Posted tagged ‘primary jokes’

No rush

June 8, 2016

Today Californians went to the polls. And readers who don’t like my political stuff might want to skip down several items,  or until the next post.

And for those of us who live in the state, all those annoying primary election ads will finally be over with. The general election ads start tomorrow.


You can call ‪#‎HillaryClinton‬ a lot of things. But especially given the alternative, people need to get used to the idea of calling her ‪#‎MadamPresident‬.

Absolutely amazing, my California Assembly district 24 is in the middle of Silicon Valley, has been home to Hewlett, Packard, Jobs, Ellison, Zuckerberg etc. And it’s MIDNIGHT election night and we still don’t have more than 71% of the vote counted. Ah technology….


No network yet calling ‪#‎CaliforniaPrimary‬ for ‪#‎Hillary‬ or ‪#‎Bernie‬, at 1230a June 8. Maybe they’ll go out on a limb before ‪#‎Dem‬ convention.

Would support ‪#‎Obama‬ for 3rd term if there weren’t an amendment, but time for ‪#‎Sanders‬ to do as ‪#‎Hillary‬ did in 2008 ‪#‎begracious‬ ‪#‎getonboard‬

Really? Now today’s anti-Hillary social media rant is that she was wearing an expensive Armani jacket during a speech on inequality. And if she just wore mass-market clothes she’d be accused of being dowdy and not supporting retailers.


Donald Trump said tonight he will deliver a “major speech” on the Clintons next week. Like Trump’s “major announcement” in 2012 on Obama’s birth certificate?

Trump says now his comments about judges were “misconstrued.” Is that the Donald’s way of saying “Oops, even I might have gone too far this time?”

Lindsey Graham is urging Republicans to rescind their endorsements of Donald Trump after the Donald’s racist comments about judges. Nice start, Senator Graham. Now how about going the next step – as in “We can survive four years of Hillary Clinton, we may not survive four years of Donald Trump.” ‪#‎justsaynotoTrump‬

Albert Suarez has had two starts in the major leagues. Both for the SF Giants. Both times he left with a lead. The first save was blown by Santiago Casilla, tonight’s game was lost in the 10th by Casilla.  Maybe the next time Bochy has to get Suarez out of a game, he can promise to keep Casilla out too?

Madison Bumgarner said in an interview that he isn’t much for souvenir baseballs, but he wishes he had the one he threw to Perez for the last pitch in the 2014 World Series. The ball was popped up for a foul out and was last seen in the possession of Pablo Sandoval. Let’s hope Panda didn’t eat it.

Someone hacked ‪#‎NFL‬ twitter feed to announce falsely that ‪#‎RogerGoodell‬ had died. Out of habit, Goodell will be punishing the ‪#‎Saints‬.

In Missouri, a 15 year old boy apparently accidentally shot himself taking a selfie. Sad, because he was just a kid. But definitely a Darwin award junior division. ‪#‎Ifonlyhewasarmed‬. Oh, wait, never mind.

United Airlines has a new program called “Celebrate by United” where you can order something Duty-Free and have it delivered to a friend or colleague on-board an international flight. Flight attendants must be so thrilled. ‪#‎whatcouldpossiblygowrong‬?

Amazing sidebar to the ‪#‎BrockTurnerRapist‬ story. He has a sister. Just wondering if father ‪#‎DanTurner‬ would be so sympathetic to a young man if she had been raped in college. ‪#‎20minutesofaction‬

Plenty of good guys at Stanford too:


To bury and to praise him

June 5, 2016

Nice statement from President Obama today: ‘Muhammad Ali was The Greatest. Period. If you just asked him, he’d tell you.
But what made The Champ the greatest – what truly separated him from everyone else – is that everyone else would tell you pretty much the same thing.”

So maybe if Trump isn’t a a complete fraud it’s time to test the man for severe memory impairment. The Donald quickly praised Ali last night, but in December after the President criticized his proposed ban Trump tweeted out “Obama said in his speech that Muslims are our sports heroes. What sport is he talking about, and who?”.


Here’s a thought about Trump’s praise of Ali after saying there were no Muslim sports stars. Maybe he doesn’t know Muhammad Ali was a Muslim. ‪#‎heswrongaboutmosteverythingelse‬


Really boggles the mind to imagine what it would have been like if ‪#‎MuhammadAli‬ at his peak in a social media age? ‪#‎mostfollowersofalltime‬


Ads on the ‪#‎MLB‬ “Game of the Week” telling us to go to Hooters for the food. Like old days of reading Playboy for the articles. ‪#‎SFvsSTL‬

You start seeing one of the problems for the Cavaliers. A SF Chronicle headline “Kerr has the magic touch; James searching.” The Warriors have a good team AND a real coach


Jeff Samardzija didn’t end up having a good day for the SF Giants,  giving up 4 home runs in what seemed like about two minutes. But he did get a single and an RBI. Fox announcers seemed shocked. Clearly they aren’t paying attention. ‪#‎Pitcherswhorake‬

James Shields was traded to the White Sox.  He was a disappointment with the Padres.But being fair, it’s hard to live up to the nickname “Big Game Shields” when your team has no big games.


Canada is changing a line in their national anthem from “in all thy sons command” to “in all of us command.” Why? As Justin Trudeau recently said, “It’s 2016.” ‪#‎IblameObama‬ ‪#‎IblameTrudeau‬

Southwest. already the largest airline in terms of passengers beginning or ending their trip in the SF Bay Area, is adding nine more Oakland flights tomorrow. You know you’re getting old when you can remember when Southwest was the no-frills cattle call airline.

Got to love marketing. On “Shout” stain remover it trumpets “Removes stains the 1st time or it’s free.” So since it’s not working on a stain (ink) I read the bottle carefully, find tiny print directing me to a website. A few more clicks, and ALL they need to send me $3.99 besides a lot of info is the cash register receipt from up to a year ago. Right, because we all save every receipt for potential under $4 windfalls….

In Saturday’s U.S. Virgin Islands, Hillary Clinton had a big win and picked up all seven pledged delegates. Wow. Okay, before this year, who even knew the U.S.V.I had a primary?

So we’ve got hockey, basketball and baseball going on now.  But as TC points out  after the Padres and Mariners split a pair in San Diego, 16-6 and 16-13: “When did the NFL preseason start?”

Zero is a number, right?

