Posted tagged ‘SF Giants jokes’

Not with a whimper but three bangs?

July 29, 2016

SF Giants announcer Mike Krukow referred tonight to the Giants’ “inning ending triple play.”  Yeah, that’s the worst kind.  #redundant

So many ‪#‎SFGiants‬ hitters are beyond due that the clubhouse should start stocking pitocin.

Time for ‪#‎SFGiants‬ to get it together, no more ‪#‎RNC‬ & ‪#‎DNC‬ conventions to distract us anymore from their recent awfulness.

Justin Bieber reportedly turned down $5 million offer to perform at an event during last week’s GOP convention. Well, makes sense, we all know how careful Bieber is to avoid embarrassing things that might hurt his image.

 

Today @realDonaldTrump said he has best temperament of anyone who’s ever run for President. ‪#‎Idonotthinkthatwordmeanswhatyouthinkitmeans‬.

A Florida man is planning to sue after he spent 10 hours in jail when a police officer thought he had flakes of crystal meth on the floor of his car. It turned out to be glaze crumbs from Krispy Kreme
What is this world coming to when police cannot recognize doughnuts?

Olympic rower Megan Kalmoe on the upcoming Rio Olympics: “I will row through s–t for you, America.” As long as none of these victorious rowers toss their coxswains in the water.

The IRS is investigating Facebook’s having moved assets to their Irish subsidiary to avoid taxes, and the company said they could end up owing $3-5 billion. Two words – “more ads.”

Florida Governor Rick Scott has rejected federal money for high-speed rail, rejected Obamacare funding to expand Medicaid and criticized the President at every turn. Now with Zika cases in the state, “The federal government needs to show up and do their part.”
And Obama’s got to be thinking “What part?

Donald Trump tweeted in 2012 “Mike Bloomberg is doing a great job as Mayor of New York City. Ray Kelly is a great Police Commissioner. Mike Bloomberg.”
Wow, the Donald turns on some of these people so fast you’d think he used to be married to them.

Trump tweeted Hillary is “owned by Wall Street.” Spoken by someone whose response to being owned is just to declare bankruptcy?

Donald Trump yesterday said that watching the DNC made him want to “hit a number of those speakers so hard, their heads would spin.”
So if elected the Donald would sure make the USA popular at things like the G8 and other summits.

#‎WholeFoods‬ stock fell 9 percent yesterday. Wow. How often do you see a price of anything Whole Foods drop?

(assist to paul lander on the wording)

The Martins have traded for Andrew Cashner and Colin Rea. So they’re bolstering their rotation for an October playoff run and a November sell-off.

Dallas LB Damien WIlson will miss the beginning of training camp with an eye injury he suffered playing paintball. The Cowboys aren’t thrilled, but have to figure better another injury than another arrest.

Donald Trump, unhappy about Hillary’s speech last night “I’ve been nice,But after watching that performance last night — such lies — I don’t have to be so nice anymore. I’m taking the gloves off.”
And he said it with a straight face.

 

A 16 year old boy is in custody in Houston after police say he fatally shot his parents, former player Antonio Armstrong and his wife Dawn, late last night. His siblings were also in the house but unarmed. No apparent motive. So just another Texas case of guns keeping people safer.

Still the one.

July 26, 2016

Hillary Clinton to “young girls” watching,  says she hopes to be the first woman president” but “you will be next.” Ok, but, I would like  more women presidents BEFORE they grow up.

‪#‎BillClinton‬ “For those of us with more yesterdays than tomorrows its all about our children & grandchildren” ‪#‎HesStillGotIt‬ ‪#‎DemsInPhilly‬

Bill Clinton is proving tonight you dont have to be ‪#‎MickJagger‬ to be a 70 year old rock star. ‪#‎DemConvention‬

Bill Clinton may or may not be “First Man” But making strong pitch to take over commercial for ‪#‎MostInterestingManInTheWorld‬

Bill Clinton on Dorothy Rodman “Knowing her was one of Hillary’s greatest gifts to me.” Shameless & lovely plug for the mother-in-law vote.

Seeing just a bit of sniping against Michelle and her future prospects after her speech saying she’s just a first lady. But really, does anyone think if Barack didn’t marry her that he’d be in the Oval Office today? ‪#‎hemarriedup‬

 

#‎MattCain‬ not only got the win tonight, he threw down the hitting gauntlet to ‪#‎Madbum‬ tomorrow. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

Would like to thank aliens who abducted ‪#‎SFGiants‬ & started wearing their uniforms for returning our real Giants tonight.

