Posted tagged ‘Ebola jokes’

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A sight to behold?

December 3, 2014

In England, George Clooney made an appearance on Downton Abbey for charity.

Women get it. To explain this concept to men, this is the equivalent of NFL football with naked cheerleaders.

 

Boston’s Mass General Hospital is treating a possible Ebola patient. But of course, this isn’t making major headlines – since the November election is over.

 

Go figure this targeted FB ad, from Walmart, suggesting that you “not miss a minute of the 49ers game” with Walmart grocery delivery. What do they target supposed Oakland fans with? “Come stand in line at our stores and you don’t have to watch the Raiders game.”?

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#‎BlackFriday‬ sales were down, ‪#‎CyberMonday‬ sales weren’t up as much as expected. Uh, maybe because the ‪#‎smallbusinessSaturday‬ and ‪#‎GivingTuesday‬ and the extended everything sales have made Americans think they’d be idiots to buy early?

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The NFL is not apologizing for the St. Louis Rams players who came out with their hands up before Sunday’s game. The league presumably is still deciding whether they need to apologize for the play of the Raiders.

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The underachieving ‪#‎SF49ers‬ are playing the simply awful ‪#‎oaklandraiders‬ this Sunday. Can we dub this the Grumpy Bowl?

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Michigan is apparently firing coach Brady Hoke after a 5-7 season. The Wolverines really now might be a particularly good fit for Jim Harbaugh. If the situation you’re coming into is bad enough, no one cares if you’re an a**hole.

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After security lines at Chicago’s Midway Airport stretched over a mile Sunday morning, TSA now said they made a mistake. They opened checkpoints at 4:00am, but due to the holiday, ticket counters had opened at 3:30am. Sort of makes you feel real warm and fuzzy about their ability to catch bad guys.

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Veteran MLB umpire Dale Scott just revealed that he is gay and married to his partner of 28 years. Who knew, an ump turns out to be braver than the players.

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NY Jets WR Eric Decker’s wife Jessie says her husband has been “depressed about the team’s season. And season ticket holders are thinking “HE’S depressed? We’re the ones paying to watch this sh*t.”

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Rain has hit the San Francisco Bay Area so hard and fast that most networks have barely had time to have their reporters covering the drought over to “Stormwatch.”

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Senator Rob Portman said yesterday he will not run for President in 2016. And most Americans said “Who?”

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Don’t make me come up there.

November 13, 2014

A new report says a Secret Service agent was chatting on his cellphone while an intruder scaled the White House fence in September. Maybe it’s time to get men out of the Secret Service. Not that women don’t chat. But we can multitask.

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Most Americans don’t seem to know or care about the “Net Neutrality” issue. Maybe they’d take more of an interest if proponents explained it might affect their ability to see Kim Kardashian naked?

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A plastic surgeon claims that by 2016, he’ll have FDA approval and be able to market “Vacation Breasts.” An injectable saline solution with added chemicals to increase women’s breast sizes for 2-3 weeks. Wow. A whole new opportunity for women to attract men who they can then claim don’t appreciate them for who they really are……

 

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Evangelical actor Kirk Cameron has a film “Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas,” which attacks the idea that some Christmas traditions actually have pagan roots. So this means Cameron’s found the part in the Bible where Jesus said to go out and look for Black Friday sales?

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The fiancée of Thomas Eric Duncan, the Liberian man who died of Ebola in Dallas, apparently has a book deal.. Wonder how many potential buyers are afraid you might get Ebola from reading it.

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#‎WeCanLandOnACometButWeCant‬ answer the question “What is a comet?”

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Qatar’s sports minister was asked how gay people will be welcomed at the 2022 World Cup, and gave a vague answer starting with “It’s exactly like the alcohol question…” Which is not great news for LGBT sports fans who want to watch soccer in 122 degree weather, both of them.

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Uruguayan soccer star Luis Suarez on his bad habit. “Biting scares a lot of people. But it’s relatively harmless.” Well that should make competing players feel all warm and fuzzy.

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Some airports, including Phoenix Sky Harbor, Boston Logan, and Dallas Fort Worth DFW, now have walking paths for travelers. Denver and O’Hare are sticking with the old model – gates as far apart as possible that usually require a good run to make a flight.

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Scott Ostler has the right solution to this joke of a College Football Playoff committee. Put the real impartial experts in charge – a panel of the best oddsmakers in Las Vegas.

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USC CB Josh Davis, explaining why he fabricated a story about jumping into a pool to save his nephew, said he was arguing with his girlfriend, and leaped from the balcony because he thought she called the authorities, and as a “black man with dreadlocks” he was afraid.

He added “I didn’t think it could be proved that story was not true. My sister was having a party … my cousin does have a balcony over his pool. … It involved only myself, my sister, two or three little kids, and my cousin.”

Another reason why football players should go to class, in Creative Writing he’d learn how to make up a better story.

 

It’s early in the NBA season, but so far two of the top teams are Toronto and Memphis. Now that’s a potential Finals matchup that would make the networks long for the ratings lure of a Kansas City-SF World Series.

 

ESPN announcers talking earlier tonight about how close USC was to having a chance for the College Football Playoffs, with late losses to ASU and Utah. Uh, yeah, and then there was that 13-10 win in Palo Alto that they only got when Stanford flubbed most of their EIGHT trips to the Red Zone.

 

NBA commissioner Adam Silver wrote in a NY Times op-ed that Congress “should adopt a federal framework that allows states to authorize betting on professional sports” Translation, maybe if more Americans can legally bet on the NBA they might actually pay attention to the 82 game regular season.

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Down to the wire

October 28, 2014

This just in.   ESPN experts predict winner of Wednesday’s SF Giants  KC Royals game will win the World Series.

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SF Giants game 7 strategy?  Wear out KC Royals bats in game 6?

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So ESPN wanted Derek Jeter to matter in the postseason. And who knows, the SF Giants, baseball’s most consistent unkillable cockroaches, may well win tomorrow. But home field advantage for this World Series was probably decided by Wainwright deciding to groove that farewell All-Star pitch….

