a party deck with two pools and 16 cabanas, which can be rented for $12,500 a game including food and drink for 50 people. Which might be worth it for fans to have something to do other than having to watch the Jags on the field.

Barbara Walters is coming out of retirement to interview the father of the young man who killed six people at UCSB last month. “Atta girl,” said Brett Favre.

So would someone like to ask #CaliforniaChrome owner #SteveCoburn what he thinks of baseball’s DH?

The GOP in Texas ratified a platform endorsing so-called “reparative therapy,” psychological treatments that try to turn gays straight. Too bad there isn’t a reparative therapy for stupid.

Oakland mayor Jean Quan was involved in a traffic accident this weekend, and said at first just that “another vehicle struck my left-rear tire. I immediately pulled over and checked to make sure no one was hurt” Now she said she’s “unsure” if she ran a red light.But I was “not on my phone.” With this much equivocation is Quan trying to show she is ready for higher office?

Congressman Jeff Miller, denying that people have had anything to do with climate change: “Then why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Were there men that were causing — were there cars running around at that point, that were causing global warming? No. The climate has changed since earth was created.” Back on your game, Florida.

A public service announcement from my friend Julia Park Tracey. For future reference: If your white supremacy neighbors brag about “doing another Columbine,” maybe you ought to report that. #helpfulhints

So how did this #LAKings team ever get down 3-0 to the #SJSharks? #StanleyCup

 

Lebron James said that to clear his head between games 1 and 2 of the NBA finals, he went to see the movie “Malificent.” Wonder if he identifies with the title character?

 

Today, Donald Sterling says he will “fight to protect my rights,” withdraw his support for the sale of the Clippers, and again pursue a $1 billion lawsuit against the NBA. Well, this ought to do wonders for those who say Sterling is no longer capable of decision making.

The Heat is really on

June 5, 2014

The air conditioning broke down at A T & T Center during game 1 of the NBA Finals between the San Antonio and Miami, resulting in temperatures inside the arena topping 90 degrees. And over in New Orleans they’re thinking. “Hah, all we had was a little Super Bowl temporary power blackout.”

So isn’t it supposed to be the old folks who can’t handle the heat? #MIAvsSA #Spurs #Heat.

Who knew the Heat couldn’t handle the Heat?

So the Seattle Pacific University gunman was apparently subdued by pepper-spraying students as he stopped to reload. So the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a non-automatic gun and good guys with pepper spray?

South Carolina police are investigating how a loaded gun wound up among children’s toys at a Myrtle Beach Target store. Guns in the toy department are only supposed to be found at Walmart.

A Crowne Plaza in Mexico City is advertising a room as “2 DBL BEDS WITH JACUZZI TUB. VACATION WITH YOUR SWEETIE IN THIS COZY JUNIOR SUITE.” Uh, two double beds? Reminds me of the Cialis ad with two tubs.

The #HoustonAstros once again had today’s first draft pick. They’re now the #ClevelandCavaliers of MLB.

Go figure. Hockey-mad Canada has the best team in the AL East, and baseball-mad New York has the best NHL team in the East. Wonder how many Torontonians can name three Blue Jays and how many New Yorkers can name three Rangers.

A court has suspended Jim Irsay’s driver’s license for one year following his DUI arrest. Guess Roger Goodell will bring the hammer down and punish the Indianapolis Colts’ owner as severely as a player who does something really egregious, like wearing unauthorized socks.

Understated corporate comment of the month. “You have successfully reset your password. eBay is not requesting that you take any further action at this time. If you would like to call us, please know our colleagues are especially busy right now assisting other customers and we apologize in advance for making you wait.”

While I know as a Giants fans that the Dodgers could go on a tear any minute, Don Mattingly just said that L.A. “hasn’t felt like a true team at this point.” Gosh, wonder what the rea$on$ for that could be?

Hillary Clinton in March criticized Vladimir Putin “a tough guy with a thin skin.” Putin’s reply in an interview aired yesterday: “It’s better not to argue with a woman. But Ms. Clinton has never been too graceful in her statements.” Well, at least he proved the second part of her statement.

Sarah Palin is bashing Obama for releasing prisoners to free a soldier with “Anti-American views.” So I guess in future our armed forces members should fill out a political questionnaire before going to war so we can decide if they are worth saving?

Bowe Bergdahl may be a young man with some serious issues, but what would Sarah Palin and other GOP politicians be saying if he were one of THEIR sons?

