Posted tagged ‘Costa Concordia jokes’

Can you hear me now?

February 12, 2015

Kanye West told Ryan Seacrest that “voices in my head” told him to go on stage at the Grammys and rant against Beck. How come these “voices’ in people’s heads never tell them to sit down and shut up?

Ice is being trucked into Levi’s Stadium for an outdoor NHL game between the San Jose Sharks and LA Kings, Feb 21. So for one night the place will be almost as cold as the last meeting between Jim Harbaugh and Jed York.

Jerry Tarkanian, 84, has passed away. Out of habit the NCAA has launched an investigation.

In France, “Fifty Shades Of Grey” has been given the second lowest age rating, so children 12 and up will be able to see the film in theaters. In related news, millions of American kids have suddenly asked their parents about a family spring break in Paris.

U.S. Little League champions Jackie Robinson West have been stripped of their wins for cheating. Alas, looks like these kids (or at least their parents and coaches)  are indeed ready for the big leagues.

Oregon’s governor John Kitzhaber is facing calls for his resignation over him using his fiancee as an advisor, and paying her $118,000. And in Illinois and Louisiana they’re sniffing “Amateurs!”

A young woman who was hired at a Texas pizza restaurant tweeted out “Ew I start this **** *** job tomorrow.” When another employee saw it, he told the owner who tweeted back “And….no you don’t start that ** job today! I just fired you! Good luck with your no money, no job life!” Ah for the good old days when to be that foolishly indiscreet you had to have someone actually overhear your complaining. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

NBA analyst Greg Anthony has a plea deal where his soliciting prostitution charge will be dropped in exchange for 32 hours of community service and stays out of trouble for four months.” Four months. Hmm. Might be good news for escort services working the NBA finals.

 

Montana State Rep David Moore today introduced a bill to expand the state’s indecent exposure rule to include both male and female nipple exposure, and  “any device, costume, or covering that gives the appearance of or simulates the genitals, pubic hair, anus region, or pubic hair region.” Moore added “Yoga pants should be illegal in public anyway.” Just guessing this is a man who never wants to take his family on vacation to Florida.

Picked up a little pot of tulips. Small stick with care instructions in the soil. Ending with “For decoration only. Do not consume.” And they assume anyone dumb enough to eat tulips is smart enough to read instructions? ‪#‎cantfixstupid

Three “contestants” from Juan Pablo Galavis’s 2013 stint on “The Bachelor” have gotten engaged or married since the show was over. Well, the “reality” show probably did perform those women a service. After time with Juan Pablo, most other men look pretty good by comparison.

The Costa Concordia captain was sentenced today to 16 years. Only 6 months for each life that was lost.   But some satisfaction for victims’ families at least in knowing he will be “pushed into” a cell.

 

From Chaunce Ball.  “Have to admire Bruce Jenner’s timing. He waited to start the transition until he was too old to go through menopause.”

Based not in tranquility

July 20, 2014

Sunday was the 45th anniversary of Apollo 11’s landing on the moon. If it happened on Obama’s watch have to wonder what the Republican reaction would be…. Maybe a Congressional investigation for demonstrating American weakness by not focusing on our enemies on this planet? If the GOP said they believed the footage at all.

Really? Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have spent $500,000 to hire a baby body double to protect their daughter North from photographers. Guess they don’t want anyone exploiting pictures of the child for money. Except her parents.

 

 

Equal gender opportunity “Crooks are Stupid” item: An Illinois woman posted pictures of herself on Facebook wearing a distinctive new dress. Police investigating a theft from a local boutique promptly arrested her as the dress was one of the items stolen.

In the summer, the London Zoo has “Zoo Lates” on Friday nights, fund-raising events which feature music and beer tents. Last Friday apparently a man poured beer over a tiger. Sadly as far as fundraising,  the tiger was not able to climb out of its enclosure and reduce the Zoo’s food bill.

Singapore Airlines is apologizing to people who thought their recent tweet was insensitive. “Customers may wish to note that Singapore Airlines flights are not using Ukraine airspace.” And yes, maybe a tweet wasn’t the way to do it. But have to wonder how many calls airlines are now getting about their Europe to Asia routes.

 

Two pigeons made it into Rogers Centre for the Toronto Blue Jays -Texas Rangers game. Had the pigeons been at Marlins Park today, Miami would have no doubt counted them to boost the supposed attendance..

Bad news for ESPN. Tiger Woods had one of his worst Briish Opens ever. Good news for ESPN. At least most casual golf fans recognized winner Rory McIlroy’s name.

 

(of course, had McIlroy’s breakup with tennis star Caroline Wozniack just  involved a few waitresses and a mid night flight involving police, who knows what the ratings might have been.?)

