Archive for the ‘Trump jokes’ category

Actually keeping score?

August 29, 2019

Ok. I get that some people think I’m a little obsessed to be stressed about Democratic Presidential primaries this early. And yet there are folks who are seriously stressed about the scores of week 4 pre-season NFL football.

With back-to-back home runs today, Minnesota Twins broke the major league record season for most home runs on the road. which was 138. And there’s a full month left in the season.
But sure, Barry Bonds is the one whose home run total should have an asterisk…

At least for remainder of season can 2019 SF Giants officially retire the term “home field advantage?

Two weeks after Chris Davis had a dugout confrontation with manager Brandon Hyde, Orioles reliever Richard Bleier and 3rd-base coach Jose David Flores also ended up in a public shouting match in the dugout.
Baltimore fans just wish the team would show that much energy on the field.

Alex Trebek is back at work taping the new season of “Jeopardy!,” five months after being diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer.

“What is really good news?”

 

Travel rant.  Austrian Airlines and Lufthansa are offering a scheduled LEGAL connection between a Vienna to Frankfurt flight and a Frankfurt to San Francisco flight that is 45 minutes!?!
So will transfer assistance be provided by flying pig?

The latest wannabe mass shooter at High Point University told police he was trying to get into a fraternity and that “if his roommate got into a fraternity and he didn’t, he had a plan to kill his roommate and himself.”
But no, we don’t have an epidemic of white male privilege.

 

Interesting timing. Trump wants G7 at Mar-a-Lago and mean bitch Karma along with Mother Nature remind him. “Dude, it’s hurricane season.”

 

Well, since most bugs can’t swim Hurricane Dorian might take care of the Doral bed bug problem.

Trump today canceled his trip to Poland.   Guess it’s just as well Trump had already canceled Danish part of European trip. Does anyone think Mother Pence would have let Mike have dinner with the very attractive Danish Prime Minister?

 

 

Does anyone think Trump would have canceled his trip if he were scheduled to go to Buckingham Palace? Or to one of his rallies?  Or to one of his golf resorts?

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Without a little bit of Luck

August 25, 2019

Colts fans must feel as shocked and betrayed as if someone stole their team in the middle of the night.

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Wonder how many fans in Indianapolis who booed Andrew Luck as a coward for retiring would cheer if the Colts signed Colin Kaepernick in his place.

 

But yes, your reminder, Colin Kaepernick is still available.

Pablo Sandoval to have Tommy John surgery. Wonder if he’ll recover in time to pitch next season.

Patriots TE Lance Kendricks now joins Benjamin Watson on the suspended list, and safety Patrick Chung has been arrested on a cocaine charge. Gosh, whoever thought Bill Belichick would have so many players doing something illegal?

Tennessee Volunteers sophomore CB Bryce Thompson arrested for misdemeanor domestic assault after he allegedly threatened to “slap the s— out of” a woman and to “shoot up the school.”
Since Thompson was a Freshman All-American and led the team in interceptions last year, how long until someone decides he’s a nice kid who deserves a second chance?

Meanwhile, NCAA has put Mississippi State football on probation for academic cheating. Well, good to know they’ve punished the only problem school in the SEC.

With about 5 weeks left in MLB season, Baltimore GM Mike Elias has fired 11 people in front office and scouting department. He says it’s “to provide those who lost their jobs a jump at getting back into the market.”
Because don’t all other teams want to snatch up talent from the Orioles?

On Trump tariffs, “This is not the way to proceed. Apart from everything else, those who support the tariffs are at risk of incurring the blame for the downturn in the global economy, irrespective of whether or not that is true.”
This sentence from that noted voice of reason Boris Johnson!!??

Trump at G7  “The question I was asked most today by fellow World Leaders, who think the USA is doing so well and is stronger than ever before, happens to be, “Mr. President, why does the American media hate your Country so much? Why are they rooting for it to fail?””
Uh, would he like to name ONE of those world leaders?

