Posted tagged ‘bracket jokes’

Brackets, brackets, who’s got brackets?

March 13, 2016

So I wasn’t paying close attention to the NCAATournament  brackets. What seed did the Philadelphia 76ers get.



#‎StMarys‬ is out of the ‪#‎NCAATournament‬. But maybe the Gaels can continue ‪#‎Stanford‬‘s Northern California ‪#‎NIT‬ dominance.

LSU turned down an NIT invitation and said they will not play in this postseason. Well, with 38 points in the SEC opening game not like they played in that tournament either.

SF Giants infield definitely leading the league in college boys – Posey/FSU, Belt/Texas, Panik/St. Johns, Crawford/UCLA, Duffy/Long Beach St, Susac/Oregon State, Tomlinson/Texas Tech… And Mac Williamson/Wake Forest, Osich/Oregon State, Samardzjia/Notre Dame….
Should be fun during March Madness.

Mississippi State’s Dak Prescott, expected to be one of the first QB’s taken in next month’s draft, was arrested yesterday for DUI. So was Prescott just trying to prove he’s NFL ready?

ESPN is reporting that at “at least 3 former University of Louisville men’s basketball recruits have confirmed to NCAA investigators that they attended parties inside an on-campus dorm where strippers danced for them and prostitutes were paid to have sex with them.”
Kind of makes you wonder what the schools that beat out Louisville for recruits offered?
New York’s Mayor de Blasio tweets about Donald Trump “Of course he’s a racist.” Well, and I’m sure GOP primary voters care a lot what a liberal NY mayor thinks.

A Florida man who warned officers he was speeding to get home to the bathroom was arrested and then ended up urinating and defecating in the police car. ‪#‎ifonlyhewasarmed‬ ‪#‎YourmoveTexas‬

John Boehner has endorsed ‪#‎JohnKasich‬ for President. So much for any orange solidarity movement.

Marco Rubio won the D.C. GOP Primary with 37.3 % of the vote. Does that mean there are at least 37.3 Republicans in Washington, D.C.?


President Obama has apparently narrowed his choices to replace Antonin Scalia on the Supreme Court down to three. So will the GOP stand fast with their threats not to give them a hearing? Or will they roll the dice and take the chance on a replacement pick being from Clinton, Sanders, or Trump?

Donald Trump, playing the blame game on violence at his rallies “Bernie Sanders is lying when he says his disruptors aren’t told to go to my events. Be careful Bernie, or my supporters will go to yours!”
Wait, I thought this was all Obama’s fault.


It’s clearly his fault….

March 19, 2015

Texas Southern – gone, SMU – gone, Texas – gone, Baylor – gone. Last time the state of Texas had a day this bad, the Alamo was involved.

Stephen F. Austin makes a strong showing but joins Thursday’s Texas ‪#‎MarchMadness‬ loss parade. How long will it take Ted Cruz to blame Obama?

So many upsets and busted brackets that with their lack of  productivity today, American office workers are being named honorary members of Congress. ‪#‎MarchMadness‬

That stampeding sound you hear is every potential GOP Presidential candidate rushing to tell Iowans “I feel your pain.”

(UAB over Iowa State.)

Looking good for cat brackets. Georgia State is the Panthers. (Two most common reactions across America – “Georgia State has a Panther mascot?” “Georgia State has a team?”)


How many of their nine lives did ‪#Bearcats‬ use in beating ‪#‎Purdue‬?    And thus earning a beat down by Kentucky.


But really, Bearcats are  not real cats. But that last Cincinnati shot at the buzzer in regulation sure looked like voodoo was involved. ‪#‎Marchmadness‬

It has been an absolute consensus that ‪#‎UCLA‬ did not belong in the ‪#‎NCAATournament‬. Apparently neither did ‪#‎SMU‬
Getting into the NCAA tournament when with their record they belonged in the NIT, then winning on a disputed goal tending call on a 3-point shot. Well, maybe God IS a UCLA Bruin. Or maybe he/she REALLY doesn’t like that east coast bias.
Larry Brown says Kentucky could make the playoffs in the NBA East. Coach John Calipari is thinking “Make the playoffs in the East? That’s absurd. We should be at least a five seed.”
Liza Minnelli is back in rehab. At this point is she getting a frequent stay discount?
The SF Giants announced that Angel Pagan is having back issues, will need an injection, and will miss at least another three games. So congrats to everyone who had March 19 in the pool.
President Obama yesterday publicly mulled the idea of mandatory voting. Why go to the trouble of making it the law? Just give everyone who votes a lottery ticket…. The USA would be at 90% turnout in no time.
Israel PM Benjamin Netanyahu, after promising during his campaign that there would be no Palestinian state, today said “I don’t want a one-state solution. I want a sustainable, peaceful two-state solution…” So I guess he has more in common with American politicians than many of us thought.

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Throwing darts?

