Posted tagged ‘Stanford jokes’

All out of love.

October 26, 2017

Not sure if #BryceLove has a chance for Heisman. But the way #Stanford played withou him, he sure looks like college MVP.

He pronounces it Crist,  But Stanford QB today had lots of fans screaming “Jesus Christ.”

#Cubs just dismissed their pitching, hitting & third base coaches after losing in NCLS. Wow, one win after a century and talk about greedy.

Joe Torre and MLB admit now that blown call in NLDS game five led to the Cubs scoring 2 runs that should never have scored. And Washington lost 9-8.  Does this mean the Nats should rehire Dusty Baker?

Joe Girardi fired as manager of #Yankees because he couldn’t get them far enough in playoffs. #Padres fans are thinking ‘What are playoffs?

I’m sure there’s a story here…. United flight 404 from Houston to San Francisco landed at 931am. Pulled into gate at 1107am. No joke.
So not enough passengers paid a gate parking fee?

Donald Trump Jr.  tweeted ” To those saying Flake sacrificed his career to take on Trump, just remember it’s not sacrifice when you admit you have 0 chance of winning!”

Hey Jr, thinking big game hunting is not a sport when you have 0 chance of getting shot by an animal.

“Just Say No – The Sequel” will work as well with opioid crisis as abstinence-only education works for combating teen pregnancy.

Guardian headline is all you need to know about today’s photo op: “Trump declares health emergency over opioids but no new funds to help.”

 

Hope those in GOP excusing George H.W.’s groping as nice old man in wheelchair prepared to make same concession in 20 yrs for Bill Clinton.

Billionaires need a tax cut like Fox News needs more blonde women on-air.

First ISIS, then healthcare, now the opioid crisis. Trump can fix everything immediately: “This was an idea that I had: if we can teach young people not to take drugs. The fact is, if we can teach young people and people generally not to start, it’s really really easy not to take them.”
Suppose it would be wrong to look forward to the next time anyone in the Trump family needs minor surgery, and asks their doctor for prescription painkillers. #Justsayno

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After midnight.

October 15, 2017

One thing to have Pac 12 college football  games start late on the East Coast.  Another thing to have them start so late the bars close before fans can watch the end and celebrate.

So many of top ranked college football teams lost this weekend that this might open up a spot in playoffs for Cleveland Browns.

 

Thinking that the first quarter of college football games should not compete with SNL. #Stanford #Oregon

But of course even after Stanford started 1-2 everyone had Cardinal leading the Pac 12 North after week five.

 

Columbia football is 5-0. Now this may really be a sign of the apocalypse.

 

Very now strange to see a starting pitcher in 9th inning of a baseball game when he didn’t come in as reliever. #Verlander #ALCS

Tom Verducci said Verlander brought the game back to another era, Gibson, Koufax.   Uh, he forgot Bumgarner. #ALCS

ARod saying now steroids “cost me over $40 million..my reputation..the Hall of Fame.. & a number of other things.” Get out the violins

The artist who put a statue of a urinating dog next to the “Fearless Girl” statue on Wall Street, was fatally struck by a NY subway when he apparently was standing too close to the tracks. Maybe they can use the dog statue as his tombstone? #subwaytohell

Marwin Gonzalez left Minute Maid Park as soon as ALCS game 1 to be with his wife, who had gone into labor. He made it for the birth of his son. Good thing Gonzalez wasn’t playing in Nats-Cubs game 5, the kid would be walking before he arrived.

Mississippi school district pulls ‘To Kill A Mockingbird’ from reading list – it “makes people uncomfortable.” Uh, that’s the point. #snowflakes

 

The Academy has expelled Harvey Weinstein. Oh good, so now there are no powerful sexual predators left in Hollywood.

Had the Weinstein scandal just broken 6 months earlier Bill O’Reilly could have made the story centerpiece of final ‘The O’Reilly Factor.”

Mike Pence campaigning in VA for gubernatorial candidate Ed Gillespie. So if some Dems put on uniforms & kneel for anthem will he leave?

Almost week since devastating fires started in California.   Still crickets from @realDonaldTrump. No doubt he’s preparing NFL tweet for morning.

 

Timing is everything?