How long until Trump claims the Amazon rainforest fires are the fault of Jeff Bezos?

Joe Walsh says he will primary Donald Trump in 2020.  Let me be very clear, I agree with Joe Walsh on very little, and disagree with him strongly on guns and a woman’s right to choose.
But I believe he is a sane person who loves this country. And cannot say the same about Trump.

Two and done?

March 18, 2018

Cincinnati blew a 22 point lead to Nevada in 11 minutes. Who did they think they were? The Atlanta Falcons?

 

Bearcats fall apart, Xavier falls apart. Normally when the city of Cincinnati is this embarrassed in sports, the Bengals are involved.

God believes in Sister Jean.  (Loyola)

Syracuse just busted President Obama’s brackets by beating Michigan State. So will Trump invite them to the White House.

Donald Trump  was so cranky Sunday morning you think he’d picked Virginia to win it all.

No perfect brackets left in #Marchmadness Except @realDonaldTrump’s. He will unveil his perfect picks once tournament over.

Russia ordered expulsion of 23 British diplomats. Assume the diplomats know enough to turn down invitations for farewell tea parties.

Facebook has banned Cambridge Analytica, this right after they locked their barn door and went looking for the horses.

Trump claimed Andrew McCabe’s firing was a “great day for Democracy.” Well, it could turn out in long run to be a great day for Democrats.

So who will be first Republican to say there IS no “red line” with Trump? Points for honesty?

So if @realDonaldTrump does fire Mueller who will be the first Republican to say it’s “really troubling?”

March 17, besides being St. Patrick’s Day, was also St. Gertrude’s Day. St Gertrude is the patron saint of cats. Cats thinking, as if we need an intermediary with God…..

 

Seen on Nestlé bottled water “WARNING: Cap is a small part and poses a CHOKING HAZARD, particularly for children.”. #toomanylawyers

Lindsey Graham this am, if Donald Trump fired Robert Mueller. “As I said before, if he tried to do that, that would be the beginning of the end of his presidency.” So what would Graham do – “thoughts and prayers?”

So with all @realDonaldTrump’s love for TV personalities, Anthony Kennedy has to realize if he retires he’ll be replaced by Judge Judy.

Andrew McCabe is a Republican. #justsayin

Can’t win them all

February 5, 2018

Super Bowl LII was watched by 103.4 million Americans, the lowest number since 2009. How much of that was fact NY is biggest media market, and New Yorkers hated both teams?

If NFL wants better ratings one suggestion is to make the “catch” rule at least as understandable as the balk rule.

Vince Lombardi trophy last night “”On the whole, I’d rather be in Philadelphia.”

 

Meanwhile did the Dow take a knee Monday for Trump?

Eagles  as a team are not Trump pals nor fans. Wonder how long it will take POTUS to declare that Patriots won the Super Bowl electoral college?

Gisele to her kids “Daddy won five times. They never won before. Their whole life, they never won a Super Bowl. You have to let someone else win sometimes.” So nice of Patriots to “let” Eagles win…

Tom Brady “Losing sucks.” And in Cleveland they’re stampeding for the violins.

Good news for Philadelphia police. City may have gone over-the-top on their Super Bowl celebration. But there’s no chance of another anytime soon with the 76ers or Phillies.

 

If Pepsi wanted to introduce “Quiet Doritos”, for theater or other times when eating in public, guessing they might have a thing.    But who the bleep came up with idea of “Lady Doritos?”

Is the recommended beverage for Lady Doritos a can of New Coke?

The President of the United States now calling opposition party “un-American” & “treasonous.” Even by banana republic dictator standards that’s pretty over the top.

So were Republicans who didn’t stand or applaud during Obama’s SOTU also “treasonous?” Asking for a country.

Give Trump credit – Bigliest one-day drop in the stock market ever.

Trump calls Devin Nunes a man of “tremendous courage and grit.” I think I like Lindsay Graham’s calling Nunes “Inspector Clouseau” better.