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Only fun San Francisco fans are having tonight with ‪#‎WorldSeries‬ so far is thinking how dismal the ratings must be for ‪#‎FOX‬ at this point in Game 6. .‪#‎SFGiants‬

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Saddest story of this MLB postseason is of course Oscar Tavares. But his death apparently inspired two friends, Juan Perez and Yordano Ventura, to have the games of their lives. ‪#‎WorldSeries‬

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Bus to hell time. TMZ is reporting that Jose Canseco blew his middle finger off his right hand while cleaning his handgun at home in Las Vegas. Well, not like he used it for fielding or anything.

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Taking time out from the World Series, send good wishes to Gordie Howe. Mr. Hockey, who at 86 is apparently recovering from a “serious stroke.” He was a dominant player in his sport longer than almost anyone. Yes, including Derek Jeter.-

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First NCAA playoff rankings out. 3 ‪#‎SEC‬ teams out of 4. Shocking to many. They expected 4 #SEC teams. ‪#‎Collegefootballplayoff‬

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If NY & NJ really want to beat ‪#‎Ebola‬, forget quarantine. Have folks returning from Africa join  the #‎NYJets‬. None of them can catch anything.

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Dunkin’ Donuts is introducing a croissant-donut. But the chain maintains it is NOT a “Cronut.” Why? Because their lawyers said so.

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Sarah Palin “Those haters out there, they don’t understand that it invigorates me…. the more they’re pouring on the more I’m going to bug the crap out of them by being out there with a voice, with the message, hopefully running for office in the future, too.”  Palin “haters” and comedy writers alike heard the last part and are thinking, “Promise?”

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At a Southern Baptist conference titled “The Gospel, Homosexuality and the Future of Marriage,” some speakers talked about being the voice of a moral minority because gay marriage is a “rejection of God’s law.” Wonder why some of these folks don’t also have conferences against heterosexual adultery and divorce?

 

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The ‪#‎NBA‬ season started Tuesday night. The Philadelphia ‪#‎76ers‬ will be eliminated from playoff contention tomorrow.

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Michael Jordan, majority owner of the Charlotte Hornets, says he is “dreaming” of a seventh NBA ring. Yep, “dreaming” is absolutely the correct word.

 

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Dwight Howard said today “I didn’t leave L.A. because I was afraid of Kobe Bryant.” More like Dwight was afraid of not making the playoffs.

 

 

Meanwhile, Lakers rookie Julius Randle, the team’s #1 pick, broke his right tibia during an opening night loss. Meaning alas Randle will likely be as helpful to this year’s team as Steve Nash.

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RG III might be ready to go back in as Washington’s quarterback for their next game as the team has a bye week coming up. And fans are now thinking, take a little more time to heal your ankle. A year or two to be safe.

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Dolly Parton, on her support of gay rights: “But as far as the Christians, if people want to pass judgment, they’re already sinning. The sin of judging is just as bad as any other sin they might say somebody else is committing. I try to love everybody.” As Dolly has also said, “I know I’m not dumb, and I know I’m not blonde.”

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Better to be silent and thought a fool….

October 25, 2014

Oops. Broncos practice squad player John Boyett, arrested for public intoxication in Denver, told police to “contact my boss, John Elway.” Make that “former boss.” The Broncos cut him yesterday.

 

If you smoke, don’t text…. A Georgia man, apparenty running low on his supply, sent a text asking “You have some weed?” He accidentally sent the text to his probation officer….. Oops. He is now back behind bars.

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As a Stanford grad, really hated to be rooting against a Cardinal pitcher in the World Series. (Jeremy Guthrie)  But life is a series of tough choices. ‪#‎SFGiants‬.

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A home run in the 6th inning for Pablo Sandoval with 1 on and San Francisco down 1 run  might have priced the Panda out of the Giants league in 2015 as a free agent.  But would have been okay with it. #oneyearatatime

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Tampa Bay manager Joe Maddon exercised his opt-out clause with the Rays, and is rumored to be going to the Cubs. Maybe now that he’s turned 60, Maddon just wants to be sure of having Octobers off.

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ToysRUs removes Breaking Bad Action Figures from  stores. At least parents can still buy wholesome Mortal Kombat figures & video games. ‪#‎WTF‬?

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Shocking, we’ve actually found a depth that reality TV won’t sink to….TLC has cancelled “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” because Mama June is dating a recently released convicted child molester. (Of course, there’s still time for another network to pick the show up.)

 

Hell is freezing over. I agree with ‪#‎haroldreynolds‬ . He said “The National League is a better game.” ‪#‎WorldSeries‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬

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So a health worker arriving from West Africa with no symptoms has been quarantined for 21 days under a new mandatory policy announced by Governors Andrew Cuomo and Chris Christie. Meanwhile, at least one student plus alleged shooter dead in at a high school near Seattle. Think there will be any changes with gun control?

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So while we are freaking out about Ebola, a San Diego State student died Saturday from meningitis, which is also spread by close contact. And apparently this poor young woman was in a sorority and went to two frat parties a few days before she had symptoms…. But we aren’t quarantining Southern California, yet.

 

 

T. C.  on American tobacco company RJ Reynolds instituting a no-smoking policy at all its offices. “In related news, the manufacturer of ex-lax has removed all the restrooms from its buildings.”

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Question-able judgment?

October 23, 2014

Would really be worth watching the in-game interviews if one day some ball player snaps and just says “STFU with the stupid questions and let’s just watch the game.” ‪#‎WorldSeries‬

 

On a brighter note for ‪#‎SFGiants‬ ‪#‎Posey wasn’t thrown out again at the plate tonight. ‪#‎WorldSeries‬

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Giants reliever Hunter Strickland got into a shouting match with Royals catcher Santiago Perez.   FOX was really disappointed. Had it escalated into a full scale brawl ratings would have been better.

