Posted tagged ‘Pete Carroll jokes’

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That’s my story, and I’m trying not to stick to it.

February 4, 2015

Wow. NBC News anchor Brian Williams admitted today that his 2003 story of being shot down in a military helicopter down by enemy fire in Iraq was false, but “I don’t know what screwed up in my mind that caused me to conflate one aircraft with another… I feel terrible about making this mistake.” “Conflate one aircraft with another?” I think I like “pushed into a lifeboat” better.

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Conrad Hilton Jr, 20, appeared in court and was ordered to surrender his passport during a court appearance over a meltdown on a flight from London to LA last year which including him calling flight attendants ‘f***ing peasants.” Who knew that big sister Paris would turn out to be the class of that family.’

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So on the highways in the greater Seattle area, will all “No passing lanes” be renamed in honor of Pete Carroll?”

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So the Super Bowl was only a few days ago, and already we’ve had 3 current NFL players arrested. Letroy Guion, D’Qwell Jackson, and Joseph Randle. Looking good for all those who bet the “over” in Vegas.

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Indanapolis Colts LB D’Qwell Jackson has been arrested and charged with assault for hitting a pizza deliveryman over an argument about a parking space. Isn’t it time for the NFL to welcome their new sponsor, Uber?

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In the “cheer up, things could be worse” airline division, I give you China’s Spring Airlines, which is trying to get approval for selling  discount tickets to passengers willing to stand. No joke.

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Yasiel Puig just said that the Los Angeles Dodgers real rivals are not the SF Giants, but the St. Louis Cardinals. That ought to make Puig even more popular when the Dodgers visit AT&T Park in April.

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From Alex Kaseberg.  “The Chicago Cubs’ renovation of Wrigley Field has caused a huge neighborhood rat infestation. The good news? They’re Cubs rats, so they’ll be gone by October.”

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Because of a case involving an HIV-positive man who didn’t disclose his condition to his partner, the Florida Supreme Court will now consider the definition of “sexual intercourse.” Though presumably they turned down a request to testify on the subject from Bill Clinton.

 

Anthem, the second largest health insurer in the US, said today its database has been hacked, potentially exposing personal information about 80 million customers. Anthem said that the breach exposed “names, birthdays, social security numbers, street AND email addresses, plus employment information, including income data,” But no credit card information was exposed. Well, okay, as long as the hackers didn’t get anything important. ‪#‎facepalm‬

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Stupid beyond a shadow of a doubt.

February 2, 2015

No word on when Spring is coming in Seattle. Punxsutawney Phil is still cowering in his burrow with a headache. ‪

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No doubt some Seahawks players and fans feel God let them down Sunday. But to paraphrase an old joke, if God cared at all He/She is probably saying. “Look, I gave you 2 Brady interceptions, 1 miracle catch, and three downs to win it with the best running back in the NFL, what more did you want?”

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Seahawks offensive coordinator Darrell Bevells said they threw on 2nd and goal because “We were conscious of how much time was on the clock and we wanted to use it all.” Uh, except if the pass had been caught for a TD Seattle would have given Brady the ball back with 20 something seconds left. ‪#‎baddecisionANDbadmath‬

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So for all those who wondered how the NFL would grab headlines after the Super Bowl, congrats to all who had “Johnny Manziel entering rehab” in the pool.

 

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Former NFL star Warren Sapp was fired by the NFL Network after he was arrested for soliciting prostitution and two counts of misdemeanor assault after the Super Bowl. Two women who were also cited allegedly told police an argument started over money. When will they ever learn? ALWAYS pay your mistresses and your hookers. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

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So, I’m dating myself, but can’t help thinking that that the best headline for this week’s storm would be “Linus blankets Northeast.”

 

From Marc Ragovin:   “Is Pete Carroll’s Internet alias “Clueless in Seattle?”

 

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Sammy Fong says “See, this is what happens when you legalize marijuana in your state!”

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A Texas elementary school suspended a 9-year-old boy for making “terroristic threats” after he told a classmate he could make him disappear with a magic ring like the one in the Hobbit movie. Silly boy. It’s Texas. If he had just threatened the classmate with a gun he’d have gotten off with a warning.