    Really? It took  Trump all weekend to think of that name?

 

Adam Schiff “It may be time for General Kelly to give the President a time out,” How silly. We know Trump isn’t a toddler. Because toddlers are capable of learning.

The one that got away…

December 18, 2017

Robbie Gould, cut by Chicago last year is 30-32 on FG & has made 20 in a row. His replacement Connor Barth is 11 for 16. That’s so Bears #DaBears

On the other hand, good news for Bears fans.  A win against the Browns is on next Sunday’s schedule.

Announcers for #GBvsCAR talking about how well Packers fans travel to away games. They’re great team w/ great fans…but if you had ANY reason to get out of Green Bay in December..?

With Christmas Eve next Sunday, and lots of shopping and preparation for the holiday,  have to wonder how many NFL fans took this Sunday off .   Of course no one expected the Seahawks to join them.

Top HS QB prospect Justin Fields has committed to Georgia over Florida State. Seminoles feeling crabby? Or crab-leggy?

Power outage at Atlanta airport, a Delta hub, strands thousands of passengers. American and United immediately introduce electricity surcharge.

Headlines that more than 300 people out of 5,000 on a Royal Caribbean Cruise ship got sick norovirus this week. Wow, that’s almost as many as the number of passengers on any given morning who were hungover.

Trump lawyer accuses Mueller of obtaining emails illegally – so former FBI director should have just had Russia get them for him?

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Putin reportedly called Trump to thank CIA for tip that helped stop a St. Petersburg bombing. That moment when Pres. of Russia is more positive about U.S. Intelligence than Pres of US…

I understand why people who’re just getting by would do anything for big tax cut. But when you have more $$$ than you can spend in a lifetime? #CorkerKickback

Senator Corker said he had no idea about the provision introduced at the last minute into the GOP tax bill that will save him over $1 million in tax a year. I think I like “pushed into a lifeboat” better.

Anyone else think Mnuchin’s Treasury department has spent less time actually analyzing #GOP tax bill than his wife Louise Linton spent making her designer clothing & jewelry Christmas wish list.

Because Trump thinks he’s done enough already? Tax bill would impose a 20% tax on goods made in Puerto Rico & shipped to mainland. #WTF?

Mistakes were made.

December 11, 2017

Giancarlo Stanton sounds positively giddy about leaving #Marlins for #Yankees. And of course NY fans & media will be so supportive if he has anything less than an MVP year.

 

NFL warned teams today it will begin “significant discipline” to anyone engaging in offensive conduct or contact against game officials.”
What about discipline for offensive officiating?

On a non-political note, three of the nicest words for Tuesday are “Kawhi Leonard ‘probable.”” #GoSpursGo @Spurs

According to Hank Schulman Stanton has been spending “Octobers in Europe unable to really watch the playoffs because it just kills him.”
Save this post if Yankees miss 2018 Postseason

Derek Jeter, on Stanton trade “No, there isn’t anything I would do differently.” Has someone checked former Yankees’ captain for concussions?

 

Maybe they don’t have Louis Vuitton stores in Lithuania?

Now it’s #CarsonWentz who is out for the season. With three weeks to go how many stars will be left for the @NFL playoffs?

Oops. Neither Bangladesh nor Brooklyn were on Trump’s travel ban list.#PortAuthority

#PortAuthority suspect said he made his bomb at work. And some people feel guilty about wasting employer time by with games or online shopping.

Dept of Education under Betsy Devos has stopped cancelling student loan debt for those defrauded by failed for-profit schools. Because how could they acknowledge it might have been a major mistake to attend Trump University?

Just imagine if when @BarackObama went to Hawaii for vacation he stayed at resort owned by his family & made a profit off trip. GOP heads would have exploded.

If you’re really “pro-life” it seems like a no-brainer to vote for man who successfully prosecuted murderers of four little girls. @GDouglasJones

 

December bringing different man or men every day accused of sexual harassment. This is becoming like a very twisted advent calendar.

