Posted tagged ‘Miami Heat jokes’

Water world.

July 3, 2014

A Qantas flight from Los Angeles to Melbourne had to turn back when a pipe burst, sending a river of water rushing through the plane. On United they would have just kept going and charged a swimming pool fee.

 

Qantas may be changing their pre-flight briefing.  “In case of rushing water in the aisle, passengers wishing to use the restroom may use their seat cushion as a flotation device.”

Silver lining about all these religious universities whose beliefs are so pure they don’t want the government involved in their health insurance – it will save taxpayer money because they won’t want tainted government funds for their research grants and student loans, right? #wecandream

Apparently the #WorldCup television ratings have been higher than those of the NBA finals. #Betterflopping?

 

All these NBA players working so hard to see if they can end up on teams together… If they spent as much effort actually working on playing as a team together maybe some of these prima donnas would have a better chance for a ring.

 

SportsCenter Breaking News “Lebron James agent meets with multiple teams.” “Lakers and Knicks offer max to Carmelo.” This isn’t an NBA off-season, it’s a bad mini-series of “The Dating Game.”

#SFGiants manager Bruce Bochy says he will drop Blanco – 10 for 59 since Pagan got hurt- down in the batting order “until he gets his swing.” Uh, except what if 10 for 59 IS his swing?

 

Overheard around U.S water coolers today. “Hey, do you know when the next World Cup games are?” “No, me neither.”

Hillary Clinton said in a BBC interview that she’s “grateful” she forgave Bill over Monica Lewinsky. “Forgiveness is a choice, and I fully respect those who don’t make that choice for whatever reason in their personal or professional lives .But for me, it was absolutely the right choice.” So where’s the applause from “family values” conservatives?

Stay classy Mississippi. GOP State Sen. Chris McDaniel is offering a $1,000 ‘reward’ for evidence of voter fraud by Senator Thad Cochran, who beat him in the Republican Primary. In this case the “Big Tent” is more like a cover over a boxing ring.

The economy added 288,000 jobs in June and the unemployment rate fell to 6.1% – the lowest it’s been since September 2008. Time for the GOP to call another hearing on Benghazi.

From an anonymous friend “Next up: SCOTUS declares the Universal Suffrage Amendment unconstitutional because “it wasn’t in the original Constitution, so the Founding Fathers didn’t want it”. Cave paintings at 11″

From Bill Littlejohn  “Food and drink will be delivered to 49er fans at the new Levi’s Stadium via GPS tracking.  Maybe they might reconsider Apple Maps, however, as a couple of construction workers there, however, report that recently their lunches were sent into San Francisco Bay”

Continuing Heat wave?

June 6, 2014

San Antonio says they have fixed the air conditioning after a sweltering game 1 at A T & T Center. Considering the result, have they fixed it at a constant 90 degrees? #Spurs

 

Lebron James says “I know I’m the easiest target that we have in sports, I’m aware of it.” And A-Rod responded “Who am I, chopped liver?”

 

Bud Selig twice referred yesterday to the of the 20014 MLB Draft. 20014? Maybe the commissioner was confused. That’s when his Blue Ribbon Committee will make a decision on the proposed move of the Oakland As..

Rashad McCants, who as a junior was a member of UNC’s championship men’s basketball team, says that tutors wrote his papers and he took ‘bogus” classes to stay eligible during his three years at the university. Gosh,at least Calipari’s “one-and-dones’ only fake their way through one semester.

J.Lo and Casper Smart have split up. Wonder if she left him for a younger man?

John McCain is loudly criticizing President Obama’s deal to release Bowe Bergdahl. Which is particularly interesting considering that Senator McCain himself was part of a POW swap by Richard Nixon. #memoryisthefirstthingtogo

 

Friday was the 70th anniversary of #DDay, the invasion of Normandy. For many college football players not to be confused with days when they found they barely avoided “F”s in class.

 

An analyst says the New York Knicks could now be worth $3 billion. Could you imagine how much the team might be worth if they could actually make the playoffs?

 

A Ghana witch doctor says he put a spell on Portugal star Cristiano Ronaldo and caused his thigh injury. Yeah, well if the witch doctor is really good let’s see if he can get Ghana out of the World Cup first round…..

 

 

The first tweet from @CIA -“We can neither confirm nor deny that this is our first tweet.” Waiting for some GOP House member to call this a time wasting exercise and blame it on Obama.

 

A San Antonio area school district is upsetting some parents by banning children from bringing sunscreen to school or on field trips. Sunscreen is considered a toxic substance. Wonder if it’s okay if kids bring something harmless instead, like guns.

(My friend Jeff Klein adds “Tan your Ground.”)

 

Richard Sherman beat out Cam Newton in online voting at ESPN.com and so will be on the cover of the new “Madden NFL 15” video game. Which could be good news, for Panthers and 49ers fans.

A Seattle Pacific University student monitor who pepper-sprayed the gunman and tackled him is being hailed as a hero. Out of habit the NRA responded, “if only he had been armed.”

Regarding this Super Bowl Arabic-Roman numbering issue, Marty says he’s looking forward to  “World Series CVIII.”

Midsummer classic?

June 18, 2013

You know a season might have gone on too long when you hear the term #MidsummerClassic and think possible #NBA finals game 7.

The makers of Oreos have come out with a new watermelon flavored Oreo with pink and green fillings. “We think (it’s) a fun summer creme flavor that goes great with our Golden Oreo cookie,” a spokeswoman said. Here’s an idea, how about if you like watermelon flavor you pair your cookies with actual FRUIT.

And who had this… as of right now Justin Verlander has the fourth best ERA of Detroit Tigers’ starters. Behind   Doug Fister, Anibal Sanchez , and Max Scherzer.

Chris Christie says his favorite baseball team is the NY Mets. Makes some sense. Their performance usually guarantees he will look good by comparison.

Dick Cheney says that after his heart transplant says he now wakes up each morning “with a smile on my face, thankful for the gift of another day I never expected to see.” Wonder if he’s privately thinking, if I knew I’d have felt this good, I’d have shot a potental donor a long time ago.