April 6, 2016


So in 2016 what’s more likely in California? The ‪#‎Warriors‬ get to 73 wins? Or the ‪#‎Padres‬ get to 73 runs?

#‎SDPadres‬ are working on a three game scoreless streak to open 2016 season. Are they trying to become official ‪#‎MLB‬ team of ‪#‎MLS‬ Major League Soccer.

Well, darn, the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ aren’t going to go 162-0. Probably better off not to tire them for the playoffs anyway.

Blue Jays manager John Gibbons complained after MLB’s new slide rule cost Toronto a run in a 5-3 loss to the Rays, “They’re trying to put dresses on us.” Uh, Gibbons, whine all you want. Then go watch “League of their Own” and find a new metaphor. ‪#‎Theresnocryinginbaseball‬

Rockies rookie SS Trevor Story is the first MLB player since 1900 to homer in his first three games. Even more amazing, Story hasn’t played at Coors Field yet.


Open note to @SenSanders & @HillaryClinton: Knock off the negativity. When ‪#‎GOP‬ is in a circus hole, stand back & watch them dig tent poles.

Meanwhile, how powerful is ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬? He’s managed to make ‪#‎TedCruz‬ seem like the more palatable GOP alternative.

At a Texas elementary school, the principal has banned parents from setting foot on campus, meaning they can neither walk their kids to school nor pick them up, unless those parents wait in a long line in their cars. ‪#‎ifonlytheywerearmed‬ No, wait…. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

George Mason, whose law school wanted to honor the late Supreme Court Judge, has now switched its name to Antonin Scalia Law School. This after the internet pointed out the original change -the Antonin Scalia School of Law – was ASSLaw or ASSoL. Think they had it right the first time.

No injuries were reported when Apple employee shuttle bus caught fire today on a freeway in Northern Calfornia at about 630a this morning. It’s actually a shocking story – there are computer geeks UP at 630a in the morning?

Your daily dose of “blech”: Ann Coulter is now saying that Donald Trump will protect Americans from “Latin American rape culture.” Not sure which is harder to believe, that women would have affairs with Ted Cruz or that men of any culture would want Ann Coulter.

Walt Disney World is now offering guests who pay an extra $69 per person ($59 for kids) the chance to enter the Magic Kingdom earlier and avoid some of the longest lines. Great, leaving aside the class divide aspect, now in the summer, we can look forward to even grouchier parents yelling at their hot and even tireder kids about how much money they spent and THEY.SHOULD.BE.HAVING.FUN.DAMMIT

United Airlines is celebrating their 90th birthday. Curiously enough, that seems to be the same age as some of their planes.


Pfizer Inc, which had planned to avoid U.S. tax rates by merging with Allergan Plc, of Ireland, has scrapped the deal after the Treasury instituted new anti-inversion rules. I blame Obama.


John Kasich can clinch the GOP nomination if he wins 125% of the remaining primary delegates. Well, math was always a liberal commie pinko concept anyway.

In San Francisco, ParkingCupid, parking version of Airbnb is offering parking places in garages and driveways for up to $400 a month. At that price are customers allowed to sleep in their cars?

With friends like these….

March 31, 2016

As the D’Angelo Russell videotape story grows, Lakers fans have to be thinking nostalgically back to the days when their team was just embarrassing ON the court.

The NCAA is apologizing for a “clerical error” which resulted in an “errant text” sent to South Carolina saying that they were had been selected for the men’s basketball tournament. No word on if such a text went to any other teams who didn’t really get in, like the Philadelphia 76ers.

The Red Sox have announced that Travis Shaw will start Opening Day at third base over Pablo Sandoval. The Panda’s response “It’s going to be difficult, but I have to be happy. [Shaw] has had a fantastic spring. I’ll just focus on working hard.”
Uh, if Sandoval had been focused on working hard, he’d probably be starting.

Mattel has apparently lost over $3 million that they wired in response to a fake email from China. Hmm. Wonder if it’s too late for the company to put the brakes on “Nigerian Princess Barbie?”


In Alabama, a husband and wife who both teach at the same private school were both arrested for having sex with students. Of course, being Alabama have to wonder how many people are going

Sarah Palin says her husband Todd is back home “on the couch” recovering from his snowmobile accident injuries. So is he helping her keep an eye on Russia?


So apparently Bachelor Ben and his fiancee Lauren are having issues. Ah for those more innocent days when train wrecks on reality TV would only result in broken hearts rather than potential leaders of the free world.


John Kasich today in a New York press conference listed “five things that continue to prove that Donald Trump is clearly not prepared to be President of the United States, commander in chief, leader of the free world.”
One of the easiest jobs in the world this fall, on the other hand, might be doing commercials for the Democratic Presidential nominee ‪#‎workisbeingdoneforyou‬

Some days you wonder whether Donald Trump really wants to say “Just kidding, folks, I don’t want to be President.” On the subject of Muslims , he mentioned he had Muslim friends “”In most cases, they’re very rich Muslims, OK?” Then when Chris Matthews asked about them entering the U.S. “They’ll come in. And you’ll have exceptions.”
Right, because there’s no way ISIL could make a terrorist look rich?

(and my friend Tom Dodd points out that Osama Bin Laden came from a wealthy family.)

Another day, another random mass shooting in America. Think I’ve got this down: If the dead suspect is Muslim it’s terrorism, if he’s Christian, especially if he’s white, it’s mental illness.

Today’s first  installment in “How low can you go” – aka the GOP Primary: Ted Cruz on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” about Trump “I were in my car and getting ready to reverse and saw Donald in the backup camera, I’m not confident which pedal I would push.”

 And the second from the GOP campaign ‪#‎howlowcanyougo‬, “Mr. Lovable,” Ted Cruz is having his campaign question John Kasich’s 500 signatures submitted to qualify for the Montana ballot., Yes, 500, and apparently Kasich submitted 622….



Ted Cruz won a court case in Pennsylvania challenging his US citizenship. Maybe because Canada now disowns him?

Shoot out at the OK preschool?

March 10, 2016

The Florida woman who was shot by her 4-year-old son apparently is still pro-gun, and her own mother dismisses the shooting as “an accident and nothing more.” Sounds like a good phrase for a tombstone.



Taco Bell has announced they are lowering some prices. Gosh, hope this doesn’t lead to their lowering the fine quality of their ingredients.

In California, the legislature passed a bill to raise the smoking age to 21. And most college students are shrugging – “It’s only tobacco.”

