Posted tagged ‘SNL jokes’

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Against all odds

February 15, 2017

Tiger Woods is 20-1 in Las Vegas to win a major in 2017. A major what?

 

Texas Gov. Greg Abbott is upset that the NFL might not award future Super Bowls to the state if an anti-transgender bathroom bill passes: “The NFL needs to concentrate on playing football and get the heck out of politics.”
Uh huh. Just guessing most Texans would go for rainbow pins and unisex bathrooms if the alternative is giving up any football.

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At a Louisiana high school, Alabama has been banned from campus because of “unethical football recruiting practices.” I’m sure it’s just coincidence that the school is in Baton Rouge.  (home of LSU)

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Trump says that unlike President Obama he is not going to publicly fill out a March Madness bracket. But no doubt  he will tell us after the tournament that of course he picked all the winners. A perfect score, the best ever.

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Apparently quite a number of celebrities have volunteered to play Trump aides on SNL. The show is getting to be almost as cool again for a cameo as the Simpsons. (or decades ago, Batman.)

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Senate voted to block Obama rule prohibiting people w/ serious mental disorders from buying guns. What could go wrong?

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All these headlines “Andrew Puzder withdraws” Too bad Frederick Trump didn’t.

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Andrew Puzder, who according to CBS News told friends he was “very tired of the abuse” he was getting, is withdrawing his nomination as Labor Secretary. Great choice of words for a man who admitted to employing an undocumented housekeeper and has been accused of domestic violence against his ex-wife.

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Who knew an act of resistance might become simply buying a copy of the @NYTimes or @washingtonpost?

 

Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria is being considered for ambassador to France. Tonight Jared Kushner’s father Charles, a convicted felon who’s served prison time, said his family has decided not to try to buy the team.
So at least for now, MLB remains a Trump-free zone. #smallmercies

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Trump is now tweeting that NSA &d FBI are “just like Russia.” Well that ought to improve his relations with the intelligence community.

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Well, well, well… someone finally remembered where he put his backbone – John McCain says he will oppose confirmation of Trump budget nominee Mick Mulvaney

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As of Oct. 2015, there were 8 investigations into Benghazi.  Led by same people who don’t think it’s worth spending time on Russia & election

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GOP Reps. Jason Chaffetz and Bob Goodlatte today asked the Inspector General to “begin an immediate investigation into whether classified information was mishandled” with the leaks that led to Michael Flynn’s resignation.
Funny, I missed their outrage when Trump asked Russia to find Hillary’s missing emails.

 

 

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Not exactly bowled over

December 5, 2016

So despite a #18 ranking, Stanford was passed over by the Holiday Bowl in San Diego and the Foster Farms Bowl in Santa Clara because bowl organizers didn’t think fans of the school would travel. And just guessing, a matchup with North Carolina in El Paso on Dec. 30 isn’t going to change that image.

 

 

A note about the Sun Bowl. Stanford opponent North Carolina ranks 100 out of 128 FBS teams in allowing rushing yards per game. Over 223 yards per game. Just for comparison, Iowa, the Cardinal’s 2015 Rose Bowl opponent had allowed 128 per game in 2015.
#runChristianrun

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Meanwhile, Cal isn’t going to a bowl game, not because of their 5-7 record, but because their “APR” (Academic Progress Report” wasn’t high enough this year. What a disappointment for all those young men who just missed a .500 record.

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Meanwhile the Cotton Bowl will be played at AT&T Stadium, home of the Dallas Cowboys, which seats  100,000. And their New Year’s day game features Wisconsin and,,, Western Michigan? Well, 100,000 might also be the number of television viewers.

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So the #CFPlayoff is set with supposed top 4 college teams in US and Cleveland Browns are ignored again. #outrage

 

If you want to sum up the SF 49ers’ season in one incident how’s this? Dontae Johnson made a snow angel in the end zone to celebrate a blocked punt for a TD. Not only was he given a 15 yard penalty for “excessive celebration,” but he was ruled out of bounds at the 4 yard line.