March 15, 2015

Amazing how many people who will wait until April 14, or file for extensions. with their taxes because they don’t have time, will spend most of this evening on their ‪#‎MarchMadness‬ brackets.



It’s late night on Selection Sunday and most Americans are hard at working trying to predict who’s going to end up in the finals losing to Kentucky.

As if we didn’t need more proof that sports is a young and fit person’s game, Georgia State won the Sun Belt championship today, which got them into the NCAA tournament. And coach Ron Hunter, while celebrating the win on the court, tore his ACL. (Somebody at the SF Giants guard Jeremy Affeldt if one of his underdog bracket teams wins.)


There were lots of disappointed bubble teams today on March Madness Selection Sunday. But based on their record, it should have been at least a ten seed for the NY Knicks


Almost as much of a tradition as the ‪#‎MarchMadness‬ selection, is the bitching from teams who think they were one of the “first four out.” Right. Because they were denied a chance to get destroyed in the first round.

While much of the country is concerned about their ‪#‎MarchMadness‬ seeding, here in the SF Bay Area fans of local teams were wondering if Stanford and Cal had a chance to meet in the ‪#‎NIT‬ finals.

(Alas, Cal ended up on the wrong side of the NIT bubble, and turned down a CBI bid. )

The ‪#‎NIT‬ selection committee has a sick sense of humor. #Stanford‬, the #2 seed, opens against ‪#‎UCDavis‬.

Blake Griffin is back after missing most of the last month with a right elbow injury. Although presumably the Clippers center will be careful now and only flop on his left side.



Al Rosen had a third of a page obituary in today’s NY Times. About half dedicated to his time with the Indians, most of the rest to his time as President of the Yankees, and two short lines total to his time as GM of the Astros and SF Giants. ‪#‎whateastcoastbias‬?

So now it comes out that Jeb Bush used personal email to discuss security and Middle East military issues while governor of Florida. And no doubt back and forth allegations will continue. At least we can all be grateful that neither JFK or Bill Clinton had the ability to email, nor worse, text, while in office….


Designers Dolce & Gabbana, said in an interview that they were against gay adoptions, but also “‘No chemical offsprings and rented uterus… And Dolce added “it must be an act of love… I call children of chemistry, synthetic children.”

Elton John has angrily called for a boycott of the brand. But leaving gay parenting out, guess D & G are so ignorant they don’t realize that the same heterosexual couples who can afford to buy their stuff are the same couples who can afford IVF and other high-priced fertility treatments. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬, designer division.

Okay, I’ve got it, we can’t have a vote on attorney general nominee Loretta Lynch because Mitch McConnell won’t allow it. Until and unless the Senate passes a human trafficking bill, where the GOP has inserted anti-abortion language that Democrats act like they finally just read….And we wonder why Americans are turned off by politics.

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Missed it by just over two Pi much

March 22, 2014

Phrase we never thought we’d hear in a March Madness game: “MSU has to match the physicality of Harvard.”


Watching MSU coach Tom Izzo being interviewed after his Spartans’ escape from Harvard tonight, have to figure that more than a few straight shots will be ordered at MSU’s hotel’s bar. #Waytoocloseforcomfort

So sad watching some of these freshman stars when their teams are knocked out of March Madness. Why, they gave their schools some of the best months of their lives.

55 to 53. Did Dayton just beat Syracuse in a bowl game they threw in when no one was looking?

NY Jets QB Geno Smith says that the signing of Michael Vick is “awesome.” Makes sense, no matter how rocky Smith’s next season is, he still probably won’t be the most booed QB in town.

Says something about insurance and lawyers in this country when the Allstate “world’s worst cleaning lady” commercial has the actor pretending to fall down the stairs backwards and they need to caption it “Demonstration only, do not attempt.”

CBS March Madness announcer Andrew Catalon apologized to Gonzaga’s Przemek Karnowski, who is Polish born, after Catalon described OSU’s strategy of fouling Karnowski as “Hack-a-Polack.” Proving alas that even in the modern age, you don’t need Twitter to make a public a** of yourself.

(My friend Nate Coombs suggested what he SHOULD have called the strategy  – “Whack a Pole.”)


Go figure. The SEC didn’t win the NCAA football championship, but could win the NCAA men’s basketball championship. Hope it’s not a sign of the apocalypse?

Meanwhile, in the NBA, the Miami Heat have lost 7 of 11 games.   And they’re still 9 games up on the third place team in their conference. Although, to be fair, this year if the NBA East was in college football, their winner might not even be BCS Bowl eligible.

Kristen Bell was lambasted on Fox News for tweeting “Sorry RNC -rich people SHOULD pay higher taxes because they can afford it. End. Of. Story. xo a rich person.” What happened to defending freedom of speech? Would it help if Kristen wore camouflage?

CNN has now brought a psychic on air for her opinion on what happened to MH370. Real shame Paul the Octopus is no longer with us. #whatsnext

Kansas State was assessed a technical foul yesterday, when a player dunked in warm-ups 19 minutes and 58 seconds before the game started. (No dunking is allowed within 20 minutes of tip-off.) Kentucky then got two pre-game free throws. Baseball fans’ reaction: “And they make fun of the balk rule?”