A new Houston spa, called “Float Baby,” offers babies (with moms nearby) a 1 hour water floatation and infant massage for $65. This is why other countries hate us.

From T.C.  “Following Super Bowl XLIX, the following year will be marketed as Super Bowl 50, using standard numerals. Why did it take them XVIII weeks to come up with this change?   Btw, The NFL has announced that Super Bowl 50 will be played in the year MMXVI.”

Sounding silent?

March 10, 2014

Today is the 50th anniversary of the first recording of Simon and Garfunkel’s “Sounds of Silence.” Of course now the “Sounds of Silence” is when the duo turn off their hearing aids.

Retired NBA star Tracy McGrady, who wants to play professional baseball, has been invited by the independent Atlantic League Sugar Land Skeeters to spring training. And if that doesn’t work, there’s always the Miami Marlins.

The law of unintended consequences.  Millions of men look better to their spouses and girlfriends tonight. Simply because they are not Juan Pablo.

A Minnesota legislator tweeted “Let’s be honest, 70% of teams in NBA could fold tomorrow + nobody would notice a difference w/ possible exception of increase in streetcrime” Proving once again you don’t need to show your bare a** on social media to make an a** of yourself.

The Miami Heat clinched a playoff berth. But isn’t the requirement to clinch a playoff spot in the #NBA East to be “alive and breathing?

Sbarro pizza restaurant chain filed for bankruptcy court protection Monday, the second time in three years. Guess there’s increasingly less of a market for fans of Italian food who find Olive Garden too exotic.

The mystery regarding Malaysian flight 370 deepens. And it poses a quandary for some in the GOP – who do we criticize Obama for not bombing?

Apparently the father of the young woman paying her Duke tuition by doing porn is an army doctor, who just found out about her job when he returned from Afghanistan. Could have been worse. He could have found out while doing some online “browsing.”

Detroit Lions owner William Clay Ford, 88, died over the weekend. Got to wonder in Dallas and Washington D.C. how many peoples’ ears pricked up when they heard “NFL” “Owner” and “Died” in the same sentence, and then thought “Darn….”

Truer words may never have been spoken. During a video deposition for a lawsuit involving his bodyguard, Justin Bieber was asked if Usher discovered him. He responded ““I was found on YouTube. I think I was detrimental to my own career.”

At his murder trial Oscar Pistorius vomited repeatedly today during graphic testimony about about the fatal injuries sustained by his girlfriend. “I feel so sorry for him” said nobody.

Former GOP Governor of Florida Charlie Crist, now running again as a Democrat, said of his former party – they are now “perceived as being anti-women, anti-minority, anti-immigrant, anti-gay, anti-education, anti-environment I mean pretty soon, there’s nobody left.”

Senator Mitch McConnell, on the Tea Party and their primary challengers. “I think we are going to crush them everywhere. I don’t think they are going to have a single nominee anywhere in the country.” These days would Will Rogers have to say he’s a Republican?

Faster than a speeding kitten?

June 21, 2013

Apparently new wi-fi technology will double the speed of the existing standard. Just think, more and faster cat pictures!

So the consensus last fall was that no one cared about the NBA because the Miami Heat were a slam dunk to win it all. So can we go back not to caring now?

Lebron James at the post-game news conference, talking about all the Miami Heat had been through, all the “adversity…” Really? Can we say “Top-1%-of-First-World-Problems?”

(or maybe Top-1%-of-1%-of-First-World-Problems.)

Had the San Antonio Spurs pulled an aging rabbit out of their hat, would they have been the last NBA champions mostly without tattoos?

Another reason MLB is better than the NBA: The officiating isn’t perfect. But balls and strikes in the ninth inning bear some relationship to balls and strikes in the first inning. Unlike fouls in the fourth quarter vs. the first quarter.

Rumor has it that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s daughter has been named North West. No pictures of the new baby yet. Maybe her parents are holding out for enough money to pay her future therapy bills?

Who needs the NSA? I decide to go to Southwest.com briefly to check something out for a friend. It takes about 5 minutes before Yahoo mail gives me a Southwest ad.

A 22 year old Australian man, who got in trouble last summer for wild and drunken behavior on a holiday weekend, has asked a judge for 3 months in jail instead of a two year ban on drinking and going to bars. Hmm. have we found a soul mate for Lindsay Lohan?

