Posted tagged ‘Groundhog Day jokes’

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Heads up?

February 3, 2017

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(thanks to my friend Joe C. for this one.)

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Looking for another reason to hate the Yankees? Hal Steinbrenner on Aroldis Chapman, and his 2016 suspension for violating MLB’s domestic violence policy: “Quite frankly, it was manageable the minute he got here last year. He was great. Look, he admitted he messed up. He paid the penalty. Sooner or later, we forget, right? ”

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Really missing when stupid questions during #SuperBowl media days were the craziest things said during the first week in February.

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Charles Barkley said before tonight’s game Clippers would  beat Warriors. “guaranteed.”  Poor Sir Charles. So much craziness in the world that he has to up the ante to get noticed.

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Got to love it as a Stanford grad, the #UCBerkleyRiot trending hashing is misspelled. It’s “Berkeley.”

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This just in – Trump fires #Punxsutawneyphil , replaces him with a relative of that furry thing that lives on his head.

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So who had Australia in the “which country will President Trump break off relations with first?” pool?

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Trump uses #Nationalprayerbreakfast as excuse to taunt Arnold over ratings. Can’t wait to see President in action at state funerals.

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Schwarzenegger’s response “”Hey Donald, I have a great idea. Why don’t we switch jobs? You take over TV because you’re such an expert on ratings and I take over your job and then people can finally sleep comfortably again.”
Hmm, is Arnold bidding to be the Trump Ex-Terminator?

 

Good to see  John  McCain & Lindsey    Graham speaking their minds on Trump.. Now what about a few actual opposing votes?

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#Uber CEO Travis Kalanick is resigning from Trump’s advisory council. “Uber is for losers” tweet coming in 3.2.1……

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New UN Ambassador Nikki Haley: “The dire situation in eastern Ukraine is one that demands clear and strong condemnation of Russian actions…”
So while we’re waiting for March Madness can we start brackets or something on who Trump fires next?

So Trump wants women working at White House to #DressLikeAWoman – Does this mean mandatory pussy hats?

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Not even Fox News is covering the Bowling Green Massacre. Clearly the corruption of the media is spreading. #sarcasm

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“”We want this nominee to be treated the same way that President Clinton and President Obama’s nominees were treated.” –@SenJohnThune #SCOTUS
And his point is?
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Not all the UC Berkeley protestors last night were violent. As a liberal I have no problem with arresting any of those who were, and who damaged property. In fact, I hope police do find them….. just guessing most of them weren’t students, the violent ones.
And it also wouldn’t shock me if some of the worst actually were not “leftists,” but people who wanted to make the left look bad.

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A couple friends have commented that that they are tired of all the political posts on FB etc. . And I get it, although there is just so much comedy-satire material. But the problem is, when you decide, okay, enough, I’m going to post about something else….then it’s another crazy EO, or a leak, or a insult Tweet, or letting people with mental illnesses severe enough to receive disability payments buy guns…..

Maybe that’s the idea, we all get so tired of it we don’t care. and this administration can do whatever the hell they want.

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Almost winning?

February 2, 2016

Can’t wait for the Steve Harvey interview with Donald Trump on his Iowa Caucus win last night.

 

The House today failed to override President Obama’s veto of a bill to repeal Obamacare. So maybe Paul Ryan actually has a sense of humor in scheduling the vote on Groundhog Day?

 

Almost all signs of the SF 49ers have been removed from Levi’s Stadium for Super Bowl weekend. Except for the red seats.  But that won’t be a problem. Unlike for most of the late season 49ers games, on Sunday those seats will actually have fans sitting in them.

 

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Colin Kaepernick apparently wants out with the SF 49ers to play for the Jets. This is like an elephant trying to abandon Barnum & Bailey’s for Ringling Brothers

 

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The Broncos have sent rookie safety Ryan Murphy home after he was detained and questioned as part of a prostitution sting today. Really? You’re part of a a Super Bowl team and you can’t even find sex for free? ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ ‪#‎rookiemistake‬

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The Cleveland Browns will apparently release Johnny Manziel in March. So much for his prediction of “wrecking this league.” Looks like what Manziel was really good at was wrecking his career.

