Posted tagged ‘United Airlines jokes’

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The odds are good but the odds are odd?

May 18, 2017

No joke, there’s actually a “Bachelorette Fantasy League” on ESPN. And if you are already signed up, you just might be in need of a life.

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United Airlines has purchased naming rights to the LA Memorial Coliseum for $75 million. Makes sense, rooting for USC is a real drag.

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Freddie Freeman, NL home-run leader, was hit by pitch and has fractured left wrist, will be out 2 months plus. Braves coming to AT&T Park next weekend, so SF Giants fans won’t get a chance to see him. Giants pitchers may not mind too much.

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Steve Kerr just followed Popovich in slamming Trump. Lebron campaigned w/ Hillary. “Failing NBA” tweets in 3.2.1…. #spurs #warriors #cavs

 

 

Blue Jays OF Kevin Pillar was upset that Jason Motte struck him out on a quick pitch, so he yelled an anti-gay slur at the Braves reliever. At this point Pillar should be suspended for a combination of inappropriate language AND stupidity.

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Trump may stop Sean Spicer’s daily press briefings. Can we start a GoFundMe campaign to have Melissa McCarthy do one in his place? @NBCSNL

 

If Trump really believes it’s a “witch hunt” perhaps he could do the test of jumping in Potomac to see if he sinks or not?

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“Biggest witch hunt in history” said man who for years was chasing a debunked birth certificate rumor.

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How long until Americans can legitimately be diagnosed with CTFS – Chronic Trump Fatigue Syndrome?

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A 42 year old man died yesterday after falling over a railing onto his head after a Cubs game at Wrigley Field. Sad. I suppose no need to include in the story that alcohol may have been involved.

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Suppose if I’m dead I won’t care. But it’s really sad that if I end up killed by a car driven by a legal resident of the US who is drunk or too old to drive, it would be a one-day story. Whereas if it was a Muslim or illegal immigrant I’d be a posthumous poster child.

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After  Times Square car crash today good to see Donald  Trump immediately demand more mental health $$ for vets. Oh, wait, never mind.

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Suspect in Times Square crash has at least  3 prior arrests, and possible “psychological problems.” Just the kind of guy whose rights the House was thinking about protecting when they overturned Obama gun law. #ifonlyhewasarmed

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Trump lies, Pence apparently lied about Flynn, Ryan could be complicit. This could be turning into real-life version of Designated Survivor.

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“If you can’t say anything nice about someone, don’t say anything at all.” Waiting for Roger Ailes blank page obituaries.

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Bill O’Reilly says of Roger Ailes that “hatred killed him.” Sexual harassment on other hand, is probably good for women’s health. #WTF?

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Really makes you feel old not just when music legend dies, but when you didn’t know his music AND he was younger than you. #ChrisCornell

 

If Trump REALLY thought Dems would be ok w/  Joe Lieberman as FBI director that’s actually scarier than if he wants Joe just to p*ss them off

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From Marc Ragovin,  “There is a movement brewing in New York to impeach the Mets bullpen.”

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Unboarding group one?

April 12, 2017

On a brighter note for Pepsi they do now stand a good chance of becoming official soft drink of United Airlines.

 

Bad timing award to the #United Airlines billboard near San Francisco International Airport  for POLARIS business class. “O is for out like a light”.

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United employee who kicked the girls off plane for wearing leggings has to be feeling better – “At least I didn’t drag them off.”

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Well, on a brighter note for United, their PR response to “re-accommodating” a passenger will probably reduce their overbooking problem.

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United spokesman Jonathan Guerin today said their infamous flight from O’Hare was not overbooked, but the crew members who were needed in Louisville the next day “were considered ‘must-ride’ passengers.”
Did United forget that almost every single one of their phone agents ends the call by offering “can we book you a Hertz car?”

 

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Buster Posey is on the 7 day concussion disabled list.  Ok. If an Diamondbacks pitcher had to put one of the SF Giants players on DL why couldn’t they have hit an outfielder? #notpence #bustohell

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Russell Westbrook sat out tonight’s Thunder-TWolves game, his first this season. So does this make him too soft for the MVP award?

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Coach Steve Fisher may have never won a championship at San Diego State. But @Spurs fans are very grateful to him & his recruiting.  (Kawhi Leonard, under-rated even in high school)
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Tuesday was #NationalPetDay. And cats are sniffing “Big deal, EVERY day is National Cat Day.”
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Waiting for this tweet – “The Trump shuttle never bumped anyone. But if they had, it would have been biggest best bumping ever.” #United
If Sean Spicer ever gets fired by Trump maybe he can do PR for United Airlines.

