Posted tagged ‘Cubs jokes’

A tale of two seasons:

August 27, 2016

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything….” Who knew Dickens was an #SFGiants fan?

 

#SFGiants congratulate #Cubs on extra innings win against #Dodgers. Hope for more wins & longer games before Giants go to #Wrigley next week

Meanwhile, Atlanta Braves put on a good clinic to explain why they have worst record in MLB. SFGiants say thank you.

Texas Rangers reliever Jeremy Jeffress was arrested in Dallas last night for alleged DUI. Okay, the guy is only making $519,000 this year, but shouldn’t that at least cover UberX?

A professor at Iowa is complaining that the school’s “Herky the Hawk” mascot is too angry looking and is an invitation to “aggressivity and even violence.” WTF? This gal better never get a job with Notre Dame and their Fighting Irish.

 

Colin Kaepernick’s accomplishment tonight – giving local sports fans reason to turn the channel to a fun #SFGiants game. #GBvsSF

Hawaii vs.Cal down under tonight. Aussies really enjoyed the game: “We get it, in American college football you don’t play defense.”

Dallas owner Jerry Jones said “it’s not good” about a TMZ video showing rookie Ezekiel Elliott at a marijuana dispensary the day of the Cowboys-Seahawks preseason game.
And really, what was Elliott thinking? You are supposed to send your posse to buy your pot.

Some talk that if Hunter Pence was still in right field last night in the 9th inning of the SF Giants Dodgers game, he might have dove for Corey Seager’s bloop single and saved Matt Moore’s no hitter. Or, the way this season has gone for the Giants lately, Pence might have landed on his collarbone, broken it, and been out for the year.

In Toronto, a man has been arrested for murder after allegedly killing 3 people- and injuring a 4th, in a seeming random rampage with a crossbow. Awful, but it WAS Canada. hence the crossbow.. Imagine if he lived in the US. #ifonlyhewasarmed

North Korea says it has successfully tested a submarine-launched missile, and Kim Jong Un says the U.S. mainland is now within striking range of his nuclear weapons. Meanwhile Dennis Rodman says he could still play in the NBA.

NJ Governor Chris Christie fired staffer Bill Stepien over Bridgegate, calling him “deceitful,” Now NBC reports Donald Trump has hired Stepien as his national field director “with a focus on voter turnout in the final months of the campaign.”
What does this really translate to, closing a few bridges in Democratic precincts?

Give the devil his due. I can’t stand Julian Assange of Wikileaks. But he has a point “‘from the point of view of an investigative journalist organization like WikiLeaks, the problem with the Trump campaign is that it’s actually hard for us to publish much more controversial material than what comes out of Donald Trump’s mouth every second day,”

Harold Bornstein, Trump’s doctor, wrote a note last fall declaring the Donald to be the “healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.” Today Bornstein said he wrote the note in 5 minutes.
Well, of course, because Trump has the bestest doctor ever, the fastest and bestest.

And the hits just keep on coming.

August 15, 2016

To show that they take domestic violence seriously, the Chicago Cubs fired an employee who played Prodigy’s song “Smack my bitch up” after Aroldis Chapman pitched yesterday. Guess the employee couldn’t throw a 100 mph fastball.

Michael Phelps says he is “‘Done, done, done – and this time I mean it,’ with swimming. And adds he wants to focus on his fiance and baby. Let’s see, the kid will hit the “terrible twos” in 2018. Should be plenty of time for Phelps to get back in the water for Tokyo 2020

Despite Santiago Casilla giving up a 3 run game winning home run with 2 outs in the 9th, SF Giants manager Bruce Bochy said if the team needed closer tonight it would be Casilla again. SFGiants fans thinking of asking for a dispensation to keep beer stands open into 9th.

Once again, the curse of ‪#‎Skeeter?  ‬. Missing ‪#‎MattDuffy‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬

 

All these “Breaking News” stories re silver & bronze medalists for women’s balance beam. Would be nice if they led with who won? ‪#‎USAUSAUSA‬

 

Some social media snark about the story that Bernie Sanders bought a big vacation lake house in Vermont for $575,000. No snark from California, where residents are still in shock “You can buy a house for $575,000?”

So they say the security scare that resulted in thousands of people being evacuated from JFK Airport last night may have simply been caused by a lot of really loud cheering for Usain Bolt.
Well, at least this year’s Yankees and Mets won’t be causing the same potential security problem

#‎RudyGiulaini‬ today – U.S. did not face “any successful radical Islamic terrorist attacks” before Obama took office ‪#‎NYCMayor‬ ‪#‎youhadonejob‬

South Carolina Rep. Mark Sanford said yesterday Donald Trump should release his tax returns because not doing so “would hurt transparency in our democratic process.” And then presumably Sanford went off again to hike the Appalachian trail.

