Posted tagged ‘Snowden jokes’

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Times they are a changin’

September 13, 2016

Vin Scully said today he won’t broadcast the postseason so that his last game will be the Dodgers-Giants in SF Oct. 2. So maybe he has less faith in how LA will do in the playoffs than even Giants fans.

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So it’s only one game, but wonder if #LosAngeles is thinking of suing #StLouis under the “Lemon Law.” #Rams #49ers

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Trent Dilfer said before MNF that Colin Kaepernick had caused “friction” that had “torn at the fabric of the team” by becoming the “center of attention.”
Uh, looking at the 49ers-Rams final score guessing a lot of NFL teams will be trying to figure out how to tear fabric this week in practice

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So while we are into conspiracy theories, what about the possibility of a #TrumpBodyDouble. Would explain that inhuman shade of orange and some of the wild statements- especially if the body double was a giant Furby.

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Just when you think you’ve heard every airline excuse under the sun, and the moon, now I have a client on a delayed United flight in Denver because “they dented the plane with a baggage loader.”

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After reports of phantom donations, House Democrats now seeking a Justice Department investigation of Trump Foundation, #sauceforthegoose

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Donald Trump, attacking Hillary Clinton for her “basket of deplorables” line: “You can’t lead this nation if you have such a low opinion of its citizens.” Can a statement have an asterisk?

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A 21 year-old California man in Hawaii decided to make an illegal, nearly 200 ft jump off Kauai’s Wailua Falls. He was knocked unconscious, had to be rescued by other tourists, and called it ‘spiritual’, I call it ‘Almost a Darwin.” #misseditbythatmuch

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The U.S. Census Bureau said median income in the US rose over 5% to $56,516, the first increase since 2007. #IblameObama

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Edward Snowden says now he thinks President Obama should pardon him, saying his actions “may seem unlawful in letters on a page but when we look at them morally, when we look at them ethically, and when we look at the results, it seems obvious that these were necessary things.”
And then does Snowden expect Obama will bring him home from Russia on a flying pig?

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The Presidential election is distracting us from interesting state contests, but Lousiana’s Senate race deserves more attention. Not only is David Duke running, but a new book out “Murder on the Bayou” has allegations against one candidate, Rep. Charles Boustany, that prompted this verbatim statement from fellow candidate GOP Treasurer John Kennedy:
“I want to be very clear that my campaign played absolutely no role in creating this story alleging Congressman Boustany’s sexual relationships with prostitutes that were later murdered, his staff’s alleged involvement in running the bar and hotel where this illicit behavior took place, or publishing the book,”
#nottheOnion #Youcantmakethisstuffup

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Washed away

October 5, 2015

Oops. With “biblical” flooding in South Carolina, NBC’s weatherman Al Roker has now apologized for tweeting a selfie with him and his crew standing besides a flooded car. Guess it’s not just teenage girls who smartphones can make stupid.

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The Supreme Court today denied to hear San Jose’s claim that MLB has illegally blocked the A’s attempt to move to the South Bay. Maybe the city would have done better if they framed the case as an issue of religious freedom. ‪#‎ibelieveinthechurchofbaseball‬

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The CEO of Alaska said the airline lost his checked bag. And over at United they’re thinking “”For the first time? Amateurs.”

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Yankees pitcher C.C. Sabathia has checked himself into alcohol rehab. Shocking. Not that an athlete goes to rehab, but he does it without being arrested first.

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After the Saints OT win yesterday, Texas governor Greg Abbott said the Cowboys’ defense was “more porous than the Texas border.” Surprised he didn’t blame Obama.

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Well, we now have the answer to the question – How are the ‪#‎Lions‬ going to screw up their chance to win tonight? ‪#‎MNF‬ ‪#‎DETvsSEA‬

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So in close games in the 4th quarter should referees at CenturyLink Field just go ahead & put ‪#‎Seahawks‬ logo on their uniforms? ‪#‎DETvsSEA‬

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American Apparel has filed for bankruptcy. American Apparel is still in business?

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In Tennessee last Saturday, an 11-year-old boy shot and killed an 8-year-old neighbor when the girl wouldn’t let him play with her puppy. ‪#‎Ifonlyshewerearmed‬

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So just wondering ,how long until even atheists in SF start calling for ‪#‎Tebow‬? ‪#‎SF49ers‬

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Louisville men’s basketball coach Rick Pitino, doubling down on his denials of being aware of a former director of basketball operations paying escorts to have sex with players and recruits – “Not myself, not one player, not one trainer, not one assistant, not one person knew anything about any of this. If anyone did, it would have been stopped on a dime. Not one person knew anything about it.”

Not ONE person? Again I think I like “pushed into a lifeboat” better.

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Edward Snowden now is telling the BBC that he’d “volunteered to go to prison with the government many times,” if he returns to the US but had not received a formal plea-deal offer. Guess it says something about life in Russia these days if an American jail is more appealing.

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Last week it came out that the Libertarian candidate for Senate in Florida had sacrificed a goat, now he also admits that in a pagan ritual he drank its blood. Where are the defenders of religious freedom on this one?

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From Marc Ragovin –  “After only four games, the Miami Dolphins have axed head coach Bill Philbin. I guess Philbin now sleeps with the fishes.”