The Cowboys now have three defensive players suspended for substance abuse at the start of the 2016 season. So to their coaching staff will Dallas be adding a probation officer?

Eagles LB Nigel Bradham was arrested in Miami for aggravated assault; he allegedly beat up a 50 year-old hotel worker who didn’t get his umbrella set up quickly enough. Is Bradham trying to get traded to the 49ers or Cowboys?

Aaron Rodgers on his estranged little brother Jordan on “The Bachelorette” “I haven’t seen the show. To be honest with you, so it hasn’t really affected me a whole lot. As far as those kinds of things go, I’ve always found that it’s a little inappropriate to talk publicly about some family matters, so I’m just — I’m not going to speak on those things, but I wish him well in the competition.”
Sounds like Aaron actually learned something at Cal.

So now Trump is attacking Bernie Sanders. Is there anyone the Donald doesn’t turn on eventually, including the women he marries?

‪#‎CoryBooker‬ responded to @realDonaldTrump’s nasty tweet with “I love you Donald.” So is that the New Jersey equivalent of ‪#‎BlessYourHeart‬

Donald Trump is threatening not to pay a hotel in Virginia for an event Monday because he said it was too hot in the ballroom. Maybe because there isn’t an air-conditioning system in the world that can deal with that much hot air?

Donald Trump now says instead of using Twitter once elected President he’d have a personal White House hotline that will keep him “very busy at night” for complaints against VA hospitals.
Who is he kidding, the Donald didn’t even deal with complaints against Trump University?

 

Some critical of  Bill Clinton’s ignoring ‪#‎MonicaLewinsky‬ years. Same folks didn’t have a problem with ‪#‎Trump‬ not mentioning his 1st 2 wives.

Madeleine Albright says national security is not like hosting a reality tv show. Trump listening and trying to figure out how to fire her.

 

Interesting review of Clinton’s speech. “Bill cast Hillary as a real person—when she herself can seem remote, brittle, defensive and evasive. He sold her far better than she sells herself The man can tell a story. And in politics, that matters.”
The commie pinko sources? FoxNews.com

So the Dems aren’t all quite coming together and singing “Kumbaya.” On the other hand, they’re not making speeches like Ted Cruz, or doing stuff like John Kasich, who posted a fake website for “Trump-Putin 2016.” ‪#‎nottheOnion‬

 

Nice change over all today for unity at the DNC though . From Marc Ragovin “Hillary Clinton got so beaten up in Philadelphia on the opening night of the Democratic National Convention that even Santa Claus felt sorry for her.”

FLOTUS

July 25, 2016

Often imitated, never duplicated ‪#‎MichelleObama‬

 

“This right now is the greatest country on Earth.” And @BarackObama gets reminded again that he married up. ‪#‎MichelleObama‬ ‪#‎DemsInPhilly‬

 

 

Is it being too much of a girl to have been in love w/ ‪#‎MichelleObama‬‘s speech & at same time going “I love her hair? Asking for a friend

How often do people say “Tonight I am proud to be from New Jersey?” ‪#‎CoryBooker‬ ‪#‎DNCinPhilly‬

 (“You can’t love your country without loving your countrymen and women.  #CoryBooker tonight)

 

Love ‪#‎bridgeovertroubledwater‬, but tonight Simon w/o Garfunkel showed why going it alone isn’t enough. ‪#‎StrongerTogether‬ ‪#‎DemsInPhilly‬

Another woman who, even if she doesn’t get everything she wanted, still rolls up her sleeves to get to work. ‪#‎ElizabethWarren‬ ‪#‎DemsInPhilly‬

Since 2004, I was and remain (albeit older) an Obama girl. Hillary Clinton got almost the same number of votes, 18 million, in the 2008 Primaries as Barack Obama. So it’s understandable that her very disappointed supporters did their best to disrupt the 2008 DNC convention. Oh wait, they didn’t. Never mind.

 

A simple statement for Bernie fans, with Clinton elected, Bernie Sanders will have much more power in USA than under Trump.

Earlier today  word that some of Sanders’ supporters have “serious interest” in a “formal challenge” to replace Kaine on the ticket.
Sigh, are they trying to prove this IS their first rodeo?

