Posted tagged ‘SF Giants jokes’

If we stop laughing the bad guys win.

September 11, 2016

ESPN’s fantasy football app was down today.  The horror.  Many viewers were left with only being able to care about whoever actually won the game.

Nothing is certain but death, taxes, and the #Browns losing on #NFL opening week

So as we honored all those who perished on September 11, and all of the first responders, etc, with ceremonies in MLB, perhaps we could make the date more significant going forward by having it be the ONLY time in the year teams play “God Bless America” during the 7th inning?

 

After watching #SFGiants revival in Arizona, looks like there’s at least one SF Bay Area team with chance of winning Monday night.

Just maybe #SFGiants have decided to eliminate #Casilla discussions by not taking 1 run leads to the 9th? #HunterPence

So Oklahoma State fell out of the top 25 after losing to Central Michigan even though officials admitted the game should have been over before the winning play. On the other hand, OSU shouldn’t have been that close to CMU at the end of the 4th quarter.
(ditto Clemson w/ Troy and Georgia with Nicholls.)

 

Kim Jong-Un has banned sarcasm. Yeah, right.

 

So @HillaryClinton has pneumonia. Waiting for @realDonaldTrump to say when he is President he will build a wall to keep out pneumonia.

 

Just imagine what would have happened if @HillaryClinton had followed her doctor’s advice & stayed home from 9/11 memorial service. #cantwin

Meanwhile, Martin Shkreli showed up outside Chelsea’s Clinton’s apartment and actually heckled Hillary as she left after going there after the service.  Very little bipartisan agreement in this country, but can we agree that Shkreli is a poor excuse for a human being?

All of us are just guessing, really. But interesting how the same people who are positive Hillary is hiding something in her medical records are convinced there’s nothing to see in Trump’s tax returns.

In Tampa, a man tried on a bulletproof vest last night while his cousin fired a shot to see if it worked. It didn’t. One Darwin, one manslaughter charge. #ifonlytheywerearmed No wait… back on your game, Florida.

 

My writing is mostly about sports and politics, and I don’t like playing the woman card. But give me a break, folks. Of course Hillary went to the 9/11 memorial today when she was sick. She’s a woman and a mom. Women go to important things when we are sick. We take care of our kids, significant others, we go to work if work needs to be done. Whereas men, at the risk of being “grossly generalistic….” Okay, rant’s over.

Round and round we go.

September 10, 2016

The Battle at Bristol gets the new record for most attendance at a NCAA football game at 155,690. What’s next, a game in Times Square where they sell SRO tickets?

 

  –

Many SF Giants were shocked to see an unaccustomed sight in the dugout tonight during the team’s 11-3 win over the Arizona Diamondbacks – smiles.

 

Did #Northwestern decide to stop playing Division 1 #FBS football last offseason and just not tell anyone?

Millions of Americans dislike both #Trump & #Clinton & think choosing the lesser evil is tough – what about when #Yankees play #Dodgers?

 

ESPN commenting on how old US Open women’s champion @AngeliqueKerber is…. she is 28 years old.

Not sure who will with the Willie Mac award for this year’s most inspirational SF Giant. But the award for the Giant most likely to drive fans to scream, cry and/or drink has to go either to Santiago Casilla or the manager who keeps putting him out there.

Two games for USC, two players ejected in 1st half each game: LT Chuma Edoga today for pushing an official, LB Jabari Ruffin last week for stomping on an opponent’s groin.
So maybe  coaches Sarkasian & Kiffin weren’t solely responsibly for all that Trojan embarrassment after all?

Many of Hillary Clinton’s fundraisers are closed to the press, last night’s LGBT event WAS open to some media. And she said this – “To just be grossly generalistic, you could put half of Trump’s supporters into what I call the basket of deplorables. Right? The racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, Islamaphobic — you name it,”
So was it a gaffe by a very cautious politician? Or a deliberate hand grenade tossed to set off an carefully-timed explosion?

 

Hillary has backed off the “half” of Trump’s supporters on the “basket of deplorables” line, but not the concept. As the old joke goes “We’ve already established that, now we’re haggling price.

 

Guessing @realDonaldTrump is furious at @HillaryClinton over #BasketofDeplorables – insulting millions of Americans is HIS job.

Donald Trump yesterday “With Iran, when they circle our beautiful destroyers with their little boats and they make gestures at our people that they shouldn’t be allowed to make, they will be shot out of the water.” How Presidential of him.

 

Mike Pence “I think it’s inarguable that Vladimir Putin has been a stronger leader in his country than Barack Obama has been in this country. And that’s going to change the day that Donald Trump becomes president.”
So Trump’s first act is going to be to disband Congress?

Fear factor.

