Posted tagged ‘Nascar jokes’

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Jersey boy oh boy.

June 30, 2015

So what will Chris Christie’s campaign slogan be? Suggestion – “Put a real bully in the pulpit.”

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Chris Christie has joined the 2016 Presidential race. Guess he figured the field needed a heavy hitter?

 

(Yes, Chris Christie fat jokes are like shooting fish in a barrel. If the fish were deep fried and covered with a cream sauce.)

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Open note to both ‪#‎ChrisChristie‬ & ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬ – “That word does not mean what you think it means.” ‪#‎Bullypulpit‬  #princessbride

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Donald Trump has now filed a $500 million lawsuit against Univision after they dropped his pageants. So is that how the Donald plans to deal with all his opponents and our enemies aboard – sue them?

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Some day the NBA is really going to miss Coach Popovich. But fortunately not yet. Pop on free agency, which started at 12:01am Wednesday.  “I’m not calling anyone at midnight, I’ll be in bed. And if that’s the difference in someone coming or not coming, then I don’t want them.”

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BJ’s Restaurant & Brewhouse, trying to promote their new quinoa dishes, is offering a $10,000 gift card to the first person who can prove, with a birth certificate, that they have named their baby “Quinoa.” $10,000?! That would barely cover a year’s therapy.

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Daytona International Speedway will give a free U.S. flag to any fan wishing to trade in their Confederate flag this weekend. Who’d a thunk that NASCAR would end up being more sensitive to symbols than the NFL? ‪#‎Redskins

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At current count “only” five Royals are slated to start the MLB All-Star game. But whatever happens, maybe these Presidential candidates desperate for votes in 2016 should consider hiring a consultant from Kansas City.

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#‎SFGiants‬ have DFA’d ‪#‎CaseyMcGehee‬ for a second time in 2015. Do we call this a “Double Play DFA?”

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QB Russell Wilson said in an interview “I’ll play hard for $25 million or for $1.5 million.” And Seahawks management is thinking “Are both of those offers?”

 

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The Ku Klux Klan plans a July rally protest possibly removing the Confederate flag from South Carolina statehouse grounds. If they feel that strongly about the flag maybe the Klan should head overseas and try to raise it in an ISIS stronghold?

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Open note to anyone asking for a political contribution. “Urgent” in the subject line is effectively a synonym for “Hit the delete button.” ‪#‎enoughalready‬

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The University of Missouri at Kansas City paid Chelsea Clinton $65,000, to speak, because they couldn’t afford Hilary’s fee of $275,000. Hmm, if the school could have held out for a few years maybe they could have gotten Charlotte for less.

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One escaped murderer is dead, the other in hospital and in custody. But the FBI is now apparently investigating a possible heroin ring in the New York prison where the two escaped from earlier this month. The surviving convict better stay alive at this point, they’ll need him as a consultant for the movie

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A Louisiana man, unhappy with Walmart’s removing Confederate flags from their stores, went in with a picture of an ISIS flag, and had it put on a cake, then complained in a Youtube video that went viral. Walmart has apologized. “It’s unfortunate one customer thought to take advantage of an associate who did not know the flag and its meaning,”

And some people think it doesn’t matter if all Americans are educated.

 
From Marc Ragovin “Dwyane Wade has opted out of his contract with the Heat. “I think a lot of teams are going to show interest in him,” said 2009.”

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Moving on.

September 29, 2014

Monday was the first day that MLB had to survive without Derek Jeter.  Tragic, really.

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A’s vs. Royals today in the AL Wild Card game. “I’ll take two teams where most Americans can’t name a single player for $500, Alex.”

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Not to say the ‪#‎Patriots‬ are getting old but rumor has it their video spy team has been using ‪#‎VHS‬ tape.

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On Monday, National Coffee Day, restaurants were giving away coffee to customers. Now at 2am EST Tuesday ‪#‎NationalCoffeeDay‬ is trending on Facebook…. Presumably because of all those wide awake people who had several cups of free coffee.

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After NC State almost upset Florida State, the Wolfpack coach caused the Seminoles of faking injures. Jimbo Fisher responded “Well, I accuse him of not knowing what he’s talking about. They’re not fake injuries. No one faked injuries, and we wouldn’t do that.” He might have added, “Really, everyone knows FSU only fakes grades and arrest reports.”

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Detroit Lions TE Joseph Fauria says he sprained his ankle when he fell while chasing after a puppy he was toilet training. The puppy now has more tackles than most of the Oakland Raiders defense.

