Posted tagged ‘Stanford jokes’

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All out of love.

October 26, 2017

Not sure if #BryceLove has a chance for Heisman. But the way #Stanford played withou him, he sure looks like college MVP.

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He pronounces it Crist,  But Stanford QB today had lots of fans screaming “Jesus Christ.”

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#Cubs just dismissed their pitching, hitting & third base coaches after losing in NCLS. Wow, one win after a century and talk about greedy.

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Joe Torre and MLB admit now that blown call in NLDS game five led to the Cubs scoring 2 runs that should never have scored. And Washington lost 9-8.  Does this mean the Nats should rehire Dusty Baker?

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Joe Girardi fired as manager of #Yankees because he couldn’t get them far enough in playoffs. #Padres fans are thinking ‘What are playoffs?

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I’m sure there’s a story here…. United flight 404 from Houston to San Francisco landed at 931am. Pulled into gate at 1107am. No joke.
So not enough passengers paid a gate parking fee?

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Donald Trump Jr.  tweeted ” To those saying Flake sacrificed his career to take on Trump, just remember it’s not sacrifice when you admit you have 0 chance of winning!”

Hey Jr, thinking big game hunting is not a sport when you have 0 chance of getting shot by an animal.

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“Just Say No – The Sequel” will work as well with opioid crisis as abstinence-only education works for combating teen pregnancy.

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Guardian headline is all you need to know about today’s photo op: “Trump declares health emergency over opioids but no new funds to help.”

 

Hope those in GOP excusing George H.W.’s groping as nice old man in wheelchair prepared to make same concession in 20 yrs for Bill Clinton.

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Billionaires need a tax cut like Fox News needs more blonde women on-air.

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First ISIS, then healthcare, now the opioid crisis. Trump can fix everything immediately: “This was an idea that I had: if we can teach young people not to take drugs. The fact is, if we can teach young people and people generally not to start, it’s really really easy not to take them.”
Suppose it would be wrong to look forward to the next time anyone in the Trump family needs minor surgery, and asks their doctor for prescription painkillers. #Justsayno

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After midnight.

October 15, 2017

One thing to have Pac 12 college football  games start late on the East Coast.  Another thing to have them start so late the bars close before fans can watch the end and celebrate.

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So many of top ranked college football teams lost this weekend that this might open up a spot in playoffs for Cleveland Browns.

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Thinking that the first quarter of college football games should not compete with SNL. #Stanford #Oregon

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But of course even after Stanford started 1-2 everyone had Cardinal leading the Pac 12 North after week five.

 

Columbia football is 5-0. Now this may really be a sign of the apocalypse.

 

Very now strange to see a starting pitcher in 9th inning of a baseball game when he didn’t come in as reliever. #Verlander #ALCS

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Tom Verducci said Verlander brought the game back to another era, Gibson, Koufax.   Uh, he forgot Bumgarner. #ALCS

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ARod saying now steroids “cost me over $40 million..my reputation..the Hall of Fame.. & a number of other things.” Get out the violins

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The artist who put a statue of a urinating dog next to the “Fearless Girl” statue on Wall Street, was fatally struck by a NY subway when he apparently was standing too close to the tracks. Maybe they can use the dog statue as his tombstone? #subwaytohell

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Marwin Gonzalez left Minute Maid Park as soon as ALCS game 1 to be with his wife, who had gone into labor. He made it for the birth of his son. Good thing Gonzalez wasn’t playing in Nats-Cubs game 5, the kid would be walking before he arrived.

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Mississippi school district pulls ‘To Kill A Mockingbird’ from reading list – it “makes people uncomfortable.” Uh, that’s the point. #snowflakes

 

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The Academy has expelled Harvey Weinstein. Oh good, so now there are no powerful sexual predators left in Hollywood.

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Had the Weinstein scandal just broken 6 months earlier Bill O’Reilly could have made the story centerpiece of final ‘The O’Reilly Factor.”

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Mike Pence campaigning in VA for gubernatorial candidate Ed Gillespie. So if some Dems put on uniforms & kneel for anthem will he leave?

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Almost week since devastating fires started in California.   Still crickets from @realDonaldTrump. No doubt he’s preparing NFL tweet for morning.

 

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Timing is everything?

October 2, 2017

So there are 89 days left in 2017. Would Trump & the GOP like to pick one that WOULD be a good day to discuss gun control?

 

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Got it. Democratic calls for gun control after mass shootings are politicizing the issue, GOP calls for travel bans are just wanting to keep us safe. #sarcasm

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Bernard Kerik for Fox News “For once… can we not turn an American tragedy such as this, into a political issue, while there is still blood on the ground?”
Right, only American tragedies when the shooter is Muslim, or maybe black.

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I don’t give a sh*t what God the shooter worshiped or if he worshiped one at all. HE WAS A TERRORIST. Period. #LasVegas

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I respect people saying “Pray for Vegas,’ but rather than just prayers maybe we could find way to keep semi-automatic weapons away from bad guys?

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And back to a little snark… because somehow it feels like giving a middle finger to the bad guys.

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LaVar Ball says he will home-school his son, LaMelo, for his final two years of high school. because he doesn’t want the young man to have “distractions.”
Well, except for the distractions from his father.

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Shame the 49ers can’t find a quarterback like Alex Smith.

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Such a trivial detail by Las Vegas standards after last night, but with a recovered fumble after the Redskins tried to emulate Cal’s “The Play” with laterals,  the Chiefs scored a touchdown to win 29-20.   This means Kansas City just covered the 7 point spread.

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Braves GM John Coppolella, forced to resign over “serious rules violations” w/ intl players. ATL was 72-90. So not even competent cheaters?

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Stanford’s Bryce Love is now the nation’s leading rusher. Cardinal-Oregon Ducks game just scheduled for 8 pm PST Oct 14. So if these old white guys on the Heisman committee have a nap, they might be able to stay up for the 1st quarter.

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Matt Cain in “The Player’s Tribune”
“There’s June 13, 2012: the perfect game. Not going to call anyone from S.F. a liar, but I’ll just say this: There were about 42,000 people in attendance that day. And in the last five years, I think I’ve met all 100,000 of them.”