August 14, 2016

Thousands of passengers were evacuated at JFK airport tonight over alleged gunshots that turned out to be nonexistent. The sound may just have been cheering for Usain Bolt.

Yep, fear itself is winning.

 

On a more mundane note, getting really tired of saying “Well, THAT was the worst loss of the year. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

Apparently  closer Santiago Casilla was just lulling us into a comfortable state of delusion.

It’s a long season, but pretty sure that if ‪#‎Casilla‬ is last ‪#‎SFGiants‬ pitcher in 2016 season he will not walk off mound a winner.

But on a brighter note, clearly Johnny Cueto, 2-3 today with an RBI, has benefited and learned from being in the same clubhouse as Madison Bumgarner.

Ryan Lochte and three other swimmers said they were robbed at gunpoint last night by fake Brazilian police, a report confirmed by the U.S. Olympic committee. The IOC says the reports are “absolutely not true,”
Gosh, hope this one blatant lie doesn’t tarnish the IOC’s credibility.

So does anyone really care about ‪#‎Olympics‬ medals in tennis and golf? Even tennis and golf fans?

Wikileaks founder Julian Assange hates Hillary Clinton, in part because he says she is against the media and freedom of speech. So he wants to help Trump get elected? ‪#‎unclearontheconcept‬

So with a team full of ‪#‎NBA‬ starters plus luxury ship accommodations , ‪#‎TeamUSA‬ barely wins games. Will their gold medal, if they get one, have asterisk? ‪#‎Rio2016‬

Donald Trump used free publicity as a major tool in his fight  to win ‪#‎GOP‬ primary, now complains about media. Talk about biting hand that bottle fed you.

Trump running mate Mike Pence now said he will publicly release his tax returns but did not say when. A GOP spokesman said it would be before the November election. Not of course specifying which year.

Fox News’ Kimberly Guilfoyle said that Clinton and Barack Obama are “constantly making comments trying to bait Trump into saying something that will sidetrack him.”
Leaving aside the fact that the Donald doesn’t need any help, and if Trump is elected no opposition politician or world leader would ever do the same thing?

Happy Birthday, Mr President.

August 4, 2016

All of these emails today urging me to sign President Obama’s birthday card. Now saying “last chance” or “urgent.” Somehow I think he’ll get over not seeing my name.

 

#‎SFGiants‬ got a runner on 3rd home with less than two out on a sacrifice fly today. Hope this isn’t a sign of apocalypse.

 

And with his 10th inning game winning home run, can Giants call Denard’s hit a “Span over troubled water?”

Paul Ryan says that Donald Trump has had a “strange” run since the Republican National Convention. In other news the speaker has announced that water is wet.

Approval ratings for President Obama at 54%, highest of  his 2nd term. As most Americans realize how much they will miss him.

It’s looking like this will be Alex Rodriguez’s last year. Wonder if other teams will start gifting A-Rod commemorative cushions for while he sits on the bench.

Framingham State University in Massachusetts has canceled future Cinco de Mayo events after a student complained about the decorations and burrito bar “‘I feel as though whenever an event like this is taking place we go straight to stereotypes and it is EXTREMELY offensive!’
What’s next? Waiting for someone to complain that the 4th of July is offensive to those of British heritage.

 

Apparently a convoy of tourists in Afghanistan was attacked by the Taliban and at least six were injured. Shocking. There are tourists now in Afghanistan?

An 11 year old boy in North Carolina asked Mike Pence  “I’ve been watching the news lately and I’ve been noticing lately that you’ve been kind of softening up on Mr. Trump’s policies and words. Is this going to be your role in the administration?”
This kid has more cojones than most journalists, can one of the networks sign him up?

The man accused of killing nine African-Americans in a Charleston church was apparently attacked and beaten today by a fellow inmate in jail today. “I feel so sorry for him” said no one.

 

If someone had written a novel about @realDonaldTrump’s Presidential campaign it would have been rejected by editors as too unbelievable.

 

#‎RussellWestbrook‬ reportedly deleted ‪#‎KevinDurant‬‘s farewell text to him. So “You had me at good bye?”

A young man with “mental health issues” in London is apparently responsible for fatally stabbing one woman and injuring several other people. Can only imagine had he been in the US with access to guns.

 –
Sad, a knife attack in London has left 1 dead and several injured. A 19 year-old man is in custody. While terrorism remains a possibility,” the police say “mental health was a significant factor.”
“Mental health?” No race or religion to blame? Well, carry on then…

 

 

From Gerry. W., a fee that could make airlines millions,  and that many travelers would actually  applaud:   http://www.cbc.ca/beta/comedy/funnystuff/air-canada-to-start-charging-for-emotional-baggage-in-2017-1.3631162

Get out the rake.

