Posted tagged ‘Michael Phelps jokes’

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Issue oriented.

October 7, 2014

The NFL now has a sponsorship deal with Bose which will ban players from wearing “Beats by Dre” headphones during interviews and games. Violators will be fined. Good to know Roger Goodell and the league are taking on the tough issues.

 

Michael Phelps was suspended from USA swimming events for six months following his DUI. Many Americans were shocked. In non-Olympic years there are swimming events?

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The conservative leaning Supreme Court Monday decided to reject requests from five states to immediately review their gay marriage bans. Maybe because now even GOP candidates told them it was a losing issue?

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Michigan State’s AD is upset with the 13,000 students who bought season tickets but mostly left early when the Spartans had a 27-3 lead in a cold wet fourth quarter against Nebraska. He said changes will be made. Right. Like selling the same tickets for a lot more money to alums who will also leave early in such conditions.

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The Jaguars apologized for their mascot mocking the Steelers’ “Terrible Towels” during yesterday’s game with a sign that said “Towels carry Ebola.” Of course the Steelers could have responded that Jacksonville was safe because the team couldn’t catch anything.

 

A nurse in Spain has contracted Ebola from two patients who returned from Africa. So will Rick Perry demand now that the U.S. stop all airline flights from Europe?

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Madison Bumgarner inexplicably tried to a bunt to third with runners on first and second Monday, and when the throw went wide two runs scored.  Although later catcher and former high school valedictorian Buster Posey said he told him to do it.  #smartmenfoolishchoices

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Monday was a painful day for ‪#‎SFGiants‬ fans. Although nice now to watch   ‪#‎BrianWilson‬ and think “no longer our circus, not our monkey.” ‪#‎Dodgers‬

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If misery loves company ‪#‎SFGiants‬ and ‪#‎Dodgers‬ are having a bromance over their 7th innings today. ‪#‎NLDS‬

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According to the SF Chronicle, the principal of a private Marin County high school was arrested last weekend “after he was found in a Sacramento County motel room with large quantities of drugs and a passed-out woman roughly 30 years younger than him” Wonder how long it will take for the made-for-TV movie.

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So I know about the Rolaids reliever award. Are the Dodgers trying to challenge the Tigers for the Arson Squad award? ‪#‎bullpenwhatbullpen‬?

 

Two men were arrested and charged with felony assault after a fight in the men’s bathroom at Levi’s Stadium before the 49ers game Sunday. Allegedly over ‘impatience for an open stall’ . Sounds like the worries over the new stadium just being filled with chardonnay swilling techies might be unfounded.

 

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So anyone who was surprised that Buck Showalter intentionally walked the potential winning run on base in the bottom of the 9th Sunday in Detroit clearly doesn’t remember 1998, when Buck intentionally walked Barry Bonds. With the bases loaded. (He won that game too.)

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In case Sarah Palin’s people are reading this blog….

June 16, 2009

I am happy to apologize for the next joke. Hey, it should boost my ratings.

David Letterman has apologized for the “bad joke” he made about Sarah Palin’s daughter. Wonder how long it will take John McCain to apologize for the bad joke he made in putting Governor Palin a potential heartbeat away from the presidency?

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And while Letterman apologized to Palin for the “knocked-up” joke, how about another apology to all those people out there who are struggling with apparent infertility – like Manny Ramirez?

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The 16-45  Nationals are reportedly planning to fire their manager Manny Acta.  Yep, with a record that bad in Washington you really can’t expect to keep your job. Unless you get re-elected.

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Credit for finding this tidbit goes to  Zev Karlin-Neumann.  It’s so good to know that when the country is facing crises on all fronts, that our top legislative body is focused on the important things.

Maine Republican Senator Olympia Snowe used her time on the Senate floor  “to commend Barkwheats Dog Biscuits,” which are made with “ginger and parsley” to get rid of “doggy breath.” 

No word on if conservative Republicans threatened to filibuster the commendation.

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The city of Los Angeles is trying to raise $900.000 to throw a victory parade for the Lakers after they won the NBA championship.  Well, that’s one budget expense they won’t have to worry about anytime soon in New York.

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Michael Phelps has a new book out titled “How to Train with a T. Rex and Win 8 Gold Medals.”  A somewhat nonsensical title.  Wonder if the sequel will be “How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bong??”

