Posted tagged ‘Cubs jokes’

How sweet it is.

April 3, 2016

Two of the sweetest words in the English language – “Play Ball!”. ‪#‎OpeningDay‬

 

Trump now says that John Kasich shouldn’t be allowed to run because he can’t win. Well, heck, the Cubs have been allowed to play baseball for the last century.

 

Cardinals and Pirates opened up the MLB season today at PNC Park. Where the morning temperature was 33 degrees. Brrr… That’s almost as cold as a night game at Candlestick.

 

Enjoyed the ‪#‎WorldSeries‬, but anyone but me thinks interleague play on ‪#‎OpeningDay‬ sucks?

PNC Park in Pittsburgh will be selling a new all-beef hot dog with Cracker Jack, macaroni and cheese, salted caramel sauce and fried jalapenos, on naan bread. The first ballpark food designed specifically to be sold to people who lose a bet?

Stephen Schwartz, who composed “Wicked” and other Broadway hits, has banned his shows being produced in North Carolina because of the new anti-LGBT law, and wants others to join him. But really, can you actually put on a Broadway show without the LGBT community?

Last night soccer star Abby Wambach was arrested for DUI in Oregon. Who says women athletes will never be the equals of men? Sigh.

(But to give Wambach credit,  she posted about it on FB today with a full apology and no excuses…. that is not equal to many male athletes.)

 

Thon Baker, 19, a 7-ft tall basketball star from the Sudan, who graduated high school in Canada, has announced he will enter the NBA draft. What a shame, Baker could be missing some of the best months of his life in college.

Marijuana advocates had a massive joint smoking rally outside the White House yesterday calling for legalization. Why stop there? Make pot smoking mandatory for Congress. ‪#‎maybethentheycouldallgetalong‬

The Golden State Warriors trailed after the first quarter against the Portland Trail Blazers, but then  went on 6-0 run at end of 2nd quarter to lead by 7 at the half.  And pulled away to win by 25. Worried Golden State fans were beginning to think team was mortal.

The D.C. Madam’s lawyer says that her client records are online and could be released in 72 hours. As if this election wasn’t enough fun already?

Oklahoma lost by 44 yesterday to Villanova. On a brighter note for Buddy Hield, at least he got a little practice in how games might be next year if he is drafted by the Lakers.

Donald Trump now says the current laws on abortion should remain unchanged. Give the Donald credit, most politicians take years to cover every side of an issue, he’s done it in less than a week.

A numbers game

March 16, 2016

This year like every year with the NCAA tournament many Americans fantasize about a 16 beating a 1. Well, the Lakers DID beat the Warriors….

 

Sellout crowd in Dayton for a ‪#‎FirstFour‬ game between Tulsa and Michigan. Just guessing there isn’t a lot to do in Dayton.

Researchers are now saying that CTE could result from any contact sports. So maybe when Roger Goodell said that the risk playing youth football was similar to the risk of “sitting on your couch” he meant if your team’s play on Sunday (or in March Madness)  caused you to start banging your head into the wall.

 

Apparently some of the Chicago Cubs are not happy with the new rules banning smoke-less tobacco for players at Wrigley Field. John Lackey” “We’re grown men. People in the stands can have a beer, but we can’t do what we want? That’s a little messed up.”
Uh, people in the stands can bet on the game at casinos too.

Adam LaRoche retired and is giving up $13 million because the White Sox say he can’t keep bringing his 14 year-old son into the clubhouse. Just thinking if LaRoche hit say, .297 instead of the.207 he hit year the team would have not only still allowed the kid but designed him bats and washed his uniforms.

One of United Airline’s new security questions for their Mileage Plus accounts is “What month is your best friend’s birthday?” And millions of men are going “WTF, I’m lucky if I can remember what month is my WIFE’S birthday.”

At the Cincinnati Zoo today, a polar bear got out of its enclosure, but apparently has been “contained.” Who knows the reason for the escape. Maybe the bear thought it had a right to be armed?

Donald Trump says “there could be riots” if he loses the nomination. As opposed to the riots if he wins it?

So if Senate GOP won’t even consider Merrick Garland, who even Judge Roberts likes, they are saying they think they’ll get a better option from President Trump or Clinton? ‪#‎batshitcrazy‬

So if Hillary Clinton gets elected but the Dems don’t take back the Senate will Mitch McConnell declare in January 2017 that since it is only 36 months until the last year of her term it would be inappropriate to consider any pick she makes for the Supreme Court?

So now some Republicans are saying they might consider President Obama’s Supreme court pick in November if Clinton wins the election. At which point Obama should pull back Garland and nominate someone to the left of RBG.

