Posted tagged ‘Wimbledon jokes’

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Jolly good show.

July 6, 2014

That Djokovic Federer #Wimbledon2014 final lasted longer than many celebrity marriages.

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Roger Federer and Novak Djokovic both spoke during the awards ceremony after Wimbledon final. Nothing but class. Maybe they should record the ceremony and commentary as a training video for athletes in some other sports.

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And Wimbledon always brings to mind some of my favorite bathroom graffiti, seen years ago in London, on the side of the stall  – “Wimbledon spectator practice, see other wall.”  And of course on the other side-.  “Wimbledon spectator practice, see other wall.”

 

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Boris Diaw announced via Twitter that he is returning to the Spurs. After no rumors or public discussions with other teams. Once again, San Antonio falls down in the drama department.

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In two separate July 4 incidents in Northern California,  three people had part or all of their hands blown off while handling personal fireworks. Isn’t it redundant for the media to report all three people were men?

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Oops. the Houston Astros single-A affliliate Lancaster JetHawks had fireworks night Saturday, and ended up lighting the outfield wall on fire. (This after another fireworks accident in 2013.) Guess it’s not just their players who aren’t quite ready for the big leagues.

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Nelson Cruz was voted to start the All-Star Game a year after his 50-game PED suspension. If Cruz wins the game’s MVP award will Bud Selig smile and shake his hand by invoking the ABB “Anyone But Bonds” clause?.

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Buck Showalter, responding to Red Sox pitcher John Lackey’s insinuations about Nelson Cruz and PED’s, said that Lackey should be “careful” and look at his own team. Wonder which “Big” hitter the Orioles manager was referring to?

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Most amazing thing about the Brandon McCarthy to the Yankees trade? The Diamondbacks will still pay most of McCarthy’s 2014 salary. #Richgetricher

 

From T.C.. “Most of the Italian, Spanish and Portuguese players promised they’d be back for the 2016 Summer Olympics.  Of course then they’ll be competing in men’s diving.”

Most of the World Cup Italian, Spanish and Portuguese players promised they’ll be back in 2016 for the Summer Olympics. Of course, they will then be representing their countries in Men’s Diving.

Comedy writer TC Chong of Vancouver (http://alwaysfunny.co

– See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/hartley-millers-hart-attack-july-4-2014-edition-478/#sthash.XbeHZGZK.dpuf

Most of the World Cup Italian, Spanish and Portuguese players promised they’ll be back in 2016 for the Summer Olympics. Of course, they will then be representing their countries in Men’s Diving.

Comedy writer TC Chong of Vancouver (http://alwaysfunny.co

– See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/hartley-millers-hart-attack-july-4-2014-edition-478/#sthash.XbeHZGZK.dpuf

Most of the World Cup Italian, Spanish and Portuguese players promised they’ll be back in 2016 for the Summer Olympics. Of course, they will then be representing their countries in Men’s Diving.

Comedy writer TC Chong of Vancouver (http://alwaysfunny.co

– See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/hartley-millers-hart-attack-july-4-2014-edition-478/#sthash.XbeHZGZK.dpuf

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Not so Tidy – Whities?

June 28, 2014

Apparently Wimbledon is enforcing the all white clothing rule so tightly this year and some women players have have to remove their colored undergarments and go braless. Is this too much tradition, or a shameless grab for television ratings?

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President Obama on the GOP. They “don’t do anything but block me and call me names.” And John Boehner said “Okay, who leaked our mission statement?”

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Tiger Woods has missed the cut  for the Quicken Loan Tournament. Which means golf ratings this weekend will be almost as high as those of the  World Cup in the US after Tuesday  if Belgium wins.

 

Randy Moss has been hired as an associate football coach by his son’s high school. Not sure exactly what the former NFL star is supposed to teach the kids. But pretty sure it isn’t humility.

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ABC has fired Sherri Shepherd and Jenny McCarthy from “The View.” Many women are thinking “How terrible.” Many men are thinking “Who?”

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Really? There’s now a Kim Kardashian video game?! Assume the goal is to make a big a** of yourself? #KimKardashianHollywood

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ESPN had a spoiler alert – basically that the second ranked woman in the world was knocked out at Wimbledon. To be a real spoiler don’t people have to know who the #2 woman in the world is?

