Posted tagged ‘SF Giants jokes’

Giant downer.

June 18, 2017

 

In a good year for SF Giants it’s every day a different hero. In 2017 it’s every day a different goat.

Will all these  Giants fans who have been saying “It could be worse” please stop.

But at least the SF Giants didn’t give away their entire farm system to get  Melancon last year before the playoffs.

This SF Giants  season would be so much easier to take if there were a big name number 1 draft pick at the end of it.

Oops.  When Brooks Koepka won the US Open, he kissed his girlfriend. And Joe Buck identified her as Becky Edwards. Except Edwards was his OLD girlfriend, he is currently dating Jena Sims.   Normally when Buck is that embarrassing, baseball is involved. #wannagetaway #whatthebuck

 

 

Jim Harbaugh will make Barack & Michelle Obama honorary captains for Michigan home game. Standby for “Loser Wolverines” tweets in 3.2.1.

25 people injured, some critically when a deck collapsed at a Montana resort. Regulations may kill jobs, but a lack of regulations can kill people.

Remember when Bill Clinton was criticized for “selling” the Lincoln Bedroom? Trump at least won’t do that, makes more $$$ from his hotels.

North Korea’s state-run news agency claimed US officials, “literally mugged” its delegation at JFK by “forcibly” taking away “a diplomatic package from the delegation by an illegal and heinous act of provocation.”
So what happened, did TSA confiscate Kim Jong-Un’s favorite shampoo?

Cuba now has more than half a million people who are working independently outside the state-run economy, with restaurants, AirBnb etc. Now independent American travelers won’t be able to visit the island, only rich people on expensive tours.
And Trump says his actions will benefit the Cuban people with a straight face.

Sorry, if you’re offended by Shakespeare you should also be offended by Caitlin Jenner joking that “liberals can’t even shoot straight.”

 

We didn’t need #FinsburyParkMosque attack to show us terrorism is terrorism, regardless of religion or beliefs. But it’s a sad reminder.

 

Super and not so super teams.

June 15, 2017

Kevin Durant is insisting Warriors are not a “super team.” Does that mean they want to sign another All-Star for next season?

Jerry West  leaving Warriors for Clippers. Maybe he wants a challenge. Or maybe West just wants to start taking the month of June off.

 

Have been making sarcastic comments about SF Giants looking like 1962 Mets. At this point the 1962 Mets are looking like an upgrade.

 

Still,  why baseball is greatest game, example #3425. In blowout game against Rockies, SF Giants forced to pinch-hit starting pitcher forced to pinch-hit Ty Blach & he gets RBI single.

 

Why baseball is greatest game, example #3426.  SF Giants come back to tie 9-9 being down 9-1 against Rockies  &  Jeff Samardzija pinch hits.

And then the Giants lose, 10-9.  The best of times, the worst of times.

The NCAA D1 Committee on Infractions has put Louisville’s men’s basketball team on probation and suspended coach Rick Pitino for 5 games over a sex-for-pay scandal – “Without dispute, NCAA rules do not allow institutional staff members to arrange for stripteases and sex acts for prospects, enrolled student-athletes and/or those who accompany them to campus,”
Wonder how many other programs are thinking ‘Uh oh.”

Thinking of all those workplace signs “X days without an accident.” Maybe we need to start a national sign “X days without a mass shooting.”

 

No fatalities, fortunately, but 10 people injured today in Midtown Manhattan when a driver lost control of her SUV at a light and jumped a curb. Another reminder that not traveling is no guarantee of safety, and carpe diem.

Trump tweet today” You are witnessing the single greatest WITCH HUNT in American political history.” Well, just guessing he never made a campaign stop in Salem.

Someone should remind @realDonaldTrump that in real witch hunts they threw you in water to see if you drowned. Investigations are nothing.

 

A Secret Service officer who was blocking a street for Trump’s motorcade suffered minor injuries when a car drove into him. Terrorist? Nope, according to reports an Uber driver in a hurry….

 

Russian lobbyist Richard Burt says he did indeed attend dinners hosted by Jeff Sessions, contradicting the AG’s testimony. This whole Trump administration is turning into a he said- he, he, he, he, he, and he said story.

Trump apparently plans to reverse President Obama’s travel policy to Cuba. In a statement – “Further changes will depend entirely on the Cuban government’s willingness to expand the Cuban people’s political freedom, respect their universal rights, and allow freedom of press as well as free and fair democratic elections.”
Did they type that last phrase with a straight face?

Well, a nice statement to pass on for a change “There is so much you do that I disagree with. But you have long since earned my respect, and you deserve to be heard, and you are an honorable individual.” GOP Texas Rep. Jeb Hensarling to DEM California Rep. Maxine Waters.