Apparently a new Donald Trump ad against Hillary ad has footage of Clinton barking like a dog to mimic still another ad against her last month. The tag line? “We don’t need to be a punchline!”
And someone in the Trump campaign wrote that with a straight face….

Jerry Springer said of the GOP primary “if they’re going to do my show, they should start paying me.” Are you kidding, there’s no way the Republican debates and primary process have had the calm, reasoned maturity of the Jerry Springer show. ‪#‎bycomparison‬

“The president told me several times he’s going to name a moderate  but I don’t believe him. [Obama] could easily name Merrick Garland, who is a fine man. He probably won’t do that because this appointment is about the election. So I’m pretty sure he’ll name someone the [liberal Democratic base] wants.”
Senator Orrin Hatch,  MARCH 13, 2016.
I do not think I would play chess with Obama.

Sliders

February 25, 2016

 

Major League Baseball has changed the rules this year to say runners must make a “bona fide” slide at second base. Chase Utley’s response – “It will definitely help keep guys healthy for sure.” Well, if Utley starts obeying the rule it will certainly keep opposing pitchers from throwing at his head….

#‎MLB‬ will limit mound visits this year to 30 seconds. Well how will players be able to decide on good wedding gifts? ‪#‎Candlesticks‬

Dexter Fowler, who turned down a 1-year $15.8 million qualifying offer with the Cubs, just ended up signing to return to Chicago for $8 million. And then I presume Fowler fired his agent.

ESPN has named Albert Pujols’ contract with the Angels as the worst in MLB for 2016. Hmm, is this a challenge for Pablo Sandoval?

Supermodel Chrissy Teigen published a cookbook (what, super models eat?) that included a picture of her dog wearing a collar with Teigen’s personal cellphone number on it. So Chrissy had to change her number.
Well, that ought to do wonders to dispel the image of dumb blondes.

Spelling, another commie-pinko liberal concept:  oklahoma

 

One good thing about tonight’s  ‪#‎GOPDebate‬, easy to listen from the kitchen while cooking dinner without turning up the sound. ‪#‎nonstopshouting‬

 

 

The latest GOP debate knocked the latest mass shootings, in Kansas, right out of the top headline. Once again, just imagine the ratings these debates would get ‪#‎ifonlytheywerearmed‬

Carnival Cruise Lines is now selling a prepaid drink package that includes wine and spirits up to $50 per serving. With all due respect, if you drink stuff that is that high-end, just guessing you won’t be on Carnival.

Emily Maynard won “the Bachelor,” and then after breaking up with the guy, became “the Bachelorette” got engaged again and broke up with him too. Now married to someone she didn’t meet on TV, Maynard has written a book “I said Yes”, because she thinks God “gave me the platform to help grow his kingdom.”
And God is thinking “What, it’s not enough that I’m getting blamed for Ted Cruz….”

Former Mexico President Vincente Fox on Trump’s plans: “I declare, I’m not going to pay for that f—–g wall.” Well, if the Donald is elected, how long before Canadian PM Justin Trudeau decides they’ll pay for a wall to keep Americans out?

In response to protests from anti-abortion activists Lands’ End has pulled an interview with Gloria Steinem from their website – the feature wasn’t about abortion, but was rather part of a series on “individuals who have made a difference in both their respective industries and the world at large.”
Well, there’s one company to take permanently off my shopping list.

 

Back to the past

October 21, 2015

Guess ‪#‎BackToTheFuture‬ was as accurate a predictor as all those prophecies of the Rapture. ‪#‎NLCS‬ ‪#‎Mets‬ ‪#‎Cubs‬

So did original “Back to the Future” come out during Bartolo Colon’s rookie year? Not quite, but at 12 he was old enough to see it. ‪#‎Mets‬

Well, at least this one’s not on Steve Bartman ‪#‎Cubs‬ ‪#‎Mets‬ ‪#‎NLCS‬

Joe Biden says he is not running for President, saying there is not enough time to mount an effective campaign. And about a dozen GOP candidates are saying “What’s an effective campaign?”

Maybe the ‪#‎Cubs‬ had to lose. With ‪#‎JoeBiden‬ dropping out of Presidential race, God didn’t want to give comedy writers a 2nd blow in one day

The Mets’ Daniel Murphy is looking at a big payday next season. But as far as endorsement contracts, just thinking Murphy might be regretting those anti-gay comments he made in March.

Chris Christie wants to stop flights from NJ to Cuba. Is he afraid too many New Jerseyans will defect.

United sent out an email today saying they had completed Wi-Fi installations on
791 aircraft, representing 92% of our domestic fleet 91% of our international fleet. And on about half of those planes, the Wi-Fi actually works.

Texas Monthly wrote this week about a phrase they use in Norway to describe a situation as “totally crazy” – “Helt Texas.” (The literal translation, “quite Texas.”)
Apparently not many Norwegians have been to Florida?

