Posted tagged ‘football jokes’

Rough niht?

August 31, 2019

fiht

And this is the school so many rich people paid big bucks to bribe their children’s way into…?

Meanwhile, Northwestern played Stanford in the Nerd Bowl.  Wonder if officials were ever tempted to say it was 3rd and 3.14159.

If Oregon hadn’t choked away tonight’s matchup with Auburn, SEC would have lost five games in one day…. Just saying.

Baseball in 2019. Minnesota Twins hit six home runs in one game….and LOSE 10-7. If the ball were any more juiced it would be sponsored by Minute Maid.

Lebron James is trying to trademark “Taco Tuesday.”    Because he’s the only one who thought of it?  Other than almost every Mexican food chain and taqueria in the country?  WTF?

Many of us have different choices in next year’s election. Can we all agree that any fundraising email marked “urgent” triggers the “delete” button?

What customs officials originally thought was a “huge drugs bust” at Gatwick Airport in London turned out to be vegan cake mix.

Now, some vegan cakes are criminally bad…but yeah, this did seem like overkill.

The first person shot by today’s mass killer was a police officer during a attempted traffic stop. But tell me again how arming kindergarten teachers will keep our children safe?

 

Guess the optics weren’t good for Trump to spend weekend at Bedminster with Dorian approaching so he sneaked off to golf from Camp David.
Sunday morning will Donald have a moment of silence for Odessa victims on the first tee?

Trump had a meltdown today about “Disgusting and foul mouthed Omarosa.” So why doesn’t he fire the idiot who hired her?
Trump RTs a lot of stuff on Dorian, including a Red Cross tweet praising military spouses who volunteer. This at the same time he denies citizenship to military children born overseas AND deports military spouses. He has no shame. There is no bottom.
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Deflated balls?

August 26, 2019

A Harvard study found that former American football players who suffered concussions are more likely to develop low testosterone levels and erectile dysfunction in later life.  Forget CTE, this might be what finally kills pro football.

After Houston talk show host Rick Kamla yesterday called Andrew Luck, who went to high school in the area, a “quitter” and a “joke” in a tweet, today he apologized and said he used a “terrible choice of words.”
Translation, Luck retired, I don’t want to be fired.

Anyone but me not only a sports fan but also REALLY don’t care about Antonio Brown and his helmet?

Chiefs sign Matt Moore, who retired after 2017 season, as a backup QB after Chad Henne broke his ankle.
Now, I’ve never been a huge Kaepernick fan, especially since he says it’s not worth voting, but who’s going to get signed next before him? Brett Favre, Tim Tebow?

This Sunday there were three malls, including the Great Mall in Milpitas, California, with shooting scares.  But aside from how terrifying these episodes are, how long until millions of Americans just decide they feel safer only doing online shopping? As if retail isn’t hurting enough.

Former Maricopa county Sheriff Joe Arpaio was convicted for criminal contempt of court over a racial profiling case and pardoned by Trump in 2017. How he’s running again for Sheriff in 2020.
Even Mississippi and Florida are going “How nuts does he think Arizona voters are?”

Trump this morning claimed Melania has “gotten to know” North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. So another useless lie? Or is he confusing Melania and Ivanka. #WishfulThinking

Trump today, claiming he’s an “environmentalist. “I want clean air. I want clean water. “I want a wealthy country. I want a spectacular country, with jobs, with pensions…and that’s what we’re getting.”
Yeah, when I was about five I wanted a flying pony.

Can anyone imagine how apoplectic GOP would have been if Obama even proposed having G7 in Hawaii because it was close to where he grew up? Let alone at a place he owned.

Another thought about 2020 G7. They are held generally in the summer. Having graduated from Lake Brantley High school near Orlando, outdoors in early June, I can attest that even at 7a no human being wants to be in Florida that time of year

So Trump feels the need to deny that he asked about nuking hurricanes but not that he says windmills cause cancer?

Without a little bit of Luck

August 25, 2019

Colts fans must feel as shocked and betrayed as if someone stole their team in the middle of the night.