Also earlier today, reports of Sanders delegates booing… Bernie?! WTF? Is this the result of too many years of participation trophies. ‪#‎DemsInPhilly‬

 

All of this politics as reality TV is getting really confusing: At one point during ‪#‎DemsinPhilly‬ do Hillary and Bernie retire to Fantasy Suite?

Don’t get me wrong,  putting what they did in emails was stupid. But just wondering how many folks condemning ‪#‎DNC‬ would be OK with coworkers, friends & family seeing what they wrote about them in their emails.

 

“Do I regret standing up for what I believe in? Absolutely not. Do I regret saying business should not be first before winning? Absolutely not.” Fine sentiments from White Sox pitcher Chris Sale, but dude, we’re talking about UNIFORMS. ‪#‎acutabove‬

Cubs have now lost 4 straight starts by Jake Arrieta, SFGiants have lost 5 of 7 starts by Madison Bumgarner. Time for these two pitchers to start an “Offenses anonymous” club?

#‎SFGiants‬ really need to start doing a better job again distracting us in the Bay Area from trivial things like the fate of our country.

‪#‎BarryBonds‬ turned 52 years old yesterday. And he could still probably outhit most of the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ current lineup.

 

Is it going to take Madison Bumgarner hitting again on Wednesday to get ‪#‎SFGiants‬ back on track out of this slump?

Sunday night

July 24, 2016

So we don’t have a woman president, yet but we do have @jessmendoza on @ESPN Sunday Night Baseball. It’s a start!

 

‪#‎SFGiants‬ don’t really want Aroldis Chapman  (cost and last year’s domestic violence arrest.)  But they’d be fine with the ‪#‎Yankees‬ not trading him to ‪#‎Nationals‬ before next weekend’s series.

 

#‎MikeMayers‬, MLB debut, 1.1 inning, 9 runs, 60.75 ERA. I feel for his mother. ‪#‎LAvsSTL‬

Chris Sale has been suspended five games for destroying his team’s throwback uniforms, which he didn’t want to wear,  before Saturday’s game.   On the other hand, he’s been offered freelance contracts by a lot of college football fans.

While ‪#‎ChrisSale‬ is serving that 5 game suspension could he come to ‪#‎SF‬ & cut up ‪#‎SFGiants‬ road uniforms? They don’t apparently work anymore.

Australian athletes are not moving into the Olympic village because they say it’s “uninhabitable,” with numerous safety issues. And Rio’s mayor responded “I almost feel like putting a kangaroo in front of their building to make them feel at home.” ‪#‎whatiftheyhadanOlympicsandnobodycame‬?

The ‪#‎IOC‬ will not completely ban ‪#‎Russia‬ from the ‪#‎RioOlympics‬. And many Russian athletes are thinking now “Damn, so this means we have to go?

 

#‎Trump‬, disbelieving Roger Ailes charge “because he’s a very good person,” & because ‪#‎theDonald‬ never considered that behavior harassment?

Oxymoron online ad of the day – “Upgrade to Yahoo search.”

Business Insider reports that many Kmart employees expect the company soon to close all their stores. And many Americans are going “Kmart still has stores?”

Donald Trump now proposes stop immigration “from any nation that has been compromised by terrorism,” and wouldn’t rule out France and Germany. Uh, actually would the Donald like to find ONE country that doesn’t have terrorism, including the USA?

But if ‪#‎Trump‬‘s idea of banning immigrants from countries “compromised by terrorism” catches on around the world, it could be rough for Americans trying to move to Canada

Have no problem with removing Debbie Wasserman Schultz as head of the DNC for the convention and beyond. But anyone want to hazard a guess what the RNC internal emails might look like about Trump and others in the GOP primaries?

Critics are saying ‪#‎HillaryClinton‬ should have had ‪#‎DebbieWassermanSchultz‬ fired. Uh, and who’s to say she didn’t?

V.P. note for grouchy Dems who wanted someone other than Tim Kaine: Cory Booker, Sherrod Brown & Elizabeth  Warren, all would’ve had their Senate seats filled by GOP governors.

Would have loved Clinton to take Booker. But Kaine ups her likability quotient. And I could get used to hearing “Senate Majority Leader Warren.”