Holocaust centers? Hitler did not use gas on his own people? Somewhere Melissa McCarthy is going “I give up.” #SeanSpicer

 

 

Anyone considered that Sean Spicer may not get fired because the way he says things distracts us from what he and Trump actually mean?

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Sean Spicer  on his Hitler remark “It was a mistake to do that.” What, no blaming fake news?

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Syria is a mess. And not saying the missile strike in Syria was the right thing or the wrong thing. But can we imagine the reaction if Hillary had bombed the airfield because mother-of-two Chelsea was upset and pushed her to do it?

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Cue the Gershwin

April 10, 2017

New United Airlines theme song –   “Rhapsody in Black and blue.”

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FCC dropped a proposal that would have allowed passengers to use cellphones in flight. Who says there’s no bipartisan agreement in the US?

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Wintry weather tonight in Chicago. Blame whoever said hell would freeze over before they raised a championship banner at Wrigley. @Cubs

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Seriously considering long light-less history of #WrigleyField you’d think Cubs might honor history with a day home opener #followthemoney

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Over 100 year drought for a #Cubs World Series win. Thanks to TV scheduling and rain many kids will be in bed before that flag is raised.

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SF Giants Jarrett Parker has a batting average. You know it’s been bad when .071 (bingo) is an improvement. #SFGiants

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LB Junior Galette was arrested after a fight during a Spring Break festival in Biloxi, MS. He was charged with disorderly conduct and failure to comply.
Normally the Redskins wait until they get on the field to be this embarrassing.

 

Not that I really wish him any harm. But I sure don’t mind seeing Sergio Romo lose a game in a Dodgers uniform for a change.

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4 shot, 2 fatally in #SanBernandino school shooting. Not “terrorism” just average US domestic gun incident. Move along nothing to see here.

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An 8 yr-old boy shot this morning in a San Bernandino classroom has died. Clearly this would not happen if our children were armed.

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The biggest problem with all these murder-suicides is that these asshole killers always do it in the wrong order. #SanBernardino

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Alabama Gov. Robert Bentley resigned today after he was arrested on campaign finance charges. Moral of story, if you’re going to be a family values Republican, have affairs on your own dime. #DavidVitter

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Sean Spicer, “if you gas a baby, expect a response.” So other ways of killing babies are acceptable?

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The @NYTImes & @ProPublica both won a #PulitzerPrize. Standby for Pulitzers overrated tweets in 3.2.1….

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Bubba Watson apologized after missing the cut at the Masters and telling a reporter “Golf is tough; I don’t know if you’ve ever played it. But writing articles is easy.”
Nobody tell Trump, in his spare time he’ll start a magazine.

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Donald Trump Jr. has announced he will not run for NY governor in 2018. And he could have gotten at least 20% of the vote.

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Right about now it might be almost as easy to defend the Trump White House on MSNBC as to do PR for United.

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Did someone tell United the man was wearing leggings?

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So after weekend’s incident will United change policy on removing people from overbooked flights? Smaller people first. Easier to carry.

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New potential advertisement for the United credit card? Priority boarding, a free checked bag & we won’t drag you off the plane?

 

From “careerbliss.com” – O’Hare International Airport Security Officers earn $25,000 annually, or $12 per hour, which is 4% lower than the national average for all Security Officers at $26,000 annually and 84% lower than the national salary average for all working Americans.
An Airport Security Officer was apparently responsible for dragging that passenger off United’s flight. #yougetwhatyoupayfor

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Seriously, and I wasn’t there, but if United was giving $800 plus a hotel and meals to get off the plane, you’d think they’d have upped the ante and tossed in a rental car..
It’s a 5 hour drive for heavens sake, even with a bathroom break.

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I see a great Lyft or Uber commercial…. for $800 guessing you could get driven to Louisville.

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One more practical thought  -okay, any halfway decent travel agent knows something about Louisville. Especially if you’ve ever booked anyone to a certain Derby in Kentucky. It’s 90 minutes from Lexington and 2 hours from Cincinnati. (United flies to both from Chicago) So a relatively easy drive if you fly crew or passengers there. #MakeAmericaGeographicallyCompetentAgain.

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On the other hand, perhaps we should thank United. For a brief not-to-shining moment they have “united” Americans in outrage.

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We don’t need no stinking bats

January 21, 2016

Increasingly looking like the designated hitter will be a done deal in the 2017 season in the NL. Well, there’s talk of the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ renegotiating Bumgarner’s contract – wonder if besides a nice raise ‪#‎Madbum‬ will insist that HE can DH?