Brilliant NBA finals half-time analysis: If the Heat don’t play better in the second half they are going to lose. Uh, considering the Spurs were up six at half, a pretty good guess.

Gosh, a no call on a Heat foul on Manu Ginóbili driving for a potential game winner? Who’d a thunk that might happen in Miami?

#NBAFinals referees. Combining the accurary of MLB umps with the integrity of Olympic figure skating.

The NY Yankees and LA Dodgers are playing an interleague series. What were SF Giants fans rooting for? Presumably rain.

(Which they got  – a rainout.  Though Bill Schmarzo suggests “No, a 45 inning extra game where they blow the arms of all their relievers.”)

Birthers, they’re baaack……This time it’s South Carolina GOP Rep. Jeff Duncan questioning Obama’s birth certificate and thus the “President’s validity.” Although no doubt Duncan has no problem with Ted Cruz, who Republicans say is “natural-born” enough because he was born in Canada to a mother who was a U.S. citizen.

 

My friend Howard Fox notes:   “Kim Kardashian’s daughter already has one thing in common with her mom. She’s famous for absolutely nothing.”

My thought  –  So how long until Kim leaks the birth tape as a 2 DVD set with her sex tape?

#Funwithstats    In 2012, Texas and Florida were the top two states for guns seized at airports by TSA, with 255 and 129 respectively. Although the highest totals at individual airports were Atlanta with 97 and DFW with 80. Phoenix, a much smaller airport, was 3rd with 54. But as Arizona says “We try harder.”

San Jose is suing MLB over the league’s endless delays on a vote about the Oakland A’s moving to their city. Wonder if Bud Selig will assemble a team of “blue ribbon” lawyers to fight the suit.

All you baseball fans on the East Coast, you are missing the late-night emergence of the Giants’ Juan Perez…. 4 outfield assists in a handful of games, one game-winner taken away by Venable’s catch last night, one 3-2, 2 out hit in the 8th to give SF the lead…. Puig who?

And we wonder why Congress has 10% approval ratings. Speaker John Boehner says “I don’t see any way of bringing an immigration bill to the floor (for a vote) that doesn’t have majority support of Republicans.” And yet, he and the GOP will have a vote today on a bill banning abortions after 22 weeks that will not make it through the Senate, and which Obama would veto anyway.

A serious thought for a change. Wonder how much of the mess in this country we could be fixed by getting rid of gerrymandered Congressional borders. It’s not just that the Democrats won 1.4 million more House votes in 2012, it’s that right now House members only have to please their carefully engineered safe districts and have no incentive to compromise.

Better late than never?   

June 3, 2013

So we have long learned that most NBA teams don’t show up for what they perceive as meaningless regular season games. Did the Miami Heat put the first six games of the Eastern Conference Finals in that category?

 

The Los Angeles Angels just got swept by the Houston Astros. Even Dodgers fans are sympathetic.

More than 110 MLB players were granted exemptions to use Adderall in 2012. Out of 750. Percentage of U.S. children estimated to have ADHD? Between 3 and 7% Just sayin’

Someone posted a picture of a so-far-unnamed Taco Bell employee licking a stack of taco shells. Going to be interesting to see what he fills in under that “why did you leave your last job.” section of his next employment application.

Quote from tonight’s “Bachelorette” about her group date: “I’ve never (before) had to juggle 14 men in my entire life.” Guess this makes her the temporary female equivalent of an NBA player.


 

Chris Christie has a tough choice in appointing a Senator to replace Frank Lauterberg, who passed away today. If Christie chooses Cory Booker, he helps a potential future rival, if he chooses a Republican he alienates his mostly Democratic state. The ideal choice, a popular New Jersey resident who won’t run in 2014…. Hey, Snooki is available.

Another thought about that New Jersey seat. Who can #ChrisChristie pick for New Jersey Senate with bipartisan support? What about #BruceSpringsteen? #TheBossforSenate

Grizzlies coach Lionel Hollins said today in an interview that he doesn’t want to coach anywhere else. “I believe in Memphis. I love Memphis. I don’t have any intention of going anywhere.” Translation, no one’s offered me enough money to change my mind yet.

Jason #Kidd is retiring from the #NBA. Guess he wants to spend more time with his grandchildren.

I don’t watch “Game of Thrones,” but I do know that it’s based on a 13 year old book. Judging by the outrage I’m reading about tonight’s episode I’m guessing maybe folks were shocked by the movie ending of “The Great Gatsby” too?

Okay, this is sick, but inspired by my friends Chris Eisenberg and Andrew Robinson’s posts, how many parents who remember when their children were young would have loved to see a “Red Wedding” episode on “Barney?”

Dunkin’ Donuts is adding a doughnut breakfast sandwich with fried eggs and bacon to their national menu this Friday. Maybe it’s all part of a “Keep Social Security Solvent” plan. The more Americans eat the sandwich, the less of them will live long enough to collect Social Security.

Newest game played at #Zynga?

“Words on Resumes With Friends”?

No one has come forward to claim the $590 million Powerball prize won two weeks ago in Florida. Which means someone could be still trying to get their future life organized, or maybe the winner is a senior who already forgot that he or she played.

Republican congresswoman Marsha Blackburn says that women don’t want guaranteed equal pay laws. “They want to be able to have the power and the control and the ability to make those decisions for themselves.” Uh, right, what about when the decision is “take it or leave it?”



Guilty, guilty, guilty.

June 23, 2012

Jerry Sandusky will probably be assigned to the geriatric unit of a minimum security prison. We can only hope it’s not solitary confinement.

Jerry Sandusky’s lawyer told reporters today he would be shocked and “die of a heart attack” if the ex-coach were acquitted on all counts. Heck, after hearing the testimony, he’s probably shocked Sandusky even got bail.

You can’t make this stuff up, Friday edition: A 46 yr. old mom was sentenced to probation, parenting classes and banned from Nordstrom’s for leaving her 11 wk old twins in the car while she returned purchases. The part you can’t make up, her job is program director at the Bay Area Surrogacy Program, providing professional advice to new parents.

Well, at least the Jerry Sandusky verdict got Lebron and the Heat off the sports front page.