.

Wonder how many fans in Indianapolis who booed Andrew Luck as a coward for retiring would cheer if the Colts signed Colin Kaepernick in his place.

 

But yes, your reminder, Colin Kaepernick is still available.

Pablo Sandoval to have Tommy John surgery. Wonder if he’ll recover in time to pitch next season.

Patriots TE Lance Kendricks now joins Benjamin Watson on the suspended list, and safety Patrick Chung has been arrested on a cocaine charge. Gosh, whoever thought Bill Belichick would have so many players doing something illegal?

Tennessee Volunteers sophomore CB Bryce Thompson arrested for misdemeanor domestic assault after he allegedly threatened to “slap the s— out of” a woman and to “shoot up the school.”
Since Thompson was a Freshman All-American and led the team in interceptions last year, how long until someone decides he’s a nice kid who deserves a second chance?

Meanwhile, NCAA has put Mississippi State football on probation for academic cheating. Well, good to know they’ve punished the only problem school in the SEC.

With about 5 weeks left in MLB season, Baltimore GM Mike Elias has fired 11 people in front office and scouting department. He says it’s “to provide those who lost their jobs a jump at getting back into the market.”
Because don’t all other teams want to snatch up talent from the Orioles?

On Trump tariffs, “This is not the way to proceed. Apart from everything else, those who support the tariffs are at risk of incurring the blame for the downturn in the global economy, irrespective of whether or not that is true.”
This sentence from that noted voice of reason Boris Johnson!!??

Trump at G7  “The question I was asked most today by fellow World Leaders, who think the USA is doing so well and is stronger than ever before, happens to be, “Mr. President, why does the American media hate your Country so much? Why are they rooting for it to fail?””
Uh, would he like to name ONE of those world leaders?

How long until Trump claims the Amazon rainforest fires are the fault of Jeff Bezos?

Joe Walsh says he will primary Donald Trump in 2020.  Let me be very clear, I agree with Joe Walsh on very little, and disagree with him strongly on guns and a woman’s right to choose.
But I believe he is a sane person who loves this country. And cannot say the same about Trump.

Love is all you need

September 30, 2017

Tell me again about SEC domination in college football? #LSU #Troy

Even better, Troy ,  a 20 1/2 point underdog who pulled the upset of the Tigers, was paid $1 million to play Alabama.   The last time Troy was involved in a story this embarrassing, a horse was involved.

Who’d a thunk that of all players Stanford had to replace this year, McCaffrey might have turned out to have been the easiest.

if Bryce Love played for an SEC team the national media would be declaring the Heisman race over.

Two Texas HS football players reportedly kicked off team for protesting during national anthem Friday. Want to bet they weren’t starters?

Danny Travathan suspended 2 games for hit on Davante Adams. He is appealing. Which seems right- should have been at least 3 games.

Will Trump take credit in morning for Warriors losing their first game of NBA preseason?

Fitting that in Matt Cain’s last start the SF Giants only got him 1 run. Fitting for 2017 SFGiants bullpen blew saves. Twice.

RIP #MontyHall His funeral will be behind door number one. Or two. Or three.

Trump now attacking “poor leadership ability by the Mayor of San Juan, and others in Puerto Rico.” Jesus wept. As should all Christians.

I think I got it: People are dying in Puerto Rico just so the Fake News Media can get back at Trump #whythereisnosatire

Trump tweets from luxury golf resort w/ taxpayer paid staff while attacking Puerto Rico. Can we change “Hold my beer.” to “Hold my clubs?”

But seriously, Trump tweets-people of Puerto Rico “want everything done for them.” After breakfast at luxury club while Secret Service holds his golf clubs?

 

Has anyone suggested to Trump that Puerto Ricans aren’t paying attention to “Fake News” because they have like, no power?

Waiting for someone to say “Trumpie, you’re doing a helluva job.”

So just guessing Trump is never going to see Hamilton.

Watching Trump trash Puerto Rico and Democrats makes me shudder to think how he’d react if California had a major earthquake.

