Posted tagged ‘Nayda Suleman jokes’

NBA playoff thrillers and other fantasies…

May 20, 2010

Not to say these NBA playoff games have largely been lopsided and uninteresting, but there was a heck of a lot more drama in the draft ping-pong balls.

The NBA teases fans all year with the promise that despite often lackluster and disappointing regular season performances, that more exciting things are to come when the post season arrives. And then when the post season starts out equally disappointing, that the NEXT round will be better. Who’s sponsoring this league anyway? Microsoft?

So the Los Angeles Lakers beat the Suns 124-112 to go up 2-0 in their NBA Western Conference Finals. But the Suns have a strategy for when game three returns to Phoenix. They’ll just tell local police that Kobe Bryant was really born in Kenya.

Looks like the Orlando Magic will last in the playoffs about as long as a $20 bill lasts at Disney World.

Bristol Palin is hitting the lecture circuit, with a speaking fee of up to $30,000 per appearance. Her topic? “How being an unwed mother can keep you from having a profitable career.”

PETA is paying Nayda Suleman to have a plastic sign in her front lawm that reads: “Don’t Let Your Dog or Cat Become an Octomom. Always Spay or Neuter.” – The organization also is offering Suleman a free month’s supply of veggie dogs and burgers, and has offered to pay for spaying HER.

Recent polls show a tightening race in the California gubernatorial primary. Which some pundits say could mean more mudslinging. More mud? As anyone who watches television in California will tell you, isn’t that at this point like BP spilling more oil.

The inventor of the ATM machine, John Shepherd-Barron, just died. His funeral will be free and open to the public, however, for non-members of his church, your regular place of worship may charge you for attending.

Meg Whitman’s 50-point lead over Steve Poizner now apparently has dwindled to single digits. Despite the millions Whitman has poured into the race already. Unfortunately for the former CEO of EBAY, this election didn’t have a “Buy It Now” button.

BP apparently told federal regulators that they could handle an oil spill 50 times the size of the one they are currently trying to deal with now. Isn’t it time to change the company name to “Barely Plausible”

Whats the difference between the Detroit Red Wings and the San Jose Sharks? At this point, looks like about a week.

A record that will never be broken. Forget DiMaggio’s hitting streak, how about Cy Young’s total victories – 511. To put that in perspective. 511 is more than the Royals had in the past eight full SEASONS. And actually counting what they have so far in 2010, the 8 1/4 year total is 490..

Taxing day – and rough times in Washington

April 14, 2009

Actually, this year almost all Americans will find they are paying less taxes… Unfortunately it’s because almost all Americans have less income.

The Washington Capitals, with one of the best records in the NHL, start the playoffs this week.  And considering that the Stanley Cup Finals don’t finish unti June, the Capitals may be playing meaningful games longer than the Nationals.

The Washington Nationals as of Tuesday night are the last winless team in Major League Baseball, while the Washington Wizards are finishing up one of the worst NBA seasons ever.   Which is scary, because for non-hockey fans, the most competent operation in town to watch just MIGHT be Congress.

The Boston Red Sox, with one of the highest payrolls in baseball, have started out the year 2-6.   With that kind of return on investment they may not make the playoffs, but if they keep it up they could be eligible for a federal bailout.

Defense Secretary Gates called the Somali pirates “untrained teenagers with heavy weapons.”  Either that or he was describing the populations of many of US inner cities.

Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is rumored to be interested in joining a reality show.  I believe the title is “Dancing with the Truth.”

The Vatican vetoed the appointment of Caroline Kennedy as U.S. Ambassador.  This despite the fact that she is one of the most beloved American Catholics, has a record of public service, and is a married mother of three.  Apparently the Vatican doesn’t, however, like her support for women’s reproductive rights.

Well, if it’s all about procreation, maybe Obama should just nominate Nayda Suleman?

And in California, a bill has been introduced to make marijuana legal, though it faces heavy opposition.  This despite a state budget crisis, the fact that marijuana just might be the largest agricultural crop in the state, and that  it has been smoked by the last three Presidents.  (And the children of at least the two before that.)

Countdown to March Madness…

March 17, 2009

Yes, it’s that time of year again. When millions more Americans find themselves not working, even the ones with jobs.

Really, really bad pun alert.

The Cleveland Plain Dealer reported that many men schedule vasectomies during March Madness, so they can have something to watch at home while they recuperate. One doctor said his schedule around the tournament games is full.

So what about those who called too late? Guess they missed the cut.

A semi-serious thought about March Madness. For football schools still resisting a playoff system, consider this. For the next few days, 64, actually 65, teams, will be scrutinized and followed seriously by millions of Americans. Even small schools. Underdog winners will become national darlings and the talk of newspapers, television and the internet.

Say, anyone remember if there was an upset in the Poulan Weed-Eater Independence Bowl?

Bad timing for AIG, if that news about their bonuses had leaked a few days later…most Americans would have been so busy following their brackets they might not have noticed.

AIG might have accomplished the impossible: making Nadya Shulman look deserving by comparison.

AIG could be on its way to setting records for having executives make money while accomplishing nothing. Previous records have been shared amongst executives of airlines, NBC, Congress, and of course the Chicago Cubs.

Then there’s the World Baseball Classic. An apparent attempt to make baseball as relevant to most Americans as hockey.

U.S. Manager Davey Johnson is actually talking about Team USA forfeiting and bowing out of the WBC due to injuries and the risk of futher injuries. Yep, just giving up. Which would be embarrassing, though for next year several players might be named honorary members of the French team.

