Posted tagged ‘Bachelorette jokes’

The odds are good but the odds are odd?

May 18, 2017

No joke, there’s actually a “Bachelorette Fantasy League” on ESPN. And if you are already signed up, you just might be in need of a life.

United Airlines has purchased naming rights to the LA Memorial Coliseum for $75 million. Makes sense, rooting for USC is a real drag.

Freddie Freeman, NL home-run leader, was hit by pitch and has fractured left wrist, will be out 2 months plus. Braves coming to AT&T Park next weekend, so SF Giants fans won’t get a chance to see him. Giants pitchers may not mind too much.

Steve Kerr just followed Popovich in slamming Trump. Lebron campaigned w/ Hillary. “Failing NBA” tweets in 3.2.1…. #spurs #warriors #cavs

 

 

Blue Jays OF Kevin Pillar was upset that Jason Motte struck him out on a quick pitch, so he yelled an anti-gay slur at the Braves reliever. At this point Pillar should be suspended for a combination of inappropriate language AND stupidity.

Trump may stop Sean Spicer’s daily press briefings. Can we start a GoFundMe campaign to have Melissa McCarthy do one in his place? @NBCSNL

 

If Trump really believes it’s a “witch hunt” perhaps he could do the test of jumping in Potomac to see if he sinks or not?

“Biggest witch hunt in history” said man who for years was chasing a debunked birth certificate rumor.

How long until Americans can legitimately be diagnosed with CTFS – Chronic Trump Fatigue Syndrome?

A 42 year old man died yesterday after falling over a railing onto his head after a Cubs game at Wrigley Field. Sad. I suppose no need to include in the story that alcohol may have been involved.

Suppose if I’m dead I won’t care. But it’s really sad that if I end up killed by a car driven by a legal resident of the US who is drunk or too old to drive, it would be a one-day story. Whereas if it was a Muslim or illegal immigrant I’d be a posthumous poster child.

After  Times Square car crash today good to see Donald  Trump immediately demand more mental health $$ for vets. Oh, wait, never mind.

Suspect in Times Square crash has at least  3 prior arrests, and possible “psychological problems.” Just the kind of guy whose rights the House was thinking about protecting when they overturned Obama gun law. #ifonlyhewasarmed

Trump lies, Pence apparently lied about Flynn, Ryan could be complicit. This could be turning into real-life version of Designated Survivor.

“If you can’t say anything nice about someone, don’t say anything at all.” Waiting for Roger Ailes blank page obituaries.

Bill O’Reilly says of Roger Ailes that “hatred killed him.” Sexual harassment on other hand, is probably good for women’s health. #WTF?

Really makes you feel old not just when music legend dies, but when you didn’t know his music AND he was younger than you. #ChrisCornell

 

If Trump REALLY thought Dems would be ok w/  Joe Lieberman as FBI director that’s actually scarier than if he wants Joe just to p*ss them off

 

From Marc Ragovin,  “There is a movement brewing in New York to impeach the Mets bullpen.”

Tommy don’t lose that number?

July 28, 2015

So why would an intelligent man destroy a cell phone when it absolutely would make him look guilty? If the messages destroyed would make him look worse. ‪#‎TomBrady‬

But really, don’t we all want to destroy our phones when we get a new one?  Because it’s so much fun re entering all those apps, contact information, bookmarks…

The “Bachelorette” is finally over. But after weeks of guilty fun watching a couple dozen crazy contestants whittled down to a winner, for a relationship not even based in reality, well, Americans still have the GOP primary.

Donald Trump is now saying he’d “love” to have Sarah Palin have some sort of position in his administration. That’s bold. Trump isn’t afraid Palin would take a shot at that furry thing that lives on his head?”

LaTroy Hawkins, 42, has been sent to Toronto along with Troy Tulowitzki. Bit of a waste. Hawkins gets to Canada and universal healthcare just before he becomes eligible for Medicare.

So Drew Storen has a 1.73 ERA and 29 saves out of 31 chances. And the Washington Nationals decide to bolster their playoff chances by adding… a temperamental closer (Papelbon). Same brilliant logic that had the team shut down Strasburg a few years back.

The Mets’ Jenrry Mejia, is now suspended 162 games for his 2nd failed PED test. Once you might think you’re invulnerable. The second time? Proves again that MLB drug testing is also an IQ test. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

Boston claimed Jean Machi off waivers Tuesday. Are the Red Sox trying to bolster their struggling bullpen? Or just to pick up a former Giant with experience reducing the amount of food available to Pablo Sandoval at the training table?

