Posted tagged ‘Costa jokes’

Daytona 500 – Please sir, may I have s’mores.

February 28, 2012

Well, I’m not a NASCAR fan. But must admit watching a car run into a fuel truck (when no one gets hurt) is pretty spectacular.

Watching the Daytona track cleanup, which is more fun than the race. And millions of American women are discovering, yes, men can be taught how to use Tide.

“Breakfast at Daytona” has turned into “Demolition Derby.”

Montoya’s accident with the truck was the biggest flameout in the South since S.C. Governor Sanford said he was hiking the Appalachian Trail.

Good thing the airlines don’t sponsor NASCAR. With that much jet fuel spilled, future race tickets would certainly have a fuel surcharge.

Mitt Romney is accusing Rick Santorum’s campaign of being “deceptive” and using “dirty tricks” in making robo calls telling Democratic voters to come out to the polls Tuesday in Michigan and vote against Romney. Translation, Mitt’s mad he didn’t think of the idea of calling Democrats first.

Mitt Romney told supporters in Michigan about attending the Golden Jubilee celebration of the American automobile as a young boy. The problem is that the event took place nine months before Mitt was born. In Romney’s defense maybe he’s still traumatized from dodging sniper fire in Bosnia with Hillary Clinton.

(Either that or Mitt is trying to trump Santorum’s “life begins at conception” with “memory begins at conception.)

Rick Santorum is attacking President Obama” for wanting all Americans to have the chance to at least attend community college. Well, makes sense, Santorum’s BA, MBA AND JD don’t appear to have helped him become any smarter.

Best thing about Jennifer Lopez’s “wardrobe malfunction” last night. If it had to happen to an American Idol judge, at least it wasn’t Steven Tyler.

New reality show? “Survivor – Costa Cruises.”

How do you say “oops” in Italian. A fire in the generator room of the Costa Allegra, has left that cruise ship adrift off the Seychelles. No casualties, but wonder if they had to rescue the captain after he fell into a lifeboat?

Kobe Bryant finished the All-Star game despite having sustained a “nasal fracture” Guess no one noticed since we’re all used to seeing Kobe with his nose out of joint.

Poor Mitt, wondering why people think he is out of touch. From Paul Krugman in the NY Times: “Asked by the AP reporter if he follows NASCAR, Romney responded, ‘Not as closely as some of the most ardent fans. But I have some great friends who are NASCAR team owners'”

A measure to legalize the recreational use of marijuana has qualified for the Colorado ballot this November. Insert “Rocky Mountain High” joke here.

Newark Airport temporarily closed tonight for an emergency landing and a disabled plane blocking a runway. The airport reopened with delays of up to an hour. No compensation for passengers, because hey, stuff happens. But try telling an airline you got stuck in traffic and missed your flight..

Fantasyland?

January 26, 2012

While campaigning in Florida, GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney said that Barack Obama’s SOTU address was “detached from reality.” Only in America can a man who makes $10,000 bets in a debate, and talks about being unemployed while making $21 million a year, accuse someone else about being “detached from reality.”

In Florida, Newt Gingrich said today that as President he would make sure the U.S. has a permanent moon base by the end of his second term. What’s more of a pipe dream? A base on the moon? Or a Gingrich second term?

(Alex Schubert says “a Gingrich first term?”)

Frank McCourt has indicated he has already received over 20 bids, many of them with multiple potential investors, for the Los Angeles Dodgers. At this point the team may have more potential buyers than they have fans in the stands after the 7th inning.

In a January 14 conversation with a friend wiretapped by Italian authorities, Costa Concordia Captain Schettino says, “I don’t ever want to go back on ship.” I think that can be arranged.

Costa Captain Schettino’s wife apparently is standing by her man and defending him in an interview she gave to the magazine “Paris Match.” Sounds like someone got the number of Kobe Bryant’s jeweler.

Terrell Owens said in a GQ interview that he’s nearly broke and “in Hell.” And the worst thing – there’s no quarterback he can currently blame it on.

One thing that bothers many Americans about Mitt Romney’s tax returns is with the investment income he is now making all that money while currently doing nothing productive. Sort of like Barry Zito.