Can’t imagine how some Republicans get the reputation for being anti-woman. In Illinois, the chairman of a county committee railed against former Miss America, Erika Harold, now a lawyer running in a GOP congressional primary – “Now, Miss Queen is being used like a street walker and her pimps are the DEMOCRAT PARTY and RINO REPUBLICANS.”

Former Enron CEO Jeffrey Skilling, serving a 24 year sentence, is asking that 10 years be taken off his sentence in exchange for giving victims the the $40 million that he had agreed to forfeit if his appeals were unsuccessful. Another potential Golden Rule application – “Have the gold, make the rules.”

Of course we don’t really know much, though what we know doesn’t look good, but Patriots TE Aaron Hernandez – a history of drug use AND concussions. And the NFL worries about excessive celebrations

 

From T.C.  “Sesame Street has just introduced a new character named Alex, whose dad is in jail. No word on Alex’s last name being Ochocinco.”

Oldies but goodies.

June 11, 2013

The San Antonio Spurs actually play like girls. And I mean that as a compliment.

Last time there was a massacre like this in #SanAntonio, I believe the #Alamo was involved. #Spurs

Meanwhile, what a brawl between the #Dodgers and #Dbacks. Wow! These guys put up more of a fight than the #Heat did tonight in #SanAntonio.

As my friend Joe Salvatore pointed out:  “Involved in the Diamondbacks Dodgers brawl :Trammell, Sax, Matt Williams, Baylor, Mattingly, Gibson, McGwire. I love the 80’s”

(Wonder if they were hitting each other with their canes?)

My friend Jeff Klein points out that down in Southern California, “People started lining up at 2 a.m. for Lawry’s prime rib for $1.25 (the cost of a dinner when Lawry’s first opened 75 years ago). But people get mad when they have to stand in line and wait 20 minutes to vote. What a country.”

I guess the moral of the story, to increase voter turnout, give away free food at the polls.

Warner Bros has decided to drop a planned sequel to the movie “Dumb and Dumber.” Guess the studio figured that when it comes to “Dumb and Dumber” no movie these days could possibly be a match for reality.

Just a thought for folks worried that the government will know exactly what you are reading. There’s a cure for that. Use cash and buy a magazine, newspaper or an actual book.

Ian Stewart, hitting .164 at Triple A Iowa, ranted last night on Twitter saying the Cubs organization is letting him “rot” and “might as well release me.” If Chicago releases Stewart they are on the hook for his $2 million salary. But maybe after that rant they will do something better, like trade him to the Marlins.

Discount carrier Allegiant Air had passengers stuck on a Las Vegas tarmac in two different planes for more than four hours. At one point passengers joined together for a group singalong to “I Believe I Can Fly.” Wonder if Allegiant then hit others on the plane with an entertainment charge.

The SF Giants are expected to place Pablo Sandoval on the DL with a foot strain.
Wonder if the trainer will tape up Panda’s foot. Might be more effective to tape over his mouth.

After Marco Scutaro was injured by being hit with a pitch, and the Giants retaliated by hitting Andrew McCutchen, expect bad blood between SF and Pittsburgh tomorrow. But if Barry Zito hits a Pirate with a pitch, how will that player be able to tell?

“ESPN the Magazine” asked CB Richard Sherman if Seattle Seahawks have a problem with PED’s, his response “it does seem that way.” Not sure what Sherman majored in at Stanford but guessing it wasn’t Communication.

There are allegations that in Hillary Clinton’s State Department, staff may have engaged prostitutes. There’s a name for people like that – they’re called “men.”

Booz Allen says they have fired #EdwardSnowden. And who saw THAT coming?

Okay, Mayor Bloomberg and his attempted nanny law on large sugary drinks was stupid. But for a bit of perspective, in Turkey earlier this month, President Erdogan proposed bans on alcohol and public displays of affection…. And how’s that working out for him.

Changing the Pace?

June 2, 2013

If the #Pacers win game 7 Monday night against the #Heat, the biggest #flopping in the NBA finals may be their TV ratings.

In a post game news conference Saturday night, the Pacers’ Roy Hibbert used a gay slur in one answer. And added the kind of curse that will get you tossed from most sporting events to refer to the media.    So is he part of a conspiracy already…to try to make the Heat the more likeable team?

#SFGiants thought it was bad when last night’s game was rained out. Turns out it was worse when today’s doubleheader wasn’t…

 

(As my friend Tony Alan Banks says, Hill is such a class act, hard to believe he was ever in the NBA.)