So the hunter who illegally shot Cecil, Zimbabwe’s most famous, and protected. lion, is an American dentist who was put on probation in 2008 for lying about the location where he shot and killed a bear, and who regularly travels the world to shoot big cats, elk, bears, rhinos etc, with a bow and arrow instead of a gun. Why stop there? A real man would face one of these animals with no weapons at all.

Good. The AP reports “According to Zimbabwe police spokeswoman Charity Charamba, (Minnesota dentist) Walter Palmer will face charges of poaching. It is alleged that Palmer worked with the guides to lure Cecil from the national park to an unprotected area by strapping a “dead animal to their vehicle.” ‪#‎justiceforCecil‬

A good kid with a gun?

July 30, 2014

A Florida mother has been arrested for letting her seven-year-old son walk to a local park alone, and having the boy carry a cellphone in case of any problems. Well, duh, it’s Florida, she should have sent the kid with a gun.

 

Red Lobster is trying to turn around their ailing business by focusing on more attractive plate presentation with their entrees. Right. Would like to see the Venn diagram between those who like to take pictures of their food and Red Lobster customers.

 

As we near the trade deadline a lot of mediocre players suddenly look very attractive to desperate teams. It’s the MLB equivalent of 15 minutes before closing time.

This just in. #DavidPrice and #JonLester have still not been traded. And Generalissmo Francisco Franco is still dead.

Shocking. “The Bachelorette” apparently had sex with two different contestants on the show. Does that make her an honorary guy?

 

(Although some of the former Bachelors are thinking “only two?”)

The NFL has indicated they will not accept Josh Gordon’s “secondhand marijuana smoke” defense. Probably as well that drug testing didn’t take place during the 1970s. Or the league might have suspended any player who went to Grateful Dead concerts.’

Adam Silver wants to change the lottery format to allow all 14 teams a relatively equal chance at the #1 pick.. The 76ers are upset, as they were 19-63 last season and were planning to tank again. The rest of the league wonders how the NBA will make this work to give one more #1 pick to the Cavaliers.

The Chicago Cubs (44-61) beat the Colorado Rockies (43-63  last night in 16 innings. And if you watched the entire game and aren’t related to one of the players, you just might have too much time on your hands.

#‎Cubs‬ catcher ‪#‎JohnBaker‬ pitched 2 innings tonight, got the win, & scored winning run. Could ‪#‎SFGiants‬ trade for Baker? Need his arm & bat.

An Indiana man has won a $1 million in the lottery twice in the past three months. So he was still playing? Guess a million doesn’t go as far as it used to. Even in Indiana.

 

The “People’s Choice” awards just announced they will add a special achievement award next year just for Orlando Bloom.

Eric Chavez retired today. He couldn’t have done it last year and let Yusmeiro Petit throw a perfect game? #SFGiants?

The Dan Uggla era with the #SFGiants is over as Uggla was released today. It takes some work to have your tenure with a team include less hits (and walks) than errors.   (0-11 with 3 errors.)  Even pitchers are impressed.

President Obama to Congressional Republicans in a speech today. Stop being mad all the time. Stop just hating all the time. Come on.” And the GOP responded “Hey, lay off our mission statement.”

Men not at work.

April 24, 2014

MLB has suspended Yankees pitcher Michael Pineda 10 games “for possessing a foreign substance on his person. That’s the official reason. The unofficial reason of course is for being stupid enough to put pine tar on his neck.

Michael Pineda, after his ejection – “I will learn from this mistake and it will not happen again.’’ Translation. “Next time I’ll hide the pine tar in a more discrete place.”

 

A girl gave Michelle Obama her father’s resume, saying he hadn’t had any work in three years. “Honey, you didn’t have to do that” said Joe Biden.

The NFL has just come out with its 2014 schedule. This should give players ample time to schedule meetings with their probation officers.

Herschel Walker, 52, told USA TODAY “I can play in the NFL today. I couldn’t take every snap. But running backs nowadays don’t play every down… Physically, I can still do it.” Let’s hope nobody shows this to Brett Favre.

 

Wonder how many Americans who profess complete disinterest in William, Kate and George’s Australia tour because they don’t believe in hereditary monarchy are really hoping Jeb runs against Hillary in 2016.

So many high seeds are having trouble in the first round of the NBA playoffs that you have to wonder if fatigue is a factor. Which could mean next year teams put even LESS effort into the regular season.