Regarding all this controversy over Kim Kardashian maybe being “slut-shamed” for her latest naked selfie: Look, I’m a feminist and think women should be proud of their bodies. But jeez, Kim, haven’t we seen enough of yours? ‪#‎boring‬

A rear admiral was fired after he admitted to investigators he spent nine hours in a ten day period aboard an assault ship looking at porn on a Defense Department computer. Nine hours out of ten days… and some are wondering, “Was he fired for not being man enough?”

(or stupid enough not to have a smart phone with an unlimited data plan.)

A major brawl broke out and was caught on video on a Spirit Airlines flight today when two women started playing music from a boom box and refused to turn it down.  While the women were detained by security at LAX no one was arrested.

Spirit Airlines did, however, reportedly charge other passengers on board an entertainment fee.

Alas, a koala at the Griffith Park zoo in Los Angeles was apparently eaten by a local mountain lion. Clearly the koala should have been armed.

In Kansas, GOP senators frustrated with the judicial system have passed a bill that would make “attempting to usurp the power” of the Legislature or the executive branch grounds for impeachment. So any judge who overturned legislation could be impeached. Forget spinning, James Madison is causing a tornado in his grave.


The Milwaukee Bucks’ O.J. Mayo broke his right ankle falling down stairs at home today and is done for the year. Making him luckier than Bucks’ season ticket holders.

OSU’s Urban Meyer has endorsed John Kasich. Well, if Kasich gets on the ticket there go the GOP’s chances in Michigan.



Barack Obama’s approval ratings are back up to 50%, the highest in 3 years. Guess it’s beginning to dawn on Americans that one of these people they are watching debate is actually going to be our next president. ‪#‎lookingbetterbycomparison‬

Ben Carson is going to endorse Donald Trump. Does that mean Trump might be able to pick up both Carson’s supporters?


Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio are so united in their so-called hatred of government: so will they both sign a pledge saying if a natural disaster hits their states they won’t call in the evil feds?

Gave up on the GOP debate even for comedy research purposes to watch the Spurs game. Another reason to like San Antonio, they have so many “immigrant” players, they’d probably annoy the hell out of Trump.

Trump says he will put Ben Carson in charge of education. Uh, except that during this campaign the Dr. has if anything made people wonder how low the standards have gotten for medical school?


Is this year’s ‪#‎AmericanIdol‬ final season format designed to make sure we really don’t miss the show when it’s gone?

Trudeau-Obama press conference today in Washington. Two politicians together at lecterns who aren’t screaming at each other… Well, where’s the fun in that?

Now that Canadian Prime Minister Trudeau has visited the White House waiting for Trump to tell his supporters “Big deal, when I am in charge we’ll make Canada’s President show up.”

As a final change today  from the debate circus tents: “In a rapidly pivoting world, it becomes easy to become fearful. It becomes easy to turn in on ourselves. And we know from history that it’s much more important to turn outwards, and to draw out the best in each other. And to understand that whenever people get together, regardless of how different they may seem, there are always more things we have in common than that differentiate us.”
Justin Trudeau, today in D.C. Once again, ‪#‎canweborrowhim‬?

Big tents

March 9, 2016

This week is the World Clown Convention in Orlando. And next week is the Florida primary.  Coincidence?


Alec Baldwin, 57, has announced he and his wife are expecting a baby boy this fall, meaning they will have three children age 3 three and under. And well, if any dad can teach his kids how to throw a tantrum….


Social media is apparently at odds as to whether Bernie Sanders’ suit tonight was brown or blue. But presumably the confusion is absolutely Wall Street’s fault.

Pollsters in Michigan may be out of work after their miserable showing in the Democratic primary. On the other hand, many of them have been offered jobs running the numbers for Trump’s tax plan.

Apparently with Brock Osweiler going to the Texans, the Broncos are interested in Colin Kaepernick. Hmm, maybe Peyton Manning shouldn’t get too comfortable in retirement.

A pro-gun 31-year-old Florida mother was arguing on Facebook Monday saying “Even my 4 year old gets jacked up to target shoot with the .22”  Tuesday mom was in stable condition in the the hospital after the kid found the loaded gun in her car and shot mom while she was driving.  Is it fair to hope they don’t discharge her in time to vote in Tuesday’s primary?



In central Florida, a second grade substitute teacher was arrested for being drunk in class. The principal first became suspicious because she didn’t know the day of the week. But really, in Florida, isn’t the day of the week a fourth or fifth grade lesson?

If ‪#‎CarlyFiorina‬ really wanted to help ‪#‎TedCruz‬ she’d sign up in California to help run ‪#‎Trump‬ campaign.

Here’s a”cheer up it could be worse” item for passengers who feel squeezed on United Airlines 777 planes in coach. The airline is planning to change their domestic 777’s from 9-across seating, to 10-across seating. So yes, it could, and will be worse.


At Paris-CDG Airport a woman was arrested after she apparently had sneaked a child onto a flight from Istanbul in a carry-on bag. And a whole lot of airlines got a new idea for a new really no-frills fare. ‪#‎carryonseating‬

Interesting note, Michigan has open primaries. So wonder which number was higher – Republicans voting for Bernie to cause trouble for the Democrats, or Dems voting for Trump to try to screw the GOP?

At least Marco Rubio accomplished something with his personal insults against Trump – “My kids were embarrassed by it.” That’s impressive. Two of his children aren’t even teenagers yet.


Under the guise of protecting women, Florida just passed a massively restrictive bill to limit abortion, which requires providers to meet very strict medical standards, even when the “abortion” is morning-after pills. But if we really want Florida women to rise up in anger, maybe someone should demand similar restrictions also apply to clinics doing, for starters, liposuction and botox…..



And we thought ‪#‎PAC12‬ football got hosed with TV: :‪#‎Pac12Hoops‬ tournament has 1st 3 days with games at 1145pm EST & finals at 1015p Saturday.

From Marc Ragovin “I’m not saying the NY Knicks are on their last legs, but Phil Jackson just said they are throwing all of their stock in Florida next Tuesday.”


February 27, 2016

The NFL is apparently looking into shortening the preseason to three games. Well, that would only be about two games too long.


The University of Tennessee has offered football scholarships to 20 students from IMG Academy, a Florida boarding school. So what does this academy do to have their athletes so prepared for college – offer all fake classes?

