Posted tagged ‘Saints jokes’

Saints be praised.

September 10, 2019

Yeah, it’s only a game. But as I tell people… even when you watch a thrilling movie or TV show, or read a book, many people already know the outcome. And even when you think a game is over….twice…that’s not true in sports.

Did Drew Brees get 10 years younger in the 2nd half?

 

In the end it didn’t matter, but officials admitted later they had taken 15 seconds too many off the clock as Saints tried at end of of first half. So NFL referees at least were already in midseason form.

Just one night, but Raiders looked like they missed Antonio Brown like a fish misses a bicycle.

 

A report in The Atlantic says that Trump, less than thrilled with Jared, has complained that Ivanka could have married QB Tom Brady instead. Well, as much as I am not fond of Patriots it WOULD have been less damaging to the country.

 

Shortly after winning  U.S. Open Sunday, Canadian tennis star Bianca Andreescu actually apologized for winning, acknowledging that the U.S. crowd would have preferred to see Serena Williams triumph.  Is this the most Canadian sports story ever?

 

Sarah and Todd Palin are divorcing. Look, it’s never a happy thing when a marriage breaks up. But for all GOP family values BS, note that the Obamas and Clintons are both on their first marriages.

If Wilbur Ross was ordered to fire people who contradicted POTUS about Dorian heading for Alabama, what does Donald do with people who contradict him on SERIOUS issues?

Trump defended his decision to remove Bahamian men, women and children, who had passports but not visas,  from ferries this weekend on their way to the US after Hurricane Dorian.  He said they could be “some very bad people, very bad gang members & very, very bad drug dealers.”

Uh, except United States policy says  “Bahamians can enter U.S. w/o visa by providing passport & proof of no criminal record.

 

Donald Trump said today he would release an “extremely complete” report on his personal finances before 2020 election. Will it include details on that Trump ice rink he is building in hell?

 

The National Rifle Association is suing San Francisco and SF Board of Supervisors for passing a resolution declaring them a domestic terrorist organization. The lawsuit says SF could hurt NRA’s business relationships and is “interfering” in their exercise of rights.
On the other hand, after Gilroy, El Paso, Dayton, Odessa’s etc, there are many people who might speak in support of San Francisco’s resolution, except they are now, like, you know, dead.

Across the pond.

October 1, 2017

Politics aside, while Colin Kaepernick may not be an NFL caliber quarterback, seems pretty sure Jay Cutler isn’t either.

Speaking of anthems, @Saints may start playing “God Save the Queen” before all games for luck.

LA #Chargers can’t fill 27,000 seat stadium, & most fans showing up root for visitors. Open note to Raiders, still time to back out of Vegas.

Okay, not that I really care, but Stanford is not ranked in college football. They are 3-2, with the 2 losses being to USC, ranked #14, and San Diego State, ranked #19. So if you are about #24-25, shouldn’t you lose to number #14 and #19?

Question of the day after Patriots loss – WWGB – who will Giselle blame?

 

Pablo Sandoval’s 3 home runs in gm 1 of 2012 World Series launched SF Giants sweep, so guess it’s some compensation his walk off home run today gave Tigers #1 2018 draft pick?

But hey, while the Giants  beat Padres and lose top draft pick to Detroit, but the  49ers keep their hopes with a loss against the #Cardinals

Today apparently FEMA Administrator Brock Long Puerto Rico hurricane relief for Puerto Rico is “the most logistically challenging event the US has ever seen”
So this administration is as good at history as they are at everything else….

 

 

When Puerto Rico officials tell Trump what he can do w/ golf trophy he dedicated to hurricane victims will he call them worse than ingrates

So when will Trump issue an executive order for a travel ban from Puerto Rico?

Trump tweeted that “Being nice to Rocket Man hasn’t worked in 25 years. Clinton failed, Bush failed, Obama failed, I won’t fail.”

Uh, King Jong Un is 33 years old.  Do the math. The only ones being nice to him 25 years ago might have been his nannies.

And then Trump tweets “Save your energy, Rex.”   So time to move #Tilllerson up in that Trump resignation pool?

It really is awful that people are willing to die in Puerto Rico just to make Trump look bad.

Death toll mounts in Puerto Rico. If O.J. is serious about finding a real killer maybe he just needs to look on golf course at Bedminster.

 

Count down

November 7, 2016

Some bipartisan good news on this pre-election weekend. It is now less than 100 days until pitchers & catchers report. #SpringTraining #MLB

The over-under on @Saints @49ers today was 53. Has anyone in Vegas watched New Orleans offense AND defense play?

 

Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce was ejected today after throwing a towel at an officlal. Had Kelce hit the guy he might have received an offer to QB the Browns.

Former SF 49ers coach Mike Nolan “You could do a lot worse” than Trent Baalke in picking players. Even Cleveland Browns fans are going “Really?”

A Swiss chocolate maker has created a new “Frauenmond” bar with herbs that is supposed to help with menstrual cramps and lift women’s moods during their periods. Well, chocolate has long been known to help at “that time of month.” As long as men get out of the way and let women have it.

 

Apparently the protestor who so scared everyone at the Trump rally in Reno had broken a “no private signs” rule. Figures. Trump is a huge defender of the 2nd amendment. But he’s not so big on the 1st.

Nancy Pelosi came out today in favor of a California proposition to legalize marijuana. And a lot of regular users are thinking, isn’t this a bit late for next month’s election?