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You can get odds on Tiger Woods winning this week’s Farmers Insurance Open at 50-1 in Las Vegas. And it’s still probably a bad bet.

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The Baltimore Ravens released DT Terrence Cody today after he was indicted on 15 charges, including two felony counts of aggravated animal cruelty, after his dog died. (The charges also included illegally owning an alligator.) Not sure exactly what happened, but with the league’s heightened awareness after Michael Vick, seems like anyone risking these charges with animals should be cut for stupidity if nothing else.

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A 3-year-old boy shot his both his father and pregnant mother in an Albuquerque, NM hotel room this weekend. His parents will survive, his mother is still in the hospital. If only the fetus had been armed..

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Way too young, former MLB player Dave Bergman has passed away at 61. Hope someone is warning players in heaven’s softball league about that hidden ball trick.

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Chris Christie today was asked about the measles outbreak, and said, while he and his wife vaccinated their kids, “I also understand that parents need to have some measure of choice in things as well. So that’s the balance that the government has to decide.” Yep, the NJ govenor is not only running for President, he’s jockeying hard for the “stupid” vote.

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Super gift?

February 1, 2015

What a waste of Immaculate Reception 2.

 

God to the ‪#‎Seahawks‬. Don’t blame me. Even I ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ ‪#‎SuperBowl‬

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Who needs inflated balls when you have Pete Carroll’s inflated ego? ‪#‎Worst2ndandgoalcallever‬ ‪#‎SuperBowl‬

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Russell Wilson said after the NFC Championship that God caused him to throw four interceptions. Did God tell him to suck in most of the first half of the Super Bowl too?

 

Robert Kraft thanking almost everyone for the Patriots ‪#‎SuperBowl‬ win, but he forgets to thank Pete Carroll for that goal line passing call.

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Of course,  just imagine how far out front ‪#‎Patriots‬ would have won by if they were in charge of their own balls? ‪#‎SuperBowl‬

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Seahawks DE Cliff Avril left Super Bowl after hit on the head and due to concussion protocol will not be able to address the media after the game. Next year, Marshawn Lynch is trying to figure out how often he can claim last second concussions.

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How much did ‪#‎KatyPerry‬ pay ‪#‎HotDogonastick‬ to borrow one of their uniforms for her ‪#‎SuperBowlHalftimeShow‬? –

 

But really, “I kissed a girl and I liked it” from ‪#‎katyperry‬ during the ‪#‎SuperBowl‬ ‪#‎HalftimeShow‬? . No doubt ‪#‎FoxNews‬ is already blaming Obama.

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Just as well folks who paid over $10,000-20,000 for Super Bowl tickets can’t see the commercials. They can no longer afford the cars.

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Hard to believe that after tonight we’ll be done with Super Bowl hype. The NFL draft hype starts in Monday morning.

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Stanford fans have to thank Pete Carroll for flashbacks of watching a coach lose a game by not using his best player: Jim Harbaugh throwing repeatedly instead of running Gerhart late in Big Game against Cal, David Shaw not letting Andrew Luck throw for a game winning TD in the Fiesta Bowl….. ‪#‎inflatedegos‬

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So to put the end of the Super Bowl in context for baseball fans. Pete Carroll not giving the ball to Marshawn Lynch with 2nd and goal at the one and the game on the line was roughly analogous to Matt Williams pulling Jordan Zimmerman one out away from a complete game NLDS game 2 win. IMHO.

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Meanwhile  Mike Huckabee said that changing stance against gay marriage would be like ‘asking someone who’s Jewish to start serving bacon-wrapped shrimp in their deli.”   Right, pork and shrimp together….. Apparently Huckabee has never been in a Chinese restaurant on Christmas.

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Missing the best part?

January 30, 2015

 

Go figure. All of these people paying thousands of dollars for Super Bowl tickets. And they don’t even get to see the commercials.

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Another thought about all those $10,000 Super Bowl tickets. Maybe most of us think we’d never pay that, but since most of those are written off as corporate expenditures for taxes we’re all chipping in a little bit. Because government will just get the money from somewhere else.

