Posted tagged ‘Toronto jokes’

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In this corner, or rather base….

May 16, 2016

Today’s Rangers Blue Jays brawl started by Rougned Odor and Jose Bautista lasted long enough it should have been on pay-per-view .

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Next Toronto-Texas game may instead of a line-up card feature an under-card?

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But seriously, how long since a Blue Jays-Rangers game was the leading baseball story on Sportscenter?

 

Rougned Odor is likely to be suspended for his punch today. Wonder the suspension would preclude Odor from taking suspended heavyweight challenger Alexander Povetkin’s place in that WBC bout?

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First Justin Trudeau, then they get one of the four remaining teams in the NBA playoffs. Now Canada’s just piling on.

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Now that the ‪#‎Raptors‬ have finally made a conference final does that mean there’s hope for the ‪#‎MapleLeafs‬? ‪#‎Toronto‬ ‪#‎letsnotgetcarriedaway‬

 

Meanwhile, the SF Giants swept the Diamondbacks, 2-1.  But considering it took instant replay to keep Casilla from blowing save #4 maybe Santiago might be done for a while from complaining about Bochy’s lack of faith in him.

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The Giants actually only scored one of their runs when Matt Cain was pitching, continuing a streak over years where Cain receives some of the least run support in the majors.  Maybe next time Cain pitches, ‪#‎SFGiants‬ should start a reliever just for the 1st batter in 1st inning,  just to fool the hitters into not going into ice cold mode.

 

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Heard announcer refer to ‪#‎NYKnicks‬ coaching job as “one of most coveted in sports. Well, many do want to grow up to be circus ringmasters

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A newly discovered sinkhole in Florida may show that humans lived there 1,500 years earlier than expected. Amongst the finds inside was reputedly a tattered Tim Duncan jersey.

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President Obama told the Rutgers Class of 2016 today, “let me be as clear as I can be: In politics and in life, ignorance is not a virtue,” Waiting for the GOP rebuttal.

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Donald Trump now called Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas” in an interview. Pass the popcorn, this should be fun.

 

So I actually saw a serious anti-Clinton tweet saying that Hillary takes selfies and Bernie doesn’t. The rest of the world must think we have gone absolutely mad.

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Not the Grey Cup either…

May 1, 2016

Toronto Raptors’ Kyle Lowry on today’s game 7. “This is like our Super Bowl, win or go home.” Uh, so maybe Lowry isn’t a big NFL fan, but has someone told him after the Super Bowl both teams go home?

 

The New York Yankees, at 8-15, are in the cellar of the AL East. No punchline, I just like writing it.

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So wait a minute, there are no Canadian teams in the NHL playoffs but one in the NBA playoffs? Hope this isn’t a sign of the apocalypse.

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The White House has put forward proposals to make it easier for federal, state and local agencies to buy “smart guns” that only operate for certain users. The NRA is of course against it, saying the concept is “unproven” and “causes us great concern”. Because of course nothing ever goes wrong now with stolen law enforcement guns. ‪#‎sarcasm‬

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Some are already grading this year’s NFL draft picks by team. Yep, the same experts who had this year’s Super Bowl between the Seahawks or Packers, and the Colts or the Patriots.

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Congrats to ‪#‎MaliaObama‬ who will be attending ‪#‎Harvard‬. Wonder if that means she didn’t get into ‪#‎Stanford‬?

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Donald Trump, going after Hillary last week called her “one of the all time great enablers.” Of course, Trump’s wives are never enablers, he just trades them in for younger models first.

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Justin Bieber posted a picture of himself petting a tiger while the big cat was on a leash. Ok, be honest, how many other people were hoping for an equipment malfunction?

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Another thought about this bathroom insanity. Something like 90% of children who are sexually abused, are abused by someone they know. So where are the fear mongers about friends and relatives taking children into bathrooms?

 

Talking with friends yesterday after the Correspondents dinner, mentioned that I once wrote a joke that made then Senator Obama laugh.   They suggested  I post it.

In 2007  was able to meet him briefly on a rope line.
Said, “Senator, people say you’re the rock star of the Democratic party, but you’re too young to be president. But I’m looking at these concert tours for the Who, Paul McCartney and the Rolling Stones. And thinking you’re plenty old enough to be President. But you are not old enough to be a rock star.”

(he not only laughed he said I might be right, and he had all their records.)

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Bluer than blue

October 14, 2015

Every single team left in the 2015 MLB postseason wears the same color.   So can we now title the playoffs “Bluer than Blue”

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Well, in Texas it’s about time for sports fans to go back to complaining about their NFL teams.

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Watching the Astros bullpen in games 4 and 5 reminds you of why the Giants’ Bruce Bochy wasn’t taking that ball from Madbum’s hand in 2014.