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So one of the reason MLB may be moving to a universal DH is the threat of injury to their star pitchers who don’t handle a bat well. Well, if that’s the rationale, why not add DRs – designated runners for stars who don’t move that well? ‪#‎wherewillitend‬? ‪#‎notrealbaseball‬

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Increasingly difficult for a comedy writer today to ‪#‎Trump‬ reality. Satire is ‪#‎Palin‬ by comparison.

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Former UConn and Portland Trail Blazers basketball player Cliff Robinson is opening a recreational marijuana dispensary in Oregon, saying there’s a “mis-perception that athletes and cannabis are incompatible.” Okay, “illegal”? Maybe. “Incompatible? – Not to anyone who’s been paying attention.’

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Herman Cain says he gets callers all the time who say “I am black, I’m female and I’m going from Democrat to Trump.” If true, maybe someone needs to send Cain a link to an Urban Dictionary – the page referring to “catfish.”

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Louisana consistently ranks as the state with the worst health in the nation. Now with new Governor John Bel Edwards accepting the ACA, the state health dept expects almost 450,000 patients to be added to Medicaid, including 300,000 previously uninsured. ‪#‎IblameObama‬

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In New Jersey, the assembly passed a bill last June with almost unanimous bipartisan support to prevent anyone convicted of gang activity, making terror threats or carjacking from buying or owning a gun in the state. This week, Chris Christie vetoed it.
And the formerly pro-gun control Governor expects us to believe he can stand up to our enemies? He can’t even stand up to the NRA.

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The Oscars boycott list grows, now Will Smith says he will not attend and Mark Ruffalo is thinking about it. If this keeps up they might actually get the show finished this year in under four hours.

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Wow. Bizjournals.com reports this from United Airlines’ Vice Chairman Jim Compton “We’ve come to recognize that completion factor — getting people from point A to B — is the most important metric.”
What was their first clue?

 

Eric Garcetti, L.A.’s mayor, said in talking about the Rams, that he would love to see the Chargers stay in San Diego, and the Raiders stay in Oakland. Translation, either Garcetti cares more about traffic than football, or he just might have ambitions for statewide office.

 

 

TSA said they found 2,653 guns last year at US airports, up 20% over last year, and more than 82% were loaded. Scary. What might be scarier is the possible number they didn’t find.

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Golden parachuting out of the Friendly Skies?

September 8, 2015

United Airlines has announced that Jeff Smisek has stepped down as CEO, chairman and president effective immediately. United says this is connected to a federal investigation.involving the Port Authority of NY and NJ.
“What a shame, the man has built such a wonderful airline” said absolutely positively no frequent travelers.

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And as the United scandal involves the Port Authority and New Jersey politics, Chris Christie may soon be wishing someone would ask him about Bridgegate.

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Tom Brady in a recent interview said that Deflategate was the “hardest time of his life.” I feel so sorry for him, said nobody outside New England.

(from my friend Alex Kaseberg – “I think it was tough. He aged so much he almost looks like his courtroom sketch.”)

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Apparently plenty of seats are still available for the Mayweather/Berto fight this weekend in Vegas, even though seats are much less expensive than the Mayweather-Pacquiao fight. I think this goes down under the “Fool me once….” category..

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Macy’s says they will close 35 to 40 under-performing stores. Responded most people under 30: “Macy’s has stores?”

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A record 10 teams from the SEC are in college football’s “Top 25” this week. So 10 of the 14 teams are ranked. If nothing else this should be a chance for many players to tackle higher math. . .

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Bryce Harper ripped Nationals fans who left in the 7th inning yesterday. And Dodgers’ players are thinking “In Los Angeles we call fans like that ‘diehards.’

(tonight, as the Nats blew a 7-1 run lead after 6, the fans are thinking “we’re smarter than Harper.”)

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Might be easier, at least faster, these days during the pre-game show to list the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ who AREN’T injured.

‪#‎TimHudson‬ was 2-3 today with a home run. So is he trying to throw down the gauntlet to ‪#‎MadisonBumgarner‬? ‪#‎SFGiants‬

SF Giants pitchers have hit 7 home runs this year.  Only three behind Pablo Sandoval.

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If this was Tim Hudson’s last start in ‪#‎MLB‬, great way to go out. ‪#‎SFGiants‬ ‪#‎classact‬

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Two Texas high school football players have been suspended for hitting a referee during a game Friday night. Waiting for someone to say this wouldn’t have happened if refs were armed.