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But okay, . So before game 1, the Royals seemed to be clear favorites with a bullpen that made the 7-9th innings irrelevant. Then it was going to be a Giants sweep. Tonight “the pesky Kansas City Royals fought back from a Game 1 flop to beat the San Francisco Giants’ brilliant bullpen.”   ESPN  and FOX analysis makes Brett Favre look decisive.

 

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#‎whythereisnosatire‬ In 2015, Camel cigarette maker Reynolds American Inc. will start prohibiting the use of cigarettes, cigars or pipes in the company’s offices, conference rooms and elevators.

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Safari bookings in Kenya have apparently dropped up to 70% because of Ebola fears. Despite the fact that Kenya is over 3000 miles from Liberia. This is as if overseas tourists started avoiding New York because of earthquake fears in California. ‪#‎lookataglobepeople‬!

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The new President and COO of Norwegian Cruise line came from Darden, where he was COO of Olive Garden restaurants. Well, that ought to do wonders for the image of cruise ships having mediocre food.

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Who says football isn’t educational. The Florida Gators have replaced their starting QB with a true freshman. And a number of players now may learn the historical story behind the phrase “replacing deck chairs on the Titanic.

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The NCAA just stated that the Mo’ne Davis’s Chevy commercial won’t affect her amateur status should the 13 year old want to play college sports. The statement concludes “While this situation is unusual, the flexible approach utilized in this decision is not.” In other words, we want to be at least as fair to Mo’ne as we would be to an SEC Heisman winner.

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A judge ruled that Roger Goodell must testify at the hearing on Ray Rice’s appeal of his indefinite suspension. So that will settle it, when he gets asked direct questions, why would anyone doubt Goodell’s honesty?

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Kim Kardashian, in an interview with ES magazine on daughter North West ‘She will have to work for what she wants’, just like Kim herself did. And she said it with a straight face.

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-In Washington, D.C., a 22 year-old substitute teacher allegedly had sex with a football player student, 17, on her first day of school. Wow. And here some say substitutes can never match up to regular teachers.

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How can you really top some statements with a punchline? Fox News’ Kimberly Guilfoyle, saying that young women don’t have the proper “life experience” such as having kids and paying bills that allows older women to make informed decisions, whether in the voting booth or the courtroom. “They’re like healthy and hot and running around without a care in the world, so they should be “excused” so “they can go back on Tinder or Match.com.”

 

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From Bill Littlejohn  “Report–Texas is to pay scholarship athletes 10K per year.Why the pay cut?”

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Finally on a serious note, one of those times you hope there is a hell. Because there should be a special circle of it for someone who shoots an unarmed soldier guarding a war memorial. #Ottawa.

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Let’s make a deal?

October 19, 2014

The Cowboys’ Joseph Randle, arrested for shoplifting underwear last week, has now signed an endorsement deal with MeUndies, an underwear company. So how long until Jameis Winston signs with Red Lobster?

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Open note to haters. If God really is anti-gay, then how to explain the team that signed Michael Sam to their practice squad having a better season than even their hard core fans could have imagined? ‪#‎Cowboys‬

(And no, I am STILL not a Dallas fan. But credit where credit is due.)

 

Will all these people complaining about an 88 win team playing a 87 win team in the  World Series‬ please consider that the “better” MLB teams have a 2 and 16 record in the 2014 postseason against the  Kansas City Royals and the SF Giants..

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The Keene, NH, Pumpkin Festival turned into a riot last night, and police had to use tear gas and pepper spray to disperse the crowd. So do we add pumpkin to the list of gateway drugs?.

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Peyton Manning threw his 508th career TD pass today, tying Brett Favre’s NFL record. Asked to comment, especially after watching some other QBs today, Favre responded “well, 508 is my total, so far.”

 

FSU coach Jimbo Fisher after beating Notre Dame. “This team has tremendous what I call ‘adversity tolerance.”  Over-under on how many Seminoles players can spell “adversity tolerance”?

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On a brighter note these days, especially after last’s night debacle in Tempe,   at least Stanford fans don’t have to worry any more about all those “David Shaw being lured to the NFL rumors.”

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But on the other hand, Notre Dame is upset because their game comes down to  a controversial  referee decision. And the rest of college football is trying not to giggle.

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Spain’s “Special Ebola Committee” says that the nurse aide who had contracted Ebola is now free of the virus. Although why should we let a little good news get in the way of serious hysteria.

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Here we go again, now it’s Rep. Peter King demanding Obama must immediately ban on anyone traveling from West African countries with Ebola to the USA. Now, first, there are visa issues. But if anyone IS in one of those countries who is either a U.S. citizen or has a green card or U.S visa, well, of course they wouldn’t think of buying two or more separate tickets to get around such a ban, would they?

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Meanwhile from Alex Kaseberg:  ” The Canadian Ebola vaccine looks very promising. If Canada can rid themselves of Justin Bieber, they can get rid of anything.”

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R.I.P. Nashville songwriter Paul Craft, 76. He wrote for the Eagles, Linda Ronstadt, and Ray Stevens. And he did write the country song with perhaps the greatest title ever, “Dropkick me Jesus. (Through the Goalposts of Life.)

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Fair trade?

October 18, 2014

The Seahawks are going to trade WR Percy Harvin to the NY Jets. Seattle will apparently receive a conditional draft pick in 2015. Harvin will receive the month of January off.

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Apparently the James Spence Authentication company, has authenticated more than 2,000 signatures from FSU QB Jameis Winston. Hey, maybe the guy’s majoring in penmanship?

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25 years ago October 17 was the Loma Prieta Earthquake. At section 21 at Candlestick Park I must confess, my first thought was “Bleeping A’s fans doing the wave.”

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So now a Carnival Cruise ship has been forbidden to dock in Belize because a passenger on board helped care for the Ebola patient in Dallas. Well, and if vomiting is a symptom of the disease no chance of any of that on a “Fun Ship…”

 

Who says the ‪#‎NYJets‬ can’t be first in anything this year? The NY Post reports “According to the Elias Sports Bureau, the Jets are the first team in NFL history to lose a game with 40 minutes of time of possession (40:54), 200 rushing yards (218) and no turnovers.”