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Natural talent…

May 16, 2009

A resolution presented to the Vista, California school board to declare June 1 Carrie Prejean day failed this week.

The resolution stated  that Prejean is an example “of what great things can be accomplished with natural talent, hard work and dedication.” Considering that pageant-paid “boob job,  honoring Prejean for her  natural talent is like honoring Joe Biden for his natural hair.

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Wonder who drafted that resolution, maybe the same guy who drafted the Dodgers’ resolution to honor Manny for HIS natural talent.

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Whoever said numbers don’t lie apparently wasn’t a fan of beauty pageants or baseball.

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GM said they will close over 1000 dealerships.  Which means that next year those dealerships will sell about as many cars as they are selling now.

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While it’s anyone’s guess who will be the next Governor of California, it’s pretty sure who won’t be getting the endorsement from Northern California’s largest newspaper.

San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom apparently said to a reporter from The Economist  if the SF Chronicle were to fold, “people under 30 wouldn’t even notice.”  Although my money’s on the Chronicle to survive longer than Gavin’s gubernatorial bid.

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Michael Phelps’ mom Debbie  is apparently unhappy about “those cheap girls” – cocktail waitresses, strippers, etc, that her son is dating.

But hey, now that he’s already the new Mark Spitz, maybe Michael has set his sights on being the next Bill Clinton.

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With Obama in Washington…

February 19, 2009

The only thing harder to find in Illinois than a Cubs World Series ring, might be an honest politician.

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At this point, Roland Burris could be the first U.S. Senator to end up with an asterisk.

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Michael Phelps is having the windows of his home in Baltimore tinted, apparently to keep the parparazzi from peeking in. Not only that, but it will also help with his dilated pupils.

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The latest politician to be caught owing back taxes? Sarah Palin, who will be paying taxes on thousands of dollars she received in per diems. I didn’t even realize she was trying for a job in the Obama administration. –

Ken Griffey, Jr, is returning to the Seattle Mariners. So he can finish out his career in the city where he first went on the disabled list.
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In hopes of getting more stimulus money, many states are sending YouTube videos of disasters to Washington. California is apparently sending videos of the Kings and the Clippers.

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Meg Whitman, former CEO of Ebay, is running for governor of California. This despite the fact that in many recent elections she didn’t even vote. This is like trying to be an Ebay powerseller without having any feedback.

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What’s in a name?

February 7, 2009

Sarah Palin claims she named her daughter Bristol, because she had once wanted to work for ESPN in Bristol, Connecticut.

Good thing ESPN headquarters isn’t in Intercourse, Pennsylvania.

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Given the way Sarah Palin’s career has turned out, wonder if she had twins, would they be named “Fair” and “Balanced?”

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Kellogg’s dropped Michael Phelps as a spokesman after he was photographed using a bong. So let me get this straight, a guy was fired for using marijuana by the maker of Pop-Tarts?
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The mother of those octuplets says she she expects to be able to support all her kids once she gets her master’s degree and becomes a mental health counselor. Yeah, right, nothing says mental health to think it’s normal to have 14 kids.

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Three of the biggest stories of the past year have been Larry Craig, Rod Blagojevich, and now this new mother. These folks may not do much for the theory of evolution, but they aren’t helping the theory of intelligent design either.

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And a non-steroids fueled rant: Okay, so the point supposedly of the feds still going after Barry Bonds, even though he’s not currently playing, is that they want to send a message that you can’t profit from steroids.

So let’s see. Baseball attendance was in the tank after the 1994 strike, until home run totals started taking off. (Remember “Chicks dig the long ball?”) Some say the McGwire-Sosa home run chase saved the sport. All of this overseen by Bud Selig. Who claims he didn’t even hear discussions about performance enchancing drugs until 1998 or 1999. And who just got a raise of $17.5 million a year.

Yeah, we sure don’t want to give anyone the impression they could profit from steroids.

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As the Yankees turn…

February 5, 2009

Derek Jeter defended his former manager and said, despite the book controversy that Joe Torre would never intentionally be cruel or try to hurt anybody. That remains George Steinbrenner’s job.