So just wondering, is there anyone in GOP who might have had any issues with Trump’s tweets about Puerto Rico they’d be willing to share?

So if Trump were President during Katrina wonder which Democrats he would have blamed for the lost of 1833 lives?

Trump takes time from victim-bashing in Puerto Rico to tout how the candidate who was losing by 8 when he endorsed him only lost by 10.

Open note to Trump fans, most people, including liberals, thought that Cambridge librarian was being an idiot about the Dr. Seuss books. So move along, and find something else to attack the Obamas over. Thank you.

Nobody’s perfect.

October 28, 2016

Jon Stewart, when he quit “The Daily Show” in 2015. “I’d covered an election four times, and it didn’t appear that there was going to be anything wildly different about this one.”

Another reason baseball is the BEST sport. In a 1-0 game you can’t just play keep-away & try to run out clock. #WorldSeries #Indians #Cubs

The World Series reminds us again that #As really are a farm system for the rest of MLB. #Crisp #Zobrist #Lester #Russell #Davis #Otero

While the SF Giants are not in the World Series, Giants fans had to like to hear ESPN’s play-by-play announcer Dan Shulman on Indians pitcher Tomlin “”he can handle bat though he’s no Bumgarner.”

The U.K. Telegraph finally posted an interview with Bob Dylan saying he “absolutely” wants to attend the Nobel Prize Ceremony “if it’s at all possible.”
Actually, Dylan probably gave the interview on the day he won the award, it’s just taken them this long to translate it.

A recent Chapman University poll showed that 32% of Americans are afraid of climate change, while 42% are afraid of clowns. #BeamMeUpScottieThereIsNoIntelligentLifeOnThisPlanet

In a debate with Tammy Duckworth, who is a Purple Heart winner from the Iraq War and double amputee, Sen. Mark Kirk made a jab at her mother’s being from Thailand. Among those who have criticized him, KellyAnne Conway. Thereby answering a question “How low do you have to go to be called out by the Trump campaign?”.

Today is #NationalChocolateDay. And women are going “Isn’t EVERY day ‘National Chocolate Day?'”

 

Pac 12 Commissioner Larry Scott, answering a reporter’s question about a TV contract that has Cal playing back-to-back weeknight games during a tough academic period. “That hasn’t been a parameter, academic schedules per se, so it hasn’t come up… Well of course not, the idea of big conference television contracts started with the SEC. #whatacademicschedules?

 

An American Airlines flight at O’Hare caught fire when a tire apparently blew on takeoff. Expect flight delays. And for United Airlines to immediately institute a tire maintenance fee.

“New” Clinton emails may be from #AnthonyWeiner. Will #FBI agents reading them get hardship pay for needing to take so many showers?

 

No doubt Hillary Clinton is furious over the alleged Anthony Weiner messages being used to reopen her FBI email investigation. On the other hand, she has to be very thankful sexting wasn’t an option during Bill’s time in the White House.

Rumor today that if Hillary Clinton wins she would like to name Biden as Secretary of State. Wonder if this means Joe, who would be 81,  wants to run for President in 2024?

 

From T.C.  “Tickets for this weekend’s games at Wrigley will average $5,000 ea. Of course, this includes Steve Bartman’s ticket. The Cubs gave him $10,000 to go watch the game at a bar in Miami.”

What matters most.

September 21, 2016

 

So Colin Kaepernick was just voted the most disliked player in the NFL. Because kneeling during the National Anthem is so much worse than assault, domestic violence, rape….

Miami Dolphins safety Michael Thomas, who has been kneeling during the national anthem for the first two games of the NFL season, says he has been receiving death threats via social media. Okay, outrage and upset I get, but death threats? Seems like some Americans are bent on proving his and Kaepernick’s etc. point.

On a brighter note for #SFGiants fans, tonight’s 9-3 loss to the Dodgers wasn’t a heart-breaking 9th inning.