Oscar Robertson said if he were advising Carmelo Anthony, he’d tell him to leave the New York Knicks. Presumably so Melo can find a new team to help underachieve?

The LA district attorney’s office says that Aldon Smith’s will probably only be charged with with a misdemeanor instead of a felony for saying telling TSA he had a bomb at LAX airport. Another athlete who should be glad stupidity is not a felony.

Richard Sherman, currently negotiating his contract “It’s all about respect in this game, and the only way people show respect is the dollars.” Ah, that’s what’s going on with college football in SEC and USC, respect.

A Bachelorette contestant died after a paragliding accident. The show’s producers had two reactions. 1. How sad. 2. Thank heaven it didn’t happen on one of our adventure dates.

 

 

GOP Presidential contenders are now rushing to distance themselves from rancher Cliven Bundy, who said, amongst other things about African-Americans, “And I’ve often wondered, are they better off as slaves, picking cotton and having a family life and doing things, or are they better off under government subsidy? They didn’t get no more freedom. They got less freedom.” If Bundy had just stuck to insulting the government and maybe women and gays, he’d still be some conservatives’ hero.

From TC “Air Canada will be terminating two of their baggage handlers this weekend after video showed them firing luggage as far as 20 feet at Toronto Pearson airport. The Blue Jays immediately signed them for pitching tryouts.”

Oh Canada Day, Eh?

July 1, 2013

Happy Canada Day – July 1. Our neighbors to the north have universal healthcare, strict gun control laws and legalized gay marriage about a decade ago. And they seem to be surviving just fine.

This week, (July 1-3) is the 150th anniversary of the Battle of Gettysburg. Which means in the Senate, they’re bracing for yet another retelling of John McCain’s first hand experiences.

This “Stunning Upset at Wimbledon” headline is turning into tennis’s version of “Groundhog Day.”

Open note to future Bachelorettes: In a time when “reality show star” is not an oxymoron, and you have 24 men who supposedly are interested in romance on national tv, you are a fool if you don’t figure up front at least several of them in it for the “wrong reasons.”

Two defensive starters on Texas A&M’s football team were charged with misdemeanor assault over the weekend. And Roger Goodell is thinking “Thank God they weren’t already drafted.

Apparently 5 NBA teams are vying to sign Greg Oden. Easier to offer free-agent contract when healthcare costs will be covered by Medicare.

Edward Snowden is now blaming the Obama administration for making him a “stateless person.” Uh, and Snowden’s running away and refusing to stay in (or return to) the U.S. had nothing to do with it…. Right.

Tough few weeks for #SFGiants. But finally good news: The #LADodgers are reportedly getting Carlos Marmol from the Chicago Cubs.

Kansas Rep. Tim Huelskamp introduced legislation late Friday to amend the U.S. Constitution to ban gay marriage. In these tough times, isn’t it great to know that Congress is really focused on the issues that matter most to Americans?

So with the “new” Yahoo Mail there are regular error messages saying a message cannot be sent, and a draft cannot be saved. Today the function to search old emails is down. Now I see why Marisa Mayer didn’t want people working from home…. using internal mail isn’t a reliable way to communicate.

Rick Perry is decrying “mob rule” that kept his abortion bill from passing. Now Wendy Davis is saying that’s she’s considering a run for Governor in 2014. Will it be “mob rule” when Texans vote her in and him out?

Of course as my friend Tom Dodd says -” If they support you, they’re “The People”. If they oppose you, they’re a “Mob”.”

The latest Vegas odds have the Chicago Cubs as 500-1 to win the 2013 World Series. Have to figure whoever decided that was an idealistic Cubs fan.

 

Pierce Brosnan’s daughter, 41, just died from ovarian cancer. Her mother and grandmother died of the same disease. Would Melissa Ethridge still like to criticize Angelina Jolie’s decision?

 

This whole Dwight Howard circus is a lot of ado about a guy with the free throw skills of Shaquille O’Neal and the decision-making ability of Brett Favre.

Not so Gentle Readers?

June 11, 2013

Hmm… so WordPress gives me a count every day of the number of people reading this blog. Wonder if NSA is included?

 

Interesting how so many people who are upset about the government knowing what phone #s you call have no problem at all with email companies actually reading your email and targeting you with ads based on them. For starters.

Leaving aside the larger issue of the PRISM program that Edward Snowden exposed, anyone but me just a bit uneasy how a high school dropout who didn’t finish Army basic training went from being a security guard at NSA to a high level contractor with top security clearance?

