Posted tagged ‘NY Jets jokes’

Sometimes got to give?

September 18, 2017

Real shame the  NY Giants don’t play NY Jets this year. That way at least one team would be assured of a win.

Even Rutgers is thinking “These New Jersey football teams are BAD.

ESPN reports Cowboys coach to meet w/ Ezekiel Elliott over lack of effort Sunday. In Dallas this could be serious, unlike hitting a woman.

Okay, with the NY Giants  on board,  #49ers & Bengals only remaining NFL teams who haven’t scored a touchdown. Any guesses who’ll be last?

Chargers couldn’t even sell out 27,000 seat StubHub Center for 1st home game in L.A. Oakland Raiders fans thinking “It’s not too late.”

Chargers reportedly sticking w/ struggling kicker Younghoe Koo. Based on attendance there’s not too much pressure yet – no one is watching.
Auburn dismissed backup QB Sean White after he was arrested Sunday morning on charge of public intoxication. Silly man, if you are going to be an SEC player who gets arrested you better be a starter.
Just a piece of advice, an online ad with “Makeup tips for older women” not going to get a lot of clicks. Most women think “older” is 10 years older than ME.

Arizona man hospitalized after he tried to show off for his friends by BBQing a rattlesnake, and the snake bit him. Your move, Florida.

Polls in Germany show Merkel’s Christian Democratic Union party increasingly popular, in part due to an anti-Trump backlash. MAGA- Make Angela Great Again?
This GOP Obamacare repeal is a really shitty remake of Groundhog Day.
 –
Anyone in  Senate who votes for #GrahamCassidy should have to immediately get their own health insurance under its provisions. Period.
If @HillaryClinton had showed up for a cameo at  Emmy would some of these people telling her to go away have embraced her? #SeanSpicer
Obama just reportedly got $400,000 for Wall Street speech. If someone tells Trump maybe he’ll resign to make big $$$ as ex-President?
 –

So has anyone told @realDonaldTrump that Puerto Ricans are Americans? #Maria

Apparently post-Harvey & Irma weren’t right time to talk about Climate Change, how many hurricanes do we have to have before it is? #Jose

Trump says he was wiretapped. He wasn’t. But Manafort was. And I’m sure there’s nothing they discussed he’s worried about….

 

You know, if Trump was actually SERIOUS about putting Americans first and helping working class people, he’d look for businesses that traditionally hire immigrants, legal and illegal, for lower wages, and try to persuade them to offer higher living wages only to workers born in the US.
If only he knew anyone in the hotel business.

High crimes and misdemeanors?

August 11, 2015

Scientists have found possible marijuana residue in William Shakespeare’s pipes. So maybe what the playwright meant to write was “Doobie or not doobie?”

You REALLY cannot make this “stuff” up: Geno Smith will be out 10 weeks with a broken jaw after he was punched by a NY Jets teammate?! ‪#‎thecircushascometotown‬

Ah nostalgia. Remember the days when NY Jets fans were worried that Tim Tebow was going to be their biggest quarterback distraction?

Happiest people over the Jets’ releasing Ikemefuna Enemkpali for breaking Geno Smith’s jaw? New York copy editors who no longer have to spell Ikemefuna Enemkpali

Could have been worse ‪#‎49ers‬ fans, at least ‪#‎AldonSmith‬ didn’t punch ‪#‎ColinKaepernick‬ on his way out.

Bus to hell time. SF Chronicle headline “Homicide eyed in mysterious San Francisco dismembered body case.” Well, sure doesn’t seem likely it was suicide.

Eagles fans have started a petition for the Pope to bless Sam Bradford’s knees when he visits Philadelphia this September. Because asking for a miracle cure for the Phillies is above even a Papal pay grade?

The DOT says that passengers have filed 20% more complaints against U.S. airlines in 2015. The numbers might be higher if travelers were able to access the internet while they are in their seats stuck on the tarmac.

Give Donald Trump credit for one huge achievement. He made a blonde woman from Fox one of the most respected news people in the country.

A young Trump supporter in Texas referred to the Donald as “the Kanye West of politics.” More like “the Kimye of politics”.  With Trump you get both Kanye’s ego along with a big ass.

A mother was arrested for allegedly leaving her kids in car while she drank in a bar. Now police say she had her son, 4, blow into the breathalyzer to start the car. Thinking enough to be that creative but not thinking enough to call a babysitter and a cab? Even by Florida standards this is impressive. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

The DOT says that passengers have filed 20% more complaints against U.S. airlines in 2015. The numbers might be higher if travelers were able to access the internet while they are in their seats stuck on the tarmac.