July 31, 2016

Madison Bumgarner today had a pinch-hit lead off double for the SF Giants.  Too bad manager Bruce Bochy doesn’t have more bench players who can hit like him. #PItcherswhorake

 

After Saturday’s SF Giants win manager Bruce Bochy was talking about deciding who to pinch hit: “Of course I’ve got Bumgarner on my left shoulder wearing me out”. And Bochy thought it was bad before today…

 

So at what point does some opposing pitcher write on wall of SFGiants visitor’s dugout “Do NOT throw fastballs to #40?”

 

The Chicago Cubs  put pitcher Travis Wood in left & he made a great catch against ivy at Wrigley. Uh, oh, hope Madison Bumgarner isn’t watching. He’ll want to play the outfield next.

Then in the bottom of the 12th, Jon Lester won it for the Cubs with a suicide squeeze. #Pitcherswhokindofrake?

 

 

Earlier today the Warriors’ Draymond Green posted a picture of his junk on Snapchat, then took it down about 10 min later “I kinda hit the wrong button and it sucks. It was meant to be private. We’re all one click away from placing something in the wrong place and I suffered from that this morning.”
Uh, “WE’RE all…?” ‪#‎Ifsocialmediaisoutlawedonlyoutlawswillhavesocialmedia‬?. Or more like ‪#‎Cantfixstupid‬

The Brewers are 15 games out in 4th place, and catcher Jonathan Lucroy just exercised no-trade clause to veto trade to the first place Indians. Maybe just as well for Cleveland, has anyone checked Locroy for concussions?.

The Yankees have traded Andrew Miller, effectively surrendering for the season. Time for ESPN really to focus on football

After tweets of hers from 2013-14 showed her repeatedly using the “N” word, Miss Teen USA, Karlie Hay, 18, apologized, saying “several years ago I had many personal struggles and found myself in a place that is not representative of who I am as a person.”
So, Ms. Hay is young, but is she aspiring to be a GOP speechwriter?

 

Waiting for the Trump excuse, “I alone can debate myself.”

Let me see if I have this right. Trump supporters believe parents of children who were killed accidentally by illegal immigrant drivers were onstage for the good of our country, but the parents of a Muslim-American who died in Iraq were telling their story only for political propaganda….

 

From T.C.  “Sign that I’m bringing to AT&T Park. Hunter Pence has read The Constitution!!”

Not with a whimper but three bangs?

July 29, 2016

SF Giants announcer Mike Krukow referred tonight to the Giants’ “inning ending triple play.”  Yeah, that’s the worst kind.  #redundant

So many ‪#‎SFGiants‬ hitters are beyond due that the clubhouse should start stocking pitocin.

Time for ‪#‎SFGiants‬ to get it together, no more ‪#‎RNC‬ & ‪#‎DNC‬ conventions to distract us anymore from their recent awfulness.

Justin Bieber reportedly turned down $5 million offer to perform at an event during last week’s GOP convention. Well, makes sense, we all know how careful Bieber is to avoid embarrassing things that might hurt his image.

 

Today @realDonaldTrump said he has best temperament of anyone who’s ever run for President. ‪#‎Idonotthinkthatwordmeanswhatyouthinkitmeans‬.

A Florida man is planning to sue after he spent 10 hours in jail when a police officer thought he had flakes of crystal meth on the floor of his car. It turned out to be glaze crumbs from Krispy Kreme
What is this world coming to when police cannot recognize doughnuts?

Olympic rower Megan Kalmoe on the upcoming Rio Olympics: “I will row through s–t for you, America.” As long as none of these victorious rowers toss their coxswains in the water.

The IRS is investigating Facebook’s having moved assets to their Irish subsidiary to avoid taxes, and the company said they could end up owing $3-5 billion. Two words – “more ads.”

Florida Governor Rick Scott has rejected federal money for high-speed rail, rejected Obamacare funding to expand Medicaid and criticized the President at every turn. Now with Zika cases in the state, “The federal government needs to show up and do their part.”
And Obama’s got to be thinking “What part?

Donald Trump tweeted in 2012 “Mike Bloomberg is doing a great job as Mayor of New York City. Ray Kelly is a great Police Commissioner. Mike Bloomberg.”
Wow, the Donald turns on some of these people so fast you’d think he used to be married to them.

Trump tweeted Hillary is “owned by Wall Street.” Spoken by someone whose response to being owned is just to declare bankruptcy?

Donald Trump yesterday said that watching the DNC made him want to “hit a number of those speakers so hard, their heads would spin.”
So if elected the Donald would sure make the USA popular at things like the G8 and other summits.

#‎WholeFoods‬ stock fell 9 percent yesterday. Wow. How often do you see a price of anything Whole Foods drop?