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Now alas Tom Petty has really passed away. But even with death he didn’t back down. #RIPTomPetty

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Maybe God needed a rousing chorus of “Don’t Back Down” in heaven today.
“Well, I won’t back down
No, I won’t back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won’t back down
No, I’ll stand my ground
Won’t be turned around
And I’ll keep this world from draggin’ me down
Gonna stand my ground.”
#TomPetty

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Meanwhile, people are still dying in Puerto Rico.

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Flat and flat we go.

February 17, 2017

Kyrie Irving, who attended Duke, stated, “This is not a conspiracy theory. The Earth is flat.” If this doesn’t shatter myth of student athletes….

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Chris Christie, on NY Sports radio declared “The Phillies suck.” In a tweet, the Phillies responded “We love our fans and appreciate their unwavering support as we “bridge” to a bright future! #wellplayed

Angry conservatives trashing Boston #Berklee college of music since they mistake if for Berkeley. Even Stanford fans going really? #spelling

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Michael Floyd, released by the Arizona Cardinals after his arrest for “Extreme DUI,” but signed by the Patriots, has been sentenced to 120 days in jail. But he still gets his ring. Yeah, this will teach him.

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New Trump martini: Stoli Ohranj with lots of bitters. After two you blame everyone who reminds you of what you said.

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Trump rules. All of our White House memos are magic. Once they are leaked they become fake.

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CNN reports Shemichael Singleton, one of HUD Secretary Ben Carson’s top aides, has been fired after an article surfaced that he wrote before the election criticizing Donald Trump.
Uh, if criticizing Trump before the election is disqualifying, there’s going to be a long unemployment line in Washington.

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Trump administration is denying an AP report that as many as 100,000 members of the National Guard may be deployed to round up undocumented people in 11 Western states.
What really gives the story the ring of truth, notice “Western” states. Heaven forbid Trump,a die-hard East Coaster, would do anything to affect his or his friends’ businesses.

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Apparently retail spending up in US. Makes sense, Trump supporters think he’s going to MAGA, rest of us think if world is ending spend away.

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John McCain trashed Trump today in a Munich speech. Gosh, if a Senator only had some actual power to register a statement against the President.

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New Trump martini: Stoli Ohranj with lots of bitters. After two you blame everyone who reminds you of what you said.

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Not exactly bowled over

December 5, 2016

So despite a #18 ranking, Stanford was passed over by the Holiday Bowl in San Diego and the Foster Farms Bowl in Santa Clara because bowl organizers didn’t think fans of the school would travel. And just guessing, a matchup with North Carolina in El Paso on Dec. 30 isn’t going to change that image.

 

 

A note about the Sun Bowl. Stanford opponent North Carolina ranks 100 out of 128 FBS teams in allowing rushing yards per game. Over 223 yards per game. Just for comparison, Iowa, the Cardinal’s 2015 Rose Bowl opponent had allowed 128 per game in 2015.
#runChristianrun

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Meanwhile, Cal isn’t going to a bowl game, not because of their 5-7 record, but because their “APR” (Academic Progress Report” wasn’t high enough this year. What a disappointment for all those young men who just missed a .500 record.

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Meanwhile the Cotton Bowl will be played at AT&T Stadium, home of the Dallas Cowboys, which seats  100,000. And their New Year’s day game features Wisconsin and,,, Western Michigan? Well, 100,000 might also be the number of television viewers.

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So the #CFPlayoff is set with supposed top 4 college teams in US and Cleveland Browns are ignored again. #outrage

 

If you want to sum up the SF 49ers’ season in one incident how’s this? Dontae Johnson made a snow angel in the end zone to celebrate a blocked punt for a TD. Not only was he given a 15 yard penalty for “excessive celebration,” but he was ruled out of bounds at the 4 yard line.

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#SF49ers had 6 net passing yards today;Gabbert & Kaepernick sacked 6 times. Real question. How did this team EVER beat the #Rams?

 

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Well, probably too soon to say the @NBA MVP race is over. But Russell Westbrook has 10 triple-doubles this season; rest of the NBA has 11.

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Colin Kaepernick apparently has decided to become a free agent after the season. Wow. He should be about as sought after as SF 49ers season tickets.

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Top executives are leaving Sears, and there are rumors the company may go bankrupt Sad. Not that I’ve been in one of their stores in probably two decades, but who else besides me once thought the Christmas season really started when the Sears catalog showed up?

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Credit Trump for saving another American job for four years. That job is Alec Baldwin’s.

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So @realDonaldTrump does know every time he tweets against @snl millions of Americans tune in to see what he was complaining about? #ratings

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Serious open hints to @realDonaldTrump. If you think @SNL & #AlecBaldwin are that lousy, don’t watch. And get some sleep, you’ll need it.

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Trump is saying firms who outsource or move factories outside America will get a massive tax hike, while there will be benefits for those who stay or return. Does that mean a bonus for Ivanka if she moves production of her clothing line from China to the US?

 

Apparently Donald Trump is still looking for a qualified Secretary of State. Well, Hillary  Clinton is available

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From T.C. “Carolina’s QB Cam Newton was benched for their 1st series tonight vs Seattle because he violated club dress code rules by not wearing a tie. Ex NFL QB Donovan McNabb said, “What? Ties are involved in NFL games!”

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Arms race

November 15, 2015

Well, that didn’t take long. Donald Trump says yesterday’s attacks in Paris would have been “a much, much different situation” had the victims been armed, Right. Because when a few civilians pulled out their guns and started shooting at perceived bad guys and others got confused and started shooting at them…. Yeah, it would have been different. A lot more deaths. Especially since all the attack sites served alcohol.

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And so if Trump wants everyone armed. Would he ban alcohol at restaurants/bars etc. Or does he trust drunks with guns? ‪
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Meanwhile, the NFL says they will increase security this weekend at games. Let’s see, they already have metal detectors and you are only allowed clear plastic bags instead of purses? What else are they going to do? At least it’s a jobs program.
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Thinking lots of people screaming now about the US Constitution are same ones who scream about the Bible – and they haven’t read either one.
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For all the “close the borders permanently” folks: Yes, a Syrian passport was found on one of the Paris attackers, and it might have been faked  – but at least terrorist was a French national and some are reportedly from Belgium. And alas, we cannot close the Internet. ‪#‎itsnotthateasy‬
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We can thank college football for distraction today, as J.T.Barrlett is leading OSU over Illinois. Dashcam footage of his DUI arrest has emerged, in which Barrett asks police, “I’m the quarterback of Ohio State. C’mon man. Officer, there’s nothing you can do?”
Sounds like it should have been more a statement than a question.
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So the IAAF, track and field’s governing body has provisionally suspended Russia from all international competition, including the 2016 Olympics, over alleged doping. President Sebastian Coe – “This has been a shameful wake-up call, and we are clear that cheating at any level will not be tolerated.”