 

A marijuana food truck plans to open soon in Everett, a suburb of Seattle, Washington. Talk about a symbiotic operation.

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Fred Dicker, a NY Post columnist, referred to a white state senator as a “spear chucker” for the New York City Democratic delegation, which is mostly black. And then said it was not a racial slur. Right. Will Dicker then suggest “spear chuckers” for a new name for Washington’s football team?

 

Joaquin Arias is 1 for 18 as a pinch-hitter for the #SFGiants. That’s not a “pinch-hitter”, that’s a “pinch-outter.”

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Clients called saying they would be late to an appointment at our office. They were lost because their GPS had broken. If only there were an inexpensive, simple, portable way to get directions. #Imissmaps

 

One of the Miss America contestants this September was originally the runner-up, and only found out she won her state pageant 6 days later, when organizers realized a vote count error, and dethroned the original winner. You guessed it, Miss Florida.

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Wonder if the new Miss Florida was crowned by the Supreme Court?

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A federal judge upheld Colorado’s new gun laws that mandate background checks for all gun sales and limited the capacity of ammunition magazines. From the ruling; “Of the many law enforcement officials called to testify, none were able to identify a single instance in which they were involved where a single civilian fired more than 15 shots in self defense.” Common sense, what a concept.

 

 

And finally a no snark item for a change.

 

Apparently actress Amy Adams, who had a 1st class seat on American Airlines, saw a uniformed soldier at the gate and quietly got the flight attendant to switch their seats so Ms. Adams ended up in coach. Wow. A celebrity making news that doesn’t involve an arrest, a wardrobe malfunction or a sex tape. Very well played, Amy,

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Well played, and volleyed.

July 7, 2013

Congrats to Andy Murray. First British winner of Wimbledon since 1936. Or as Cubs fans call that – “Only Yesterday.”

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Just how much does Murray’s ‎#Wimbledon win mean in Britain? If William & Kate’s baby was born Sunday night  it might have been only the  2nd story on the news.

(my friend Rick suggests, and it might have had to been named Andy.)

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There were a lot more Los Angeles Dodgers fans at A T and T Park in San Francisco yesterday than there appeared to be Djokovic fans at Wimbledon.

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It was 86 degrees today at Wimbledon, wondering where the Mad Dogs were?

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The Green Bay Packers now say they want to retire Brett Favre’s jersey no later than the 2016 season. Or presumably sooner, so he doesn’t un-retire again.

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Now it’s Eliot Spitzer on the comeback trail, apparently running for New York City Comptroller. So if he and Anthony Weiner win assume the city goes from an “I LOVE NY” tourism campaign to “I LUST NY”?

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Also in the “You can’t make this ‘stuff’ up” dept – one of Spitzer’s opponents is his former madam.  Really.  Kristin Davis.  Running as a Libertarian.

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Random serious thought after yesterday’s Asiana crash. I know it’s all about the money, but wonder if U.S. airlines might actually now stop allowing elderly or frail looking travelers to purchase exit row seats.

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New Orleans Saints coach Sean Payton caddied for Ryan Palmer this weekend at the Greenbrier Classic. Have to figure other golfers on the PGA tour were hoping Payton would put bounties on some of those clowns yelling “Get in the Hole.”

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NY Giants LB Dan Connor was arrested today when TSA agents found a 4-inch switchblade knife in his carry-on bag. And the NFL is thinking “At least it wasn’t a gun.”

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Some good news today from A T and T Park. The SF Giants didn’t win, but they broke up Clayton Kershaw’s no-hitter in the first inning.  And they batted in the right order.

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Oh Canada Day, Eh?

July 1, 2013

Happy Canada Day – July 1. Our neighbors to the north have universal healthcare, strict gun control laws and legalized gay marriage about a decade ago. And they seem to be surviving just fine.

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This week, (July 1-3) is the 150th anniversary of the Battle of Gettysburg. Which means in the Senate, they’re bracing for yet another retelling of John McCain’s first hand experiences.