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And guest driving on the bus to hell, T.C.  “Who knew that CC Sabathia was really CC & Seven Sabathia?”

An American Airlines pilot died last night in the cockpit of a red-eye flight to Boston. You know you’re on the bus to hell when the first thing you think of is “Airplane” jokes.

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Serious thought for a change:

Jerry Brown, a former Jesuit seminarian, signed a bill in California today to allow terminally ill people to end their lives. The Catholic church opposes the bill, and the Governor said did not know what he would do if he were dying and in pain.
“But,I am certain, however, that it would be a comfort to be able to consider the options afforded by this bill. And I wouldn’t deny that right to others.”

Sometimes I think it’s a real shame Moonbeam is too old to run for President.

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And then there were two.

July 9, 2014

Argentina over the Netherlands 4-2 in a penalty kick shootout. Setting up a World Cup final with Germany. Over-under on Nazi War Criminal jokes in the next 4 days?

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On a brighter note for the World Cup host country, think of all the underprivileged children in Africa who will be be thrilled with their “Brazil, 2014 Champions” shirts.

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Heard the US has offered to have a ceremony honoring the Brazilian soccer team. Their suggested venue? Wrigley Field.

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So Germany vs. Argentina for the World Cup Championship Sunday in Rio De Janeiro. For Brazilians that must be like a World Series game 7 featuring the Yankees played at Fenway, or the Dodgers at A T & T, etc…..

 

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Headline “Last Year’s Champion Drops Out of Tour de France.” And the response across America “Who?”

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Sarah Palin is saying she would like to join “The View.” Good thing Barbara Walters has retired. This prospect might have killed her.

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After Hobby Lobby, some religious leaders have asked President Obama to be exempted from his forthcoming executive order prohibiting federal contractors from discriminating against LGBTs. But okay, folks, if the point is limiting birth control and abortions, what better sex than gay sex?

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An LA jury found the Dodgers partly liable for the injuries to Bryan Stow, ordering them to pay only $4.5 million of an $18 million verdict. $4.5 million!? That’s less than a half-year contract for an average rental player at the trade deadline.

 

Lebron James’ second free agency tour continues without a final decision.  Here we thought Lebron wanted to be Michael Jordan. Appears now he wants to be Brett Favre.

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Edward Snowden has asked for an extension on his one-year Russian visa. So, okay, people disagree on if he is guilty of a crime. Snowden CLAIMS, however, “If I could go any place in the world, that place would be home.” So if true wouldn’t you think he’d want to publicly defend himself back home in a trial?

 

 

President Obama today in Texas about the “immigration crisis.” “Are folks more interested in politics or are they more interested in solving the problem?” If Obama has to ask maybe he really hasn’t learned that much during four years in Washington.

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Joe Montana, playing in a flag football game which will be the final game at Candlestick Park this weekend “My jersey just got here. I’m pumped, it’s almost time for the game. #cantwait.” Flag football? Have news for Joe. Most of us CAN wait.  Forever if need be.

 

Former New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin, 58, was sentenced today to 10 years in federal prison on corruption and graft charges. Which in Louisiana means Nagin may be released just in time to run for Governor.

 

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“Can’t fix stupid” item of the day. A small Pennsylvania newspaper does a reader opinion feature on various topics, complete with a photo of the responders. And a Bloomsburg University student opined on the Redskins name controversy. Campus police saw the picture, recognized it and arrested him for jumping bail in a DUI case…..

 

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From Marc Ragovin, on the story about two members of one of the NY Mets’ Single A minor league teams being recently arrested for drag racing.  “I guess this gives new meaning to being on the fast track to the majors.”

 

 

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Maybe baby.

April 17, 2014

Chelsea Clinton has announced that she is pregnant with her first child. And presumably that baby, boy or girl,  will be running for President in 2064.

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Chelsea Clinton’s pregnancy is a big deal in the U.S. Of course, it’s not like in Britain with Prince George, where a child can grow up to rule simply by virtue of his/her birth….Oops, never mind.

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The arts and crafts chain Michaels is the latest to be hit by a security breach. The company said that about 2.6 million customer credit and debit cards used at its stores may have been affected. Worrisome news for a lot of women and almost a dozen men.

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Uber is adding a $1 flat “Safe Rides” Fee onto all fares. Their first mandatory surcharge.  They must have hired an executive from the airlines.

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Chad Johnson is heading to the CFL’s Montreal Alouettes.. Is this some small payback to Canada for Justin Bieber?

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With Tiger and Phil out for the weekend, the Masters had its lowest ratings in over 20 years. Hearing this most Americans asked “Oh, was there a golf tournament on?”

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Oscar Pistorius’s own defense forensics expert witness today contradicted the athlete’s earlier testimony on the stand. Even the O.J. jurors are beginning to think this guy is guilty.

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A new app will allow users,for a monthly fee, to have unlimited coffee at a number of independent. The app, called CUPS, is $45 for regular coffee or tea, $85 for espressos. But, hey, for that price you could get a half dozen drinks at Starbucks.

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Apparently Donovan McNabb was arrested Jan 6 for DUI, and has already served a one-day sentence after pleading guilty. Wonder why the story’s just coming out now. Maybe McNabb is just trying to show he still belongs in the NFL?