There’s cheating in track and field now? I’m shocked, shocked

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Ohio State beat Illinois 28-3. If Urban Meyer knew it was going to be this easy he might have suspended J.T. Barrett for a whole two games.

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So with all the complicated plays at Stanford’s disposal you’d think they’d still find time to work on the center to the quarterback snap?

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In the 2009 Big Game, 2012 Fiesta Bowl, and today, ‪#‎Stanford‬ had a Heisman hopeful, and a game come down to a last play – Gerhart, Luck,McCaffery. And Harbaugh and now Shaw twice didn’t put it in that star’s hands. ‪#‎notbitter‬ ‪#‎moreimportantissues‬ ‪#‎stillcranky‬

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So now that the glamour gal lost will we all go back to not caring about women’s UFC?  ‪#‎RondaRousey‬ ‪

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TC points out that Greg Hardy had a ringside seat to the Holm-Rousey match. Well, Rousey couldn’t beat Holm but it’s a same she didn’t get a consolation round match against Hardy.

The awful Paris attacks had to be coordinated carefully for a period of time. Forget the gun issue for a minute. There’s been a lot of talk about Europe giving Edward Snowden asylum. Wonder how Europeans feel today about government surveillance of citizens.
And yes, I’m a liberal, and yes I think Snowden is a traitor.

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Catch of the year?

October 16, 2015

Yeah, so Francis Owusu made an incredible touchdown catch for Stanford. But he may never again be able to order pizza in Indiana.

francis-owusu-catch

Although if you haven’t seen the video  – https://vine.co/v/eE0xe6eY2pu   Francis Owuso and Stanford also managed with an after midnight eastern time play  to pull off #1 in ESPN’s top plays, beating out time zones AND East coast bias. ‪

How cool is it for SF Bay Area sports fans?   #BeatLA twice in one night.

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So if ‪#‎Utley‬ retires in the offseason do they suspend him for his first two old-timers games? ‪

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Donald Trump is threatening to skip the next debate. The horror. The remaining candidates might actually have to talk about issues.
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Khloe Kardashian is calling the owner of the brothel where Lamar Odom collapsed a “publicity pimp.” This in between numerous calling out of kettles for being black.
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Your heartwarming story for the day. Kim Kardashian is so upset at her ex-brother-in-law Lamar Odom’s condition that she has CANCELED HER BABY SHOWER FOR THIS WEEKEND. ‪#‎familyvalues‬
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Oscar Pistorius will be released to house arrest next week, about 2 1/2 years after he fatally shot his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day 2013. Amazing. If he were an NFL star Pistorius would have received at least a 6 game suspension.
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Eagles coach Chip Kelly said today he is not a candidate for the head coaching jobs at USC and Texas. Well, makes sense, he’s got a perfectly good job coaching an amateur team now.
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Donald Trump’s son Eric talking about his dad’s presidential campaign, says his dad “does not lose.” Of course not, Trump will use the Vietnam method: Declare victory and pull out.
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As of August 1, 2016, college students in Texas will be allowed to have guns in their dorm rooms. Guess it makes some sense, if you make it almost impossible to have an abortion in the state, got to find ways to cull the herd somehow.
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Not a fan of showboating, and the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ don’t play that way. But interesting tweet about Bautista’s home run and bat flip: “@MikeAndMike in the playoffs and a late inning go ahead HR, there is nothing wrong with what @JoeyBats19 did. Regular season it’s a nae nae.”
The tweeter, Joe Carter.
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The Seattle Seahawks suspended FB Derrick Coleman indefinitely pending charges of vehicular assault and hit and run. According to ESPN, Coleman has played on 20% of the team’s offensive snaps this year and has also played on special teams. Of course, I am sure the team would have also suspended him as quickly if he were a star. ‪#‎sarcasm‬

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We some of the people?

September 20, 2015

Ben Carson said he doesn’t think a Muslim should ever be President, because the religion isn’t “consistent with the constitution.” Well, actually, Dr. Carson, expecting Americans to follow ANY religion isn’t consistent with the constitution.

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Okay, who had both ‪#‎Stanford‬ & the ‪#‎Raiders‬ winning this weekend in football? Now all of you liars put your hands down.

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Right about now ‪#‎JohnHarbaugh‬ has to be thinking of calling brother ‪#‎jimharbaugh‬ & asking how to join the college coaching ranks. ‪#‎BALvsOak‬

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Marco Rubio on Obama “He’s born in the United States. He’s a Christian. He’s the president of the United States for the next year and a half and we’re going to move on.” Uh oh, if Rubio doesn’t watch out he’s going to lose that all important crazy vote.

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Hillary Clinton is now saying she’s a “real person,”  who can “talk about anything and everything – from the Kardashians to wonky climate change policy.”

Were those the best choices.  While the overlap between the two groups is small, a lot of Americans don’t believe in at least one of those examples.

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So after beating ‪#‎NIU‬ by 7, ‪#‎OhioState‬ strengthens their hold on #1 in ‪#‎APTop25‬. Shouldn’t the Huskies thus be at least in top 20?

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An Alabama wide receiver tweeted “For the second straight year, we will be in the college football playoff and Ole Miss won’t. Bama isn’t going anywhere.” Uh, AFTER Ole Miss won. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ ‪#‎cantdomatheither‬

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The NY Post reports that New York City custodians took home an average pay of $109,467 in the 2013-14 school year. That’s almost enough to afford a studio apartment in Manhattan.

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Scary that this year it looks like the ‪#‎NYJets‬ might be the less dysfunctional NFL team in New York? ‪#‎NYGiants‬

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Now some conservatives are claiming that Ahmed Mohamed really didn’t build a block and it was all a fraud to get attention, or worse, a “dry run” for a Muslim kid bringing a bomb to school. Sigh.
The boy would have been fine if he had just acted like a real Texan and built a gun

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Chris Christie, a Catholic, today on Pope Francis saying the U.S. and Cuba should restore relations: “I just think the pope is wrong. The fact is that his infallibility is on religious matters, not on political ones.”