Colts QB Andrew Luck said “It’s the 21st century” and he would have “absolutely no problem” with an openly gay teammate. (And hey, what Luck didn’t mention. None of those distractions like paternity suits.)

R.I.P. Jean Stapleton. So in heaven tonight will Carroll O’Connor be greeting her with a big hug and “Stifle, Edith, Stifle!?

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts stock jumped after first quarter sales and profit exceeded expectations. Sounds like the new Colorado and Washington marijuana laws are already stimulating the economy.

Nine people were killed in the most recent Oklahoma tornadoes, but two storm chasers are alive despite being temporarily trapped in the eye of the storm and hit by flying debris. And somewhere Darwin is thinking “Missed it by THAT much.”

Stephen Strasburg left after 2 innings  Friday with an oblique injury. No doubt making Nationals fans even more thrilled that the team shut him down in a possible World Series year.

 

Okay, am I the only one who sees “Tiger has worst nine holes ever” and thinks that it’s a waitress joke?

Today marks the 60th anniversary of the coronation of England’s Queen. And yes, we’re talking Elizabeth, not the first Grammy won by Elton John.

From my friend Alex Kaseberg, after Keyshawn Johnson complained about Justin Bieber’s speeding: in their neighborhood:   “When your behavior offends an ex-NFL receiver, it is time to clean up your act.”

The NBA season is over.

June 22, 2012

As the Heat won the championship.  The 2012-13 preseason starts Friday.

Back briefly to football….

Ryan Leaf said at his sentencing “I’m lazy, selfish and dishonest.” Was he talking about why he should be sent to prison, or announcing a future run for Congress?

Lebron James, 27, said of winning his first NBA championship “It’s about damn time.” And Jason Kidd, 39, who won his first with Dallas last year, responded “Kid, get off my damn court.”

You could tell the Miami Heat felt they had the game and the series well in hand – they put in a white guy.

And there were signs that it was clearly Miami’s day to grab the headlines.   Even starting this morning across the country as the temperature hit 100 degrees in places, people were saying.  “I just can’t stand the Heat.”

David Ortiz said of Boston “It’s starting to become the s—hole that it used to be,” and complained that there’s too much media-driven drama. Well that ought to quiet things down….

 

 

According to EW, American Idol season 11 runner-up Jessica Sanchez, 16, will appear in several episodes of the upcoming season of Glee. Wow. An actual teenager on the high-school show.

A Texas grand jury declined to press charges against a father who killed a man he found molesting his 5 year old daughter. Offers are also pouring for the guy to have an all-expense paid trip to State College, PA.

Just when you thought it couldn’t get any grosser. Jerry Sandusky’s adopted son, Matt Sandusky, said through his lawyer today that he finally told prosecutors this week that his adoptive father molested him too….. This guy gives douchebags a bad name.

An East Coast man is being treated this morning for a bullet wound to the penis. Unfortunately, it isn’t Jerry Sandusky.

Tampa Bay Rays reliever Joel Peralta has been suspended eight games for having a foreign substance found on his glove. “Amateur,” sniffed Gaylord Perry.

Twitter was offline for an hour Thursday morning. The horror. Millions of Americans were actually forced to resort to updating their Facebook pages. (Or even worse, actually work.)

Kris Humphries is now reportedly claiming that Kris Jenner told her daughter Kim Kardashian’s to make her sex tape. Oh come on, what kind of a publicity hungry monster mom would you have to be to….oops, never mind.

Two prosecutors in Illinois have refused to defend the state’s gay marriage ban. So where’s the applause from small-government types for their decision not to waste taxpayer dollars?

Jon Gosselin, who wanted to shun the spotlight and fame, has now given an interview to People Magazine apologizing for behaving badly to his ex-wife Kate. Hmm, sounds like someone has decided he misses his “15 minutes.”

Despite Plaxico Burress’s professed interest in playing for the Carolina Panthers, a source reportedly told the Charlotte Observer that the team isn’t interested. But Burress is so talented, surely someone will take a shot at him?

Can’t stand the Heat?

May 17, 2012

Thought about the GOP going after President Obama’s connection with Jeremiah Wright: Is it really a good idea for to make religion an issue when your candidate’s great grandfather had five wives?

(Personally,  if someone was a genuine witch (or warlock) and could fix the economy, support education, and protect my rights, I’d be okay with that. :-))

Only silver lining if the Heat look as bad in the next few games as they have against the Pacers so far: Lebron James won’t have to deal with the fourth quarter choking taunts in the finals.