Interesting for SF Giants fans. If it comes down to the last day of the season and Giants are tied with the Cardinals – look at the expected pitching match-up for St. Louis and Pittsburgh:

Cards: Weaver (1-4) Pirates: Vogelsong (3-5)

 

Story today in the SF Chronicle that BART’s fare machines are running on Windows 2000, 17 year-old software. By airline standards, cutting-edge technology.

In Norway, 126 owners of Tesla Model S P85D are suing the company, saying their cars’ with “insane mode” acceleration only reached 496 horsepower instead of a pledged 700.
So too soon to start a pool on how many of those 126 drivers will end up getting Darwin awards?

The FBI has released pictures of the two men who allegedly stole a suitcase in NY last Saturday night, dumping and disabling the bomb in side. The bureau says they want to talk to them. Maybe the guys could help start a new division for Homeland Security “Hertz Rent-A-Thief?”

Imagine @RealDonaldTrump’s response if #DonKing was supporting and had introduced @HillaryClinton

So if we’re worried about dangerous Skittles can we start a petition to take the orange ones out?

Former Trump campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski, who was fired in June, now works for CNN as an on-air political contributor. But Trump paid him $20,000 in both July and August. A Trump spokeswoman called “monthly severance” and in no way a conflict of interest.
And I am sure the Donald would be just as understanding if Hillary were paying a former staff now working for the national media.

So Jimmy Fallon may have rolled over for the Donald. But kudos to Seth Meyers: “You don’t get to peddle racist rhetoric for five years and decide when it’s over. The bottom line is this, Trump built his career on a racist lie because he’s a racist and a liar, and instead of denouncing that lie, the GOP doubled down on it completely.”

From T.C. “Colin Kaepernick says he is protesting for all the black people that are subjected to oppression and abuse on a weekly basis. What about all the white people who have 49ers seasons tickets?”

Round and round we go.

September 10, 2016

The Battle at Bristol gets the new record for most attendance at a NCAA football game at 155,690. What’s next, a game in Times Square where they sell SRO tickets?

 

  –

Many SF Giants were shocked to see an unaccustomed sight in the dugout tonight during the team’s 11-3 win over the Arizona Diamondbacks – smiles.

 

Did #Northwestern decide to stop playing Division 1 #FBS football last offseason and just not tell anyone?

Millions of Americans dislike both #Trump & #Clinton & think choosing the lesser evil is tough – what about when #Yankees play #Dodgers?

 

ESPN commenting on how old US Open women’s champion @AngeliqueKerber is…. she is 28 years old.

Not sure who will with the Willie Mac award for this year’s most inspirational SF Giant. But the award for the Giant most likely to drive fans to scream, cry and/or drink has to go either to Santiago Casilla or the manager who keeps putting him out there.

Two games for USC, two players ejected in 1st half each game: LT Chuma Edoga today for pushing an official, LB Jabari Ruffin last week for stomping on an opponent’s groin.
So maybe  coaches Sarkasian & Kiffin weren’t solely responsibly for all that Trojan embarrassment after all?

Many of Hillary Clinton’s fundraisers are closed to the press, last night’s LGBT event WAS open to some media. And she said this – “To just be grossly generalistic, you could put half of Trump’s supporters into what I call the basket of deplorables. Right? The racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, Islamaphobic — you name it,”
So was it a gaffe by a very cautious politician? Or a deliberate hand grenade tossed to set off an carefully-timed explosion?

 

Hillary has backed off the “half” of Trump’s supporters on the “basket of deplorables” line, but not the concept. As the old joke goes “We’ve already established that, now we’re haggling price.

 

Guessing @realDonaldTrump is furious at @HillaryClinton over #BasketofDeplorables – insulting millions of Americans is HIS job.

Donald Trump yesterday “With Iran, when they circle our beautiful destroyers with their little boats and they make gestures at our people that they shouldn’t be allowed to make, they will be shot out of the water.” How Presidential of him.

 

Mike Pence “I think it’s inarguable that Vladimir Putin has been a stronger leader in his country than Barack Obama has been in this country. And that’s going to change the day that Donald Trump becomes president.”
So Trump’s first act is going to be to disband Congress?