 

I liked Gilda Radner’s Roseanne Roseannadana’s act much better than #FBI director Jim #Comey‘s. #NeverMind

Even though the gun rumor was quickly debunked, Donald Trump Jr and Trump’s social media director tweeted last night about an assassination attempt. Because maybe they thought everyone at a Trump rally SHOULD have a gun?

Lots of last minute political fundraising emails, as if there’s time for mailers, hiring staff or even finding 30 seconds of air time to buy?

 

With this email mess, #JimComey might have gotten more hatred from Democrats AND Republicans in D.C. than anyone not named Dan Snyder.

Trump’s aides have apparently taken away his Twitter access until Tuesday. And now the Twitter site was down Sunday night. Coincidence? “If I can’t tweet, nobody tweets”

Re Trump ban on private signs at rallies: could anyone write anything more offensive than some of the things he actually says?

 

Donald Trump has done a faster 180 degree turn around on how he feels about FBI Director Jim Comey than about anyone he hasn’t married.

With all talk about #DNCLeak2 good time for #RNC to release their emails, prove how honorable they are by comparison?

and a post World Series comment from Marc Ragovin: “World Chess Federation officials are concerned about a possible lack of interest in the upcoming championship tournament because a typical game can take up to six hours to complete.  “Amateurs,” said Major League Baseball.

Impossible dreams?

October 24, 2016

After escaping with a 6-6 tie against Arizona, Seattle takes their nonexistent 2016 offense on the road to face the New Orleans defense. Which might prove an answer to the age old question: What happens when a resistible force meets 11 movable objects?

ESPN reports the Vikings got Sam Bradford from the Eagles for their 2017 1st round draft-pick plus a conditional 4th rounder in 2018. If however, Minnesota, makes the NFC championship game, the 4th round pick becomes a 3rd, BUT Philly would then have to send the Vikings 7th round pick.
This might be more complicated math than most football players ever took in college.

 

These London games mean on the West Coast you can wake up and already know your team has lost for the week. “And your point is?” say 49ers fans

 

#JameisWinston gets a 15 yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalty for arguing a spot on 3rd down Overly #crabby? #TBvsSF

So who was leaving Levi’s Stadium at a faster rate? Injured 49ers players, or disgusted 49ers fans? #TBvsSF

So can we officially go back to calling them the “Fourth and niners?”

GOP chair Reince Priebus on Trump “He is not willing to not concede if he loses and there’s no fraud.” Orwell would be proud. #doublespeak

 

Sheldon Adelson’s Las Vegas Review-Journal has become the first major newspaper to endorse Donald Trump. “He promises to be a source of disruption and discomfort to the privileged, back-scratching political elites for whom the nation’s strength and solvency have become subservient to power’s pursuit and preservation.”
Got to love a man who can rail against the “privileged back scratching elites” after he buys a newspaper.

 

 

While I don’t love trending Twitter hashtags, #TrumpBookReport was too good to pass up:

Helen of Troy, overrated, wouldn’t have been my first choice. But I hear King Menealus had very small hands. #trumpbookreport

 

Six days to create the world? Really? I could have done it in five, and done much better for Adam than Eve. Nasty woman. #trumpbookreport

 

Overrated nasty woman, if I led France it would have been best victory ever. I don’t like people who get burnt at stake. #TrumpBookReport

Royal flush

November 2, 2015

Harold Reynolds tonight in the World Series compared Matt Harvey‬, who pitched a great game, to MadBum‬. Uh, not exactly.

For who compare Terry Collins’ decision to let Harvey‬ finish to 2014 Game 7 remember, Bochy probably couldn’t have wrestled Madbum‬ off mound.

Not sure but in this ‪#‎WorldSeries‬ maybe God decided to gently tell Daniel Murphy that He/She doesn’t disagree with the “gay lifestyle.”

Had to love Fox analysis before World Series Game Five “This is a must win for the NY Mets.” Ya think?

Bad news for baseball fans – no more games until 2016. Good news for baseball fans, no more Joe Buck until 2016

In retrospect, so how good were the Houston Astros? ‪#‎closesttobeatingtheRoyals‬

Tony Bennett singing before the World Series. Did MLB sign him up earlier in 2015 because they figured the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ would be back in it?

All the hype over the Rodgers-Manning matchup with Packers-Broncos today, and Brees and Eli Manning put them both to shame.

It’s easier to laugh when you win.  After the Saints win, coach Sean Payton joked “Brees had 7 TDs but we told him the game ball was going to the kicker”
Entering the 4th quarter, Drew Brees had 6 TD and 6 incompletions.
All ‪#‎Saints‬ & ‪#‎Stanford‬ football fans have absolutely no need to visit doctor anytime soon for cardiac stress tests. ‪#‎Whodat‬‪#‎Nerdnation‬
Had that Washington State field goal at the end of the game not gone wide right, a whole new generation of fans at Stanford would have grown up debating the tuck rule.
While the Saints‬ and Giants‬ were breaking records in New Orleans, fans in SF Bay Area had to watch the 49ers Rams game.

#‎GregHardy‬ left today’s game with an apparent knee injury. “I feel so sorry for him” said nobody.

An allegedly drunk woman is recovering with serious hand injuries after being bitten by a tiger on Halloween night – she said she had sneaked into the zoo to pet the tiger. Nope, not Florida. Omaha. Looks like Nebraska is making a strong play in this week’s ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ competition.

The NFL International series now has three games a year in London, so Brits get to see six franchises. And every year seems like one of them is actually a real professional team. ‪#‎nottheLions‬

A white female South Carolina sheriff captain has been criticized for dressing up as Bob Marley for Halloween, with a t-shirt featuring a marijuana leaf, and wearing blackface. She has apologized, says she had no idea it might be offensive, and has not been disciplined.
Okay, maybe she isn’t racist, but can you suspend someone for criminal stupidity?