October 2, 2017

So there are 89 days left in 2017. Would Trump & the GOP like to pick one that WOULD be a good day to discuss gun control?

 

Got it. Democratic calls for gun control after mass shootings are politicizing the issue, GOP calls for travel bans are just wanting to keep us safe. #sarcasm

Bernard Kerik for Fox News “For once… can we not turn an American tragedy such as this, into a political issue, while there is still blood on the ground?”
Right, only American tragedies when the shooter is Muslim, or maybe black.

I don’t give a sh*t what God the shooter worshiped or if he worshiped one at all. HE WAS A TERRORIST. Period. #LasVegas

I respect people saying “Pray for Vegas,’ but rather than just prayers maybe we could find way to keep semi-automatic weapons away from bad guys?

.

And back to a little snark… because somehow it feels like giving a middle finger to the bad guys.

LaVar Ball says he will home-school his son, LaMelo, for his final two years of high school. because he doesn’t want the young man to have “distractions.”
Well, except for the distractions from his father.

Shame the 49ers can’t find a quarterback like Alex Smith.

Such a trivial detail by Las Vegas standards after last night, but with a recovered fumble after the Redskins tried to emulate Cal’s “The Play” with laterals,  the Chiefs scored a touchdown to win 29-20.   This means Kansas City just covered the 7 point spread.

Braves GM John Coppolella, forced to resign over “serious rules violations” w/ intl players. ATL was 72-90. So not even competent cheaters?

Stanford’s Bryce Love is now the nation’s leading rusher. Cardinal-Oregon Ducks game just scheduled for 8 pm PST Oct 14. So if these old white guys on the Heisman committee have a nap, they might be able to stay up for the 1st quarter.

Matt Cain in “The Player’s Tribune”
“There’s June 13, 2012: the perfect game. Not going to call anyone from S.F. a liar, but I’ll just say this: There were about 42,000 people in attendance that day. And in the last five years, I think I’ve met all 100,000 of them.”

 

Now alas Tom Petty has really passed away. But even with death he didn’t back down. #RIPTomPetty

Maybe God needed a rousing chorus of “Don’t Back Down” in heaven today.
“Well, I won’t back down
No, I won’t back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won’t back down
No, I’ll stand my ground
Won’t be turned around
And I’ll keep this world from draggin’ me down
Gonna stand my ground.”
#TomPetty

Meanwhile, people are still dying in Puerto Rico.

Flat and flat we go.

February 17, 2017

Kyrie Irving, who attended Duke, stated, “This is not a conspiracy theory. The Earth is flat.” If this doesn’t shatter myth of student athletes….

Chris Christie, on NY Sports radio declared “The Phillies suck.” In a tweet, the Phillies responded “We love our fans and appreciate their unwavering support as we “bridge” to a bright future! #wellplayed

Angry conservatives trashing Boston #Berklee college of music since they mistake if for Berkeley. Even Stanford fans going really? #spelling

Michael Floyd, released by the Arizona Cardinals after his arrest for “Extreme DUI,” but signed by the Patriots, has been sentenced to 120 days in jail. But he still gets his ring. Yeah, this will teach him.

New Trump martini: Stoli Ohranj with lots of bitters. After two you blame everyone who reminds you of what you said.

Trump rules. All of our White House memos are magic. Once they are leaked they become fake.

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CNN reports Shemichael Singleton, one of HUD Secretary Ben Carson’s top aides, has been fired after an article surfaced that he wrote before the election criticizing Donald Trump.
Uh, if criticizing Trump before the election is disqualifying, there’s going to be a long unemployment line in Washington.

Trump administration is denying an AP report that as many as 100,000 members of the National Guard may be deployed to round up undocumented people in 11 Western states.
What really gives the story the ring of truth, notice “Western” states. Heaven forbid Trump,a die-hard East Coaster, would do anything to affect his or his friends’ businesses.

.-

Apparently retail spending up in US. Makes sense, Trump supporters think he’s going to MAGA, rest of us think if world is ending spend away.

John McCain trashed Trump today in a Munich speech. Gosh, if a Senator only had some actual power to register a statement against the President.

 

New Trump martini: Stoli Ohranj with lots of bitters. After two you blame everyone who reminds you of what you said.