Tim Lincecum signed with the SF Giants for $40.50 million for two years. Which means two years from now the Giants will either be idiots for not having locked him up longer, or brilliant for not getting into another Zito-like contract.

Michele Bachmann announced today she will seek re-election to the House. And it was Jon Stewart’s turn to Tebow.

Newt Gingrich told an interviewer for the Christian Broadcasting Network that Evangelicals like him because his affairs make him “more normal than somebody who wanders around seeming perfect.” And Bill Clinton said “Why didn’t I think of that?”

In his response to the State of the Union, Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels complained about Obama’s wasteful spending. Guess he feels the President hasn’t done enough to reverse the deficit explosion from George W.’s administration, when Bush’s budget director was… Mitch Daniels.

State of the Union?

January 25, 2012

President Obama’s speech tonight was very realistic in one regard. While he returned to the theme of Washington being broken, he offered no over-optimistic plans to fix the Wizards and Redskins.


Another post State of the Union thought. President Obama was much more civil to the GOP than Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney are to each other.

And there’s some progress in the U.S.A after all. Watching the State of the Union reminds me that we now actually have both a President and a Speaker of the House who are men of color.

Mitt Romney released his tax returns showing he will pay $6.2 million on income of over $42.5 million over the last two years. For a rate of 13.9% in 2010, and 15.4% in 2011. Well, gosh, with that kind of rate hike in 2011 I can see why Mitt thinks he needs a tax cut.

Oscar nominations announced today. And all these politicians who disavow all knowledge of what their Super PACs are up to were somehow shut out of the “Best Actor Category.”


Wonder if the Razzies will give a special award for “I fell into the lifeboat.”

San Francisco Sheriff Ross Mirkarimi stated today that he will not take a leave of absence even though he has been charged with domestic violence – saying ““I will make sure, as I have been doing, (to) attend to the needs of the department.” At least he didn’t say he was a fighter.

The Raiders have announced the hiring Dennis Allen as their new coach. Since he’s going to be their 10th head coach since 1995, shouldn’t they refer to him as their “interim head coach?”

Costa Cruise Lines has offered passengers booked on future sailings of the Concordia a refund and a 30% discount on a future cruise. No exact word on the timeline for the discount. Which might matter as for several passengers no doubt they are thinking “when hell freezes over.”

Oregon football coach Chip Kelly turned down the head coaching position with Tampa Bay, in order to stay with the Ducks. Guess even with all his self-confidence, Kelly didn’t think he could turn the Buccaneers into BCS contenders.

The Indianapolis Colts are reportedly talking to 49ers Special Teams’ coach Brad Seeley. San Francisco is reportedly ready to let Seeley go, if he takes Kyle Williams with him.


From T.C. SF punt returner Kyle Williams has been invited by all 4 NY area NHL teams to drop the puck at their next home game.

Elizabeth Warren on the Daily Show in New York said the Patriots were going to “spank” the Giants in the Super Bowl. When asked by Jon Stewart, aren’t you supposed to waffle and say how much you respect the New York Giants, she responded “But I don’t.” Not a Patriots fan, but “You Go Girl!”

In the South Carolina presidential primary, apparently 953 ballots were turned in that belonged to dead people. Said Chicagoans – “Amateurs!”

Well, the SF Giants may not have signed any great hitters in the offseason. On the other hand, two of the best have gone to the AL. (Fielder and Pujols.) Does increase the likelihood of 2-1 wins over St. Louis and Milwaukee.

Less than a week away from Super Bowl media day in Indianapolis. Just waiting for the first reporter to ask this year “Do you think the weather will be a factor?”

Worst thing about the 49ers not making the Super Bowl. Not getting to hear Jim Harbaugh at Media Day. Especially after this response at a Monday press conference “Is it just California that everybody just wants to know how you feel? Care about what you thought, what you did, how you felt, how your pinky feels. Is that just a California thing? Back where I come from, nobody really cares.”

Winning?

January 24, 2012

Mitt Romney says Gingrich is “erratic,” Newt Gingrich says Romney “can’t be trusted.” Who’s winning? President Obama.