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Apparently the Captain of that ill-fated South Korean ferry was not only not at the helm when it began listing, but he also was one of the first people rescued. Maybe it’s time to send the guy on a fact-finding mission, back to the ferry’s bridge wearing only a snorkel and flippers.

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Edward Snowden made a “surprise” appearance on Putin’s annual question-and- answer TV show to ask “Does Russia intercept, store or analyze in any way the communications of millions of individuals?” Putin responded that Russia has a special service that bugs telephone and Internet to fight crimes, including terrorism, only with court permission and only “for specific citizens.” But “on a massive scale, on an uncontrolled scale we certainly do not allow this and I hope we will never allow it.”

And they both performed this with a straight face!

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So FB is going to introduce a new feature called “Nearby Friends,” which they say is optional. The idea is to tell you if any of your friends are in the area. And how many millions of teenagers with parents on FB just started looking for a new social media site?

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Chipotle announced their profit increased 8.5% last quarter. So you know what that means… Yep, their prices are going up

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Rings and things.

February 6, 2014

Airlines have been warned about possible terrorist attacks on flights into Sochi using toothpaste tubes. Which means security will be looking carefully at any toothpaste that looks suspicious. Presumably meaning at least ANYONE bringing a tube in from England.

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NBC News’ Richard Engel reported that his computers and cellphone were hacked within a day of his arrival in Sochi. Where is Edward Snowden on this one?

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Police said a Pennsylvania couple apparently died from carbon monoxide poisoning while having sex in a car parked in a garage. The ultimate Darwin award perhaps since they were trying to breed at the time?

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What took them so long?  Scotland on Tuesday legalized gay marriage. I realize some might find this disgusting. But this is a country that long ago legalized the right of citizens to eat haggis.

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Today was “National Signing Day” for college football. It’s especially exciting for SEC schools because today proves their recruits know how to sign their names.

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#ClayAiken says he is running for Congress in North Carolina. So he wants to go from “American Idol” to “American Idle?”

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A congressman gets caught with cocaine and gets a year’s probation. A famous movie star is found dead with 70 bags of heroin and as my friend Marty B. pointed out, had he been found alive he would not have been arrested. We’re not only losing the war on drugs, we aren’t even consistently fighting the battles.

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I thought Bristol Palin getting on “Dancing with the Stars” for getting pregnant as an unmarried teenager was a new low in our civilization, but getting on “Celebrity Boxing” for killing a teenager has just topped, or rather bottomed, that.

 

 

What’s going on in the sports world? The Seahawks destroy the favored Broncos in the Super Bowl Sunday, and tonight the Lakers win on the road? (Okay, so it was the Cavaliers.) But what’s the next sign of the apocalypse? Cubs fans can only dream.

 

The Jamaican bobsled team’s luggage was “lost” on the way to Sochi, but has finally shown up. Can’t imagine why Russian authorities might have delayed and/or searched bags from Jamaica. Maybe visitors from Washington and Colorado might want to do carry-on.

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Mitt Romney on running in 2016: “The answer is no.” And many in the media wondering “Why?” Uh, how about losing twice is enough?

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Lottery fever?

December 18, 2013

When they total U.S. retail sales this December will Mega Millions lottery tickets count?

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So were all these people rushing to buy tickets risking affluenza?

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A winning Mega Millions jackpot ticket was purchased today in San Jose. The winner might have almost enough to buy Santa Clara 49ers season tickets.

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Okay I admit it, my coworkers went in for a handful of Mega Millions tickets today, I declined. But when I heard “winning ticket sold in the South Bay,” yes, there was a second of “uh oh….”

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Channel 2 in the SF Bay Area is doing “Breaking News” on the winning “Mega Millions” ticket. So every few minutes they were  showing a live picture… of a locked up gift store in San Jose….

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Edward Snowden has written an “open letter to the people of Brazil” saying he is willing to help the country investigate U.S. surveillance of Brazilian citizens. Translation: Snowden is already tired of living in Russia.

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Eight tech officials, including CEO’s from Apple, Facebook, Yahoo and Google, wrote a letter to Obama and Congress calling for curbs to NSA surveillance. Apparently they want the surveillance left to the corporate sector.

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It may be December, but those Thanksgiving stalwarts the Dallas Cowboys and Detroit Lions apparently decided to do their giving on the field this week.

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–The Harvard bomb threat that closed several buildings on Monday was apparently emailed in by a student to administrators, police and the Harvard Crimson. The young man in question was scheduled to take an exam that day. You’d think if he had time to think of the scheme, he also had time to study.

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Urban Meyer says he’s an “awful loser. I guess I’d rather be known as that than as a good loser.” I have news for the OSU coach. He’s not known as a good winner either.

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Oregon CB Troy Hill has been suspended following his arrest last Friday for “menacing” and “criminal mischief.” Well, the Ducks may not be going to a BCS bowl, but good to see their players are still in NFL prospect form.

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Scientists at Emory University devised an algorithm using Twitter to figure out how various NFL fan bases deal with wins and losses. Turns out the Raiders fans have the biggest swings between happy and sad. Good thing they stuck with football, Cubs fans might have crashed the system.

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Harold Camping, the California preacher who freaked out thousands of people when he predicted the end of the world has died at age 92. So wonder if his predictive power was at least good enough to know he didn’t need to buy Christmas presents.

