Posted tagged ‘Selig jokes’

Ice bucket lists.

August 21, 2014

Obama says he has donated to ALS research but declined to participate in the #Icebucketchallenge. For which some are criticizing him. Had the President joined in, however, he would have been criticized for not acting presidential, or for wasting water…..

The Nationals have won 10 games in a row. Finally, something in Washington that won’t be blamed on Obama.

 

 

Twinkies have returned to store shelves but Hostess says they are closing one of the four bakeries that make them. Well, suppose they’ve probably baked at least a 10 year supply by now anyway.

 

 

 

Bud Selig, while he was in Oakland this week said that the increasingly slow pace of baseball games “drives me crazy.” Meanwhile, he had nothing to report on his “Blue Ribbon Committee” for the potential As move to San Jose, which Selig formed in 2009….

The Pittsburgh Steelers top two RBs, Le’Veon Bell and LeGarrette Blount, will both be charged with marijuana possession following a traffic stop. No word on their punishment but wonder when the NFLPA will start pushing for all training camps to be in Colorado and Washington?

Missouri RNC executive director Matt Wills is outraged about reports of voter registration booths in Ferguson. “If that’s not fanning the political flames, I don’t know what is. I think it’s not only disgusting but completely inappropriate.” Actually it seems very appropriate. Whichever “side” you’re on, voting seems more productive than just protesting.

From my funny friend, Jerry Perisho. “The SF Giants won a protest over their rain-shortened loss to the Chicago Cubs; so the game will be resumed today.. Meanwhile, the Cubs filed a protest requesting that each of their games over the last 106 years be replayed.”

Nice family values defense for former Virginia governor Bob McDonnell in his corruption trial – it’s all my wife’s fault.

 

 

Thursday,  Bank of America announced they have reached a $16.65 billion agreement, the biggest settlement in history, for allegedly misleading the buyers of mortgage-backed bonds. Friday I assume the bank will announce that checking fees are going up.

Pete Rose is hoping for a “second chance” from MLB as they change commissioners. Here’s a simple solution. Keep Rose from ever working in baseball again, but put him in the HOF.. Not like it’s exactly a Hall of Saints.

So the 49ers have replaced some loose sod in their new Levi’s stadium that apparently was causing players to slip. So does this mean the team thinks the Broncos, who won 34-0 in last Sunday’s preseason game, just had better cleats?

Why there is no satire. 50 Cent gave Floyd Mayweather an ice bucket alternative, to read one page of a ‘Harry Potter’ book in exchange for $750,000 to a charity of Mayweather’s choice. 50 Cent meant it as an English as a Second Language reading taunt, but he called it an ALS/ELS challenge….

Texas Gov. Rick Perry said that “although we have no clear evidence”, there’s a ‘very real possibility’ that “because of the condition of the border, from the standpoint of it not being secure and us not knowing who is penetrating across, that individuals from ISIS or other terrorist states could be entering the U.S.” As opposed to all those who have entered the U.S. legally and/or were home grown?

 

T.C. says the dreaded SI  jinx may have come into play for a 13 year old Little League pitcher? Mo’Ne Davis’s  team was eliminated with two losses in a row after they put her on the cover.

Walking the line?

July 20, 2014

The future King of England, Prince George, is upright. Probably more upright than Prince Harry after a night on the town.

Prince George Of Cambridge First Birthday

 

The Chicago Cubs have filed a lawsuit over “Billy Cub”, a fake mascot that allegedly has been engaging in bad behavior outside Wrigley Field. Wonder how long it will take some Cubs season ticket holders to file a lawsuit over bad behavior on the field inside Wrigley.

 

The Mariners and Angels have played two games since the All-Star Break, totaling 28 innings. Note to both teams, the World Cup is over, enough with the stoppage time.

And if  the MLB season ended today, the Angels and Mariners would be in a one-game wild card playoff. Seattle is 6.5 games behind L.A.(Anaheim.) But if they could start Felix Hernandez, they’d be the favorites to advance. Another “gift” from Bud Selig.

Giancarlo Stanton takes  Sergio Romo deep to lead off the bottom of the ninth in Miami. “I didn’t see that coming.” Said nobody.

 

In a 5-1 game that became a 5-3 game  #SFGiants manager Bruce Bochy removed Sergio Romo in the ninth after a home run and a double and apparently told Romo that it wasn’t about him finishing the game, but wanted Casilla to get the work. That’s his story and he’s sticking to it.