11pm on a weeknight. Time to switch to Comedy Cellar for my Jon Stewart fix…… ‪#‎sayitaintso‬

Oh brother.

December 16, 2014

Jeb Bush says he is “actively exploring” a presidential bid after talking with his family over Thanksgiving. So is he serious about running, or just trying to prove he can use bigger words than his brother?

A source says Sen. Marco Rubio will run for President in 2016, even if Jeb Bush also runs. Two candidates from Florida in one national election. Even Jewish late-night talk show hosts are thinking “Thank you, Jesus.”

Some stories almost don’t need a punchline, but… NY Jets CB Josh Thomas tweeted that his playbook has been stolen. 1. The Jets HAVE a playbook? 2. The thief when caught will be tested for insanity.

 

The Chargers decided they will not relocate in 2015. In a statement “The team will not be exercising the lease termination clause and will keep working to find a publicly acceptable way to build a Super Bowl-quality stadium in San Diego.” Of course, what fans really want is a Super Bowl-quality TEAM in San Diego.

Meanwhile, once again, rumors are that Sunday could be the Raiders last game in Oakland. And many fans are thinking “Promise?”

A new poll by Men’s and Women’s Health found that only 37% of men and 48% of women think it’s cheating to have a Tinder account. So your chance of accidentally finding your significant other also online are better than you think.

It is wrong to take pleasure in the suffering of others. Nonetheless, this one’s for my fellow ‪#‎SFGiants‬ fans: The LA ‪#‎Dodgers‬ DFA Brian Wilson, and will eat his $9.5 million contract.

Jay Gruden has been told he will return as Washington’s coach next year. Translation, Dan Snyder can’t find anyone else to take over that mess.

 

The newest Heisman winner appeared on David Letterman last night and read “Top 10 thoughts that went through Marcus Mariota’s mind when he won the Heisman Trophy.” You can tell the Oregon QB is from the Pac 12. He can count to 10.

Yankees GM Brian Cashman, lowering expectations for A-Rod during an interview today “I can’t expect Alex to be anything.” Oh, I don’t know. A magnet for tabloid headlines seems a pretty sure bet.

In New Jersey, three elementary school teachers have been suspended and will probably be fired for having what they thought was a private email chat where they referred to their “moron” special needs students. Seems like the real morons here are any adults, not only for their insensitivity, but for thinking that in this day and age any emails are truly private.

Larry J. Cano, 90, has died,He founded El Torito restaurant, the first big U.S. Mexican food chain. In his honor, millions of Americans will toast with a sugary slushy margarita that few people in Mexico would recognize..

#‎whythereisnosatire‬ Ted Cruz apologized today to other GOP Senators for keeping them in D.C. last Saturday: “The senator acknowledged that a number of his colleagues had to unexpectedly change their weekend plans, and he apologized to them for inconveniencing their personal schedules,”

Ah, shutting down the government and, causing all kinds of people not to be paid, that’s not a problem, but “inconveniencing personal schedules” of mostly millionaires, that Cruz feels bad about. ….

 

 

Behaving badly?

December 5, 2014

George W.s’ daughter Jenna Bush Hager said in response to a question about her possibly fooling around in the White House: “You know maybe there was a little hanky-panky. There was like maybe a kiss on the roof.” Just guessing there won’t be any congressional aides telling Jenna to “show a little class.”

ESPN headline “Tiger 11 behind leader Spieth.” 11 behind doesn’t sound great. But guess it’s better than saying it another way, that Tiger Woods is last in an 18 man field.

 

Eagles coach Chip Kelly, dismissing rumors he might jump back to the NCAA. “I don’t think our pro offense would work at the college level.”. So how much did his Oregon Ducks get paid anyway?

A baby was born in Colorado that weighed 13 lbs, 13 oz. LSU coach Les Miles was about to offer the kid a scholarship until he learned it was a girl.

It’s been reported that Warren Buffett donated $25,000 to Ready for Hillary, a Super PAC supporting Clinton for President. With all due respect, isn’t that about Buffet’s average income from a single one of his accounts for 15 seconds?

 

Rand Paul is blaming Eric Garner’s death on the high NYC cigarette tax, because he says it’s driven cigarettes underground and “put our police in a dangerous situation with bad laws.” By that token how many deaths is he going to blame on drug and prostitution laws?

 

 

Ryan Leaf has just been released from a Montana prison after two years. Over-under on how long it takes him to get a call from the ‪#‎NYJets‬?

 

 

The Washington Post is reporting that coach Jay Gruden is “done” with RG3. Still another option for the ‪#‎NYJets‬?

 

UAB – (University of Alabama – Birmingham), is eliminating football. Because we all know the state of Alabama doesn’t have enough money to waste on the sport….