The Costa Concordia is upright and will be on its way to Genoa. The Concordia’s interior of the ship is kind of a mess after being underwater for over 2 years. But it would probably be unfair to compare conditions to being aboard a Carnival Cruise ship.

 

 

 

New Zealand’s Jack Bauer almost won a Tour de France stage but was overtaken at the end by Norway’s Alexander Kristoff . Presumably the last minute ending took place at 7:59.37 pm?

 

SNL won the Television Critics Association’s Heritage Award Sunday . “Heritage” as in ancient history for being funny?

 

 

 

Controversy now as New York City approved a new development by the Hudson River where affordable housing tenants will have to enter by a “poor door,” when regular tenants can use the main entrance. So while we’re at it, what about two doors for those paying higher prices, one for those who earned their money, and one for those who inherited it.

Crashing and burning.

March 4, 2012

The Costa Concordia wasn’t Captain Schettino’s first mishap. He also crashed a second cruise ship in 2010 resulting in minor damage while entering a German port. If Schettino can somehow avoid jail, wonder if he’ll be offered a job with the GoDaddy.com racing team.

Wonder how many folks will be turning into this week’s Nascar race, not in hopes of watching two cars crash into each other. But in hopes of watching another fuel truck flambee.

A 26 year old Florida teacher was arrested and charged with “unlawful sexual activity” with a minor after a 16 year old boy told police they were in love and had had sex in her car. Records showed that the pair had traded more than 12,000 text messages in 4 months. On the bright side, sounds like the kid definitely has learned how to read and write.

Guess Bobby Valentine wanted to make a statement. Boston beat D3 Northeastern University in baseball today 25-0. Following the game the Red Sox were made honorary SEC football boosters.

In the “cheer up it could be worse category”, example A this week has to be the New Orleans Saints. A couple days ago the biggest embarrassment the team was facing was not being able to work out a contract extension with Drew Brees.

(adds my friend Michael Duca, “Brees should look on the bright side – they could have put a bounty on him.”)

On the first day after the United-Continental merger was finalized, reportedly 16% of United flights were on time Saturday from O’Hare airport. Normally when people are this frustrated in Chicago, the Cubs are involved.

The New York Knicks are apparently so excited about the way that they are playing lately that they had a meeting with a doctor to talk about ways to combat insomnia. Presumably the doctor suggested things like warm milk, counting sheep, and watching tapes of the Charlotte Bobcats games.

Rush Limbaugh has now apologized for calling Sandra Fluke a “slut.” Saying “I did not mean a personal attack on Ms. Fluke.” Uh, if Rush doesn’t think “slut” is a personal attack, starting to understand why his marriages have lasted as long as Mitt Romney’s positions.

Am wondering where Sarah Palin was on this one. Since she was so upset about personal attacks on her daughter as an unwed mother… Or is it only off-limits for the media to go after Republican young women who have pre-marital sex?

Rush Limbaugh is referring to Claire McCaskell as a “commie babe liberal.” Hey, that wouldn’t make a bad t-shirt.

Nothing can go wrong… More in the United merger department: Client flying SF to JFK March 4 got “You have received this notification because the first flight in your upcoming UA itinerary is operated by TAM and/or its partners. To check in for this trip, please proceed to TAM’s website or their check-in area at the airport” (TAM only flies to and within Brazil.. and not to SF at all.)

Former San Jose coach Ron Wilson was just fired by the Toronto Maple Leafs after a 1-9-1 stretch. Or as Sharks fans call that, having the team in his playoff form.

“The Lorax” has pulled in over $17 million this weekend. Wonder how much of that was people piling into their SUVs and driving to see the movie in giant multiplexes?.

Spring training games start today. Guess that means we’re watching for the little furry thing who lives in Brian Wilson’s beard to pop out and see if he sees his shadow.

This may only make sense to San Francisco Bay Area readers…But it’s a good day in the San Francisco area when you turn on the radio, and, surprise, it’s Kruk and Kuip on the radio again calling a Giants game.

Winning?

January 24, 2012

Mitt Romney says Gingrich is “erratic,” Newt Gingrich says Romney “can’t be trusted.” Who’s winning? President Obama.


Costa and their so-to-be-ex Captain are going at each other hot and heavy in the media as to assigning blame for the crash and sinking of the Concordia. Will the famous term for buck-passing be updated to “throwing someone under the cruise ship?”

Who knew? The true MVP of the 2011 49ers might have been Ted Ginn. Jr.

Open note to all spammers. Work on spelling. Doesn’t exactly inspire fear in your targets when they get an email supposedly from Paypal titled “account suspended, for your proection (sic).

A rumor going around about Ryan Braun is that he says his failed drug test is the result of his taking medication for an STD. (Herpes.) Not that I want to impugn anyone’s good name unnecessarily but considering the number of children along with the reputations pro-athletes have…. does anyone really think he’s the only one taking such medication?