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This “Stunning Upset at Wimbledon” headline is turning into tennis’s version of “Groundhog Day.”

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Open note to future Bachelorettes: In a time when “reality show star” is not an oxymoron, and you have 24 men who supposedly are interested in romance on national tv, you are a fool if you don’t figure up front at least several of them in it for the “wrong reasons.”

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Two defensive starters on Texas A&M’s football team were charged with misdemeanor assault over the weekend. And Roger Goodell is thinking “Thank God they weren’t already drafted.

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Apparently 5 NBA teams are vying to sign Greg Oden. Easier to offer free-agent contract when healthcare costs will be covered by Medicare.

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Edward Snowden is now blaming the Obama administration for making him a “stateless person.” Uh, and Snowden’s running away and refusing to stay in (or return to) the U.S. had nothing to do with it…. Right.

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Tough few weeks for #SFGiants. But finally good news: The #LADodgers are reportedly getting Carlos Marmol from the Chicago Cubs.

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Kansas Rep. Tim Huelskamp introduced legislation late Friday to amend the U.S. Constitution to ban gay marriage. In these tough times, isn’t it great to know that Congress is really focused on the issues that matter most to Americans?

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So with the “new” Yahoo Mail there are regular error messages saying a message cannot be sent, and a draft cannot be saved. Today the function to search old emails is down. Now I see why Marisa Mayer didn’t want people working from home…. using internal mail isn’t a reliable way to communicate.

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Rick Perry is decrying “mob rule” that kept his abortion bill from passing. Now Wendy Davis is saying that’s she’s considering a run for Governor in 2014. Will it be “mob rule” when Texans vote her in and him out?

Of course as my friend Tom Dodd says -” If they support you, they’re “The People”. If they oppose you, they’re a “Mob”.”

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The latest Vegas odds have the Chicago Cubs as 500-1 to win the 2013 World Series. Have to figure whoever decided that was an idealistic Cubs fan.

 

Pierce Brosnan’s daughter, 41, just died from ovarian cancer. Her mother and grandmother died of the same disease. Would Melissa Ethridge still like to criticize Angelina Jolie’s decision?

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This whole Dwight Howard circus is a lot of ado about a guy with the free throw skills of Shaquille O’Neal and the decision-making ability of Brett Favre.

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Not exactly winning.

June 24, 2013

Singer Chris Brown has again been accused of assault. allegedly shoving a woman to the ground at a Southern California nightclub on Saturday night. So congratulations to all those who had June 22 in the pool.

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Today starts the George Zimmerman trial in Orlando. Whatever happens, Americans should feel confident that justice will be served, because they had had the Casey Anthony trial there, and we know how well that turned out… Oops, never mind.

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Lots of tennis fans were upset that Rafael Nadal was a 5 seed at Wimbledon. Guess they were right. He should have been lower.

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Not looking good for Aaron Hernandez as the murder investigation continues. Starting to look like the Patriots’ TE best hope would be to get the LAPD involved in the case.

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Congrats to UCLA, in the College World Series, and winners of game one against Mississippi State. Well, at least one Southern California team is seeing 2013 postseason action.

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In honor of the Chicago Blackhawks, the Cubs put in lights on their stadium Monday night “2013 Stanley Cup Champions.”  Might be the only time in many people’s lifetimes they will see the word “Champions” at Wrigley Field.

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Rough night in Boston. #Bruins just pulled off a collapse so fast and awful you figured Bill Buckner had to be involved.

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Newly released documents show the IRS also targeted groups seeking tax-exempt status with terms including “Israel,” ”Progressive” and “Occupy.” Out of habit, the GOP blamed Obama.

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In Paris, a 52 year old mother was arrested and her daughter may be banned from taking official exams for 5 years, after the woman attempted to take the French equivalent of the SAT for her daughter. “How awful.” responded some American parents. “Great idea, needed better execution” responded others.

(As my friend Jim McCann says,  “That could never happen in the U.S., I mean really, what parent can pass high school math?”)

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NY Giants WR Brandon Collins has been suspended without pay for the first four games of the 2013 season for violating the NFL Policy and Program for Substances of Abuse. Four whole games. Wow. Well, at least he didn’t do anything really bad like wearing the wrong color shoes or criticizing officials..