Really? TSA stopped actor Peter Mayhew, Chewbacca in the Star Wars movies, when he was returning from ComicCon for using a cane that looked like a light saber. They finally let him on the plane. #Maythefarcebewithyou

After Chad Johnson playfully smacked his attorney on the butt today in court, an angry judge rejected a no-jail plea deal and sentenced the former NFL star to 30 days in jail for a probation violation. Talk about a penalty for excessive celebration.

So now JaMarcus Russell has taken his NFL comeback efforts to Baltimore. Where no doubt Ravens fans are thinking “Nevermore.”

 

Eight elderly women who had hired a limo for a friend’s 96th birthday escaped unharmed Sunday when that limousine caught fire. Wonder if the fire started with the left blinker overheating from being left on.

 

Obama administration official are saying they had 22 separate briefings/meetings for Congress about NSA’s monitoring of Americans. The audacity! They actually expect Congress to pay attention in meetings?

Glee star Jane Lynch and her wife, Dr. Lara Embry are divorcing after only about 2 1/2 years after their wedding. Well, guess it’s some kind of equality when gay celebrities can make marriage choices that are as bad as the straight ones.

 

Got to love it, so “Bachelorette”, a show reportedly about finding a soulmate, marrying and living happily after, is followed immediately on ABC by “Mistresses.”

Sergio Garcia and Tiger Woods shook hands today at the U.S. Open. Thereby disappointing millions of Americans who really wanted to see a version of “Celebrity Boxing.”

 

Open note to SF Giants fans worried about Los Angeles’ new star Yasiel Puig: He does appear to be an awesome talent. On the other hand, it’s still the same old Dodger bullpen….

A bite with Mitt?

May 15, 2012

Donors to Obama’s campaign were entered into a drawing to have dinner with the President and George Clooney.    Donors to Romney’s campaign get a drawing to have “a bite with Mitt.”    Just Mitt.    What, Ted Nugent wasn’t available?

An investigation found that Newark at TSA took corrective actions for only 42% of security breaches at the airport between 1/1/10 and 5/31/11. But hey, they confiscated several thousand bottles of water.

While gas prices have come down in most of the country, they have spiked in California in the last couple weeks, apparently due to “refinery issues.” What’s a “refinery issue?” I think it’s “We have the refineries, we can charge whatever the h*ll we want.”

Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski says London 2012 will be the last Olympics he coaches the U.S. men’s basketball team. Guess if coach K wanted to spend time with overpaid prima donnas, he’d just move to the SEC.

Ron Paul announced he’ll stop campaigning for President. Which means he’ll be getting about the same amount of media coverage he’s gotten so far in 2012.

MLB dropped its 100-game suspension of Rockies catcher Eliezer Alfonzo for a positive drug test because the sample wasn’t sent in promptly enough. So once again, “If the urine sits, you must acquit.”

Former New Jersey high school star Billy Rowell, the Baltimore Oriole’s 1st round draft pick in 2006, has been suspended for 50 games for a 2nd violation of the minor league’s drug testing program. Uh, wouldn’t you think someone caught once would be more careful? Even Snooki is thinking this was stupid.

Oklahoma City Thunder 119, Los Angeles Lakers 90. If this keeps up when the series heads to Staples Center Jack Nicholson will ditch the sunglasses in favor of a paper bag over his head.

From T.C.  “So what’s the diff between USDA Select, USDA Choice, USDA Prime and Kobe? ”  They are just different grades of Dead Meat!   –

So the chief investment officer at JPMorgan Chase is out, to be replaced by Matt Zames. Who according to CNN was “formerly a senior trader at Long-Term Capital Management, the failed hedge fund that placed massive bets on the trajectory of interest rates and required a $3.6 billion bailout from the Fed in 1998.” Well, that should inspire confidence.

The number #2 name for baby boys in the U.S. in 2011 was “Mason.” Which allegedly is due to Khloe Kardashian’s naming her son Mason. If so this is the kind of thing that makes one fear for our country’s future.

A California man has been arrested for allegedly driving at speeds of up to 104 mph with his 9 year old son and a teammate because they were late for a kids’ soccer game. And many parents are going “100 mph for soccer? How crazy can you be? Now, for a Little League game, maybe.”