The ACC says it will not suspend Duke star guard Grayson Allen for tripping an FSU player yesterday, the second time Allen was seen apparently deliberately tipping an opponent. No reason given but it should be obvious – he’s from Duke.


A 20 year old woman in England has been hospitalized with Toxic Shock Syndrome after forgetting to remove a tampon for nine days. Okay, sounds horrible, but that’s not Toxic Shock Syndrome, that’s Toxic Stupid Syndrome.

#‎DonaldTrump‬ and ‪#‎ChrisChristie‬ together – Talk about a bully pulpit.

If it’s a Trump-Christie ticket  on the GOP side, will our proposed new U.S. slogan be “carry a big stick and shout at the top of your lungs.

Chris Christie is certainly Machiavellian enough…. any chance he endorsed ‪#‎Trump‬ in hopes of a cabinet position offer from Hillary?

Chris Christie “There is no better fighter than Donald Trump. So did the N.J. Governor think he was endorsing Trump for the Presidency of the WBC?

One of Donald Trump’s latest tweets “Wow. Every poll said I won the debate last night. Great honer.” Wonder if the Donald’s spell checker is from Oaklahoma?

(my friend Christopher Green says, well, the B and the H are close together on the keyboard, maybe his hand slipped.)

This quote from Lindsey Graham has gone viral recently. “If you kill Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate, and the trial was in the Senate, nobody could convict you.” Hmm, maybe that’s who Trump was talking about shooting on Fifth Avenue.



‪#‎LindseyGraham‬ says the ‪#‎GOP‬ has gone “batshit” crazy. Prompting calls for an apology. From bats.


Tax experts say it’s unlikely that Donald Trump has really been audited personally 12 years in a row, but that he’s likely referring to himself and the companies he owns or owns part of. So I get it, when it comes to audits, Trump and his companies are the same thing. When it’s bankruptcies…..


Bernie Sanders may not do big fancy fundraisers, but his campaign sends more emails than a flock of Nigerian princes. At least two-three a day… and I never signed up to support him.



Well, just in case you had a bright idea to beat traffic to Chavez Ravine: this tweet from Andy McCullough at the LA TImes “The Dodgers have told Yasiel Puig he can not, theoretically, fly a helicopter to Dodger Stadium. Federal law prohibits it, the FAA says.”
Guess we need to standby for another year of Puigy being Puigy.

Movie night.

February 17, 2016

“Being There,” “The Ides of March,” “Bulworth,” “Man of the Year”.. etc. Thinking after 2016 they may never again be able to make a satirical movie about running for President, since art will never be the equal of life.


Nothing is certain but death, taxes and NEVER counting ‪#‎Duke‬ out against ‪#‎NorthCarolina‬


Apparently millennials bought over 40% of the wine sold in the US last year. Well, they certainly did over 80% of the whining.

President Obama’s in his 2017 budget proposal has removed $10 million in funding for “abstinence-only” sexual education classes in public schools. Makes sense, save the money for where it is really needed for those kids – education on being parents.

#‎NottheOnion‬ Glenn Beck today called into a radio show to say that God had allowed Justice Scalia to die now to try to wake the American people up – “See how close your liberty is to being lost ” and to get them to elect Ted Cruz.
And God is saying, “Don’t blame me, I haven’t done anything that bat-shit crazy since I created the platypus.”


The Yankees are banning print-at-home tickets; they are trying to battle with Stubhub for selling tickets cheaper than the team for some games. Well, it’s understandable, I suppose, such a small market team needs to pinch every penny.

A new FDA study found that many brands of “100% grated Parmesan cheese” contained significant amounts of cellulose (wood fiber), and that Target’s Market Pantry brand had no parmesan at all (it had other cheese plus cellulose.) Well, and the cheese still might be more authentic than many dishes at Olive Garden.

An American Airlines plane clipped the tail of a Southwest Airlines jet yesterday morning at Detroit Metropolitan Airport. Wonder if the pilots were texting at the time?


El Chapo is complaining that life behind bars is “turning me into a zombie.” So will his next prison break be titled the “Zombie Apocalypse?”

American Idol’s last season continues but we still can’t vote yet.  Sort of like the pre-primary polling for this Presidential election, but not quite as much fun of a circus.

Apparently neither Justice Scalia nor his friends paid for that trip to the luxury ranch last weekend,  and the ranch owner had business before the Supreme Court.  But it’s okay, because the people who are most livid about that are the same ones slamming Hillary Clinton for her paid speeches to Wall Street etc…  #sarcasm


A fake news story is making the rounds about a man dying in a meth lab explosion after setting his own farts on fire. But you know, it’s Florida, so it could be true.

Ted Cruz, born in Calgary as the son of a Cuban father and an American mother , said ‘I’ve never breathed a breath of air on this world not as a U.S. citizen It was the act of birth that made me a U.S. citizen.”
Right, even though Cruz lived in Canada until he was four, and didn’t renounce Canadian citizenship until 2014. Somewhere in the White House, Barack Obama is giggling.

Now Nike has dumped Manny Paquaio over his comments comparing homosexuals to animals, which included him saying, .”Have you seen any animal having male-to-male or female-to-female relations?
Well, leaving aside Paquaio forgetting a cardinal rule – gay consumers spend $$$$ – actually if he did any research at all he would know many animals DO display homosexual behavior. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

Nikki Haley is endorsing Marco Rubio in the South Carolina primary. Stand by for Trump attacks on the S.C. governor in 3.2.1….

S.C. GOP Congressman Trey Gowdy is upset about a fake Facebook post saying he endorsed Ted Cruz: “It appears that the campaign of Sen. Ted Cruz may not place the same value on waging a contest based on the truth and facts.”
And the rest of the GOP field responds “What are these ‘truth and facts’ you speak of?”

Not taken for granite.

February 9, 2016

New Hampshire results are in. So now be know even more about what voters in small white states think.

But first some non-primary jokes:


Quicken Loans Super Bowl ad had the idea that people could get a mortgage on their phones, and asked: “If it could be that easy, wouldn’t more people buy homes?” Guessing they won’t run the ad in theaters before “The Big Short?”

If we needed any more proof that Jim Harbaugh is turning Michigan back into a powerhouse, the SEC has asked the NCAA to stop the Wolverines practicing in Florida over Spring Break, saying Harbaugh is taking his players “free time away.” Right, because the SEC is SO concerned about student-athletes’ well being….