Marc Ragovin thinks Trump will release his tax returns when Sanford releases his itineraries.

Think I’ve got this straight. When Trump says things that make his poll numbers go up, he is getting his message out. When Trump says things that make his poll numbers go down, it is the fault of the “disgusting and corrupt” media.

Ivanka Trump posted a picture on Instagram of herself on vacation in Dubrovnik with Wendi Murdoch, who is Vladimir Putin’s girlfriend. Now, heck, if they’re friends they’re friends. But imagine if Chelsea Clinton posted such a picture? Or if one of the Obama girls posted a picture with the daughter of a Muslim leader?

 

Regarding the picture of Trump’s daughter Ivanka Trump and Putin’s girlfriend Wendi Deng Murdoch, I  would understand their anger if paparazzi invaded their privacy. But Ivanka posted the vacation shot herself. ‪#‎WTF‬?

 

 

Trump today “Those who do not believe in our Constitution, or who support bigotry and hatred, will not be admitted for immigration into the country.”
And then did he reassure his supporters that none of them will be deported?

T.C ‘s comment on “Fox News’ Kimberly Guilfoyle said that Clinton and Barack Obama are “constantly making comments trying to bait Trump into saying something that will sidetrack him.”

“Lol, you only need bait when the fish aren’t jumping right into your boat!”

Get out the rake.

July 31, 2016

Madison Bumgarner today had a pinch-hit lead off double for the SF Giants.  Too bad manager Bruce Bochy doesn’t have more bench players who can hit like him. #PItcherswhorake

 

After Saturday’s SF Giants win manager Bruce Bochy was talking about deciding who to pinch hit: “Of course I’ve got Bumgarner on my left shoulder wearing me out”. And Bochy thought it was bad before today…

 

So at what point does some opposing pitcher write on wall of SFGiants visitor’s dugout “Do NOT throw fastballs to #40?”

 

The Chicago Cubs  put pitcher Travis Wood in left & he made a great catch against ivy at Wrigley. Uh, oh, hope Madison Bumgarner isn’t watching. He’ll want to play the outfield next.

Then in the bottom of the 12th, Jon Lester won it for the Cubs with a suicide squeeze. #Pitcherswhokindofrake?

 

 

Earlier today the Warriors’ Draymond Green posted a picture of his junk on Snapchat, then took it down about 10 min later “I kinda hit the wrong button and it sucks. It was meant to be private. We’re all one click away from placing something in the wrong place and I suffered from that this morning.”
Uh, “WE’RE all…?” ‪#‎Ifsocialmediaisoutlawedonlyoutlawswillhavesocialmedia‬?. Or more like ‪#‎Cantfixstupid‬

The Brewers are 15 games out in 4th place, and catcher Jonathan Lucroy just exercised no-trade clause to veto trade to the first place Indians. Maybe just as well for Cleveland, has anyone checked Locroy for concussions?.

The Yankees have traded Andrew Miller, effectively surrendering for the season. Time for ESPN really to focus on football

After tweets of hers from 2013-14 showed her repeatedly using the “N” word, Miss Teen USA, Karlie Hay, 18, apologized, saying “several years ago I had many personal struggles and found myself in a place that is not representative of who I am as a person.”
So, Ms. Hay is young, but is she aspiring to be a GOP speechwriter?

 

Waiting for the Trump excuse, “I alone can debate myself.”

Let me see if I have this right. Trump supporters believe parents of children who were killed accidentally by illegal immigrant drivers were onstage for the good of our country, but the parents of a Muslim-American who died in Iraq were telling their story only for political propaganda….

 

From T.C.  “Sign that I’m bringing to AT&T Park. Hunter Pence has read The Constitution!!”

Not so long ago?

May 27, 2016

Virginia McLaurin, 107, went to her first MLB game this week at Nationals Park. 107. Wow. To put this in perspective, Ms. McLaurin was born only two years after the Cubs won their last World Series.

Mets jump on Dodgers phenom Julio ‪#‎Urias‬, 19, for 3 runs in 2.2 innings. So is that considered child abuse?

SF Giants pitchers have had an incredible run over the past two weeks. Then a day off. Now a series at Coors Field. So it must sort of have felt like the victorious Christians felt before they had to face the Lions.

 

‪#‎MattCain‬ is apparently hurt. Is it too soon for the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ to talk to the ‪#‎Angels‬ about a trade for Timmy? ‪#‎Lincecum‬.

 

 

Albert Suarez may or may not have a long career for ‪#‎SFGiants‬. But he’s already joined club of ‪#‎Giants‬ pitchers with RBIs. ‪#‎PitchersWhoRake‬

Jackie Bradley Jr. went 0-4 last night, snapping his hit streak at 29 games. So he was only a little over a month away from potentially catching Dimaggio.

