Posted tagged ‘Gringrich jokes’

On and on…

October 26, 2016

4 hours & 4 minutes for 5-1 Chicago win. Good thing Cubs have plenty of fans because these first two World Series games  would not convert many to MLB

Blowout baseball games are really only fun to watch if you’re a fan of the team doing the blowing-out. Another reason Fox might consider showing more regular season games to create national rather than regional interest….

 

Just one game and one win, but tonight did Lakers get a taste of what it might have been like to have Kobe Bryant retire sooner?

Yoenis Cespedes has opted out of his #Mets contract and plans to test free agent market. Because 4 teams in 6 years wasn’t enough?

Looking at all these bundled-up players in 40 degree temperatures during the World Series makes me nostalgic for Candlestick Park.

A police report on the crash that took the life of Marlins pitcher Jose Fernandez found “a strong odor of alcohol” and evidence that whoever was driving the boat was speeding and driving with “recklessness” that was “exacerbated by the consumption of alcohol.”
Sad, really sad. But “I am shocked, said nobody.”

American is going to be the next major U.S. airline to start selling “Basic” economy fares – no changes, standby, seat assignments, etc. So how low can they go – the option to fly as cargo?.

Newt Gingrich tweeted today “‘For the record Megyn Kelly is wrong, I don’t have anger management issues. I do have media bias issues!” Wonder if he was shouting while he wrote it.

 

Story out of Australia is that two beautiful young women who were contestants on the “The Bachelor” did indeed find love. With each other. Hmm, if this becomes a thing might increase U.S. men’s viewership.

All of this “repeal and replace” about Obamacare that the GOP is spouting. Of course what they don’t spout is that they want to replace it with nothing.

 

 

 

Trump says he’s going to spend over $100 million on his campaign before election day. Has someone told him he can’t take this loss off his taxes?

Trump today “I will never, ever take the African-American community for granted — unlike Hillary.”‘
Okay but while the Donald castigates Hillary for what she didn’t do in the Senate, why, with all his decades-old business empire can Trump not name a thing he has done as far as minority hiring and other outreach?

 

Donald Trump said last week that “I will reverse Obama’s executive orders & concessions towards Cuba.” Meaning besides travel that Cuban rum & cigars will become illegal again. Forget sexual assault, racism, healthcare etc, this might be the “trump” card for Hillary to woo white men.

From Alex Kaseberg  “A youth football team was kicked out of its league in Rhode Island when they snuck a grown man into their lineup. Man, Johnny Manziel cannot catch a break.”

Folks I suppose became suspicious when the team beat the Browns.

From Paul Lander.  Indeed, the gift that keeps on giving:   “Happy 69th Birthday, @HillaryClinton. Don’t forget to send the Republican Party a thank you for the gift of nominating Trump.”

 

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A picture is worth at least 100 words…

July 20, 2012

So who’s the least plausible human here?

A scary thought, they’ve all written books.

 

According to the Freeh report, Penn State Board of Trustees Chairman Steve Garban was briefed at least twice about the Sandusky case but didn’t inform other board members. Today Garban resigned, saying the past months have been “some of the most painful of my life.” “I feel so sorry for him” – said absolutely no one.

 

 

NBA commissioner David Stern now says the league is looking to add revenue by permitting “small ” advertising patches on uniforms starting in the 2013-14 season. Translation, by 2020, Nascar move over.

Freudian? The Polynesian Cultural Center on Oahu is run by the Mormon church. On my smartphone emails from them show up abbreviated as “Polynesian Cult.”

Some conservatives love to say how almost 50 percent of Americans pay no federal income tax.

And at least in 2009 that number might have included a certain Presidential candidate….

Ann Romney on ABC News: “we’ve given all you people need to know” about the family’s finances. Guess this is her version of “Only the little people release tax returns.”

Former “24” star Kiefer Sutherland is now appearing in a new ad for Axe body spray. Will he now say, for example, that the spray will keep you “cool and confident” between 900p and 1000pm?