Meteorologists are now saying Royal Caribbean should not have sailed their Anthem of the Seas ship into hurricane force winds as the storm was “well-forecast.” So guessing ambulance-chasing lawyers and class-action lawsuits in three, two, one…..

Disney’s “Frozen” is coming to Broadway in 2018. And so millions more American parents of daughters who weren’t old enough for the 2013 movie will discover the soundtrack and start wishing they really could “Let it Go.”

Rick Snyder was asked to speak before Congress on the Flint water crisis and declined, saying he has a budget meeting. Imagine how the GOP would react if Jennifer Granholm was still Governor of Michigan and declined such an invitation. Of course, if Granholm was still Governor we probably wouldn’t have the Flint water crisis.

At a Trump rally, the Donald repeated a woman’s insult about Ted Cruz “She said he’s a pussy.” Prompting calls for an immediate apology, from cats.


Chris Christie didn’t do that well in New Hampshire. But thinking all GOP candidates not named Rubio owe him a thank-you gift. Maybe bridge mix?


John Kasich tonight said “the light overcame the darkness of negative campaigning.” Translation, “if I start really gaining traction I’ll have my Super PAC do the negative campaigning for me.”


John Kasich said of his campaign moving on from New Hampshire to South Carolina from “We’re going to be changing some snowshoes for some flip-flops and we’re going to go from fried clams to jambalaya.”
Jeez, Governor, it’s jambalaya is Louisiana, in South Carolina it’s “perloo.” Get your pandering straight.



Chris Christie said he’s going to “take a deep breath” and go home. Apparently he’s out of money. But the thought of the Governor quitting and going back to his state might bring a flood of donations. From New Jerseyans.

So if today marks the end of the campaign, suppose it’s somehow apt that the happened on

Last Democrat to win ‪#‎NewHampshire‬ primary and the Presidency in the same year? ‪#‎JimmyCarter‬


A subdued Marco Rubio “We did not do well on Saturday and so listen to this: That will never happen again.” Does that mean Rubio is dropping out of future debates?

Donald Trump’s son Eric says that waterboarding is “quite frankly is no different than what happens on college campuses and frat houses every day.”
So just how many of the GOP candidates were frat boys anyway?

The Daily Show’s Jessica Williams, responding to Rudy Giuliani’s whine that the Super Bowl halftime show should have “wholesome” entertainment “You’re right…The fans deserve wholesome entertainment: Like watching 300-pound men give each other concussions while a crowd cheers like extras in the movie Gladiator. So what is wrong with Beyoncé, everyone? Were you not entertained?”
Three word hashtag ‪#‎YouGoGirl‬

Not watered down.

January 30, 2016


The situation in Flint has made some nervous about New Orleans’ drinking water because the city still has some lead pipes from the early 1900s still in use. Solution for locals? Beer, wine, and whiskey neat.


A Delta Air Lines flight from Los Angeles to Minneapolis had to make an unscheduled landing in Salt Lake City because two flight female flight attendants got into a on board fistfight over “work issues” No word on if the airline also charged passengers a “catfight” fee.


Wonder what the polls will say on Monday about ‪#‎Iowa‬. Wait, we’re going to have actual VOTES?!!  Or caucus votes at least.  What a concept.

Iowa caucuses and “The Bachelor” both will be on TV Monday night. Difference at this point is that “The Bachelor” has more plausible human beings.


Police were called over an “incident” potentially involving Johnny Manziel and his ex-girlfriend early Saturday morning.  So congrats to all those who had January 30 in the last pool.

In Benicia, California, an FBI badge, credentials and three handguns were stolen from a secured FBI vehicle parked overnight in a neighborhood, What could possibly go wrong?. ‪#‎goodguywithagunbecomesstupidguywithoutguns‬




“The Revenant” didn’t get Best Picture at the SAG awards. So those who enjoy watching a winner emerge from white-on-white violence will just have to wait until the Iowa caucuses.

Cliven Bundy says now that LaVoy Finicum was “assassinated” during the wildlife refuge occupation. “These men in local, state, and U.S. government feared the truths that LaVoy Finicum was standing for….”
Well, that ought to really help Cliven’s son Ammon’s chances for bail.

Donald Trump is referring repeatedly to Ted Cruz as an “anchor baby.” But is Trump himself a host for the foreign–born furry thing that lives on his head?




From T.C. “If you bet on this weekend’s Pro Bowl, you are a degenerate. If you bet on both the Pro Bowl and the NHL All Star game, you need counseling.”

Counting crows?

June 4, 2015

So if it’s a pack of wolves, a murder of crows, what do you call all these wealthy people running for President in 2016? I’m thinking “an embarrassment of riches.”

Okay, giving the Duggars every benefit of the doubt and then some…. As Jim Bob excuses his son by saying it was a (14-15 year old) “child preying on a child.” And “there were a couple of instances where he touched them under their clothes, but it was like a few seconds.” Just trying to imagine their reaction if this “child” was a boy dating one of their “side-hug” only daughters.

A lot of conservatives are having problems with this whole Caitlyn Jenner thing. On one hand, they have issues with the idea of transgender people. On the other hand, the fact that Caitlyn will make more $$$ than Bruce ever did is ammunition for their belief that we don’t need laws requiring equal pay for women.

Sarah Palin has weighed in and blamed the Duggar family uproar on the “liberal media.” So congrats to all those who had June 4 in the pool.

The SF Giants went back to the White House Thursday to meet the President. Their first visit was in 2011. Wonder after that first meeting if the Giants or Obama were more surprised that the other was back there in 2015.

Apparently Lincecum missed the SF Giants’ White House visit today because he had gone ahead to Philadelphia to get ready to face the Phillies tomorrow. What a shame, Timmy was the one Giant who could have done some serious lobbying with Obama for marijuana legalization. ‪#‎letTimmysmoke‬


President Obama today as the SF Giants visited the White House for the third time in five years, “I mean, the truth is, it seems like if they get in, they’ll probably win it.” Clearly the same mantra dozens of candidates are using for the 2016 Presidential election.

At this point wouldn’t it be simpler and faster for all Republicans who AREN’T running for President to announce it?

Airline delay excuse of the day. On United a client reports lead flight attendant sliced his finger, had to get stitches so they had to get another attendant. Uh, wasn’t one of the points of TSA to take care of all the sharp objects?

Rick Perry is running for President again. And he’s smarter this time, because he has glasses. No doubt he’ll tell us three, or at least two reasons why….