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#SF49ers had 6 net passing yards today;Gabbert & Kaepernick sacked 6 times. Real question. How did this team EVER beat the #Rams?

 

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Well, probably too soon to say the @NBA MVP race is over. But Russell Westbrook has 10 triple-doubles this season; rest of the NBA has 11.

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Colin Kaepernick apparently has decided to become a free agent after the season. Wow. He should be about as sought after as SF 49ers season tickets.

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Top executives are leaving Sears, and there are rumors the company may go bankrupt Sad. Not that I’ve been in one of their stores in probably two decades, but who else besides me once thought the Christmas season really started when the Sears catalog showed up?

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Credit Trump for saving another American job for four years. That job is Alec Baldwin’s.

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So @realDonaldTrump does know every time he tweets against @snl millions of Americans tune in to see what he was complaining about? #ratings

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Serious open hints to @realDonaldTrump. If you think @SNL & #AlecBaldwin are that lousy, don’t watch. And get some sleep, you’ll need it.

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Trump is saying firms who outsource or move factories outside America will get a massive tax hike, while there will be benefits for those who stay or return. Does that mean a bonus for Ivanka if she moves production of her clothing line from China to the US?

 

Apparently Donald Trump is still looking for a qualified Secretary of State. Well, Hillary  Clinton is available

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From T.C. “Carolina’s QB Cam Newton was benched for their 1st series tonight vs Seattle because he violated club dress code rules by not wearing a tie. Ex NFL QB Donovan McNabb said, “What? Ties are involved in NFL games!”

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Going long

October 16, 2016

Today Drew Brees threw for 465 YDS & 4 TD, and the @Saints barely won. Rumor has it there is part of an NFL game you can play called “defense.”

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Latest college football rankings, #Pac12 has exactly 2 teams in the top 25. Traditional powers Washington and.. Utah?

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#LARams have got to be lying awake at night wondering how they ever lost to this #49ers team. #SFvsBUF

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#RudyGuiliani today said he “would have to be a moron to say” that the election “is going to be fair.” And his point is?

 

Lots of verbal attacks on #ColinKaerpernick in Buffalo today. Silly Bills fans. Did they realize that Kap & the 49ers might have provided the best home game entertainment they’ll see all year?. Next visitors – the Patriots.

 

Hard to be an #SFGiants fan watching Puig against Chapman.  No way to root for them both to fail.

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Altamonte Springs, my high-school home town: A woman was arrested this week after posting video online of her son driving her car – the boy is 7 years old. Back on your game, Florida.

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Never thought I’d say anything positive about Sarah Palin. But at least she had a sense of humor. Trump tweet of the day “Watched Saturday Night Live hit job on me.Time to retire the boring and unfunny show. Alec Baldwin portrayal stinks. Media rigging election!”

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Whatever happens in election suppose both @HillaryClinton & @realDonaldTrump can both take credit for helping to resurrect #SNL

 

Trump is insisting that he has lost “large numbers of women voters based on made up events THAT NEVER HAPPENED.” But those “wonderful” and “courageous” women speaking out about Bill Clinton – their stories are 100% true….

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Apparently someone threw a bottle of flammable liquid through the window of a GOP office in North Carolina. And Trump tweeted “Animals representing Hillary Clinton and Dems in North Carolina just firebombed our office in Orange County because we are winning.”
Now, Hillary decried the act, but I guess I’m missing something – if Trump’s followers are violent it’s a righteous rage, but if it’s his opponents they are animals?

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This is actually really scary, according to a poll from the Associated Press-NORC Center for Public Affairs Research. “Only about one-third of Republicans said they have a great deal or quite a bit of confidence that votes on Election Day will be counted fairly.”
But has it occurred to Trump that if Hillary really could rig an election, she’d have done it starting with the 2008 Democratic primaries?