And for that matter,  “poor” Rielle Hunter.   The Sandusky verdict Friday night made it a bad weekend for to be a media whore on a book tour.

Rielle Hunter is saying she has no regrets about her affair with John Edwards. Duh. The woman is so publicity and money hungry, she’s been made an honorary Kardashian.

 

Charlie Sheen, who is returning to television in FX’s new “Anger Management,” says It’s “I’m done playing a drunken, womanizing, immature character. This time I’m playing an adult.” But enough about his life, what’s the show about?

Mary Cheney married her longtime partner Heather Poe today. Fox News is trying to figure out how to blame this on Obama.

The Heat partied until 6am at the Fountainebleau Hotel after their championship win last night. No wonder Miami was so set on winning at home. Only place open until 600a in Oklahoma City probably is an IHOP.

Some are saying that this year’s NBA finals mark the beginning of a long rivalry between the Oklahoma City Thunder and the Miami Heat. Meanwhile in Seattle and Cleveland they’re joining together for the NBA version of the “First Wives Club.”

 

The NBA season is over.

June 22, 2012

As the Heat won the championship.  The 2012-13 preseason starts Friday.

Back briefly to football….

Ryan Leaf said at his sentencing “I’m lazy, selfish and dishonest.” Was he talking about why he should be sent to prison, or announcing a future run for Congress?

Lebron James, 27, said of winning his first NBA championship “It’s about damn time.” And Jason Kidd, 39, who won his first with Dallas last year, responded “Kid, get off my damn court.”

You could tell the Miami Heat felt they had the game and the series well in hand – they put in a white guy.

And there were signs that it was clearly Miami’s day to grab the headlines.   Even starting this morning across the country as the temperature hit 100 degrees in places, people were saying.  “I just can’t stand the Heat.”

David Ortiz said of Boston “It’s starting to become the s—hole that it used to be,” and complained that there’s too much media-driven drama. Well that ought to quiet things down….

 

 

According to EW, American Idol season 11 runner-up Jessica Sanchez, 16, will appear in several episodes of the upcoming season of Glee. Wow. An actual teenager on the high-school show.

A Texas grand jury declined to press charges against a father who killed a man he found molesting his 5 year old daughter. Offers are also pouring for the guy to have an all-expense paid trip to State College, PA.

Just when you thought it couldn’t get any grosser. Jerry Sandusky’s adopted son, Matt Sandusky, said through his lawyer today that he finally told prosecutors this week that his adoptive father molested him too….. This guy gives douchebags a bad name.

An East Coast man is being treated this morning for a bullet wound to the penis. Unfortunately, it isn’t Jerry Sandusky.

Tampa Bay Rays reliever Joel Peralta has been suspended eight games for having a foreign substance found on his glove. “Amateur,” sniffed Gaylord Perry.

Twitter was offline for an hour Thursday morning. The horror. Millions of Americans were actually forced to resort to updating their Facebook pages. (Or even worse, actually work.)

Kris Humphries is now reportedly claiming that Kris Jenner told her daughter Kim Kardashian’s to make her sex tape. Oh come on, what kind of a publicity hungry monster mom would you have to be to….oops, never mind.

Two prosecutors in Illinois have refused to defend the state’s gay marriage ban. So where’s the applause from small-government types for their decision not to waste taxpayer dollars?

Jon Gosselin, who wanted to shun the spotlight and fame, has now given an interview to People Magazine apologizing for behaving badly to his ex-wife Kate. Hmm, sounds like someone has decided he misses his “15 minutes.”

Despite Plaxico Burress’s professed interest in playing for the Carolina Panthers, a source reportedly told the Charlotte Observer that the team isn’t interested. But Burress is so talented, surely someone will take a shot at him?

Not standing the Heat.

June 10, 2012

Miami defeated Boston in the Eastern Conference Finals Saturday night.   Interesting phenomenon in this series. Most of America was rooting for the Celtics, and most of those rooting for the Heat were just doing so in hopes of seeing the Thunder beat them in the finals.

As my friend Tony Alan Banks said, “I  just felt a thud and heard a sound. I think it was America jumping on the Oklahoma City bandwagon.”

Ben Roethlisberger and his wife of a year Ashley, are apparently expecting a son. The Steelers QB announced this on his website, saying “It is truly a blessing and we are so excited!” Especially since the baby isn’t a girl, so Ben won’t have to warn the child “Stay away from men like Daddy.” –

 

What’s a bigger shock this weekend, that the Washington Nationals are on the verge of sweeping the Boston Red Sox.  Or that so far in 2012, the Nationals are unquestionably the better team.

Spain is the latest Eurozone country that looks to be in need of a bailout.  Maybe what President Obama REALLY should have done with this mess of an economy is have the U.S. join  the  Euro and then cry for help?

Not that I’m a boxing fan, but from what I read tonight’s welterweight boxing split decision win of Timothy Bradley over Manny Pacquiao was controversial enough many think the U.S. Supreme Court had to be involved.

Regarding New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s plan to ban large sugary drinks – wonder if he hopes to have it in place in time for the July 4 Nathan’s hot dog eating contest? –

The Devils have forced game 6 against the Kings? Most Americans hearing this are asking “Is this some sort of religious competition?”

Mitt Romney keeps talking about throwing President Obama out of office because he hasn’t fixed the economy in 3 1/2 years. But how about this quote: “Most turnarounds in American industry are anywhere between four and five years. And we’re at the beginning of the journey, not the end of the journey.” From that noted liberal Meg Whitman, now at HP.

Now that “I’ll Have Another” is out of the Belmont Stakes, who was the favorite? Yeah, alas I didn’t care either.

Union Rags ended up winning the Belmont Stakes today in a time of 2 minutes, 30 42/100 seconds. Over six seconds behind Secretariat’s 1973 2 min 24 second record and one of the slower Belmont’s ever. If the 3 year olds weren’t all male, you might have thought they stopped to ask for directions.

Regarding Mitt Romney’s anti-Obama comment “He says we need more firemen, more policemen, more teachers. Did he not get the message of Wisconsin? The American people did. It’s time for us to cut back on government and help the American people.” Uh, wonder if Mitt has a private security and fire force for his mansion?