 

Don’t get me wrong, I love Republican chaos.   But some of same Democrats who are gleefully looking forward to November with the GOP not rallying behind Trump are also saying that Sanders shouldn’t throw his support to Clinton.

Busted aces?

June 26, 2016

Last night Madison Bumgarner gave up 3 runs.  Today Johnny Cueto gave up 6 runs,  Justin Verlander gave up 8 runs, and Clayton Kershaw gave up 4 runs. Okay, this really could be a sign of the apocalypse.

On other hand, Sunday the Royals, Rangers, Orioles, Marlins, Indians, Twins, Angels, As, Dbacks, Rockies, Cardinals, Mariners, Giants and Phillies all have scored at least 6 runs.  So maybe Kershaw’s four runs weren’t that bad.

 ·

Congrats to Arizona and Coastal Carolina who will meet in the finals of the College World Series. Many people are thinkng “I didn’t know Coastal Carolina had a baseball team. Heck, many people are thinking, “I didn’t even know Coastal Carolina had a university.

 

The Pittsburgh Pirates won three games from the LA Dodgers this weekend. No punchline, I just liked writing that. ‪#‎SFGiants‬.

 

Cubs’ ace Jake Arrieta, a TCU alum, apparently has to get a CCU tattoo after losing a bet to teammate Tommy La Stella, a Coastal Carolina alum, over the College World Series.
Uh, wouldn’t you think Arrieta is making enough money he could have risked something less painful like a car or a Rolex? ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

Pete Rose was very emotional today at a ceremony the Cincinnati Reds had to retire his number. Wonder what odds he had gotten on it happening?

Mitch McConnell when asked if Donald Trump is qualified for the presidency, said he’ll “leave that to the American people to decide.” Wait, don’t we elect Senators to make the tough decisions for us?

In Lebanon, an endangered sea turtle is being treated by a rescue group after tourists dragged it out of the water, and apparently took selfies with it and beat it with sticks. Where is a great white shark when you really need one?

Of course we knew that Palin would weigh in Brexit. Not only did she congratulate England but “America can learn an encouraging lesson from this.’It is time to dissolve political bands that connect us to agendas not in our best interest. May UN shackles be next on the chopping block,’
Uh, Sarah, even North Korea is part of the UN….

SF Chronicle is reporting the story of a man whose North Beach apartment rent instantly jumped from $1,800 to $8000 a month. Many people will read this and go “That’s appalling.” Some San Franciscans will read this and go “You can get an apartment in North Beach for $8,000 a month?”

 

After ‪#‎Chile‬‘s win over ‪#‎Argentina‬ in ‪#‎COPA‬, Lionel ‪#‎Messi‬ says he is quitting the Argentina national team -#Messi-exit?

Bonds away

June 1, 2016

In an interview, Barry Bonds said “I’m to blame for the way I was [portrayed], because I was a dumbass. I was straight stupid, and I’ll be the first to admit it.”
Not sure what’s weirder. Hearing him apologize, or hearing Bonds’ referred to as “the Miami Marlins’ hitting coach?” ‪#‎SFGiants‬

 

 

In Switzerland, they just had the grand opening of a railway tunnel through the Alps dubbed “the longest tunnel in the world” at 35.5 miles. And down in Mexico they’re just giggling.

#‎StephCurry‬ let slip in a news conference that he uses Uber in the SF Bay Area. Wonder if they give him 3.0 pricing? ‪#‎Warriors‬

 

 

Is there a more annoying sound in sports than the tomahawk chop? ‪#‎Braves‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬ ‪#‎Stopthechop‬

 

Santiago ‪#‎Casilla‬ has now blown 4 of 16 saves. So he’s right about as often as an NBA referee? ‪#‎damningbyfaintphrase‬

‪#‎Casilla‬ lost composure & blew lead so fast tonight you’d wonder if underneath his ‪#‎SFGiants‬ jersey he was wearing a ‪#‎OKC‬ ‪#‎Thunder‬ t-shirt.

 

 

No,  I don’t play fantasy baseball. But saw this on Rotoballer.com, talking about closers in the NL West and their “status” (from a few days ago.)

: Stability Rating – Team Name  – Current Closer
Solid – Diamondbacks – Brad Ziegler

Solid Rockies – Jake McGee

Solid Dodgers – Kenley Jansen

Solid Padres –  Fernando Rodney

Questionable – Giants – Santiago Casilla

yeah, we know

Anyone else feeling like an old baseball fan in remembering when players didn’t have hamstrings?