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The CDC now says that any woman of childbearing age not using birth control should abstain from alcohol. Uh, isn’t drinking how many babies get conceived in the first place?

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Hillary Clinton apparently won six Iowa precincts by coin toss. So maybe that answers one question “Whatever happened to those Patriots ballboys?”

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Groundhog Day happening at about the same time as the Iowa caucuses is very confusing. So did that furry thing that lives on Trump’s head see his shadow or not?

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Just when we were about to utter the magic words “Who cares any more about Iowa?” comes the news that Bernie Sanders is not ready to concede. So maybe all those reporters better not check out of their rooms yet.

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Marissa Mayer says Yahoo will lay off 15% of its global workforce and close five offices. And this plan “will enable us to accelerate Yahoo’s transformation.” So sounds like Ms. Mayer is well on her way to following Carly Fiorina into politics.

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So the Sacramento Kings nixed a Chinese New Year t-shirt giveaway because it referenced “Year of the Monkey” and had a purple money on it. DeMarcus Cousins and others apparently thought it was “racially insensitive” on the first day of Black History Month.
Now, I’m generally liberal and proud of it but where does this stop? Cops vetoing “Year of the Pig? Lawyers vetoing “Year of the Snake?” Or some white voters complaining about “Year of the Sheep?

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Last night CNN covered Cruz, Trump, Rubio, Clinton and Sanders speeches. Fox News only covered the GOP candidates. So fair and balanced only means between “right” and “far right?”

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Stupid beyond a shadow of a doubt.

February 2, 2015

No word on when Spring is coming in Seattle. Punxsutawney Phil is still cowering in his burrow with a headache. ‪

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No doubt some Seahawks players and fans feel God let them down Sunday. But to paraphrase an old joke, if God cared at all He/She is probably saying. “Look, I gave you 2 Brady interceptions, 1 miracle catch, and three downs to win it with the best running back in the NFL, what more did you want?”

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Seahawks offensive coordinator Darrell Bevells said they threw on 2nd and goal because “We were conscious of how much time was on the clock and we wanted to use it all.” Uh, except if the pass had been caught for a TD Seattle would have given Brady the ball back with 20 something seconds left. ‪#‎baddecisionANDbadmath‬

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So for all those who wondered how the NFL would grab headlines after the Super Bowl, congrats to all who had “Johnny Manziel entering rehab” in the pool.

 

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Former NFL star Warren Sapp was fired by the NFL Network after he was arrested for soliciting prostitution and two counts of misdemeanor assault after the Super Bowl. Two women who were also cited allegedly told police an argument started over money. When will they ever learn? ALWAYS pay your mistresses and your hookers. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

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So, I’m dating myself, but can’t help thinking that that the best headline for this week’s storm would be “Linus blankets Northeast.”

 

From Marc Ragovin:   “Is Pete Carroll’s Internet alias “Clueless in Seattle?”

 

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Sammy Fong says “See, this is what happens when you legalize marijuana in your state!”

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A Texas elementary school suspended a 9-year-old boy for making “terroristic threats” after he told a classmate he could make him disappear with a magic ring like the one in the Hobbit movie. Silly boy. It’s Texas. If he had just threatened the classmate with a gun he’d have gotten off with a warning.

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You can get odds on Tiger Woods winning this week’s Farmers Insurance Open at 50-1 in Las Vegas. And it’s still probably a bad bet.

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The Baltimore Ravens released DT Terrence Cody today after he was indicted on 15 charges, including two felony counts of aggravated animal cruelty, after his dog died. (The charges also included illegally owning an alligator.) Not sure exactly what happened, but with the league’s heightened awareness after Michael Vick, seems like anyone risking these charges with animals should be cut for stupidity if nothing else.

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A 3-year-old boy shot his both his father and pregnant mother in an Albuquerque, NM hotel room this weekend. His parents will survive, his mother is still in the hospital. If only the fetus had been armed..

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Way too young, former MLB player Dave Bergman has passed away at 61. Hope someone is warning players in heaven’s softball league about that hidden ball trick.