 

As Trump talks about the election ” absolutely being rigged,” including at many polling placs, have to ask…. has the Donald actually BEEN to a polling place? Last time before I gave up and decided to vote by mail, the average poll workers were “mature” to say the least, and having a hard time just matching voters to their lists. Not exactly the folks you’d enlist in a complicated conspiracy.

 

This morning on “Meet the Press” Mike Pence ” We will absolutely accept the result of the election.” So with all the people Trump has attacked on Twitter, how long until he adds his running mate to the list?

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From my friend TC, sent to him by Berney:   img_0806

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Up in arms?

November 7, 2015

So it’s headline news because “dozens of demonstrators in NYC are protesting NBC’s decision to allow Donald Trump to host SNL? “Dozens?” In California you can get more protesters in most towns over adding a single extra bike lane.

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Donald Trump says he has nixed some of the more “risque” skits tonight in SNL because he wants to stay ahead in Iowa. So the state and their “family values” matters that much to him? What next, will the Donald get a couple of his wives to campaign for him there?

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Ben Carson “Without Fox News we’d be Cuba.” Waiting for his first fellow GOP candidate to say “Well, without the cigars.”

Waiting for today’s crazy statement and thinking  – maybe Ben Carson is just really tired of running for President?

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In Australia, paramedics reportedly no longer ask patients who the prime minister is, because since not enough people know the question doesn’t work for an accurate assessment of patients.
Well, in the U.S. they probably already know not to ask the name of say, the Vice President or a state’s senators.

(or in some states,” how many fingers do you see?”)

Charlie Hebdo is now being criticized by Russia and others for cartoons about the crash of the Russian plane in Egypt. Uh, yeah, it’s a tasteless thing to joke about – tasteless is what Charlie Hebdo does. They are surprised why?

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Ben Zobrist just named his new baby girl “Blaise Royal.” Hmm, probably a good idea Zobrist didn’t get traded to the Mets, Dodgers or Giants.

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For your weekend, or next weekend’s  – tailgating edification  – the quote of the day -“the benefits arising from the moderate use of strong Liquor have been experienced by all armies, and are not to be disputed.” General George Washington

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Students at an off-campus apartment near the University of Alabama have hung a banner before today’s game with LSU. “Finish What Katrina Started.” ‪#‎stayclassy‬

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Kobe Bryant, 37, says he is never playing for another team “I’m a Laker for life/” Well, at this point, as if any other team would want him.

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Your warm and fuzzy story for the day. Three SFO security screeners were arrested on charges of defrauding the government and smuggling cocaine, allegedly allowing “certain passengers with narcotics in their carry-ons to pass through the X-ray machine without checking for security threats like explosives or weapons.
All three workers were contract workers of a private company named Covenant Aviation Security that contracts with TSA to provide screeners. But hey, they reduce costs. ‪#‎whatcouldpossiblygowrong‬?

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Visiting the east coast, staying up out of curiosity to see Trump on SNL,… It’s almost time for the show to start, and the AZ-USC game is heading to the 2nd quarter.  And we wonder why Pac 12 teams get no love/respect?

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From Bill Littlejohn: “Vernon Davis was traded by the 49ers to the Broncos.That must be like going from being dumped by Lindsay Lohan and rebounding with Jennifer Lawrence.”

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Mount MIT

February 18, 2015

mit

The California drought and warm weather means U.S. Ski and Snowboard Association has had to cancel a World Cup competition that was to be held in March at Squaw Valley.. Maybe they can move it to Boston?

 

The above photo is for real, built by MIT students.

 

In Washington, snow has shut the federal government, and according to a headline “330,000 are without power.” 330,001 if you count Joe Biden.

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This weekend in Lake Placid all living members of the 1980 U.S. Olympic hockey team will reunite for the 35th anniversary of the “Miracle on Ice.” Meanwhile, in Boston, they are hoping for a “Miracle to get rid of the Ice.”