It”s only Monday & this week #RyanLizza#MarioBatali…. Beginning to think it’s a bad idea to put men in positions of power.

Waiting for @realDonaldTrump to respond that he doesn’t get what all #KaylaMoore fuss is about “I have a Jew son-in-law.”

 

Just wondering, how many people have attorneys (plural) and KNOW what religion they all are? #KaylaMoore #NoMoore

Considering #KaylaMoore‘s “Jew” lawyer comment & his friend talking about child brothels, I understand why #RoyMoore tried to lie low weekend before election.

Crickets on #PortAuthority from @realDonaldTrump If alleged wannabe terrorist had been from country on his travel ban he’d have tweeted within 30 seconds.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders says on Trump sexual assault allegations “American people knew this & voted for him,”   So WTF was Donald Trump doing going after Bill Clinton 20+ years later after his election?

Trump attacks @NYTimes for saying he watches 4-8 hours of TV a day. Maybe he means he really watches 8-12 hours….

Roll tide?

December 7, 2017

Open note to the good people of Alabama. Hard for me to say this, but vote in Doug Jones & I will actually root for Nick Saban & Crimson Tide. Once anyway. #Priorities

Rafael Palmeiro, 53, says he is contemplating a return to MLB. Uh oh, nobody tell Jamie Moyer.

Roger Goodell has signed a $200 million contract to remain NFL commissioner. Yeah, that man really needs a tax cut.

Cowboys to debut new uniforms this weekend. Unfortunately for Dallas fans they will still have same old Cowboys in them.

Former gymnasts & their parents pushing for maximum sentence for ex-Team USA doctor Larry Nassar. And indeed it’s a risk. If he ever gets out of prison he could run for office as a Republican.

If San Antonio Spurs could just add one good player, they could be a great team this year. @kawhileonard @Spurs

Pfizer is introducing a generic Viagra for “only” about $32 a pill. That’s still a stiff price.

GOP House just approved bill to allow gun owners to carry concealed weapons across state lines. But we’re still out of luck with marijuana gummies.

So for safety reasons Nikki Haley indicates we might not send US athletes to #WinterOlympics2018 in Korea. Even more encouragement for Kim Jong Un to try his missiles to US mainland?

Maybe Russia and the US can have their own games, where all the medals go to Putin and Trump.

Think we could get bipartisan agreement on a special place in hell for those who run red lights at left turn and get stuck in intersection so people going straight can’t go on green.

Now it appears #RoyMoore was dating his wife while she was still married. Wonder how “Christian” bakers feel now about THAT wedding cake?

 

A Delta flight from JFK to Seattle, which is over 6 hours, had all toilets malfunction and had to make a bathroom break stop for passengers in Billings. At Spirit Airlines they’d have probably passed around paper cups for $5.

San Francisco central subway reportedly is falling further behind schedule. Construction started in 2011, supposed to open in 2018, city says 2019, and main contractor now estimates 2021.
If we’re doing a pool, dibs on 2025.
If Senator Franken steps down tomorrow to do the “right thing” can he also call on GOP colleagues and President to do the same?
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While we move forward against sexual predators in politics, remember, past allegations matter. But can we focus on those currently in office? JFK & Ted are dead, Bill & H.W aren’t running again….

WH said Trump slurred words at end of speech today because he had “a dry throat.” Right. And Hillary wasn’t healthy enough to be President. #sarcasm

Trevor Noah on The Daily Show reminds us Donald Trump is very sensitive about his appearance & so we should absolutely not tweet or post things about  #DentureDonald

 

One of worst things about all sexual harassment stories coming out is that no matter who you are, someone you’ve admired will be or has been caught. Beginning to think men have real self-control issues.

Democrats calling for resignation of one of their most popular Senators. GOP putting more $$$ into campaign of man who wasn’t fit to serve BEFORE sexual allegations. Still think there’s no difference between parties?