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The ‪#‎Raiders‬ have fired ‪#‎DennisAllen‬. Shocking. So Oakland thinks they have found someone else to take over their train wreck?

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Geno Smith yelled “F— you” at a heckler after the game at MetLife Stadium. If this keeps up, even PETA members will be calling for Michael Vick. ‪#‎Jets‬

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In a 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court rejected Ohio early voting starting Sept. 30 instead of Oct. 7. Rationale? Presumably because the Court couldn’t figure out a way, yet, to overturn the 15th and 19th amendments.

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Joe Girardi said today he expects A-Rod to play 3rd next year, but that he doesn’t anticipate Rodriguez’s return to create a distraction. Hmm, is it time to start drug testing MLB managers?

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O’Hare Airport still has thousands of cancelled flights, and the FAA says Chicago air traffic won’t be back to normal until at last mid October. Which should be right about the time they start closing the airports for snow.

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A Southern California woman is suing the producers of “Glee” because she allegedly tripped over cables at Burbank Town Center while the series was filming there. Would be interesting to see security footage from the mall, over-under on the odds the woman was looking at her phone at the time

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Bus to hell, NASCAR version:  Tony Stewart said Monday in a press conference that retiring “would take the life out of me.” Is that really the right phrase to use after killing someone with your car?

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He has his blinker on, she stops for directions?

February 21, 2014

Ok, this could be fun. Tony Stewart, defending his driver Danica Patrick against Richard Petty, 76, who asserted that the only way she could win a Sprint Cup race is if no one else were on the track: “I think a race would settle it once and for all. I will supply the cars. I’ll make sure they have exactly the same setup in the car and give him the chance

 

 

Johnny Manziel “I feel like I play like I’m 10 feet tall.” That kind of cockiness is no doubt to inspire several defensive ends and linebackers to try to put him 6 feet under.

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The Arizona legislature has passed a bill allowing individuals to use religious beliefs as a defense against a lawsuit And of course, it would allow bigots not to serve gays and lesbians. But doesn’t it equally mean that gays, lesbians and Christians who believe we are all God’s children could refuse to serve bigots?

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Crooks are stupid item of the day: A California man was arrested when he went to the police to report he had been the victim of a hit-and-run. And the police recognized him and his car from surveillance videos from three recent robberies.

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Congratulations to Canada on their gold medal in men’s curling. Maybe a nation with strong gun control laws needs to get really good at throwing rocks?

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One of this year’s Olympic oxymorons: U.S. Speedskaters

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The situation in the Ukraine is bad enough that Putin may soon be telling Olympic reporters “Why don’t you ask me about gay rights?

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Have to love it. Ashley Wagner, who had a fall-plagued skate at US nationals and was named to Team USA based on her past record over a woman who skated better, is now complaining about the judging in the Olympics, claiming that higher scores were awarded based on reputation and favoritism. #irony

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Ok. I guess most Americans can now stop pretending to care about Hockey for another four years.

 

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Apparently angry parents who took their kids to see Miley Cyrus are calling to complain about too much sexual innuendo in her concerts. Uh, did any of these people see or read about the MTV awards before buying tickets?

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Michele Bachman told an interviewer that she thought many Americans “aren’t ready” for a female president. Uh, Michele, maybe they just aren’t ready for YOU to be president.

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So long, farewell. Auf wiedersehen, good bye. Maria Agatha Franziska Gobertina von Trapp, the second oldest and last surviving child of the Trapp family, (Louisa in the Sound of Music) died last week at 99. Let’s hope it wasn’t that NBC remake that killed her.

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Daily affirmation?

May 26, 2013

Minnesota Senator Al Franken, once thought to be a top GOP target, is now a heavy favorite to win re-election. Guess he’s good enough, smart enough, and people like him.

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Now-former Notre Dame QB Everett Golson said he was “suspended from the university for poor academic judgment.”. Give the guy some credit. He accepts responsibility and can use polysyllabic words.

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But come on, if he did plagiarise an exam, you think Golson couldn’t have found an imaginary girlfriend to take the test for him?

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When new Rutgers AD Julie Hermann coached women’s volleyball at Tennessee, 15 players wrote a letter complaining she called them “whores, alcoholics and learning disabled.” Now when asked Hermann said “I never heard any of this, never name-calling them or anything like that whatsoever.” Possibly proving that women can be just as clueless as men about saying those three little words – “I was wrong.”