 

-Rumor has it that aspiring actress Yolanda Pecoraro, a Scientologist, may be the next Tom Cruise. Wonder if they’re just waiting for a couch and a contract.

 

From my friend Michael Hayne “Maybe Romney’s tax returns are on the roof of his car.” Personally I’m thinking maybe they were on the roof, but the dog ate them.

 

 

Actor Fred Willard, known for “Best in Show” and “Anchorman” has been arrested on suspicion of committing a lewd act at a Hollywood adult theater. (He was alone at the time.) Uh, why else would one go to an adult theater?

So Fred Willard was caught doing what I always presumed men went to adult theaters to do. Isn’t it nice to know the L.A.P.D. has crime so well in hand that they have time to take care of these things?

Forget the economy, weather and wars, here’s a real sign of the apocalypse: Of the five highest paid TV actresses, two are Kardashians – Kim ($18 million) and Khloe ($11 million.)

SF Giants today 1 for 8 with RISP (Runners in scoring position, ie, at second base or beyond.)  Which has been a problem for most of the season.    But okay, at 1 for 8,  should we really say “in scoring position?”  More like in “standing” or “stranding” position.

Riddle me this…

January 1, 2012

Why do Dallas Cowboys fans have the biggest flat screen televisions?

Because for years they haven’t had to waste money on playoff tickets.

And yes, for the third time in four years, the Dallas Cowboys will not be in the playoffs. No punchline, I just like writing this.

Newt Gingrich is now blaming his fall in the Iowa polls on being “Romney-boated.” After blaming his failure to get enough signatures to be on the Virginia ballot on a staffer’s fraud. If this GOP nomination thing doesn’t work out, Gingrich has a great chance of being hired to lobby for the California Whine Industry.

Contrary to popular belief God did not desert Tebow today. He just watched the Raiders play defense and decided to save His energy for a day Tim actually needed His help.

Rick Santorum, who is criticizing Romney in his TV ads for being too liberal, endorsed Mitt in the 2008 GOP presidential primaries as the “clear conservative candidate.” Who knew – Romney’s flip-flopping is turning out to be contagious.

How can Aaron Rodgers hope to win the MVP when he may not even be the best QB on his own team?

Newt Gingrich said Mitt Romney would buy the presidency if he could. And Mitt allegedly tried to bet him $10,000 that wasn’t true.

Okay, you know your team doesn’t have much of a football reputation when…. Overhead at San Francisco Airport, which is full of people in red – one pilot telling another “So much red, must be a lot of Wisconsin Rose Bowl fans.” Not exactly. Go Stanford Cardinal!

Locals in the Phoenix area seem very supportive of Stanford. But makes sense Cardinal/Cardinals, whatever…. they’re just pleased to see a team in red actually playing in the postseason.

Lebron James is engaged to his longtime girlfriend, Savannah Brinson, after proposing last night. Well, at least one of them now has a ring.

In Coventry, England, a display model of Apple’s Siri apparently told a child to “Shut the f*ck up” Many frequent travelers heard this story and hoped that’s what happens when you put the phone in airplane mode.

Send in the clowns.

December 16, 2011

Newt Gingrich believes people can choose to be straight, just like they can “choose to be celibate.” And somewhere Newt’s gay sister is thinking “Too bad you can’t choose your relatives.”

Newt Gingrich is referring now to Palestinians as an “invented people.” (Even though pictures have re-surfaced of Newt in 1993 embracing Yasser Arafat.) Well, at this point many people on both sides of the aisle consider Newt an “invented candidate.”

Ndamukong Suh walked out of a radio interview with the Detroit Lions’ station this week. Well, silver lining for the hosts, at least he didn’t stomp out.

Barbara Walters’ “Most Fascinating Person of 2011” turned out to be Steve Jobs, who died earlier this year. Although had Steve stlll been alive, sharing the stage and the list with the Kardashians might have killed him.