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Chelsea Clinton, asked about a potential Kanye West run for President in 2020, said it could be “awesome.” Especially if she’s hoping that her mom is running for re-election.

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A judge has ordered Kim Davis released from jail, but told her not to interfere with the granting of licenses by her deputies. Thinking Davis might be too busy anyway to interfere anyway, with all her upcoming talk show and campaign appearances.

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Somehow with all the screaming about persecution and Christianity in this country, I seem to have missed all the calls from religious conservatives for the U.S. to take in at least the Christian Syrian refugees

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Technical issues?

July 8, 2015

Are we looking at the VP of Computer Operations at United Airlines or the NYSE?

 

 

 

johnnie

 

The Department of Homeland Security says ‘No signs of malicious activity’ in NYSE and United Airline computer crashes. Yeah, makes sense, terrorism is no match for good old-fashioned incompetence.

 

#‎DeAndreJordan‬ is now Brett Favre’s favorite NBA player.

 

San Antonio Spurs have to be sitting back and laughing at these emoji wars between the Clippers and Mavericks. Especially since they probably wooed LaMarcus Aldridge with smoke signals.

 

So ‪#‎NBA‬ schedule isn’t out yet, but just guessing ‪#‎Clippers‬ ‪#‎Mavericks‬ first 2015 matchup will be scheduled for national prime time television

 

You think while Clippers were hanging out at DeAndre  Jordan’s house maybe they could have given him some free throw lessons?

 

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A 58 year old Florida woman who was at the Dayton Coke Zero 400 told an interviewer THROUGH HER LAWYER, “I thought I was going to die when that car came flying right at me “The whole event was just terrifying. I am happy to be alive.”

The woman and her adult son, who say they do not have health insurance, were treated at the track, and not sent to the hospital. But they are now talking to medical specialists.. Their lawyer says they just want current and future medical costs taken care of….

Two words. Yeah. Right.

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So the All-Star Game Home Run Derby will now be timed, with five minutes per batter per round, but bonus time for hitting home runs over 420 or 475 feet. This isn’t a batting contest, it’s a video game.

 

 

Baseball trivia of the day: The St. Louis Cardinals have 26 comeback wins this year. The Philadelphia Phillies have 29 wins, period.

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Spanish-born celebrity chef Jose Andres is pulling out of a deal to open a restaurant in Donald Trump’s new D.C. hotel, saying that the Donald’s “recent statements disparaging immigrants make it impossible for my company and I to move forward…. More than of my team is Hispanic, as are many of our guests.”

Seriously, does Trump have delusions that he can go into ANY restaurant these days and count on a decent meal?

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Jimmy Carter. “I believe Jesus would approve gay marriage,” he said. “That’s just my own personal opinion.” Well, Jesus DID hang around with 12 disciples.

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Can we start subtitling the 4th of July “Darwin Day”?  #Fireworks

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Sigh, now it comes out that Tampa Bay CB C.J. Wilson may have lost two fingers in that fireworks accident. Just don’t get it. Aren’t you supposed to get someone in your posse to shoot off your illegal fireworks?

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So apparently when NY Giants officials flew to Florida to visit injured player Jason Pierre-Paul, they were not allowed into his hospital room. Clearly a cautionary move by the DE to keep the team from making quick decisions about his future. Were that he had been so cautious with the fireworks..

 

 

From T.C. , If C.J Wilson and Jason Pierre-Paul don’t resign with their current teams, they certainly won’t end up with Green Bay.  The Packers are still trying to recruit players for their onside kicks “all hands” teams..

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Check, please.

March 12, 2015

Apparently a payment is due this month for SF 49ers fans who bought PSL’s at Levi’s Stadium. After this month writing that check has to feel like paying alimony

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Will Ferrell today played for 10 teams in five games during Spring Training in Arizona, and played all nine positions. Who does he think he is? Bugs Bunny?

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Now that Will Ferrell, 47, has played during Spring Training for 10 teams in the Cactus League, some wonder if he might repeat the stunt for teams in Florida’s Grapefruit League. Probably not, as Ferrell is much too young for the Yankees.

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Rudy Giuliani is now blaming Obama and the “tone set by the President” for the McDonald’s brawl and the Ferguson shooting. He also said Obama should be “more like Bill Cosby.” Hey, wasn’t that Bill Clinton’s job?

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Cal DE Brennan Scarlett is transferring to Stanford for his final year and will play football for the Cardinal in 2015. And apparently his car was vandalized after news of the move broke. Well, at least Scarlett wasn’t transferring between SEC rivals… he might have been shot at.