Huston Street, after being traded from San Diego to the Angels “I believe in the Padres’ ownership. They want to win and they are not content with status quo. I blame the players for what’s happened here.” Right, all those high-priced superstars that just can’t gell as a team, like so-and-so, and him, and.., can anyone name a Padre? (More than one.)

Newt Gingrich wrote an op-ed saying that President Obama hides in a fantasy world. Of course, Gingrich’s fantasy is that he’s still relevant.

Vladimir Putin is retaliating against new sanctions against Russia by denying some Americans visas. Just thinking flying into Russia is not at the top of too many people’s wish lists right now.

The NY Knicks may sign Metta World Peace again. Not sure if it will help the team. But this is good news for comedy writers.

Rand Paul, who’s against raising the minimum wage, talked about his son happily delivering pizza,: “The minimum wage is a temporary thing. It’s a chance to get started.” Of course, if you’re the son of a senator, it probably is a way to get started….what about all those other grown-ups still working those jobs?

The Selig era is almost basically over.

July 19, 2014

Bud Selig is actually supposed to retire in six months. He and baseball owners want former MLB deputy commissioner Steve Greenberg to be his replacement. But Greenberg says he doesn’t want the job, though he would be honored to follow Selig, who he calls “easily baseball’s greatest commissioner since Judge Landis.” Well, wishes aside, shouldn’t that statement disqualify Greenberg by reason of insanity?

Only 30% of Los Angeles area residents can see Dodgers games on TV due to a cable dispute. And David Rone, president of Time Warner Cable Sports, which distributes the games, says “It is unlikely that we are going to get a deal done. Suffering Midwest fans are thinking “why couldn’t this happen with the Cubs?”

 

Anyone else think Vladimir Putin is more likely to officiate at a gay wedding than he is to determine that MH17 was shot down by pro Russian-separatists?

 

 

The Federal Government has charged FedEx with drug trafficking for delivering illegal prescription drugs, allegedly for over a decade. What took the Government this long? Maybe they figured FedEx is taking profitable business from the post office?

 

 

Lebron James announced his return to Cleveland last week, but still hasn’t chosen if he will wear #6 or #23. How long until ESPN dedicates a special edition of Sports Center to the decision?

 

For all those who think the SFGiants have a problem at 2nd base, it could be worse. Dan Uggla, released by the Atlanta Braves, hit .162 with 2 home runs and is still owed over $18 million.

Red Sox GM Ben Cherington says the last-place team is not giving up on 2014 yet. And even Cubs fans are thinking “I want some of what you’re smoking.”

CNN had Michele Bachmann commented that Hillary Clinton “should be worried” about Elizabeth Warren in 2016. Michele Bachmann as a political prognosticator? Well, maybe since Paul the Octopus is no longer with us.

 

From Jim Barach ”  Downtown Los Angeles is at its driest since record-keeping began in 1877. Which means at least there is something in L.A. with a longer dry spell than the one that takes the Dodgers back to 1988.”

 

A Supreme Court injunction means that Utah has won at least a temporary delay in recognizing same-sex marriages. Guess the state figures if a man isn’t happy marrying a woman, he should just marry more women.

 

 

In Los Angeles, a man robbing a liquor store apparently accidentally shot and killed his accomplice. So sometimes the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is another bad guy with a gun.

 

The NY Yankees announced there will be  a Derek Jeter retirement ceremony on Sept 7. #FarewellCaptain Except that I thought the whole 2014 season was a Jeter retirement ceremony.

 

And finally.   Aldon Smith,  after a D.A. decided not to press charges for alleged LAX bomb threats, was sentenced Friday for possessing illegal fire arms. Along with a separate case of DUI and marijuana possession after driving and hitting a tree.

Smith got 3 years of probation, and 12 days of work crew on Mondays. Which will end before the 49ers first Monday night game.

So let this be a lesson to the youth of America. Behave yourselves. Unless you are SURE you have NFL level talent.

 

Smelly business.

June 17, 2013

The Oakland As and Seattle Mariners both had to use the Oakland Raiders’ locker room to shower after yesterday’s game with a sewage problem at the aging Coliseum created smelly pools of water in both clubhouses. Wonder how long it will take Bud Selig to appoint a “Blue Ribbon Committee” to look into the problem.

Love it. Some folks in Starbucks chatting about the whole government surveillance thing as the cheery gal behind the counter is getting a guy to sign up for a loyalty program that will reward – and track – every single purchase.

By a 7-2 vote, the Supreme Court today rejected an Arizona law asking voters to provide additional proof of citizenship beyond an oath for voter registration. Thomas and Alito dissented on states’ rights grounds. So where’s this “states rights” stuff when it comes to things like marijuana legalization?