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Rays’ pitcher Alex Cobb, who was hit in the ear by a batted ball and got a concussion on June 15 now simply thinks pitchers should have the option to wear headgear. Adding “I don’t want it to turn into something where every pitcher on the mound has to wear something. That’s everybody’s personal choice.” This idea is so reasonable I’m sure Bud Selig will find a reason against it.

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Sorry folks in Dodger Stadium; real baseball fans do not do the wave. #wavefail

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Edward Snowden is getting really serious about staying out of sight. Rumor has it he’s even talked to NBC about a place on their summer schedule.

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Former Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi, 76, was convicted today of paying for sex with an underage prostitutes and then trying to cover it up. He was sentenced to 7 years, and barred from public office for life. Did the court figure Italians would elect him again otherwise?

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Women’s work?

July 8, 2012

The Yankees’ Mark Texiera has accused Red Sox reliever Vincente Padilla of headhunting. Padilla’s response “I think, maybe (he) picked the wrong profession. I think he’d be better off playing a women’s sport. Guessing Padilla has never watched women’s rugby or roller derby.

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For that matter,  Nordstrom’s  has just asked Texiera if he’d like to attend opening day of their next shoe sale.

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Ernest Borgnine has passed away at the age of 95. You might have been a teenager in the 70s if you think maybe in heaven he’s already swimming again with Shelley Winters.

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A concert in Pyongyang for new leader Kim Jong Un featured performers dressed as Mickey Mouse, Tigger and other Disney characters. Does this signal a softening in North Korean relations with the West? Or is it just a step towards using “It’s a Small World” as a torture device.

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Donald Trump will be recognized as the 2012 Statesman of the Year by the Sarasota, FL, Republican Party next month. No, this is not from the Onion.

-Wimbledon mens final Sunday was at 2p London time:  The response in the US ?    “Let’s see if Andy Murray can win for the UK – 10%; “Let’s see if Switzerlands’s Roger Federer can win his 7th title – 10%; “There’s no American involved, screw it, I’m sleeping in.” – 80%.

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George Zimmerman is reportedly in a “safe house” in Florida. Presumably his security team also brings him things like iced tea and Skittles.

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John Boehner recently said the American people “probably aren’t going to fall in love with Mitt Romney.” True dat. Heck, Boehner himself may not shed a tear if Romney loses in November.

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Is there some rule that Yankees-Red Sox games must go at least 3 1/2 hours?

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A live political debate in Jordan ended when one of the participants pulled out a gun. Well, that would be one way to increase television ratings for debates in the U.S.

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At the first day’s running of the bulls in Pamplona, Spain, one man was gored, and another was dragged by a bull. According to CNN, the dragged runner was from Japan, and their “gender was not immediately released.” Uh, let me guess.

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Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are apparently negotiating a divorce settlement instead of going to court. Translation, they’re trying to figure out a number high enough for Katie to keep her mouth shut.

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Vikings RB Adrian Peterson was arrested Saturday night on a resisting arrest charge. Yet another NFL player wanting a trade to the Bengals?

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Be careful what you wish for department:    Have to wonder, did anyone connected with the San Diego Fireworks fizzle say they thought their show should be the most watched in the country? If so, they did at least get their wish – over 4 million Youtube views now alone!

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Dude, where’s my rifle?

June 30, 2011

A good day for the “You can’t make this ‘stuff’ up department.  In Seattle, police are investigating how an assault rifle was accidentally left on the trunk of a patrol car parked downtown.

Said a police spokesman on SeattlePI.com   “We’d really like to express our gratitude to the tipper who flagged down the bike officers  (and posted a picture online) and also a separate woman who alerted the driver of the patrol car that there was an unattended rifle on the car.”

No word yet as to whether or not the rifle was loaded. Does sort of put losing cellphones and umbrellas in perspective.

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Another day, another upset at Wimbledon. Which would be more upsetting to American sports fans if there were any Americans left to upset.

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Charlie Sheen now says he took steroids during the filming of “Major League” to get his fastball up to 85mph. Can you imagine if Tim Wakefield took steroids? His fastball might hit 50.