At the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art, someone left a  pair of glasses on the floor, and museum goers figured they were art.  Well, at least SFMOMA didn’t charge a special exhibition fee for them.

Link below. #nottheOnion

http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/art/news/a-pair-of-glasses-were-left-on-the-floor-at-museum-and-everyone-mistook-it-for-art-a7049551.html

 

Apparently Texas’s Nihar Janga, 11, one of the Scripps National Spelling Bee co-champions, has his own “X’ celebration display that mimicks Dez Bryant’s. And Janga went through the ritual while ignoring his co-champions attempt at a high-five.
Bryant wants to take the kid to a game. But isn’t it nice to know that in this country, now even nerds can be hot dogs. Sigh.

 

A new study shows a possible link between cell phone use and brain cancer. The survey could be flawed. Or it could be mean bitch karma being really tired of almost running into or being run into by all these idiots focused on their phones while walking, driving etc.

Marco Rubio confirmed his decision not to run for re-election to the Senate, citing the fact that he wouldn’t challenge his friend the GOP lieutenant governor who is already running. So Rubio doesn’t also want to challenge Rick Santorum’s record of losing his seat by 18 points?

Donald Trump now says he won’t debate Bernie Sanders because it would be “inappropriate.” Uh, can anyone remember a time when the Donald gave a rat’s ass about anything being “inappropriate?”

Trump is going to spend part of Sunday at the “Rolling Thunder” motorcycle rally in D.C. Hmm, this inspires a new potential nickname for the Donald – “Trolling Blunder.”

Donald Trump, in Fresno, patting himself on the back for coming to California ““No other Republican would come here for dinner.”
Surprised he didn’t add, “Not that we don’t have better restaurants at Trump Tower.”

 

 

Trump’s latest in California “There is no drought.” So is he going to have Mexico build walls to keep the rain in too?

Decisions, decisions

May 22, 2016

 

Thousands of San Francisco fans who went to the Giants Cubs game and felt bad about missing the ‪#‎Warriors‬ vs ‪#‎Thunder‬ are feeling a lot better about their decision

 

And a national ‪#‎ESPN‬ audience just found out why ‪#‎SFGiants‬ mantra is ‪#‎WedontneednostinkinDH‬ ‪#‎Madbum‬ ‪#‎Pitcherswhorake‬

Meanwhile, Buster Olney reported on ESPN that today was the latest date in the MLB season since 1947 for the Cubs and Giants to play each other with both teams in first place.  Once again, hope this isn’t a sign of the apocalypse.

But Billy Donovan works all year to get the Thunder focused.  And looks like – for now –  what it really took was Draymond Green’s kick to Steven Adam’s groin.

 

Dodgers win 9-5 in 17 innings over the Padres. San Diego then gets on a plane to San Francisco, where they play the Giants tomorrow.   Pitcher Drew Pomeranz is starting.  Assume he’s been told he’s pitching a complete game.

So is there a 17th inning stretch? ‪#‎Dodgers‬ ‪#‎Padres‬

Not to say Lebron flopped  Saturday night, but he fell faster and harder without a serious hit than Jeb Bush’s one-time poll numbers.

 

Still kind of a surfeit of riches in the SF Bay Area, with the Warriors and Sharks in the playoff semi-finals, and the Giants in first place. Fortunately for fans of humility, the 49ers’ training camp is right around the corner.

 

 

When I see all these ‪#‎GameofThrones‬ posts I understand how my non-sports fan friends must feel about all my sports posts.

 

A two-day sting in Simpsonville, S.C., netted 54 arrests, 28 accused prostitutes and 26 men accused of soliciting them. Simpsonsville has a population of about 20,000. There really must not be much to do in town.

Two Tennessee pastors were arrested this weekend for answering an online ad to have sex with an underage girl. So add another category to those we want to keep out of public bathrooms?

From T.C. “Phil Mickelson is planning to change that KPMG hat that he wears to KMPG – Keep My Personal Gains.”

 

Okay, time for one of those serious snarky posts again. Americans are nervous about terrorism, and we give up a lot of our liberties and spend billions for safety. Yet, in the U.S. last year, over 1,000 women were killed as a result of domestic violence. Where’s the fear, outrage, and $$$$?

And down the stretch they stumble

May 21, 2016

Today was the ‪#‎Preakness‬. Otherwise known to millions as the race  that answers the question. “Do we care about the ‪#‎Belmont‬ this year?”

#‎Exaggerator‬ wins the ‪#‎Preakness‬. Hope this isn’t an omen about ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬

Saturday’s rainy ‪#‎Preakness‬ Stakes had almost as much mud flying around as the Presidential race.