 

ESPN reports that investigators have found that a Patriots locker-room attendant tried to insert an unapproved football into their playoff game against the Colts. So have they also found how much New England might be paying this guy for throwing himself under the bus?

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Over 23 million people watched NBC’s SNL’s 40th anniversary special Sunday night. Wonder how many of them had to first find out what channel NBC is these days?

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Pablo Sandoval has shown up to spring training looking, well, large.  Guess the Panda hasn’t had any problems finding the bakeries and restaurants in Boston’s North End.

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Several hundred teenagers in Ococee, FL stormed a movie theater after employees said they were not accompanied by adults, and refused to sell them tickets to “Fifty Shades of Grey,” If only they had been armed.

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Ahmad Bradshaw was cited for possession of a small amount of marijuana by the Ohio Highway Patrol. But he wasn’t arrested, and the citation is payable without a court appearance. So basically, Ohio  just has a marijuana tax?

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Kobe Bryant says he isn’t retiring. “I thought the Spurs were done 20 years ago. Those guys are still winning. … I’m hoping I can have the same rebirth.” Uh, except, Kobe, San Antonio doesn’t need an expensive backup shooting guard.

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A 92 year-old-driver lost control of his minivan outside a Piggly Wiggly in Wisconsin, then panicked and hit a total of 9 other cars in the parking lot. Police say the man will not be ticketed, but he’s presumably been offered a spot in the next “Senior Demolition Derby.”

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If you can ice break it there, you’ll make it anywhere…..

February 17, 2015

New York’s East River is clogged with ice flows. How long until the Circle Line starts trying to make extra money by doing Titanic-themed cruises?

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We’re already up to Winter storms Neptune and Octavia. So what happens in another few weeks… do they start with Roman numbers?

 

The Yankees today announced that not only will they retire Andy Pettitte’s #46, they will also retire Bernie Williams’s #51 and Jorge Posada’s #20. So who will be the first Bronx Bomber to wear triple digits?

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When the Yankees announced they were retiring  Andy Petitte’s number, it prompted this tweet “”Congrats to 46. Yankees retiring his number. Hopefully they don’t retire it like his HGH testimony,” This from Petitte’s former teammate Chuck Knoblauch. So just guessing those two won’t be on the same team for the next Yankees’ old-timers game?

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A 20-year-old American man is out of intensive care after being repeatedly gored during a bull-running festival in Spain, including a major wound in his thigh area. So just MAYBE Darwin’s mission has been accomplished here.

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Sorry to hear of the death of former SF Giants coach Wendell Kim, only 64. But thinking that in a softball game in Heaven, Kim’s already waving Ernie Banks around third.

 

Barry Zito has signed a minor-league trade deadline with the As. Makes sense. He has a comfortable history with the team. And if Barry does well, presumably he can count on Oakland trading him to a contender mid-season.

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Lesley Gore, 68, who sang the hit “It’s my party,” has passed away. Presumably attendees at her funeral will be told they can “cry if they want to.”

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#‎JasonGiambi‬, 44, is retiring. “So young?” asked Jamie Moyer.

 

When a 20 yr-old New Jersey man who’d been drinking crashed a car, he returned in another car with a friend, also allegedly drunk, to pour water on the road. The idea being to make it look like he’d spun out on black ice.

A policeman saw them, along with the empty buckets, and both men were arrested. You’d think if the guy could think of something this creatively weird, he’d have been able to think to call a cab?

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The weather has been so bad back East that most Americans trying to honor our Presidents Monday had to resort to shopping online.

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Sarah Palin last night on SNL40 to Jerry Seinfeld –
“Just curious, Jerry, how much do you think Lorne Michaels would pay me if I were to run in 2016?”
“Run for president? Sarah, I don’t think there’s a number too big.”
“OK, just hypothetically then, what if I were to choose Donald Trump as my running mate?”

So does Palin actually have a sense of humor, or a fundraising strategy?