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Disney has announced plans for a “Frozen 2”, albeit with no announced date for the movie’s release. Many parents are just hoping the sequel takes long enough to produce that their children will have gotten too old to want to see it again, and again, and again. ‪#‎letitgo‬

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And the hits just keep on coming. Today in the Aaron Hernandez trial, the former player was shown on his own surveillance video walking in his house with what looked like a Glock gun, minutes after Odin Lloyd was shot. Now you have to wonder how Hernandez ever was smart enough to learn the Patriots’ (and Gators’) playbooks.

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Jimmy Kimmel introduced President Obama as the “first Kenyan-born Muslim Socialist ever elected president.” And over at FOX they’re saying “Finally, someone in the liberal media admits it.”

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Darrelle Revis said he followed his heart to return to the NY Jets from the New England Patriots. And nothing says love like $39 million of a $70 million NFL contract guaranteed.

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Ah, those targeted ads. Was reading the story about the Canadian woman who was killed in Cabo when a whale breached and landed on her tour boat. And now I’m getting ads for United’s discount airfares to Cabo San Lucas.

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United Airlines has sent out an email to their elite members talking about an improved Premium Cabin experience that includes “enhanced” amenity kits. Maybe the kits, in addition to the usual socks, eye shade, moisturizer etc, now include a shoe horn so you can get into your seat when you travel economy?

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So the Hillary Clinton email controversy continues. But apparently she has not been the only one to combine government and personal communications. Will we next find out that John McCain used the same blanket to send both official and personal smoke signals?

 

 

 

 

From T.C.  “A picture of a massive alligator taken by a member of Florida’s Myakka Pines Golf Course has gone viral. The club’s Facebook page has generated thousands of hits a day. The club invites visitors play the course but reminds you that it’s 400 399 members have priority for times.”

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For whom the polls toll?

June 11, 2014

 

All you need to know about today’s Republican party. Eric Cantor just got knocked out in the GOP primary for being too moderate.

 

Eric Cantor’s team showed him with a 34 point lead over David Brat in late May. Yet another reason for the GOP to discount commie-pinko things like numbers

 

 

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75.8% shooting in the first half by #Spurs. I was watching an #NBAFinals game and an #NBA All Star game broke out

 

 

If someone who was watching their first NBA game tonight was told in advance that it would be an aging team of veterans against a younger team of super stars, assume they would have figured the kids were the Spurs?

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Proof that the World Cup isn’t that big a deal in the U.S.: Brazil’s time zone is only an hour ahead of Eastern Daylight time. But matches will be shown in real time, not tape-delayed and “plausibly live.”

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John Calipari turned down an $80 million, 10 year contract to coach the Cleveland Cavaliers. Meaning that the NCAA is at least a year from putting sanctions on Kentucky.

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TCU (Texas Christian University) beat Pepperdine (a California Christian University) 6-5 yesterday to advance to the College World Series. So did God flip a coin to decide whose prayers to answer?

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The Rays have had three straight shut-out losses. Is Tampa Bay trying to be the official MLB team of the World Cup?

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Colts owner Robert Irsay, awaiting a hearing on his DUI arrest, gave an interview to the Indianapolis Star saying how addiction is a disease, but people don’t get help because of the stigma. Perhaps in his case, but how many people also don’t get help because of the cost of treatment and rehab?

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If the four Americans killed in Benghazi had been on leave in Washington, D.C. and were fatally shot by some crazy guy with a handgun, the GOP would have forgotten about them. #sadbuttrue

 

I’m the least PC liberal I know, but George Will, really?? Talking about “sexual assault” only in quotations and saying that colleges are making “victimhood a coveted status that confers privileges.” Really? Makes Limbaugh’s “slut” comment about a woman using birth control almost seem quaint.

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“America Rising,” a Republican opposition research group, attacked Hillary Clinton for being “someone who is extremely out of touch with the financial reality facing Americans,” because the two homes the Clintons purchased in Chappaqua,and D.C. cost around $4.5 million combined. The best part about this, “America Rising” was started by the former campaign manager for Mitt Romney.

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United Airlines announcement today  “We’re changing the MileagePlus® program to reward our members for their travel spending with United®. And we’re adding new ways to use your award miles, to make the frequent flyer program with the best award availability* even better. Translation, “Most of you are getting screwed.”

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The iStamp?

