Posted tagged ‘tax jokes’

Missed it by THAT much

December 21, 2017

NFL tells officials not to use index cards to measure 1st downs. The way officiating has been going this year might be more appropriate to use toilet paper.

 

Lakers guard Kentavious Caldwell-Pope is actually serving a 25-day jail sentence but playing home games under a work release program.
So will a similar plan soon be in place for staff in Trump White House?

 

 

Another 2017 Bummer. RIP Dick Enberg. Though in a long life he really did “touch em all.”

 

FBI documents allege Adidas paid Brian Bowen’s father $100,000 for recruit to sign w/ Louisville. Bowen says he knows “nothing about it”, has never talked about it with his dad, even though he and his father are “closer than ever.” Almost enough to make you miss “tainted supplements.

 

“Spare the Air” alerts mean San Francisco Bay Area homes can’t have actual wood fires in their fireplaces Christmas Eve. Well, good news at least for Santa.

In Spanish regional elections, Catalonia secessionist parties tonight declared victory. Blue states in US thinking “You can do that?”

 

Yet another reason companies should hire more women – heck of a lot less likely they’ll have to be fired for sexual harassment.

Inserted into tax bill-, pro athletes may no longer deduct agents’ commissions from their salaries. Trump must really not want any more championship teams visiting him in White House.

Ivanka, while taking some credit for tax bill, “I spent a lot of time with Sen. Corker as well and he had real integrity around this process.” #CorkerKickback#whythereisnosatire

Americans who pay attention to Fox News must be feeling pretty good about the prospects for impeaching President Hillary Clinton.

Ted Cruz – With GOP bill, everyone’s taxes will go down except “rich people in Manhattan and SF.” Uh, Ted. “average effective property tax rate in Texas 1.94%, 4th highest rate of any state.”

As ghastly as thought of Steve Bannon running for President is, the thought of a Bannon-Trump debate sounds like must-see TV.

Millionaires and billionaires needed a tax cut like Mar-A-Lago needed to raise their prices for New Year’s Eve.

Right-wing website blamed Doug Jones’ win in Alabama on a coalition of “Muslims, Hispanics and mainly black Christians.” Don’t forget women. And sorry guys, we can and will vote. Even more outside of Alabama.

Upsetting?

December 20, 2017

UNC expected to be hard hit by GOP Tax Bill eliminating tax deductible donations to buy football/basketball tickets. But did anyone expect it this fast? #Wofford

Wonder how many San Franciscans who are not really sports fans are thinking “Wait, what is Eva Longoria doing with the Giants?”

Welcome to San Francisco Evan Longoria. Hoping you like SF Giants as much as you will like AT&T Park compared to Tropicana Field.  And yeah, those people in the stands you will now seee regularly are called “fans.”

 

Eva Longoria & Evan Longoria are not  related. But Eva’s a fan, and pretty sure SF Giants will be happy to get her good seats to any AT&T park games she wants to attend.

MLB commissioner Manfred on Marlins’ fire sale “This (Jeter) group has a long-term commitment to winning.” Of course, that “winning” might be in the Bronx.

Lavar Ball says he will  start basketball league where top HS prospects get paid $10k a month instead of going to college. Well, except for players at some colleges that might be a pay cut.

So when does Jacob Marley show up at Mar-A-Lago for Christmas dinner?

Rosie O’Donnell taking heat for offering Senators Flake & Collins $2 million to vote against #GOPTaxScamBill, a bribe which is a felony. Silly @Rosie, the only legal bribes for Senators have to be written into legislation.

If Mike Pence gets any more fawning with Trump the V.P.’s wife may not let him have any more dinners alone with Donald.

So GOP Tax Bill  gets passed on the 2nd shortest day of 2017.   #Itsalwaysdarkestbeforethedawn

Alabama Acting Senator Luther Strange, who voted for GOP Tax Bill is already out of office. How many more Senators & Reps will follow him in 2018?

GOP Tax bill  talks about “unborn children” as part of party’s anti-abortion strategy, but Republicans still can’t fund CHIP. So it’s “we fight for you in utero but once born you ingrates are on your own?” #WTF

At least corporate America’s PR attempts before the holidays will put some money in workers’ pockets in 2017. Easy to toss some crumbs when you’ve been gifted a BIG golden loaf.

Of course if Donald Trump were telling truth & #GOPTaxBillScam doesn’t benefit him he could easily prove it by releasing tax returns.

Chris Christie put Jared Kushner’s father in jail, Jared got Chris kicked out of Trump administration. Now Christie says Kushner deserves scrutiny in the Mueller investigation. Mean bitch karma loves symmetry

From T.C.   “Lakers retired both of Kobe’s two jersey numbers this week (#8 & #24). He then tries to convince the wife he that he never lead a double life.

41 and counting.

December 15, 2017

And of 41 college football bowl games, six are on Dec. 16. And if you can name at least half of them without Google, you just might need a life.

 

Now it’s Dave Brubaker, women’s national team director of Gymnastics Canada, facing sex-charges. Sad. Those days seem so innocent when we “just” worried about gymnasts’ eating disorders.

Carlos Santana leaves the Indians for the Phillies. 3 years, $60 million.  Plus he gets Octobers off!

NFL owner being investigated for “workplace misconduct.” Millions of Americans disappointed that it isn’t Jerry Jones or Dan Snyder.#JerryRichardson #Panthers

Now, I adore Kawhi Leonard. But the Spurs are 0-2 since he returned in limited minutes.  So maybe this doesn’t burnish his MVP credentials.

 

Alabama and San Francisco now have something in common – No Moore.

AOL is officially killing AIM. And millions of millennials have no idea what either of those are.

