Posted tagged ‘Obama jokes’

Happy Birthday, Mr President.

August 4, 2016

All of these emails today urging me to sign President Obama’s birthday card. Now saying “last chance” or “urgent.” Somehow I think he’ll get over not seeing my name.

 

#‎SFGiants‬ got a runner on 3rd home with less than two out on a sacrifice fly today. Hope this isn’t a sign of apocalypse.

 

And with his 10th inning game winning home run, can Giants call Denard’s hit a “Span over troubled water?”

Paul Ryan says that Donald Trump has had a “strange” run since the Republican National Convention. In other news the speaker has announced that water is wet.

Approval ratings for President Obama at 54%, highest of  his 2nd term. As most Americans realize how much they will miss him.

It’s looking like this will be Alex Rodriguez’s last year. Wonder if other teams will start gifting A-Rod commemorative cushions for while he sits on the bench.

Framingham State University in Massachusetts has canceled future Cinco de Mayo events after a student complained about the decorations and burrito bar “‘I feel as though whenever an event like this is taking place we go straight to stereotypes and it is EXTREMELY offensive!’
What’s next? Waiting for someone to complain that the 4th of July is offensive to those of British heritage.

 

Apparently a convoy of tourists in Afghanistan was attacked by the Taliban and at least six were injured. Shocking. There are tourists now in Afghanistan?

An 11 year old boy in North Carolina asked Mike Pence  “I’ve been watching the news lately and I’ve been noticing lately that you’ve been kind of softening up on Mr. Trump’s policies and words. Is this going to be your role in the administration?”
This kid has more cojones than most journalists, can one of the networks sign him up?

The man accused of killing nine African-Americans in a Charleston church was apparently attacked and beaten today by a fellow inmate in jail today. “I feel so sorry for him” said no one.

 

If someone had written a novel about @realDonaldTrump’s Presidential campaign it would have been rejected by editors as too unbelievable.

 

#‎RussellWestbrook‬ reportedly deleted ‪#‎KevinDurant‬‘s farewell text to him. So “You had me at good bye?”

A young man with “mental health issues” in London is apparently responsible for fatally stabbing one woman and injuring several other people. Can only imagine had he been in the US with access to guns.

 –
Sad, a knife attack in London has left 1 dead and several injured. A 19 year-old man is in custody. While terrorism remains a possibility,” the police say “mental health was a significant factor.”
“Mental health?” No race or religion to blame? Well, carry on then…

 

 

From Gerry. W., a fee that could make airlines millions,  and that many travelers would actually  applaud:   http://www.cbc.ca/beta/comedy/funnystuff/air-canada-to-start-charging-for-emotional-baggage-in-2017-1.3631162

Gonna miss you.

July 27, 2016

Another Obama speech that is so good Donald Trump may follow Melania in copying it.

“Democracy isn’t a spectator sport.” I love this president. @BarackObama

That moment not when candidate you worked for gets elected, but when after 8 years Americans wish he could stay longer ‪#‎Potus‬ ‪#‎BarackObama

So how quickly can we repeal that 22nd amendment?

In reality TV terms, ‪#‎PresidentObama‬ is making a very strong case for @realDonaldTrump not to get a rose.

‪#‎BarackObama‬ reminds us we don’t need to wait for gold medals to be proud of our country. ‪#‎USAUSAUSA‬

Bumper sticker line of the night from ‪#‎PresidentObama‬ “Don’t boo, vote.”

 

Michael Bloomberg “I’m from New York, I know a con when I see one.” And @realDonaldTrump responds, yeah, but which shell is the ball under?

“We don’t look to be ruled.” Yeah, actually wasn’t that the point in the first place? ‪#‎USAUSAUSA‬ ‪#‎PresidentObama‬ ‪#‎DemConvention‬

 

Note to Donald Trump, if Americans really wanted to be ruled again we’d invite William & Kate & those adorable kids over to do it.

#‎MichaelBloomberg‬ wins for this year’s best display of billionaire on billionaire violence.

#‎Bloomberg‬ “This is not reality television, this is reality.” Waiting for the ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬ rebuttal

#‎TimKaine‬, “Semper fi” And ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬ is ready to attack him for not speaking English. ‪#‎DemConvention‬

#‎TimKaine‬ may not be exciting but nice job of explaining how @realDonaldTrump ‘s “Believe me” is his way of telling Americans to go f*ck themselve

 

Trump supporters saying Americans don’t care about details like his tax returns. But they do care about Hillary’s email server?

Watching ‪#‎GabbyGiffords‬. Impressive. What a president she might have made. ‪#‎DemConvention‬

‪#‎HillaryClinton‬ has many regular people attest to how nice she is. And ‪#‎Trump‬ had his kids say how nice he is to regular people.