John Bowlen, son of Denver Broncos owner Pat Bowlen, was arrested last night on domestic violence charges, following on John Elway’s son Jack’s arrest for domestic violence last year. Sounds like these guys are trying a little too hard to act like they fit in with NFL players.

The NCAA has charged UNC with five major violations connected to the school’s long-running academic fraud scandal. Now let’s see how they come up with “severe” punishments that don’t keep the men’s basketball team out of March Madness.

Monday mourning brackets.

March 19, 2012

Anyone remember that Xavier-Cincinnati brawl back in December? Both teams now in the men’s Sweet Sixteen. Maybe the Pac 12 needs to schedule a few brawls.

Actually there are four teams from Ohio left in the final Sweet Sixteen. Fans used to the Bengals, Brown, Cavaliers, Indians and Reds are thinking… mean we could actually win something?

For the fourth time in their last five tournament appearances, Notre Dame (a 7 seed this year) lost to a double digit seed. Normally when Catholics are this embarrassed, priests are involved.

On the other hand, there are 3 Pac 12 teams left in the NIT. Bringing up an interesting question -if you get an NIT championship banner do you hang it or use it to wipe down stuff in the locker room?

The SF Giants’ Freddie Sanchez may start the season on the DL. Disappointing fans who hoped that on Opening Day he would be recovered and ready to be injured again.

A recent Gallup poll shows only 35% percent of Republicans say they would enthusiastically support Romney in November. Not sure who’s more astonished, Mitt because he doesn’t understand why people don’t like him, or everyone else who can’t understand why 35% actually say they would vote enthusiastically for him.

The President picked North Carolina to win it all in the NCAA men’s tournament. Now star Tar Heel point guard Kendall Marshall has a fractured wrist and may or may not be done for the tournament. Yep, once again, it’s clearly Obama’s fault.

The wanna-be anti-education President in action again: Rick Santorum on ABC’s “This Week” referred to Puerto Rico as a “Spanish-speaking country.”

Santorum then ended up with seven percent of the Puerto Rican vote. Wonder if he put it down to those “damned foreigners.”

Give Mitt Romney credit. We’re into the second round of the NCAA’s and so far he’s avoided making any more embarrassing gaffes about being good friends with some of the team owners.

(my friend Bill D. says “Not so fast, maybe he owns a few schools.)

What seemed less likely a year ago, the Dolphins inviting Alex Smith to Miami to talk? Or 49ers fans actually caring?

Mitt Romney is attacking Obama on gas prices, and claims that the President only now advocates natural gas and increased U.S. oil drilling because of an “election-year conversion.” Well, if anyone’s an expert on conversions….

Derek Jeter said he had a feeling that Andy Pettite, who just signed a minor league contract with the Yankees, wanted to end his retirement and pitch again. Maybe it was seeing Pettite wandering around in that Brett Favre jersey.

Mario Mannngham, who signed with the San Francisco 49ers, tested positive for marijuana twice during his college days at Michigan. Wonder when Mario moves to Calfornia how long it will take him to get a prescription.

Commie pinko thought about birth control: “We need to get off of that issue. In my view, I think we ought to respect the right of women to make choices in their lives and make that clear and to get back onto what the American people really care about — jobs and the economy.” Quote from that noted liberal Senator John McCain.

Springing forward….

March 11, 2012

Rick Santorum sent his oldest daughter to Hawaii in advance of their state caucuses. Mitt Romney sent his son to Guam and the Northern Mariana Islands. So there’s a method to the madness in not having birth control, more offspring to campaign for you.

A woman hiker survived for 3½ weeks in a New Mexico national forest before being found on Wednesday with just her cat and a blue sleeping bag. What’s more impressive, that she didn’t try to eat the cat, or that the cat didn’t try to eat her?

Pat Knight, coach of Lamar, son of Bobby, in a rant two weeks ago “We’ve got the worst group of seniors right now that I’ve ever been associated with. Their mentality is awful. Their attitude is awful….” Since then the Cardinals have won six straight and are going to the NCAA Tournament. The GOP has asked if after the tournament Pat would be willing to coach their candidates?

Regarding this As-Giants territorial rights issue, which has been dragging on for three years, Bud Selig says “it’s on the front burner.” Maybe, but if so Selig turned off the gas a long time ago.

One year into the Pac 12, the Stanford Cal “Big Game” has been moved to mid-October (and Stanford-USC to 2 weeks before students arrive in Palo Alto.) And in their 1st year in the conference, Colorado probably knocked Arizona and maybe Cal out of the NCAA men’s basketball tournament. But, hey, there are those television contracts.

Not that I spend much time listening to Rush Limbaugh. But all these advertisers suddenly pulling spots after his recent comments about Sandra Fluke – have they ever paid attention to what he has been saying for years?

Ellen Degeneres just gently spoofed “The Bachelor” on her show. Although had she wanted to, Ellen could have used the show, with its proposal at the end, as an argument against legalized heterosexual marriage.

Sarah Palin is dismissing the movie “Game Change” as unimportant. Well, it takes one….

Mitt Romney won the Wyoming caucuses with 47 % of the vote. Or with 47 votes? Not sure. Maybe it’s the same number.

Rick Santorum won the Kansas GOP primary after Mitt Romney did not even campaign there. Guess Mitt couldn’t figure out anything nice to say about the height of the trees, or what Kansan food specialty he liked.

The Jets signed Mark Sanchez to a $58.25 million five year contract making him the seventh-highest paid QB in the NFL. Sounds like New York has gone from Linsanity to Insanity.

The Detroit Lions’ Ndamukong Suh was ticketed for driving 91 m.p.h. in a 55-m.p.h. zone this weekend in Oregon. Guess Suh also needs to learn not to stomp on the gas.

Open note to anyone who thinks women in sports aren’t as tough as men: LSU women’s basketball coach Nikki Caldwell, who played for Tennessee during the 1990s, had her team lose in the SEC finals last Sunday night, gave birth to a girl, Tuesday morning, and will be back for the women’s tournament.

March Madness.

March 1, 2012

Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, 24, is reportedly pregnant with her first child. This might even make Rick Santorum is rethink his position on birth control.

Mitt Romney’s latest ad calls Rick Santorum a liberal. Uh, maybe it’s time to ask Mittens if HE inhaled?