Last night #‎JakePeavy‬ pitched 1 hit ball for 7 innings, singled and scored the go-ahead run for the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ to win on his 35th birthday. “It couldn’t have happened to a nicer young man” said Jamie Moyer.

First ‪#‎BernieSanders‬ got ‪#‎Hamilton‬ tickets. Then court side seats for ‪#‎OKCvsGSW‬ ‪#‎Game7‬. Guessing his own private plane can’t be far behind?

 

Former Baylor president Kenneth Starr, who so zealously prosecuted Bill Clinton, and who was reassigned as chancellor after the school’s sexual assault scandals, is now resigning that new post. Starr will, however, continue to teach in the law school.
What’s his first course this fall – “The law and people who think they are above it?”

A Seattle burlesque dancer returning home from a Boston performance was told by a JetBlue crew the shorts and thigh-highs she was wearing were “inappropriate.” She had to buy pajama pants to get on the plane.
This would not have happened on United. They’d have let her board and just charged other passengers an entertainment fee.

A USA Today article shows that Donald Trump “and his businesses have been involved in at least 3,500 legal actions in federal and state courts during the past 30 years. Ranging from skirmishes with casino patrons to million-dollar real estate suits to personal defamation lawsuits.”
Are we sure the Trump campaign didn’t leak the information in a shameless push to get more endorsements from lawyers?

The PGA Tour is moving their Cadillac World Golf Championship from the Trump Doral course to Mexico City. Trump’s gracious response “I hope they have kidnapping insurance.”
I am beginning to see the Donald’s plan to have Mexico pay for that wall…. in order to keep him out.

 

Hillary Clinton with Cory Booker in New Jersey: Hmm, could think of a lot worse tickets for November. ‪#‎GoStanford‬

 

Gentlemen, coast your engines…

May 29, 2016

Alexander Rossi, who won the Indianapolis 500, decided not to pit late, so was running on fumes and literally coasting as he finished the race. So how many men will start explaining running out of gas to their wives and girlfriends – “Really, I was just trying to emulate an Indy driver.”

Auto racing is weird. How many other sports have the “highlights” later basically be a blooper tape? ‪#‎crashes‬ ‪#‎Indy500‬

Ah for the good old days, when on Memorial Day weekend Americans who liked to watch complete wrecks could watch the Indy 500, instead of our Presidential race.

Really? The ‪#‎Indy500‬ is now being marketed as part of the “Verizon IndyCar series?” ‪#‎howthemightyhavefallen‬

So the ‪#‎Dodgers‬ are coming to SF to play the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ in 2 weeks. Is it too late to organize a ‪#‎Giants‬ laser pointer giveaway? ‪#‎LaserGate‬

Lost in yesterday’s ‪#‎SFGiants‬ 10-5 win vs ‪#‎Rockies‬: Winning pitcher Cory Gearrin also got his 1st at bat. And 1st hit. ‪#‎PitchersWhoRake‬

Donald Trump has apparently narrowed his potential running mates to a “very small” list. Because there are only a “very small” number of people who will run with him?

 

Bernie Sanders today on “Meet the Press” said that while he thinks Donald Trump would be a “disaster” as President,  it is “the candidate’s job,”  to draw voters in — not the second-place finisher’s job to instruct them on how to vote.

For all Bernie’s talk about changing the Democratic party, that was sure spoken like a man who is planning to switch his registration back to Independent after the election is over.

 

Shouldn’t an 8-3 lead in the 9th inning at ‪#‎CoorsField‬ be counted as a save situation? ‪#‎SFGiants‬ ‪#‎Rockies‬

 

 

Wow. The Mets’ Asdrúbal Cabrera a home run hard off ‪#‎Kershaw‬. Who does he think he is? Madison Bumgarner?

Meanwhile, Kershaw has more than 200 million reasons to get over it. But as much as I dislike the Dodgers, have to admit,  manager Davy Roberts pulls him in the 8th with two outs and a runner on first. The reliever promptly gives up the tying run, and get the win when the Dodgers come back in the 9th.  #baseballisacruelgame

 

From T.C.  “I know nusink about US politics, but I used to play ‘Bridge’. “3 No Trump” sounds like it may be a rallying slogan for his opposition?”


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