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A Texan tourist was accidentally locked in a London bookstore for three hours when he walked in late and didn’t notice that the Waterstones store was closing. And all over Texas people are going “see, books are dangerous!”

 

A Michigan funeral home has started a new “drive-through” viewing service, so people don’t have to get out of their cars to pay their last respects. And if they text while they are driving through do potential customers get future discounts?

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No baseball for next four days. :(. Might have to just keep rewatching win from last night.

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Retired FSU coach Bobby Bowden just said that Jameis Winston “does things that kids in grammar school would do.” And plenty of parents are thinking “Hey, our grammar school kids behave better than that.”

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All this fear mongering over a major health hazard facing about to hit the USA just might be overblown. And besides, the McDonald’s McRib will only be rolled out regionally.

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Despite an expected legal challenge from the NFL, Gov. Chris Christie signed a bill that allows sports betting at casinos and racetracks in New Jersey. Guess the league thinks if fans want to throw away money they should go to Jets and Giants games.

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Apparently almost 60 percent of the almost 1 million early votes cast in this year’s midterm elections are in Florida. Well, duh, and how many of them were cast early enough in the day for voters to make it to those early bird specials?

 

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Heard on a train to San Francisco with 20 somethings discussing reading. “On paper? You mean like a book form?”.

 

 

 

From Bill Littlejohn: “According to a CNN.com report, you can now rent a virtual girlfriend in China for about $3. ‘Now they tell me,’ said Manti T’eo.”

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All they do is win

October 17, 2014

goingtokc

 

SF Giants chicks are back to digging the long ball.

 

Congrats to Travis Ishikawa. Most Americans had no clue who he was yesterday, and now he’s trending on Twitter.

 

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No Cain, no Pagan, no Scutaro. Effectively no Lincecum. And no Belt or Morse for much of the year. ‪#‎cockroaches‬ ‪#‎sfgiants‬. ‪#‎worldseries‬

 

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Somewhere Bob Brenly is smiling. ‪#‎redemption‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬ ‪#‎WorldSeries‬

 

But the lead column on Fox Sports tonight.  “If you think Matheny deserves to be ripped, you’re right.”  Because of course Joe Buck’s network couldn’t say the SF Giants actually might have deserved to win this one.

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Back in June heard SFGiants GM Brian Sabean say how Joe Panik wasn’t ready for the big leagues yet.   Hard to imagine how good the kid might be when he IS ready.

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A new study finds that four areas of the San Andreas Fault in Northern California are now “overdue” for a significant quake. So why should Ebola have all the fear fun?

 

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Apparently Florida Gov. Rick Scott refused to start his debate against Charlie Crist when Crist had a fan under the podium, because of a ban against electronic devices. ( Which was intended to keep them from using computers-laptops-phones….)

 

Got it. So Scott would have been okay with Crist waving a big paper fan while he talked?

 

How amazing was the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ win tonight to get to the ‪#‎WorldSeries‬? They knocked the ‪#‎NYJets‬ latest loss right off ‪#‎ESPN‬ front page.

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Ann Romney said today she is still “done” with the idea of Mitt running again, but added “you know, you never do say never.” “Atta girl,” said Brett Favre.

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A judge found Donald Trump “personally liable” for knowingly operating his former Trump University without a license. So the Donald is in trouble because HE didn’t have a valid certificate.

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Seems like many of the same people whose retirement plan is to win the lottery are also convinced they’re going to get Ebola.

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Both LeBron James and Dirk Nowitzski are saying the NBA season should be shortened from 82 games. Good thing they are stars, otherwise the two might be fined for making too much sense.

 

 

From T.C. “The NBA is considering shortening their games from 48 to 44 minutes. I’d go with 46, as it’s the last two minutes that take forever.”

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Swan song for the Orioles.

October 15, 2014

KC Royals pitcher Jeremy Guthrie apologized for wearing a T-shirt  saying “These O’s aint’ Royal” — a pun on a Chris Brown song. Yeah, really unfair this week to compare Baltimore to Chris Brown, the O’s weren’t hitting anything.

 

Congrats to Kansas City.  Now FOX has a whole week to convince potential viewers that Royals really are America’s Team

 

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The Royals scored their two runs to win today in the first inning without a hit out of the infield. Who do they think they are, the ‪#‎SFGiants‬? ‪

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SF Giants have scored 22 runs in their last 6 post season games.  Of those, 10 runs were scored by way of a hit.  #smokeandmirrors

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So wonder what Andrew Friedman’s first act running the Dodgers will be. Other than trying just to buy the Royals

 

-On “The Jim Rome Show,” Bo Jackson said Jameis Winston is ignoring his advice. “I have communicated with him, and I just talked to him like I was his dad.” Yeah, and Winston is probably listening to Jackson about as much as many cocky 20 year olds listen to their dads

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Florida State coach Jimbo Fisher said they are confident Jameis Winston wasn’t paid for autographing memorabilia. And F$U has million$ of rea$on$ to believe that.

 

 

Actual items in a grocery ad today. Pumpkin Spice Salsa, Pumpkin Pasta Sauce, Pumpkin BBQ Sauce and, no joke, Organic Pumpkin Pet Food…. Anyone but me counting the days until Halloween and this pumpkin craziness is over?

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Dallas Cowboys coach Jason Garrett said RB Joseph Randle will be fined significantly for his shoplifting arrest. Wonder if the exact amount of the fine will depend on whether or not Garrett shoplifted NFL approved merchandise.

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Ebola is not contagious through the air. But after a second nurse with the virus was found to have flown on Frontier Airlines from Cleveland to Dallas, Frontier issued a statement saying “the aircraft received a thorough cleaning per our normal procedures.” “Normal procedures.” Yeah, that’s what Americans are afraid of…..

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Wonder how many Americans are getting so stressed out about ‪#‎Ebola‬ that they are taking up smoking?