Uh, wait, for the GOP aren’t religion and politics supposed to be the same thing?

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Any given Saturday?

September 19, 2015

Stanford’s road to the Royal Purple Las Vegas Bowl might have hit a  speed bump tonight.

‪#‎Fearthetree‬ ‪#‎Nerdnation‬ ‪#‎GoStanford‬. “Saw this coming” said NOBODY. ‪#‎STANvsUSC‬

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Headline you didn’t expect to see- “Ohio State holds off Northern Illinois, 20-13.” Sounds like the Buckeyes’ players took this game about as seriously as they take their classes.

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Notre Dame won today but safety Drue Tranquill injured his right knee chest-bumping a teammate after breaking up a pass in the first half. So Touchdown Jesus may be backing the Fighting Irish, but Mean Bitch Karma still doesn’t like showboating.

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Author Jackie Collins has passed away at 77. And millions of women are thinking, “How sad.” Millions of men are going “Who?”

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Marshawn Lynch filmed an entire Pepsi ad without speaking. Out of habit Roger Goodell fined him.

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In New York City, authorities have closed a child-care center after staff members were accused of accidentally leaving a 2-year-old-boy at a playground. Apparently they just miscounted the children. Yeah, who really needs math anyway?

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Donald Trump just released a policy paper saying he wants to end bans on certain gun types, and that he supports nationwide concealed carry permits. Fine. Can the Donald start by allowing concealed carry at all his campaign events?

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A 91-year-old Florida man, Max Horton, was arrested for allegedly shooting at his neighbors’ landscapers because they got lawn clippings on his caregivers car. In 2013, he was accused of threatening Florida Hospital staffers, telling them he had a gun in his car and they’d be sorry if he went to get it. And this time police said, while being taken to jail, Horton also allegedly threatened to get “payback” on his neighbors.
Thinking this is not what our forefathers meant by a well-regulated militia

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Guess Sarah Palin couldn’t let her daughter have all the headlines, so she too is ranting over Ahmed Mohamed, saying the boy is an “obstinate-answering student” (say what?) , and that his device “obviously could be seen by conscientious teachers as a dangerous wired-up bomb-looking contraption.” Adding “Right, if that’s a clock, I’m the Queen of England.”
So in addition to everything else Sarah has delusions of royalty?

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Trump says “I am not morally obligated” to correct a man who claimed Obama was a Muslim. Uh, Trump was correct after the first 11 letters.

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A shocking upset in the rugby World Cup, as Japan upset South Africa. Shocking the Japanese especially. “We have a rugby team?

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A new iiPhone app will tell users how much time they have wasted playing games and checking social media. So will the app also have the ability to check how much time you waste checking it?

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My friend Owen Byrd shares this tweet from @JaymayAllDay – ‪#‎wishIhadsaidthis‬ : “If Carly Fiorina really wants to destroy Planned Parenthood, she should become its CEO.”

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Candlestick Park South?

December 31, 2014

 

For the opening kickoff of the first Foster Farms Bowl, the wind blew the football off the tee repeatedly so Maryland had to use a holder.   They can take the 49ers out of Candlestick, but they can’t take the Candlestick out of their field.

 

fosterfarms

 

 

Game time temperature at Levi’s Stadium 45 degrees with wind gusts up to 40mph. Maybe it wasn’t a great idea to have a bowl sponsor with a major product of frozen food. ‪#‎FosterFarmsBowl

 

 

VTA Light Rail announcement tonight at each stop on the way to Levi’s stadium. “Look both ways before crossing tracks.”. Might be more effective to say “Trains use both tracks. Please have your organ donor card available”.

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The Lion’s Ndamukong Suh won his appeal and will play Sunday after his one-game suspension was changed to a $70,000 fine. Bonus time for the NFL, as they get the money from his fine plus higher rates as people tune in to see which Cowboy Suh is planning to stomp now.

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Nick Saban said today he’s “not really interested in any situation in the NFL.” Makes sense, the Alabama coach is making plenty of money, and he already gets to deal with professional players, who will be gone after a maximum of four years.

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Maryland beat Michigan in football this year 23 to 16. Stanford probably calling Harbaugh tonight to see if Jim wants to schedule a game.

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Texas A&M fired student assistant coach Michael Richardson after he hit two West Virginia players during the Liberty Bowl. Richardson may, however, be offered a tryout with the Oakland Raiders defense.

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At a Idaho Wal-Mart, a 2-year-old boy shot and killed his mother when he reached into her purse where she was carrying a concealed gun and the weapon fired. If only the woman had been armed. Oops, wait, never mind.

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A thought about this toddler who shot and killed his mom with her own gun at Walmart. That woman wouldn’t have been allowed to drive the kid to the store without a carseat. But a loaded gun with the safety off, no problem. ‪#‎noanticarsafetylobby‬ ‪#‎priorities‬

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Jim Harbaugh has a seven year contract at Michigan. Seven years?! And they said it with a straight face.

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Groupon is selling a “49ers field experience” where during the first five weeks of 2015, you’ll be able to enter Levi’s Stadium and run around on the field and play with a football. And if you can get along with Jed York, maybe the team will offer you a coaching position.

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How social media can make you feel really out of touch. The #1 trending story on FB this morning is “Giada De Laurentiis announces divorce.” And my #1 reaction was “Who?”

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Kim Kardashian claims she doesn’t smile often because it causes wrinkles. Got news for Kim, people aren’t looking at her face

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Where did all the blue people go?

November 28, 2014

This is a picture of a mostly sold-out Rose Bowl in the 4th quarter of today’s UCLA-Stanford game.

 

ucla

 

To be fair,  wonder how many Stanford fans were not only happily watching the game, but wondering, Who is this ‪ football team and where have they been all year? ‪#‎nerdnation‬ ‪#‎stanvsucla‬

 

Stanford’s David Shaw was like a different coach today. Almost like he’s auditioning for a hypothetical open local ‪#‎NFL‬ job. ‪#‎stanvsucla‬ ‪#‎fearthetree‬

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Got to wonder, if the elevator “incident” happened after one of his Pro Bowl seasons, would he have been signed by now?