After all the millions Mitt Romney spent in Michigan, he ended up with the same number of delegates (15) as Rick Santorum. Poor Mitt. If this presidency thing doesn’t work out, with that kind of spending to results ratio, there may be a job waiting for him with the NY Yankees.

Derrick Rose may be the NBA MVP but he cost 21,000+ fans a free Big Mac by missing two late free throws in a 99-95 victory last night. (McD’s gives the burgers to ticket holders when Chicago scores 100 points or more in a home win.) Rose apologized – he should have just said he was looking out for fans’ health.

A Gainesville, GA paper reported that a student trying to send a text to say “Gunna be at West Hall this afternoon” had auto correct change the 1st word to “Gunman.” The recipient alerted authorities and both West Hall High and Middle school were temporarily locked down. Yet more proof that smart phones don’t necessarily make smart users.

Khloe Kardashian said on the Tonight Show that one of the first things Kris Humphries said to her was “So, how much you getting paid to fake your marriage?” Guess the answer for Kris himself was, “Not enough.

Apparently MLB will institute new playoff system with extra teams THIS season. What’s the rush? Guess they wanted to maximize chances of showing the Yankees and Red Sox in the post season.

Stanford women closed out their basketball home season with a 76-52 win over Seattle. The Cardinal shot 100% (13-13) from the free-throw line. See, boys? It’s possible.

Davy Jones of the Monkees just passed away at 66. Said Baby boomers “So young?” Said anyone under 30 “Who the heck was Davy Jones?”

A tornado caused serious damage to hotels and theaters in Branson, Missouri today. Along with injuries and deaths in the area. So where are all the folks who ascribe any weather disaster in places like San Francisco and New Orleans to God’s punishment of sinners?

Mitt Romney won Wyoming primary. 29 delegates. He got about 822 of 2,000 total votes. Not sure how much Romney spent, but Mitt could have afforded to buy them all a Cadillac.

Interesting quote from “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno” Wednesday night: “Citizens United – “The worst decision of the United States Supreme Court. They should be ashamed and embarrassed of what they did.” Direct quote from that noted liberal John McCain.

The Daytona 500 hours?

February 29, 2012

No, it just seemed that long.

Though Mitt Romney did have time to get a car into the race to compete with Rick Santorum…?

(from Jim Pratt, via Tony L. Thanks.)

The Dow closed above 13,000 Tuesday. The GOP immediately started talking louder about birth control.

Rick Santorum Tuesday night talked in his speech about “the men & women who signed the Declaration of Independence.” Yeah, I can see why Santorum’s so down on education, he clearly hasn’t retained much of his.

Mitt Romney won Michigan today, although he lost with GOP voters without a college degree, and lost by a wide margin amongst those making less than $100,000 a year. In short, Mitt got all the GOP primary voters with two Cadillacs.

$4 million for a slim primary win in Michigan. And Mitt campaigns on the idea of cutting wasteful spending.

(Romney might have done better if he donated the money to the Detroit Tigers to buy another pitcher.)

One thing people aren’t talking about. Yes, Mitt Romney is winning his home state with 41 % – a plurality. But 59% of the GOP in Michigan prefer anyone but the man who should have wrapped up this nomination a long time ago.

Santorum talking about his mom who got graduate degree, worked as a professional and made more money than her husband while raising three kids. So, an uppity elitist who used birth control?

Posting an intelligent quote for a change: “I do find it frustrating that an atmosphere of polarization and ‘my way or the highway’ ideologies has become pervasive in campaigns and in our governing institutions.” That would be Maine GOP senator Olympia Snowe, in announcing her retirement today.

The Big 12 announced today that the price for Missouri’s and Texas A&M leaving the conference will be $12.41 million each. Once again, hard to imagine how these recruits get seduced into thinking it’s about money.

Last year at the NFL combine, Cam Newton recorded a 35″ vertical leap. This year Andrew Luck achieved a 36’’ vertical. Wow. At least one white man can jump.

Hank Haney, Tiger Woods’ former swing coach, says in his new book that the quest to break Jack Nicklaus’ record of 18 majors weighed heavily on Tiger. Really? I would think that what took a bigger toll in the end was Woods’ pursuit of 18 plus waitresses.

Manager Brad Mills has decided that Brett Meyers will be the Astros new closer. Next up, trying to make sure Myers actually has games to close.

The 12 contestants have been announced for “Dancing with the Stars.” And many of the names bring the usual reaction from most Americans – “Who?”

Okay, this really isn’t funny, but, Darwin award of the year nominee: Police say a Havelock, North Carolina man is dead after he accidentally drank from a jar of gasoline and then smoked a cigarette. (He died in the UNC burn center.)

Cha-cha-cha changes…..

January 18, 2012

Last week Jon Huntsman called Mitt Romney “unelectable” and “out-of-touch.” This week he endorsed him for President. I know Jon’s a Mormon but he changed his estimation faster than a man at a singles bar at closing time.

Passengers on a BA Miami to London flight were awakened at 300am by an automated message saying “This is an emergency announcement. We may shortly need to make an emergency landing on water.”

A a cabin crew member had pushed the wrong button. Wonder if the employee might be terminated. If so, they are likely to get a job offer from Costa Cruise Lines.

But come on, really? You try to delete spam or a pop-up ad sometimes and get the response “Are you really sure you want to delete this message,” Or “Are you really sure you want to navigate away from this page?” Doesn’t it seem like there should be a “Are you SURE you want to push this button?” message.

Dwight Howard has now apparently added the Clippers to his trade wish list. Wonder how long it will take Jack Nicholson to apply for season tickets.

Highly-rated QB prospect Gunner Kiel has enrolled at Notre Dame, after first committing to Indiana, and then LSU. Who’s Kiel’s role model? Brett Favre?

Celebrity chef Paula Deen announced she has Type 2 diabetes. For anyone who’s followed her cooking show or her books, there’s just one question – “What took so long?”

High school QB Gunner Kiel, rated #2 in the country, has now committed to three different colleges. Now, former top prospect Andrew Luck called his own plays. Don’t think this will happen with Kiel. Coaches will have to figure he’ll never decide what play to call.

Nick Montana, son of Joe, is transferring from the University of Washington to a junior college, in hopes of eventually finding another four year school where he can play more. And the BCS still says it’s all about protecting the “student-athletes.”

n Santa Rosa, California, a police sting caught 9 people driving away from the courthouse, out of 18 who had JUST been told by a judge not to drive. Along with the original charges will the police add enhancements for stupidity?