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Asked  if they would fit with the Republican party today. “Reagan wouldn’t have made it, certainly Nixon wouldn’t have made it, because he had ideas. We (I) might have made it, but I doubt it.” The responder? That commie-pinko Bob Dole.

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A rope cable from the Fox Skycam fell tonight during the Coca-Cola 600, injuring at least 10 fans and damaging several cars. Of course this is bad news for the fans and drivers, but on the other hand, a few more episodes like this should be good for NASCAR TV ratings.

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Good luck to Mike Kickham, 24, who as been announced as the SF Giants’ Tuesday starter against the Oakland As. Kickham will at least temporarily be the third lefty in the Giants rotation. And really, isn’t Tim  Lincecum weird enough to be an honorary lefty?

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Los Angeles Dodgers’ 2013 record when trailing after six innings – 0 and 17. And all those Dodger fans who leave in the 7th said “See!?”

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Feeling jaded about MLB as a business?  I dare you to watch this postgame interview without smiling.

http://bleacherreport.com/articles/1652622-munenori-kawasaki-video-watch-blue-jays-ss-epic-interview-after-walkoff-double

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Crashing and burning.

March 4, 2012

The Costa Concordia wasn’t Captain Schettino’s first mishap. He also crashed a second cruise ship in 2010 resulting in minor damage while entering a German port. If Schettino can somehow avoid jail, wonder if he’ll be offered a job with the GoDaddy.com racing team.

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Wonder how many folks will be turning into this week’s Nascar race, not in hopes of watching two cars crash into each other. But in hopes of watching another fuel truck flambee.

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A 26 year old Florida teacher was arrested and charged with “unlawful sexual activity” with a minor after a 16 year old boy told police they were in love and had had sex in her car. Records showed that the pair had traded more than 12,000 text messages in 4 months. On the bright side, sounds like the kid definitely has learned how to read and write.

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Guess Bobby Valentine wanted to make a statement. Boston beat D3 Northeastern University in baseball today 25-0. Following the game the Red Sox were made honorary SEC football boosters.

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In the “cheer up it could be worse category”, example A this week has to be the New Orleans Saints. A couple days ago the biggest embarrassment the team was facing was not being able to work out a contract extension with Drew Brees.

(adds my friend Michael Duca, “Brees should look on the bright side – they could have put a bounty on him.”)

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On the first day after the United-Continental merger was finalized, reportedly 16% of United flights were on time Saturday from O’Hare airport. Normally when people are this frustrated in Chicago, the Cubs are involved.

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The New York Knicks are apparently so excited about the way that they are playing lately that they had a meeting with a doctor to talk about ways to combat insomnia. Presumably the doctor suggested things like warm milk, counting sheep, and watching tapes of the Charlotte Bobcats games.

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Rush Limbaugh has now apologized for calling Sandra Fluke a “slut.” Saying “I did not mean a personal attack on Ms. Fluke.” Uh, if Rush doesn’t think “slut” is a personal attack, starting to understand why his marriages have lasted as long as Mitt Romney’s positions.

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Am wondering where Sarah Palin was on this one. Since she was so upset about personal attacks on her daughter as an unwed mother… Or is it only off-limits for the media to go after Republican young women who have pre-marital sex?

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Rush Limbaugh is referring to Claire McCaskell as a “commie babe liberal.” Hey, that wouldn’t make a bad t-shirt.
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Nothing can go wrong… More in the United merger department: Client flying SF to JFK March 4 got “You have received this notification because the first flight in your upcoming UA itinerary is operated by TAM and/or its partners. To check in for this trip, please proceed to TAM’s website or their check-in area at the airport” (TAM only flies to and within Brazil.. and not to SF at all.)

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Former San Jose coach Ron Wilson was just fired by the Toronto Maple Leafs after a 1-9-1 stretch. Or as Sharks fans call that, having the team in his playoff form.

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“The Lorax” has pulled in over $17 million this weekend. Wonder how much of that was people piling into their SUVs and driving to see the movie in giant multiplexes?.

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Spring training games start today. Guess that means we’re watching for the little furry thing who lives in Brian Wilson’s beard to pop out and see if he sees his shadow.

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This may only make sense to San Francisco Bay Area readers…But it’s a good day in the San Francisco area when you turn on the radio, and, surprise, it’s Kruk and Kuip on the radio again calling a Giants game.

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The Daytona 500 hours?

February 29, 2012

No, it just seemed that long.

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Though Mitt Romney did have time to get a car into the race to compete with Rick Santorum…?

(from Jim Pratt, via Tony L. Thanks.)