Or to put it another way, if meds for an STD made you test positive for PED’s, wouldn’t we have a lot more players on the 50 day shelf?

All these folks ragging on Steven Tyler for his lousy rendition of the National Anthem. It could have been MUCH more painful to watch – Tyler could have had a wardrobe malfunction.

Kia Motors said it is recalling 145,755 cars in the United States because of potentially faulty driver airbags. Wow. Kia has sold over 145,000 cars in the U.S?

Two part joke with my comedy writer friend Paul Seaburn, who wrote the first joke below:

“India’s government wants an apology from Jay Leno for a joke where he said that the Golden Temple, which is India’s holiest shrine, could be Mitt Romney’s summer home. Romney wants an apology too for putting the idea into his wife’s head.

My following joke. Wonder how long until we see a Leno joke about Britain’s crown jewels upsetting Newt Gingrich for the same reason.

Chicago White Sox owner Jerry Reinsdorf on his former manager – “Regarding Ozzie Guillen’s departure last September, I want to make it clear that he left with our organization’s blessing.” Translate, Reinsdorf told Ozzie, don’t let the clubhouse door hit you in the “behind.”

Quote of the night on “the Bachelor” from model Courtney ” “I’m a nice person, don’t f*ck with me.”

Royal Caribbean sent a long email to past guests reassuring them on the cruise lines safety procedures and even including links to videos on the subject. Here’s a simpler idea – just send out an email “Our captains don’t joyride.”

Rick Santorum’s spokesman said Mitt Romney called him to “concede victory” in Iowa. But Romney’s spokeswoman said his campaign didn’t concede, that “Gov. Romney (just) called Sen. Santorum to congratulate him on the Iowa results.” Can’t imagine where politicians get the reputation for doublespeak.

Sarah Palin said that Chris Christie’s comment that Newt Gringrich was becoming an embarrassment “was reflective of a lack of self-discipline.” Well, if anyone is an expert on a lack of self-discipline….

Sarah Palin also said of New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie that he got his “panties in a wad.” Sarah, really? Is that the visual you want to inflict upon the world?

A new study published online by the New England Journal of Medicine finds that some people are allergic to cold. “See, I just cheated on Hillary for my health.” said Bill Clinton.”

He was, Penn State.

January 23, 2012

R.I.P. Joe Paterno – For his sake it was a shame the cancer didn’t kill him six months earlier. And remembering this Edmund Burke quote -“All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.”

The cancer killed Paterno so quickly, you have to wonder, was part of the problem that he waited too long to report the symptoms?

Jerry Sandusky’s statement on the passing of Joe Paterno: “This is a sad day!” Yes, agreed, sad that the passing wasn’t Sandusky’s

Kyle Wlliams has now joined Tim Tebow as one of those rare players who can get 60,000 plus fans on their feet screaming “Jesus Christ!”

Weather was so bad at Candlestick fans expected to see a baseball game break out.


Alex Smith picked a bad time to start looking like Alex Smith.

The worst thing about a Boston-New York Super Bowl. It will give ESPN an easy excuse again to start talking about the Red Sox-Yankees.

Kyle Williams will never have to buy himself a drink in New York again.

Baltimore fans watching that last drive? “tell me truly, I implore — Is there — is there balm in Gilette? — tell me — tell me, I implore!” Quoth the Ravens “Nevermore.”

In accepting his MVP award, Ryan Braun said “we all deal with challenges we never expected to endure.” Wonder if that translates to “damn guy TOLD me the stuff was undetectable.”

John Boehner is already referring to President Obama’s Tuesday State of the Union speech as “pathetic.” Presume he’s also already ordered the crying towels?

Gabby Giffords has announced she is retiring from Congress effective Monday. Wish her all the best, and clearly Giffords needs to do what is best for her health. But she is already more articulate than many of her fellow Congresspeople.

Simon Cowell has apparently called off his engagement to long-time girlfriend Mezhgan Hussainy. Poor Simon, looks like he’s never going to find anyone he loves as much as he loves himself..

The Discovery Channel announced Saturday yesterday that they will air a documentary on the Costa Concordia crash this spring. So congratulations to all those who had “seven days” in the pool.

Regarding Steven Tyler’s rendition of the National Anthem -Objectively, he wouldn’t have even given himself a ticket to Hollywood.

Oregon head coach Chip Kelly is apparently talking to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers about their head coaching vacancy. Wonder if that means that NCAA investigation into the Ducks’ recruiting program is more serious than we thought.

An Italian rescue official now says there is a possibility that “unregistered” passengers (i.e. stowaways) may have been aboard the Costa Concordia. And we thought our TSA was sloppy.