And we wonder how the “dumb jock” label got started. Denver Broncos LB D.J. Williams tweeted a picture of his digital playbook: The picture revealed several defensive formations. (Apparently a team official called him and the tweet was removed.)

Close?

June 6, 2012

At the time of writing this post, California’s Proposition 29, which would put an additional tax on cigarettes and other tobacco products,  is too close to call.

Or, as cash-strapped smokers  may be saying if the tax passes, “Close,  but no cigar.”

Whatever the outcome in Calfornia, as has been true in other states, turnout was so low you’d almost think voters think our politicians are spending someone else’s money.

The Boston Celtics beat the Heat in Miami Tuesday night 94-90.  Most Floridians haven’t been this disappointed since a local Denny’s ended their “Early Bird Special” 10 minutes early.

So much flopping in these NBA playoffs I’m wondering when the refs will start handing out red and yellow cards.

Jury selection is underway for former Penn State football coach Jerry Sandusky’s child sex abuse trial. Assume jurors will get, along with their stipends, a voucher for a daily hot shower.

A U.S. official says a drone strike in Pakistan’s has killed al-Qaida’s #2. Wonder who will be the first in the GOP to blame Obama?

The #2 title in al-Qaida may be the only position with less job security than being named Oakland Raiders’ head coach.

Wonder how many people are unfriending the friends who suggested they buy Facebook stock?

A recent survey says most Facebook users disregard advertising on the site. Facebook has ads?  –

Fans of the Los Angeles Kings, who have won the first games of the Stanley Cup, 2-1, 2-1 and 4-0, taunted New Jersey Devils fans with large cardboard cutouts of Jersey Shore stars. Was that really appropriate? The Jersey Shore cast members are at least known for their scoring.

 

Manny Ramirez’s 50 game suspension is over, but even with a third of the MLB season finished the Oakland A’s don’t have a timetable to bring him up from Triple A. Undaunted, Manny says he still expects to make a big contribution in the season’s second trimester.

Mitt Romney said his personal Hotmail email account was hacked, after someone guessed the name of his favorite pet.

Okay, Mitt wants us to trust him to be the leader of the free world and lead us through tough times, and the man still uses Hotmail and an easy password?

Rush Limbaugh is attacking Barack Obama’s ads that offer supporters a chance to win dinner with the Pres, his wife, Sarah Jessica Parker and Anna Wintour. Saying “The whole thing is a fraud. Anna Wintour is not interested what (the winners) have to think, neither is Obama or Michelle or Sarah Jessica.” Uh, as opposed to Mitt Romney and Donald Trump when they did their contest?

ABM

June 4, 2012

Nice win for the Boston Celtics in OT tonight. As they take over the temporary mantle of “America’s ABM Team.” (“Anyone But Miami.”)

 

Two Ohio State football players were arrested Saturday night on charges of “obstructing official business.” (Apparently this involved public urination and running from police.)    Well, looks like coach Urban Meyer is well on his way to repeating  his record at the University of  Florida.  (31 Gators arrested in 6 years.)

Actor Jason Alexander said on CBS’s Late Late Show that he considers cricket a “gay” sport. Today he apologized saying that conversations with his gay friends led him to realize his insensitivity, and that at first he didn’t grasp why some might object to the comment. Really? If true Alexander may not be bigoted, but he sure is stupid.

Okay, time for another question where the ulltimate response is “Okay, all of you liars put your hands down.” As we head into June, how many baseball fans had Barry Zito with as many wins, and fewer losses, than Justin Verlander?

Barry Zito, now 5-2 with a 2.98 ERA (Really.), was married over the winter. So maybe he’s proving Casey Stengel’s old adage. “Being with a woman all night never hurt no professional baseball player. It’s staying up all night looking for a woman that does him in.”

Joe Biden’s daughter Ashley was married Saturday. Dad should be finishing up his toast to the happy couple any time now.

All these headlines about “Desperate Housewives” star Kathyrn Joosten dying. I and no doubt others would probably rather see “R.I.P Mrs. Landingham.

Richard Dawson, the first host of Family Feud, has died at 79. Services are pending, once his relatives find out the answers to “What are the most importnat things to have at a funeral?”

Former Oklahoma State University state and Jacksonville Jaguars top pick Justin Blackmon is in jail this morning after an “aggravated DUI” charge. Stanford fans are thinking, what a shame, especially that it couldn’t have happened the night before the Fiesta Bowl.

Hugh Hefner and former fiancee Crystal Harris are back together, about a year after Crystal called off their wedding at the last minute. Guess the 86 year old Hef is the forgiving sort, either that or he just doesn’t remember being dumped.

Regarding that Phoenix mom who drove off with her baby in a car seat on the car’s roof,  Mark Ricklis says “Willard said he did not see any problem with the her travel arrangements.”

Can’t stand the Heat?

May 17, 2012

Thought about the GOP going after President Obama’s connection with Jeremiah Wright: Is it really a good idea for to make religion an issue when your candidate’s great grandfather had five wives?

(Personally,  if someone was a genuine witch (or warlock) and could fix the economy, support education, and protect my rights, I’d be okay with that. :-))

Only silver lining if the Heat look as bad in the next few games as they have against the Pacers so far: Lebron James won’t have to deal with the fourth quarter choking taunts in the finals.

Truest words Mitt Romney ever spoke? In response to being asked about comments he made earlier this year about Obama and Jeremiah Wright, Mitt said “I stand by what I said, whatever it was.”

 

American Idol finalists  announced tonight.    But all the last three probably got more votes than either Romney or Obama will get in November.

An autopsy report apparently showed evidence of marijuana in Trayvon Martin’s system after he was shot. Uh, okay, wouldn’t that make him LESS likely to be aggressive and violent? (And it’s not like Zimmerman tried something like taking his Doritos.)

So are the DJ’s playing “Last Dance” in heaven tonight? One of the best dance songs ever, for those of us youngsters of a certain age. R.I.P. Donna Summer.

Is it too soon to retitle them the Miami “Not so Hot?”

Final arguments today in the John Edwards trial. Will be interesting….leaving the legal issues aside, can you convict someone for being a douche bag?