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The Dow closed above 13,000 Tuesday. The GOP immediately started talking louder about birth control.

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Rick Santorum Tuesday night talked in his speech about “the men & women who signed the Declaration of Independence.” Yeah, I can see why Santorum’s so down on education, he clearly hasn’t retained much of his.

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Mitt Romney won Michigan today, although he lost with GOP voters without a college degree, and lost by a wide margin amongst those making less than $100,000 a year. In short, Mitt got all the GOP primary voters with two Cadillacs.

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$4 million for a slim primary win in Michigan. And Mitt campaigns on the idea of cutting wasteful spending.

(Romney might have done better if he donated the money to the Detroit Tigers to buy another pitcher.)

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One thing people aren’t talking about. Yes, Mitt Romney is winning his home state with 41 % – a plurality. But 59% of the GOP in Michigan prefer anyone but the man who should have wrapped up this nomination a long time ago.

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Santorum talking about his mom who got graduate degree, worked as a professional and made more money than her husband while raising three kids. So, an uppity elitist who used birth control?

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Posting an intelligent quote for a change: “I do find it frustrating that an atmosphere of polarization and ‘my way or the highway’ ideologies has become pervasive in campaigns and in our governing institutions.” That would be Maine GOP senator Olympia Snowe, in announcing her retirement today.

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The Big 12 announced today that the price for Missouri’s and Texas A&M leaving the conference will be $12.41 million each. Once again, hard to imagine how these recruits get seduced into thinking it’s about money.

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Last year at the NFL combine, Cam Newton recorded a 35″ vertical leap. This year Andrew Luck achieved a 36’’ vertical. Wow. At least one white man can jump.

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Hank Haney, Tiger Woods’ former swing coach, says in his new book that the quest to break Jack Nicklaus’ record of 18 majors weighed heavily on Tiger. Really? I would think that what took a bigger toll in the end was Woods’ pursuit of 18 plus waitresses.

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Manager Brad Mills has decided that Brett Meyers will be the Astros new closer. Next up, trying to make sure Myers actually has games to close.

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The 12 contestants have been announced for “Dancing with the Stars.” And many of the names bring the usual reaction from most Americans – “Who?”
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Okay, this really isn’t funny, but, Darwin award of the year nominee: Police say a Havelock, North Carolina man is dead after he accidentally drank from a jar of gasoline and then smoked a cigarette. (He died in the UNC burn center.)

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Daytona 500 – Please sir, may I have s’mores.

February 28, 2012

Well, I’m not a NASCAR fan. But must admit watching a car run into a fuel truck (when no one gets hurt) is pretty spectacular.

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Watching the Daytona track cleanup, which is more fun than the race. And millions of American women are discovering, yes, men can be taught how to use Tide.

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“Breakfast at Daytona” has turned into “Demolition Derby.”

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Montoya’s accident with the truck was the biggest flameout in the South since S.C. Governor Sanford said he was hiking the Appalachian Trail.

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Good thing the airlines don’t sponsor NASCAR. With that much jet fuel spilled, future race tickets would certainly have a fuel surcharge.

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Mitt Romney is accusing Rick Santorum’s campaign of being “deceptive” and using “dirty tricks” in making robo calls telling Democratic voters to come out to the polls Tuesday in Michigan and vote against Romney. Translation, Mitt’s mad he didn’t think of the idea of calling Democrats first.

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Mitt Romney told supporters in Michigan about attending the Golden Jubilee celebration of the American automobile as a young boy. The problem is that the event took place nine months before Mitt was born. In Romney’s defense maybe he’s still traumatized from dodging sniper fire in Bosnia with Hillary Clinton.

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(Either that or Mitt is trying to trump Santorum’s “life begins at conception” with “memory begins at conception.)

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Rick Santorum is attacking President Obama” for wanting all Americans to have the chance to at least attend community college. Well, makes sense, Santorum’s BA, MBA AND JD don’t appear to have helped him become any smarter.

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Best thing about Jennifer Lopez’s “wardrobe malfunction” last night. If it had to happen to an American Idol judge, at least it wasn’t Steven Tyler.

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New reality show? “Survivor – Costa Cruises.”

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How do you say “oops” in Italian. A fire in the generator room of the Costa Allegra, has left that cruise ship adrift off the Seychelles. No casualties, but wonder if they had to rescue the captain after he fell into a lifeboat?

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Kobe Bryant finished the All-Star game despite having sustained a “nasal fracture” Guess no one noticed since we’re all used to seeing Kobe with his nose out of joint.