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Back in Texas, an advisor to Attorney General Greg Abbott tweeted earlier this fall that State Senator Wendy Davis is “too stupid to be governor.” “Too stupid to be governor” of Texas? Didn’t think based on recent history that was possible.

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A Delta flight slid some distance off the runway last night in the snow at Madison Airport. The important question for many this time of year… did the airline at least give passengers a few extra frequent flier miles?

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The Charlotte Bobcats said they will unveil their new “Charlotte Hornets” logo Dec. 21, The team will rename itself for the 2014-15 season. Alas they will have a new name, new uniforms and the same lousy players

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Some 49ers fans plan to taunt Seahawks fan by purchasing a billboard in Seattle with pictures of the five Super Bowl trophies SF has won. Fair enough…but no doubt Seahawks fans will in turn point out that they can see the billboard on their way to home playoff games.

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Justin Bieber said during an L.A. radio interview that “After the new album, uh, I’m actually, uh, I’m retiring man, I’m retiring…” Alas, unlike Megyn Kelly, Bieber probably really WAS joking.

 

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Fill in the blank?

August 27, 2013

The 197 year old “Farmer’s Almanac,” which has an amazing record for accuracy, predicts “bitterly cold” subnormal temperatures for Feb 1-3, 2014 in the New York City area. Insert “it will be a cold day in hell when (fill-in-the-blank-team) makes it to the Super Bowl” here.

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Bank of America said they will review working conditions after an intern died after reportedly working until 6a three nights in a row. Many law firms are thinking “What, does B of A think they were too soft on the kid?”

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Many people think that Miley Cryus’s VMA performance yesterday was obscene and not fit for children. Wonder how many fathers today are thinking they need to closely reexamine the evidence?

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Who knew Hannah Montana was a stripper name?

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Barry Zito, who has a double-digit ERA on the road this year, was the starting pitcher Monday night for the SF Giants against the Colorado Rockies at Coors Field. Wonder if  Denver air traffic control was alerted for possible round objects ending up in flight paths?

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Wimbledon champion Marion Bartoli, who announced her retirement from tennis Aug 14, now says “It’s pretty hard to say I would never come back.” “Atta girl!” responded Brett Favre.

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Our foreign policy at its finest: A Russian newspaper reported that Edward Snowden was stuck at the Moscow airport only after Cuba, bowing to U.S. pressure, warned Aeroflot that it would not allow his flight from Russia to land in Havana. And U.S. citizens can travel to Russia anytime, whereas Cuban travel (along with rum and cigars) is embargoed.

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An 21 year old has invented a topical sprayable caffeine, which he hopes to bring to market this fall. Ben Yu said that his spray “won’t change the world.” On the other hand, it might save a few marriages, if spouses can keep it handy for mornings when coffee isn’t available.

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Khloe Kardashian is complaining about the stories about her husband, Kim claims she is trying to protect her baby’s privacy. (Except for a picture on mom’s failing talk show.) Here’s a suggestion, folks. Want privacy? Quit making your careers be bleeping reality television.

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Really? A man has come forward 40 years later to claim that Billie Jean King’s $100,000 victory over Bobby Riggs was actually rigged so Riggs could have $100,000 in gambling debts forgiven. Except, a win would have netted him the money to pay off those debts….

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Why revenue-sharing needs a minimum team payroll to go with it: The Houston Astros, with a $13 million payroll, are according to Forbes going to make an estimated $99 million in operating income this season…. (You’d think fans would at least get a break on beer prices.)

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Scoot Airlines, Singapore Airlines’ budget carrier, is now offering passengers the option to pay a $14 surcharge for “ScootinSilence,” five rows in economy where no children. Right, because the sound of a screaming baby can carry no further than five rows…

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High performance?

July 10, 2013

Reports are that MLB will suspend as many as 20 active players for PEDs, including Ryan Braun and A-Rod, possibly on the day after the All-Star Game. So much for ESPN trying to fill a slow sports news day.

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Just wondering, after last year and with the Biogenesis story lurking in MLB’s background has Bud Selig suggested to Jim Leyland that he NOT put Bartolo Colon in position to be the All-Star Game MVP?

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In an obituary published in the Columbus Dispatch, longtime fan Scott E. Entsminger, 55. requested “six Cleveland Browns pall bearers so the Browns can let him down one last time.” I see a new marketing opportunity for the Chicago Cubs.

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The Los Angeles Lakers had the highest luxury tax in the NBA last year – over $29 million. Really. And not even a senior discount?

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Details details… So IF Snowden decides to accept asylum in Venezuela, the flights between Moscow and Caracus go through Frankfurt, Paris, Rome, Madrid Miami, JFK or Madrid. All of which require a valid passport for transit. Oops. Add to the list of things Snowden should have thought through…. talking to a good travel agent.

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Barnes and Noble announced the resignation of their CEO today. Shocking! Barnes and Noble is still in business?

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So in the George Zimmerman circus, er, trial, now the defense planned to introduce evidence that Trayvon Martin had marijuana in his system at the time of his death. Because we all know how energetic and aggressive smoking pot makes you?

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After Dwight Howard said he would sign with Houston, the Rockets GM went on Twitter and TV to talk about it. Which is apparently against rules during the July 1-10 free agent moratorium.. So the NBA fined the team $150,000. Right. And flopping is $5,000…. Ah priorities.