Truest words Mitt Romney ever spoke? In response to being asked about comments he made earlier this year about Obama and Jeremiah Wright, Mitt said “I stand by what I said, whatever it was.”

 

American Idol finalists  announced tonight.    But all the last three probably got more votes than either Romney or Obama will get in November.

An autopsy report apparently showed evidence of marijuana in Trayvon Martin’s system after he was shot. Uh, okay, wouldn’t that make him LESS likely to be aggressive and violent? (And it’s not like Zimmerman tried something like taking his Doritos.)

So are the DJ’s playing “Last Dance” in heaven tonight? One of the best dance songs ever, for those of us youngsters of a certain age. R.I.P. Donna Summer.

Is it too soon to retitle them the Miami “Not so Hot?”

Final arguments today in the John Edwards trial. Will be interesting….leaving the legal issues aside, can you convict someone for being a douche bag?

For the first time ever in the U.S., more children were born to minorities than non-Hispanic caucasians last year. Wonder if this finally might change some Republicans’ stance against birth control.

For the first time ever in the U.S., more children were born to minorities than Caucasians last year. Wonder if this finally might change some Republicans’ stance against birth control.

The NCAA is looking at overhauling rules to provide “stronger, more predictable penalties” for violations, including possible fines for a university up to five percent of its annual athletic budget. Is this known internally as the SEC tax?

SF Giants beat St. Louis Cardinals today 7-5. More amazing than the seven runs? The fact that the three errors today were all in the Cardinals column.

The best part of waking up?

May 17, 2012

A new study says that people who drink two to three cups of coffee a day may live longer. And those who have their coffee in the morning are also presumably less likely to kill their family and coworkers.

 

A 6’6″ and 350 lb Wisconsin man is picketing an “all-you-can-eat” restaurant who he said cut him off after a dozen pieces of fish.   6’6″, 350 lbs?   Well, if nothing else, sounds like walking around with a sign might be good for his health.

Reporters,(including one from that liberal rag the Wall Street Journal) complained that they were physically restrained today at a public Florida event from asking questions of Mitt Romney. A Romney spokeswoman said “an error had been made.” Right. Next time they won’t give the press advance warning.

 

From my friend Gary Bachman:  Texting while walking has been banned in a Fort Lee, New Jersey. The law was enacted after Gov. Chris Christie visited the town and was involved in an accident. He was texting while walking and did considerable damage to a Mini Cooper.

Random thought about this Clemens steroid trial. Who’d a thunk one of the most honest men in baseball might turn out to be Jose Canseco.

John Edwards’ lawyers rested their defense, without calling their client to the stand. Okay, if you’re a lawyer, and your own lawyers think you’re now too unlikeable to help your own cause, you might really be a scumbag.

 

NBA says they will not suspend or fine the Heat’s Dwyane Wade for his flaqrant foul on the Pacers’ Darren Collison. Their rational can be found in the rulebook under the “Superstars do not commit flagrant fouls” section.

 

Meanwhile, Lebron James said that with Chris Bosh out it was a “lot more taxing being in there with bigger guys.” “Wow, that sounds rough, I feel for you,” said no one outside South Florida.”

Lindsay Lohan made a cameo on “Glee” last night as a guest judge for the nationals singing competition. Good casting choice. How many other 25 year olds would make the cast of Glee -many of them her age – look so young by comparison?

Skechers will pay a $40 million settlement after the FTC said their advertising misled consumers into thinking their “Shape Up” and “Tone Up” shoes would give them a figure like Kim Kardashian’s without “setting foot in a gym.” Well, anyone who believed the claim probably at least matches Kim in intelligence if not figure.

A thought about this evidence that George Zimmerman showed signs of injuries from a fight the day after he shot Trayvon Martin: This case is for a jury to decide, but one thing is sure – no one would have been hurt if George had just obeyed the dispatcher who told him not to follow Trayvon in the first place.

A picture is worth?

June 17, 2011

$1000?  Wonder how much Edwards spent on his hair and makeup?

Some sympathy for Vancouver hockey fans. Do you know how heartbreaking it is to lose a game 7 in the Stanley Cup finals?  

Well, no, replied hockey fans in Northern California.

Roberto Luongo did not have a perfect evening. On the other hand, he had so little support that the Canucks goalie has just been named an honorary SF Giants pitcher.