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What’s all the big fuss about Phelps and the bong? Not exactly like marijuana would have helped him swim faster. Now if Takeru Kobayashi and Joey Chestnut were seen using one before the hot dog eating championship…

(note, Chestnut is the current champion, Kobayashi is a six time champion.)

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This just in, all cellphones and cameras will now be confiscated at the door for any parties involving Jamaica’s track team.

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And yet another Olympic scandal to tarnish a sport’s reputation. At a recent party a member of the U.S. snowboarding team was seen NOT smoking marijuana.

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In Pittsburgh, city officials have adjusted their original estimates of 300,000 in the streets for the Steelers’ Super Bowl victory parade. Apparently about half of that number was just in line at the unemployment office.

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Prosecutors now say that they believe Barry Bonds was taking a female fertility drug to mask his steroid use. In Bonds’ defense his lawyers say actually he was fascinated by the idea of octuplets.

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And since it’s been a while since any Hillary jokes…

Hillary Clinton spent some of her first week as Secretary of State calling world leaders and said they all had a “appreciation” for the new Obama foreign policy. They also asked her, next time can you please not call at 3am?

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Hillary Clinton said in a town meeting with State Department staff that sometimes she completely forgot she ran for president; “it was like a blur it went by so fast.” And of course, she was distracted by sniper fire at the time.

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The most watched Super Bowl?

February 3, 2009

Despite a less than marquee matchup between the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Arizona Cardinals, this year’s Super Bowl was the second-most watched ever. Well, yeah, at this point most Americans couldn’t afford to go out and do anything else.

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Although spring training starts in a few weeks, Manny Ramirez still has not decided where he will go for the 2009 season. Even Brett Favre is saying “Dude, make up your mind.”

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Actually Manny Ramirez is looking for at least a four year contract. Presumably so in two years he can complain and say he wants out of it.

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Though speaking of Brett Favre, New York Jets general manager Mike Tannebaum said he told Favre he can take “months if necessary” to decide if he will return for the 2009 season. Isn’t telling Brett Favre to take his time like telling Joe Biden “speak as long as you’d like?”

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After that newspaper photo appeared of him smoking pot in an English newspaper, Michael Phelps said his behavior was “regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment.” Of course, mostly what he regrets is being too stoned to remember that these days most people have cellphone cameras.

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Proof that not all my jokes are anti Republican.

Now we know why Democrats vote against cutting taxes. They don’t plan to pay them anyway.

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But on the other hand:

In Pittsburgh, thanks to the Steelers, schoolchildren were given two hours off from school Monday morning after the Super Bowl. Former President George W. Bush heard about this and said that he thought it would be a nice gesture for the University of Phoenix to give their students the morning off too.

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An Arizona station apologized to its viewers over their accidentally showing 30 seconds of pornography during the Super Bowl. Apparently the station received numerous complaints, mostly from men who wondered why they went back to the game so soon.

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Pre Super Bowl jokes..

February 1, 2009

Michael Phelps was recently photographed smoking marijuana. But give the guy a break, the man won everything in sight in the Summer Olympics. Maybe he’s in training in hopes of making the Winter Olympics on U.S. snowboard team.

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Either that or he’s considering a future career in the NBA
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Michael Phelps may lose some endorsement contracts after being photographed with a bong. On the other hand, he’s already fielding new offers from Krispy Kreme, 7-11 and Doritos.

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Two U.S. congressmen want Citigroup to drop their previously agreed upon $400 million contract for naming rights at “Citi Field”, the new home of the New York Mets. They feel it is inappropriate after Citigroup received $45 billion in bailout money.

But on the other hand, nothing says “failed bailout” like the Mets bullpen.

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T.S. Eliot said “April is the cruelest month. But for many American sports fans, February is worse. The Super Bowl is over, March Madness is still a distant fantasy and spring training doesn’t really get into gear until late in the month.

And for most Americans there is a sports quandry – do they ignore the NHL or the NBA?

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The movie “Taken” was the big winner at the box office this weekend. Guess most Americans were curious to see how they got a movie made so quickly about the bank bailout.

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Stanford’s womens basketball team won their first game ever on Super Bowl Sunday. (Previously they were 0-3) So whatever else happens this season, at least they will avoid the title “The Minnesota Vikings of womens basketball.”

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