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After today’s near riot at Rogers Centre in Toronto  have to figure a lot of people aren’t asking any more why Canada has such strict gun laws. ‪#‎Toronto‬‪  #‎Bluejays‬‪  #‎ALDS‬

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ALDS game 5 may be rebroadcast as an episode of the Twi-light Zone. ‪

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In Toronto today for half an inning there was the thought that the run that would decide the deciding game of a best of 5 series would have scored on a deflected ball that the catcher was trying to throw back to the pitcher.  When the batter MIGHT have interfered, and the umpire MIGHT have called time out.  And the Blue Jays decided to play the game under protest which could have been a fascinating appeal process…… In the Commissioner’s office Rob Manfred must have just popped champagne after that Bautista home run.
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Moscow and St Petersburg are considering a 1 day a week ban on alcohol sales as an effort to combat problems resulting from heavy drinking in Russia. Yeah, this works so well in places with blue laws like Texas.

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Uh oh, Mike Huckabee’s off his meds again: “I trust Bernie Sanders like I trust a North Korean chef with my labrador.” Has anyone reminded Huckabee that Jesus was a socialist?
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Stay classy USC, Apparently former coach Steve Sarkisian learned he had been fired when he read an e-mail and text messages from friends expressing sympathy.
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University of Florida DB Deiondre Porter has been suspended indefinitely after being arrested on four felony counts. He allegedly held a gun to his pregnant girlfriend’s head and shot in her direction. This is perhaps not what Gators fans intended when they talked about missing the halcyon days of Urban Meyer.
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There are things that make us proud to be human and living in the USA. This headline is not one of them: “Khloe Kardashian Reportedly Rushes to Lamar Odom’s Bedside With Family Members and a Camera Crew.”
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Yoko Ono is talking again about John Lennon, saying that he had a “desire” to sleep with men, but told her t “I just never found somebody that was that attractive. Both John and I were into attractiveness, you know, beauty.” Yeah, Yoko said it, with a straight face.
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The Washington Post is reporting that 43 people have been shot in the USA this year alone by toddlers age three and younger. Well, maybe if it weren’t easier to fire a gun than to remove a child-proof cap….
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A Subway customer says he found a dead mouse in a sandwich at a restaurant on the Oregon coast. And this is still less embarrassing to the chain than Jared.
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Donald Trump last night about the Dem debate “Sorry, there is no STAR on the stage tonight!” Well, since Bernie Sanders would like to increase his fundraising, just guessing Bernie would take Trump on in a one-on-one televised debate, any time. Now that Americans would definitely watch.
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Donald Trump now wants taxpayer-funded Secret Service for his protection during the campaign. Uh, really, as incompetent as Trump claims to think the government is, wouldn’t you think he’d feel safer with his own private body guards?
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From T.C.  On Playboy’s getting rid of nude pictures  “That’s it, I’m cancelling my Playboy subscription and am planning to renew with National Geographic. grrrrrrr”

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Oklahoma, not OK.

May 21, 2013

But first, give this country credit.   Oklahoma Governor Mary Fallin has been one of the Governors most strongly rejecting Obamacare, and no doubt she is not a favorite of the President.  But Obama promised major disaster aid immediately, with the same efforts to cut red tape he did in New Jersey with Sandy.  And I expect a positive response from Governor Fallin.  Even if it’s not an election year.

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Now, back to snark.

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It’s only May, but for Time’s “Person of the Year” 2013, may I suggest Mother Nature?

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The tornado news out of Oklahoma is pretty horrific. Wonder how long it will take though for Reps. Jim Bridenstine and Markwayne Mullin,  and Senators Tom Coburn and Jim Inhofe who all voted “no” on Sandy Relief, to demand federal aid?

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Oklahoma currently ranks 3rd in the nation after Texas and California in terms of total federal disaster and fire declarations. Now, the first thing we need to do is help the state, ideally with a funding bill free from added pork. But second can the state’s senators and congressmen STFU about funding other state’s disasters.

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The death toll in Oklahoma unfortunately keeps climbing and will no doubt include many children. No way of knowing yet how many victims had been told to evacuate and/or go to shelters but perhaps next time people, wherever they are, will be a bit less cavalier on weather warnings.

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And how long until the first conservative pundit or politician figures out a way to try to blame the Oklahoma tornado on Obama?

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Apparently the Seattle Seahawks have the highest PED suspension rate in the NFL since Pete Carroll took over. And they probably attend classes at the same rate Carroll’s players did at USC.

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Tiger Woods was asked if he had tried to clear the air with Sergio Garcia after the Players Championship. His one word answer – “No.” Guess this marriage cannot be saved.

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Ray Manzarek of the Doors died today. Scary Doors sidelight. Had he lived, Jim Morrison would be 69. A few months younger than Mick Jagger.

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The NFL is close to moving the draft from April to May. Translation, “We want one more month of post-Super Bowl hype to take the spotlight from other sports.”.

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Relations between President Obama and the media may not be at their best, but up in Canada….. The Toronto Star and Gawker are raising money to buy a video from Somali drug dealers that purports to show Toronto mayor Rob Ford smoking crack.