Is “Canuck” Canadian for “Shark?”

Adult movie actress Ginger Lee said today that Congressman Anthony Weiner asked her to lie about their online relationship. So who are you going to believe? Someone who sells themselves for money? Or the porn star?

Now when Lee, who says she texted and tweeted with Anthony Weiner, held her  press conference, she was flanked by her attorney… Gloria Allred.

“I am shocked,” said absolutely no one.

Apparently the main reason that Newt Gingrich’s presidential campaign staffers quit was his wife, Callista. Hmm, maybe given Newt’s history the staff should have treated the marriage like the weather – just wait and it will change.

Some are criticizing President Obama for only spending five hours in Puerto Rico. Well, it’s five hours more than George W. Bush spent during his presidency in San Francisco.  (Or as a friend reminds me – Puerto Rico.)

Former UConn forward Jamal Coombs-McDaniel, who was arrested on drug charges earlier this year, was allowed to enter a first-time offenders program which will require him to perform community service and to take 10 drug education classes. Hmm. This may be more classes than he took at UConn.

from TC  ” Monday’s Miami Herald ran a full page Macy’s ad for “NBA 2011 Championship Miami Heat” tee shirts, hats and related souvenirs.

A spokesperson for Macy’s has apologized saying the wrong ad was accidentally submitted.

The correct ad should have read NFL Surplus Tee Shirts and Hats, “2007-2008 New England Patriots Perfect 19-0 Season” and “New England Patriots SB XLII Champions”

In Canada, the Macy’s ad meant to say “Congratulations Vancouver Canucks on your First Stanley Cup Victory.”

 

From Gary Morton on yesterday’s post  about Oregon star cornerback Cliff Harris was caught driving 118 mph on a suspended license early last Sunday morning.”

“Cliff’s having flashbacks. He thought he was still chasing Cam Newton.”

Drive time:

June 15, 2011

Oregon star cornerback Cliff Harris was caught driving 118 mph on a suspended license early last Sunday morning.  But wait, it gets better. Turns out according to ESPN that the car was rented and paid for by a female university employee.  Who says that a friend of Harris’s asked to use the car, and paid her the cost of the rental in cash.

The woman added that she had no idea Harris would drive the car, and didn’t even know if his friend is on the team.

Yep, this should silence all those naysayers who say the Ducks don’t have a big-time football program.

(Not sure what will happen to Harris and his friend, but the woman, if she is fired by Oregon, should have a great chance to be hired by Jim Tressel.)

New OSU head football coach Luke Fickell, a former assistant to Jim Tressel, said he had no idea about any NCAA rules violations: “I wasn’t going to say that I had blinders on, but I was very focused. I was not informed of any information until it became public knowledge.” Considering the cars his players were driving, having blinders on might have been Fickell’s best defense.

Dirk Nowitzki, on Mark Cuban’s comment that he might want to reward the team with something other than “old school” rings – “I think I would vote for a ring. I mean, I’m a man. I don’t know how I’d feel about a bracelet. I’ve gotta go with a ring.” Besides in the NBA, when most players hear “bracelet,” they think “ankle.”

Justin Verlander almost threw his third no-hitter tonight. Most teams look at him and think “I hope we don’t have to face him this year.” The Yankees think “I wonder how he’ll look in pinstripes.”

Crystal Harris has apparently just called off her Saturday wedding to Hugh Hefner. Maybe Hef shouldn’t have told her about that pre-nuptial physical in which the doctor told him he was in good health and likely to live for many more years….

A second judge turned down a request by Prop 8 supporters to disqualify the judge who overturned California’s ban on same-sex marriage, simply because the first judge was in a long-term relationship with another man. Makes sense, we don’t disqualify heterosexual judges in all rulings involving traditional marriages.

Mark Cuban left a $20,000 tip at a Miami Beach nightclub after the Mavericks’ celebration party.  Along with a free tip for the Heat ownership – it takes more than three superstars to make a team

For their NBA finals win over Miami, Governor John Kasich of Ohio just declared the Mavericks honorary Ohioans. For their surrender in the fourth quarter, how long will it take for the Heat to be declared honorary French?.

Commie pinko time:

GOP 2000 – George W. will make our strong economy stronger. GOP 2004 – we need to re-elect Bush as the best man to fix the economy after 9/11. GOP 2008 – Bush did as well as anyone could have with this tough global economy, McCain will keep us on the right track. GOP 2012 – It’s all Obama’s fault.