For the first time ever in the U.S., more children were born to minorities than non-Hispanic caucasians last year. Wonder if this finally might change some Republicans’ stance against birth control.

For the first time ever in the U.S., more children were born to minorities than Caucasians last year. Wonder if this finally might change some Republicans’ stance against birth control.

The NCAA is looking at overhauling rules to provide “stronger, more predictable penalties” for violations, including possible fines for a university up to five percent of its annual athletic budget. Is this known internally as the SEC tax?

SF Giants beat St. Louis Cardinals today 7-5. More amazing than the seven runs? The fact that the three errors today were all in the Cardinals column.

Decision 2012?

March 5, 2012

Some chatter because when ABC showed Lebron James on Sunday entering the Staples Center, James was carrying a large leather “man-purse.” Well, at least Lebron didn’t have a one-hour special showing him shopping for it.

Deron Williams scored a New Jersey Nets franchise record 57 points tonight. But maybe there should be a asterisk. The game was against the Charlotte Bobcats.

More than a little hypocrisy in some NFL teams acting all upset about New Orleans bounty program because they would “never” do the same thing. And have to think that before his turnaround 2011 season, some 49ers fans might have paid the Saints to go after Alex Smith too.

Several GOP candidates have come out with very soft criticism of Rush Limbaugh’s “slut” comment. Prompting this reaction “It was depressing because what it indicates is that the Republican leaders are afraid of (him). They want to bomb Iran, but they’re afraid of Rush Limbaugh.” From that noted liberal icon George Will.

Ron Paul on Rush Limbaugh’s apology to Sandra Fluke for calling her a “slut.” He’s doing it because some people were taking their advertisements off of his program. It was his bottom line he was concerned about. “I don’t think he’s very apologetic. It’s in his best interest, that’s why he did it.” Now, I’m not voting for Paul, but if he decides to retire from Congress, and host an honest talk show, I’ll watch any time.

Kentucky has won the SEC and no doubt a #1 seed in the March Madness tournament. The two big questions – so can they get to the Final Four? And if so, will they be the third Calipari team to do so and have their wins vacated?

The SF Giants won a split-squad spring training game 11-1 against the Arizona Diamondbacks, after a 41 minute delay caused by a swarm of bees. 11-1? After last year’s offense? Let’s just hope that MLB doesn’t classify bees as PEDs.

Worst thing about watching Kobe and the Lakers take on Lebron James and the Heat – they can’t both lose.

A Philadelphia man who has been using a cell phone jammer to interrupt conversations on city buses has apparently put the device away after learning he could face fines and jail time. But I’ll bet they are lining up to offer him a job as a consultant for movie theaters.

Japanese equestrian Hiroshi Hoketsu just qualified for the London Olympics at age 70. Japanese officials, however, have not yet decided if he will compete. But how many people would tune in just to hear him yell “You punks get off my field.”

Okay, following the Lindsay Lohan/SNL complaint post yesterday, decided to be positiv and mention some all-time favorite SNL characters, skits and lines. For starters, loved Rosanne Rosannadana, Tina Fey’s Sarah Palin, Schweddy balls, and Point-Counterpoint – “Jane, you ignorant slut.”

Also “Toonces” the driving cat, “two wild and crazy guys,” Conehead family feud, church lady, Sully and Denise….. more suggestions encouraged in comments.

Two plus hour delays to reach the new United Airlines by phone Sunday. The airline message says “If you’re not flying in the next 72 hours, please call back later. If you are flying in the next 72 hours, you’re SOL.” (Or with luck have a book or game that’s not attached to your phone.

The Heat is on.

February 24, 2012

So the Heat, feeling disrespected, decided to put on a show against Jeremy Lin and won 102-88. Miami fans are thinking, uh, can we light this fire under the team when it actually matters, like in the playoffs?

Dolphin fans have started a “Manning to Miami” billboard campaign. Makes sense, at this point they’re desperate for a superstar who makes a habit of showing up when it counts in the fourth quarter.

Speaking of heat: President Obama spoke Thursday at University of Miami, where it was 83-degrees. And he loved the weather, saying “I don’t know how you guys go to class. It’s too nice outside.” And Miami football players responded “class?”

By a 2-1 vote, MLB’s arbitration panel overturned Ryan Braun’s 50 game suspension for PEDs. No reason was given. Two possibilities: Braun does play for Selig’s old team, the Milwaukee Brewers, and he’s not Barry Bonds.

Braun apparently won his 2-1 case on a technicality. That while no one actually alleged tampering, his defense made much of the fact that the tester kept the sample at his home for a night before sending it in. So did Ryan hire some of O.J’s old defense team?

I see a new FedEx commercial. “When someone’s pee in a cup positively has to be there overnight.”

All this talk about what the Founding Fathers meant when they wrote the Constitution. Uh, does anyone want to address the fact that in the 18th century none of them could imagine a time when women could vote?

Another thought about our Founding Fathers: Thomas Jefferson spoke five languages – Latin, Greek, Spanish, Italian, French, and some Indian dialects. Forget what “rights” he intended. With that kind of background, these days the guy wouldn’t have made it through the Presidential primaries.

Florida Senator Marco Rubio, who talks about his Catholic roots, also attends a Southern Baptist megachurch, and apparently was a Mormon as a child. Will his next theme song on the campaign trail be “Losing my Religion?”

Roy Oswalt, a free agent, is now telling major league clubs he may not sign and return to play until midseason. Gosh, how will he feed his family?

Pittsburgh Pirates president Frank Coonelly was charged with four counts after a DUI arrest Dec. 22: Drunken driving, careless driving, driving with a blood-alcohol content of at least twice the .08 limit, and driving the wrong way. The last count may refer not to his driving, but what he’s doing to the franchise.

In a new poll just released, California was the least popular state in the United States. In related news, it’s 70 degrees in Northern California Thursday, over 80 in parts of Southern California, while Chicago and Denver have major airport delays due to snow…..

As we head into March, President Obama is honing his re-election strategy. In an ideal world he’d just get the GOP candidates to have weekly debates.

