Posted tagged ‘NCAA tournament jokes’

If you’re reading this…

March 15, 2017

Are you sure you’re finished with your brackets?

Warriors almost lose to 76ers, Wizards lose to Mavericks, and Spurs with Aldridge back lose to TrailBlazers.  WTF?  Can we blame Trump?

The Los Angeles Lakers are shutting down Luol Deng & Timofey Mozgov for the rest of the NBA season. Which means Deng & Mozgov will be contributing about as much as they have so far in the season.

This is a good thing, not just for @Spurs fans. Glad he’s OK –
“Spurs’ LaMarcus Aldridge cleared to return after minor heart arrhythmia.”

(but based on tonight’s game against Portland, maybe  the team celebrated a bit too much in the afternoon?)

Joint joke with Roberta K.  Israel was eliminated today from the World Baseball Classic after they lost to Japan 8-3.   Had they won, however, the team was probably going to be tested for PEB – Performance Enhancing Bagels.

-.

Jeff Sessions speaking in Richmond “I am astonished to hear people suggest that we can solve our heroin crisis by legalizing marijuana — so people can trade one life-wrecking dependency for another that’s only slightly less awful. Our nation needs to say clearly once again that using drugs will destroy your life.”
Wonder if his speech was followed by a cocktail party.

Ryan says President had a hand in #Trumpcare bill. But we all know Trump has really small hands

Hawaii judge strikes down Muslim Ban 2.0. Waiting for Trump to decry a foreign state meddling in US affairs.

 

Trump promising ‘some very interesting items’ about Obama wiretap claim. Like his “very interesting” facts about Obama’s birth certificate?

Paul Ryan on if #Trumpcare would pass today-“that’s kind of a goofy question” Prompting immediate demands for apology. From Goofy. And Pluto.

Trump wannabe Geert Wilders apparently is losing bigly in Dutch elections. Does this mean Netherlands get added to travel ban?

The CDC Monday said the Zika virus might be present in Florida sperm donations. But hey, so glad Trump is going to be doing away with all those pesky government agencies and regulations:

 

 

After Rand Paul blocked a treaty that would have allowed Montengro into NATO, something Russia opposes, John McCain stated “The senator from Kentucky is now working for Vladimir Putin.”
Uh, only the senator from Kentucky?

 

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The fat lady was humming, at least….

March 20, 2016

Texas A&M coach Billy Kennedy, when asked about their miracle comeback first said “To God be the Glory.” And God is thinking “Don’t blame me, I had switched to the Wisconsin-Xavier game.”

There was a rumor that for the last minute of  Northern Iowa Texas A&M game  ‪#‎TRUtv‬ executives were about to switch to Heidi? ‪#‎MarchMadness‬

 

 

Am confused. Somehow I thought the ‪#‎Pac12‬ was a major basketball conference? ‪#‎MarchMadness‬

Seven Pac-12 teams in the NCAA Tournament. One, Oregon, left after four days. That Stanford NIT win last year is looking better and better….

Johnny Manziel apparently has hired a super agent in an apparent last-ditch effort to find himself a new team. Hint to Johnny, the reason you’re unemployed isn’t your agent.

Who had ‪#‎MiddleTennesseeState‬ vs ‪#‎Syracuse‬ today? Now all of you liars put your hands down. ‪#‎MarchMadness‬

According to Boston media, Pablo Sandoval could be losing his starting job at third base to  25 year-old Travis Shaw, who is making the major league minimum.  Now,  I was okay when Panda said he needed a new challenge,  I was less okay when he started dissing the SF Giants. Apparently mean bitch karma agrees.

Raymond Moore, the tournament director of the BNP Paribas Open, called the WTA (women’s tennis association) “coattail riders,” and added “If I was a lady player, I’d go down every night on my knees and thank God that Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal were born, because they have carried the sport.”
Just wonder, how many American men tennis players most Americans can name? And also wonder what the odds on Serena playing his tournament again? ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

Andrew Pratt, a WR from Akron who took part in the university’s pro day, was accidentally shot by a teammate yesterday morning, but will recover. Guess Pratt really has proved he’s ready for the NFL.

RIchard Sherman ripped Roger Goodell for the new ejection after two personal fouls rule, and said “he’s just a shirt.” Wonder how much Sherman will get fined for that?

Kicker Jon Semerene was dismissed from Miami’s football team Friday after a DUI arrest that made in third Hurricane to be arrested in a week. So clearly the “Canes are back to being a major program?

Once again, who knows what really has gone on between Adam LaRoche and the White Sox: But if LaRoche had hit .307 last year instead of .207, pretty sure he and his son would still be at spring training.

 

Who the heck is ‪#‎ScottBaio‬?  (rhetorical question, mostly.)