While we talk about ratcheting down the hate in this country, a good place to start might be in honoring Crystal Griner, the Capitol policewoman who helped take down the Virginia gunman and no doubt saved lives, while being shot and injured herself.
Ms. Griner is married, to another woman. #Chooselove

 

Rant time. First, I hope Steve Scalise recovers fully. No one should be shot over politics. Although I find his past efforts for a constitutional amendment against gay marriage, and a fight to exempt states from now honoring them, to be abhorrent. But some conservatives might question why I posted about the fact that one of the police officers who saved Steve Scalise’s is a black lesbian married woman. It’s not just “identity politics” or even the appreciation of irony.
Here’s a simple statement. Crystal Griner herself was shot. Without gay marriage, her WIFE might not be able to visit her in the hospital. That is wrong. That is all.

No fuzz on that

June 8, 2017

 

Hard to remember that not so long ago there was the concept of a “slow news week.”

Maybe it’s just me but “Lordy I hope there are tapes” doesn’t seem like the kind of comment a liar would make.

Could the 25th amendment apply to Senators? #JohnMcCain

Waiting for Spicer’s claim Trump asked everyone to leave room while he talked to Comey because he wanted them to have a beautiful cake break

John McCain referred to “President Comey.” And a whole lot of Americans are thinking “We could do worse.”

 

John McCain’s latest comment is really shocking. You mean ANYONE stays up late to watch a Padres-Dbacks game?

 

John McCain later said “my line of questioning today went over people’s heads…” Too much covfefe?

Russia interfered w/ our election, President is a liar and directed FBI director to let Flynn investigation go. But her emails…

And Comey gives those of us who love British History a moment “Will no one rid me of this meddlesome priest?”

Trump quoting the Bible at Faith and Freedom Coalition’s conference. Does anyone think he’s actually read it?

 

While everyone was watching #ComeyDay, GOP in House voted to kill Dodd-Frank. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence.

MLB asked the SF Giants to pull an auction fo Hunter Strickland’s used jersey from the game he ended up brawling with Bryce Harper, because “items auctioned cannot be in bad taste.”
“Bad taste.” Right, and that’s why ESPN & MLB TV spent more time airing footage of the brawl than anything else the SF Giants have done all season.

Baseball is the greatest game, but it still doesn’t seem right that Mark Melancon should get the win for SF Giants in the 10th after blowing save with 2 run lead.

Meanwhile, Santiago Casilla now has same number of saves as Mark Melancon – 10 – w/ 1 fewer blown save. Welcome to 2017 #SFGiants

In Britain, Conservative PM Theresa May called election to increase her majority & actually lost seats. #Buyersremorse?

Waiting for Sean Spicer to spin today’s British vote as a big win for Conservatives.

How many people do we think it is taking to keep Trump away from his phone to tweet during these #ComeyHearings?

 

So Trump hasn’t tweeted all day. Can we start a pool on what his next tweet will be?

Tennis love and labor?

April 24, 2017

Serena Williams is back ranked as #1 on the WTA Tour. Or should we say Number 1 1/2?

 

Ben Roethlisberger now says he’s sorry that he stopped listing Findlay, Ohio as his hometown after “Some negative things were said about me by people in this town. I was hurt and I resented that.”
Probably not nearly as much as women he was accused of sexually assaulting resented things.

 

#Dodgers score a run after Derek Law walks Chase Utley w/ .034 batting average. Even Gorkys Hernandez thinks that’s a bad year. #SFGiants.

Anyone remember the last time we heard Duane Kuiper’s home run call for the SF Giants? Me neither.

 Christian Arroyo era in SF has begin. He’ll wear #22. In 1986 a rookie did okay w/ that number. And this team needs thrills.  Heck, this team needed a defibrillator.
Whole Foods says they are going to lower their prices. So are they pre-announcing a Going out of Business sale?
Kenny G played an impromptu concert aboard Delta flight. And millions of Americans changed their minds on never dragging someone off plane.

State Dept removed blog post touting Mar-a-Lago as Winter White House. Trump hasn’t said yet which resort he’s using as Summer White House?

 

#WTF So we may have govt shutdown over border wall money? Maybe Ivanka or Jared can educate Trump on tunnels, planes & boats?

Just wonder what would happen if you told IRS, not sending in my tax payment but Mexico will be covering it for me eventually?

 

So congrats to all those who had Canada in “Who will Trump fight next” bingo.

All these “MAGA” Trump supporters who are so happy about Canadian lumber tariffs do realize it means higher prices for Americans right?

Sorry but anyone bragging his ratings are bigger “than when the World Trade Center came down” is clearly a sick individual. That is all.