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Still sleepless after all these years.

February 16, 2015

SNL’s first ever episode from 1975 last night. Of course anyone old enough to have seen the original probably is too old to stay up for it.

 

Oregon has the nation’s first bi-sexual governor. As opposed to all the governors over the years who would just buy sex.

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As we approach spring training, some wonder how Alex Rodriguez will be received by the fans this year. Fortunately A-Rod can always count on the support of his biggest fan, the man in the mirror.

 

The Oscar Mayer Wienermobile was damaged in a crash this weekend in Pennsylvania. Hope the driver wasn’t hot-dogging it.

 

It may not always have been funny. And sometimes you watch and wonder if any part of a given night be funny. But it’s not just that SNL has lasted for 40 years. But that almost every American adult can almost instantly rattle off their 5, 10, 20 or more favorite sketches.

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#‎Bassomatic‬. SNL reminds us once again that there was actually a drink that sounded worse than a kale smoothie. ‪#‎SNL40‬

 

Who knew ‪#‎MileyCyrus‬ could perform with all her clothes on? ‪#‎SNL40‬

 

 

Why oh why couldn’t ‪#‎SNL40‬ have had one or more people storm the stage to interrupt ‪#‎KanyeWest‬ tonight?

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Louis Jourdan, Gaston in Gigi, has died at the age of 93. One of my all-time favorite movies. Even if these days Gaston might have been arrested as a sex offender because Gigi was underage.

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As we approach spring training, some wonder how Alex Rodriguez will be received by the fans this year. Fortunately A-Rod can always count on the support of his biggest fan, the man in the mirror.

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The Oscar Mayer Wienermobile was damaged in a crash this weekend in Pennsylvania. Hope the driver wasn’t hot-dogging it.

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Oregon State’s men’s basketball team had their Alaska Airlines flight home from Los Angeles delayed yesterday after a scorpion stung a woman onboard. Wonder who was the first to say “I’ve had it with these motherf***ing scorpions on this motherf***king plane.”

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In Vegas, the Chicago Cubs are only 6 to 1 to win the pennant and 10 to 1 to win the World Series. “And you think I have problems with reality?” asks Brian Williams.

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Kim Kardashian has apparently told friends she feels neglected by the media because they are all focused on her stepfather/stepmother Bruce Jenner. “I feel so sorry for her” said absolutely, positively nobody.

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Shifty story for the day. In Concord, CA, a would-be carjacker forced a man out of his car this morning at gunpoint, but couldn’t drive off because he didn’t know how to operate a manual transmission. (And most of my younger FB friends are probably thinking, what’s a manual transmission?)

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7 people were injured and 5 were taken to a hospital when a United flight from Newark to Honolulu experienced turbulence. It could have been worse. At least they’re not back in New Jersey.

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Kim Kardashian has apparently told friends she feels neglected by the media because they are all focused on her stepfather/stepmother Bruce Jenner. “I feel so sorry for her” said absolutely, positively nobody.

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Over an $81 million box office gross for “Fifty Shades of Grey” so far. Right, because how many men are on Valentine’s weekend are going to tell their wives/girlfriends -“Oh, a flimsy romantic story that’s really more like soft-core porn, nah, I’ll pass.”.

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Free falling.

September 25, 2011

Well, it looks like nobody died or was hurt at least in NASA’s latest documentary – “Dude, where’s my satellite?”

Still no word on the final whereabouts of NASA’s dead satellite. But that thing fell to earth faster than Rick Perry’s poll numbers.

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Herman Cain won the Florida GOP presidential straw poll. Wonder if it was a butterfly ballot?

SNL opened up the season with a phantom GOP debate. But for sheer comedy value, they really have no chance of topping some moments in the real debates.

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Kristen Wiig’s Michele Bachmann isn’t quite up to Tina Fey’s Sarah Palin. But it’s good enough almost to hope the Minnesota congresswoman gets a bounce in the polls so Wiig can keep doing it.