Anthony Weiner said he would come out of retirement if Donald Trump Jr. ran for mayor, and “beat him like a rented mule.” Well, so much for the PETA vote.

So what an interesting trailer for a satirical movie, a presidential candidate of a major party asking another country to meddle in the US election. Oh wait. That was real. Never mind.

 

Just imagine the reaction if ‪#‎HillaryClinton‬ or ‪#‎BarackObama‬ even joked that ‪#‎Russia‬ should hack ‪#‎RNC‬ emails for a change

Bill O’Reilly said of the slaves who built the White House, they were “well-fed and had decent lodging.” Unlike many of the people that have labored on many of Trump’s buildings

So I’m not loving this Donald Trump starring role in Vladimir Putin’s remake of the Manchurian Candidate. ‪#‎Russia‬ ‪#‎Emails‬

 

#‎JohnHinckley‬ being released. Just think, if Jodie Foster could have come out of closet sooner Reagan and Brady would not have been shot.

#‎SFGiants‬ having slumber party on the field for fans tonight. Hitters did not get the message it wasn’t for them too.

Wonder how much most ‪#‎MLB‬ teams would give up to get players at trade deadlines like ‪#‎HunterPence‬, ‪#‎MattDuffy‬ & ‪#‎JoePanik‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬ ‪#‎DL‬

Derby eve.

May 6, 2016

Happy Kentucky Derby Eve, or Derby Day, depending when you read this: The Kentucky Derby is 142 years old. But it might be the perfect sporting event for our time – to give it their full attention, the race only requires people to put down their phones for 2 minutes.

 

The Kardashians flew down to Cuba to film an episode of their reality show. If Raoul Castro really wants to improve relations with the U.S. maybe Cuba can keep them?

 

Tim Lincecum pitched off the mound today. Timmy has 2 important qualities ‪#‎SFGiants‬ are now looking for in a 4th or 5th starter – Alive & Breathing

In St. Cloud, Florida, a 25 year-old man allegedly fatally shot his brother in an argument over a cheeseburger.  Will he say he was just standing his ground beef?

Jeb Bush has joined Lindsay Graham in saying he will not vote for Donald Trump nor Hillary Clinton. Well, this should make a difference to both of Jeb’s former supporters.

A Reuters/Ipsos poll says ” Nearly half” of U.S voters plan to vote for Clinton or Trump in November mainly to keep the other side from winning. Only half?

Email today asking if I have “Decided not to thank President Obama for fighting Citizens United?” because I haven’t signed some card yet. Why do I think that if I ignore the email President Obama will get over it?

The LA Angels of Anaheim, below .500 and already struggling with injuries, have lost starter Garrett Richards for the season. Looking like only thing that could really save their season – moving to the NL West.

Golfer Zac Blair was disqualified from the Wells Fargo Championship for using a bent putter. The putter had got bent when he hit himself in the head with it after missing an earlier putt. And apparently you can replace clubs but not when damage is done in anger. ‪#‎andwethoughtthebalkrulewasweird‬

GOP chairman Reince Priebus on Donald Trump’s Cinco de Mayo tweet. “He’s trying.” Yes, very.

Sen. Lindsey Graham said today he will not vote for either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton in the 2016 presidential election. But he expects to be re-elected as someone who can make tough decisions facing our country?

 

London has elected Sadiq Khan as their first Muslim mayor. ‪#‎IblameObama‬

 

Dick Cheney says he will support Trump’s candidacy. Makes sense, maybe Cheney hopes the Donald will choose him as a running mate and let the former VP run the country again

And  happy birthday to Willie Mays, still the Say Hey Kid at 85.   (This picture taken at spring training when Willie was still a young 84.)

willie

Not the Grey Cup either…

May 1, 2016

Toronto Raptors’ Kyle Lowry on today’s game 7. “This is like our Super Bowl, win or go home.” Uh, so maybe Lowry isn’t a big NFL fan, but has someone told him after the Super Bowl both teams go home?

 

The New York Yankees, at 8-15, are in the cellar of the AL East. No punchline, I just like writing it.

So wait a minute, there are no Canadian teams in the NHL playoffs but one in the NBA playoffs? Hope this isn’t a sign of the apocalypse.

The White House has put forward proposals to make it easier for federal, state and local agencies to buy “smart guns” that only operate for certain users. The NRA is of course against it, saying the concept is “unproven” and “causes us great concern”. Because of course nothing ever goes wrong now with stolen law enforcement guns. ‪#‎sarcasm‬

Some are already grading this year’s NFL draft picks by team. Yep, the same experts who had this year’s Super Bowl between the Seahawks or Packers, and the Colts or the Patriots.

Congrats to ‪#‎MaliaObama‬ who will be attending ‪#‎Harvard‬. Wonder if that means she didn’t get into ‪#‎Stanford‬?