The Bachelorette” starts tonight with Emily Maynard. Host Chris Harrison says that because Emily is a single mom the show won’t be “the superficial drama you’ve seen in seasons past.” Right, it will be a different kind of superficial drama.

Virgin Atlantic has announced they will start allowing passengers to make and receive phone calls in flight. Meaning a crying baby may soon not be the worst possible seatmate.

The proposal.

August 2, 2011

I’m a little confused by this final debt ceiling proposal. Who gave who the final rose?


Many Americans on both sides would say that we all ended up with plenty of… fertilizer.


Watching ABC’s previews for “Bachelor Pad.” The perfect show for all those who think the “Bachelor/Bachelorette” is too emotionally restrained and classy.

Jerry Lewis slammed the show “American Idol,” Saying the contestants are all “McDonalds Wipeouts.” Responded McDonalds Corp, “Who’s Jerry Lewis?”


Oakland Athletics owner Lew Wolff, speaking in support of his friend Bud Selig, says that for the “good of baseball,” he hopes Frank McCourt will sell the Los Angeles Dodgers soon. Uh, actually, for the good of baseball, many people wish Wolff would sell the hapless As.


A woman from Kansas is in stable condition after being accidentally run over by a Beach Patrol pickup truck while sunbathing on Daytona Beach. I see a new “safer alternative” advertising campaign for tanning salons.

Saw the SI.com headline Monday “Bradshaw agrees to return to Giants.” You know you’ve heard too many Brett Favre stories when your first reaction is “Dear Gawd, not Terry too?”

A joint effort with my comedy writer friend Jerry Perisho: “Jennifer Lopez talks about her marital trouble in Vanity Fair, but please still respect her privacy, ok?”

Like Sarah Palin calling news conferences to promote her documentary and asking the media to leave her family alone.

Limelight-loving Randy Moss says he is retiring. Even Pete Rose is saying “I wouldn’t bet on it.”

The New York Jets feel Plaxico Burress will be a positive addition this year Although while the wide receiver is talented, there were other issues -mostly attitude related – with the Giants before he ended up in prison.

If Burress ends up being more trouble than he is worth will other teams feel like they dodged a bullet?


Rex Ryan said it was a “leap of faith” to sign Plaxico Burress. Well, at least he didn’t say it was a “shot in the dark.”


Arizona Rep. Gabrielle Giffords has returned to the House floor for the first time since her shooting, casting her vote for the debt ceiling compromise. Apparently Giffords still has some trouble stringing coherent sentences together. This still, however, puts her ahead of many members of Congress.


San Francisco is placing Barry Zito on the DL again. Nothing personal, but judging by his last few starts, most fans would say that “D” stands for “Disgusting.”

Actually the only hope for Zito at this point may be to get pitching lessons from Gaylord Perry.


“Down under” Tiger joke from Augie: Said Tiger, “This will allow me to keep my short strokes down under the minimum so I can get it in the hole easier.”


Finally, Mitt Romney said Monday he opposes the debt ceiling deal. Which means in about a week he should be supporting it.

Manny and Sarah and Mark, oh my…

July 8, 2009

Manny Ramirez was ejected in the fifth inning of his fourth game back from his female fertility drug suspension. The Dodgers outfielder apologized afterwards, but explained that it was “that time of month.”


Regular Bachelorette watchers are celebrating Monday as the night that Wes finally was finally kicked to the curb. For anyone who hasn’t watched the show, and has no desire to do so, all you need to know is this – Governor Mark Sanford would proclaim the man a sleazeball.


In a recent poll, seven out of ten Republicans say they would like to have Sarah Palin as their presidential candidate for President in 2012. Who says there is no bi-partisanism in Washington? President Obama added “Me too.”


Major League Baseball is filling their last two All-Star spots by an online voting system, in which fans are encouraged to vote as often as possible. For some unknown reason, none of the five choices in either league are from Chicago.


Okay, John Edwards, Dick Cheney and now Sarah Palin. Hard to believe that the least embarassing V.P. candidate in recent memory is Joe Biden.

Still also hard to believe Sarah Palin resigned Friday as Governor of Alaska. Who’d have thought her chances of being President would be buried before Michael Jackson?

RNC chair Michael Steele says that he doesn’t think Sarah Palin can run for president in 2012, because he thinks “she’s trying to focus on getting her house in order.” Not to mention keeping an eye on all those Russians.


Utah Senator Orrin Hatch wants the Justice Department to investigate the BCS for antitrust law violations. Well, and why not? It’s not like Congress has anything more important to worry about.