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Oops., a police impersonator in Virginia turned on a spotlight in his Crown Victoria and pulled over another car. Except that the driver of that car then identified himself as an off-duty cop. The wannabe officer is now seeing the inside of a real police station and jail as he is being held without bond.

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NFL Players Association Pres. Eric Winston apologized today for “inappropriately and flippantly” saying to a reporter: “Hey, even the worst bartender at spring break does pretty well. Think about it, a 2-yr old could [be NFL commissioner] and still make money.” Hmm, was he really apologizing to Roger Goodell, or to 2 yr-olds?

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Richard Sherman’s girlfriend is expecting their first child within the next week, and if she goes into labor, Pete Carroll said his cornerback can miss the Super Bowl for the birth if he wants: “It’s about family first and we will support his decision.” And Bill Belichick would no doubt say, “Hey, why doesn’t Sherman be supportive and take the day off to be with her, just in case.”

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For anyone thinking of using an unmanned drone to get a glimpse of the Super Bowl, the FAA has banned them on Sunday afternoon within 10 miles of the stadium, and operators can be jailed or fined. Of course, this doesn’t say anything about potential Patriots drones trying to get a glimpse of Seahawks’ practices.

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Roger Goodell says the NFL is “aggressively” pursuing “Deflategate” allegations, but “I want to emphasize we have made no judgments on these points, and we will not compromise the investigation by engaging in speculation.” Translation, if you think we’re going to do anything before the Super Bowl, you’re flat out nuts.

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Oakland Raiders are at 200-1 odds to win the Super Bowl in 2016 . Wow!  Guess proximity to California must have made the oddsmakers over-optimistic.

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Michelle Obama praised the movie “American Sniper” today. This is the sort of sentence that makes heads at FOX News explode.

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Good for golf to have Tiger Woods back. If there weren’t headlines about him missing another cut most people wouldn’t realize there’s a tournament on this weekend.

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Mitt Romney’s statement  today “After putting considerable thought into making another run for president, I’ve decided it is best to give other leaders in the party the opportunity to become our next nominee.” Translation, enough of my fellow Republicans have said to me “Are you out of your bleeping mind?”

 

 

A former Oregon State student has been cited for filming a porn video in the university library. Not sure who caught her at it, but pretty sure it wasn’t a football player.

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Oklahoma, not OK.

May 21, 2013

But first, give this country credit.   Oklahoma Governor Mary Fallin has been one of the Governors most strongly rejecting Obamacare, and no doubt she is not a favorite of the President.  But Obama promised major disaster aid immediately, with the same efforts to cut red tape he did in New Jersey with Sandy.  And I expect a positive response from Governor Fallin.  Even if it’s not an election year.

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Now, back to snark.

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It’s only May, but for Time’s “Person of the Year” 2013, may I suggest Mother Nature?

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The tornado news out of Oklahoma is pretty horrific. Wonder how long it will take though for Reps. Jim Bridenstine and Markwayne Mullin,  and Senators Tom Coburn and Jim Inhofe who all voted “no” on Sandy Relief, to demand federal aid?

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Oklahoma currently ranks 3rd in the nation after Texas and California in terms of total federal disaster and fire declarations. Now, the first thing we need to do is help the state, ideally with a funding bill free from added pork. But second can the state’s senators and congressmen STFU about funding other state’s disasters.

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The death toll in Oklahoma unfortunately keeps climbing and will no doubt include many children. No way of knowing yet how many victims had been told to evacuate and/or go to shelters but perhaps next time people, wherever they are, will be a bit less cavalier on weather warnings.

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And how long until the first conservative pundit or politician figures out a way to try to blame the Oklahoma tornado on Obama?

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Apparently the Seattle Seahawks have the highest PED suspension rate in the NFL since Pete Carroll took over. And they probably attend classes at the same rate Carroll’s players did at USC.

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Tiger Woods was asked if he had tried to clear the air with Sergio Garcia after the Players Championship. His one word answer – “No.” Guess this marriage cannot be saved.

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Ray Manzarek of the Doors died today. Scary Doors sidelight. Had he lived, Jim Morrison would be 69. A few months younger than Mick Jagger.

