Archive for the ‘political jokes. election jokes’ category

The more things change…

October 1, 2016

Seems like old times – #RyanVogelsong starting tomorrow against #Cardinals tomorrow and a win puts the #SFGiants in playoffs..

 

As expected, #TyBlach vs #ClaytonKershaw was no contest, really. #SFGiants #Dodgers

One thing you can say about #TyBlach, he’s no #SalomonTorres. #SFGiants

 

Heaven knows the SF Giants have had some horrible losses this year. But when the playoffs are on the line & you lose to the Braves and the As, well, then maybe you really shouldn’t be in the postseason. #Tigers #Mariners

By my count, #SFGiants pitchers have 48 hits & 33 RBI’s this year. #WedontneednostinkinDH #PitchersWhoRake

 

Alabama coach Nick Saban says of star LB Tim Williams, arrested this week on gun charges, that he will face “internal” discipline, which will not involve a loss of playing time. So what will Williams have to do – go to a class? #suspensionsareforbenchplayers

Tomorrow morning’s game – try to tell the difference between whatever lines are uttered by Alec Baldwin tonight on SNL pretending to be Trump. and lines from the real Donald.

Trump tweeted last night “For those few people knocking me for tweeting at three o’clock in the morning, at least you know I will be there, awake, to answer the call!”
True, but maybe we don’t want the call answered by someone in the midst of the Twitter equivalent of drunk-dialing?.

Flipping through Glamour magazine at the nail salon I saw some interviews with women saying who they were voting for and why. About 2/3 were for Clinton, but one Trump gal starts out her statement “When I was little I was for Hillary….” She is 18 years old.

The Seahawks’ Doug Baldwin, a Stanford graduate whose father is a police officer, says he has received death threats because he called for law enforcement “to eliminate militaristic cultures while putting a higher emphasis on de-escalation tactics and crisis management measures.”
Got to wonder if some of the threats are from people who couldn’t even translate what he said.

 

Friday’s top quote: I’m “not sure anybody is more qualified than Hillary Clinton to be president of the United States.” The speaker, Bill Weld – former governor of Massachusetts and Gary Johnson’s running mate.

So by comparison was Leona Helmsley one of the “little people” who paid taxes?

#LastTimeTrumpPaidTaxes #HillaryClinton was just signing up for a newfangled AOL email account.

Jacob Hall, the 6 year-old boy shot at his South Carolina elementary school this week has died. His alleged 14-year old killer had been home-schooled since he was been expelled for bringing a gun to class. So are we going to build walls around schools or make sure all children are armed?

 

From Marc Ragovin.  “no bigger joke than the way mlb handled the end of thursday’s Cards/Reds game.”

(for anyone who didn’t watch or didn’t read about it later, the umpires somehow missed the fact that a ball bounced out of play over the fence and then bounced back, which was a ground rule double, and not a ball that would have let the Cardinals runner score from first.)

 

From Neal , post Friday night.  “Tonight’s #SFGiants game & his body slam of a fan running on the field, free agent #AngelPagan may be offered a contract by the #SF49ers?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Not taken for granite.

February 9, 2016

New Hampshire results are in. So now be know even more about what voters in small white states think.

But first some non-primary jokes:

 

Quicken Loans Super Bowl ad had the idea that people could get a mortgage on their phones, and asked: “If it could be that easy, wouldn’t more people buy homes?” Guessing they won’t run the ad in theaters before “The Big Short?”

If we needed any more proof that Jim Harbaugh is turning Michigan back into a powerhouse, the SEC has asked the NCAA to stop the Wolverines practicing in Florida over Spring Break, saying Harbaugh is taking his players “free time away.” Right, because the SEC is SO concerned about student-athletes’ well being….

Meteorologists are now saying Royal Caribbean should not have sailed their Anthem of the Seas ship into hurricane force winds as the storm was “well-forecast.” So guessing ambulance-chasing lawyers and class-action lawsuits in three, two, one…..

Disney’s “Frozen” is coming to Broadway in 2018. And so millions more American parents of daughters who weren’t old enough for the 2013 movie will discover the soundtrack and start wishing they really could “Let it Go.”

Rick Snyder was asked to speak before Congress on the Flint water crisis and declined, saying he has a budget meeting. Imagine how the GOP would react if Jennifer Granholm was still Governor of Michigan and declined such an invitation. Of course, if Granholm was still Governor we probably wouldn’t have the Flint water crisis.

At a Trump rally, the Donald repeated a woman’s insult about Ted Cruz “She said he’s a pussy.” Prompting calls for an immediate apology, from cats.

 

Chris Christie didn’t do that well in New Hampshire. But thinking all GOP candidates not named Rubio owe him a thank-you gift. Maybe bridge mix?

 

John Kasich tonight said “the light overcame the darkness of negative campaigning.” Translation, “if I start really gaining traction I’ll have my Super PAC do the negative campaigning for me.”

 

John Kasich said of his campaign moving on from New Hampshire to South Carolina from “We’re going to be changing some snowshoes for some flip-flops and we’re going to go from fried clams to jambalaya.”
Jeez, Governor, it’s jambalaya is Louisiana, in South Carolina it’s “perloo.” Get your pandering straight.

 

 

Chris Christie said he’s going to “take a deep breath” and go home. Apparently he’s out of money. But the thought of the Governor quitting and going back to his state might bring a flood of donations. From New Jerseyans.