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-A new rock bottom? San Francisco Giants don’t need a trade. They need a 12-step program.

 

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TC  trying to top my last week’s groaner about Morsi – that his countrymen thought “He Gypped”  them:

“Egypt’s President Mohammed Morsi has been overthrown by the country’s military. Of course he’s still in DeNile.”

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Beat the heat?

July 5, 2013

New York City now has a new “Minus5 Ice Bar,” at the Hilton, where the temperature is kept at 23 degrees Fahrenheit. And walls, tables and even the drinking glasses are made of ice. Finally, something in town this summer colder than the Mets.

 

A 7-year-old Virginia boy has died a day after being shot while waiting for a Fourth of July fireworks show. Police believe someone had been firing randomly in the air and a stray bullet struck the boy in the head. If only that poor child had been armed….

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Are the ‎#SFGiants trying to make sure their 2013 season documentary is titled “50 Shades of Orange?”

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The LA Dodgers worried about bringing up Yasiel Puig in part because they didn’t think he was acclimated enough to U.S. culture. Wonder if the SF Giants as a goodwill gesture offered to have Pablo Sandoval introduce Puig to American fast food?

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For gamblers, here’s an interesting question. What will be a higher number? NFL players arrested this year? Or countries who Edward Snowden will ask for asylum?

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Venezuela has offered asylum to Edward ‎#Snowden. Perhaps not exactly the retirement paradise he was thinking of?

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Oliver Stone called Edward Snowden “a hero.” Translation, he wants first option on the movie rights.

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Brad Stevens said he was “absolutely humbled” by the opportunity to coach the Boston Celtics. If he’s humbled now, wait until he spends a season with NBA prima donnas.

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Jerzy Janowicz, Andy Murray’s opponent in Friday’s Wimbledon semi-final, is from Lodz, Poland. Lodz is pronounced “”woodge” (Seriously.) And we think English is hard.

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Wimbledon men’s semi-final match between Djokovic and del Potro was about 4 hour and 45 minutes long. What did they think this was, a Red Sox-Yankees game?

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Dwight Howard to the ‎Rockets. How long until they figure out “Houston, we have a problem?”
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A seven-car accident near Atlanta very early this morning resulted in five or six of the drivers being charged with DUI’s. A pedestrian who police believe started the chain of wrecks by walking onto Interstate-75 was also charged. Explain to me again why we shouldn’t have let the South secede?.

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Haven’t seen this movie, and am unlikely to do so.  But  great line from my friend Gary Bachman:. “The “Lone Ranger” is so bad that there is an announcement before the movie to please turn ON your cellphones.”

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Tough and tougher.

July 3, 2013

Jamaican runner Novlene Williams-Mills. who won a bronze with her 400m relay in the 2012 Olympics, just revealed she been secretly diagnosed with breast cancer the month before and had a lumpectomy 3 days after the closing ceremony. Weaker sex my a**.

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So Dennis Rodman thinks that after his visit to North Korea he should be a candidate for the Nobel Peace Prize. More like a candidate for the Piece Of Work Prize.

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1. All countries spy. 2. Edward Snowden has made it clear he views it is his mission to expose spying and will use any means at his power to do so. 3. Snowden wants to live in a new country. 4. See #1. 5. Snowden is scr*wed.

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Aaron Hernandez jerseys are now selling for hundreds of dollars on Ebay. To paraphase P.T. Barnum, guess no one also ever went broke underestimating the bad taste of the American public.

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Regarding that New England Patriots offer to trade in Aaron Hernandez jerseys;  T.C. says “The kicker is that you get an Ochocinco one in return.”

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New York City GOP mayoral candidate Joe Lhota just called on Anthony Weiner’s ex-girlfriends to dish dirt so that women “will come to the right conclusion after enough women come out and talk about what it was like to be with him and date him and things like that.” Uh, did Lhota forget that New Yorkers re-elected Giuliani, and voted overwhelming twice for Bill Clinton?

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Iggy Pop, 66, says he has quit stage-diving in his shows. Was this after a number of shows where he dived and couldn’t get up?

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Jennifer Aniston: “I’ll never forget when Justin and I were on a road trip and we were so hungry, “The only thing around was McDonald’s. I think I ordered a Big Mac. Wow, my body did not react well to that! It was like putting gasoline in a purified system.” Even most first-world people are thinking “REALLY-First-World Problems”

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An Ohio day-care operator was arrested and charged with putting Benadryl and Melatonin in kids’ pancakes to get them to sleep. “How awful” said many Americans. “How much did she use?” asked many tired parents.

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So after Rick Perry gets his special legislative session to vote on his abortion bill, will the Texas governor’s next move be to ask his state to declare they are not subject to the 19th amendment?

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There are rumors that Texas Governor Rick Perry might announce another run for President of the United States. Millions of Americans are very excited about this possibility. They’re called “Democrats.”

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The GOP strategy if Hillary Clinton runs for President is reportedly to try to paint her as “old news.” Well, that really ought to boost Jeb Bush.

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Watching Yasiel Puig makes me think maybe a good second half strategy for SF Giants might be to troll waters outside Cuba with a black and orange boat and sign saying saying “Baseball players welcome here.”