February 20, 2014

The USPS has announced a new Steve Jobs postage stamp for 2015. Actually presume it will be a series of stamps, each one getting smaller, and smaller, and smaller….

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Considering how the figure skaters are doing relative to the hockey team, Vladimir Putin may have to rethink support for gays in Russia.

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For starters, however, how fabulous would the ratings be if we could only get  Johnny Weir to do an on-air Olympic interview of Putin?

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Although with all the newfangled events in the Olympics suppose it’s good to see some traditionalism – like controversy with the women’s figure skating scores.

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German figure skater Nathalie Weinzierl had a rough free skate performance skating to “Rhapsody in Blue.” Maybe if you are trying to achieve perfection not a great idea to use the music of United Airlines?

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President Obama and Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper bet cases of beer on the USA-Canada hockey games. Guess they didn’t want to wager with some real stakes. Like with a USA win we send back Bieber and with a Canada win they send us Rob Ford?

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Guess what. The prevent defense doesn’t work well in hockey either. #USAvsCAN #Sochi2014

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Wonder if the USA Women’s hockey team got a post-game phone call from Bill Buckner?

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Actually, for hockey afficionados Bill Littlejohn has a better line,” the team has just been made honorary Toronto Maple Leafs.”

(for non-hockey fans who are curious, google  “leafs” “bruins” “game 7.”)

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Kobe Bryant says he’s “not cool” that the Lakers shipped Steve Blake to the Warriors. Of course, wonder how many Lakers fans are “not cool” with Los Angeles spending $30 million this year on Kobe.

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Police say that during an argument at a casino in Atlantic City, Baltimore Ravens RB Ray Rice knocked his fiancee unconscious. Bet no one’s doing a poll of NFL players to see if they’d feel comfortable with HIM in their locker room..

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At a NJ Town Hall today, Chris Christie blamed Superstorm Sandy recovery problems on the Obama administration, saying “I’m not the king of New Jersey. I’m just the governor.” Well, duh, if Christie were king he would have had those responsible for exposing the Bridgegate scandal beheaded.’

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Ted Cruz, after Ted Nugent called Obama a “subhuman mongrel” said he didn’t share Nugent’s views but “there’s a reason… people listen to him. He has been fighting passionately for Second Amendment rights . And this administration has demonstrated an incredible hostility to the Second Amendment rights of law abiding citizens.” Ah, so passion justifies all speech? How did I miss Cruz’s defense of Martin Bashir?

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The two men who beat up Bryan Stow were only sentenced to 8 and 4 years respectively. Which for one of them will be barely more than time served. Wonder how much time someone might get for beating them up in prison?

Bus to Hell time. Regarding the men who pleaded guilty to attacking Bryan Stow, and who will be out of jail soon. Couldn’t the judge make a condition of their eventual parole be visiting Florida while wearing hoodies?

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President Obama sent an apology to an art history professor for saying “folks can make a lot more potentially with skilled manufacturing or the trades than they might with an art history degree.’ Now Marco Rubio has tweeted “Pathetic Obama apology to art history prof. We do need more degrees that lead to jobs.” What, like Rubio’s own undergraduate degree in political science?

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Missed it by that much?

August 14, 2012

A United Express flight that was supposed to fly from Morgantown to Clarksburg, WV, accidentally landed at Fairmont Municipal Airport, about 10 miles away. Next up for United Airlines, a GPS fee?

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In this case, karma is a Jewish mother. A top politician in Hungary’s far-right Jobbik party, Csanad Szegedi, known for his incendiary anti-Semitic comments, may have to resign from Parliament. He’s been accused of bribery, to cover up the fact that, oops, he IS a Jew.

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Evelyn Lozada is seeking a divorce 41 days after marrying Chad Johnson. This almost makes her an honorary Kardashian.

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Joe Biden added to his long list of gaffes today by saying to a racially mixed audience in Virginia, that the GOP “wants you in chains.”  Not to be outdone,  Mitt Romney plans to serenade the same crowd tomorrow with “We Shall Overcome.”

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Less than a year after Terry Francona was fired, Yahoo Sports is alleging that Boston Red Sox players are fed up with new manager Bobby Valentine. What next? Well, maybe Arnold Schwarzenegger can reprise his role as “Kindergarten Cop.”

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Things are in so much turmoil in Boston that President Obama ALMOST thought of inviting the team and management over for a beer… . Oops, never mind.

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Okay gentle and not-gentle readers,  let’s test your creativity This is today’s Tweet from Donald Trump: “Today I am working on my ‘big surprise’ for the @RNC convention. Everyone will love it.” So what could he possibly be planning?