Some travelers in Arizona claim they see the image of Jesus in a smudge on the floor at Phoenix’s Sky Harbor airport. Airlines aren’t sure, but are trying to figure if they can charge a “See our Lord and Savior” fee.

Mon dieu! In Nov, Michael Applebaum took over as interim Montreal mayor, vowing to “end an era of sleaze” when the previous mayor resigned over corruption allegations. Today Applebaum was arrested and charged with 14 criminal counts including fraud, breach of trust and conspiracy. Where do these Canadians think they are? Louisiana?

A stone-cutter who engraved Ed Koch’s tombstone accidentally put Dec 12, 1942 instead of 1924 on the marble No word if he was fired. But on a brighter note, the engraver immediately got future job offers from most of the women in Hollywood.

Ah, SEC football. Florida LB Antonio Morrison was arrested for allegedly punching a Gainesville, FL bar bouncer who wouldn’t waive the cover charge after he said “I am Antonio, I am a UF football player”    Morrison, a 19 year old sophomore,  plans to plead not guilty and told police he was intoxicated at the time.

The FBI is digging up a field near Detroit looking again for the remains of Jimmy Hoffa. I have an idea, how about we quit using all this taxpayer money and just offer a flat finder’s fee to whoever can find his bones. Let the private sector do it….

So Clayton Kershaw says leaks about his possible $300 million contract negotiations are “distracting.” Hey, you’d think he’d welcome a distraction from the way the Dodgers are playing.

For anyone who actually listened to #MissUtah’s answer at #MissUSA pageant will agree, in her case we really did need to create education better.

All the talk is about Miss Utah and “creating education.” But Miss Connecticut, who won Miss USA, was asked about with the Supreme Court ruling that police could subject criminal suspects to a DNA test. And simply said “I think if somebody is being prosecuted and has committed a crime that’s that severe, they should have a DNA test.” Might have been fun to ask her what a DNA test was?

(or as my friend Michael says, “If she wanted time to study for it.”)

 

The comedy gods taketh away, and the comedy gods giveth. Iran elected a “moderate cleric” to replace President Ahmadinejad. But over on Fox News, Sarah Palin is back.

 

Walt Disney World has started charging a $5 premium  ($101 to $96) for single-day tickets for the Magic Kingdom in Florida, compared to the other three – Animal Kingdom,  Hollywood Studios and Epcot.  Some think this is because the Magic Kingdom is the best park.  Although as the only one of the four without alcohol, maybe Disney figures they need to make up what they can’t make on beer sales

Are we ready for some football? Jokes anyway.

June 29, 2011

Ben Roethlisberger may need an operation to repair his broken foot. Let me guess, if Big Ben checks into a deluxe hotel before the surgery, his fiancee has already vetoed his ordering room service.

Terrell Owens’ agent says that despite his client’s surgergy, T.O. is not retiring. Not sure how NFL teams looking for a receiver feel about this, but comedy writers across the country are breathing a big sigh of relief.

Rep. Michele Bachmann’s former chief of staff has declined to work for the campaign and instead endorsed Tim Pawlenty. Bachmann wants to be the next President, she’s more likely to be the next Gingrich.

Although despite all of Gingrich’s staffer’s quitting, Newt says he is still in the race.  The number of candidates in the GOP field keeps growing and growing. At what point can we start sending one of them home each week without a rose?

My current dream – Can we get Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin together on the Tonight Show? Preferably the “Jaywalking” segment.

Malaysia Airlines, responding to complaints from passengers who don’t like to listen to crying in first class, has now banned babies from the first class cabin on their Boeing 747-400 jets, and plans to expand the ban to other planes. One question – are they talking only about chronological babies?

 

 

In an interview on Fox News Tuesday night, Bristol Palin declined to comment about her mother’s possible run for the presidency, saying “What happens at our kitchen table stays at our kitchen table.” Well, at least until we decide to write a book about it.

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Apparently Major League Baseball is likely to file a motion to seize the Los Angeles Dodgers. Amazing how fast Bud Selig can moves when he wants to. Meanwhile, his three-man “Blue Ribbon Committee” studying the Oakland A’s possible move to San Jose hasn’t come up with a decision after over two years….

Pope Benedict XVI used an iPad to send out his first-ever tweet this morning. So how come the Vatican is so open to adopting technology, and so rigidly against adopting ideas like a (officially) non-celibate clergy?

Final score from Tuesday in the first game of a doubleheader.  San Francisco 13, Chicago 7.  Did the Giants miss an extra point or something?