 

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Meanwhile,  many in the GOP are calling for President Obama to appoint an Ebola “czar.”  So they can then turn around and say how bad a job that czar is doing.

 

 

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Messing with Texas.

October 14, 2014

Texas Gov. Rick Perry, speaking in London, telling his English audience  “You always sound so darn smart and refined no matter what you’re saying.” And no doubt many in the crowd are thinking “It’s not just the accent that makes you sound so dumb.”

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But also let me get this straight, in Texas, they are upset that the CDC and President Obama haven’t done more against Ebola. Mark this down, Texans are  Cocomplaining that the Federal Government hasn’t done enough to interfere in their state.

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Really? Cowboys RB Joseph Randle was arrested last night for shoplifting underwear and cologne in at a local Dillard’s. Wonder if the reaction in Dallas front office was, well at least he didn’t hit anybody.

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Apple and Facebook will now cover the costs for women employees who want to freeze their eggs and delay having children. Makes sense, why use those young and energetic years for motherhood when you can work 80 hour weeks for your company?

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We’re coming up on the 25th anniversary of the Oct 17, 1989 “World Series” earthquake. Wow. They actually used to play the World Series during mid-October?

 

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Alabama TE Kurt Freitag’s status is probably in jeopardy after police searched his dorm room last week and allegedly found 112 grams of marijuana and $4,661 in cash. Thinking this sort of thing presents a major recruiting opportunity for Colorado and the University of Washington.

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Dodgers have now hired Andrew Friedman from the Tampa Bay Rays as their new president of baseball operations. Well, money can’t buy happiness. But Friedman may be about to see it also can’t buy chemistry.

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Tickets for the Cal vs Oregon football game next Friday at Levi’s Stadium are now 2/3 off at Groupon. Might be a good time to check the place out.  With Cal’s defense and Oregon’s offense there probably shouldn’t be too much traffic leaving late in the 4th quarter.

 

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The SF Giants are doing their best to give all baseball fans in the Bay Area a free cardiac stress test. ‪#‎NLCS‬

 

 

#‎SFGiants‬ won at 4 20. Anyone see what Lincecum might have been doing to start a rally in the dugout?

 

 

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Anyone know how many ways there are to score without a base hit in baseball? ‪#‎SFGiants‬ seem bound and determined to show us ALL of them.

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The Royals were almost never on ESPN or FOX during the season, and they still aren’t. But watching them the last couple weeks I find it hard to believe that this team ever lost.

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Meanwhile for SF Giants (and St. Louis Cardinals) fans who were watching tonight’s KC Royals and Orioles game – – Amazing how much fun close game is when your heart isn’t set on one outcome. ‪#‎NLCS‬ ‪#‎ALCS‬

 

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The NHL Florida Panthers announced attendance of 7,311 last night. Or as the Montreal Expos used to call that, a packed house.

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All wet?

October 13, 2014

Game 3 of the ALCS was been postponed due to rain. Which means the lead sports story Monday was  Monday Night Football.   So at least that didn’t change.

 

The game was scheduled to be on TBS,   had it been scheduled for ESPN no doubt the network would have run a “Derek Jeter’s greatest playoff moments” retrospective.

 

The Baltimore Orioles are no doubt particularly disappointed that Monday’s ALCS game was rained out and not just delayed. Playing in serious mud might be the only way to slow the Kansas City Royals rabbits down.

 

#‎Rams‬ looked like they could use ‪#‎MichaelSam‬ on defense ‪#‎49ers‬ ‪#‎MNF‬

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How can you not love ‪#‎HunterPence‬? Apparently he made his own sign “Hunter Pence will work for ring.” ‪#‎HunterPenceSigns‬ ‪#‎SFGiants

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NC State suspended 7 players this week for a “BB gun incident” involving a “game with the guns” last week. A game with guns? Wonder if the players were immediately offered transfer opportunities to schools in Texas or Florida?

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A photo has been circulating showing Ole Miss star DL Robert Nkemdiche allegedly using a bong. Coach Hugh Freeze says “appropriate measures were taken.” Translation, Nkemdiche has probably been suspended for the 1st quarter of the Nov. 8th game vs Presbyterian.

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So NBC News’ Dr. Nancy Snyderman’s violated an Ebola quarantine to get some SOUP at Peasant Grill in New Jersey. What’s the restaurant’s new slogan going to be “Soup worth dying for.”? ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

 

Wouldn’t it have been simpler for ‪#‎jameiswinston‬ if he just traded autographs for crab legs? ‪#‎FSU‬

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The head of the NIH said that budget cuts might be the reason we don’t have an Ebola vaccine, which the agency has been working on over a decade. But really, why should we let all this fear and hysteria turn into a discussion about money and science?

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A psychologist said Oscar Pistorius is a “broken man” after shooting his girlfriend last year. Yeah, apparently the pain is affecting Pistorius’s relationship with the new girlfriend he met last December.

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A social worker testifying for the defense in the Oscar Pistorius trial said that an appropriate punishment for Pistorius would be 16 hours of community service, house arrest (in a mansion), and that he should be allowed to continue with his career as an athlete. Even Los Angeles juries are thinking “Are you nuts?”

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Points for honesty. Senator Mitch McConnell, who reported that he is worth $11.97 million, debated challenger Alison Grimes tonight, and argued against increasing the minimum wage.  Grimes challenged McConnell about having become rich in office but not caring about the poor.

His response “To claim that I got rich at public expense — she knows that that’s a result of an inheritance that my wife got when her mother passed away.” In other words, I inherited my money fair and square.

 

Former NY Times executive editor Jill Abramson said that Condoleezza Rice asked the paper in 2003 to kill a story on the CIA not being able to stop Iran’s nuclear program. Standby for FOX News to explain to us all how Barack Obama really made her do it.

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And Columbus Day is over, a semi-holiday for most Americans with banks and the post office and some schools closed, but most offices open. And many want to change the name.  But as Alex Kaseberg says  “Personally I think we should stay with Columbus Day. Go to your job, do half of what you were supposed to do, declare it a huge success and then get as many people sick as you can.”