 

In California, controller John Chiang cut off lawmakers’ salaries last week until they came up with a balanced budget.  And lo and behold, after months of deliberation it took about six days until the Legislature finally passed such a budget.

Hmm. Wonder if we can loan Chiang for a week or two to Washington D.C?

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Tiger Woods has apparently signed an endorsement deal with a Japanese company to promote a heat rub. Well, guess they figure based on the stories of the past couple years, Tiger’s an expert on heat and rubs.

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Myspace put out a press release saying they had sold themselves to a company called “Specific Media” for $35 Million. This news came as a major shock to many Americans, who didn’t realize Myspace still existed.

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Wonder if Myspace posted the announcement of their sale on Facebook?

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Brad Womack, the most recent “Bachelor” and his fiancee Emily Maynard have broken up. “What a shame” said about ten million women and two men.

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From Bill Littlejohn:  “Libya’s Moammar Gaddafi could fall within two to three months, the International Criminal Court’s prosecutor said on Tuesday.Longer, if a judge approves the leader’s deal with Fox”
 
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A Toronto newspaper, the Sun, is reporting that by the time he died, John Lennon had become a Ronald Reagan fan and Republican.  Maybe that means Lennon  wrote that famous song for his vegetarian friend Paul McCartney, and the lyric really was “All we are saying, is give peas a chance.”

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Commie pinko time:

Current taxes on the wealthiest Americans are lower than Clinton or even Reagan. But John Boehner stated after Obama’s news conference. “The president is sorely mistaken if he believes a bill to raise the debt ceiling and raise taxes would pass the House.” I think I’m turning into a bigot; at least as far as becoming prejudiced against orange people.

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LA LA land?

June 28, 2011

The Los Angeles Dodgers declared bankruptcy today. So does this really make them “America’s Team?”

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Frank McCourt stated that despite the bankruptcy, for the Dodgers it would be “business as usual.”  That’s what real fans are afraid of.

Picture from my friend Daniel Silveira.

New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez divulged that he has been playing through a secret knee injury, which he says he suffered a week ago while pivoting. Wonder which mirror he was in front of at the time?

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Meanwhile, on Tuesday in Wrigley Field, number 75 takes the mound for the SF Giants for the first time since April 16. Hard to believe – all that torture in the past 2 1/2 months, and Barry Zito was nowhere in sight.

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Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was convicted Monday on 17 of the 20 public corruption charges against him. Blago’s biggest mistake? Deciding to commit high-profile crimes in Illinois instead of Los Angeles.

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A former Citigroup V.P., Gary Foster, has been arrested and charged with charged with embezzling $19 million by transferring money from various Citibank accounts to his personal account at another bank. Great. Commit financial crimes against individuals, get arrested. Commit financial crimes against an entire country, get a bail out.

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Serena and Venus Williams both eliminated at Wimbledon. Who do these sisters think they are? American men?

But really, Americans are out of Wimbledon, and now off the leader board at most PGA events. Baseball may yet again be the “Great American Pastime” – it’s the only summer sport we’re still any good at.

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Fox News’s Chris Wallace now says he “messed up” by asking Michelle Bachmann whether she’s a “flake.” Apparently the network got an angry request for an apology – from Kellogg’s.

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Michelle Bachmann has already mixed up Lexington, MA and Lexington, NH. Today she said, “John Wayne was from Waterloo, Iowa. That’s the kind of spirit that I have, too.” Except that the John Wayne from Waterloo was serial killer John Wayne Gacy, executed in 1994 for 33 murders. Think out of all those Gingrich staffers that quit Bachmann could find a good fact-checker?

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How the mighty have fallen…

June 25, 2010

The defending World Cup champions didn’t even make it out of the first round. This is one of the most embarrassing things that has ever happened to Italy, well, without Catholic priests involved.

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The Netherlands will take a perfect 3-0 record into the round of 16 at the World Cup. Which means group E will go down in history as the “Dutch Crunch.”
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Americans are apparently now actually starting to tune into the World Cup. So the real winner when Donovan scored that late goal against Algeria? ESPN.