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Entitled much? A TripAdvisor review of a 3-star NY hotel booked ON PRICELINE rants how even though she advised a 7a arrival the hotel did not have her room ready at 9a for early check-in.  (And only had it ready an hour before the promised 3pm check-in time.)   Plus they wouldn’t give her Hilton Honours points with the discounted price.  And she got a small, dark room. Hello? ‎#Yougetwhatyoupayfor

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Oh Canada Day, Eh?

July 1, 2013

Happy Canada Day – July 1. Our neighbors to the north have universal healthcare, strict gun control laws and legalized gay marriage about a decade ago. And they seem to be surviving just fine.

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This week, (July 1-3) is the 150th anniversary of the Battle of Gettysburg. Which means in the Senate, they’re bracing for yet another retelling of John McCain’s first hand experiences.

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This “Stunning Upset at Wimbledon” headline is turning into tennis’s version of “Groundhog Day.”

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Open note to future Bachelorettes: In a time when “reality show star” is not an oxymoron, and you have 24 men who supposedly are interested in romance on national tv, you are a fool if you don’t figure up front at least several of them in it for the “wrong reasons.”

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Two defensive starters on Texas A&M’s football team were charged with misdemeanor assault over the weekend. And Roger Goodell is thinking “Thank God they weren’t already drafted.

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Apparently 5 NBA teams are vying to sign Greg Oden. Easier to offer free-agent contract when healthcare costs will be covered by Medicare.

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Edward Snowden is now blaming the Obama administration for making him a “stateless person.” Uh, and Snowden’s running away and refusing to stay in (or return to) the U.S. had nothing to do with it…. Right.

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Tough few weeks for #SFGiants. But finally good news: The #LADodgers are reportedly getting Carlos Marmol from the Chicago Cubs.

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Kansas Rep. Tim Huelskamp introduced legislation late Friday to amend the U.S. Constitution to ban gay marriage. In these tough times, isn’t it great to know that Congress is really focused on the issues that matter most to Americans?

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So with the “new” Yahoo Mail there are regular error messages saying a message cannot be sent, and a draft cannot be saved. Today the function to search old emails is down. Now I see why Marisa Mayer didn’t want people working from home…. using internal mail isn’t a reliable way to communicate.

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Rick Perry is decrying “mob rule” that kept his abortion bill from passing. Now Wendy Davis is saying that’s she’s considering a run for Governor in 2014. Will it be “mob rule” when Texans vote her in and him out?

Of course as my friend Tom Dodd says -” If they support you, they’re “The People”. If they oppose you, they’re a “Mob”.”

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The latest Vegas odds have the Chicago Cubs as 500-1 to win the 2013 World Series. Have to figure whoever decided that was an idealistic Cubs fan.

 

Pierce Brosnan’s daughter, 41, just died from ovarian cancer. Her mother and grandmother died of the same disease. Would Melissa Ethridge still like to criticize Angelina Jolie’s decision?

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This whole Dwight Howard circus is a lot of ado about a guy with the free throw skills of Shaquille O’Neal and the decision-making ability of Brett Favre.

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National Felons League?

June 29, 2013

Arrest number 37 in 2013. Indianapolis Colts safety Joe Lefeged has been arrested on gun-related charges after a traffic stop in Washington, D.C. Is it too soon to start naming an all-prison team?

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When Aaron Hernandez had some issues at Florida, Urban Meyer said that he had rehabilitated the young man with daily Bible study sessions that the then Gator coach conducted personally. Well, that ought to make moms of Ohio State players feel all warm and fuzzy.

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Don’t get me wrong, it’s an awful story about that poor young man in Egypt. But now the U.S. is warning Americans to stay away after an Ohio college student died when he was stabbed by a protester. What, and they should stay here in places like Detroit, Chicago, Los Angeles and Baltimore?

 

 

Paula Deen’s cookbook publisher has now cancelled upcoming volumes. So will a silver lining in this mess be at least a small dip in U.S. heart attacks and obesity rates?

 

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Not “the Onion”: On July 3, The Huntsville Stars, a Milwaukee Brewers Double-A team, have “2nd Amendment Night – fun, food, and firepower.” The game will be free for all NRA members, and fans will have the chance to win one of three guns in a raffle. Maybe not a good night to start an argument in the stands or parking lot?

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Four Vanderbilt football players have been dismissed from the team and suspended from the school over an alleged sex crime in a university dorm. Who says Vandy doesn’t belong in the SEC?

 

–#SFGiants. At some point it is not that a string of opposing pitchers are having great outings. At some point it is that your hitting s*cks.

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Apparently the father of Edward Snowden has offered federal authorities a deal whereby his son would return voluntarily to the United States to face espionage charges. Translation, that Moscow airport transit lounge isn’t quite the dream destination Snowden had in mind when he started all this.

 

Dwight Howard going to meet with the Rockets. Houston, you may be about to have a problem.

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You can’t make this “stuff” up: Now that gay marriages are taking place in California, groups have filed appeals to reinstate the ban against them. One of the groups calls itself the “Alliance Defending Freedom.”

 

 

Alec Baldwin, trying to dig himself out of the latest hole he dug with one of his rants, says that when he called a reporter a “toxic little queen” it wasn’t homophobic. So Baldwin’s defense is that he is equally obnoxious to everyone?