Not exactly bowled over

December 5, 2016

So despite a #18 ranking, Stanford was passed over by the Holiday Bowl in San Diego and the Foster Farms Bowl in Santa Clara because bowl organizers didn’t think fans of the school would travel. And just guessing, a matchup with North Carolina in El Paso on Dec. 30 isn’t going to change that image.

 

 

A note about the Sun Bowl. Stanford opponent North Carolina ranks 100 out of 128 FBS teams in allowing rushing yards per game. Over 223 yards per game. Just for comparison, Iowa, the Cardinal’s 2015 Rose Bowl opponent had allowed 128 per game in 2015.
#runChristianrun

Meanwhile, Cal isn’t going to a bowl game, not because of their 5-7 record, but because their “APR” (Academic Progress Report” wasn’t high enough this year. What a disappointment for all those young men who just missed a .500 record.

Meanwhile the Cotton Bowl will be played at AT&T Stadium, home of the Dallas Cowboys, which seats  100,000. And their New Year’s day game features Wisconsin and,,, Western Michigan? Well, 100,000 might also be the number of television viewers.

So the #CFPlayoff is set with supposed top 4 college teams in US and Cleveland Browns are ignored again. #outrage

 

If you want to sum up the SF 49ers’ season in one incident how’s this? Dontae Johnson made a snow angel in the end zone to celebrate a blocked punt for a TD. Not only was he given a 15 yard penalty for “excessive celebration,” but he was ruled out of bounds at the 4 yard line.

 

#SF49ers had 6 net passing yards today;Gabbert & Kaepernick sacked 6 times. Real question. How did this team EVER beat the #Rams?

 

Well, probably too soon to say the @NBA MVP race is over. But Russell Westbrook has 10 triple-doubles this season; rest of the NBA has 11.

Colin Kaepernick apparently has decided to become a free agent after the season. Wow. He should be about as sought after as SF 49ers season tickets.

Top executives are leaving Sears, and there are rumors the company may go bankrupt Sad. Not that I’ve been in one of their stores in probably two decades, but who else besides me once thought the Christmas season really started when the Sears catalog showed up?

Credit Trump for saving another American job for four years. That job is Alec Baldwin’s.

So @realDonaldTrump does know every time he tweets against @snl millions of Americans tune in to see what he was complaining about? #ratings

Serious open hints to @realDonaldTrump. If you think @SNL & #AlecBaldwin are that lousy, don’t watch. And get some sleep, you’ll need it.

Trump is saying firms who outsource or move factories outside America will get a massive tax hike, while there will be benefits for those who stay or return. Does that mean a bonus for Ivanka if she moves production of her clothing line from China to the US?

 

Apparently Donald Trump is still looking for a qualified Secretary of State. Well, Hillary  Clinton is available

From T.C. “Carolina’s QB Cam Newton was benched for their 1st series tonight vs Seattle because he violated club dress code rules by not wearing a tie. Ex NFL QB Donovan McNabb said, “What? Ties are involved in NFL games!”

Arms race

November 15, 2015

Well, that didn’t take long. Donald Trump says yesterday’s attacks in Paris would have been “a much, much different situation” had the victims been armed, Right. Because when a few civilians pulled out their guns and started shooting at perceived bad guys and others got confused and started shooting at them…. Yeah, it would have been different. A lot more deaths. Especially since all the attack sites served alcohol.

And so if Trump wants everyone armed. Would he ban alcohol at restaurants/bars etc. Or does he trust drunks with guns?
Meanwhile, the NFL says they will increase security this weekend at games. Let’s see, they already have metal detectors and you are only allowed clear plastic bags instead of purses? What else are they going to do? At least it’s a jobs program.
Thinking lots of people screaming now about the US Constitution are same ones who scream about the Bible – and they haven’t read either one.
For all the “close the borders permanently” folks: Yes, a Syrian passport was found on one of the Paris attackers, and it might have been faked  – but at least terrorist was a French national and some are reportedly from Belgium. And alas, we cannot close the Internet. ‪#‎itsnotthateasy‬
We can thank college football for distraction today, as J.T.Barrlett is leading OSU over Illinois. Dashcam footage of his DUI arrest has emerged, in which Barrett asks police, “I’m the quarterback of Ohio State. C’mon man. Officer, there’s nothing you can do?”
Sounds like it should have been more a statement than a question.