Paul Ryan, who made family time a condition of running for House Speaker, said today he will not support legislation guaranteeing paid family leave. “I don’t think people asked me to be speaker so I can take more money from hard-working taxpayers, so I can create some new federal entitlement.”
In other words, I got mine, the rest of you suckers are on your own.

Slip, sliding away

October 11, 2015

Give Chase Utley‬ credit, during the middle of football season he got a whole lot of U.S. sports fans talking about baseball

Chase Utley suspended for two games. Might be safer than if Don Mattingly had dared to put him at Citifield in New York anyway 

How much more perfect could it be if the NLDS series hero turns out to be Wilmer Flores?

Not surprisingly, Mets fans tend to think Utley’s slide was dirty, Dodgers fans tend to think it was just good hard baseball.  So assume if Mets player injures Dodgers 2nd baseman Howie Kendrick with an Utley-like slide in game 3, LA will have no problem with it?

The ‪#‎Saints‬ may be interested in signing Chase Utley for defense. ‪#‎bettertackling‬

Houston ‪#‎Astros‬ were the lowest seeded team into the 2015 ‪#‎MLBPlayoffs‬. Lowest team in 2014? ‪#‎SFGiants‬

USC has apparently told coach Steve Sarkisian to take a leave of absence. Sort of like much of the Trojans football team has been doing all season?

Oregon’s football team has THREE losses? For some players it’s the first time they’ve had to count that high.

But okay, the Ducks might not even be the most disappointing football team in the Northwest  #SeattleSeahawks.

Apparently an increasing number of Canadians want to build a wall to keep Americans out. Maybe this is Trump’s grand plan. Not to win the presidency but to get the building contract.

Governor Jerry Brown signed a bill saying California schools will no longer be allowed to use “Redskins” as a mascot or team name. Professional teams aren’t mentioned, but, at least this won’t be an issue during the 2016 Super Bowl in Santa Clara.

A man was shot and seriously injured tonight in Arlington, TX, in a parking lot shared by the Rangers and Cowboys. A suspect is in custody with no further details. But just guessing he’s not one of those wacky Blue Jays fans.

Trump clearly is tired of Ben Carson getting all the headlines, saying today 200,000 Syrian migrants coming into the US “‘could make the Trojan horse look like peanuts if these people turned out to be a lot of ISIS”

President Obama said that John Boehner’s departure could worsen Congressional gridlock. You mean it’s possible to go slower than a dead stop?

We’ve come a long way, baby?

December 16, 2014

Not exactly. Barbara Walters named Amal Alamuddin Clooney, the “Most Fascinating Person of 2014,” because marrying George Clooney was “one of the greatest achievements in human history.” ‪#‎facepalm‬

Credit where credit is due. So far NJ Gov. Chris Christie, who was spotted last night in owner Jerry Jones’ luxury box, refuses to renounce his love for the Dallas Cowboys, saying he would never change his team loyalties to score political points. Besides, if Christie starting rooting for the Giants or Jets this year Americans would seriously question his sanity.

#‎JohnnyManziel‬ said Sunday was “a little bit of an off day.” In related news, the ‪#‎Cubs‬ have had a little bit of an off century.

The movie “Titanic” is leaving Netflix in 2015. This news will disappoint millions of women and about two men.

 

New Orleans Saints – 6-8, 1st in NFC South. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a Saints fan and I love Drew Brees. But normally this level of mediocrity is only rewarded by re-election.

Northern California is getting enough rain that now some people who have been claiming they don’t have nice lawns because of the drought will now have to admit they don’t have lawns because they are lazy.

Happiest non-Saints fans tonight are Detroit fans, as Lions play the Bears next week and need a win to make playoffs ‪#‎MNF‬ ‪#‎NOvsCHI‬ ‪#‎Saints‬

The NFL admitted they made a mistake calling SF LB Nick Moody for a roughing-the-passer penalty in the 49ers 17-7 loss yesterday.. And the Seahawks then scored a TD instead of settling for a FG. Which is some validation, although the final score then would have been 13-7.

From T.C.  “After almost 8,000 no shows at Soldier Field, and another brutal performance tonight, the Chicago Bears will announce Jon Lester as their starting QB in week 16.”

So the SF Giants “lost” Chase Headley to the NY Yankees, 4 years, $52 million. But the guy’s stats last year? He hit .243 with 13 home runs and 49 RBIs. We aren’t exactly talking Brooks Robinson here.

Apparently a British TV crew discovered a “magic” mushroom in the Buckingham Palace gardens. Hmm, maybe now we know how the Queen can smile and waive all the time.

A new Gallup Poll said Congress’s job-approval rating this year averaged 15%. Wow. Anyone know someone in that 15%?

Now ABC News is reporting that in a taped phone conversation, an NFL executive promised Adrian Peterson a two-game suspension instead of the indefinite ban he was given. Give the league credit, whatever bad stuff happens, the NFL itself still often manages to come off worse than the suspended players.

 

Lost Angeles?

November 10, 2014

So much for the ‪#‎Lakers‬’  perfect season.

 

And Charles Barkley’s favorite restaurants are now going “Our long national nightmare is over.”