 

#‎JedYork‬ tweeted at the end of the SF-Seattle game “Thank you ‪#‎49ersfaithful‬ for coming out strong tonight. This performance wasn’t acceptable. I apologize for that.” Wonder how the tweet was received by both fans left in the stadium.

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Retailers in Denver had shoppers lining up for “Green Friday” marijuana sales. Of course, wonder how many folks will show for those sales Saturday, or Sunday, or next week….

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Black Friday crowds were apparently thinner than average today.. Which might mean Americans weren’t shopping as seriously as usual. Or might mean more of us were sitting home today, drinking, eating leftovers, watching TV and shopping online.

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So SF Giants fans are all whining about their rough week because Pablo Sandoval left. And SF 49ers fans are just thinking “Oh, STFU.”

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British Airways is going to try to save money by standardizing lavatories in their fleet. Wonder how long it will take U.S. airlines to try to save money by just replacing lavatories with disposable plastic bottles.

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Apparently HealthCare.gov got off to a much better start in the first week of its second year, with 220,000 new signups. Which means the GOP will be in even a bigger rush to repeal Obamacare now that it looks like it’s working.

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Thanksgiving is over for another year. And pretty amazing job in retrospect by the NFL. Three games, three turkeys.

 

Okay, you think you had a tense Thanksgiving with your loved ones. In Pennsylvania a man is recovering in the hospital after his girlfriend woke up from a nap to discover he had started eating dinner without her. So she stabbed him in the chest. (Of course, in Florida or Texas she’d have probably shot him. ‪#‎smallmercies‬)

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If the ‪#‎SEC‬ is that good in football why has the team they added from ‪#‎Big12‬ made it to the championship game 2 years in a row? ‪#‎Mizzou‬

 

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Just win, baby?

November 21, 2014

Scary thing,  if a couple conceived a child celebrating the  Oakland Raiders’ last win, that baby would be 3 months old now.

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Derek Carr praising Jesus and God after the Oakland Raiders’ win tonight. And God is thinking “Ah, you’re now 1 and 10. Don’t blame anything about this season on me.”

Jesus on the other hand, might be comparing tonight to his work with Lazarus.

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Mike Nichols, 82, director of “The Graduate,” has died. Will his coffin be made of “Plastics”?

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Stanford QB Kevin Hogan, who will graduate in June, but could stay for Master’s degree, says he is considering foregoing his final year of eligibility to enter the NFL draft. And Cardinal fans are thinking, “ah, you could get that graduate degree anytime…”

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The NFL moved the Jets vs. Bills game from Buffalo this weekend, and postponed it to Monday in Detroit. The Meadowlands in East Rutherford might have been available after the Giants game Sunday. But local fans are probably thinking “Thank goodness they didn’t foist that crappy match-up on us.”

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The Buffalo Bills were offering $10 an hour and free tickets to their Sunday game against the Jets for fans willing to shovel snow. New York fans were hoping that show could be shoveled on to the Jets?

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In Buffalo, Mario Williams apparently used a snow plow to help dig retired QB Jim Kelly out of the snowstorm. If the storm moves down to New York City, hope Geno Smith is well stocked with emergency supplies.

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Country star Ty Herndon singer has come out of the closet, or the barn as the case may be. Good for him. But really, most country songs work fine for gay or straight relationships. Just change the pronoun of who did you wrong.

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A list made by an Australian man on why he ended a relationship with his girlfriend has gone viral. One reason he listed was that she was rude to his cat. Millions of women are now trying to find his number.

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Britain is about to lift their ban on women in combat, prompting a warning from retired army colonel Richard Kemp, that this would put lives in danger because women lack “the killer instinct.” Clearly this is a man who has never ventured into the first day of a major pre or post Christmas sale.

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Barry Manilow is having a “ONE LAST TIME!” Tour. And many Americans, especially men, are thinking “Promise?”

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Ted Cruz criticized President Obama’s executive order on immigration by adapting “The words of Cicero — powerfully relevant 2,077 years later,” Uh, did Cruz really want to reference a man most of his supporters have never heard of and think must have lived with dinosaurs?

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There’s a petition to cancel the TLC reality show “19 Kids and Counting”, because of the Duggars’ anti-LGBT stance, and Michelle’s referring to transgenders as “child predators.” Of course, there’s another way that doesn’t interfere with their rights for free speech, however ignorant it may be. – “Just don’t watch.”

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At least 10 people have died in the massive winter storm that has blanked Buffalo. We can tell the midterm elections are over though, the GOP is not blaming it on Obama.

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Horsing around.

November 3, 2014

horse

 

As reported by the the SF Chronicle, apparently before the Giants World Series Parade the SF Police were chatting with Madison Bumgarner and along with all the congrats someone said “If there is anything we can do for you.” Madbum’s response, “Anything? Can I ride one of y’alls horses in the parade? After some discussion and risk assessment, the answer was something, well,  not exactly DURING the parade.”

 

 

Meanwhile, the #‎SF49ers‬ clearly needed ‪#‎MadBum‬

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Small silver lining for ‪#‎49ers‬ fans? At least ‪#‎Kaepernick‬ ‘s last play wasn’t a butt fumble.

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Saddest thing for ‪#‎NYJets‬ fans about a sad season? That win against the ‪#‎Raiders‬ may have cost them #1 draft pick.  Either that, or watching Mark Sanchez win in Philly?

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Washington coach Jay Gruden blasted an ESPN report today that said RG III has teammates who seem to disrespect him, saying it was “amateurish.” Well, if anyone should know about amateurish, it’s the coach of the Redskins.

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Silver lining with Stanford’s underwhelming football season. Players, coaches and fans get to celebrate New Year’s Eve at home.

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So one might think Oregon’s rout of Stanford might propel the Ducks into the top four for a projected BCS playoff spot. Nope, they’re still behind idle Alabama. ‪#‎nopac12respect‬

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Clocks turned back last night. Meaning hard-core ‪#‎Lakers‬ fans had another hour to not sleep.

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Breaking news, a Kenyan has won the New York City Marathon” Wouldn’t it be more news if a Kenyan DIDN’T win the New York City Marathon?