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Chris Christie today was asked about the measles outbreak, and said, while he and his wife vaccinated their kids, “I also understand that parents need to have some measure of choice in things as well. So that’s the balance that the government has to decide.” Yep, the NJ govenor is not only running for President, he’s jockeying hard for the “stupid” vote.

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If you’re reading this Sunday morning?

February 2, 2014

Aren’t you missing the Super Bowl pre-game show?

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Although Saturday night in New York City, there are thousands of hotel rooms available for a reasonable price. Maybe the NFL is finding out you CAN lose money underestimating the intelligence of the American people.

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Can we just play the game, please? Baltimore Ravens coach John Harbaugh said today he doesn’t believe claims that players smoked marijuana before the Super Bowl. Uh, and what’s he supposed to say, “Nah, we didn’t smoke, my guys prefer brownies.”?

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It’s Groundhog Day! Where in Chicago if Punxsutawney Phil sees or doesn’t see his shadow Cubs fans know they have six more decades without a World Series.

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Cal knocked off #1Arizona 60-58 tonight. Would the Golden Bears like to thank Stanford for wearing the Wildcats out Thursday?

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Roger Goodell says he wants to increase the number of NFL teams that make the playoffs from 12 to 14. Because that would have lot$ of benefit$ for the league. Million$ of benefit$ no doubt.

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A United Airlines flight from Dulles to Frankfurt had to land in Newark because of an unidentified odor. Are they sure the smell wasn’t New Jersey?

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At a pre-Super Bowl NY Jets event, GM John Idzik and coach Rex Ryan said they support QB Geno Smith but also said they won’t tolerate behavior that embarrasses the franchise. Apparently the only acceptable way to embarrass the team is on the field.

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There’s now a rumor that Mitt Romney may run for President again in 2016. If true not sure who’ll be happier? Hillary Clinton or comedy writers.

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MLB has approved a new padded cap designed to protect pitchers from line drives, but the story is that players won’t wear them because the caps don’t look cool, and give the impression they’d be pitching scared. Thinking actually it would be a bigger sign of courage to send the message to kids “I don’t care how I look, I care about protecting my brain.”

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Bill Maher “Now that liberals have forwarded their agenda by inserting a mass gay wedding into the Grammys, conservatives must match them tit-for-tat by having a mass shooting at the Country Music Awards.” Waiting for the first Duck Dynasty fan to stand up and defend Maher’s right to free speech.

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The Tonight Show with Jay Leno has been getting some of its highest ratings ever now that Leno is leaving. Which might be giving NBC executives some second thoughts about turning the show over to Jimmy Fallon. Because before this Leno was only….#1 in the late night rankings? Oops, never mind.

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Toronto mayor Rob Ford was just ticketed for jaywalking and public drunkenness in Vancouver. And reportedly told police officers he’d thought they were ‘cooler’ on the West Coast. You know, it wasn’t that long ago that most Americans couldn’t name a single Canadian politician…..

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It’s only weird if it doesn’t work. The Wizards beat the Thunder 96-81 tonight, snapping Oklahoma’s 10 game win streak. John Wall scored 15 of his 17 points in the 2nd half, and said “I didn’t like how I played on the road trip in my white shoes, so I tried the red ones They didn’t work in the first half, so I got rid of them and went back to my old white ones, and they kind of helped me out. I’m kind of superstitious.”

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The American Psychatric Association has now officially recognized “Caffeine Use Disorder.” A new study says for “some it produces negative effects, physical dependence, and can be difficult to give up, which are signs of problematic use.” What was their first clue?

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The Shadow Knows?

February 2, 2013

So I’m a bit confused, if Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow today, does that mean we’re in for six more weeks of Super Bowl hype?

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Although really, aren’t the two weeks between the AFC-NFC championship and the Super Bowl just a media version of “Groundhog Day?”

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A terrified and disoriented coyote found wandering San Francisco’s Mission District is apparently recovering at a local wildlife center. City officials are warning people again not to trust ACME products.

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Get out the hankies and violins: Lebron James, talking about taking only $17.5 million from the Heat to help Miami stay under the cap. “Financially, I’ll sacrifice for the team. It shows for some of the top guys, it isn’t all about money.” Forbes estimates James earns $40 million per year in endorsements and sponsorships.