 

Even ‪#‎Cubs‬ fans feel sorry for ‪#‎Bears‬ fans tonight. ‪#‎GBvsChi‬

T.C.  (from British Columbia) suggests that most Americans turned off the Packers-Bears rout at half-time. Those who didn’t, who weren’t Green Bay fans, probably thought they had accidentally turned on a replay of a SEC game vs. a nonconference opponent.

In a crazy world small signs of stability can be a good thing. To that end the Oakland Raiders are doing their part to be the one ‪#‎NFL‬ team that consistently sucks.

Mark Cuban mused that the Oklahoma Thunder at this point might be better off tanking the season in a “race to the bottom”. And the Raiders are thinking. “Well, that’s one NFL race we’ve won.”

Many thought the 49ers’ Aldon Smith would have his suspension reduced. This didn’t happen, reportedly because he didn’t do all his “counseling protocol.” So much for all those who say it doesn’t matter if athletes learn to go to class. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

 

 

Not sure if the SF 49ers are going to the playoffs, but after the “Hail Mary” offensive pass interference penalty he drew on Jimmy Graham,  CB Perrish Cox has reportedly been offered a tryout by several professional soccer teams.

If football games were 58 minutes long ‪#‎Saints‬ would be midseason favorites to win ‪#‎superbowl‬. ‪#‎SFvsNO‬ ‪#‎cantfinish‬

Freed missionary Kenneth Bae, back in the U.S. from North Korea, said “It’s been an amazing two years, I learned a lot.” Like maybe not to lead tour groups to North Korea?

Arctic temperature will reach across much of the U.S. this week, with even a chance of snow in D.C. Proving some were right when they said hell would freeze over before we’d see a GOP landslide this year.

One last thought on last Tuesday’s election. Whatever you think of President Obama’s candidates from both parties tried to hard to distance themselves from him. voters may well have figured at least they’d go for the honest ones.

Label notation of the year award:  “May have been processed on equipment that was also used to process nuts.”   On a jar of peanut butter.

 

It’s not over….

January 12, 2014

Maybe not in Foxboro, but in Seattle,  a reminder of why baseball is STILL the best game. When you have momentum, the clock never runs out on you!

Even the Stanford Band said “What was Marques Colston THINKING on that last play?” #Whodat #Braincramp

The Saints did just cover the 8.5 point spread. So fans may not be happy but they can buy good booze to drown their sorrows #WhoDat

A-Rod, suspended for 162 games. His response – “the deck has been stacked against me from day one.” As if almost all 52 cards in that deck weren’t placed there by the slugger himself.

A-Rod’s suspension means the Yankees are off the hook for his $25 million 2014 salary. #therichgetricher

 

A third DUI for David Cassidy this morning, and second in six months. Who knew when he sang “I think I love you” that the Partridge Family singer was talking about booze?

Rangers pitcher Derek Holland says it was his dog who ran into him on the stairs, causing him to fall and hurt his knee badly enough to need arthoscopic surgery. SF Giants are wondering if it’s too late to require Jeremy Affeldt only to own cats.

Alas tonight Indianapolis ran out of Luck.

Causing a traffic jam over a meaningless endorsement seems as frivolous during an election as breaking into McGovern’s campaign offices. #bridgegate

Shame Chris Christie didn’t pay more attention in History class. This bridge closure cries out for a “I didn’t really mean it when I said ‘who will rid me of this meddlesome mayor’ defense.”

The Red Hot Chili Peppers are now part of the Super Bowl halftime lineup. Guess the NFL figured it was their only chance to have the word “Hot” associated with a game played outdoors in February.

Apparently women’s ski jumping hasn’t been in the Olympics until now because some (men) were afraid it could damage female fertility. Uh, except which sex has the more external, and thus at risk, fertility “parts”?

The security breach story du jour: Neiman Marcus said today that over the holiday season some customers’ card information was hacked and used fraudulently. Fortunately most Americans couldn’t afford to shop at Needless Markup anyway.

 

 

Bus to hell:  “Ariel Sharon has died. About four years after most people took him out of their Death Pools.”

 

From Bill Littlejohn:  Ronda Rousey admits to a crush on retired MMA legend Fedor Emelianenko, saying that she’d ‘have 57 of his babies’.If she wanted 57 babies with someone, wouldn’t she have better luck with a retired NBA legend?”

Cold Comfort Field.

January 6, 2014

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Photo taken 90 minutes before kickoff?   Are these fans brave, or certifiable?

As my friend Scott R. says. “It was so cold, Erin Andrews had clothes on.”

 

So okay, moving forward:  If SF beats Carolina, and New Orleans beats Seattle, then the NFC championship will be at Candlestick. Which means for a week all 49ers fans are welcome on the Saints bandwagon. We’ve got beads. #Geauxsaints

Thought after watching the Packers-49ers. When the refs are in “let them play” mode, it’s amazing how the missed calls are only the plays that go against YOUR team. #SFvsGB

Nissan commercial “Fantasy, do not attempt. Cars can’t jump on trains.” Really?! And how many viewers just had their bucket list dreams dashed?

Saddest people who watched Sunday’s Bengals meltdown against the Chargers?  (Other than fans in Cincinnati?)  Pittsburgh Steelers fans.

 

But good line from my friend T.C.  “Pittsburgh Steelers fans are just elated that Andy Reid can “sit” his entire team next Sunday.” #byeweeksareoverrated

Dennis Rodman finally recruited some former NBA players to play an exhibition game in North Korea. Well, it could be the adventure of a lifetime? Or if they win, at least the last adventure of their lifetimes.

 

Now it appears that the story about Kim Jong-Un having his uncle fed to 120 starving dogs may have originated with an Onion-like satiric tweet. But if it’s not true, the North Korean leader may be well thinking “Thanks for the idea.”