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Not the Onion. A Tucson pastor was woken up by police at 2am because a member of his congregation said she thought she had Ebola and her pastor had returned from Africa in September. He had been to Zambia, which is further from West Africa than San Francisco is from Washington, D.C. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

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Yet another example of why Trader Joe’s leaves other grocery stores in the dust. Saw a package of “Iced Cranberry Orange Scone Cookies” near the checkout. Told the cashier, those sound good. She said, “They are, want to try one?” Opened a box, gave me one, and offered them to anyone in the area. Sold about five boxes of cookies on the spot.

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Maybe there was too much hype for the ‪#‎DENvsNE‬ game? Peyton Manning might have thought he was back in the ‪#‎SuperBowl‬?

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A new poll shows Charlie Crist 7 points ahead of Gov. Rick Scott in Florida. Wow. Might have to retire half my Florida jokes.

 

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From Jerry Perisho:  Asked if she was going to the polls on Tuesday, Kim Kardashian said, “No, but I’m opening a new store in Warsaw, next spring.”

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The best of games, the worst of games.

October 19, 2014

And some people still think football players don’t need math skills. Tulane QB Nick Montana spiked the ball today near the end of the first half to stop the clock. On fourth down….. ‪#‎Oops‬

 

Texas A&M QB Kenny Hill has filed for the trademark Kenny Trill, “Trill” apparently being a new word meaning “true and real.” So after today’s 59-0 blowout by Alabama does that mean it’s “true” that A&M is “real”ly over-rated?

 

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Notre Dame game winning TD  against FSU  called back for offensive pass interference.  Guess the Fighting Irish couldn’t bring their own officiating crew from South Bend ‪

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#‎WestVirginia‬ upsets Baylor. And the Mountaineers will be getting flower deliveries from every one-loss ‪#‎SEC‬ school. ‪#‎BAYvsWVU‬ .

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Oklahoma’s star senior kicker Michael Hunnicutt missed a potential game winning 19 yd field goal, after missing a 32 yd attempt earlier, and having a extra point blocked. If the Sooners end up playing Stanford in a bowl there won’t be enough Maalox in the country for fans of both teams during place kicks.

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Although be careful what you wish for. No doubt many Stanford football fans were hoping tonight’s game against ASU wouldn’t come down to a field goal attempt by Jordan Williamson..

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Blake Griffin said he is frustrated over continued hard fouls, and “probably” will start retaliating if they continue. Could result in a big jump in Clippers’ TV ratings….

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So its now harder to vote than to buy a gun in ‪#‎Texas‬.
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If seniors weren’t traditionally conservative voters have to figure Republicans would be trying to stop all this early voting in Florida. With the excuse that some percentage of these voters won’t still be alive on election day.

 

Interesting  ‪#‎FSUvsND‬ matchup, One QB coming off a year’s suspension, another looking like he deserves one.

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President Obama today on Ebola “This is a serious disease, but we can’t give in to hysteria or fear — because that only makes it harder to get people the accurate information they need. We have to be guided by the science.” Science? Really? That’s it. Now FOX News is really convinced the President isn’t a real American.

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Spectacular. According to Texas’s new Voter ID laws, a veteran’s ID or student ID will NOT be acceptable as identification, even with photos on them. A concealed handgun license IS acceptable. Can we just let them secede NOW?

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For all those who think baseball is boring, thanks to Dwight Perry for this from Vox.com – The breakdown of a Cincinnati-New England televised NFL game on Oct 6::

. Players standing around between plays: 35.5 percent
• Commercials: 24.5 percent
• Replays: 10.7 percent
• Coach shots: 4.9 percent
• Referee shots: 3.2 percent
• Halftime: 3.2 percent
• Sideline player shots: 2.2 percent
• On-screen promotions: 2 percent
• Other (crowd shots, cheerleaders): 5.5 percent

Actual football being played? 8.3 percent.

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Drop zone

October 10, 2014

A FOX Sports investigation alleges that FSU University officials and Tallahassee police “took steps to both hide, and then hinder, the criminal investigation into a rape allegation against Jameis Winston.” Well, not like Winston was accused of anything serious, like selling his autograph.

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The Yankees fired hitting coach Kevin Long. Right, because it’s his fault all these sluggers making over $10 million a year suddenly forgot how to hit.

 

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Picture below is of a  Navy Seal parachuting into Stanford Stadium with flag and game ball. Of course a true Stanford Cardinal Seal would land -and stop – between the 30 and the goal line.

 

 

seal

 

KC ‪#‎Royals‬ are the team every real baseball fan loves to watch in postseason. Until you think about them possibly playing YOUR team. ‪

 

#‎Royals‬ are doing their best to prove that playoff experience is overrated. ‪#‎ALCS‬

 

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‎#SFGiants‬ fans watch ‪#‎Royals‬ load bases with no out and not score. Are we sure we aren’t watching ‪#‎Giants‬ replay for June or July?

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And we wonder why there’s a gender gap. NJ GOP Senate candidate Jeff Bell on why he is losing to Cory Booker. “I’ve done a lot of thinking about this and looked at a lot of different polls, I think it has more to do with the rise in single women. Single mothers particularly are automatically Democratic because of the benefits. They need benefits to survive, and so that kind of weds them to the Democratic Party. But single women who have never married and don’t have children are also that way.”

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Another day, another quarantined plane over a passenger vomiting, this time landing in Las Vegas. And apparently a false alarm. But if someone getting sick is going to start meaning long delays, airlines may have to start upgrading the food they sell onboard.

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In case ‪#‎SFGiants‬ fans were feeling lukewarm about another postseason against ‪#‎Cardinals‬, STL has added AJ Pierzynski to roster. ‪#‎douchebag‬

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Why there is no satire. Gwyneth Paltrow hosted a fundraiser for President Obama, and cited his efforts for sustainable energy and also for equal pay for women which she called “Very important to me as a working mother.’” And somehow Gwyneth said it with a straight face.

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Johnny Manziel on Georgia RB Todd Gurley, suspended for accepting autograph payments. “He’s built an image for himself. He’s built somewhat of a brand I feel he should be able to capitalize off it.” And of course Manziel didn’t need to add “Like I did.”

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Will.i.am tweeted his displeasure with United Airlines for giving away his first class seat to China. “Plane leave at 1:15 I got to the airport at 12:30…@united is the worse…” Uh, as much as I rag on airlines, 45 minutes in advance at the AIRPORT, not the gate, for an international flight that boards at least 45 minutes in advance….? . Bet hundreds of passengers are glad they didn’t delay the plane for another entitled celebrity.