Bi-partisan serious statemnt: For any United frequent fliers who weren’t having enough stress in their lives, the airline has just sent out a message saying everyone’s Mileage Plus numbers will disappear on March 3, and be replaced by their Continental number. (I wish this were a joke, stand by for United jokes…)

One of my friends has already told me “I just received my UA email. Sent me to a link to retrieve my new number – a link that I CAN’T LOG IN TO using my current UA number…”

Doctors in Wisconsin say a cat saved his new owner’s life by trying to wake her up during a diabetic seizure, and then running into her son’s room and waking him up to call for help. The cat, Pudding, is being called a hero. He just hopes this doesn’t wreck his feline reputation.

The Heat is gone.

June 13, 2011

Is it just me, or does Callista Gingrich make Cindy McCain look relaxed and natural?

Silver lining for the Miami Heat? After the team’s disappointing and at times childish performances when it was clear they felt entitled to a ring, they’ve all been offered a spot on next year’s “the Bachelorette.”

Another silver lining, for the Heat,  while the Dallas Mavericks get the White House visit with Obama, all the crying and whining has earned Miami a private invitation from John Boehner.

Anyone who doesn’t believe in evolution clearly hasn’t seen Dirk Nowitzki.

I think if JFK were alive he might say to all Americans north of Fort Lauderdale “Ich bein ein Maverick.”

‎24,000 or so emails released from Sarah Palin’s time as Governor of Alaska, and so far nothing ridiculously embarrassing. Which illustrates one point – even the dumbest women seem to be smarter about electronic communication than men.

Speaking of electronic stupidity, apparently Lebron James refers to himself as “King James” in texts.  Open note to Lebron and any other athlete  – before you refer to yourself as royalty, it’s a good idea to actually win a crown first.

Actual Stanford Psychology PhD thesis title: “Using counterfactual transgressions to secure a moral identity.”. “Counterfactual transgressions” – I see a new political buzzphrase coming on.

Also from Stanford commencement –  Mexican President Felipe Calderon was the keynote speaker.  His speech lasted 18 minutes.  Or as Joe Biden would call it, perfect timing for good introductory remarks. 

Suggested by my son’s friend Zev – “Who’s happier tonight?” Fans in Dallas, or in Cleveland?

Actually there’s one unhappy man in Dallas –  Jerry Jones.   The Mavericks win a championship,  the Rangers win the American League championship.  And the Cowboys….   Hey, how about that impressive job Dallas did in hosting the last Super Bowl in their new stadium?   Oops, never mind.

Not standing the Heat.

June 8, 2011

Rooting for a Mark Cuban owned team from Texas? It’s a tough job, but the Heat have made sure that a lot of somebodies have to do it.

More pictures of junk tweeted around Tuesday night.    Not Anthony Weiner again, thank gawd.  Just videos of  Lebron James’s play in Game 4. 

Meanwhile, what are the chances of Anthony Weiner ending up on SNL? I smell a potential remake of “D*** in a Box.”

As far as politics, however,  what can Anthony Weiner possibly do next? Except say “partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate.” And then run for President.

Okay, now I feel old. The Detroit Tigers selected, in the 26th round, Colin Kaline. Not Al’s son. His GRANDSON.

Nationals prospect Bryce Harper, 18, blew a kiss to the opposing pitcher in Single A after hitting a home run. If Harper had done that to Nolan Ryan, we’d be discussing plans for his funeral.

Is anyone remotely surprised? Terrelle Pryor, already suspended five games over memorabilia sales before the car allegations came out, has announced he will not return to Ohio State and will enter the supplemental draft. Only thing, even if the lockout ends, sounds like to join the NFL Pryor may have to take a pay cut.

But let’s see, Pryor made his money, got loaner cars, freebies all around town, and apparently the stories are now that he made up to $1000 a session for signing memorabilia.  Oh yeah, and he played in three major BCS bowls.   As to his suspension, he’s leaving OSU before he serves a minute of it. 

Yeah, for others thinking of breaking the rules, let this serve as a warning

At a state dinner Tuesday night, German Chancellor Angela Merkel received receive the Presidential Medal of Freedom from President Obama. But fortunately no neckrub.

From my friend Alex Kaseberg: Libyan President Moammar Khadafy vows that he will not leave his palace. That’s a smart move. Just announce to Seal Team 6 that you’re waiting at home.

 

Outside the lines:

March 10, 2011

Baylor’s freshman star basketball player Perry Jones was declared ineligible because his mother got (and repaid) three, 15-day loans from an AAU coach when Jones was in high school. So, see, the NCAA can actually enforce their own rules. As long as the team involved is not in the Top 25 or the SEC. (And isn’t the USC Trojans.)

Stanford’s mens basketball team was bounced from the Pac 10 tournament tonight, 69-67 by Oregon State. At one point in the first half the Cardinal was 3 for 30 from the field. With that kind of shooting skill I presume they got a half time congratulatory call from Dick Cheney.

Internships.com said Wednesday that 74,040 people have applied to Sheen’s internship position since he posted it Monday. No doubt about 74,039 already are fantasizing about the money they will make from the tell-all book they will write afterwards.

Lebron James was quoted as saying after Miami’s latest loss “Crazy thing is, we could lose every game and still make the playoffs in the Eastern Conference.” So is that the Heat’s secret plan?

Illinois has abolished the death penalty. Apparently they feel that just sentencing inmates to life without parole and watching Cubs games is punishment enough.

Milwaukee Brewers pitcher Zack Greinke will probably begin the season on the disabled list after breaking a rib in a collision going for the ball a pickup basketball game. We all know white men can’t jump. Sounds like they shouldn’t try to rebound either.

A Missouri high school teacher lost her job after it was discovered she was a porn star over two decades ago.  Yeah, with a scandalous past how was she thinking that she could get away with being a teacher?  Run for office on a GOP family values platform maybe.

Speaking of which, Newt Gingrich is now partly blaming the fact that he cheated on both of his first two wives, (and divorced them when they had cancer and MS respectively)  because he loved his country too much.

 “There’s no question at times of my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate.”

Kind of makes you wonder what would happen with that “passionate” caring  if Newt had a really stressful job, like being President?