(What are signs that Rob Ford was smoking crack…. for starters was it his alleged planned Stanley Cub victory parade for the Maple Leafs?)

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Yahoo bought Tumblr and in a press release “Promises not to screw it up.” Uh, could they un-screw up Yahoo mail first?

Mark Obenshain, GOP nominee for Virginia attorney general, introduced a bill in 2009 that would make it a crime for women not to report a miscarriage to police within 24 hours. Why stop there? Why not also make it a crime for men to “spill their seed upon the ground?”

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A winning Mega Millions lottery ticket was sold in New Jersey, although the winner has yet to claim the prize. Presumably because he/she is busy making plans with the winnings to move out of New Jersey.

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Meanwhile, back at IRSGate or whatever they call it now, Okay, I get that the Tea Party may have been targeted unfairly by the IRS. But while they are proclaiming their outrage, would some Tea Party leaders also like to explain how they are a social welfare organization and not a political organization?

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Long odds.

May 17, 2013

The odds of winning the week’s $600 million Powerball the jackpot are 1 in 175,223,510. Well, at least that’s slightly better than the Cubs winning the World Series.

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5.1 earthquake in Ontario, Canada today. What triggered it? Monday’s unprecedented avalanche of falling Maple Leafs?

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A new cellphone video appears to show Toronto mayor Rob Ford smoking crack cocaine. Wow.And just a few days ago Torontonians thought the most embarrassing thing that could happen to their city was the Maple Leafs.

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New York Jets RB Mike Goodson was arrested this morning on drug possession and weapon charges. Good news for everyone who had May 17 in the “When does the post Tebow circus really start?” pool.

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9 errors in 4 games. If this keeps up the #SFGiants are going to have to add asterisks when they sell those “game-used gloves.”

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Seattle DE Bruce Irvin became the third Seahawk to be suspended in six months for PEDs. At this point the team is racking up so many rules violations Pete Carroll must think he’s back at USC.

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But come on. Seahawks DE Bruce Irvin was suspended FOUR  games for PEDs.  Only 1/4 of the regular season. Even Bud Selig thinks the NFL drug policy is lame.

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Beyonce has announced she is pregnant with her 2nd child. No announced due date but since she’s not really showing it appears she and Jay-Z will have several months to come up with a name weirder than “Blue Ivy.”

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Open note to other California drivers:   If your SUV or minivan is big enough to fit an entire Little League team, it’s probably a tad too big for a “compacts only” parking place.

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Pat Robertson is taking some heat for his comments on infidelity:   “Males have a tendency to wander a bit, and what you want to do is make the home so wonderful that he doesn’t want to wander.” What’s Pat’s defense, that he was going to follow Sanford and Weiner in attempting another run for office?

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Congrats to Vince Young. Who today is getting his degree from the University of Texas. And all across the SEC football players are asking “What’s a degree?”

Weird travel note.  No joke.   You know it’s a bad weekend to find hotel rooms in San Francisco when United Airlines has an internal message on delayed flights “DO NOT SEND ANY MISCONNECTS…NO HOTEL SPACE IN SFO.”

Glenn Beck is now claiming that the Obama administration concocted the AP and IRS scandals to take the focus of Benghazi. Leaving the bat-shit crazy element out of this, amazing that some conservatives think the only thing Obama can accomplish is a conspiracy.

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Some things are just WRONG….

October 17, 2009

Like playing the theme from “Rocky” for the bottom of the 12th in Yankee Stadium. Yeah, nothing says underdog like the $201 million payroll Yankees.

Of course, if the Angels keep making all these errors, they may have to register as an official New York charity.

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As Brett Favre prepares for the Ravens-Vikings game, at least he doesn’t have to worry about shopping for Halloween candy. What self-respecting kid wants to wait for the answer to “trick or treat.?”

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Okay, let’s see, who predicted this one? The best college football team in Ohio this year is now unquestionably the undefeated Cincinnati Bearcats.

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Major League Baseball is excusing their postseason umpiring mistakes by saying that six umpires are on the disabled list. But the explanation isn’t clear – are those six working the games or not?

So it turns out “balloon boy” Falcon never really got off the ground. Stay tuned for the announcement of his sponsorship deal with JetBlue.

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Lebron James hasn’t been playing in pre-season games for the Cavs due to a suspected case of H1N1. This wouldn’t be a problem for Kobe Bryant. He never passes on anything.

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It’s a rough year to be a sports fan in Toronto. Tonight, the CFL Argonauts became the first team to be officially eliminated from the playoffs. The Maple Leafs may follow in a few weeks.

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The Toronto Maple Leafs have started the season 0-7. During the second intermission of their most recent loss, Air Canada Centre’s PA system started playing the Beatles’ “Help.” Maybe it would have been more appropriate to play Neil Young’s “Helpless.”

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Ben Burnett reminds us that Microsoft’s next operating system, Windows 7, comes out on Thursday, October 22. So for those hoping to install it, call tech support now and get on hold now.
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