 

(Trump yesterday to the AP, on the size of his…. ratings “It’s the highest for ‘Face the Nation’ or as I call it, ‘Deface the Nation.”
“It’s the highest for ‘Deface the Nation’ since the World Trade Center — since the World Trade Center came down.”
Another moment when he became Presidential? )

 

 

 

TC with the lumber truck to hell  “DJ has just imposed a 20% tariff on Canadian softwood lumber exported to the US. I totally didn’t expect him to get personal on this issue. Anyways,no tariff on Hardwood Lumber? Sad…”

Giants chicks don’t dig these long balls.

April 6, 2017

 

Jeff Samardzija somehow only gave up 24 home runs in 2016. Given 32 starts now on pace for 96 in 2017. #SFGiants

In first 3 games,  SF Giants left fielders are 0-15 w/ nine Ks. Over-under on how many times Madbum has to offered to pinch hit?

Kentucky sophomore Isaiah Briscoe has announced he will leave school for the NBA draft. Shocking many college basketball fans – One of Calipari’s Kentucky teams had a sophomore?

 

So can the LA Kings honor Don Rickles by putting his picture on a giveaway hockey puck?

Can just imagine things tonight “You call this heaven? Those pearly gates are really looking tired.” #DonRickles

RIP #DonRickles. Wonder if realizing he couldn’t keep up with Trump on insults finally killed him.

The post Tiger Woods era. Headline “World’s #1 Player Drops out of Masters.” And millions of Americans go “Who?” #Masters

#RyanHoward has signed a minor-league contract with Braves in hopes of making it back to big leagues. Hmm, about that SF Giants left field problem. Just how retired is #25?

Just think how much fun he’ll be w/Lonzo in NBA. You can’t win no championship w/ 3 white guys..foot speed is too slow’ – LaVar Ball on UCLA

Two week vacation for @TheDailyShow. This is not good. When Jon Stewart left we got Trump. #Whatsnext?

Presale for “The Classic” concert Friday with the Eagles, Fleetwood Mac, Steely Dan, Journey, Earth, Wind & Fire and The Doobie Brothers runs from 10a to 10p. Wonder if there’s an early-bird special?

Trump-“The world is a mess. I inherited a mess!” Guess somebody didn’t read too far down in the President job description.

Russia’s Supreme Court has upheld banning Jehovah’s Witnesses as an extremist group. Who says there’s no USA-Russia common ground?

The US just launched 50 Tomahawk cruise missiles against Syria. So did Trump push all the buttons or did he let Jared do it?

Meanwhile, back at home, the night before “Equal Pay Day,” Trump signed an executive order canceling an Obama policy requiring federal contractors to give equal treatment to women. But Donald no doubt feels sure that when he creates more jobs for men, women won’t need to work?

Trump defends O’Reilly, but had Bill Clinton’s accusers at Presidential debate. Guess it’s only harassment if a Democrat does it.

 

A Secret Service agent was suspended for allegedly meeting a prostitute in a Maryland hotel. What is this world coming to? These men are supposed to protect the President and they can’t even figure out Tinder?

Wednesday was  National Burrito Day.    Waiting for Trump to tweet taking credit for all the cheap gas.

So now that a simple majority is enough for a win how do we do a retroactive Nuclear Option on the Electoral College

The GOP does realize the Nuclear Option could eventually go both ways, right?

Stay classy Ann Coulter, who tweeted today “Gen. Michael Hayden: N Korea will make nuke capable of hitting Seattle! Situation will be dire as soon as they can hit a city worth saving.”
Just guessing Ann might not want to venture into her local Starbucks any time soon.

More classy. The NY Times reports after the 2nd Presidential debate that Trump sent a personal email to Jeff Zucker, the President of CNN “Jeff — Too bad you (CNN) couldn’t be honest with how well I did in the debate. The dumbest thing I ever did was get you the job at CNN — you are the most disloyal person. Just remember, I always seem to find a way to get even. Best wishes, Donald J. Trump.”
Question of the day, who will Trump attack first for this “leak” – the NYTimes or CNN?

No game 8?

November 3, 2016

World Series Game 7 was moved up 8 minutes from a 5:08pm to a 5:00pm start, ostensibly to try to get it over before the rain came. Had it started at the scheduled time, that rain delay, instead of giving the Cubs a chance to regroup, would have happened before the bottom of the 9th, possibly meaning Chapman could not have pitched, certainly giving him more time to stew about the blown save.

Hmm, Hillary Clinton is a Cubs fan, where’s the Congressional investigation?

 

So if #SFGiants really want to win #WorldSeries again in 2017, maybe they don’t need to sign a closer, just another ex -Oakland A or two..