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The young woman who accused suspended Florida QB Treon Harris has apparently withdrawn her sexual assault claim. Alas, no way of knowing whether she made it up in the first place, or whether she decided not to go through the hell of an investigation and trial, with a lot of resources against her. But while plenty of morons talked about women provoking domestic violence don’t see a lot of people saying maybe these players shouldn’t get themselves in this sort of situation in the first place.

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From Bill Littlejohn:   After his latest playoff meltdown, do we call baseball’s best pitcher—‘Clay-Rod’? –

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Let’s play two.

October 5, 2014

18 innings. Wonder how this SFGiants Washington Nationals game would have had to go until we got to penalty kicks?

 

 

After Belt’s home run in the 18th, figured the game had gone on so long FOX announcers might actually say nice things about San Francisco Giants in hopes of just getting to go home. ‪#‎SFvsWAS‬

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The game did only end at midnight thought, and lots of ‪#‎Nationals‬ fans had already left.  Where do they think they were? Chavez Ravine? ‪#‎SFGiants‬

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Until tonight ‪#‎SFGiants‬ pitcher Yusmeiro Petit managed to almost throw a perfect game against the Mets (8 2/3 innings), and broke the MLB record of 46 straight batters retired. But no one nationally had heard of him. Until tonight.

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Nice ‪#‎Friendsarewaiting‬ Budweiser commercial about the guy who stays with friends instead of driving home drunk. But it doesn’t show the dog pee somewhere all over the floor….

 

Despite a tough loss for the Cardinal, it was 40 degrees and rainy in South Bend, and 90 degrees and sunny in Palo Alto ‪#‎Stanford‬ ‪#‎NotreDame‬

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Bobby Jindal said yesterday that President Obama should stop all air traffic from countries with Ebola. So what are the Louisiana Governor’s plans for closing his state’s border with Texas?

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Two passengers who were vomiting on the plane caused an entire United flight from Brussels to Newark to be quarantined for several hours on arrival. If vomit is enough to spark Ebola fears these days, there are going to be a lot of delays for folks flying home from Las Vegas.

 

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Lindsay Graham now says he “may just jump in” to the 2016 Presidential race. And Hillary Clinton is thinking this is almost as good news as having a grandchild.

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So Derek Jeter is having a big party on Long Island this weekend, which is “trending” because of reports that it’s a secret wedding. Sigh. Well, to be fair, Jeter has been out of the headlines for almost a whole week.

 

 

The SF Giants and Washington Nationals played two games and scored only three runs. But now Cal and WSU are playing an arena football game.

 

 

#‎Stanford‬ can’t score, ‪#‎Cal‬ can’t play defense. This year’s “Big Game” will be subtitled “Something’s gotta give.”

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Cal wins 60-59 on a missed field goal despite giving up over 800 yards.    So was the strategy to wear out Washington State’s kicker with all those PATs?

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So who figured the center of the college football world would now be Mississippi?

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From Bill Littlejohn.  The U.S. Postal Service is set to unveil new Wilt Chamberlain commemorative stamps—-there are slated to be special notches on the first 20,000 of them”

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Decisions, decisions.

September 11, 2014

In South Africa, verdicts can take two days. And in Thursday’s’s first day of the verdict in the Oscar Pistorius trial the judge says Pistorius is not guilty of murder. Wonder if she grew up in Los Angeles?  Or if she wants to move there.

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In San Francisco, 49ers announcer Ted Robinson on KNBR-AM said Monday about Janay Rice, “How does she marry him after that? How does she go in front of Goodell? That’s pathetic to me.” And Robinson got suspended two games. The same original suspension Rice got…….

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So Ray MacDonald plays after his domestic violence arrest, as Aldon Smith did after his DUI arrest and announcer Ted Robinson gets suspended for his insensitive comments. So is the lesson here in the SF football world, we’ll give you due process on whatever you do as long as you keep your mouth shut?

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Indiana Pacers star Paul George “I don’t condone hittin women or think it’s coo BUT if SHE ain’t trippin then I ain’t trippin.. Lets keep it movin lol let that man play!” So where’s the app that says “You are a public figure, do you REALLY want to post that?”

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Tough Thursday night NFL game for women #SteelersRavens. – the team supporting the alleged rapist against the team that supported the wife beater.

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Now according to OTL, several sources are saying Ray Rice told Roger Goodell in June that he had punched his fiancee in an elevator, and “that he was sorry and that it wouldn’t happen again.”. Though the NFL commissioner just said “when we met with Ray Rice and his representatives, it was ambiguous about what actually happened.” Hard to believe, but Rice may come out of this looking better than Goodell.

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So is there a 2014 unwritten rule that in Northern California one baseball team must s*ck at all times? #SFGiants #As

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Bud Selig today, asked about the Rice/ Goodell situations says that a domestic violence “has been discussed (by MLB), because we’re sensitive to all issues.” Right, another of Selig’s “blue ribbon committees.” Amazed the man hasn’t strained an arm patting himself so hard on the back.

 

Paloaltoonline.com notes that Stanford football is “not ready to push the panic button” after last week’s loss to USC. And based on last week, if the Cardinal offense got close to the panic button, they probably couldn’t hit it.

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Kanye West went to a hospital emergency room in Australia for “a pretty intense migraine.” About as big a headache as many Americans get hearing about him and Kim?

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Sarah Palin on the mess in the Mideast. “War is hell. So go big or go home, Mr. President. Big means bold, confident, wise assurance from a trustworthy Commander-in-Chief that it shall be worth it. Charge in, strike hard, get out. Win.” And just imagine, John McCain wanted this woman to be a heartbeat away from the Presidency.

 

A 6th-grade teacher in D.C. will apologize to students for asking them to draw comparisons between George W. Bush and Adolph Hitler. So they think she should have asked for comparisons between Cheney and Hitler?

(And yes, I know what she did was flat out wrong as a teacher and she should be reprimanded. Teachers should be held to a higher standard. Joke-writers on the other hand…..)

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Cupcake factory

August 30, 2014

sun

 

Stanford Stadium, start of the second half.  The stadium was about 2/3 full. But Stanford fans  proving they are smart enough to get out of the sun.  (Shady side was SRO.)