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Apparently the U.S.-Algeria match broke records for Americans watching on Espn.com. Which considering that the match was during the work day, could have gotten a lot of people fired. Assuming they had jobs to be fired from.

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The Isner-Mahut match lasted three days. That’s longer than Britney Spears’ first marriage.

(although for any British readers, shorter than a cricket test match.)

John Isner 70 – Nicholas Mahut 68. Give the Frenchman credit. He lasted longer than his country did in World War II.

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A California couple was arrested for allegedly trying to sell their 6-month-old baby for $25 outside a Walmart store. They were charged both with child endangerment and illegally undercutting Walmart prices.

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The former Bachelor and his former fiancee, Jake Pavelka and Vienna Girardi, deny that they basically are nothing but shallow publicity hounds. And they further announced they will sit down for joint interviews to explain their breakup on the Bachelorette, and of course other interested shows.

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Toy Story 3 has grossed over $100 million already. This gives the movie the record for the most profit ever made from artificially-created figures since the last Los Angeles plastic surgeons’ convention.

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Let’s hope the iPhone 4 craze slows down before next Friday’s opening of “Eclipse,” the latest Twilight movie. Otherwise it could be really scary with those potentially intersecting long lines. Some of these people could actually meet and mate.

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Inspired by Jerry Perisho, who suggested that since Carly Simon is turning 65 this weekend, that the song “Nobody does it better” is now the theme song for Metamucil.

Now the reason Carly has “No Secrets,” is she can’t remember them anymore.

And Simon is working on a remake of a hit – now dedicated to her women friends – “You’re so Varicose Veined.”

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Northern California has started toll carpool lanes, so drivers will be able to buy their way into the fast lanes. They got the idea from Meg Whitman, who hopes to buy her way into the fast lane all the way to Sacramento.

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It keeps going, and going, and going…

June 24, 2010

By the time you read this, the Wimbledon match that would not end, may have ended. Or maybe not.

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The Wimbledon match between John Isner and Nicolas Mahut is heading into its third day. And it will go down in history as one of the most seemingly endless events ever. The players may not get an invitation to meet President Obama, but they’ve already received an offer to chat with Joe Biden.

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John Isner and Nicholas Mahut had their 10 hour plus match at Wimbledon suspended Wednesday night due to darkness, with the fifth set tied 59-59. (No, that’s not a typo.) Whoever wins, they both should be looking at serious endorsement contracts with Energizer.

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As the longest match in Wimbledon history went over 100 games in the fifth set, many occasional tennis fans had one question – “At what point do they go to penalty kicks?”
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Stephen Strasburg made his fourth start today for the Washington Nationals against the Kansas City Royals. Following starts against the Pirates, Indians and White Sox. So he should be about ready to start facing some major league hitting.

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Prince Albert of Monaco has finally announced his engagement to a Olympic swimmer. Many of his subjects are shocked, not only is he finally getting married, he’s marrying a woman.

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Former President Clinton is in South Africa lobbying to try to bring the 2018 World Cup to the U.S. If he really wants to increase our country’s bid chances, just make a two word promise: “No Vuvuzelas!”

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The U.S. advanced in the World Cup with a goal in stoppage time. “This is fantastic” said most Americans – “What’s stoppage time?”

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U.S. sports talk radio is amazing. Two ties and a 1-0 win have somehow turned into world domination.

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The San Jose Sharks decided not to offer goalie Evgenie Nabokov a contract for next season. Maybe Nabokov should consider signing with the Maple Leafs. It would be one way to avoid playoff stress and pressure.
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Well, we’ve finally found something big enough to cover the BP oil leak – General Stanley McChrystal’s mouth.

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from Bill Littlejohn: “On Thursday, Queen Elizabeth II is due to make her first Wimbledon appearance in over 30 years.The last time she was there, she threw out the first ball that started the match between John Isner and Nicolas Mahut”

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and from Marc Ragovin:

So fans thronged the streets of Los Angeles earlier this week, as the Lakers celebrated their 16th NBA championship. Not to be outdone, some Clippers fans gathered at a local Bob’s Big Boy to reminisce about the team’s really crisp shootaround on February 18.

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