A Delta flight slipped off the runway today and was stuck in the snow for an hour. Coming soon, an airline snow tire fee?

The NFL at its finest. Seahawks RB Marshawn Lynch was fined $50,000 last week — for not talking. The league requires players talk to the media, and Lynch hadn’t done so all season, which the NFL didn’t find out about until he briefly spoke to reporters this week. Have to wonder, how many fines might Marshawn have had if he shot off his mouth every week?

 

In the NFC, the 3 and 4 are gone, the 5 and 6 play on. Who seeded this conference, the BCS?

 

So after starting a war within the GOP and even her own family, Liz Cheney is dropping out of the Wyoming Senate race she only entered six months ago. Wonder how long it will take her aborted campaign to get an endorsement from Sarah Palin?

Saints be praised.

January 5, 2014

Image

1 and 5 on the road in the playoffs never felt so good. #GeauxSaints! #coolBrees

New Orleans would like to thank the SF 49ers again for beating the Arizona Cardinals and sending the Saints to Philadelphia.

Only a playoff game in Green Bay tomorrow could get announcers to refer to 20 degree weather in Philadelphia as “balmy.”

Darren Sproles does pretty well for a guy who makes Tim Lincecum look like a real Giant. #Geauxsaints
Watching the Saints play well against a red-hot Eagles outdoors in Philadelphia, maybe Kyle Orton with that last interception last weekend just saved Cowboys fans an expensive and painful game today.

Think I speak for a lot of women, especially moms, in America when I say “Awesome comeback Andrew #Luck,” now can you go shave?

 –

But watching that Immaculate Recovery – the fumble Andrew Luck recovered for a TD, have to wonder, did God get tired of waiting for some team to sign Tebow, and decide to become a Colts fan?

Three interceptions and four touchdowns. Andrew Luck basically had the NFL equivalent of Bob Brenly’s September 14, 1986 game at Candlestick.

So when the Colts won, did the 1993 Houston Oilers pop champagne?’

Kirk Cousins said that RGIII will have input into choosing the next Washingon Redskins coach. Sounds like good news. For the rest of the the NFC East.

Amazon.com founder Jeff Bezos was evacuated from the Galapagos Islands by an Ecuadorian navy helicopter due to kidney stones. Wonder if this was covered with Amazon Prime?

Go figure. the NFL has assigned Jeff Triplette to be the referee for the Chargers-Bengals playoff game. This after a year where Triplette messed up the downs in the Dec. 1 Giants-Redskins game, and incorrectly called a touchdown for Cincinnati – upon review – against the Colts the following week. Maybe the league figures the game won’t be close without a few missed calls?

Jameis Winston has designs on being another Bo Jackson “if I can convince those guys I can be your quarterback and still go play baseball for the Atlanta Braves or New York Yankees” Uh, leaving the difficulty of two sports aside, does Winston have any idea he might be the QB of say, the Buccaneers, and have his only chance to play baseball for say, the Astros?

NY Gov. Andrew Cuomo apparently will legalize medical marijuana by executive order. This should be great news for 7-11.

Steven Seagal says he is considering a run for Arizona governor. Your move, Florida.

Great joke from my friend Gary Bachman:  “It’s so cold that a woman went into labor while jogging and her ice broke.”

Saints be praised.

November 11, 2013

New Orleans Saints 49,  Dallas Cowboys 17.   The only time they usually see scores like that in Louisiana is when LSU schedules one of their out-of-conference cupcakes.

How bad did the Saints make the Cowboys defense look? In the Kiffin family for a change, Lane was feeling sorry for his dad.

Looks like it’s a good thing for the NFC Least that the NFL’s requirements for winning your division aren’t as strict as the NCAA’s rules for being bowl-eligible.

SF 49ers, who play New Orleans on the 17th,  are just hoping the Saints offense tired themselves out by going up and down the field so often.

So who wins the “most embarrassing day in the division” award? The Colts for getting spanked by the Rams or the Titans for losing to the Jaguars?

Now backup Green Bay quarterback Seneca Wallace is injured. Think that Brett Favre’s wife has hidden his cellphone?

Singer Miley Cyrus smoked a joint on stage and twerked with a dwarf during the MTV EMAs today. Guess she’s not happy with only offending music fans on one continent.

It just gets better…. Apparently GM Jeff Ireland spoke at a Dolphins meeting this week and singled out head coach Joe Philbin for creating a team of high character. Would hate to see what a team of low character was….

But not that long ago I’m sure the folks at MNF looked at tomorrow’s Dolphins Bucs matchup and thought – “how are we ever going to come up with a story line for this turkey of a game?”

Two people were shot and injured, one reportedly an innocent bystander, after a shooting at New York City’s Bryant Park ice rink. If only all the skaters had been armed.

Hillary Clinton made a speech in SF stressing bipartisan unity. Translation, going to be fun to see her and Chris Christie each trying to claim ownership of the centrist platform in 2016, after they both try to run in opposite directions in the primary.

On and off the level.

June 21, 2012

The BCS commissioners along with Notre Dame’s AD say they are working on a 4 team playoff for a football national championship . Presumably they will release the format as soon as they decide whether the Fighting Irish should be eligible with 3 or as many as 4 losses.

The WBO review had all 5 judges on their review agree Manny Pacquiao beat Timothy Bradley’s. but they will not overturn the official result. And Pacquiao himself says he prefers a rematch over a reversal. Which will net all involved millions of dollars. How could anyone imagine that boxing is fixed?