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Olympic star Ryan Lochtee is going to make a cameo appearance in a “90210” episode as a resort guest. Hmm. Assume they will clean the resort pool afterwards?

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No comment headline of the day “Christie tapped for big role at convention.”

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The NFL now says they expect to start the 2012 regular season with replacement officials. Players are worried the officials may make mistakes that might affect games. And their point is?

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Michelle Obama was teasing Gabby Douglas about her splurging on an Egg McMuffin after winning a gold medal. But hey, Michelle, an Egg McMuffin is about 300 calories and includes protein. Much more healthy than most bagels, muffins etc. And less caloric than many lattes etc.

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Mitt Romney in Iowa: “Entrepreneurs and business people around the world and here at home think that at some point America is going to become like Greece or like Spain or Italy, or like California.” Guessing he’s going to leave that line out of his next Silicon Valley fundraiser…

(my friend Linda asks – Is Mitt selling his La Jolla house?”)

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Police say a man accidentally shot himself in the buttocks at a Nevada movie theater during a showing of “The Bourne Legacy.” Was he wearing a Plaxico Burress jersey?

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Crashing and burning.

March 4, 2012

The Costa Concordia wasn’t Captain Schettino’s first mishap. He also crashed a second cruise ship in 2010 resulting in minor damage while entering a German port. If Schettino can somehow avoid jail, wonder if he’ll be offered a job with the GoDaddy.com racing team.

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Wonder how many folks will be turning into this week’s Nascar race, not in hopes of watching two cars crash into each other. But in hopes of watching another fuel truck flambee.

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A 26 year old Florida teacher was arrested and charged with “unlawful sexual activity” with a minor after a 16 year old boy told police they were in love and had had sex in her car. Records showed that the pair had traded more than 12,000 text messages in 4 months. On the bright side, sounds like the kid definitely has learned how to read and write.

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Guess Bobby Valentine wanted to make a statement. Boston beat D3 Northeastern University in baseball today 25-0. Following the game the Red Sox were made honorary SEC football boosters.

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In the “cheer up it could be worse category”, example A this week has to be the New Orleans Saints. A couple days ago the biggest embarrassment the team was facing was not being able to work out a contract extension with Drew Brees.

(adds my friend Michael Duca, “Brees should look on the bright side – they could have put a bounty on him.”)

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On the first day after the United-Continental merger was finalized, reportedly 16% of United flights were on time Saturday from O’Hare airport. Normally when people are this frustrated in Chicago, the Cubs are involved.

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The New York Knicks are apparently so excited about the way that they are playing lately that they had a meeting with a doctor to talk about ways to combat insomnia. Presumably the doctor suggested things like warm milk, counting sheep, and watching tapes of the Charlotte Bobcats games.

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Rush Limbaugh has now apologized for calling Sandra Fluke a “slut.” Saying “I did not mean a personal attack on Ms. Fluke.” Uh, if Rush doesn’t think “slut” is a personal attack, starting to understand why his marriages have lasted as long as Mitt Romney’s positions.

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Am wondering where Sarah Palin was on this one. Since she was so upset about personal attacks on her daughter as an unwed mother… Or is it only off-limits for the media to go after Republican young women who have pre-marital sex?

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Rush Limbaugh is referring to Claire McCaskell as a “commie babe liberal.” Hey, that wouldn’t make a bad t-shirt.
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Nothing can go wrong… More in the United merger department: Client flying SF to JFK March 4 got “You have received this notification because the first flight in your upcoming UA itinerary is operated by TAM and/or its partners. To check in for this trip, please proceed to TAM’s website or their check-in area at the airport” (TAM only flies to and within Brazil.. and not to SF at all.)

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Former San Jose coach Ron Wilson was just fired by the Toronto Maple Leafs after a 1-9-1 stretch. Or as Sharks fans call that, having the team in his playoff form.

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“The Lorax” has pulled in over $17 million this weekend. Wonder how much of that was people piling into their SUVs and driving to see the movie in giant multiplexes?.

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Spring training games start today. Guess that means we’re watching for the little furry thing who lives in Brian Wilson’s beard to pop out and see if he sees his shadow.

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This may only make sense to San Francisco Bay Area readers…But it’s a good day in the San Francisco area when you turn on the radio, and, surprise, it’s Kruk and Kuip on the radio again calling a Giants game.

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A complete airline computer meltdown – Shirley you can’t be serious?