The latest potential credit card date breach involves the DMV. “Wow. I’m shocked they would be so sloppy and careless.” said no one who’s ever renewed a driver’s license.

A satire site, the Daily Currant, posted that Sarah Palin said maybe Malaysian Air 370 “flew too high and ended up in heaven.” Be honest, how many people saw that and thought “Well she COULD have said it.”

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Last bracket standing?

March 22, 2014

The  way today this tournament is going people winning their bracket pools probably did the equivalent of the lottery Quick Picks.

And after the first two rounds of March Madness, a whole lot of folks changed  their retirement plan from the bracket challenge to buying lottery tickets.

Forget Buffett’s billion dollar challenge. It should be worth at least a million to whoever had Tennessee meeting Mercer on Sunday.

Watching the crazy end of the VCU – SFA game, okay, I am not a coach, but think the ONLY thing you would tell players with a four point lead is don’t foul on a three point shot at the buzzer.

It should be a March Madness rule that if you picked an upset like Mercer over Duke you should at least know in which state your team is located.

Sports fans who normally stick to the NBA have to be wondering? When did they suddenly start letting all these white guys play basketball?

Kobe Bryant told an interview he thought President Obama could play for the Lakers. “That’s not a diss at the current roster that we have, but more of a sign of respect of the skill that the president possesses.” And Kobe said the first part of that sentence with a straight face.

In Turkey, users are apparently circumventing a Twitter ban after Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan threatened to “rip out the roots” of the website. Uh, for starters it might have helped if the PM knew websites don’t have roots.

American Airlines is debuting new business class seats where the seatbelts will contain airbags. That’s in business. In coach the airline suggests passengers blow into and inflate their air sickness bags.


At time of writing, late late night Friday or early Saturday morning in California, the Dodgers-Diamondbacks game has been delayed due to rain in Sydney. Maybe even God is not a big fan of moving MLB Opening Day a week early around the world to a cricket field.

The NY Jets released Mark Sanchez today, and signed Michael Vick. The comedy gods taketh away but they also giveth.

Our  new travel agency United Airlines sales representative just called because she was unable to find our office. Turns out she is in Los Gatos, not Los Altos. Who does she think she is, a Southwest pilot?

A federal judge today overturned that Michigan’s ban on same-sex marriage, saying the law violates the U.S. Constitution. Waiting for all the cheers from conservatives who say government should stay out of our lives.

In Georgia. a man who is on trial for raping a woman he met in a CVS parking lot, is using the defense the sex had to be consensual ‘because of his charming personality and handsome features.” Well, if they convict this jerk those looks should serve him SO well in prison…..

For a number of Jets fans, isn’t NY releasing Mark Sanchez and signing Michael Vick like your mom telling saying you don’t have to eat the broccoli but she’ll replace it with brussels sprouts?

Bus to hell moment brought to you by T.C. “A JetBlue flight went missing with sudden lost communication from the flight deck similar to the Malaysian Airlines plane. Investigators found it immediately though, it was still sitting on the tarmac 3 hrs after scheduled departure.”

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Counting sheep, brackets, etc.

March 20, 2014

New research indicates at sleep loss may cause permanent brain damage. Great, another thing to lie awake at night worrying about.

Forget the bracket challenge. Maybe Warren Buffet should offer $1 billion to anyone who can find Malaysian Air flight 370.

#CalPoly won their play in game, so they get to face Wichita State. Sort of like winning the Christians competition to face the Lions.#NCAA

But for now Cal Poly, at 14-19, is still alive in the NCAA Tournament. Well, the Mustangs belong there at least as much as the 2014 Lakers belong in the NBA.

Congrats to Cal Poly beating Texas Southern. But the announcers are saying “This is only the second time a 19 loss team has won a game in the NCAA tournament.” Uh, not exactly. They won a play-in game.  It’s like winning a tie-breaker to get to be the wild card.

Now that President Obama has made his Final Four picks many Republicans don’t know what to do first. Say the picks are wrong or say that as President he shouldn’t be spending time on basketball instead of running the country.

But open note to any one complaining about President Obama spending a little free time following basketball brackets: it’s probably better than following interns.

The Iowa men are heading home, losers of 7 of their last 8 games. On a brighter note, the Hawkeyes have just been named the official basketball team of origami

NFL owners may vote on expanding the playoffs next week. Guess they’ve looked at the NHL and NBA and figured it’s not a fair system if the postseason excludes those really deserving teams under .500.

New guidelines say almost half of Americans over 40 and most men over 60 qualify should consider cholesterol-lowering statins. Wonder if they’ll start giving away discount coupons for the drugs at Burger King and McDonald’s.

The NY State Senate is proposing to allow slot machines at JFK and LaGuardia airports. As if betting on your flight actually taking off reasonably on time at those airports isn’t enough gambling.