Wednesday afternoon score – Arizona 14, Seattle 10. So who started the NFL preseason when I wasn’t looking? –

Mitt Romney’s sons said tonight on Conan they tried to convince their dad not to run. So Mitt wants us to believe he’ll listen to ordinary Americans? He won’t even listen to his family.

 

Larry Ellison has purchased 98% of the island of Lanai. Wonder how long it will take for him to announce his plans for domination of the other Hawaiian islands?

Cory Booker was on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno this week.  Booker, the charismatic mayor of Newark,  achieved superhero status in many minds when he ran into a burning building to save a woman.

Of course,  if President Obama had done the same thing,  Republicans would accuse him of  too much government involvement interfering with hardworking firefighters.

More in the “Crazy States Derby:” Arizona making a move with Sec. of State Ken Bennett, modifying the birther controversy: “I actually think he (Obama) was fibbing about being born in Kenya when he was trying to get into college and doing things like writing a book and on and on and on.”

UConn is the only major men’s basketball program among 7 who are ineligble for post-season play based on low APRs (Academic Progress Rate). Only Hampton, North Carolina A & T and Texas Southern are banned in football. So the rest of the schools are doing fine with their student athletes….? Wonder how the NCAA sent out the press release with a straight face.

Oil prices fell to an eight-month low today. Wonder which airline will be the first to somehow figure out a way to use that news to raise the fuel surcharge. –

After New York mayor Bloomberg proposed a ban on large sugary sodas, the mayor of Cambridge, Mass. announced she wants to ban both large sugary beverages AND free refills. Your move, San Francisco.

Drew Brees is being criticized for tweeting “If NFL fans were told there were ‘weapons of mass destruction’ enough times, they’d believe it.” Maybe what Brees should have tweeted was that Goodell thinks by punishing the Saints his campaign to stop players attempting deliberately injuring each other will be “mission accomplished.”

Endings and not quite endings.

March 7, 2012

So the soap opera comes to an end: Lucas Oil Stadium in Indianapolis will no longer be Peyton Place.

From T.C. “The rumor is Peyton and his family have hired moving trucks, and are headed for Baltimore in the middle of the night.”

“The Bachelor” host Chris Harrison now says he’s trying to get Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow to be next season’s bachelor. (Which is probably a longer shot than Denver winning the Super Bowl.) Wonder if the show offered to turn the “Fantasy Suites” into prayer rooms?

As the Saints case continues to make headlines, one question. How many coaches tell their teams, “Ok men, let’s go out and kick some a** today, but please try not to hurt anybody.”

Topshop, a popular British clothing store, has cropped the bottom word off a new line of t-shirts now that originally said “Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo. Shakespere” (sic). Well, that’s what you get for marketing to people who actually read.

Former Mets star Lenny Dykstra was sentenced to three years for a scheme to steal cars. Poor dumb chump, if he was into larceny and wanted to stay out of jail, Lenny should have stolen necklaces.


Could have been worse for Dykstra. The judge could have sentenced him to return to the Mets.

Sarah Palin finally admitted her choice out of the current GOP presidential candidates, saying she voted Tuesday for Newt Gingrich. Just another episode of of the reality show: “Sarah Palin, the road to irrelevance.”

Mitt Romney appears to have won Ohio. But out of a million votes, maybe by less people than remain in the stands during the fourth quarter of a Bengals game.

Looks like Mitt Romney won Ohio by winning the areas around Cleveland, Toledo, Cincinnati and Columbus – which house the major universities around the state. Another reason for Rick Santorum to be against college education….it leads to people who don’t vote for him.

Mitt Romney tonight promised “real change.” Starting tomorrow with today’s positions.

Newt Gingrich won Georgia. Pundits wonder “Will it be enough to keep his campaign alive?” “We sure hope so,” responded staffers at Obama headquarters. (Not to mention writers for the Daily Show and Colbert Report.)

Maybe folks trying to protect women’s reproductive rights are going about it the wrong way with conservatives. Maybe there should be a campaign that says “Stop unwanted child support and paternity lawsuits, mandate birth control

When asked if she would accept the GOP nomination to run for president in a brokered convention, Sarah Palin responded “I don’t close any doors that perhaps would be open out there, so, no, I wouldn’t close that door.” A statement seconded by most Democrats.

Molson Coors Brewing Company just unveiled a new, iced-tea-flavored version of Coors Light. Guess they’re hoping to entice some folks to put down their Arnold Palmers and pick up the John Dalys.

The Redskins are amongst the teams who might be interested in Peyton Manning. Which with owner Dan Snyder at the helm means it’s likely that Peyton will become yet another good man who fails to make a difference in Washington.

While everyone’s abuzz about “Bounty-gate” has everyone forgotten about Super Bowl XLVII? It’s scheduled for Feb 3, 2013…in New Orleans. Gentlemen, and ladies, start your punchlines.

You’re a rich girl…..

March 6, 2012

Ann Romney said in a Fox News interview “I don’t even consider myself wealthy.” What’s her definition of wealthy? When you can no longer remember how many houses you have?

AOL has now become the 8th advertiser to drop Rush Limbaugh. They would have done it sooner, but their executives who download AOL to keep up on the news just found out about the scandal.

Some want Rush Limbaugh’s talk show off the the air. Not sure. At this point he’s doing a great job fundraising for the Democratic party

A new channel, “Dog TV” is expanding in the U.S. For $4.99 a month (and who knows how much electricity) dog owners are supposed to leave the TV on while they are out, so that their pets don’t suffer from anxiety issues, boredom and depression. And we wonder why other countries hate us.