So the IAAF, track and field’s governing body has provisionally suspended Russia from all international competition, including the 2016 Olympics, over alleged doping. President Sebastian Coe – “This has been a shameful wake-up call, and we are clear that cheating at any level will not be tolerated.”

There’s cheating in track and field now? I’m shocked, shocked

Ohio State beat Illinois 28-3. If Urban Meyer knew it was going to be this easy he might have suspended J.T. Barrett for a whole two games.

So with all the complicated plays at Stanford’s disposal you’d think they’d still find time to work on the center to the quarterback snap?

In the 2009 Big Game, 2012 Fiesta Bowl, and today, ‪#‎Stanford‬ had a Heisman hopeful, and a game come down to a last play – Gerhart, Luck,McCaffery. And Harbaugh and now Shaw twice didn’t put it in that star’s hands. ‪#‎notbitter‬ ‪#‎moreimportantissues‬ ‪#‎stillcranky‬

So now that the glamour gal lost will we all go back to not caring about women’s UFC?  ‪#‎RondaRousey‬

TC points out that Greg Hardy had a ringside seat to the Holm-Rousey match. Well, Rousey couldn’t beat Holm but it’s a same she didn’t get a consolation round match against Hardy.

The awful Paris attacks had to be coordinated carefully for a period of time. Forget the gun issue for a minute. There’s been a lot of talk about Europe giving Edward Snowden asylum. Wonder how Europeans feel today about government surveillance of citizens.
And yes, I’m a liberal, and yes I think Snowden is a traitor.

Catch of the year?

October 16, 2015

Yeah, so Francis Owusu made an incredible touchdown catch for Stanford. But he may never again be able to order pizza in Indiana.

francis-owusu-catch

Although if you haven’t seen the video  – https://vine.co/v/eE0xe6eY2pu   Francis Owuso and Stanford also managed with an after midnight eastern time play  to pull off #1 in ESPN’s top plays, beating out time zones AND East coast bias.

How cool is it for SF Bay Area sports fans?   #BeatLA twice in one night.

So if ‪#‎Utley‬ retires in the offseason do they suspend him for his first two old-timers games?

Donald Trump is threatening to skip the next debate. The horror. The remaining candidates might actually have to talk about issues.
Khloe Kardashian is calling the owner of the brothel where Lamar Odom collapsed a “publicity pimp.” This in between numerous calling out of kettles for being black.
Your heartwarming story for the day. Kim Kardashian is so upset at her ex-brother-in-law Lamar Odom’s condition that she has CANCELED HER BABY SHOWER FOR THIS WEEKEND. ‪#‎familyvalues‬
Oscar Pistorius will be released to house arrest next week, about 2 1/2 years after he fatally shot his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day 2013. Amazing. If he were an NFL star Pistorius would have received at least a 6 game suspension.
Eagles coach Chip Kelly said today he is not a candidate for the head coaching jobs at USC and Texas. Well, makes sense, he’s got a perfectly good job coaching an amateur team now.
Donald Trump’s son Eric talking about his dad’s presidential campaign, says his dad “does not lose.” Of course not, Trump will use the Vietnam method: Declare victory and pull out.
As of August 1, 2016, college students in Texas will be allowed to have guns in their dorm rooms. Guess it makes some sense, if you make it almost impossible to have an abortion in the state, got to find ways to cull the herd somehow.
Not a fan of showboating, and the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ don’t play that way. But interesting tweet about Bautista’s home run and bat flip: “@MikeAndMike in the playoffs and a late inning go ahead HR, there is nothing wrong with what @JoeyBats19 did. Regular season it’s a nae nae.”
The tweeter, Joe Carter.
The Seattle Seahawks suspended FB Derrick Coleman indefinitely pending charges of vehicular assault and hit and run. According to ESPN, Coleman has played on 20% of the team’s offensive snaps this year and has also played on special teams. Of course, I am sure the team would have also suspended him as quickly if he were a star. ‪#‎sarcasm‬