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38 to 0 Stanford over UCDavis at half time.  45 to 0 final. Not sure if there will be a rematch. At this point Davis is probably fielding half a dozen offers for future games from teams in the SEC .

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Good for Wisconsin for playing LSU opening weekend. But the Badgers’ 4th quarter collapse probably means their long shot hopes for this year’s BCS playoffs are already done. There has to be a better way. #Toomanycupcakes

 

 

Michael Sam released by the St. Louis Rams in their final cuts.  Good news for #ESPN who can now make their story, “Same circus, different elephants.” #notrunkjokesplease

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Michael Sam’s dream isn’t over. He could still be picked up off waivers by another NFL team.  Or maybe even the Raiders.

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Rep. Peter King said that Obama’s tan suit during a press conference was a metaphor for a “lack of seriousness.” Uh, and maybe really caring about the color of the President’s suit is a metaphor for a lack of a brain?

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Ghostbusters is having their 30th anniversary weekend. So now “Who you gonna call? really means “Do you remember who you were gonna call?

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The San Antonio Spurs are amongst the teams trying to sign Ray Allen, Guess the NBA champions figure it’s time for a youth movement.

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A mom from Bremerton, Washington, was sentenced to serve at least a year in jail after her 9-year-old son took a gun to his school, and had it go off in his backpack, injuring an 8-year-old classmate. More of this kind of sentence and just MAYBE more people will be more careful with their firearms? #wecandream

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In a NY Times story about Las Vegas tourist gun ranges, a “range safety officer” is quoted as saying that more than half the tourists “haven’t seen a gun before, much less handled one. You have to ease their fears and you do that by highlighting the safety features. If they do anything wrong, you will be there to correct them.”   Yeah, that worked out so well last week.

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Missed it by that much….

March 24, 2014

Today was a rough Monday.  All those folks who thought Warren Buffett was going to make them billionaires had to slink back into work.

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For anyone watching the Cardinal upset Sunday, my son found this line on SI.com “As expected, Kansas center Joel Embiid didn’t play against Stanford. A little more surprisingly, neither did Andrew Wiggins.” Ouch.

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Tiger Woods says he isn’t sure if he will be able to play at Augusta in two weeks. And if you thought that little boy at the Kansas-Stanford game was crying, wait until you see the Masters’ TV sponsors.

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Fortunately all the injuries were minor at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport when a commuter train derailed this morning. Although have to wonder, when most people heard “O’Hare’ and “train wreck” they probably assumed it was a metaphor for something with United Airlines.

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Mitt Romney in his new role as “Criticizer-in-chief” is saying what President “should have done from the very beginning was have the judgment to understand that Russia was not our friend.” Where was Mitt when W. “looked into” (Putin’s) eyes and saw his soul?

 

 

 

So what would Mitt Romney have done to scare Putin anyway? Drove around with a Russian Wolfhound on the roof of his car?

 

 

In the women’s NCAA tournament, DePaul upset #2 Duke 74-65 Monday night. Looks like the Blue Devil women picked a bad week to start playing like the men.

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Colorado Gov. John Hickenlooper has installed beer taps in the Governor’s mansion. And visitors from out of state are thinking “beer schmeer, what about brownies?”

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Miami Marlins president David Sampson wants his team to pick up the pace of games this year. So the new team motto will be “Nasty, brutish and shorter?”

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The NFL is considering a 4th game in London in 2015. As rough as the flight is, have to figure a lot of teams would rather play there than Buffalo or Green Bay in November or December.

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Anthony Weiner has a new gig as a political columnist for Business Insider. Wonder if he knew it’s “Insider” not “Inside-Her.”

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Mark Sanchez apparently will end up with the Philadelphia Eagles. Wow. Perfect place for a guy who may have been a little too sensitive to fan disapproval…..

 

From Neil Berliner :   The Eagles are signing Mark Sanchez. Mark’s much better than Michael Vick. Because he could never hit a dog, especially if it were ten or more yards away from him.

 

A couple MH 370 thoughts.

Really hope they find that Malaysian Air plane along with the black boxes. Not just for the important closure for survivors, but because we really need to shut the conspiracy theorists up.

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As if this story weren’t weird enough, Malaysia Airlines notified some family members that “We have to assume beyond reasonable doubt that MH370 has been lost and that none of those on board have survived,” via TEXT message. Thereby usurping all breakup messages in the history of texting from the lead in the “least sensitive message ever” category.

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Oh, baby

March 24, 2014

 

Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher are expecting their first child together. Wonder if Mila might ask Demi Moore if she’s saved any of Ashton’s favorite toys.

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Shouldn’t Warren Buffett give at least a few thousand to those who had #Dayton #Stanford in the Sweet Sixteen? Both of them.

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Not a lot of people outside Palo Alto had Stanford into the Sweet Sixteen. Heck, not a lot of people INSIDE Palo Alto had Stanford into the Sweet Sixteen.

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It might be a nice gesture for #Stanford to offer #cryingKansaskid a campus tour. Maybe he’ll grow up to play for the Cardinal.

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The SF Chronicle has the same reporter regularly covering the Stanford men’s and women’s basketball teams.  (And Tom Fitzgerald’s been driving between St. Louis and Ames.)  Why do I think the paper didn’t spend a lot of time trying to figure out his potential conflict for the second NCAA tournament weekend?

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While the Dodgers swept their two-game series in Australia with the D’backs, there have already been incidents where Yasiel Puig has drawn the ire of manager Don Mattingly and teammate Adrian Gonzalez. How long in Los Angeles until we start hearing “Puigy being Puigy?”

 

Hillary Clinton admitted last night that she is weighing another presidential campaign. “I am shocked,” said absolutely no one.

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Jimmy Carter,89, said he writes letters when it’s something sensitive as he thinks the NSA is monitoring his emails. And the NSA responded. “Wait, Jimmy Carter knows how to send emails?”

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A man was arrested Friday after ordering ten shots of Jägermeister and then punching two other patrons and setting fire to a trash can in a sports bar. You guessed, it, Florida. (If only he had been armed.)

 

The latest potential credit card date breach involves the DMV. “Wow. I’m shocked they would be so sloppy and careless.” said no one who’s ever renewed a driver’s license.

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From Gary Bachman   “The president of Malta’s grandson gave the pope a plastic dinosaur. The only other time the pope held a plastic dinosaur was when he embraced Joan Rivers.”

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