Pat Robertson’s theory on why all those devastating tornadoes hit the Midwest last week – not enough prayer: “”If enough people were praying [God] would’ve intervened. Wonder how many people it would take praying to have God get rid of Pat Robertson?

You can’t make this “stuff” up – United-Continental merger division: “If you have forgotten your PIN, you will need to change it to proceed. Please complete the following information to change your MileagePlus PIN.” And you start by entering the CURRENT PIN. (Yes, the one you’ve forgotten.)

Last week, former Cal QB Joe Ayoob broke a Guinness World Record by throwing a paper airplane 226 feet, 10 inches. Brett Favre tried to top him, but the airplane was intercepted and run back for a touchdown.

A new Lifetime reality show titled “Bristol Palin: Life’s a Tripp,” will “offer an insight into the life of the 21-year-old mother as she raises her 3-yr old son,”, and “also focus on her relationship with her parents, Sarah and Todd Palin, and her siblings.” In related news, Sarah Palin blasted the media for not leaving her family alone.

Syracuse University said they allowed 10 players who violated their drug policy to continue playing basketball. Gosh. What’s next? Admitting the players didn’t always live up to academic standards either?

No telling for sure now how many of the failed tests involved marijuana, though rumors are that it was most of them. Guess maybe the Orangemen’s defense was that they wanted to get their players NBA ready.

Ndamukong Suh. commenting on the bounty situation: “Me personally, I don’t take part in those things and knowing my teammates and knowing my coaches, we wouldn’t allow that.” Possible translation? “I like to stomp people for free.”

No doubt the Saints will pay for being caught in a bounty scandal. But teams are trying to knock their opponents’ stars out of games? In related news from Casablanca, Captain Renault is still “shocked, shocked to find that gambling is going on in here.”

Another quote from from a wacky liberal on the GOP primary: “It’s been I think, the worst campaign I’ve ever seen in my life. I hate it. I hate the fact that people think ‘compromise’ is a dirty word.” The speaker, former first lady Barbara Bush.

It’s not going to happen but….you go girl! Stacey Newman, a Missouri House member who’s frustrated with all the recent debates over birth control and abortions, has proposed legislation to allow vasectomies only when necessary to protect a man from serious injury or death..

(my friend Candace Cambra adds that Virginia State Senator Janet Howell, introduced an amendment to a mandatory ultrasound bill that would require men to have a rectal exam before being prescribed Viagra.)

Former NFL wide receiver Randy Moss will tryout for New Orleans on Tuesday. Guess they figure having him in a Saints uniform can’t be any more embarrassing than “Bounty-gate.”

Decision 2012?

March 5, 2012

Some chatter because when ABC showed Lebron James on Sunday entering the Staples Center, James was carrying a large leather “man-purse.” Well, at least Lebron didn’t have a one-hour special showing him shopping for it.

Deron Williams scored a New Jersey Nets franchise record 57 points tonight. But maybe there should be a asterisk. The game was against the Charlotte Bobcats.

More than a little hypocrisy in some NFL teams acting all upset about New Orleans bounty program because they would “never” do the same thing. And have to think that before his turnaround 2011 season, some 49ers fans might have paid the Saints to go after Alex Smith too.

Several GOP candidates have come out with very soft criticism of Rush Limbaugh’s “slut” comment. Prompting this reaction “It was depressing because what it indicates is that the Republican leaders are afraid of (him). They want to bomb Iran, but they’re afraid of Rush Limbaugh.” From that noted liberal icon George Will.

Ron Paul on Rush Limbaugh’s apology to Sandra Fluke for calling her a “slut.” He’s doing it because some people were taking their advertisements off of his program. It was his bottom line he was concerned about. “I don’t think he’s very apologetic. It’s in his best interest, that’s why he did it.” Now, I’m not voting for Paul, but if he decides to retire from Congress, and host an honest talk show, I’ll watch any time.

Kentucky has won the SEC and no doubt a #1 seed in the March Madness tournament. The two big questions – so can they get to the Final Four? And if so, will they be the third Calipari team to do so and have their wins vacated?

The SF Giants won a split-squad spring training game 11-1 against the Arizona Diamondbacks, after a 41 minute delay caused by a swarm of bees. 11-1? After last year’s offense? Let’s just hope that MLB doesn’t classify bees as PEDs.

Worst thing about watching Kobe and the Lakers take on Lebron James and the Heat – they can’t both lose.

A Philadelphia man who has been using a cell phone jammer to interrupt conversations on city buses has apparently put the device away after learning he could face fines and jail time. But I’ll bet they are lining up to offer him a job as a consultant for movie theaters.

Japanese equestrian Hiroshi Hoketsu just qualified for the London Olympics at age 70. Japanese officials, however, have not yet decided if he will compete. But how many people would tune in just to hear him yell “You punks get off my field.”

Okay, following the Lindsay Lohan/SNL complaint post yesterday, decided to be positiv and mention some all-time favorite SNL characters, skits and lines. For starters, loved Rosanne Rosannadana, Tina Fey’s Sarah Palin, Schweddy balls, and Point-Counterpoint – “Jane, you ignorant slut.”

Also “Toonces” the driving cat, “two wild and crazy guys,” Conehead family feud, church lady, Sully and Denise….. more suggestions encouraged in comments.

Two plus hour delays to reach the new United Airlines by phone Sunday. The airline message says “If you’re not flying in the next 72 hours, please call back later. If you are flying in the next 72 hours, you’re SOL.” (Or with luck have a book or game that’s not attached to your phone.

