Posted tagged ‘Bartolo Colon jokes’

Reigning on a parade

June 22, 2016

During the Cavs victory parade Cleveland’s JR Smith held up a “2016 Election” sign with a check next to his game instead of Clinton or Trump. How silly. Smith couldn’t really win Ohio. King James on the other hand….

Bernie Sanders said today “”It doesn’t appear that I’m going to be the nominee.” In related news, the Thunder say it doesn’t appear they’re going to be the 2016 NBA Champions.

The NHL has approved an expansion team in Las Vegas. Well, this actually could be a major boon for the league. Americans love any sport when they can bet on it.

Former House Speaker Dennis Hastert today began a 15-month prison sentence for hiding money transactions. The money was allegedly hush money after his repeated sexual abuse of young boys.
“I feel so sorry for him”, said nobody.

 

New York City is going to start offering free sanitary napkins, pads and tampons at public facilities. Of course, the city had has no problem already with a full supply of douche bags.

‪#‎ESPNBodyIssue‬ coming out in July & MLB will be represented by ‪#‎JakeArrieta‬. What, no ‪#‎BartoloColon‬?

 

Democrats members staging ‪#‎NoBillNoBreak‬ sit-in on House floor to demand vote on gun control. Time for GoFundMe campaign for portapotties?

The ‪#‎GOP‬ is keeping ‪#‎CSpan‬ from televising the ‪#‎NoBillNoBreak‬ Democratic sit-in. So guns are not dangerous but cameras are?

 

As the ‪#‎NoBillNoBreak‬ sit-in continued, GOP Rep. Louie Gohmert approached the (literally) sitting members of Congress and yelled ‘Radical Islam!’ Hmm, if only the Democrats were armed.

 

#‎DustyBaker‬ bobblehead night at ‪#‎DodgerStadium‬. Nothing against Dusty, great ‪#‎SFGiants‬ manager. But a Dodger bobblehead? ‪#‎sacrilege‬

You know it’s a bad weather week in the U.S. when you have a friend in Arizona and another friend/client is traveling in Saudi Arabia. and you hear Ridayh is cooler than Phoenix.

Marco Rubio, who pledged he would not return to the Senate if he lost the GOP nomination, today announced his bid for re-election. Of course, given his continued absentee record maybe Marco just meant he won’t be returning to the Senate very often.

Burger King is now testing “Mac N’ Cheetos.” These are Cheetos-breaded deep-fried macaroni and cheese sticks. So you can order a Whopper and feel healthy by comparison?

Donald Trump today accused Hillary Clinton of being “an extension of Obama,”
And right about now most Americans would take that deal..

Trump today called Hillary Clinton a “world-class liar.” So was Trump himself lying in 2012 when he told Fox News ““Hillary Clinton I think is a terrific woman… I think she really works hard and I think she does a good job. I like her.”

Paul Ryan was asked today if he trusts Trump. He chuckled and said “it depends on the issue.” Hmm, would the Speaker care to give examples? Or would my friends and readers care to help him?

And I think it’s going to be a long long time…

May 18, 2016

MLB commissioner Rob Manfred says he is not happy with the longer length of games in 2016, about 7 minutes longer than last season, and will be looking at all kinds of ways to speed things up. Well, except possibly reducing the length of time for commercials.

Lenny Dykstra, says now about the prevalence of HGH and competing with other players “I put (HGH) in my cereal man. It was in my cereal. We’re talking about the good stuff.”
So guess we are talking “Snap, crack and pop one out of here?”

 

 

Watching quirky & wonderful @JohnnyCueto on the mound, doesn’t it seem like he should have always been wearing orange & black? ‪#‎SFGiants‬

#‎ESPN‬ reporting that Jeff ‪#‎Hornacek‬ will be New York ‪#‎Knicks‬ new interim coach.

Lebron James: “I have no idea what a common foul and flagrant foul is.” Based on this postseason, neither do NBA refs.

#‎Thunder‬ go faster than maybe any ‪#‎NBA‬ team from looking like team that could beat anyone to team who couldn’t beat the ‪#‎76ers‬. ‪#‎GSWvsOKC‬

To mollify conservatives, Donald Trump has released a list of 11 possible Supreme Court appointees. Right. Note the term “possible.” Doesn’t mean he wouldn’t end up choosing Judge Judy.

Donald Trump, comparing U.S. cities to Iraq. “There are places in America that are among the most dangerous places on earth. You go to places like Oakland…”
So here’s Oakland mayor Libby Schaff “Let me be clear, regarding @nytimes story, the most dangerous place in America is Donald Trump’s mouth.” Three word hashtag ‪#‎yougogirl‬

 

So maybe the ‪#‎NeverTrump‬ and ‪#‎NeverHillary‬ people can get together for lunch? With plenty of whine.

Bartolo Colon is being sued for child support by a woman who alleges he has fathered two children with her, while being married to his wife for 21 years. With this and his home run, Colon seems to be trying really hard to debunk the notion that pitchers aren’t athletes.

A Fox News poll found that voters U.S voters think that both Trump and Clinton have “flawed characters.” With all due respect, considering the insanity that is the modern electoral process, not to mention the polarization in Washington, hard to imagine anyone without a somewhat “flawed character” or at least a bit of insanity, wanting to run for President.

from Marc Ragovin –   “Donald Trump has released a list of 11 potential Supreme Court nominees if he is elected. Mitch McConnell has called for immediate confirmation hearings.”