How times have changed with running for President. We used to talk about “the best and the brightest.” Now the reason many give for supporting John Kasich – “at least he’s not bat-sh*t crazy.”

John Kasich said “under no circumstances” would he run serve as V.P. for Ted Cruz or Donald Trump. Right, like there was no way Paul Ryan was going to be speaker.

Bernie Sanders, dismissing the idea that he should drop out of the race, said “It would be extraordinarily undemocratic to the tell the people in half the states in America, ‘Oh, you don’t have a right to get involved in the nominating process for the Democratic candidate,'”
Of course, with the electoral college people in 3/4 of the states in America are basically being told their votes don’t matter in the actual election.

President Obama is visiting Cuba. Wonder how many conservatives will react saying, “So, not only is he a closet Muslim, he’s also a Communist?”

From T.C.  “The Toronto Maple Leafs have invited Chicago White Sox’s Adam LaRoche and his son to visit their locker room any time they want. As a matter of fact, they can even dress for the game and sit on the bench until needed.”

The bitters, or the vermouth end?

March 19, 2016

 

Tough loss for Yale after a valiant comeback against Duke today. But to ease the pain guessing when they get home the players’ butlers will make the martinis extra dry.

Even with a loss, how often will these Ivy League ‪#‎Yale‬ kids have the life experience of being cheered as underdogs? ‪#‎dukevsyale‬

 

Well, whatever other troubles ‪#‎Obama‬ has this week, having his ‪#‎MarchMadness‬ pick ‪#‎Kansas‬ out before the ‪#‎Sweet16‬ won’t be one of them.

 

Between the ‪#‎CBS‬ ‪#‎MarchMadness‬ shows and the commercials I think we’re just not seeing enough of ‪#‎CharlesBarkley‬

That moment when ESPN tells you you’re at about the 92th percentile in their  March Madness brackets going into Saturday night games andnd then you realize that in a midnight whim you picked Gonzaga into the Sweet Sixteen…. 🙂     (Am now 97% – #dumbluck #abouttofall  :-)))

Stat of the night from ‪#‎ESPN‬: ‪#‎Warriors‬ & ‪#‎Spurs‬ combined have fewer losses going into tonight (16) than next best team (‪#‎Cavaliers‬ 19).

And even tonight, (17  )

Wonder how many ‪#‎MarchMadness‬ players watched ‪#‎GSvsSA‬ game and realized some ‪#‎Spurs‬ stars are old enough to be their fathers? ‪#‎GoSpursGo‬

Okay, heaven knows I am not a Donald Trump fan. But trying to protest by blocking public roads? Chris Christie can tell you that’s not a winning political strategy.

 

A U.S. Court of Appeals dismissed a class-action lawsuit filed by a woman that Fresh Inc, tricks customers with their $24 “Sugar Lip Treatment” because only 75% of the product twists up beyond the tube opening, so you have to dig the last 25% out. . Uh, just maybe because if you really care about that kind of value you could just buy a $2 Chapstick?

An 18 year-old showing his gun to his friend accidentally fatally shot that friend on Friday in Copiague, New York, Your move, Florida. ‪#‎ifonlyhisfriendwasarmed‬

Now Trump is questioning if Mitt Romney is really a Mormon? What’s next, will Trump ask if the Pope is Catholic?

 

So in the general election does ‪#‎Trump‬ plan to question if ‪#‎Hillary‬ is really a woman?

Herman Cain says Donald Trump is not a racist. Nein, nein, nein.

 

From Marc Ragovin,  “Bernie Sanders campaigned in Flagstaff, Az. the other day. Although the way his run has been going, he should have chosen Tombstone.”

If you are reading this….

March 15, 2016

And haven’t pressed “submit” tonight, either you don’t care or shouldn’t you be working on your brackets?

As we approach March Madness, remember, nothing is certain but death, taxes, and Kansas finding a way to lose before the finals.

 

 

In retrospect one reason shows like “The Bachelor” are so popular – you get to watch people make really stupid decisions and it doesn’t affect the fate of the world? ‪#‎Presidentialprimaries‬

 

 

So now Pete Rose’s lawyer is denying that Rose sent Trump a baseball saying “Mr. Trump, please make America great again.” The Donald claims the baseball was an endorsement.
And how could you doubt either of these fine  gentlemen? ‪#‎sarcasm‬

Disney has announced that Harrison Ford, 73, will return for a fifth Indiana Jones movie in 2019. Only this time the lost relic will be Jones himself.

The US House is holding two hearings on the water crisis in Flint, Michigan. Would that they keep at this with the same intensity they have on Benghazi.

 

New England Patriots safety Nate Ebner will take a leave of absence from the team to train for the U.S. rugby team and this summer’s Olympics. Other international rugby teams just demanded a guard on the rugby balls.