 To paraphrase Madame Alvarez in the movie “Gigi” – this might be the LEAST “charming and endearing excuse for infidelity I have ever heard”

No warming trend for these Heat.

March 9, 2011

The Miami Heat lost their FIFTH game in a row tonight, 105-96 to the Portland Traiiblazers.. Even without a punchline, I just like writing it.

What do you call five Heat losses in a row?  A good start.

So will the theme song for this year’s Miami team in the NBA playoffs be “The Heat is Gone?”

Starbucks is celebrating their 40th anniversary. What they are really celebrating these days, however, is that gas prices are making their coffee prices almost look reasonable.

Ohio State football coach Jim Tressel will be fined $250k and suspended for the first two games of the season for ignoring the fact his players were selling memorabilia. The first two games of the 2011 for the Buckeyes are against Akron and Toledo. So who is this OSU athletic director and when did he transfer from the SEC ?  (Or USC.)

Buckeyes’ coach Jim Tressel apparently ignored the fact that his star players were selling memorabilia, because he “wanted to keep the team together.” And of course he was following OSU’s version of the honor code: “Beat Michigan.”

Texas Tech let Bobby Knight’s son Pat go as head coach after three seasons. Unfortunately it turns out he couldn’t hold a chair to his father.

(or as Alex Kaseberg says “The chair didn’t fall far from the tree.”)

Mike Huckabee says of the controversy around last week’s other incendiary comments  “Well, I can’t be both. I can’t be the dumbest guy in the room and the smartest guy in the room at the same time.”

Uh, Mike, no one is accusing you of the latter.

Mike Huckabee’s latest defense over his most recent controversy is that he “didn’t bring Natalie Portman up at all,” suggesting that radio host Michael Medved was the one who dragged Portman into the discussion. You have to love it. Huckabee, of course, is running on a platform of personal responsibility.

Tuesday was Mardi Gras.  Now Mardi Gras translates literally  to “Fat Tuesday.” Which means the day has really transplanted Thanksgiving as the most American of holidays

for Canadian readers:  (or anyone interested in politics north of the border.)

At least four Canadian government departments have reported that they received a directive late last year that the words “Government of Canada” in federal communications be replaced with “Harper Government.” This is why many Canadians are beginning to believe that God has a Stephen Harper complex.

Tears of a clown?

March 7, 2011

Wonder which P.A. announcer will be the first to play that when the Miami Heat come to town.  (Some Heat players reportedly cried after their loss today to the Chicago Bulls.)

Four losses in a row for the Miami Heat. Looks like as far as the NBA finals, Lebron might be taking his talents to the ESPN broadcast booth as an analyst.

And the Heat may not dethrone the Lakers as the NBA champions.  But they have done a solid job of replacing Kobe and company as the most hated team in America.

A recent Sport Illustrated study found that out of 2837 players on last year’s preseason top 25 college football teams, 204 had criminal records. Besides the obvious public relations issues, for the NFL, don’t all these arrests jeopardize these young men’s amateur status?

One thing about all these conference championship games. :  Should you really be able to raise the banner next year when all your one-and-done stars aren’t around to see it?

The new fantasy romance “Beauty” grossed over $10 million this weekend, with an audience that was 78 percent female.    Of the remaining 22 percent, wonder if even 78 total tickets were sold to straight men?

Costco has started selling wedding dresses at a steep discount.   Presumably in multi-packs that are selling exceptionally well in Utah.

And Larry King heard this and immediately emailed Costco management to say -“What took you so long?”

Ah billionaires. At a sports conference someome asked new Warriors owner Joe Lacob a question about bloggers. To which he allegedly answered “They are not real fans, because they don’t have season tickets.” Surprised he didn’t add a criticism about the cake he assumes they are eating too.

John McCain said Sunday that iPads and iPhones are “built in the United States of America.” And up in Alaska Sarah Palin reportedly chortled “Hah, this time I’m not the stupid one. But quick, someone tell me where they do build the darned things.”

Best wishes (seriously) to Phil Collins, who is quitting the music business to focus on his health.

On a less serious note, countless music fans are sending their own wishes to Celine Dion, saying “Congratulations. Now don’t you want to enjoy some time off to take care of your twin babies?”

Law and Order – BCS and NFL

December 2, 2010

Auburn and the  NCAA said Cam Newton’s father broke rules.   But while the University declared their quarterback ineligible, the NCAA then immediately reinstated him for the SEC title game this weekend.  How does this make sense?  Because it’s the SEC, of course.

Anyone want to lay odds on what would have happened if it were say, the TCU quarterback who was in the same situation as Newton?

We actually already know, he’d be cheerleading this weekend.

Reggie Bush is thinking “Damn, if I just let Dad handle the negotiations.

There’s a new response for high school and college sports stars who want to keep their eligibility.  “Don’t talk to me, my parents handle all the money issues.”

Meanwhile, in the NFL, Roger Goddell decided not to suspend Texans star wide receiver Andre Johnson, despite the fact that Johnson was involved in an actual fist fight on the field last Sunday.  Coincidentally the Texans just happen to be on Thursday night football.

Goddell’s talked about a strict discipline policy that will teach players a lesson.  I guess the lesson here is,  just don’t get in any fights before weeks your team is playing a game that will be blacked out.

And meanwhile,  Derek Anderson, who became a YouTube sensation for his outburst in a post-game press conference Monday night, gave what appeared to be a heartfelt apology Wednesday.

“There is a more professional way I could have handled that. I wasn’t raised that way. My mom and dad didn’t raise me to act like that in times of adversity.”

Translation….  Well, wouldn’t you have liked to listen in on the call Derek probably got from his mom Tuesday morning?

S.F. Giants fans think they know “torture.”  But 49ers fans get to live with the knowledge that their team bypassed Aaron Rodgers in the 2005 draft in order to take Alex Smith.

The NCAA’s rationale for reinstating Cam Newton is that there isn’t enough evidence that he knew he was being “shopped.” Yet ESPN reported two recruiters said he told them his dad chose Auburn because “the money was too much.” Even the O.J. jurors are saying “This guy got away with murder.”