Soft drink and basketball fans will now be able to try a limited edition “Sprite 6 Mix by LeBron James, which willl be a mix of lemon-lime with cherry and orange. When can we expect a one-hour infomercial on how Sprite decided on those flavors?

Scientists say that for the world as a whole, this winter was the eighth warmest on record. U.S. residents on the East Coast would have told them to STFU except that they were too busy with their snow shovels.

Kiss and Def Leppard are teaming up for a 40th anniversary tour. The good thing for those who were hard core fans of the bands in their youth – their hearing is probably shot enough they won’t notice any decline in vocals.

The NY Jets, who tired of the Tim Tebow circus, now apparently have tired of the Mark Sanchez circus and are trying to sign…. Michael Vick?! Don’t take down those tents too fast.

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March 23, 2013

Really, Wichita State?  You couldn’t have come up with a more original name if you were going to knock off a #1 seed?

All these NCAA teams moving onto the Sweet 16 with less than great regular seasons… maybe the gap between college and pro basketball is less than we thought?


Lindsay Lohan had her SIXTH mugshot taken this week. Is it too soon to start a pool on the date for the seventh?

Some are whining about Hanley Ramirez’s WBC injury. What about Curtis Granderson and Chase Headley, who both broke bones in spring training games. What’s the solution – skip all practice so out-of-shape players can all get hurt when the season starts?

Dr. James Andrews told ESPN that RG III’s recovery from knee surgery has been “unbelievable.” So sounds like the Redskins’ QB might be healthy enough to be re-injured in the season opener.

Stanford men lost to Alabama 68-54 today in the second round of the NIT. On the brighter side, most Cardinal fans would have been delirious if someone said pre-season that their basketball team would last longer in the postseason than Kentucky.

San Francisco’s Archbishop,  Salvatore Cordileone, who opposes gay marriage,  believes that that therapy can change sexual orientation.   If true, wouldn’t you think the Catholic Church would have used such therapy on some of their priests?


CEO Howard Schultz to a shareholder who complained Starbucks’s support of gay marriage hurt the company: “If you feel, respectfully, that you can get a higher return than the 38 percent you got last year, it’s a free country. You can sell your shares of Starbucks and buy shares in another company. Thank you very much.”

Powerball jackpot today over $320 million. Of course, your chances of winning if you played were statistically about the same as if you don’t play.

The U.S. may have discovered the secret to winning international soccer competitions. Declare it an outdoor winter sport!


Whatever you think of Jay Leno, he’s leading in the late night ratings. So of course it makes sense for NBC to replace him. He’s messing with their streak.


So as a distraction from shredded brackets finally watched the end of season 3 of Downton Abbey. Time to watch something cheerier, like more shredded brackets tomorrow.

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Boys will be boys. (And girls will try to be boys?).

March 20, 2012

The #3 seeded Miami Hurricanes’ women’s basketball team has suspended star senior guard Riquna Williams, for “conduct detrimental to the team.” Who said women’s basketball would never catch up to the men’s game?

Meanwhile, in an overtime thriller, the Stanford men’s basketball team knocked off Illinois State to advance to the Sweet 16 of the NIT….. Yeah, okay, winning is great. But Sweet 16 of the NIT? Isn’t that an accomplishment on par with making it through the first round of the Bachelor. Or winning a straw poll in this year’s GOP primary?

Peyton to the Broncos. Alex Smith talking to Miami. That might leave for S.F…. Tim Tebow To paraphrase an old joke, he could have 60,000 fans on their feet yelling “Jesus Christ.”

Got email invite to follow John Kerry on Twitter, where the email adds “And hey, it’s a rare chance to see a United States Senator struggle to express thoughts in 140 characters or less!.” Well, it’s a safe bet we won’t be asked to follow Joe Biden.

Yet another reason why those of us with XX chromosomes adore George Clooney. He had one phone call from jail, and when asked who he called, George replied “My mother. Some things never change.”

The Mets, facing a lawsuit demanding up to $1 billion, settled with the Madoff Madoff for $162M. $162 million? Why for the Yankees that’s a couple long-relievers and a utility infielder.

Today in Illinois Rick Santorum said the issue in the presidential race is not the economy but an “oppressive government that’s taking away people’s freedom.” (Presumably he forgot to add, unless you are gay or a woman.)

Spurned by Matt Flynn, Peyton Manning and maybe even Alex Smith, Miami has signed …. David Garrard. So this fall Dolphins fans can look forward to watchng Garrard make his debut at Chopped Liver Stadium.

The Walt Disney Co. now says they will lose $200 million on “John Carter.” Wow. Does that mean there will be a movie-themed ride at Epcot?

So does Peyton Manning’s decision mean the Broncos are the favorites to win the AFC, by a neck?