Saints be praised.

January 8, 2012

For anyone who wanted to see what Andrew Luck would be like with really good receivers, I refer you to highlights of Drew Brees tonight against the Lions.

Not to say the Saints were unstoppable. But in the second half, they were scoring faster than Tiger Woods during his marriage in a room full of waitresses.

Barry J. Sanders, who committed today to Stanford, said he looks forward to playing with other great “student-athletes.” The number one response from most other top high-school football recruits? “What’s a student-athlete?”

Amazing thought. When this season started, Houston QB T.J. Yates was further down the depth chart than Tim Tebow.

By the time most people read this, Saturday night’s GOP debate will have been eclipsed by Sunday morning’s debate. If eclipsed is the right word. But for now, so much for the rest of the GOP field beating up on Mitt Romney. The Detroit Lions defense did a better job against Drew Brees.

Apparently catcher Jorge Posada has decided to retire from playing Major League Baseball. Many fans who watched the Yankees play in 2010 think he already did.

An actual serious post, Jan 8 is the one-year anniversary of the horrible shooting in Tucson that killed six people and critically injured Congresswoman Gabby Giffords. While recovering, Giffords hasn’t decided whether or not to run again in 2012. Here’s a thought, let her husband run, hold the seat for two years, and then step down assuming she has recovered sufficiently by 2014.

Headline about newly published “The Obamas’: Book Reveals Friction Between Rahm Emanuel, Michelle Obama.” Uh, really? Wouldn’t it be more of a headline if Rahm Emanuel didn’t have friction with someone?

Mitt Romney said Saturday night that it ‘pains him to fire workers in order to make a company more profitable.” Sounds like the grownup version of the old parents’ spanking comment “This hurts me more than it hurts you.” And about as believable.

Meanwhile, in Washington, D.C., Barack Obama is working on his re-election strategy. Number one campaign objective: “More GOP debates.”

Jon Huntsman appears to be a reasonable likable man who might, in spite of his conservative social views, get some independent and even Democratic votes in November. Yet he apparenly has no chance. Wonder if the 2012 GOP is considering changing their mascot from an elephant to a lemming.

Ah lawyers, just got an email from a Vegas hotel titled “Score your seat to watch ‘the Big Game.'” (inside the email it says Big Game XVLI Feb. 5, 2012) Add “Super Bowl” to the list of terms that must be copyrighted.

Memo from Jesus?

December 26, 2011

Okay this is a REALLY short post due to lousy internet….and maybe it’s a bus to purgatory joke anyway but.

Secret memo from Jesus to Tim Tebow: “Hey, I love you man, but got to go with the guy who really is a Saint.”

And seriously, congratulations to Drew Brees on 5087 yards and breaking Marino’s record. And for being a nice guy too.

Medals and beads…

February 13, 2010

During the Olympic opening ceremony, four cauldrons were supposed to rise from the floor and be lit by Canada’s most famous athletes. But a mechanical error meant one torch remained stuck in place. Embarrassed organizers vowed this was the last time they hired engineers from Toyota.


In an internet age when most people can get real-time updates for anything, NBC has Winter Olympic coverage opening on a holiday weekend, with big events actually happening in a reasonable time zone. (The same zone as most of the Western US.) And what do they do? Tape delay top events for late (8p-11pm)- prime time. About the only think they could do that would be stupider would be to mess with the crown jewel of their regular programming, the Tonight Show. Oops, never mind.

A few thoughts from New Orleans.

Many Mardi Gras parades feature celebrities on their lead float, and these celebrities also throw beads. Mary Matalin was an honorary Muse during the all-women Muses parade. Any parade goers hoping for beads on one side of the street were disappointed – for some reason Mary only turned to the right.


Florida Gator fans took some heat for comparing Tim Tebow to God. There’s a similar situation now in New Orleans, except they’re comparing God to Drew Brees.

Sign in New Orleans bar. The Nike swoosh in gold and black – titled “Just Drew It.”


T-shirt seen also in New Orleans – religious looking picture of Drew Brees saying “Breesus is my homeboy.”


This just in, FEMA sent Saints coach Sean Payton a telegram wishing him good luck in the playoffs.


Just how overhyped is Danica Patrick? Apparently there are commentators who are referring to her Daytona NASCAR debut as a “smashing success.”.

A few thoughts halfway through a playoff weekend.

January 16, 2010

Being the punter for the New Orleans Saints today was like being the fact checker on Sarah Palin’s speechwriting staff.


With the lousy performances by both the Ravens and the Cardinals, this was the worst day for bird fans since US Airways hit all those geese.


Cincinnati Bengals coach Marvin Lewis was named coach of the year. Unfortunately as Bengals fans found out last week, it’s no longer 2009.


Bristol Palin said in “In Touch” magazine that she considers herself “a born-again virgin.” What’s next, Tiger Woods and John Edwards retaking their marriage vows?

The Stanford men’s basketball team lost 77-73 to Washington State, despite outscoring the Cougars 47-31 in the second half. Stanford’s Jeremy Green said afterwards “At halftime, coach really got to us; his speech, he really got into it.”

Perhaps next time Coach Dawkins should give that speech before the first half.


Tiger Woods has apparently entered a rehab clinic for sex addiction. The clinic’s motto? “Just don’t do it.”


Apparently many people believe that sex addiction would explain Tiger Woods’ reckless behavior with so many women. Of course, that behavior could also be explained by the fact that he’s a rich successful male athlete used to getting anything he wants.