Former Michigan coach Brady Hoke said he would have have punted on fourth down with 10 seconds left last week against Michigan State. Uh, Brady Hoke wouldn’t have had the lead with 10 seconds left against Michigan State.

The NHL Columbus Blue Jackets have fired coach Todd Richards after an 0-7 start. Surprised reactions across the country. “Columbus has a hockey team?” and “the NHL has started already?”

The rumors aren’t going away that Marshawn Lynch was drag racing Seahawks teammate Fred Jackson when he crashed. If true will Lynch’s defense be that he was just in a hurry to get somewhere so he wouldn’t be fined?

Now that Paul Ryan is making time with his family a requirement for his being Speaker maybe he can use his clout to get the “Family Medical and Insurance Leave” act out of purgatory in the House Ways and Means Committee where it has been languishing this year. Wonder if he knows the chair of the committee? ‪#‎sarcasm‬

(Ryan IS the chair of the committee.)

Am trying to imagine what the GOP would do if Hillary Clinton said one non-negotiable thing if she becomes President would be making some time every week for her granddaughter.

Bristol Palin has apparently come to a child support agreement with her first baby daddy Levi Johnston. Which is probably a good thing, as guessing Bristol won’t be getting that $250,000 plus a year any more as a spokeswoman for abstinence.

Hot and cold

October 18, 2015

So the temperature in New York is under 40 degrees at game time tonight. Maybe they were right when they said hell would freeze over before the Cubs got close to another World Series again.

If this keeps up even LGBT New Yorkers will be hugging Daniel Murphy ‪#‎NLDS‬ ‪#‎Cubs‬ ‪#‎Mets‬

The Detroit Lions won their first game today. So presumably the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers and 2008 Detroit Lions Teams broke open a case of generic beer.

Apparently fire alarms were pulled around 530a on the two floors of the Seattle hotel where the Carolina Panthers were staying. So sounds like the 13th man might be a hotel employee?

Not that it worked to help the Hawks though. Seattle may well not get back to the postseason with their fourth loss and late-blown lead of the season. But they are looking like the undisputed “winner” to fill in the blank of an old joke.
“Whats the difference between the ‘blank’ and a dollar? You can get four quarters out of a dollar.”

Hard to believe watching their game that the ‪#‎Ravens‬ & ‪#‎49ers‬ were in the Super Bowl against each other only three years ago.

The Steelers’ Cam Heyward was fined $5,787 for wearing eye black to honor his late father Craig “Ironhead” Heyward last week, but he chose to wear it again. No doubt the league will fine him again, this sort of thing distracts from all their official approved uniforms available for sale on NFL.com

In Australia, a man went one year without sex to raise money for charity. Hmm, this could make Silicon Valley the philanthropy capital of the world.

The Orlando Sentinel is reporting on a “marijuana epidemic” in college football. Uh, one, if it’s an epidemic, it’s been going on for decades. And two, “epidemic” generally means those who have symptoms want to be cured.

Michigan’s AD is calling for fans to lay off the punter who fumbled at the end of the game yesterday resulting in a last second MSU game. Makes sense, one, he’s a kid, two, he’s not the one who called plays that in 4 downs couldn’t run 1 minute and 47 seconds off the clock. (Spartans had and used only 1 time out.)

In Chicago, a 6-year-old boy fatally shot his 3-year-old brother playing “cops and robbers.” The father told police he bought the gun to protect his family. So I guess he should have armed the toddler too?

From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg.   “Donald Trump claims he would have stopped 9/11. Apparently he would have hired the terrorists and then they would have had to declare bankruptcy.

No morning sunshine?

October 13, 2015

A new study found that people who like their coffee black are more likely to be sadistic and psychopathic. Well, at least until they get their coffee.

For the second consecutive week, an error by MNF officials could have changed the outcome of the game, (although the Steelers won despite the “loss” of 18 seconds on the clock.) Maybe we should start checking the officiating crew for DraftKings accounts?

Playboy has announced they will stop publishing nude pictures. Shocking. Playboy is still publishing?

USC Athletic Director Pat Haden said that now former coach Steve Sarkasian was fired because he “did not meet USC’s standards.” Well, that I believe. Trojans, at 1-2, are 5th out of 6 teams in the Pac 12 South.

Twitter is laying off 8% of their engineers. So presume the pink slips were done in under 140 characters ‪#‎yourefired‬

The ‪#‎Cubs‬‘ Anthony Rizzo hit a go-ahead home run on an 0-2 pitch. ‪#‎SFGiants‬ fans are having bad 2015 regular season flashbacks.