New Orleans police have filed felony charges against Russell Brand for smashing a photographer’s iPhone last week. Brand says he intends to fight the charges. Wonder if prosecutors might accept a plea bargain if Brand promises to do the same thing in a few movie theaters and restaurants.

A new bill in Tennessee would require the state to publish the names of each doctor who performs an abortion and the age, race, county, marital status, education level, # of children, and location of the woman having the procedure. Where’s the bill requiring similar information about men being treated for STDs?

Headline about Demi Moore’s soon-to-be-ex signing up for Richard Branson’s Virgin Galactic flights -“”Ashton Kutcher heading into space.”

Uh, isn’t he already there?

From catfish to grits to pancakes……Mitt Romney today stopped in a popular Illinois diner today, saying “I need only one thing from you this morning — no two,” Romney said. “#1, I need some pancakes, and #2, I need you to go vote” Anyone but me hoping someone in Louisiana might offer him a Hurricane without saying what’s in it?

Quote from Joe Biden. And okay, this had to be his speechwriters because it’s so succinct. But a great Obama reelection bumper sticker nonetheless: “Osama Bin Laden is dead and General Motors is alive. Think about it.”

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Monday mourning brackets.

March 19, 2012

Anyone remember that Xavier-Cincinnati brawl back in December? Both teams now in the men’s Sweet Sixteen. Maybe the Pac 12 needs to schedule a few brawls.

Actually there are four teams from Ohio left in the final Sweet Sixteen. Fans used to the Bengals, Brown, Cavaliers, Indians and Reds are thinking… mean we could actually win something?

For the fourth time in their last five tournament appearances, Notre Dame (a 7 seed this year) lost to a double digit seed. Normally when Catholics are this embarrassed, priests are involved.

On the other hand, there are 3 Pac 12 teams left in the NIT. Bringing up an interesting question -if you get an NIT championship banner do you hang it or use it to wipe down stuff in the locker room?

The SF Giants’ Freddie Sanchez may start the season on the DL. Disappointing fans who hoped that on Opening Day he would be recovered and ready to be injured again.

A recent Gallup poll shows only 35% percent of Republicans say they would enthusiastically support Romney in November. Not sure who’s more astonished, Mitt because he doesn’t understand why people don’t like him, or everyone else who can’t understand why 35% actually say they would vote enthusiastically for him.

The President picked North Carolina to win it all in the NCAA men’s tournament. Now star Tar Heel point guard Kendall Marshall has a fractured wrist and may or may not be done for the tournament. Yep, once again, it’s clearly Obama’s fault.

The wanna-be anti-education President in action again: Rick Santorum on ABC’s “This Week” referred to Puerto Rico as a “Spanish-speaking country.”

Santorum then ended up with seven percent of the Puerto Rican vote. Wonder if he put it down to those “damned foreigners.”

Give Mitt Romney credit. We’re into the second round of the NCAA’s and so far he’s avoided making any more embarrassing gaffes about being good friends with some of the team owners.

(my friend Bill D. says “Not so fast, maybe he owns a few schools.)

What seemed less likely a year ago, the Dolphins inviting Alex Smith to Miami to talk? Or 49ers fans actually caring?

Mitt Romney is attacking Obama on gas prices, and claims that the President only now advocates natural gas and increased U.S. oil drilling because of an “election-year conversion.” Well, if anyone’s an expert on conversions….

Derek Jeter said he had a feeling that Andy Pettite, who just signed a minor league contract with the Yankees, wanted to end his retirement and pitch again. Maybe it was seeing Pettite wandering around in that Brett Favre jersey.

Mario Mannngham, who signed with the San Francisco 49ers, tested positive for marijuana twice during his college days at Michigan. Wonder when Mario moves to Calfornia how long it will take him to get a prescription.

Commie pinko thought about birth control: “We need to get off of that issue. In my view, I think we ought to respect the right of women to make choices in their lives and make that clear and to get back onto what the American people really care about — jobs and the economy.” Quote from that noted liberal Senator John McCain.

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Dropping the balls

March 14, 2012

Syracuse star freshman Fab Melo has been ruled ineligible for the NCAA men’s basketball tournament. Gentlemen, start erasing your brackets.

Iona blew a 25 point lead tonight in losing to BYU. Did they get their playbook from Mitt Romney?

Barack Obama took U.K. Prime Minister to a play-in NCAA men’s basketball game tonight. Which Cameron said he enjoyed, although he originally thought “March Madness” referred to the Republican primaries.

The Pac 12 has announced their next three conference tournaments will be in Las Vegas. Perfect. This way all those who bet on the NIT will have a chance to see their potential favorites up close and personal.

Mitt Romney, in Southerner mode, talked about “Davy Crockett, who killed himself a bear, when he was only three.” Uh, Mitt, if you’re going to quote the song in the South it’s “kilt him a bar, when he was only three.”

UCLA announced Tuesday that Ben Howland will remain on the job as men’s basketball coach. Translation, we’re already on the hook for paying him and who else would take over this mess?