 

Now that ‪#‎Exaggerator‬ has won the ‪#‎Preakness‬ is he telling other horses about the ‪#‎Belmont‬ and his potential ‪#‎TripleCrown‬ win?

While the Preakness was a good race, the sad story at Pimlico was that two other horse died earlier at the track today, one from a heart attack after winning a race, one after falling and breaking her leg. But wonder how many people are decrying horse racing while taking another bite of their hamburger or hot dog.

The Oklahoma legislature is calling for the impeachment of President Obama over his bathroom rights directive, which they say is “biblically wrong.” Fine then, if it’s all about morals, shouldn’t they also be trying to get that “I’m just a girl who can’t say no” song out of their state musical? ‪#‎OklahomanotOK‬

Apparently some Americans are rethinking travel to Europe in the wake of 66 people being killed in the Egypt Air crash. So they’ll stay home and drive this summer, where about 3,000 of us will get killed each month on the roads.

Another day, more plumbing issues at O.co Coliseum before ‪#‎As‬ ‪#‎Yankees‬ game. Insert “sh*tty baseball teams” joke here”:

A Willie Mays 1952 Topps rookie card just sold for $478,000 at auction. And millions of men thinking of their own childhood collections are silently screaming “Mom!!”

 

Have many wonderful ‪#‎Cubs‬ fan friends. For some reason they are a little quieter today than yesterday. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

Matt Cain, who hadn’t had a win since last July, had his first win for the #SFGiants in 2016, along with his first hit, a two-run double. And the Giants hung on to win 5-3 So clearly the way Cain needs to win is simply supply his own RBIs.

Although closer Santiago Casilla,  who gave up a  home run to start the 9th in a a 5-2 game, once again did his best to stimulate alcohol sales around the San Francisco Bay Area. ‪#‎Torture‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬

In Santiago, two zoo lions were shot and killed after they mauled a man who jumped into their enclosure. Poor cats. And what a shame. Deprived the guy of a Darwin and the zoo of a reduced food bill.

And down the stretch they come.

May 7, 2016

Nyquist wins the Kentucky Derby. Hope confused fans don’t start throwing octopuses at him.

(Non-hockey fans, google “Red Wings” and “octopus.”)

Waiting for conservatives to complain the Kentucky Derby glorifies athletes who will succeed, then go have lots of out-of-wedlock children.

Hard to imagine sometimes we once had ‪#‎KentuckyDerby‬ telecasts without Tara Lipinski & Johnny Weir. ‪#‎matchmadeinheaven‬?

So many private jets at the ‪#‎KentuckyDerby‬ you’d think it was the GOP national convention.

#‎Walmart‬ says it is bringing back its “customer hosts” at the door. ‪#‎MakeAmericaGreetAgain‬?

 

Who’d a thunk that ‪#‎BartoloColon‬ would be certain to end the 2016 season with more home runs than ‪#‎PabloSandoval‬?

SF Giants have not said publicly if they have made an offer to Tim Lincecum. Of course, the way Cain and Peavy have been pitching, and now today’s game ending in the 13th, they may sign him only if he can start Monday.

Matt Duffy gets a walkoff hit in the 13th, as the Giants game finished 2 minutes before the NBA Western Conference semi-finals, thereby sparing millions of SF sports fans by minutes of having to decide between the SFGiants and the Warriors.

 

The Cubs in 2016 have a +101 run differential. To put this in perspective, the Yankees in 2016 have SCORED 100 runs.

You really cannot make this “stuff” up. A American Airlines commuter flight was delayed two hours because a University of Pennsylvania math professor was working on a differential equation, and a woman passenger thought he might be “a terrorist because he was writing strange things on a piece of paper.”
The professor, who is Italian, was questioned and the “allegations were found to be non-credible.” ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

Lauryn Hill was booed by fans in Atlanta after she showed up 2 hours late for a concert. She blamed it on her driver getting lost Gosh, if only someone could think of an invention to solve that kind of problem..

At a high school outside of Boston, someone hacked selfies that girls sent to their boyfriends, and apparently created some additional fakes, then posted up to 50 pictures on Dropbox. Once again, so thankful to have grown up in a pre-social media age.

 

Almost worth putting Elizabeth Warren on the Democratic ticket just for her comebacks. This tweet after Donald Trump said he was “driving her nuts “No, @realDonaldTrump – your racism, sexism & xenophobia doesn’t drive me nuts. It makes me sick. And I’m not alone”

Trump is attacking Hillary over Bill’s extra-marital affairs “She’s married to a man that got impeached for lying.” Right, and the Donald would never have lied to the American people. Only Ivanka, and Marla, and…..?’