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 Terminal, the sequel?

June 26, 2013

Edward Snowden is apparently  living in a Russian airport transit terminal. Didn’t we already see this movie with Tom Hanks?

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President Obama said today in a speech “”We don’t have time for a meeting of the Flat Earth Society.” And some in the GOP immediately accused him of trying to influence the IRS against granting the Flat Earthers tax-exempt status.

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Apparently Heisman-winning QB Johnny Manziel almost transferred when he was suspended for the 2012 season for being caught in a bar fight with a fake ID.     The suspension was overturned on appeal, aided by a letter from the Texas A & M coach.  Although Manziel did have to take a 6 hour class. Wonder what the class was on? Sports and Criminal Justice?

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So now that the good old boys in Texas think they have rewritten the filibuster rules  (and perhaps altered a time-stamp)  can we at least apply their standards to the GOP in Congress? Then we might actually be able to get some legislation passed.

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Texas Democrats, led by state senator Wendy Davis, who spoke for 13 hours, were filibustering against a bill in Texas that will virtually outlaw abortion in the state. Wonder when they will need another filibuster – against cuts in aid for the resulting children born into poverty?

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The Cubs released reliever Carlos Marmol, who was 2-4 with a 5.86 ERA. Maybe the SF Giants can sign him to work the eighth inning. Based on the last week or two that 5.86 ERA would be an improvement.

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So Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are saying they named their daughter north because she is their “North Star… their highest point together.” Sort of like the “high-water mark of the Confederacy?”

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Wow. ESPN reported this comment about A-Rod Tuesday “Alex should just shut the f— up. That’s it. ” A not perhaps uncommon thought about the Yankees’ one-time star and current problem child. But the speaker?!  New York GM Brian Cashman.

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Forget Syria, the stock market, Snowden… here’s some GOOD news. It was just announced that Paul Giamatti will appear as Cora’s brother in season four of Downton Abbey.”

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Whatever happens with Snowden can we all agree that Booz Allen Hamilton might need to do a better pre-screening future job applicants for sensitive positions?

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This  last was sent to me by a reader, very interesting I think in the current situation with Snowden.

“I went to school in Washington, DC during the Vietnam war.  In 1969 there were protests – the War Moratorium – as it was called.  Many professors gave students off for the day (it was a Wednesday) so that they could attend the march.

My religion professor was a most ethical man, a wonderful teacher and a fine human being.

He did not cancel class and he said that if we cut it would go on our record.  (It was a long time ago -does anyone care if you cut class anymore?)

When he was asked, his reply was – “If this is what you believe in, then the price to be paid by you for your belief is to have an unexcused “cut” on your record.”

He was teaching us, that if you want to act with courage about an injustice – then you should not “buy” your courage, for free – it has to cost you something.

It was a lifelong lesson.”

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Freedom?

June 14, 2013

Edward Snowden’s latest comment today, accusing the U.S. government of trying to “bully” his refuge of Hong Kong. ““My only comment is that I am glad there are governments that refuse to be intimidated by great power.” Ah, yes, China, land of the free and home of the brave….

My friend Jeff Klein posted today how 11% of MLB games this year have gone extra innings….some deep into extra innings. If this happened in the NFL you know they’d find a way to charge more for it.

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And in fact, the NFL has decided to ban large purses, backpacks, coolers etc at games this season, limiting fans to one clear bag no larger than 12″ by 6″ by 12″, and a small clutch bag. Well, this MAY keep fans safer, but it will definitely will make fans need to buy more food/drink at the stadiums.

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All sarcasm aside, so Phil Mickelson, who missed some practice this week to return from Pennsylvania to California for his daughter’s 8th grade graduation, is one shot off the lead in the U.S. Open with a -3 for the day. Wonder if this is God’s way of saying “Well played, Phil, Well played.”

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Police in Leicester, England credit their bust of a pot factory, with seven arrests, from smelling marijuana when they rolled down car windows on patrol to get fresh air when an officer passed gas. Forget doughnuts, sounds like to really fight crime, police need to spend more time at Taco Bell.

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The LA Dodgers and AZ Diamondbacks played a brawl-free game Wednesday after Tuesday’s melee. But reliever Ronald Belisario said of the hostilities – “It’s not done.” The Dodgers’ season on the other hand….

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NY Jets coach Rex Ryan is already ranting about the team’s wide receivers for dropping passes in minicamp. Waiting to see how he’s going to blame this one on Tebow.

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In Japan, the Nippon Professional Baseball league just admitted 60 games into the season that they are using a new livelier baseball which has resulted in more home runs. Once Selig gets this Biogenesis ball rolling expect to see him on a plane to Japan…

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One dead, at least 77 injured in today’s chemical plant explosion in Louisiana. And no word yet on the cause. But just guessing it wasn’t excessive government regulation.  

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Rupert Murdoch, 82, and his wife Wendy Deng, 44, are divorcing. Wonder if he found a younger woman.

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Wow, a TSA agent with a sense of humor. Harried mom with a baby traveling solo, everyone trying to help, and she dutifully shows the agent her baby food packets. He says “Sorry, we don’t accept pureed broccoli and carrots.   (long pause) … only peas.” First smiles I’ve seen in ages in a security line. Including from mom when she figured out he was kidding.
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From T.C.  “The Boston Bruins are in the Stanley Cup. The Boston Red Sox have the best record in the American League. So the top story in Beantown newspapers? Tebow signs with Pats.”