(assist to paul lander on the wording)

The Martins have traded for Andrew Cashner and Colin Rea. So they’re bolstering their rotation for an October playoff run and a November sell-off.

Dallas LB Damien WIlson will miss the beginning of training camp with an eye injury he suffered playing paintball. The Cowboys aren’t thrilled, but have to figure better another injury than another arrest.

Donald Trump, unhappy about Hillary’s speech last night “I’ve been nice,But after watching that performance last night — such lies — I don’t have to be so nice anymore. I’m taking the gloves off.”
And he said it with a straight face.

 

A 16 year old boy is in custody in Houston after police say he fatally shot his parents, former player Antonio Armstrong and his wife Dawn, late last night. His siblings were also in the house but unarmed. No apparent motive. So just another Texas case of guns keeping people safer.

Still the one.

July 26, 2016

Hillary Clinton to “young girls” watching,  says she hopes to be the first woman president” but “you will be next.” Ok, but, I would like  more women presidents BEFORE they grow up.

‪#‎BillClinton‬ “For those of us with more yesterdays than tomorrows its all about our children & grandchildren” ‪#‎HesStillGotIt‬ ‪#‎DemsInPhilly‬

Bill Clinton is proving tonight you dont have to be ‪#‎MickJagger‬ to be a 70 year old rock star. ‪#‎DemConvention‬

Bill Clinton may or may not be “First Man” But making strong pitch to take over commercial for ‪#‎MostInterestingManInTheWorld‬

Bill Clinton on Dorothy Rodman “Knowing her was one of Hillary’s greatest gifts to me.” Shameless & lovely plug for the mother-in-law vote.

Seeing just a bit of sniping against Michelle and her future prospects after her speech saying she’s just a first lady. But really, does anyone think if Barack didn’t marry her that he’d be in the Oval Office today? ‪#‎hemarriedup‬

 

#‎MattCain‬ not only got the win tonight, he threw down the hitting gauntlet to ‪#‎Madbum‬ tomorrow. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

Would like to thank aliens who abducted ‪#‎SFGiants‬ & started wearing their uniforms for returning our real Giants tonight.

The Cowboys now have three defensive players suspended for substance abuse at the start of the 2016 season. So to their coaching staff will Dallas be adding a probation officer?

Eagles LB Nigel Bradham was arrested in Miami for aggravated assault; he allegedly beat up a 50 year-old hotel worker who didn’t get his umbrella set up quickly enough. Is Bradham trying to get traded to the 49ers or Cowboys?

Aaron Rodgers on his estranged little brother Jordan on “The Bachelorette” “I haven’t seen the show. To be honest with you, so it hasn’t really affected me a whole lot. As far as those kinds of things go, I’ve always found that it’s a little inappropriate to talk publicly about some family matters, so I’m just — I’m not going to speak on those things, but I wish him well in the competition.”
Sounds like Aaron actually learned something at Cal.

So now Trump is attacking Bernie Sanders. Is there anyone the Donald doesn’t turn on eventually, including the women he marries?

‪#‎CoryBooker‬ responded to @realDonaldTrump’s nasty tweet with “I love you Donald.” So is that the New Jersey equivalent of ‪#‎BlessYourHeart‬

Donald Trump is threatening not to pay a hotel in Virginia for an event Monday because he said it was too hot in the ballroom. Maybe because there isn’t an air-conditioning system in the world that can deal with that much hot air?

Donald Trump now says instead of using Twitter once elected President he’d have a personal White House hotline that will keep him “very busy at night” for complaints against VA hospitals.
Who is he kidding, the Donald didn’t even deal with complaints against Trump University?

 

Some critical of  Bill Clinton’s ignoring ‪#‎MonicaLewinsky‬ years. Same folks didn’t have a problem with ‪#‎Trump‬ not mentioning his 1st 2 wives.

Madeleine Albright says national security is not like hosting a reality tv show. Trump listening and trying to figure out how to fire her.

 

Interesting review of Clinton’s speech. “Bill cast Hillary as a real person—when she herself can seem remote, brittle, defensive and evasive. He sold her far better than she sells herself The man can tell a story. And in politics, that matters.”
The commie pinko sources? FoxNews.com

So the Dems aren’t all quite coming together and singing “Kumbaya.” On the other hand, they’re not making speeches like Ted Cruz, or doing stuff like John Kasich, who posted a fake website for “Trump-Putin 2016.” ‪#‎nottheOnion‬

 

Nice change over all today for unity at the DNC though . From Marc Ragovin “Hillary Clinton got so beaten up in Philadelphia on the opening night of the Democratic National Convention that even Santa Claus felt sorry for her.”