Men are especially glad Cyber Monday is over.  Wonder how many tried to alternate shopping with looking at porn and accidentally ordered their wives inflatable dolls for Christmas?

An ESPN executive, Norby Williamson, said he does not think Jon Gruden will take the head coaching job at the University of Miami – “He is in year 2 of a long-term contract, and we expect Jon to be on ‘Monday Night Football’ doing what he’s been doing for a long time to come.”  Translation, or at least until he gets a better offer.

If openly gay men and women in the military is such a problem, why aren’t the same people fighting the repeal of DADT talking about the issue of gays in TSA, or going through security lines? Wouldn’t same-sex gay patdowns be just as much of a potential danger/distraction

The Los Angeles Lakers lost their fourth game in a row Wednesday night. Who do they think they are? The Miami Heat?


Great riddle from Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times:

Q: What do you get when you cross NASCAR with the Miami Heat?

A: The Daytona Barely .500

Tow, tow, tow your boat….

November 12, 2010

This great post title “Tow, tow, tow, your boat,” suggested by reader Gary Morton. And yes, it would make another possible new theme song for Carnival.

And tonight the Splendor is back in port, having been pulled in by six tugs.  But while the ship’s electrical system may be kaput, American ingenuity is alive and well.

As passengers disembarked they were met by enterprising salespeople with $20 “I survived the 2010 Carnival Cruise Spamcation.”

The t-shirt titles no doubt have potential too.

“My mom tried to go on a cruise to Mexico and all I got was a stale Pop Tart.”

“Spam, who said one million Hawaiians can’t be wrong.”

“Spam, it’s not just for breakfast, lunch and dinner anymore.”

Actually, a Carnival executive said no passengers were actually fed Spam.  Wonder what they used the stuff for instead.  A substitute for ice carving?

One lesson from this cruise – be careful (or at least specific) what you wish for. Out of those thousands of people on the Carnival Splendor, there had to be at least one person who said, “You know what I’d really like is to get away from all technology for a while.”

And a suggestion to passengers on the next Carnival Cruise, currently scheduled for November 21.  Probably not a good idea to be the first person to complain about cold eggs on the breakfast buffet.

Apparently some passengers were joking that it might be the first cruise they had been on where they actually lost weight.  Just another way that cruise ships are different than the airlines – had some airline executive heard that he’d probably have tried to charge the passengers retroactively for a spa cruise.

Okay, who’d have bet on this one? The last undefeated team in the NBA this season is the….New Orleans Hornets?!

And the “Dream Team” Miami Heat are 5-4.  Making them right now possibly the most over-hyped and over-rated star-filled team in the U.S.

“Hey,” said the New York Yankees  “That’s OUR job.”

Well, one good thing for the NBA out of Lebron’s “Decision.” It makes casual fans like me actually tune into at least part of some regular season games, just in hopes of seeing the Heat lose.

Carlos Beltran said he would “consider” waiving his no-trade contract if the Mets asked. Actually I believe his precise words were “You can DO that? H*ll, yeah.”

In a study involving 56 countries, the U.S. placed 31st in producing students with advanced math skills. Responded former President George W. Bush, “Well, at least we were in the top half.”

Many people connected with “Dancing with the Stars” cannot believe Bristol Palin is still in the competition.  It’s not just that she’s not a great dancer, it’s that they figured that like her mom, she’d quit half way through and declare victory.

From Bill Littlejohn:  Jets kicker Nick Folk didn’t know that his overtime FG had beaten the Lions, admitting that he thought that the Lions would get possession if he made the kick.Meanwhile, the NFL is investigating to see if , during the game,Folk had been exchanging texts with Donovan McNabb”

Paul is dead.

October 27, 2010

Paul the (World Cup predicting) octopus has died at the age of 2 1/2. Apparently his last words were “The Giants and the Rangers in the World Series? NFW.”

And no, Phillies fans aren’t still bitter about their team’s loss, and lack of hitting, in the NLCS.  Today an article in Philly.com talked about Cliff Lee, and Philadelphia’s decision not to resign him last year.  Said one happy fan “They should have kept him, he could have batted cleanup.”

A Cleveland radio station hired a witch doctor to perform a pre-season hex ceremony on Lebron James. If the Heat get off to a bad start I can see new career opportunities if this Senate thing doesn’t work out for Christine O’Donnell. 

Not saying that Fox is disappointed with the Rangers vs. Giants World Series and the potential low ratings. But rumor has it the network has offered their affiliates the opportunity to pre-empt the games for “Glee” reruns.

It’s enough to ALMOST make you feel sorry for the Golden State Warriors, who never get any respect in the San Francisco Bay Area. And this year their home opener? Wednesday, October 27. Nothing else going on in local sports that night….

At least some good news for the Golden State Warriors as they open the new season.   Thanks to the “Fourth and Niners” they are almost guaranteed not to be the sorriest story in Northern California sports.

from Marc Ragovin: 

So the NY Knicks have signed a marketing deal with 1800 Silver Tequila. Hey,  the way they play these are gonna be the best shots in Madison Square Garden all season.

On Wednesday pitcher Cliff Lee will make his second World Series game one start in a row. Last year he started for the Phillies, this year he starts for the Rangers, and next year, many expect him to start for the Yankees.

SEC family values strike again:  On September 14, University of Florida wide receiver Chris Rainey was arrested and charged with aggravated stalking for allegedly sending threatening texts to his girlfriend. Including one that said “Time to die.” This weekend, coach Urban Meyer says Rainey will be reinstated to the team. Hey, it’s a rivalry game with Georgia.

Lebron James and his pals on the Heat lost their season opener to the Celtics 88-80. That’s really a shame, said absolutely no one outside Miami.

I suppose Lebron James may have done some good for the league on television this year.  As inspired by TC  – wonder how many fans will tune into Miami games just because they can’t stand the Heat.

In fact, it may only be the beginning of the season but the Miami Heat have done something few sports teams have been able to accomplish – become more hated than the Yankees.

Joe Theismann said that Vikings’ coach Brad Childress should “man up” this weekend, and say, ‘Brett, sit down.’ ”  While he’s at it, Childress should also probably say “Brett, put the phone down too.”