Your bailout money at work: Goldman Sachs investment banker Jeffrey Verschleiser has been sued from illegally profiting from bad mortgages at Bear Stearns before the firm’s collapse. But now he’s apparently spending over $1 million to take over an entire Aspen hotel for four days for his daughter’s bat mitzah. Even Mitt Romney is saying “How tone deaf can you be?”

A South Carolina close call?

January 22, 2012

Which sank quicker this week – the Costa Concordia, or Mitt Romney’s Presidential hopes?

How angry was Mitt Romney after tonight’s loss? Rumor has it he went home and actually thought about kicking the dog strapped to the roof of his car.

Sarah Palin now says Newt Gingrich is the new Republican “front-runner.” Is she angling for another spot on the ticket? Democrats are Tebowing at the idea.

No wonder Herman Cain had to drop out of the Presidential race. He didn’t marry enough of the women he had affairs with….

Mitt Romney is now calling on Newt Gingrich today to release those Freddie Mac reports he wrote for $1.6 million in consulting fees. This millionaire on multi-millionaire class warfare is really getting out of hand.

The question of the night in South Carolina. Who looks more lifelike? Mitt Romney or Callista Gingrich?

A couple headlines this morning screamed “Newt on fire.” And all I can think was “Did one of his ex-wives set it?

The NBA admitted today that officials made a mistake Friday in not calling a kicked-ball violation that resulted in the Warriors’ losing’ 94-91 loss to the Pacers. Bummer, this could mean Golden State ends up only winning 12 instead of 13 games this year.

All kinds of rumors about the death or near-death of Joe Paterno. Not excusing the coach’s behavior in the Sandusky affair, but will say that of all the scumbags at Penn State, Joe-Pa actually had some history of good behavior on his side.

The real winner of the South Carolina GOP primary tonight? Just might be Barack Obama.

Syracuse star Fab Melo didn’t travel with the team to Notre Dame. According to ESPN it was because of an “unresolved academic issue from the fall semester.” When asked which class caused the issue, wonder if Melo responded “Class?”

You cannot make this “stuff” up dept for the day: Keith Ablow, a psychiatrist working for Fox News, said that Newt’s affairs might make him a better president, saying three women wanting to marry him was proof of his appeal, and that “Gingrich’s way of telling his wives the ‘incredibly painful truths’ that he no longer loved them and was leaving them for other women could mean that he would be equally, brutally direct with America about whatever issues he had with the entire country.”

Gary M’s comment about the young blonde dancer who was seen dining and drinking with the Costa captain the night the ship sank, and her “denying rumors they were romantically involved…”

“He merely tripped and fell on top of her. Repeatedly.”

Well, at least Tebow…

January 15, 2012

Now has plenty of time to go to church on Sundays.

The Saints lost in a thriller, Tebow and the Broncos got pounded. Maybe God decided to watch the NBA instead this weekend.

Quote before yesterday’s 49ers-Saints playoff game, from Tara VanDerveer via Scott Ostler “All the great ones have a screw loose.” (This actually may describe both Harbaugh and Payton.)

Texas Gov. Rick Perry and Newt Gingrich are appealing not being on the Virginia ballot after both of them failed to get enough signatures to qualify. My thought, if you’re not smart enough to count the right number of signatures, you aren’t nearly smart enough to run for President.

Vice President, maybe.

A $170 million failed Russian space probe will fall down to earth today, only about 2 months after it was launched towards a moon of Mars. Could be the most expensive crash landing since Rick Perry’s presidential campaign.

John Bolton said that President Obama shouldn’t take credit for getting Bin Laden, saying “It’s because Navy Seal Team 6 killed Osama… It happened to occur during his presidency.” Ah, I get it, since he took office Obama is only responsible for everything bad that has happened.

Congrats to Jim Harbaugh for his gutsy call to throw for a game-winning touchdown last night. David Shaw would have gone for the tying field goal. (No, Stanford fans aren’t still bitter….Right.)

Not sure about the timing of this Alvin and the Chipmunks, Chipwrecked movie, with the Costa Concordia’s story. On the other hand some might think the only silver lining of a ship’s sinking might be potentially drowned Chipmunks.

More bad timing, while the capsized Costa cruise ship makes headlines, another major European headline is “More than 4,000 people in Belfast are vying to land one of 70 front of house staff jobs in the world’s largest Titanic visitor attraction.”

Open note to all Americans who take cruises to Mexico but are too scared to get off their cruise ships in port over exaggerated crime reports – the Carnival Splendor, the biggest ship sailing that route, is or rather was a sister ship to the Costa Concordia.

Another thought for cruise passengers – We may have seen the end of increasingly lax cruise lifeboat drills.