And down the stretch they come.

May 7, 2016

Nyquist wins the Kentucky Derby. Hope confused fans don’t start throwing octopuses at him.

(Non-hockey fans, google “Red Wings” and “octopus.”)

Waiting for conservatives to complain the Kentucky Derby glorifies athletes who will succeed, then go have lots of out-of-wedlock children.

Hard to imagine sometimes we once had ‪#‎KentuckyDerby‬ telecasts without Tara Lipinski & Johnny Weir. ‪#‎matchmadeinheaven‬?

So many private jets at the ‪#‎KentuckyDerby‬ you’d think it was the GOP national convention.

#‎Walmart‬ says it is bringing back its “customer hosts” at the door. ‪#‎MakeAmericaGreetAgain‬?

 

Who’d a thunk that ‪#‎BartoloColon‬ would be certain to end the 2016 season with more home runs than ‪#‎PabloSandoval‬?

SF Giants have not said publicly if they have made an offer to Tim Lincecum. Of course, the way Cain and Peavy have been pitching, and now today’s game ending in the 13th, they may sign him only if he can start Monday.

Matt Duffy gets a walkoff hit in the 13th, as the Giants game finished 2 minutes before the NBA Western Conference semi-finals, thereby sparing millions of SF sports fans by minutes of having to decide between the SFGiants and the Warriors.

 

The Cubs in 2016 have a +101 run differential. To put this in perspective, the Yankees in 2016 have SCORED 100 runs.

You really cannot make this “stuff” up. A American Airlines commuter flight was delayed two hours because a University of Pennsylvania math professor was working on a differential equation, and a woman passenger thought he might be “a terrorist because he was writing strange things on a piece of paper.”
The professor, who is Italian, was questioned and the “allegations were found to be non-credible.” ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

Lauryn Hill was booed by fans in Atlanta after she showed up 2 hours late for a concert. She blamed it on her driver getting lost Gosh, if only someone could think of an invention to solve that kind of problem..

At a high school outside of Boston, someone hacked selfies that girls sent to their boyfriends, and apparently created some additional fakes, then posted up to 50 pictures on Dropbox. Once again, so thankful to have grown up in a pre-social media age.

 

Almost worth putting Elizabeth Warren on the Democratic ticket just for her comebacks. This tweet after Donald Trump said he was “driving her nuts “No, @realDonaldTrump – your racism, sexism & xenophobia doesn’t drive me nuts. It makes me sick. And I’m not alone”

Trump is attacking Hillary over Bill’s extra-marital affairs “She’s married to a man that got impeached for lying.” Right, and the Donald would never have lied to the American people. Only Ivanka, and Marla, and…..?’

 

 

Love? Zero.

August 22, 2012

A NY tennis referee, 70, has been arrested and charged with beating her husband, 80, to death with a coffee mug. Starbucks immediately issued a statement. “Coffee mugs do not kill people. People kill people.”

The Phillies gave out  Hunter Pence bobbleheads Tuesday, even though Pence is now with the Giants. Well, as these things go, they’ll be better received than “Got Melk” shirts in S.F.

More “stuff” you can’t make up: An anti-Obama session at the GOP convention will be titled “We Built This.” The session will be held at the Tampa Bay Times Forum arena, built in 1996 with 62% government money.

 

 

Derek Jeter laughed off suggestions that he is using PED’s at 38. Which probably means one of two things – either he’s clean. Or he’s sure he’s too smart to get caught.

The SF Giants have “Star Wars Day” on September 3. Let’s hope that between now and then that the Force isn’t classified as a PED.

Sarah Palin has finally semi-weighed in on Todd Akin, say she understands “that he doesn’t want to be perceived as a quitter, but you got to know when to hold them and know when to fold them.” Well, no one has ever accused Palin of waiting too long to quit.

One fan yelling “Let’s Go Dodgers”  in the bottom of the 8th.  Not saying where he wants them to go.

The Mets have shut down Johan Santana for the rest of the season. Frustrated Mets fans shrugged, figuring the rest of the team shut down over a month ago.

Bartolo Colon’s comment after his 50 game PED suspension:  “I accept responsibility for my actions and I will serve my suspension as required by the Joint Drug Program.”  Did Colon know his fake website wasn’t ready?

That deafening silence you heard Wednesday morning in the SF Bay Area is coming from formerly smug A’s fans.

 

The SF Giants have cancelled a September giveaway for Melky Cabrera jerseys. Understandable. But it would have been fun to see what creative uses fans could have found for them.

Other than the Ryan Braun case, MLB supposedly doesn’t release the names of players who test positive if their appeals are successful. So were Colon and Cabrera the only players caught this month, or did others have better lawyers?

Michael Baumgartner, a Senate candidate in the state of Washington, sent a reporter an email ending “Go F*** Yourself.” Leave the profanity out if it, putting that in writing makes him too stupid to be elected.

Regarding those naked pictures of Prince Harry in a Las Vegas hotel room: I think we can all be happy that those publicized cell phone conversations between Charles and Camilla didn’t happen on a camera phone.

According to a soon to be released study, 6% of Americans have used cellphones to send a nude or semi-nude photo. And 15% have received such a sext. That Brett Favre  sure is busy.