Costa and their so-to-be-ex Captain are going at each other hot and heavy in the media as to assigning blame for the crash and sinking of the Concordia. Will the famous term for buck-passing be updated to “throwing someone under the cruise ship?”

Who knew? The true MVP of the 2011 49ers might have been Ted Ginn. Jr.

Open note to all spammers. Work on spelling. Doesn’t exactly inspire fear in your targets when they get an email supposedly from Paypal titled “account suspended, for your proection (sic).

A rumor going around about Ryan Braun is that he says his failed drug test is the result of his taking medication for an STD. (Herpes.) Not that I want to impugn anyone’s good name unnecessarily but considering the number of children along with the reputations pro-athletes have…. does anyone really think he’s the only one taking such medication?

Or to put it another way, if meds for an STD made you test positive for PED’s, wouldn’t we have a lot more players on the 50 day shelf?

All these folks ragging on Steven Tyler for his lousy rendition of the National Anthem. It could have been MUCH more painful to watch – Tyler could have had a wardrobe malfunction.

Kia Motors said it is recalling 145,755 cars in the United States because of potentially faulty driver airbags. Wow. Kia has sold over 145,000 cars in the U.S?

Two part joke with my comedy writer friend Paul Seaburn, who wrote the first joke below:

“India’s government wants an apology from Jay Leno for a joke where he said that the Golden Temple, which is India’s holiest shrine, could be Mitt Romney’s summer home. Romney wants an apology too for putting the idea into his wife’s head.

My following joke. Wonder how long until we see a Leno joke about Britain’s crown jewels upsetting Newt Gingrich for the same reason.

Chicago White Sox owner Jerry Reinsdorf on his former manager – “Regarding Ozzie Guillen’s departure last September, I want to make it clear that he left with our organization’s blessing.” Translate, Reinsdorf told Ozzie, don’t let the clubhouse door hit you in the “behind.”

Quote of the night on “the Bachelor” from model Courtney ” “I’m a nice person, don’t f*ck with me.”

Royal Caribbean sent a long email to past guests reassuring them on the cruise lines safety procedures and even including links to videos on the subject. Here’s a simpler idea – just send out an email “Our captains don’t joyride.”

Rick Santorum’s spokesman said Mitt Romney called him to “concede victory” in Iowa. But Romney’s spokeswoman said his campaign didn’t concede, that “Gov. Romney (just) called Sen. Santorum to congratulate him on the Iowa results.” Can’t imagine where politicians get the reputation for doublespeak.

Sarah Palin said that Chris Christie’s comment that Newt Gringrich was becoming an embarrassment “was reflective of a lack of self-discipline.” Well, if anyone is an expert on a lack of self-discipline….

Sarah Palin also said of New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie that he got his “panties in a wad.” Sarah, really? Is that the visual you want to inflict upon the world?

A new study published online by the New England Journal of Medicine finds that some people are allergic to cold. “See, I just cheated on Hillary for my health.” said Bill Clinton.”

That sinking feeling.

January 20, 2012

Thirty minutes after the Costa Concordia hit the rocks, the captain is heard insisting that his cruise ship only had a blackout. That’s like Captain John Smith saying “it was only a little ice.”

According to an Italian newspaper, Costa Concordia Captain Schettino said to a judge that he miscalculated when steering the ship close to the island of Giglio to perform a sail-past salute to people onshore. But added “I’m a victim of my own kindness.” “A victim of his own kindness? I like “fell into the lifeboat” better.

As my friend Alex Schubert says, “He miscalculated steering a ship, but he somehow managed to make a dead on calculation when taking a giant plunge into a tiny lifeboat.”

The story now is that the married 52 year old captain was drinking wine a dinner with a 25 year old blonde dancer, less than an hour before he put the ship on the rocks. Really? This guy wasn’t acting like a captain, he was acting like a future U.S. Presidential candidate.

Let’s hope it doesn’t come out that the Captain called Rick Perry to ask the three things he should do in the event of a crash.