A traffic monitoring group says that the average San Francisco commuter spent more than three days in traffic in 2015. And down in Los Angeles they’re thinking “amateurs.”

Rick Pitino, defending his embattled Louisville program, says that the problem was a graduate assistant, Andre McGee “whose sole responsibility was to make sure they do the right things.”
Right, because in major programs, all graduate assistants have the power and the $$$$$$ to hire prostitutes. And none of the coaching staff would have any clue.
I think I like “pushed into a lifeboat better.”

Hillary Clinton was caught on a “hot mic” speculating about Chris Christie’s reasons for endorsing Donald Trump. “Did he have a debt or something?” Whatever you think of Hillary, the woman is not stupid.

So what’s the difference between ‪#‎MarcoRubio‬ and ‪#‎JebBush‬?   About three weeks? ‪#‎GOPPrimary‬

Ben Carson, in explaining why he endorsed the Donald, said that even if Trump “turns out not to be such a great president … we’re only looking at four years.” as opposed to if the Democrats win “multiple generations and perhaps the loss of the American dream forever.”
Wow, well at least someone thinks Hillary is powerful.

 

So folks saying they always knew ‪#‎Trump‬ ‪#‎Clinton‬ would be 2016 Pres. candidates also will pretend their 1st weekend brackets are perfect?

Donald ‪#‎Trump‬ is  saying. “We need to bring our party together.”. And never has Tonto’s quote been more apt  – “Who’s ‘we’. white man?”

‪#‎TedCruz‬, doubling down on promise to be a strong president for Israel. Sorry, I thought we were choosing President for the US? ‪#‎GOPPrimary‬

 

Since ‪#‎TedCruz‬ might be last alternative to ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬ would like to thank the San Antonio  ‪#‎Spurs‬ for reminding us of the possibilities of sanity in Texas.

Jerry Brown,  “If Trump were ever elected, we’d have to build a wall around California to defend ourselves from the rest of this country.”

Another reason we Californians love Governor Moonbeam 2.0.   (He did add   “By the way that is a joke. We don’t like walls, we like bridges.”)

How long is it?

March 14, 2016

Open note to whoever leaked the NCAA tournament brackets, and thus spoiled CBS’s efforts to turn the selection show into a bloated two-hour commercial fest; mean bitch Karma wants to shake your hand.

 

Coach John Calipari is not happy with Kentucky’s #4 seed. Because few of his one-and-dones can count that high?

 

The NCAA is looking into finding out who leaked their ‪#‎MarchMadness‬ brackets. While they’re at it can they also find the person who decided a two-hour selection show was a good idea? ‪#‎criminalstupidity‬.

Stanford has fired men’s basketball coach Johnny Dawkins. What ingratitude for the man who brought them 2 NIT championships.

 

 

ESPN reports that in a Congressional committee discussion today on concussions Jeff Miller, the NFL’s senior V.P. for health and safety was asked if the link between football and neurodegenerative diseases like CTE has been established: And he said “The answer to that question is certainly yes.
Hmm, is this because Mike Ditka endorsed Trump?

My friend Pat Markevitch saw a Marco Rubio rally on TV.. A Sanders supporter was in the crowd holding up a Bernie sign. Rubio said “Don’t worry, you won’t get beat up at my rally”.
Isn’t it nice to know someone in the GOP has standards?

 

I may make jokes about Florida, where I went to high school. But my friends who still live there get revenge every four years – because their votes actually COUNT in a presidential primary and election. ‪#‎Californiabluerthanblue‬

Polls showing ‪#‎Trump‬ crushing ‪#‎Rubio‬ in Florida. Is this because Floridians really don’t know Trump, or because they really do know Rubio?

Tinder apparently was down Monday.  The horror. So Americans had to meet their Ms. and Mr. Right Nows the old fashioned way – in a bar.

Sarah Palin canceled her appearance at a Trump rally because her husband Todd has been injured in a snow machine crash. Waiting to see how they can make this Obama’s fault.

 

So after feeling the TEENIEST bit guilty for making a bus to hell joke about Todd Palin’s snow machine accident, I now hear that Sarah Palin, on her way back from Florida to Alaska to see him, stopped off to appear at a Trump rally…. ‪#‎johnmccainsgiftthatkeepsongiving‬ .

Pete Rose is the latest to endorse Trump: The Donald is really racking up the famous athletes who had a lot of collisions with other players and walls.

 –

Ditka, Rose, Hogan, Damon…. The list of Trump endorsers grows. So how does it not yet include Donald Sterling?

 

Metro North and LIRR commuter trains to and from New York City normally allow riders to drink. But they will be dry Thursday, St Patrick’s Day, through 5 a.m. Friday. Meaning, it’s chug-a-lug time before boarding. ‪#‎ifonlytheywereallarmed‬

Midlife madness.