Donald Trump, going after Hillary last week called her “one of the all time great enablers.” Of course, Trump’s wives are never enablers, he just trades them in for younger models first.

Justin Bieber posted a picture of himself petting a tiger while the big cat was on a leash. Ok, be honest, how many other people were hoping for an equipment malfunction?

Another thought about this bathroom insanity. Something like 90% of children who are sexually abused, are abused by someone they know. So where are the fear mongers about friends and relatives taking children into bathrooms?

 

Talking with friends yesterday after the Correspondents dinner, mentioned that I once wrote a joke that made then Senator Obama laugh.   They suggested  I post it.

In 2007  was able to meet him briefly on a rope line.
Said, “Senator, people say you’re the rock star of the Democratic party, but you’re too young to be president. But I’m looking at these concert tours for the Who, Paul McCartney and the Rolling Stones. And thinking you’re plenty old enough to be President. But you are not old enough to be a rock star.”

(he not only laughed he said I might be right, and he had all their records.)

Tenth time is the charm?

February 25, 2016

New Cleveland coach Hue Jackson says the Browns are “going to take a stand’ with Johnny Manziel. Right. Of course their previous stands have worked about as well as Custer’s last one.

President Obama has nominated Carla Hayden as the Librarian of Congress. The GOP would announce plans for an immediate filibuster once they get over the shock of finding Congress HAS a library.

Kanye West is now threatening to boycott next years Grammy Awards. All together now – “Promise???!!!”

Donald Trump, “I love the poorly educated.” Or as he also refers to them “My base.”

Marco Rubio today ” You don’t win the nomination by how many states you win.” Clearly another Republican who thinks math is one of those commie pinko liberal concepts.

Marco Rubio keeps declaring victory with these second place finishes. In related news, the Minnesota Vikings are going to put up Super Bowl banners.

 

Responding to social media rumors of a setback in his recovery, Tiger Woods says he is “progressing nicely.” Isn’t that what Jeb Bush said last week about his campaign?

Rumors have it that Obama is considering Nevada’s GOP governor Brian Sandoval to succeed Antonin Scalia on the Supreme Court. If true, a reminder that whatever you think of this President, you don’t want to play chess with him.

Got to love the fact that the man leading for the Presidential “family values” party has had numerous affairs and three wives. ‪#‎Trump‬

Two British members of parliament have sent a letter to the NFL as they are upset about the Redskins name, and saying it directly contravenes the values that many in Britain have worked so hard to instill.” They ask “at a minimum, send a different team to our country to represent the sport, one that does not promote a racial slur.”
So are the MPs really taking a high road here? Or do they want the NFL not to send over another sucky football team?

It took “about $100,000” in legal fees, but Bristol Palin’s first baby daddy Levi Johnston finally won shared custody of their son Tripp. Because of course all children are better off with a mommy and daddy unless you don’t want to see the guy again. ‪#‎familyvaluesmyass‬

As of today British Airways will no longer accept bookings for unaccompanied minors, children under 12. Guess they got tired of dealing with badly behaved kids. Now if they can just figure out a way not to allow bookings for badly behaved adults

-.

Really, Facebook? With all the complications in the world these days you have to change the “like” buttons without warning? Life is so confusing.

Wow. The latest out of the University of Tennessee is that football coach Butch Jones told WR Drae Bowles, who later transferred, that he was a “traitor” who “betrayed the team” for helping a woman who said she had been sexually assaulted by teammates.
‪#‎MamadontletyourbabiesgrowuptobeVolunteers‬

And for those who commented on me doing this every day. Blame Scott Ostler.  A SF Chronicle columnist and friend, he kept encouraging me to do this.  And when I said I couldn’t come up with jokes every day, he said, “nah, you’re funny, just give yourself a deadline and you’ll come up with stuff.”  I curse him under my breath regularly. But he was right about the self-imposed deadlines. And on good days, some of the “stuff ” is actually funny.🙂

 

Cross at the border?

July 22, 2015

Donald Trump is visiting Laredo to tour the Texas-Mexico border. Though no doubt he won’t cross it. – because it would be embarrassing if the Mexican government deported him as being undesirable.

 

A Boston writer today wrote that the Red Sox needed to “cleanse themselves” of Sandoval and Ramirez.  Am sure SF Giants fans really feel sorry for Boston. Like you feel sorry when the ex who left you for someone else and slams you on the way has their next relationship fall apart….

 

NBA commissioner Adam Silver says “No doubt” that some day he can see a woman as NBA head coach. Although have to wonder, would a woman be dumb enough to take on say, the Knicks?

Silver also says that the league may change rules to allow only the top 8 teams in each conference to make the playoffs. In other words, postseason teams in the East can still suck.