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All Bucked Up

October 13, 2014

Since NLCS games 1 and 2 weres basically being called by St. Louis home town announcers can the SF Giants Mike Krukow and Duane Kuiper call game 3 for Fox Tuesday?

 

The advantage of watching ‪#‎SFGiants‬ on FOX. All game stress is mitigated by ability to scream at TV regularly due to idiocy of Joe Buck

 

(and the above two are not sour grapes, I wrote both lines when the Giants were tied or winning.)

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But okay, if anyone had told ‪#‎SFGiants‬ fans that their team would have given up four home runs on mistake pitches while hitting ZERO home runs themselves, and the team would be returning to AT&T tied 1-1, (with Yadier Molina probably out for the series), they would have been ecstatic.

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Taylor Swift quoted on the cover of People Magazine. “It would take an astonishing human being for me to even consider getting back in a relationship.” Well, either that or a bad case of writer’s block.

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As bad as day as the Jets had, this week they didn’t even look like the worst team in New York. Or rather, New Jersey.

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MSU #1 in the new coaches poll.  Ole Miss #3.  So a lot of sportswriters and copy editors are finally finding a use for that old M-I-S-S, I-S-S, I-P-P-I spelling chant from grade school.

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USC escaped with a 28-26 win Saturday night despite 13 fourth quarter points from Arizona when the Wildcats’ kicker missed his third FG of the game, a 36 yarder with 12 seconds left. Trojan coach Steve Sarkisian said “God’s got a plan, but we’re not exactly what his plan is for us yet.” And God said, “don’t blame me for all these lousy Pac12 placekickers.”

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Raiders fans egged the Chargers’ team bus as it arrived at O.co Stadium for today’s game. Fortunately, since this was Oakland, most of the eggs were intercepted.

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After last night’s NASCAR race in Charlotte, Matt Kenseth and Brad Keselowski ended up fighting in the garage. If this sort of thing starts happening near the track it could double ratings.

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Wonder how many Americans are so worried about ‪#‎Ebola‬ that they are now reading updates on their phones while driving?

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John McCain now wants a “health care czar.” And hey, the post of Surgeon General is vacant. Why? Because Dr. Vivek Murthy, President Obama’s November 2013 nomination, hasn’t been confirmed by the Senate. Murthy’s crime, upsetting the NRA by calling guns “a health care issue” in a 2012 tweet…. ‪#‎haveyounoshame‬

 

 

Happy Canadian Thanksgiving.  A day where Canadian residents with national healthcare and reasonable gun laws look at the U.S. and feel thankful they live where they do. Of course, there’s a reason this day is in October, well before Canada deals with actual winter.

 

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Going to the chapel…

October 11, 2014

Gay marriage is now legal in Nevada. Which means that gays can now get drunk in Las Vegas and make the same quickie marriage mistakes that straights do.

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#‎FOX‬ talking about how bad the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ are without Angel ‪#‎Pagan‬. Kinda makes you wonder how they got into the ‪#‎NLCS‬ doesn’t it?

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So how did anyone ever beat the ‪#‎KCRoyals‬ during the regular season? And are the ‪#‎Royals‬ ever going to lose again? ‪#‎ALCS‬

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Mike ‪#‎Moustakas‬, #9 hitter in ‪#‎kcroyals‬ lineup has 4 postseason home runs. ‪#‎SFGiants‬ ‪#‎Madbum‬ is going to take that as a challenge.

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National TV ratings for ‪#‎ALCS‬ ‪#‎NLCS‬ would be better if ESPN & FOX paid attention to 4 remaining teams during regular season. ‪#‎nottheyankees‬

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More than two dozen teenagers were arrested at opening night of the Arizona State Fair after a brawl broke out. If only they had been armed.

 

How has ‪#‎Royals‬ Lorenzo Cain not been on ESPN’s Top 10 plays and Web Gems every single night of the season?

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Bit of trivia from the Royals’ 10th inning win over the Orioles Friday night – the time of game. Four hours and 37 minutes. If Kansas City ever plays an 18 inning game like the SF Giants did the concession stands better have morning coffee ready.

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Stanford’s Red Zone offense for the football season is 679, which ranks 115th out of 125 FBS (D-1) teams. Shocking. There are 10 teams who are worse?

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FSU just notified Jameis Winston that he will face a disciplinary hearing into sexual assault charges from December 2012. Presume this hearing will take place 3-4 days after the BCS national championship game?

 

Yep, it is all Obama’s fault. This from Phyllis Schafly , “Out of all the things he’s done, I think this thing of letting these diseased people into this country to infect our own people is just the most outrageous of all. Obama doesn’t want America to believe that we’re exceptional. He wants us to be just like everybody else, and if Africa is suffering from Ebola, we ought to join the group and be suffering from it, too. ‪#‎whythereisnosatire‬

 

One reason people are so scared about Ebola is not just that it is usually fatal but also how horrible the disease’s symptoms are in its final stages. Uh, have people read about the last days of smokers who die of lung cancer?

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Truthiness in advertising.

October 9, 2014

Red Bull settled a $13 million class action lawsuit over customers being deceived by the slogan “Red Bull Gives You Wings..” Darn, and here I was thinking of going as a bird for Halloween and counting on the drink to give me feathers. –

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Katy Perry will reportedly perform during the Super Bowl halftime show. Well, for many men that’s two reasons to watch.

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49ers QB Colin Kaepernick was fined $10,000 for wearing pink Beats by Dre headphones around his neck Sunday, instead of the NFL-approved Bose.  Hey, for that amount of money he could have chop-blocked somebody.

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So Jameis Winston is probably out of the Heisman conversation, now another hopeful, Georgia’s TB Todd Gurley, who was leading the SEC in rushing, has been suspended from the team indefinitely pending an “investigation into an alleged violation of NCAA rules.” This year’s award may end up like the Tour de France – last candidate not suspended wins.