March 21, 2015

Biggest surprise for casual fans who usually only watch NBA finals but tune into ‪#‎Marchmadness‬: Many white men do play basketball.

Lots of empty seats at the UAB vs UCLA second round game in Louisville. Guess Iowa State and SMU fans tore up rather than sold their tickets

 

The SF Chronicle is reporting that the SF Giants, looking at a possible 2015 power drought, want to expand Barry Bonds’ presence with the team. Giants President Larry Baer “we’re trying to do something a little more than just coming down to spring training.” Hmm, like starting in left field?

Regarding this “party of stupid” thing, have to wonder what the Republicans think they are doing holding up the Loretta Lynch Attorney General nomination. Because until she is confirmed, that job belongs to that GOP “favorite” Eric Holder.

 

Okay, just guessing a tweet like this has never before been sent by an NFL player. From Baltimore Ravens OL John Urshel: “My paper, A Cascadic Multigrid Algorithm for Computing the Fiedler Vector…, has been published in the Journal of Computational Mathematics.”

And in the SEC they’re thinking, “Big deal, we’ve also had a player or two major in foreign languages.”

Say it ain’t so. So season six of Downton Abbey will be its last. On the brighter side, at least we don’t have to deal with the horror of watching Lady Mary go through menopause.

A man was shot at New Orleans Airport yesterday after attacking TSA workers. No word on his name but can’t be a member of last year’s Saints defense – they couldn’t hurt anyone..

Richard White, the 63 year old Louisiana taxi driver who was shot while assaulting TSA workers at New Orleans Airport, has died. He also apparently was carrying a bag filled with a half-dozen gas-filled Molotov cocktails and a barbecue lighter. Not sure White’s motive, but FOX News’s reaction will no doubt be to criticize Obama for not condemning “radical Islam.”

 

Gwyneth Paltrow, in an interview with CNN Money this week. “I’m incredibly close to the common woman…. in that I’m a woman, and a mother”. Anyone but me have this evil urge to watch “Sliding Doors” again and have her tragically caught in those closing doors?”

Steve Nash, 41, is retiring. “So young?” asked Jamie Moyer.

 

From T.C.  “The Canadian Diving Team finished with 5 medals this week at the FINA Diving World Series in Dubai. Montreal Canadiens’ PK Subban, who was fined for his 3rd diving infraction last week by the NHL, was not part of the team in Dubai.”

(For non-Canadians and/or non-hockey fans… substitute Blake Griffin for PK Subban)

Cinderella needs to knock off those Thursday night benders?

March 20, 2015

A 17 year old woman was bitten by an alligator in Tampa while swimming in a retention pond near a mall. When will people learn? In Florida, gators ORIGINATED the concept of “standing your ground.”

Apparently almost 2 percent of entrants in ESPN’s tournament challenge had UCLA advancing to play UAB in the second round. Did they use one of those “quick pick” lottery machines?

Thursday, Day 1, was wild, but Friday’s potential day 2 Cinderellas may have stayed up partying after midnight last night. ‪#‎noupsets‬ ‪#‎NCAATournament‬

 

Happiest people about the lack of upsets on Day 2?  Las Vegas bookies who probably took in a lot of last minute upset-money.

Donald Trump says that as President he promises to make the USA ‘so rich’ that Social Security and Medicare won’t need cuts. So is part of the Donald’s strategy for the country to follow his example and declare bankruptcy four times?

A new poll shows 36% of adults in the Boston area support the city’s bid to host the 2016 Summer Olympics. That high?

Eva Mendes yesterday said that the “number one cause of divorce in America” was “sweatpants.” Sweatpants? More like spandex.

The Oklahoma Thunder are shutting Kevin Durant down indefinitely. Along with their season.

 

 

Robert Morris was up 2-0 on Duke today. So maybe we’ve already had the moment that many of the Colonials will later describe as the “one shining moment”of their lives.

 

Buffalo lost today to West Virginia. Thereby ending a mini-controversy over the team having “New York” on its jersey, even though the state school is a long way from New York City. Wonder how many of the complainers were Jets-Giants fans.

Wonder if all those people who thought Kentucky was invincible are getting nervous. That 79-56 win over Hampton yesterday didn’t even cover the 33 point spread. ‪#‎Marchmadness‬

The Oklahoma Thunder announced Kevin Durant has been “removed from basketball activities.” Does that mean they traded him to the Knicks?

 

From Bill Littlejohn “Johnny Manziel is reportedly doing ‘fantastic’ in rehab. Meanwhile, flags are flying at half-staff on the Las Vegas strip.”

 

From Gary Bachman.  “Barack Obama has made his March Madness picks. Unfortunately, they are unlikely to be confirmed by the Senate.”