Anyone else think that “the Bachelor” Ben’s proposal to Courtney will turn out to be as lasting relevant long term as a vote for Rick Perry in the GOP primaries?

A Delta jet was undergoing maintenance tests in Atlanta today when it rolled off a runway and down an embankment. Sounds like the tests went about as well as SATs go for SEC football players.

(actually the interesting question, apparently it was brake failure – but did the brakes fail, or did they fail to set the brakes.)

Hyatt Hotels says that they will start installing new TV’s with internet capability in guest rooms, so guests can log into Facebook or email, or stream Netflix movies on their in-room screens. Great, this will mean one more thing in a hotel room besides the alarm clock I can’t figure out.

A new bill in the California State Assembly proposes to ban violent fans from professional sporting events, although not from college and minor league games. Leaving aside the “how do they enforce it? question, have to wonder, why leave out a really scary group – some parents of Little Leaguers.

Something airline passengers may not have heard before, the pilot asking “Is anyone allergic to penguins?” Two penguins flew on Delta today, in first class, from Atlanta to New York to attend the premiere of Discovery Channel’s “Frozen Planet.” No doubt they were better behaved than many children, and some adults.

Rick Santorum is now accusing Fox News of “shilling” for Mitt Romney, and saying they don’t want him on their shows. Well, let’s see, MSNBC probably isn’t an option…but Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert would love to have him.

President Obama’s women’s bracket has Baylor, St. John’s, Connecticut and Notre Dame in the Final Four. He must not be fundraising anytime soon in Northern California.

The Dow closed up over 200 points, to 13,177.68 today. This is bad continued unemployment news – for Mitt Romney.

From T.C. Paraphrasing Canadian Golfer Dan Halldorson about the NIT Tournament. Winning this would be similar to getting a trophy for “Tallest Midget”.

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Gentleman and ladies, start your brackets.

March 13, 2012

If you’re looking for someone’s predictions to copy for March Madness, may I suggest anyone but Harold Camping.

President Obama said he is working on his men’s and women’s brackets. And Mitt Romney immediately condemned him by saying tax brackets for both are high enough already.

So now that Linsanity isn’t helping anymore for the Knicks, what’s plan B? Is Bill Bradley available?

Lennox Little League, in Los Angeles County, didn’t have enough money for this year until local businesses stepped in. Including a $1200 donation from the Jet Strip “gentlemen’s club” (aka a strip club.) So guess this means it will be “batter up,” after getting many fathers up.

Mitt Romney, on the horrific shooting of Afghan citizens by a U.S. soldier, and what America should do now, said that he “wouldn’t jump to a new policy” because of a “deranged, crazy person.” Uh, some would say that in aping Santorum and Gingrich, that Mitt already has done that repeatedly.

The success of the 49ers and Alex Smith last year was a joy for fans, but tough for local comedy writers. God taketh away and God giveth – Here comes Randy Moss.

Stanford women’s basketball team is #1 seed in the NCAA tournament and heading for Norfolk. For those who don’t know how to pronounce the Virginia city, here’s the simple cheer they use in the South. (I used to live in Florida). “We don’t drink, we don’t smoke, Norfolk! Norfolk.”

The owner of the Pittsburgh Power, an Arena Football League team, fired all 24 players during a pregame meal at an Orlando-area Olive Garden. For the men involved, it was the worst thing to happen to them at an Olive Garden, well, that didn’t involve actually eating the food.

Former V.P. Dick Cheney cancelled a April speaking engagement in Toronto, because based on demonstrations during his Vancouver visit last fall he and his daughter decided “it was better for their personal safety they stay out of Canada.” Well, guess that means we won’t see Cheney in San Francisco any time either.

A TCU football player charged with selling marijuana allegedly told a police officer that 82 people failed a team wide drug test in early February. Wow. Looks like the Horned Frog football program may really have hit the big time.

The NCAA banned North Carolina football from the 2012 post-season, saying “This case should serve as a cautionary tale to all institutions to vigilantly monitor the activities of those student-athletes who possess the potential to be top professional prospects.” Well, all institutions who aren’t part of the SEC anyway.

So when Peyton Manning makes his decision will ESPN air an “After the Final Rose” show?

Surveys of likely GOP voters in Alabama and Mississippi found that only 12-14% believe President Obama is a Christian. Well, I suppose this does bolster Rick Santorum with his disbelief in the idea of evolution.

Got to love this. United Airlines has had a special phone number for their most elite fliers when they are having problems with the website. If you have post-merger problems and call it now, the message says “We are experiencing extended hold times, we suggest you use our website.”

Rep. Cliff Stearns of Florida responded to a question from an elderly consitutent about Obama’s birth certificate by saying “The question is, is it legitimate? I think what Obama’s showing is a facsimile, but I think that debate probably is not enough just to impeach him.” Guess with the other Southern primaries this week Florida couldn’t let the loonie spotlight get away.