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Now Adrian Peterson’s bail may be revoked he told a drug tester that he had “smoked a little weed” before taking a urinalysis test this week. Sigh. Maybe if Peterson had been smoking MORE marijuana he might not have hit his kid as hard.

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 Amazon‬ announced they will open their first store. Response from young adults who have grown up with Amazon Prime – “what’s a store?
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Apparently the iPhone 6 has been catching and painfully plucking loose hairs when held to a user’s face. Well, that’s what people get for using the device for something radical like actually making a phone call.

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Combined ages of Hudson, Peavy & Vogelsong, the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ starting pitchers in 3 ‪#‎NLDS‬ games the Giants won, is 109. ‪#‎ageandtreachery (If the Giants can coax Jamie Moyer out of retirement, maybe they’d be favored to win the World Series.)

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From T.C.  “Their “Murder’s row of bats” are Panik, Posey, Pence, Panda,  Perez, Pray and then Pray some more.

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Okay, it’s a convoluted story, but as I understand it, in 2012. a 25 year old single male volunteer for the President’s advance team in Colombia is accused of legally bringing a prostitute to his room in 2012 and denying it later.. And the administration may have delayed the investigation. Wow. Good thing we don’t have any serious issues to worry about.

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Sigh. A new survey finds that 58% of Americans want to ban all flights to the United States from West African countries hit hardest by the Ebola outbreak – Liberia, Guinea and Sierra Leone. Uh, number of direct flights to the US from those countries? Zero. Mission accomplished.

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Another Ebola thought: Lots of folks, especially in the GOP, screaming about closing borders and all kinds of other measures to stop the spread of the disease. When we get this epidemic under control and since AIDS is still an issue, will those same people also start telling all Americans to start using condoms?

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Something stronger.

October 8, 2014

Brian Wilson will apparently be exercising his player option so LA will have to pay him $9.5 million in 2015. SF Giants fans, in the spirit of camaraderie, are offering to give Dodger fans their best cocktail recipes.

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Giants got 9 runs in 4 games. 1 home run. A lot of runs that weren’t even scored by hits. And they won the series 3 games to 1. ‪#‎SFchicksdigthesmallball‬

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All of these experts predicting the ‪#‎ALCS‬ and ‪#‎NLCS‬ winners. Because they’ve done so well so far……‪#‎Giants‬ ‪#‎Cardinals‬ ‪#‎Royals‬ ‪#‎Orioles

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No baseball Tuesday night since the ‪#‎ALDS‬ and ‪#‎NLDS‬ series are all over. And no football as it’s Wednesday. So it was time for most Americans to start ignoring hockey.

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For hockey fans, the San Jose Sharks did start defending their unofficial title of of being “The Best Regular Season Team in the NHL.”

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Okay, it worked out if you are an ‪#‎SFGiants‬ fan. But Matt Williams is being lambasted for putting rookie Aaron Barrett into the game late last night with veteran pitchers in the bullpen. But Bruce Bochy put September call-up Hunter Strickland into the game late too. And Strickland did get through an inning, albeit with a home run bomb to Bryce Harper. ‪#‎geniusifitworksidiocyifitdoesnt‬ ‪#‎NLDS‬

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So what’s the difference between the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim and the Los Angeles Dodgers? About 48 hours.

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The FTC just announced that AT&T will pay $105 million in fines for placing unauthorized charges for third-party services on customers’ cell phone bills. So now wonder what surcharge the phone company will add to cover the fines

 

Roger Goodell, talking to owners and defending the NFL’s player conduct policy. “I believe the vast majority of our players are great people.” Right, because in the US we’ve never needed criminal laws because the vast majority of Americans are law-abiding people.

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An American Airlines plane made an emergency landing in Midland, TX last night because a passenger was vomiting and there were Ebola fears. Despite the fact she had come from TURKEY, not Africa (She has already been released from the hospital). Here we go again…. Let’s hope no one gets the bright idea to put TSA in charge of taking temperatures and asking medical questions:

 

 

Open note to ANYONE who is anti-vaccine. Please just STFU about Ebola

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Issue oriented.

October 7, 2014

The NFL now has a sponsorship deal with Bose which will ban players from wearing “Beats by Dre” headphones during interviews and games. Violators will be fined. Good to know Roger Goodell and the league are taking on the tough issues.

 

Michael Phelps was suspended from USA swimming events for six months following his DUI. Many Americans were shocked. In non-Olympic years there are swimming events?

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The conservative leaning Supreme Court Monday decided to reject requests from five states to immediately review their gay marriage bans. Maybe because now even GOP candidates told them it was a losing issue?

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Michigan State’s AD is upset with the 13,000 students who bought season tickets but mostly left early when the Spartans had a 27-3 lead in a cold wet fourth quarter against Nebraska. He said changes will be made. Right. Like selling the same tickets for a lot more money to alums who will also leave early in such conditions.

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The Jaguars apologized for their mascot mocking the Steelers’ “Terrible Towels” during yesterday’s game with a sign that said “Towels carry Ebola.” Of course the Steelers could have responded that Jacksonville was safe because the team couldn’t catch anything.

 

A nurse in Spain has contracted Ebola from two patients who returned from Africa. So will Rick Perry demand now that the U.S. stop all airline flights from Europe?

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Madison Bumgarner inexplicably tried to a bunt to third with runners on first and second Monday, and when the throw went wide two runs scored.  Although later catcher and former high school valedictorian Buster Posey said he told him to do it.  #smartmenfoolishchoices

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Monday was a painful day for ‪#‎SFGiants‬ fans. Although nice now to watch   ‪#‎BrianWilson‬ and think “no longer our circus, not our monkey.” ‪#‎Dodgers‬

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If misery loves company ‪#‎SFGiants‬ and ‪#‎Dodgers‬ are having a bromance over their 7th innings today. ‪#‎NLDS‬

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According to the SF Chronicle, the principal of a private Marin County high school was arrested last weekend “after he was found in a Sacramento County motel room with large quantities of drugs and a passed-out woman roughly 30 years younger than him” Wonder how long it will take for the made-for-TV movie.