You think you might be having a bad week at work. Probably not as bad as Kevin Siegrist. (Cardinals relief pitcher. two losses in two days. Including the Cubs clincher today.)

Ted Cruz is apparently moving up in the GOP polls. Just what kind of a world do we live in when Cruz isn’t close to looking like the most bat-shit crazy one?

Donald ‪#‎Trump‬ is hosting ‪#‎SNL‬ on Nov. 7. Well, good for the Donald. He could use the exposure.

Some UberX drivers are supposedly planning not to work this weekend as a protest against the company’s low rates and lack of a tip option. Well, if this catches on it should be good for some serious surge pricing.

So Lamar Odom is apparently “fighting for his life,” after being found unconscious at a Nevada brothel. Sad. Although perhaps the saddest people are the Kardashians since he’s no longer a “cast member” of their show.

A new poll in California shows the President’s approval rating at 60%, the highest of his second term. ‪#‎IblameObama‬

Democrats were wondering how to get viewers interested in their first debate tonight. Maybe Bernie Sanders should have threatened to take out Hillary Clinton with a hard slide?

“The excitement can still be felt in the debate hall.” And CNN said it with a straight face. ‪#‎DemDebate‬

How could the ‪#‎Demdebate‬ possibly compete with stuff like this? Newt Gingrich said if called upon he would consider becoming Speaker of the House again, telling Sean Hannity “This is why George Washington came out of retirement – because there are moments you can’t avoid.” ‪#‎yeshesaidit‬ ‪#‎nottheOnion‬

If anyone thinks that these days women are treated with any sort of equality in politics, then they clearly missed the earth-shattering commentary that Clinton aide Huma Abedin wore ALMOST THE SAME British dress that Kate Middleton has been seen in last year. ‪#‎nottheOnion‬  (The U.K Daily Mail,

Pajama party

August 30, 2015

Before today’s game against the Dodgers, the Cubs announced plans to wear pajamas on the flight back to Chicago. Wonder how many other contending teams are suddenly looking on Amazon for pjs that can be delivered overnight.

(Such a pajama party wouldn’t happen with the Red Sox.  Between Panda, Oritiz and Machi, the team couldn’t find enough in their size.)

The Los Angeles Dodgers have been no-hit twice in nine days. No punchline. I just admit to like writing it.

The Little League World Series championship game was 13-11 after three innings. Did someone forget to bring the humidor? ‪#‎LLWS‬

Obama on Monday is going to restore Mt McKinley’s name to Denali. Waiting for the first GOP candidate to complain about the President trying to curry favor with foreigners.

A study in China found greater longevity for people who most frequently ate hot and spicy foods. Pass the Habanero Tabasco – I’m gonna live forever.

Washington has apparently had trade talks about RGIII. Shocking. Some team at this point might actually want him?

Bobby Jindal said legal immigrants need to immediately “learn English, adopt our values, roll up our sleeves and get to work.” Okay, shouldn’t that also apply to people who are born here?

Despite internet rumors, James Earl Jones has not died. So “Luke, I am STILL your father.”

Yankees pitcher CC Sabathia says a picture of him with what appears to be a joint on a Atlanta hotel balcony was just him smoking a cigar., He also denies rumors he has asked the team to trade him to the Rockies or Mariners.

The Des Moines Register reported these private emails Rick Perry’s Iowa campaign chair Sam Clovis about Trump. “I was offended by a man who sought and gained four student deferments to avoid the draft and who has never served this nation a day — not a day — in any fashion or way.”, “His comments reveal no foundation in Christ, which is a big deal.” and ““Why should I not be suspicious of someone who says he hates lobbyists and yet has spread millions of dollars around to Republicans and Democrats to enrich himself? ”

Who cares, another Trump hater? Except that Clovis quit with Perry and has now joined the Donald’s campaign as a national chairman. ‪#‎moneymoneymoneymoney‬

If they canceled the last week of ‪#‎NFL‬ preseason football would anyone care? Seriously?

Chris Christie is now saying that Hillary Clinton’s e-mail scandal shows she caught a “disease” of “lawlessness” from the Obama administration. So where did the New Jersey staffers who closed that bridge catch THEIR disease.?’

Travelers at Newark Airport’s Terminal C were evacuated tonight after a man entered through an exit door, and had to re-enter later through a security checkpoint. The scariest thing for many connecting passengers, they actually had to enter New Jersey.

Horror film director Wes Craven has passed away at the age of 76. So shouldn’t he really have died on a Friday the 13th?

At the VMAs, Kanye West admitted to rolling “a little something” and also said “As you have probably guessed, I have decided to run for president in 2020.” Well, Kanye is opinionated and egotistical enough, maybe he really wants to be on a 2016 ticket with Donald Trump.


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