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Armed and dangorous?

June 13, 2013

The L.A. Times says that the Dodgers and Diamondbacks will open the 2014 season….in Sydney. Presumably the Aussies asked that MLB send their best rugby teams?

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First the Padres, now the Diamondbacks. Is a bench-clearer with the Giants next? Los Angeles Dodgers quickly becoming the top team in Major League Basebrawl.

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Another thought on Tuesday night’s #basebrawl This might be the most coverage ever the Dodgers and Diamondbacks are getting on #ESPN.

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So since Newtown, some states (South Dakota, Alabama, Arizona and Kansas) have enacted laws allowing teachers to carry guns on school campuses. (Texas already allowed it with school approval.) Well, this ought to liven up salary contract negotiations.

 

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Edward Snowden says he’s going to stay put because he has “faith in Hong Kong’s rule of law.” So he’s going to fight what he perceives as a tyrannical, controlling and intrusive U.S. government from what a “special administrative region” of the People’s Republic of China.

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Arizona Congressman Trent Franks in an abortion debate yesterday “The incidence of rape resulting in pregnancy are very low.” Reminding many women again, even if the Obama administration were reading or hearing EVERYTHING you write or say, it could be worse.

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Roger Goodell, defending the Washington Redskins name. “For the team’s millions of fans and customers, who represent one of America’s most ethnically and geographically diverse fan bases, the name is a unifying force that stands for strength, courage, pride and respect.” Leaving aside the “most diverse” line, “strength, courage, pride and respect?” Has Goodell watched the team play for the last decade?

 

 

 

The latest tabloid turn in the Kardashian saga is a 24 year-old young woman saying she’s been sleeping with Kanye West while Kim is pregnant. Meanwhile, some in America are still crying how the worst thing that can happen to a baby is to be raised by a loving gay couple…..

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Betty White, 91, says she eats a hot dog for lunch every day, and keeps Red Vines at in her dressing room at all times. No wonder she looks so good – regular doses of preservatives.

 

 

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The first game of the Stanley Cup Finals went THREE overtimes. To put that in Chicago perspective, the Blackhawks’ 4-3 win took longer than the Cubs remained in contention this season.

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For the first time since 2005, more Americans view George W. Bush positively than negatively. Which just goes to show again, that one of the truest song lyrics ever written was “Could it be that it was all so simple then, or has time rewritten every line…?”

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Commercial:. “Over 60% of America shops at Walmart every month.” Forget party politics…. we may have the real reason why this country is FUBAR’ed.

 

“This is almost airline worthy”  rant of the day:   Run a big ad with 14-day cruises to Canada from Boston, when they’re actually two  7 day cruises back to back with the SAME PORTS, just in a different direction. (Boston-Quebec-Boston)  Thanks, Holland America……

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And yes, we are a LONG way from over.  But just in case the Spurs do hang on and win this, is it too soon to trademark the phrase #TheHeatisGone?”

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Not so Gentle Readers?

June 11, 2013

Hmm… so WordPress gives me a count every day of the number of people reading this blog. Wonder if NSA is included?

 

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Interesting how so many people who are upset about the government knowing what phone #s you call have no problem at all with email companies actually reading your email and targeting you with ads based on them. For starters.

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Leaving aside the larger issue of the PRISM program that Edward Snowden exposed, anyone but me just a bit uneasy how a high school dropout who didn’t finish Army basic training went from being a security guard at NSA to a high level contractor with top security clearance?

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Really? TSA stopped actor Peter Mayhew, Chewbacca in the Star Wars movies, when he was returning from ComicCon for using a cane that looked like a light saber. They finally let him on the plane. #Maythefarcebewithyou

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After Chad Johnson playfully smacked his attorney on the butt today in court, an angry judge rejected a no-jail plea deal and sentenced the former NFL star to 30 days in jail for a probation violation. Talk about a penalty for excessive celebration.

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So now JaMarcus Russell has taken his NFL comeback efforts to Baltimore. Where no doubt Ravens fans are thinking “Nevermore.”

 

–Eight elderly women who had hired a limo for a friend’s 96th birthday escaped unharmed Sunday when that limousine caught fire. Wonder if the fire started with the left blinker overheating from being left on.

 

Obama administration official are saying they had 22 separate briefings/meetings for Congress about NSA’s monitoring of Americans. The audacity! They actually expect Congress to pay attention in meetings?

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Glee star Jane Lynch and her wife, Dr. Lara Embry are divorcing after only about 2 1/2 years after their wedding. Well, guess it’s some kind of equality when gay celebrities can make marriage choices that are as bad as the straight ones.

 

Got to love it, so “Bachelorette”, a show reportedly about finding a soulmate, marrying and living happily after, is followed immediately on ABC by “Mistresses.”

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Sergio Garcia and Tiger Woods shook hands today at the U.S. Open. Thereby disappointing millions of Americans who really wanted to see a version of “Celebrity Boxing.”

 

Open note to SF Giants fans worried about Los Angeles’ new star Yasiel Puig: He does appear to be an awesome talent. On the other hand, it’s still the same old Dodger bullpen….

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