Glee” star Heather Morris is the latest celebrity to have alleged naked pictures (allegedly from her phone) “stolen” and posted online. When will people learn, if you take your clothes off turn your phone off….

Men can ignore these last comments: Ben to Courtney on the Bachelor, “you are my forever.” Or at least my for “until I see the videos of the show in March.”

Watching Courtney on the Bachelor makes me realize that if this thing doesn’t work out with Rielle, John Edwards might have found his trophy wife soulmate.

Anyone else think Ben’s proposal might have as much lasting relevance as a vote for Rick Perry in the 2012 GOP Primary?

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Madness time.

March 11, 2012

First day of moving clocks ahead really should be referred to “Stumble forward.” “Spring”ing takes a few days.

And the worst thing for many Americans about this year’s switch to Daylight Savings Time – they won’t be at their best when trying to fill out brackets.

At the All-Star Break the New York Knicks were looking like a team that could go deep into the playoffs. Now they’re looking like a team that would be on the wrong side of the NCAA tournament bubble.

Brackets were announced Sunday for the March Madness NCAA Tournament. Which means at about a dozen schools you can still hear the screams already “We wuz robbed of a chance to be destroyed by North Carolina in the opening round.”

So if a team loses in the play-in game, do they call it “one-half and done”?

Western Kentucky University (15-18) is in the NCAA’s despite a losing record since they won their Sun Belt Conference tournament. Many college fans find this shocking that a team with such a lousy record is in the Big Dance. (In a bowl game, maybe.)

New York Knicks losing their fifth straight, even with Jeremy Lin, Peyton Manning may be about to replace Tim Tebow in Denver. Maybe God just got tired of following sports?

Later Sunday, brackets were revealed for the NIT. This year to be subtitled “The Pac 12 Invitational.”

In the Cadillac Championship Sunday, Sergio Garcia shot a 12 on the par-4 third hole. Yes, a 12. It was the ugliest several minutes involving a golf club since Elin and Tiger’s 2009 Thanksgiving.

From Gary M. “Mark Sanchez’s contract extension with the New York Jets: “Not bad for a QB whose college coach said Mark needed another year of college ball before he’d be ready for the NFL. Now he’s surprassed his USC salary.”

Randy Moss working out for the 49ers? If he signs who wants to join a pool for the number of days before Moss causes a Harbaugh meltdown?

Speaker of the House John Boehner says of Congress, “We got some of the smartest people in the country who serve here, and some of the dumbest.” Well, these days you’d probably get bipartisan agreement on the latter.

Another response to the reproductive rights controversy: An Ohio state senator has a bill requiring men wanting prescriptions for Viagra or any other ED drugs to first see a sex therapist, receive a cardiac stress test and get a notarized affidavit signed by a sexual partner affirming impotency. I’m wondering why she doesn’t add “and promise that the sex would be for procreation.”

For those who can’t find enough political wackiness in the GOP primaries, I give you this: A bill passed by the Florida legislature this week contained an amendment stating that it will once again be legal (after 45 years of a ban) to dye animals the color of your choice.

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Upset stomachs.

March 18, 2011
March 17 was a day for upset stomachs  – for drinkers and nondrinkers alike, the day after St. Patrick’s Day.    Especially for those who had Louisville into the Final Four.
There was actually a semi-upset in the play-in round, as the relatively unheralded VCU Rams knocked off the  USC Trojans, 59-46.   USC players were particularly upset after the game and wishing they’d gone to the NIT.  Now all that’s left for them this year is the prospect of going to class.
#13 Morehead State 62, #4 Louisville 61. This might be the most embarrassing thing ever to happen to coach Rick Pitino, at least while he kept his pants on.
Ken Griffey, Jr now says that he abruptly retired last year because he felt he had “become a distraction.”  Upon hearing the news Brett Favre giggled.
San Diego Chargers linebacker Kevin Burnett called NFL commissioner Roger Goddell a “blatant liar” in an radio interview. Goddell was shocked – a University Tennessee football graduate knows the word “blatant?”
A co-pilot for United Express has been charged with flying while drunk on a flight last December from Austin to Denver. Wonder if this means the next airline ticket surcharge will be for a breathalyzer in the cockpit?

Actor Michael Gough, 94, died today. His most memorable role, on television and in the movies was as Alfred Pennyworth, Bruce Wayne/Batman’s butler. Wonder if God called him home on the Batphone?

SF Giants’ ace Tim Lincecum was quoted in the SF Chronicle as saying his favorite “In and Out Burger’ order is  “Three Double-Doubles. Two fries. A chocolate-strawberry shake. Ketchup please, but hold the lettuce and tomatoes.”

Wow, wonder what would give a skinny little guy like him such a major case of the munchies?

A sign that we’re getting closer to the beginning of the regular season and real baseball.  Wednesday night The Mariners’ Milton Bradley was ejected for the first time in 2011 

Now that several of OSUs star players, including QB Terrelle Pryor, have been suspended 5 games for selling memorabilia, coach Jim Tressel has requested his own suspension also be increased to 5 games. Partly this may be in hopes of leniency from the NCAA. Or partly it may be, with his stars gone, Tressel doesn’t want the potential losses on his watch.