Now the National Enquirer is reported that Khloe Kardashian’s father is O.J. Simpson. You know what this story coming out means? Ratings for their television show must be falling.

All this talk about the potential damage that may come from Marianne Gingrich’s statement that Newt wanted an open marriage…. Did we forget that Americans elected Bill Clinton President twice?

A 65 year old lawyer was arrested with a loaded handgun in her carryon as she boarded a flight at DFW Airport. Reportedly she “forgot” about the gun. TSA apparently saw the weapon but didn’t stop the woman so flights were delayed until they were able to find her. In TSA’s defense, they got everyone immediately with those illegal water bottles.

So Rick Perry, another candidate who claimed God told him to run is out of the GOP Presidential race. Appears that God has recently lost interest in politics and American football.

One of the hardest things to understand about Newt Gingrich and his affairs…. that there are actually three women who wanted to sleep with him.

The latest vote count out of Iowa shows Rick Santorum winning by 34 votes, but GOP officials call it a “split decision.” Who was running these caucuses? The BCS?

When told of Perry’s exit from the race, Mitt Romney said “We’re gonna miss him.” “Not half as much as we will”, responded Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert.

Eastman Kodak has filed for bankruptcy. At one point the company was so iconic that their Kodachrome film was immortalized in a Paul Simon song. Said most under 30s – “What’s Kodachrome?” Said most under 20s – “What’s film?”

Marianne Gingrich did an interview with ABC where she lambastes Newt for cheating on her with his future third wife. Right, as opposed to the cheating he did with Marianne on his first wife.

Marianne Gingrich also said that Newt wanted an “open marriage.” Is the timing of this interview a shameless push for Bill Clinton’s endorsement.

Most unfortunate thing about tonight’s Lakers-Heat game? Someone had to win.

A 65 year old lawyer was arrested with a loaded handgun in her carry-on as she boarded a flight at DFW Airport. Reportedly she “forgot” about the gun. TSA apparently saw the weapon but didn’t stop the woman so flights were delayed until they were able to find her. In TSA’s defense, they got everyone immediately with those illegal water bottles.

(and well, years ago Ann Richards did speak out about the concealed weapons law in Texas, which proponents said was for women’s protection, saying she didn’t presume to speak for all Texas women, but she didn’t think “most of us could find a gun in our purse”)

Slip sliding away….

January 19, 2012

(The Carnival- Costa theme song?)

Poor Joe Biden. All these reported GOP speaking gaffes must have him missing the spotlight. Or at least that’s one explanation why he told San Francisco Democrats in a private fundraiser today that “the Giants are on their way to the Super Bowl.

Actually posted this on Facebook last morning before Biden’s speech: You might be a S.F. bandwagon fan if….. You say you are excited about the Giants game this weekend but admit you hadn’t thought the Giants started playing until April.

The Captain of the Concordia now said he fell into the lifeboat. I think I like I cheated on my wife because of “how passionately I felt about this country” better.

The NY Post may not usually appear on the list of America’s top papers. But they do win the prize so far for the best headline on the Costa Concordia disaster- a picture of the captain on the front page of their paper edition with the caption “Chicken of the Sea.”

Wonder if Captain Francesco Schettino has had time to change his Facebook status? Presumably from “At the helm of the Costa Concordia about to impress passengers with a beautiful island view,” to “It’s complicated.”


And watching the television shots of the Concordia on its side with the deck steeply sloped towards the ocean, have to wonder if parent company Carnival will reconsider those ads of the “longest, fastest, waterslide” at sea.

True fact: The Costa Concordia is a sister ship to Carnival’s Splendor. All of a sudden being adrift for three days off the coast of Mexico (which happened to the Splendor in 2010), doesn’t seem so bad.

From my friend Jerry Perisho, “A member of the Italian Coast Guard told the captain of that cruise ship, who had already abandoned ship, “Get on board, dammit” That, of course, is the same message the Romney campaign team is screaming at Republican voters.”

Now that Yu Darvish has signed with the Rangers, many of us have a whole new reason to look forward to interleague play. If Darvish can handle a bat or work a walk it means we can hear the announcer say “Yu’s on first.”