So if today marks the end of the campaign, suppose it’s somehow apt that the happened on

Last Democrat to win ‪#‎NewHampshire‬ primary and the Presidency in the same year? ‪#‎JimmyCarter‬

 

A subdued Marco Rubio “We did not do well on Saturday and so listen to this: That will never happen again.” Does that mean Rubio is dropping out of future debates?

Donald Trump’s son Eric says that waterboarding is “quite frankly is no different than what happens on college campuses and frat houses every day.”
So just how many of the GOP candidates were frat boys anyway?

The Daily Show’s Jessica Williams, responding to Rudy Giuliani’s whine that the Super Bowl halftime show should have “wholesome” entertainment “You’re right…The fans deserve wholesome entertainment: Like watching 300-pound men give each other concussions while a crowd cheers like extras in the movie Gladiator. So what is wrong with Beyoncé, everyone? Were you not entertained?”
Three word hashtag ‪#‎YouGoGirl‬

Lowering the bar.

December 19, 2015

Florida announced that QB Will Grier. suspended until late in the 2016 season for PEDs, will transfer. Coach Jim McElwain said “this has been very difficult on him and obviously he is looking for a fresh start.” Obviously. Or at least more lax drug testing.

Martin Shkreli has tweeted out “I am confident I will prevail. The allegations against me are baseless and without merit.” Uh, has it occurred to Shkreli that the only people who don’t think he’s a complete scumbag are the same people who are plenty rich enough to get out of jury duty?

The first college bowl game – the Air Force Reserve Celebration Bowl – was today was between Alcorn State and North Carolina A&T – Be honest. Who even knew those two schools had football teams?

Our symbol is not the barbed wire fence, it is the Statue of Liberty. ‪#‎DemDebate‬ ‪#‎OMalley‬ ‪#‎Stillwontwinbutnicelysaid‬

#‎MartinOMalley‬ “Can I offer another generation’s perspective?” Not like millennials are watching, but if they were “you guys are all old.”

Love Bernie Sanders but every time you see him talk you expect to hear him yell “You punks get off my lawn.” ‪#‎DemDebate‬

So Matt Cassell managed to throw an interception and get called for intentional grounding on the same play. ‪#‎NYJvsDAL‬ Somewhere Mark Sanchez is giggling. ‪#‎almostabuttfumble‬

#‎MartinOMalley‬ “Can I offer another generation’s perspective?” Not like millennials are watching, but if they were “you guys are all old.”

 

Obama met with families of those people killed in San Bernadino yesterday, and a local GOP supervisor criticizing him for it. saying the President should have met with the wounded too. The supervisor also accused Obama of “politicizing” the tragedy. And he said it with a straight face. ‪#‎cantwin‬

 

Tonight the ‪#‎DallasCowboys‬ were officially eliminated from the playoffs. No punchline, I just like writing it.

Back to the past

October 21, 2015

Guess ‪#‎BackToTheFuture‬ was as accurate a predictor as all those prophecies of the Rapture. ‪#‎NLCS‬ ‪#‎Mets‬ ‪#‎Cubs‬

So did original “Back to the Future” come out during Bartolo Colon’s rookie year? Not quite, but at 12 he was old enough to see it. ‪#‎Mets‬

Well, at least this one’s not on Steve Bartman ‪#‎Cubs‬ ‪#‎Mets‬ ‪#‎NLCS‬

Joe Biden says he is not running for President, saying there is not enough time to mount an effective campaign. And about a dozen GOP candidates are saying “What’s an effective campaign?”

Maybe the ‪#‎Cubs‬ had to lose. With ‪#‎JoeBiden‬ dropping out of Presidential race, God didn’t want to give comedy writers a 2nd blow in one day

The Mets’ Daniel Murphy is looking at a big payday next season. But as far as endorsement contracts, just thinking Murphy might be regretting those anti-gay comments he made in March.

Chris Christie wants to stop flights from NJ to Cuba. Is he afraid too many New Jerseyans will defect.

United sent out an email today saying they had completed Wi-Fi installations on
791 aircraft, representing 92% of our domestic fleet 91% of our international fleet. And on about half of those planes, the Wi-Fi actually works.

Texas Monthly wrote this week about a phrase they use in Norway to describe a situation as “totally crazy” – “Helt Texas.” (The literal translation, “quite Texas.”)
Apparently not many Norwegians have been to Florida?

Former Michigan coach Brady Hoke said he would have have punted on fourth down with 10 seconds left last week against Michigan State. Uh, Brady Hoke wouldn’t have had the lead with 10 seconds left against Michigan State.

The NHL Columbus Blue Jackets have fired coach Todd Richards after an 0-7 start. Surprised reactions across the country. “Columbus has a hockey team?” and “the NHL has started already?”

The rumors aren’t going away that Marshawn Lynch was drag racing Seahawks teammate Fred Jackson when he crashed. If true will Lynch’s defense be that he was just in a hurry to get somewhere so he wouldn’t be fined?

Now that Paul Ryan is making time with his family a requirement for his being Speaker maybe he can use his clout to get the “Family Medical and Insurance Leave” act out of purgatory in the House Ways and Means Committee where it has been languishing this year. Wonder if he knows the chair of the committee? ‪#‎sarcasm‬

(Ryan IS the chair of the committee.)

Am trying to imagine what the GOP would do if Hillary Clinton said one non-negotiable thing if she becomes President would be making some time every week for her granddaughter.

Bristol Palin has apparently come to a child support agreement with her first baby daddy Levi Johnston. Which is probably a good thing, as guessing Bristol won’t be getting that $250,000 plus a year any more as a spokeswoman for abstinence.