A final written tally of the Iowa caucus votes will be released Friday, and it turns out Rick Santorum may have actually beaten Mitt Romney. Who did the original counting? Rick Perry?

The SF Giants have signed Pablo Sandoval to a 3-year contract. The contract is guaranteed unless the Panda does anything dangerous, like motorcycling, mountain climbing, or getting within 50 feet of a Taco Bell.

Mitt Romney said today that he most of his income comes from investments (makes sense, since he’s been running for President for the last eight years) and currently pays taxes “close to the 15% rate.” 15%. Yeah, I can see why he thinks he needs a tax cut….

More Romney: In discussing his probable 15% tax rate, he said it is because he has mostly investment income, adding “I get speakers fees from time to time, but not very much.” Last year, Romney earned only $374,327.62 in speaking fees. Can’t imagine how Mitt gets the image of being out of touch.

A new PPP (Public Policy Polling) poll shows President Obama leading Mitt Romney 49-45. Now polls can vary but one interesting side note: Romney leads by 6 points with men, but Obama leads by 14 points with women. (Comments on this one especially encouraged.)

Bowled over. Finally.

January 11, 2012


Not saying bowl season goes on too long, but even many guys had to be thinking, Ah heck, enough, let’s switch to the channel where the guy gets to choose between all the hot scantily clad chicks.

Monday night’s LSU-Alabama rematch was the lowest-rated BCS title game ever. Rumor has it at some point ESPN thought about turning the game over to Versus.

But really, this stretched out BCS is becoming a joke. Why, the January 9 final meant that even the major bowl game schedule lasted longer than most folks’ New Year’s resolutions.

T.C’s BCS comments: The BCS Championship game was so boring that Dr.Pepper is rumored to be withdrawing it’s sponsorship. Red Bull is signing up right away.

My vote for MVPs? Both kickers. Bama’s place kicker and LSU’s punter.

Actually the only player with less to do this week than LSU’s placekicker? The New Orleans’ Saints punter.

The Golden State Warriors were down 17 points tonight to the Miami Heat, and down 84-72 after the third. And they won 111-106 in OT. Wow. Who knew Lebron and company were already in playoff form.

This line isn’t original, but kudos to Jim Harbaugh for maintaining a sense of humor. When asked how it felt to watch the Saints rack up 626 yards in offense last weekend, the 49ers coach responded “It makes me go to bed and sleep like a baby. I wake up every hour crying.”

Who’d a thunk two months ago that Tim Tebow would last longer in a NFL leadership position than Hue Jackson?

Jon Huntsman failed to qualify for the ballot in Arizona, because the the nomination paper submitted on his behalf did not include the required notarized signature. And Huntsman’s supposed to be the smart one?

On the other hand, another great campaign moment. Rick Santorum sent out an email to his supporters talking about waiting for the polls to open in New Hampshire. Except he sent it at 645p EST tonight. (Are we sure he didn’t inhale.)

And how bad was Rick Perry’s N.H. performance? The Texas Governor could probably actually count all his votes.

John McCain said last night that picking Sarah Palin his running mate was “still the best decision I’ve ever made.” Of course, this could be pandering. Or it could mean America dodged a bullet by not electing a man who now appears too old to be president.

Robert Griffin III told Baylor today he was going pro. Bears’ coaches weren’t sure at first if that meant entering the NFL draft or transferring to an SEC school.

A new Facebook app allows users to post a carefully constructed message to the world in the event of their death. Bummer for all those who might have used such an app on MySpace.

Does this really need a punchline? Kim Kardashian who made a Super Bowl commercial for Skechers (a sneaker company) last year, has been replaced in this year’s commercial by a French bulldog.

All these GOP candidates lambasting Mitt Romney for saying he likes to fire people. Makes me almost wish Donald Trump was still running.

Congratulations to Mitt Romney for winning the New Hampshire primary. Now Mitt willl be increasingly campaigning against the President’s promised “hope and change.” And with Romney’s positions, you don’t need to hope, you KNOW they’ll change.


January 4, 2012

Okay, now in all seriousness, the combined votes for Romney and Santorum in the Iowa caucuses….approximately equal the population of Palo Alto, California. (Just under 59.000. Total.)

About 120,000 voters voted period. Which is less than the population of Sunnyvale, California. (To out of state or out of country readers that’s a suburb several miles from San Jose, about 131,000 people.)

Maybe we should just move the Iowa caucuses to some small towns in California. Same number of random votes, better weather.

Rick Santorum lost by only eight votes in Iowa. After losing his 2006 re-election to the Senate by a record margin, and saying this week he believes states have the right to ban birth control and sodomy (which, google it, includes what Bill did with Monica.) Guess this answers one question -how much do many Republicans hate Mitt Romney?

The mud is flying fast and furious in Iowa as we approach the caucuses tonight. This probably does mean good news, however, for one candidate – President Obama.

The Las Vegas Hilton has changed its name to “The Las Vegas Hotel & Casino,” dropping the Hilton name. Wonder how many times over the past decade the Hilton family has hoped Paris would do the same thing.

Another potential winner in tonight’s Iowa caucuses? Hillary Clinton. Seriously. Because if she figures Obama will be re-elected but hasn’t ruled out 2016, Clinton has to be looking at this field and figure she can beat all of them with half her brain tied behind her pantsuit.

Want to cut down on your soda consumption? How about this story, where a man is claiming to have found a mouse inside of a Mountain Dew can. Pepsi’s expert testified if a mouse HAD gotten into a can that it would have been dissolved in the soda’s acid, and transformed into a “jelly like substance.”

Stanford coach David Shaw quoted Tuesday in the SF Chronicle: “We can’t settle for field goals against a good football team.” Uh, well then why play for one at the end?

Happiest people in America right now, after Stanford’s snatching defeat from the jaws of victory, and following Oregon and Boise State’s earlier costly last second losses this season -any parents of a good high school kicker looking for a scholarship.

Apparently Stanford’s kicker was “Tebowing” it in prayer on the sidelines before his end of regulation missed kick. Guess he hasn’t seen Tim’s results the past few weeks.

From T.C. Observation on Totitos Fiesta Bowl: One player is definitely Toast(titos)in next NFL Draft – the Stanford Field Goal kicker. Somewhere a Stanford music teacher is saying, “we should have signed that kid up to play in the band!”