So it’s a May 19 wedding for Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. Does probably make it easier to remember your anniversary when it’s printed on tea towels.

 

In an attempt to get Rubio’s vote, GOP plans to increase child tax credit $300. Wow. That ought to pay for a whole week of day care.

#TaxBill has losses from fires, floods or other events no longer deductible unless covered by specific federal disaster declaration. But GOP will offer lots of thoughts and prayers.

EPA hires an opposition research firm to help them shape media coverage, CDC can’t use words: “vulnerable,” “entitlement,” “diversity,” “transgender,” “fetus,” “evidence-based” & “science-based.”
I liked Orwell better as a novelist than a prophet.

Trump attacks FBI, saying “People are very, very angry.” “People?” Is that another term for his Russian bot followers?

 

Trump “visa lottery..really the worst of the worst.” He misspoke on “visa lottery” – meant to say “my system for picking judges.”

 

Barack Obama dressed up as Santa Claus at a Washington DC Boys & Girls Club. Don’t tell Trump. He’ll repeal Santa.

The more things change…

October 1, 2016

Seems like old times – #RyanVogelsong starting tomorrow against #Cardinals tomorrow and a win puts the #SFGiants in playoffs..

 

As expected, #TyBlach vs #ClaytonKershaw was no contest, really. #SFGiants #Dodgers

One thing you can say about #TyBlach, he’s no #SalomonTorres. #SFGiants

 

Heaven knows the SF Giants have had some horrible losses this year. But when the playoffs are on the line & you lose to the Braves and the As, well, then maybe you really shouldn’t be in the postseason. #Tigers #Mariners

By my count, #SFGiants pitchers have 48 hits & 33 RBI’s this year. #WedontneednostinkinDH #PitchersWhoRake

 

Alabama coach Nick Saban says of star LB Tim Williams, arrested this week on gun charges, that he will face “internal” discipline, which will not involve a loss of playing time. So what will Williams have to do – go to a class? #suspensionsareforbenchplayers

Tomorrow morning’s game – try to tell the difference between whatever lines are uttered by Alec Baldwin tonight on SNL pretending to be Trump. and lines from the real Donald.

Trump tweeted last night “For those few people knocking me for tweeting at three o’clock in the morning, at least you know I will be there, awake, to answer the call!”
True, but maybe we don’t want the call answered by someone in the midst of the Twitter equivalent of drunk-dialing?.

Flipping through Glamour magazine at the nail salon I saw some interviews with women saying who they were voting for and why. About 2/3 were for Clinton, but one Trump gal starts out her statement “When I was little I was for Hillary….” She is 18 years old.

The Seahawks’ Doug Baldwin, a Stanford graduate whose father is a police officer, says he has received death threats because he called for law enforcement “to eliminate militaristic cultures while putting a higher emphasis on de-escalation tactics and crisis management measures.”
Got to wonder if some of the threats are from people who couldn’t even translate what he said.

 

Friday’s top quote: I’m “not sure anybody is more qualified than Hillary Clinton to be president of the United States.” The speaker, Bill Weld – former governor of Massachusetts and Gary Johnson’s running mate.

So by comparison was Leona Helmsley one of the “little people” who paid taxes?

#LastTimeTrumpPaidTaxes #HillaryClinton was just signing up for a newfangled AOL email account.

Jacob Hall, the 6 year-old boy shot at his South Carolina elementary school this week has died. His alleged 14-year old killer had been home-schooled since he was been expelled for bringing a gun to class. So are we going to build walls around schools or make sure all children are armed?

 

From Marc Ragovin.  “no bigger joke than the way mlb handled the end of thursday’s Cards/Reds game.”

(for anyone who didn’t watch or didn’t read about it later, the umpires somehow missed the fact that a ball bounced out of play over the fence and then bounced back, which was a ground rule double, and not a ball that would have let the Cardinals runner score from first.)

 

From Neal , post Friday night.  “Tonight’s #SFGiants game & his body slam of a fan running on the field, free agent #AngelPagan may be offered a contract by the #SF49ers?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Taxing day – and rough times in Washington

April 14, 2009

Actually, this year almost all Americans will find they are paying less taxes… Unfortunately it’s because almost all Americans have less income.

The Washington Capitals, with one of the best records in the NHL, start the playoffs this week.  And considering that the Stanley Cup Finals don’t finish unti June, the Capitals may be playing meaningful games longer than the Nationals.

The Washington Nationals as of Tuesday night are the last winless team in Major League Baseball, while the Washington Wizards are finishing up one of the worst NBA seasons ever.   Which is scary, because for non-hockey fans, the most competent operation in town to watch just MIGHT be Congress.

The Boston Red Sox, with one of the highest payrolls in baseball, have started out the year 2-6.   With that kind of return on investment they may not make the playoffs, but if they keep it up they could be eligible for a federal bailout.

Defense Secretary Gates called the Somali pirates “untrained teenagers with heavy weapons.”  Either that or he was describing the populations of many of US inner cities.

Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is rumored to be interested in joining a reality show.  I believe the title is “Dancing with the Truth.”

The Vatican vetoed the appointment of Caroline Kennedy as U.S. Ambassador.  This despite the fact that she is one of the most beloved American Catholics, has a record of public service, and is a married mother of three.  Apparently the Vatican doesn’t, however, like her support for women’s reproductive rights.

Well, if it’s all about procreation, maybe Obama should just nominate Nayda Suleman?

And in California, a bill has been introduced to make marijuana legal, though it faces heavy opposition.  This despite a state budget crisis, the fact that marijuana just might be the largest agricultural crop in the state, and that  it has been smoked by the last three Presidents.  (And the children of at least the two before that.)