June 18, 2011

As United Airlines customers found out Friday night – they were serious.  The airline lost all its computers for six hours. Planes couldn’t take off, passengers couldn’t check in, and apparently many passengers on planes couldn’t get off.

Or as JetBlue says “Winter business as usual.”

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At one point,  all United flights that had not taken off were grounded indefinitely. Changing the airline’s slogan from ‘It’s time to fly” to “Does anybody really know what time it is?”

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Stay tune Monday for a new “computer maintenance ticket” fee?.

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Bad timing award?   United Airlines’ computers are slowly coming back online after a six hour complete outage. This in the same week that the FAA authorized American Airlines to replace their pilot flight manuals with iPads.

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Bristol Palin’s tell-all memoir will be published next week, following the two books written by her mother. Wonder if she will continue Sarah’s theme of complaining that the media just won’t give them any privacy?

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Bristol, for what it’s worth, refers to the the father of her son as a  “gnat.”   So much for last year’s quote  “I believe that wherever possible, if the parents can cooperate and co-parent in a positive way, the child will benefit…. putting aside the past is in Tripp’s best interest.”

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New York Archbishop Timothy Dolan is leading the fight against gay marriage in New York. While the Archbishop is entitled to his beliefs, wonder he wasn’t nearly so fervent in fighting to defrock pedophile priests?

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Apparently AARP may be willing to negotiate on raising the retirement age for social security. We will know this is for sure if and when they introduce their new AARP spokesman – Brett Favre.

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So in the aftermath of the Anthony Weiner debacle, will young couples start changing their wedding vows to say “and forsaking all others, keep thee and thy naughty tweets only unto her?”

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Tiger-less U.S. Open update  – (What, there’s a golf tournament this weekend?)   What’s more bizarre? That 22 year old Rory McIlroy shot a U.S. Open record 11 under par for the first two rounds? Or that he did it while double-bogeying the 18th hole Friday?

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The NCAA has announced their schedule of 35 bowl games for 2011-12, with ZERO games on January 1. Because it is a Sunday and thus games would conflict on television with NFL games if they settle the lockout. Can’t imagine how these college athletes get the idea it’s all about the money.

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Frank and Jamie McCourt have agreed to a divorce settlement that MAY allow Frank to keep control of the Dodgers. Dodgers fans are considering a petition to urge Jamie to keep fighting.

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A survey found that Facebook users were 43 percent more likely than other Internet users to say that “most people can be trusted.” That number would have been a lot higher except for all those women who got messages from Anthony Weiner.

 

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Rapture day?

May 20, 2011

 

Sarah Palin’s oldest son was married on Saturday.  Wonder when the baby is due?

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Although not accusing Track Palin of believing that “end of the world” stuff. On the other hand, if you did believe in the rapture, wouldn’t you as a young man want to get married and get laid first?

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If the world really does end today at least Cubs fans will die with this year’s illusions intact.

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Reviewers say the latest Pirates of the Caribbean movie is ultimately a boring two hours where in the end nothing interesting really happens. And this is different from the first three movies how?

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Donald Trump just backed out of a commitment to be the scheduled keynote speaker at major Republican fundraising dinner in Iowa next month, infuriating the head of the state party. What was he thinking quitting like that? Maybe the Donald’s real goal is to run for vice president.

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The Miami Heat television play-by-play announcer was interviewed on KNBR Thursday  morning talking about the team. And he said people just don’t realize how much these stars “sacrificed” to play together, in terms of how many millions they could have gotten in contracts from other teams. Great, does that mean any potential championship parade will also include a fundraiser for these poor guys?

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Meghan McCain came to her father’s defense this week saying “Rick Santorum lecturing my father about torture is like JWOWW lecturing Malcom Gladwell about writing.” Calls came for an immediate apology, from Jersey Shore.

A woman was kicked off an Amtrak train after she allegedly talked for 16 hours on her cellphone from California to Portland. Once cellphones are allowed on flights, will the emergency exit be available for that purpose?

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“What were they thinking?” award of the week to United Airlines, for reinstating flight numbers 93 (which passengers helped bring down in Pennsylvania), and 175  (which crashed into the World Trade Center)  United has now apologized and said this was a mistake. The airline has changed the flight numbers and said it won’t happen again. It’s this kind of attention to detail that has made the airline industry so profitable over the years.

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Yes, he said it. Newt Gingrich, now complaining about the use of his interview on “Meet the Press” said “Any ad which quotes what I said Sunday is a falsehood because I have said publicly, those words were inaccurate and unfortunate.” (Hmm, wonder if Arnold took his wedding vows on a Sunday.)

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