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Ohio State started Braxton Miller, a true freshman, at QB against Colorado today. Makes a certain amount of sense. Since Miller wasn’t around last year, they know there’s no chance he sold any bowl memorabilia.

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Apparently Jesse James and Kat Von D have broken up, again. This item for all those who are tired of all the media coverage of highbrow celebrities like the Kardashians.

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Hilton Hotels is denying rumors that they charged the government $16 each for muffins at a breakfast meeting. The $16 included coffee or tea or soft drinks and a piece of fruit, (plus tip). So hey, give Hilton credit for one thing – making Starbucks look like a bargain.

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There is a rumor that MLB and the player’s union have agreed on expanded playoffs for 2013. Now, as a SF Giants fan that would have been fun this year, but seriously, watching the Red Sox and Cardinals about to back their way into the postseason, do we really need to add two more teams that don’t deserve to be in the playoffs?

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Regarding the alleged agreement on an expanded postseason – have to think there’s a clause that says – “we will have as many wild card teams as necessary to make sure both the Red Sox and Yankees end up in the playoffs.”

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The only good thing about tonight’s Giants-Dbacks game for SF fans? (Final score 15-2 Arizona.) It did tend to diminish that “Damn, the team just caught fire a little too late to make the playoffs” feeling

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As if the Marlins didn’t have a rough enough year, now it turns out they have lost their closer, Leo Nunez, because he was playing under an assumed name with fake documents. Apparently Nunez is really Juan Carlos Oviedo. Talk about your player to be named later.

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On a serious note – Former NFL Offensive Tackle Orlando Brown was found dead this week at the age of 40, presumably at this point from natural causes. If any profession other than playing in the NFL had anywhere near this rate of early death, think it would still be legal?

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The Heisman and other politics

December 12, 2010

 Regarding President Obama’s efforts to get a tax cuts-umemployment benefits-etc bill through Congress:

It’s pretty clear that some Democrats have either not heard of “Quid pro quo.”  Either that, or they think he is some Korean pitcher signed by the Dodgers or Yankees.

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Okay, just in case you thought you are too sports-obsessed, ESPN Insider has a story tonight about teams that might be on the bubble for March Madness. Yes, that’s March 2011 for a season that’s barely started. And if you are truly concerned about those bubble teams – yes, you might be too sports-obsessed.

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The Giants-Vikings game in Minneapolis has been postponed due to snow. Snow? In Minnesota in December? What’s next? A Miami Dolphins game being postponed due to sun?

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Cam Newton said in his Heisman acceptance speech that “parents do a lot of things behind the scenes that go unnoticed.” And at least one thing that he wishes had stayed unnoticed.

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 Apparently some Heisman voters not didn’t blame Cam Newton for the acts of his father, they felt sympathetic to his parental situation and were  thus more likely to vote for him. Ah, now that might explain a certain young woman’s run on “Dancing with the Stars.”

(well okay, except for the fact that Newton has talent.)

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At least this pre-Heisman hype will finally be simmering down.  A newspaper article on the Heisman finalists said that Andrew Luck could go as high as #1 in the NFL draft. Well, I’m pretty sure he won’t go higher.

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An AP-Stanford poll said 68 percent of Americans believe problems in schools are the fault of the parents. And Cam Newton and his dad said “See?!”

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And Sarah Palin allegedly said the study was  “proof that most Americans want government off their backs regardng their children – that’s less than half.”

Apparently the only thing WikiLeaks chief Julian Assange has been asking for in jail is access to a computer. And sure, what could possibly go wrong with that?

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Paul McCartney is still impressive. But wonder if there’s any truth to the rumor that had he not felt up to performing “Saturday Night Live”  would have postponed the show due to weather to become “Sunday Night Live?”

Don’t get me wrong, Sir Paul is definitely still “dishy.” But at 68 he has had at least as much work done as Nancy Pelosi.

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