 

Here we go again. This time it’s Georgia’s athletic department that has contacted the NCAA and the SEC regarding possible eligibility problems – with football player Jarvis Jones and incoming basketball player Kentavious Caldwell-Pope. At this point it’s enough to make sports fans long for the comparative innnocence and purity of bicycle racing.

From Jim Barach:   Texas Ranger Josh Hamilton is blaming his poor daytime batting average on having blue eyes. He doesn’t understand that before 1947, the number one reason most major leaguers were in the big leagues was having blue eyes.

Phillie-bot and other machines:

April 21, 2011

 

A baseball-tossing robot – PhillieBot – was booed by Philly fans after its ceremonial first pitch bounced about 10 feet in front of the plate. Nonetheless, after the game the robot was still offered a chance to try out for the Mets bullpen.

After the robot was booed, he did get a message from Santa, saying “Don’t take it personally.”

Just wondering, for a pitching robot, is WD40 a performance enhancing drug?

T.C. said, had the pitch been a strike, the Bot would have still been on the mound in  the fifth inning.

The Chicago History Museum recently posted on its website a court deposition from Eddie Cicotte, one of the Black Sox, saying that the Chicago Cubs may have been offered money to throw the 1918 World Series. Cubs fans laugh, saying the team has never needed any incentive to lose in the postseason.

The commissioner of baseball is on top of problems in his usual timely fashion: Bud Selig has announced that MLB is taking control of the Dodgers. Selig says he acted “because of my deep concerns regarding the finances and operations of the Dodgers.” What was his first clue?

Starting next week the U.S. government will scrap the color-coded warning system, and switch to a two-tiered system – “Imminent Threat Alert,” triggered by a “credible, specific, and impending terrorist threat,” and ““Elevated Threat Alert,” which just warns of a of a “credible terrorist threat.”

So fans of “Orange” will just have to look for Youtube videos of John Boehner.

A little comfort for the technologically challenged:  You ever have a computer problem make you feel stupid? It could be worse. The SF Chronicle reported that during a big New Year’s Eve fire at a San Francisco apartment the Division of Emergency Services’ main computer lost its Internet connection, and workers couldn’t get the backup system running because no one knew the password.

McDonalds plans to hire 50,000 people total. These new employees will have a share goal – to make enough money so they won’t have to eat at McDonalds.

Zoosk, an online social-dating network, released a survey this month that found 39% of American singles would rather have a root canal than watch the royal wedding next Friday. These singles are called “straight men.”

President Obama had a town-hall style meeting Wednesday. You could tell he was at Facebook; when asked about the status of the budget negotiations, the President replied “It’s complicated.”

Okay, who would have believed this about Nadya Suleman?

February 18, 2009

That someone could actually make Bristol Palin look like an advertisement for responsible parenthood?

(And actually, give Bristol Palin some credit, her press conference came off as a lot more sincere than A-Rod’s. And she didn’t even use the “young and stupid excuse.)


Though speaking of press conferences, baseball commissioner Bud Selig said today that he didn’t want to hear that he “turned a blind eye” to steroids, or that “he didn’t care about” the problem.

Can I be the first to nominate Bud and Nadya as King and Queen of Denial?


In the meantime, Alex Rodriguez keeps on apologizing, though he’s not quite sure what he’s apologizing for, and he’s not quite sure what he took, but he certainly only took whatever he’s not sure of for a few years..and he was a “young and stupid” twenty-five year old, and besides his cousin did the injections anyway.

A-Rod, look, you would have had us at “I’m sorry.”


Rodriguez also blamed some of the problem on not going to college, and said “If I had a son, I would definitely recommend him going to college.” Yeah, if you want to avoid all potentially illegal drugs, what better place than college? (See Michael Phelps.)


Michael Phelps got some good news, the sheriff in the South Carolina college town where that party photo was taken, has decided not to press charges. Because simply being photographed with a bong is not proof of intention. Just as the Clippers might be photographed with basketballs, but most of the time there’s no proof they intended to put them in the basket.


I didn’t write this one, but wish I had. (A friend told me the line, and I can’t find the original source.)

The new Sully Sullenberger cocktail – Two shots Grey Goose, and a splash of water.


Still working on an A-Rod cocktail. Best I have so far.

Two shots, no known recipe, and no accountability. Maybe it could be subtitled the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ cocktail?


Turns out a top Washington Nationals prospect, Esmailyn Gonzalez, from the Dominican Republican may have been using an assumed name, and is FOUR years older than his stated age of 19. The deception may keep him off the Nationals roster…but since he’s here, the guy has a great head start towards a spot in Congress.