Newt Gingrich keeps talking how if he gets the GOP nomination, he will beat challenge President Obama by challenging him to seven three-hour debates. Really? In seven three-hour debates, Gingrich will undoubtedly change at least a position or two. If not a wife.

Rick Perry at tonight’s GOP debate compared himself to Tim Tebow. And a voice from the heavens boomed down – “Governor, I know Tim Tebow, Tim Tebow is a friend of Mine, and Governor, you’re no Tim Tebow.”


Chris Paul at a news conference today – “I’m excited to be here in L.A. with this unbelievable franchise with so much history behind it.” So does Paul think that given the Clippers’ history there is nowhere to go but up? Or does he think he was traded to the Lakers.

Chicago Bears WR Sam Hurd was arrested Wednesday night and apparently will be charged with serious drug dealing. Guess he found it tough feeding his family on only $685 thousand a year.

Another you cannot make this “stuff” up quote from Christine O’Donnell as to why she endorsed Mitt Romney: “because he’s been consistent since he changed his mind.” (And John Kerry said, why didn’t I think of that?)

Rick Perry on fidelity “I didn’t make a vow just to my wife. I also made a vow to God. I’m afraid of my wife. I’m not afraid of my wife as much as I’m afraid of God.” Just the kind of romantic declaration every woman wants to hear.

If you thought Jerry Sandusky’s 1st lawyer was bad, how the newest member of the defense team Karl Rominger? Who said in his client’s defense “Teaching a person to shower at the age of 12 or 14 would sound strange to some people, but actually people who work with troubled youth would tell you that there are a lot of (them) who have to be taught basic life skills, like how to put soap on your body.” Blech. Again, makes me want to take a shower, or rather bath.

Holiday note to parents whose children like to kick the seats on planes. Put you or your spouse (or a sibling) in the seat in front of them. Peace on Earth. Or at least in the Air.

Outside the lines:

March 10, 2011

Baylor’s freshman star basketball player Perry Jones was declared ineligible because his mother got (and repaid) three, 15-day loans from an AAU coach when Jones was in high school. So, see, the NCAA can actually enforce their own rules. As long as the team involved is not in the Top 25 or the SEC. (And isn’t the USC Trojans.)

Stanford’s mens basketball team was bounced from the Pac 10 tournament tonight, 69-67 by Oregon State. At one point in the first half the Cardinal was 3 for 30 from the field. With that kind of shooting skill I presume they got a half time congratulatory call from Dick Cheney.

Internships.com said Wednesday that 74,040 people have applied to Sheen’s internship position since he posted it Monday. No doubt about 74,039 already are fantasizing about the money they will make from the tell-all book they will write afterwards.

Lebron James was quoted as saying after Miami’s latest loss “Crazy thing is, we could lose every game and still make the playoffs in the Eastern Conference.” So is that the Heat’s secret plan?

Illinois has abolished the death penalty. Apparently they feel that just sentencing inmates to life without parole and watching Cubs games is punishment enough.

Milwaukee Brewers pitcher Zack Greinke will probably begin the season on the disabled list after breaking a rib in a collision going for the ball a pickup basketball game. We all know white men can’t jump. Sounds like they shouldn’t try to rebound either.

A Missouri high school teacher lost her job after it was discovered she was a porn star over two decades ago.  Yeah, with a scandalous past how was she thinking that she could get away with being a teacher?  Run for office on a GOP family values platform maybe.

Speaking of which, Newt Gingrich is now partly blaming the fact that he cheated on both of his first two wives, (and divorced them when they had cancer and MS respectively)  because he loved his country too much.

 “There’s no question at times of my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate.”

Kind of makes you wonder what would happen with that “passionate” caring  if Newt had a really stressful job, like being President?

 To paraphrase Madame Alvarez in the movie “Gigi” – this might be the LEAST “charming and endearing excuse for infidelity I have ever heard”