 

Time to start a pool on how much Roger Goodell fines Richard Sherman for this one? “The league isn’t fun anymore….they say we’re trying to influence kids, and that’s their biggest thing. That’s their biggest ploy is you don’t want to be a bad influence to kids. You don’t want to be a bad role model. And I can agree with that. But in the same breath, you can’t say Budweiser is the official sponsor of the NFL, and we’re trying to influence kids. ”

And on the league talking about player safety “That’s for public perception. They don’t care about player safety. But they do care about paying the quarterback $20 million and him missing a season. They do care about that.” #whenShermanisrightheisright

Lots of outrage on the internet because Neiman Marcus is selling precooked, ready-to-heat-and-serve collard greens for $66.  Even Whole Foods is stunned. They would have charged $99.

A Mississippi lawyer is suing Popeyes after he says he choked on a piece of fried chicken. His claim is that because the restaurant didn’t give him a knife, he had to eat the chicken with his hands instead of cutting it into bite-size pieces.
Uh, how about suing his parents, who didn’t teach him how to chew?

#MelaniaTrump gave a speech today about cyber bullying. This is like #BillClinton giving a speech on marital fidelity.

#MelaniaTrump today “Our culture has gotten too mean.” Sounds like she pays as much attention to what her husband says as #MikePence does.

 

Ted Cruz, who famously said at the RNC convention “Vote your conscience,” is now stumping for Donald Trump. But it’s not as Ted is contradicting himself on conscience – he doesn’t have one.

 

Interesting election side note: Both Hillary Clinton nor Donald Trump have detractors, and neither are beloved in their own parties, But while many big names in the GOP have publicly turned on Trump, no major Democrat that I can think of has turned on Hillary. And as a life-long Democrat, I can tell you, it’s NOT because we’re the organized party.

 

From an anonymous friend   about bipartisan pre-election “inner peace..

“A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives during this political season, we should always finish things that we start. Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I’d started & hadn’t finished.
I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz. Yu hav no idr how fablus I feel rite now.
Sned this to all ur frenz who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.”

 

From Bill Littlejohn:  “In the wake of the Cubs’ World Series title, scholars say that at least 45% of the prophecies of Nastrodamus will have to be researched and re-interpreted”

Stages of grief?

October 12, 2016

So denial, then anger. Is the bargaining phase when we start rooting for #DustyBaker at least to get a ring? @SFGiants

 

What time is the game on tomorrow? Oh wait…. Yeah, baseball is designed to break your heart. #MLB #SFGiants

So in looking on bright side as #SFGiants fan, if #BlueJays make it to #WorldSeries we might get to watch #JustinTrudeau attend games.

#SFGiants going into late innings with 5 runs and a big lead does not appear to be a winning strategy. #NLDSGame4 #WorldSeries2002

Meanwhile, the San Diego Padres have fired their President after the team missed the postseason for the 10th straight year. So wonder who the next interim president will be.

Lebron James “In our locker room, they talk about sports highlights from the previous night, family and game strategy. what that guy was saying, that’s not — I don’t know what that is. That’s trash talk.”
It’s getting harder and harder to dislike King James.

The NFL is now penalizing players using Saints WR Brandin Cooks bow-and-arrow touchdown celebration, which he has always said was a sign of his faith in God. They say the gesture “mimics a violent act.”
A football league. “A violent act.”  And they said it with a straight face.

You can’t make this stuff up. Trump campaign manager KellyAnne Conway told GOP leaders who may be wavering in their support: “Enough of the pussyfooting around”
So was that supposed to be an attention grabbing comment?

The SF Chronicle reported that earlier this month Alaska AIrlines removed a passenger who was harassing a female flight attendant, saying things like “oooh, sexy,” during the safety demonstration. So did the guy think he was in a locker room or something?.

 

So I assume Russian hackers are only leaking emails from Democrats because Republicans never have said anything untoward in an email?

 

At a Florida rally, Donald Trump’s response after a woman fainted: “That woman was out cold, and now she’s coming back! We don’t go by these new – and very much softer – NFL rules. Concussions ‘Oh, you’ve got a little ding on the head. No, no, you can’t play for the rest of the season.’ Our people are tough.”
So let’s add NFL players and others who have suffered serious brain injuries to the list of people the Donald has taunted. Who had October 12 in the pool?

(My friend Linda points out, but if Hillary faints, she’s unfit for the Presidency.”)

 

Less than noble stuff in latest #wikileaks #PodestaEmails.  But I’m sure most of us never say or email anything we wouldn’t want on front page

 

Even #BIllCosby has to be looking at #Trump & saying “Are you kidding me?”

 

This Donald Trump sexual assault issue is rapidly becoming another “He said, she said, she said, she said, she said, story.:”

And no doubt the Trump campaign’s response will be to dredge up more allegations against Bill Clinton. When this election is over most of America will be ready for a good hot long shower….

 

 

From Marc Ragovin:  “Melania Trump announced today that Donald will no longer be in charge of assembling the grab bags for their son Baron’s upcoming birthday party”