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St Patrick’s Day madness.

March 17, 2011
Okay, I’m not a Catholic. But who put the corned beef and cabbage holiday smack in the middle of Lent?’
New St. Paddy’s toast: “May your troubles last as long as your intact brackets.”
A note in advance, before you crow over your first upset, you get more crediblity if you  know where your “team” s college actually is. At least have it narrowed down to the right state.  And having some clue of the team’s  mascot doesn’t hurt either.
Hooters is encouraging fans to visit “ to download both a doctor’s note and a free appetizer coupon for this Thursday and Friday during the NCAA first round basketball games. Of course, if you spend several hours drinking beer and eating Hooters chicken wings you won’t need to fake the doctor’s note the next day.
The Republican National Committe chair criticized President Obama for taking time to fill out a NCAA bracket in the midst of the “budget and other pressing issues?” Give me a break, Barack picked the top seed to win each bracket. How much time could it have taken?
Neil Diamond was inducted last night into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. If Elvis wasn’t dead this just killed him.
The NFL says they will give out more suspensions for illegal hits in 2011. Actually the way it looks like things are going, there will be NO illegal hits in 2011. Or any other hits for that matter
Michele Bachman is still complaining about the  media’s treatment of  her because she stated, twice, that the “shot heard round the world” that started the Revolutionary war was fired in Lexington, New Hamphire.
Meanwhile, other Republicans are trying to make sure Bachman doesn’t have any speaking engagements scheduled in Alamo, California.
Federal prosecutors released voicemail messages from Barry Bonds to his mistress. The claim is because Bonds sounds like a angry jerk in many of them, that this was the result of steroids fueled rage. The defense will presumably counter with the argument – Barry has ALWAYS been a jerk.
The Sacramento Kings have already filed trademark registrations for four names in preparation for a possible move to Southern California:  Anaheim Royals, Anaheim Royals of Southern California, Orange County Royals and Los Angeles Royals. 
Well, considering how much the team stinks on a regular basis, a more fitting  name might be the Kansas City Royals, but that’s already taken.
And regarding this Sacramento Kings/Royals stuff.  Aren’t American Indian tribes suing to stop what they feel that it’s insulting to their name to have it on a team’s  mascots?   So I presume some relative of the British royal family might know enough basketball to issue a “cease and desist” order to the team wherever they end up.
On the other hand, if the Lakers wanted to call themselves the Royals, this could probably be arranged.
Atlanta Braves minor league manager and former player Luis Salazar will lose an eye after being hit in the face with a foul line drive during a spring training game. Sad, but amazing this doesn’t happen more often. Especially at places like A T & T park in San Francisco, where half the fans in field club pay more attention to their cell phones than the game.

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Pool parties

March 14, 2011

So now it’s down to 68. That’s teams playing for the men’s college basketball championship, not Republicans running for the Presidency in 2012.  (Though the number has to be getting pretty close to that.)

This year, with 68 teams in the NCAA tournament, the games start Tuesday instead of Thursday. Which means two less days to fill out brackets. So much for two of the only productive U.S. worker days in March. 

So let’s see, USC was selected for a play-in game against VCU.  This after their coach was suspended for the end of the Pac 10 tournament after getting into such a heated argument with an opposing team booster that police were called.

Now, the Trojans are in a bracket where they will play first in Dayton, then in Chicago, which means no doubt a preponderance of East Coast and Midwest fans.  Let’s see, a coach known to be volatile, a program that many Americans love to hate, and playing about 2000 miles from home.  The best action here could be off the court.

No Northern California teams are in the mens’ NCAA tournament. Which is a shame. The Sacramento Kings could have been at least a six seed.

(and no folks, Oakland is not in California.  Not the Oakland  that’s in the tournament. The University is in Rochester, Michigan.)

Actually NCAA pools should give a bonus to those who can correctly identify, without Google. where  Oakland, Wofford, Morehead State, Hampton and St. Peters are located. For starters.

Many are still buzzing about Michele Bachman’s gaffe of claiming the “shot heard round the world” was fired in Lexington, New Hampshire.    Wonder what would happen if she ended up in a room of old time Giants and Dodgers fans.


One of those days no doubt for at least two travelers.. An announcement at Dulles airport: “Will arriving passengers on flight XYZ please check to see if they have removed their own carry-on bag from the overhead bin and if not, please return immediately to gate C20.”

From my twisted friend  Jim Barach. 

Researchers conducting a shark census off the California Coast have found just 219 Great White sharks. There may actually have been more, but census workers just seemed to keep disappearing…

Answers to the University “quiz” –   Hampton is in Virginia.  Morehead State is in Kentucky. Wofford is in South Carolina.   And St. Peters is in New Jersey (yes, I had to look that last one up.)

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