Darvish’s name is actually pronounced “You duhr-veesh.” So will he be known to U.S. fans as a “Hurling Darvish?”

Mitt Romney is having a tough few days talking about his 15% tax rate and making “only” about $375,000 a year from public speaking. I miss Ann Richards, who would no doubt be proclaiming “Poor Mitt, he was born with a platinum foot in his mouth.”

Newt Gingrich has announced he pays a 31% percent tax rate, and is worth only about $6.7 million, much less than Mitt Romney. Wonder how much of that difference is Callista’s jewelry?

Despite his positive PED test Ryan Braun will accept his NL MVP award at a banquet Saturday. Braun’s spokesman said “there are highly unusual circumstances surrounding this case which will support Ryan’s complete innocence.” Of course, aren’t there always?

My friend Karen wondered if he tripped and fell into a needle?

Rob Lowe apparently tweeted that Peyton Manning is retiring. Could be true, or maybe Peyton is just floating a trial balloon to keep something awful from happening, like being traded to the Redskins.

Some unfortunate stories of Saints fans being treated badly at Candlestick Park during the SF-New Orleans game. Well, this sort of harassment probably won’t happen if the team moves to expensive new digs in Santa Clara. The local folks who can afford tickets probably will be too busy with their cellphones.

From Bill Littlejohn: It’s getting down to the wire for arbitration between Tim Lincecum and the San Francisco Giants. Lincecum demanded a Giants team batting average of .280 in arbitration—the Giants countered with .240″

When we hope the Lights Don’t Go Down in the City.

January 16, 2012

The 49ers get another playoff home game, which should be at night. Will ticket holders be asked to bring flashlights?

Lakers 73, Dallas 70? Or was that score left over from a Baylor football game?

How long until we start seeing Costa Concordia cocktails? Presumably something Italian on the rocks, with a lot of water.


And ah, perspective. Micky Arison, the owner of the Miami Heat, is also the CEO and majority owner of Carnival Cruise Lines, parent company of Costa. Last week if you asked him he might have said the biggest disaster he’d seen this year was Lebron’s performance in the NBA finals.


George Clooney won a Golden Globes award for “The Descendants.” Probably because as unlikely as it seemed, he actually gave a believable performance as a man a woman might actually cheat on.

Stephen Colbert, taking Mitt Romney’s “corporations are people” to its logical conclusion, now has a satiric commercial saying that Romney’s time doing leveraged buyouts makes him a serial killer. Wonder how long it will take President Obama to beg Colbert to run in more GOP primaries.

South Carolina’s leading newspaper endorsed Jon Huntsman, saying that of the “two sensible, experienced grownups in the race, he was “more principled, has a far more impressive resume and offers a significantly more important message.” So, of course after that Huntsman knew he has no chance and had to quit.

Whose endorsement was less enthusiastic? John Elway’s saying Tebow is next year’s Broncos starter? Or Jon Huntsman saying Mitt Romney is now the GOP’s best Presidential candidate?


Marc Ragovin’s take on Jon’s Huntsman’s throwing his support to Mitt Romney. That is like the Cubs having “Go Yankees” night.

Who’d a thunk it. Alex Smith this past weekend gave his best Aaron Rodgers impersonation, while Aaron Rodgers gave his best Alex Smith impersonation.

Rick Perry last weekend compared himself to Moses. And a voice from the heavens boomed down “I knew Moses, Moses was a friend of mine, Governor, you’re no Moses.”

Another in the long line of “you cannot make this ‘stuff’ up” items: Georgia Republican state Rep. Kip Smith, the sponsor of a bill that would “require random drug testing” for citizens on public assistance, was arrested early Friday morning in an Atlanta suburb and charged with DUI.

A man in Southern California have arrested a man who they say added chemicals into his wife’s Rice Krispies cereal last week in attempt to kill her. What, as opposed to the chemicals already in the cereal?

From my friend Alex Kaseberg: “Tim Tebow had a feeling he was in for a rough game against the Pats. When he prayed before the game, God told Tebow to take the Pats and give the 14.5 points.”