Detroit manager Brad Ausmus says he is not giving up on the season as the Tigers are only 4 games out of the Wild Card. With a 46-47 record. Hmm, where does he think he is, the NBA?

Shaquille O’Neal said the all-time Lakers team would beat the all-time Bulls team by 50. And the all-time Spurs team would probably jell togther better and kick both teams’ butts.

So some rumors about Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert’s divorce say he cheated, some say she cheated. We can settle this real quickly if one of them turns out to have an Ashley Madison account.

 –
A source told People Magazine that the Duggars are “heartbroken” over the cancellation of their TLC Show, and that they want to return to TV. Alas, it’s been several years since they cancelled ‘To Catch a Predator.”
President Obama Tuesday night on the Daily Show said he was issuing an executive order saying that Jon Stewart cannot leave the show. Guess Obama thinks he hasn’t done enough to infuriate the 2016 GOP presidential candidates?
So Obama waited until Tuesday to lower flags to half staff for the Marines shot and killed in Tennessee. I would feel a lot less cynical about those criticizing the President if they weren’t also mostly the same people who want to send MANY more young men and women overseas to risk being shot and killed in foreign wars..

Ted Cruz just convened a Senate hearing to investigate “abuses” by the Supreme court.. Saying recent decisions including on same-sex marriage are the “very definition of tyranny.”

The dictionary definition of “tyranny” includes words like unjust, oppressive and especially “cruel.” So who exactly suffers personally when gays get marriage?

DeAndre Jordan, on his convoluted return to the Clippers – “When free agency started, this whole fiasco was not my intent.” Sounds like DeAndre’s intentions were as on target as his free throw shooting.
Apparently a fire broke out today on the 4,000 passenger Freedom of the Seas cruise ship in Jamaica today, but it was quickly put out by the ship’s fire suppression system. Royal Caribbean says no passengers were injured, but one crew member suffered a first degree burn. Stand by for around the clock updates from CNN.

Keep your friends closer?

July 17, 2015

On Thursday, Obama became the first sitting president to visit a federal prison, a medium-security facility in Oklahoma. Probably a better idea than one in Illinois, where the President would have been too likely to run into former political colleagues.

 

Senator John McCain said of Donald Trump’s anti-immigration rally in Arizona – he “fired up the crazies.” Well, and if anyone knows crazy, it’s the man who wanted to give us Vice President Sarah Palin.

Donald Trump’s polling numbers are so good that the GOP may start to take him seriously. In fact, in hopes of giving him some idea of what it actually might like to be President many Republicans want to send Trump on a weekend hunting trip with Dick Cheney.

 

 

Florida State says they will require student-athletes to be required to take a course in social responsibilities, one that “would give them some additional background in consequences of actions.” And I’m sure Seminoles’ football players will give the course the same high standard of attention they give to all their classes.

Dodgers Nationals  were in a game delay due to a bank of lights going out at Nationals Park. Maybe teams should call Congress – they have plenty of experience working in the dark.

 

And then the Dodgers Nationals game was suspended in the sixth inning tonight after a third power outage. And Mets fans are thinking, haven’t we been in a power outage since the April?

For ‪#‎TBT‬, Kim Kardashian decided to repost a 2010 magazine picture of herself nude in a pool of silver paint. It’s going to be so much fun when North West his puberty. ‪#‎youregoingoutlookinglikethat‬? ‪#‎karmaisameanbitch

 

 

J.J. Watt, in an interview cautioning high school athletes, “Read each tweet about 95 times before sending it Look at every Instagram post about 95 times before you send it. A reputation takes years and years and years to build, and it takes one press of a button to ruin. So don’t let that happen to you. Just be very smart about it.”

All good advice, assuming these athletes can count to 95.

Australian tennis player Bernard Tomic, 22, was arrested at the W Hotel in Miami Beach, after there were multiple complaints about a raucous party in his penthouse suite, and he ignored police requests to turn down the music. Uh, just how loud do you have to be to be too loud for South Beach?

A police raid Friday at a home of an Orlando city commissioner has apparently found both drugs and guns. Your move, Louisiana.

 

A rain delay means that Tiger Woods did not complete his second round Friday and will have to finish up Saturday morning.  So even God decided He/She really wanted to see Tiger play on the weekend?

 

From Bill Littlejohn,  “In 1930, Clayton Kershaw’s great-uncle, Clyde Tombaugh, discovered Pluto. Fitting, because that’s where Kershaw’s curveball disappears to in the post-season.”

While the vast majority of American Muslims are good law-abiding citizens, some people are calling for increased surveillance and profiling of Muslims because individuals have committed horrific crimes. So if the object is to prevent crimes, then presumably those same people should be calling for increased surveillance and profiling of gun owners…?

 


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