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So I know about the Rolaids reliever award. Are the Dodgers trying to challenge the Tigers for the Arson Squad award? ‪#‎bullpenwhatbullpen‬?

 

Two men were arrested and charged with felony assault after a fight in the men’s bathroom at Levi’s Stadium before the 49ers game Sunday. Allegedly over ‘impatience for an open stall’ . Sounds like the worries over the new stadium just being filled with chardonnay swilling techies might be unfounded.

 

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So anyone who was surprised that Buck Showalter intentionally walked the potential winning run on base in the bottom of the 9th Sunday in Detroit clearly doesn’t remember 1998, when Buck intentionally walked Barry Bonds. With the bases loaded. (He won that game too.)

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Let’s play two.

October 5, 2014

18 innings. Wonder how this SFGiants Washington Nationals game would have had to go until we got to penalty kicks?

 

 

After Belt’s home run in the 18th, figured the game had gone on so long FOX announcers might actually say nice things about San Francisco Giants in hopes of just getting to go home. ‪#‎SFvsWAS‬

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The game did only end at midnight thought, and lots of ‪#‎Nationals‬ fans had already left.  Where do they think they were? Chavez Ravine? ‪#‎SFGiants‬

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Until tonight ‪#‎SFGiants‬ pitcher Yusmeiro Petit managed to almost throw a perfect game against the Mets (8 2/3 innings), and broke the MLB record of 46 straight batters retired. But no one nationally had heard of him. Until tonight.

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Nice ‪#‎Friendsarewaiting‬ Budweiser commercial about the guy who stays with friends instead of driving home drunk. But it doesn’t show the dog pee somewhere all over the floor….

 

Despite a tough loss for the Cardinal, it was 40 degrees and rainy in South Bend, and 90 degrees and sunny in Palo Alto ‪#‎Stanford‬ ‪#‎NotreDame‬

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Bobby Jindal said yesterday that President Obama should stop all air traffic from countries with Ebola. So what are the Louisiana Governor’s plans for closing his state’s border with Texas?

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Two passengers who were vomiting on the plane caused an entire United flight from Brussels to Newark to be quarantined for several hours on arrival. If vomit is enough to spark Ebola fears these days, there are going to be a lot of delays for folks flying home from Las Vegas.

 

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Lindsay Graham now says he “may just jump in” to the 2016 Presidential race. And Hillary Clinton is thinking this is almost as good news as having a grandchild.

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So Derek Jeter is having a big party on Long Island this weekend, which is “trending” because of reports that it’s a secret wedding. Sigh. Well, to be fair, Jeter has been out of the headlines for almost a whole week.

 

 

The SF Giants and Washington Nationals played two games and scored only three runs. But now Cal and WSU are playing an arena football game.

 

 

#‎Stanford‬ can’t score, ‪#‎Cal‬ can’t play defense. This year’s “Big Game” will be subtitled “Something’s gotta give.”

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Cal wins 60-59 on a missed field goal despite giving up over 800 yards.    So was the strategy to wear out Washington State’s kicker with all those PATs?

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So who figured the center of the college football world would now be Mississippi?

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From Bill Littlejohn.  The U.S. Postal Service is set to unveil new Wilt Chamberlain commemorative stamps—-there are slated to be special notches on the first 20,000 of them”

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It’s not over….

October 1, 2014

At least three more games for the SF Giants in 2014. And this picture from 1992. When we thought the SF Giants might start the 1993 season in Tampa.

 

The little boy, for the uninitiated, is Brandon Crawford.

 

brandon

 

Brandon Crawford’s sister is actually dating another MLB player.  A member of the Pittsburgh Pirates. #Thanksgiving  #awkward

 

Liked baseball as a left-handed little kid, fell in love with baseball in the 1968 World Series. Mickey Lolich, 3 complete games. Tonight Madison Bumgarner channeled Lolich. But skinnier. And a better hitter.. ‪#‎leftiesrule‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬

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ESPN reported that Brandon Crawford’s grand slam was the first ever by a shortstop in the postseason. And speaking of shortstops, will this be the cue for another Derek Jeter retrospective?

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Donald Trump is on another Ebola rampage with the first case in the U.S., tweeting “how dumb was our President to send thousands of poorly trained and ill-equipped soldiers over to West Africa to fight Ebola. Stop all flights.”And saying we must “immediately institute strong travel restrictions or Ebola will be all over the United States-a plague like no other.”

 

Alas, Ebola is far less dangerous for Americans than Donald Trump.

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Have to wonder, how many Americans who are freaking out over ‪#‎Ebola‬ are also anti-vaccine.

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So the man infected with Ebola told an emergency room nurse days before he became REALLY sick, that he’d been in Liberia. And it didn’t set off any alarms. Once again, proving all the precautions in the world ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬.

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So if we really want to contain ‪#‎Ebola‬ can we just quarantine the state of ‪#‎Texas‬? ‪#‎twobirdsonestone‬

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In the Arizona Fall League. baseball will test eliminating actual pitches during intentional walks, with the idea of maybe trying it in the majors. And the ‪#‎SFGIants‬ Pablo Sandoval is thinking, hey, those are hittable pitches.

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Michael Phelps was clocked at 85 MPH when he was arrested. Here’s one way to fix some of these driving issues for athletes: Make the only car they are allowed to drive be a Prius. Those things can’t get up to 85 MPH.

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Tom Brady just said of his team “We don’t have the kind of offense that’s going to perform at a high level.” And Patriots fans are thinking “What was your first clue?”

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Wow. A jury found Michael Dunn guilty of first-degree murder today for the “loud music” 2012 shooting death of 17-year-old Jordan Davis. Not often I type these words, but “Nicely done, Florida.”

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From T.C. “North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has been hospitalized with two broken ankles, apparently from wearing heels and being overweight. When his ankle extension surgery is completed, he will be the same height as his buddy Dennis Rodman.”

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