More on that Bush library. But really, isn’t having a library for George W. Bush like building a museum dedicated to the Cubs in the World Series?

Or – more fill-in-the-blanks…

While we’re talking unlikely libraries, how about unlikely books…

a library dedicated to George W. Bush is about as likely as…

having a book written about the tact and discretion of Ann Coulter..

or the good judgment of AIG executives.

or the team spirit of Terrell Owens.

or the decisiveness of Brett Favre.

this could go on, and on…

And no word yet on if the $300 million Bush library price tag even includes crayons.

More celebrity airline fares?

March 8, 2009

Continuing the follow-up to JetBlue “Manny Fan fares” (which are for real!)

Timothy Geithner fares- taxes optional.

Alex Rodriguez fares – first class fares, generally worth the price until October.

NHL fares – marketed in the U.S. and Canada, but somehow hard to sell in the States.

Tiger Woods fares – only one potentially sold per flight. And then everyone else on the plane feels second-class.

Hillary Clinton fares – round-the-world fares, spouses not allowed.

Bill Clinton fares – sold in conjunction with Hillary Clinton fares. When your spouse buys a round-the-world ticket, you get a discounted ticket to a spring break hotspot.

Nayda Shulman fares – groups only. Six is not enough.

Detroit Lions fan fares – borrowing off the Southwest “Wanna get away” concept – valid football season only to anywhere NFL games are not shown live.

Terrell Owens fares – marketed to big city big name destinations, but somehow you can only end up going to Buffalo.

Joe Biden fares – a nice discount, but you have to listen first to a recording of a few rules and conditions…shouldn’t take more than an hour on the phone.

Bobby Jindal fares -highly hyped but never got off the ground.

Jason Mesnick – aka “the Bachelor” fares – one free change allowed.

AIG fares – not that cheap to begin with, and then they keep asking you for more and more money to keep the airline aloft.

NCAA tournament fares – announced the first week in March to 64 destinations, but there are always cities that feel unfairly left out.

Newt Gringrich fares – the anti-bereavement fares – instead of flying to visit sick relatives, you flee away from them.

Decision in California…

February 21, 2009

So who’d a thunk it ?- California would decide on a budget before Manny Ramirez would decide on a team.

Barack Obama took his first foreign trip to Canada this past week. He said in a speech there that he expected to fix the U.S. economy, bring the troops home from Iraq, and solve global warming. Realistically, however, he said there was nothing he could do about the Maple Leafs.

It turns out that the home where octuplet mom Nayda Suleman has been living with her mother and other six children might be foreclosed, as the mortgage hasn’t been paid in months.

Well, finally something about this nutty woman most Americans can relate to.

Now it turns out that newly appointed Illlinois Senator Roland Burris admits he tried to raise money for former Governor Blagojevich, but was unsuccessful. He still says he has nothing to hide. That’s like telling your partner or spouse you didn’t cheat on them during a business trip, after everyone you propositioned turned you down.

Roland Burris is being pressured to resign, even though he has only been in Washington for a month. That’s not even long enough to learn how to cheat on his taxes.

Burris also could be charged with perjury over the fundraising issue. It’s a strange situation in Illinois; the state with “Land of Lincoln” on their license plates seems to be sending a never ending supply of politicians to help make them.

Maybe they should change the license plate a bit. Instead of just saying “Land of Lincoln,” Illinois could add on the bottom “Honest Abe doesnt live here any more.”

Okay, who would have believed this about Nadya Suleman?

February 18, 2009

That someone could actually make Bristol Palin look like an advertisement for responsible parenthood?

(And actually, give Bristol Palin some credit, her press conference came off as a lot more sincere than A-Rod’s. And she didn’t even use the “young and stupid excuse.)

Though speaking of press conferences, baseball commissioner Bud Selig said today that he didn’t want to hear that he “turned a blind eye” to steroids, or that “he didn’t care about” the problem.

Can I be the first to nominate Bud and Nadya as King and Queen of Denial?

In the meantime, Alex Rodriguez keeps on apologizing, though he’s not quite sure what he’s apologizing for, and he’s not quite sure what he took, but he certainly only took whatever he’s not sure of for a few years..and he was a “young and stupid” twenty-five year old, and besides his cousin did the injections anyway.

A-Rod, look, you would have had us at “I’m sorry.”

Rodriguez also blamed some of the problem on not going to college, and said “If I had a son, I would definitely recommend him going to college.” Yeah, if you want to avoid all potentially illegal drugs, what better place than college? (See Michael Phelps.)

Michael Phelps got some good news, the sheriff in the South Carolina college town where that party photo was taken, has decided not to press charges. Because simply being photographed with a bong is not proof of intention. Just as the Clippers might be photographed with basketballs, but most of the time there’s no proof they intended to put them in the basket.

I didn’t write this one, but wish I had. (A friend told me the line, and I can’t find the original source.)

The new Sully Sullenberger cocktail – Two shots Grey Goose, and a splash of water.

Still working on an A-Rod cocktail. Best I have so far.

Two shots, no known recipe, and no accountability. Maybe it could be subtitled the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ cocktail?

Turns out a top Washington Nationals prospect, Esmailyn Gonzalez, from the Dominican Republican may have been using an assumed name, and is FOUR years older than his stated age of 19. The deception may keep him off the Nationals roster…but since he’s here, the guy has a great head start towards a spot in Congress.