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The NFL is close to moving the draft from April to May. Translation, “We want one more month of post-Super Bowl hype to take the spotlight from other sports.”.

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Relations between President Obama and the media may not be at their best, but up in Canada….. The Toronto Star and Gawker are raising money to buy a video from Somali drug dealers that purports to show Toronto mayor Rob Ford smoking crack.

(What are signs that Rob Ford was smoking crack…. for starters was it his alleged planned Stanley Cub victory parade for the Maple Leafs?)

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Yahoo bought Tumblr and in a press release “Promises not to screw it up.” Uh, could they un-screw up Yahoo mail first?

Mark Obenshain, GOP nominee for Virginia attorney general, introduced a bill in 2009 that would make it a crime for women not to report a miscarriage to police within 24 hours. Why stop there? Why not also make it a crime for men to “spill their seed upon the ground?”

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A winning Mega Millions lottery ticket was sold in New Jersey, although the winner has yet to claim the prize. Presumably because he/she is busy making plans with the winnings to move out of New Jersey.

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Meanwhile, back at IRSGate or whatever they call it now, Okay, I get that the Tea Party may have been targeted unfairly by the IRS. But while they are proclaiming their outrage, would some Tea Party leaders also like to explain how they are a social welfare organization and not a political organization?

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University of $ and not enough ¢

June 11, 2010

USC has long been known in the Pac 10 as the University of $’s and ¢’s But now the NCAA has decided that they’ve paid out too many of those dollars to student athletes, specifically Reggie Bush and O.J. Mayo. So the school is going on probation, will be banned from bowls for 2 years, and will forfeit 30 scholarships.

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On the bright side, with coach Lane Kiffin, the team wasn’t likely to qualify for any serious bowl anyway.

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The NCAA has warned USC that if they don’t clean up their act, the sanctions could get worse. As in they may be forced to keep Kiffin as their coach indefinitely.

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Lane Kiffin actually attracted the notice of NCAA investigators at his last job, at the University of Tennessee. So he could end with an dubious record, the first D1 coach to have two teams on major probation before he goes to a major bowl game.

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Actually USC will join Michigan as one of the most renowned programs in college football that will be on probation for 2010. Too bad, the teams could be a perfect matchup for the newest bowl at Yankee Stadium. Except they’d have to change the name from “Pinstripe Bowl” to “Jailstripe Bowl.”

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Ben Roethlisberger gave a contrite interview to a local Pittsburgh radio station, saying “”I got caught up being Big Ben the whole time. I lost track of who Ben Roethlisberger was. It’s not something I’m proud of,”

Yo, Ben, if you’re serious about getting back on track, lose the third person.

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Former (as of last week) Oregon quarterback Jeremiah Masoli has a record of getting into trouble almost as long as his stellar onfield record. He was expelled from Serra High School (and spent time in juvenile detention) for his part in a string of robberies. Then he was suspended for the year after pleading guilty to an on-campus burglary. And then he was finally kicked of the team for not only getting cited for marijuana possession, but driving with a suspended license.

Masoli may be out of changes in college football, but he’s looking good for being cast in a remake of “The Longest Yard.”

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The first domino has fallen. The University of Colorado has agreed to join the Pac 10. And sure, why not, when you think of the Pacific, you have to think of Boulder, Colorado.

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Random thought. Does any top level athlete in the world look QUITE as sulky and petulant in an interview as Kobe Bryant does after a loss?

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Apparently the Brazilian referees working the England-United States match at the World Cup have been studying English-language swear words so they can make sure players aren’t being abusive. Who says sports isn’t educational?

Or a variation on the theme from Bill Littlejohn:

“The Brazilian referee and his assistants for Saturday’s England-United States game at the World Cup are brushing up on the lexicon of English-language obscenities and gestures.This morning, they observed video of the latest arrest of Amy Winehouse”

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Coming soon, the Pac 10-Big 10 matchup everyone has wanted to see in the Rose Bowl – Texas vs. Nebraska.

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Democratic California gubernatorial nominee Jerry Brown asked for 10 televised debates with Meg Whitman. She accepted the invitation to debate him, ONCE, in October. Time and exact date to be worked out, but word has it Whitman is open to any weekday between 3 and 4am.

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