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Harvard University said that 60 students, including some athletes, were suspended over a cheating scandal involving a take-home exam. In the SEC football players are asking “What’s an exam?”

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In one of their upcoming Super Bowl Budweiser commercials, Anheuser-Busch plans to use a one week old Clydesdale foal. Even the Chinese say “that’s putting them to work a bit young.”

(open note to readers, dare you to watch that commercial without tearing up, seriously.)

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A line from one of the speeches made about Hillary Clinton on her last day as Secretary of State: “John Kerry has some very large Manolo Blahniks to fill.” Women responded “Hillary wears Manolo Blahniks?” And men responded “What the heck ARE Manolo Blahniks?”

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Uh, maybe he could have chosen different words: Tenn. State Senator Stacey Campfield says he wishes the gay community would just leave the straight people alone … saying, “We don’t wanna hear about it every day … quit trying to ram it down everybody’s throats …

 

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The Dow closed over 14,000 today. And down in La Jolla, Mitt Romney is looking at his portfolio and thinking “Hmm, maybe Ann and I should have voted for Obama.”

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From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg: “Not sure it was in the best sportsmanship how San Francisco came up with a motto for this Super Bowl” “The Forty Niners. We know nobody on our team killed anybody.”
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R.I.P. Ed Koch. How can you not love a man who referred to Donald Trump as “piggy?”

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Happy Groundhog Day

February 2, 2012

Punxsutawney Phil woke up early this morning, saw Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney going at it, and immediately buried himself back in his burrow.

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Actually Phil reportedly was a Donald Trump supporter. The groundhog believes that furry thing that lives on the Donald’s head just might be a relative.

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Susan G. Komen for the Cure just cut all its funding to Planned Parenthood for breast health screenings, after pressure from anti-choice groups. Maybe they should change the color of their pink ribbon to yellow.

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February 1 was “National Signing Day.” (When high school players formally commit to colleges for football.) I think ESPN has created more days and events than Hallmark.

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Tackle Andrus Peat, a “five-star recruit”, today decided on Stanford over previously favored Nebraska. Cardinal coach David Shaw said his and his staff’s reaction “was heard many places around the building.” One would guess the reaction in Lincoln, NE was also heard in many places….

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A new bill, introduced by Florida Rep. State Sen. Michael Bennett tries to enforce a unused 1988 law that says any sports teams that accept public dollars to build their stadiums must shelter poor people on off nights. Off nights? The Tampa Bay Rays have space when they are playing.

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A bronze replica of Ted Williams is being moved from Fenway Park down to the Red Sox Spring Training facility in Florida? No confirmation of rumors that to save shipping costs the team was originally planning just to move Ted’s head.

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Rumor has it that Donald Trump will endorse Newt Gingrich tomorrow. Makes some sense. How often does Trump get to stand on a stage with someone who makes him look like a good husband with a healthy ego?

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Awful story out of Egypt with over 70 people killed at a soccer match. Americans are stunned. They can’t imagine 70 people showing up to watch soccer.

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MSN wonders about the effect of what they call Romney’s “gaffe”: “I’m not concerned about the very poor” will have in the election. “Gaffe?” Might be one of the most honest sentences he’s ever spoken.

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NY Giants DE Osi Umenyiora was fined $20,000 on Wednesday for skipping a mandatory media session at the Super Bowl. $20,000? A lot of NFL players may just start considering this a tax for an extra hour or two of freedom.

(As my friend Blll Dwan says, considering that this fine is about double that of a helmet-to-helmet hit, the incident does point up the NFL’s priorities.)

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Mitt Romney on Wednesday during a CNN interview that he’s “not concerned about the very poor” because they have an “ample safety net” (Either that or they can’t afford to get to the polls.)

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Many pundits are saying that Romney’s win in Florida will give him the nomination. Really, that much importance for a state where most of the residents can’t even figure out when to turn their left-turn blinkers on and off?

Statement from the Susan G. Komen Foundation: “We regret that these new policies have impacted some longstanding grantees, such as Planned Parenthood, but want to be absolutely clear that our grant-making decisions are not about politics.” I think I like “fell into the lifeboat” better.

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