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Poor Mitt, wondering why people think he is out of touch. From Paul Krugman in the NY Times: “Asked by the AP reporter if he follows NASCAR, Romney responded, ‘Not as closely as some of the most ardent fans. But I have some great friends who are NASCAR team owners'”

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A measure to legalize the recreational use of marijuana has qualified for the Colorado ballot this November. Insert “Rocky Mountain High” joke here.

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Newark Airport temporarily closed tonight for an emergency landing and a disabled plane blocking a runway. The airport reopened with delays of up to an hour. No compensation for passengers, because hey, stuff happens. But try telling an airline you got stuck in traffic and missed your flight..

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Batting clean-up?

July 1, 2011

One of those pictures worth a thousand words.  Brian Wilson of the SF Giants after blowing consecutive saves for only the second time in his career.

 

The Giants did win 4-3 in extra innings.  But San Francisco starter Madison Bumgarner ended up with a no-decision, after 7 plus scoreless innings and nine strikeouts. 

One of many phrases I would like to nominate for retirement – “Another great pitching outing wasted due to the Giants lack of offense.”

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The team’s new slogan?  “San Francisco Giants – redefining torture since 2010.”

(and yes, I know, Cubs fans have NO sympathy.)

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Maria Shriver has filed for divorce from Arnold Schwarzenegger. Wonder if Arnold married a Kennedy because he thought they were bred to overlook infidelity. if so he forgot about the concept of evolution.

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The SEC announced their top athletes of the year, and the male athlete was tennis player John-Patrick Smith, not Cam Newton. SEC commissioner Mike Slive called Smith an “outstanding example of what a student-athlete can accomplish, both on and off the field.” I guess even Slive had a hard time imagining referring to Cam Newton as a “student-athlete.”

(my friend Tony Banks adds – Cam Newton a student?  Fig Newton attended more classes.)

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Last week during the Nascar race at Sonoma, driver Tony Stewart intentionally spun fellow driver Brian Vickers because he felt the guy was blocking him. Then Vickers retaliated by wrecking Stewart’s car. And now Tony has vowed to wreck ANY driver who blocks him on the track. Charming. But NASCAR television ratings may go through the roof.

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Forget the Sprint Cup championship.  NASCAR may need to add a separate category for demolition derby.

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Another reason Americans might have had to celebrate Canada Day. This year the CFL may be the only professional football we get. (Well, outside of USC, Ohio State and the SEC.)

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Most Americans aren’t following the whole debt ceiling controversy in Washington, saying it’s too complicated to understand. On the other hand, many of those same Americans would have no trouble explaining the minutiae of the Casey Anthony case.

 

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Race day..

May 29, 2011

Aka, “there’s no NHL playoffs, there’s no NBA playoffs, it’s a holiday weekend so other than baseball so what’s on TV besides CSI reruns?”

 

Both Dale Earnhardt, Jr and J.R.Hildebrand’s cars were sponsored Sunday by the National Guard, whose motto is “Always Ready, Always There.” Well, apparently except for on the last lap.

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How bad are gas prices? Apparently even Dale Earnhardt Jr was tempted into not quite filling the tank today.

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JR Hildebrand has a twitter account. Wonder if his last tweet today was “Wow about 2 win Indy 500…. Oh sh*t”?

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Hildebrand may have lost the Indy 500 with his crash into the wall on the last turn. But he has a potential great opportunity to make a commercial warning kids not to text and drive.

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On Fox News today John McCain said “Of course” Sarah Palin can beat Obama. And millions of Americans breathed a sigh of relief. Had we elected John in 2008 the country would be dealing with a sitting President suffering from at least early stage dementia.

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Scientists have found that near starvation diets make everything from mice to monkeys live longer, and they are speculating that severe calorie restriction might help humans live longer too. Either that or going without ever eating anything bad for you makes every day feel like forever.

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First Trump, now Mitch Daniels. The GOP contenders who have decided not to run for President both say they could have won. Is this an election or a remake of “On the Waterfront?”

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Dallas QB Tony Romo got married Saturday. And to the surprise of many Cowboys fan, he made it through the important ceremony without dropping the ring.

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Wonder if there’s some loophole that would allow USC and Ohio State to compete next year in the “Probation Bowl?”

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Beyond the current penalties for the current team, there are rumors the NCAA may take away USC’s 2004 football National Championship.  The operative word being “may.”  And of course “when?”  Are they waiting until players on that year’s team have children who are of college recruiting age?

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