The Florida Gators have hired Jim McElwain from Colorado State with a reported 6 year contract. The deal includes a $7.5 million buyout, and $2 million for a future game that CSU will play in Gainesville. Given Gator fans’ expectations let’s hope McElwain is around long enough for that game.

Rumor has it that the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ are interested again in Melky Cabrera. So guess they’re done crying over spilled melk?

 

 

So Anna Duggar, 26, “reality show star”, is pregnant with her fourth child in 6 years of marriage and it is “trending.” This is news because the young woman herself is famous for no other reason than that she married into a family with 19 children…. ‪#‎Beammeupscottythereisnointelligentlifeonthisplanet‬

From T.C.  – one for my male readers –  “Pizza Hut is testing digital technology with an app that can predict what you will order by scanning where your eyes are looking at when you analyze their ‘electronic tablet menu’. Of course, it would always conclude that I want the waitress with the biggest boobs.”

A sight to behold?

December 3, 2014

In England, George Clooney made an appearance on Downton Abbey for charity.

Women get it. To explain this concept to men, this is the equivalent of NFL football with naked cheerleaders.

 

Boston’s Mass General Hospital is treating a possible Ebola patient. But of course, this isn’t making major headlines – since the November election is over.

 

Go figure this targeted FB ad, from Walmart, suggesting that you “not miss a minute of the 49ers game” with Walmart grocery delivery. What do they target supposed Oakland fans with? “Come stand in line at our stores and you don’t have to watch the Raiders game.”?

#‎BlackFriday‬ sales were down, ‪#‎CyberMonday‬ sales weren’t up as much as expected. Uh, maybe because the ‪#‎smallbusinessSaturday‬ and ‪#‎GivingTuesday‬ and the extended everything sales have made Americans think they’d be idiots to buy early?

The NFL is not apologizing for the St. Louis Rams players who came out with their hands up before Sunday’s game. The league presumably is still deciding whether they need to apologize for the play of the Raiders.

The underachieving ‪#‎SF49ers‬ are playing the simply awful ‪#‎oaklandraiders‬ this Sunday. Can we dub this the Grumpy Bowl?

Michigan is apparently firing coach Brady Hoke after a 5-7 season. The Wolverines really now might be a particularly good fit for Jim Harbaugh. If the situation you’re coming into is bad enough, no one cares if you’re an a**hole.

After security lines at Chicago’s Midway Airport stretched over a mile Sunday morning, TSA now said they made a mistake. They opened checkpoints at 4:00am, but due to the holiday, ticket counters had opened at 3:30am. Sort of makes you feel real warm and fuzzy about their ability to catch bad guys.

Veteran MLB umpire Dale Scott just revealed that he is gay and married to his partner of 28 years. Who knew, an ump turns out to be braver than the players.

NY Jets WR Eric Decker’s wife Jessie says her husband has been “depressed about the team’s season. And season ticket holders are thinking “HE’S depressed? We’re the ones paying to watch this sh*t.”

Rain has hit the San Francisco Bay Area so hard and fast that most networks have barely had time to have their reporters covering the drought over to “Stormwatch.”

Senator Rob Portman said yesterday he will not run for President in 2016. And most Americans said “Who?”

Not so silent majority.

November 6, 2014

Mitch McConnell claims that after last night’s election “The Senate is going to go back to work and actually pass legislation.” And somewhere Ted Cruz is just giggling.

So how long until Mitch McConnell figures out that it is now his circus AND his monkeys? ‪#‎Election2014‬

Sounds like I posted too soon on the 2014 election fundraising emails ending. Just got the first asking for money for a recount. ‪#‎itneverends‬

Chris Christie says he will make a decision “sometime next year” on running for President. Well, not sure if he can beat Hillary Clinton. But Christie is proving to be her equal in being disingenuous.

You think it didn’t matter if you voted? Right now the candidates vying for the last seat on Palo Alto City Council, candidates with very different views and “slates”, are separated by about 30 votes. In a city of almost 60,000 people.

 

 

Alex Rodriguez reportedly paid a cousin $1 million to keep quiet about his PED use. Well, that money worked out to be as good a value as the last few years of A-Rod’s own Yankees contract.

Alfonso Soriano says he is retiring from major league baseball. Most fans are shocked. Soriano hadn’t ALREADY retired?

November 5 was  one of TWO National Doughnut Days. The other is the first Friday in June. Figures, not like Americans could stop at just one doughnut anything.

A small plane with the banner “Fire John Idzik!” circled the NY Jets’ practice field for a short time this morning. Then the plane was presumably intercepted by another plane.

 

Ah, the holiday season is upon us. A Nebraska woman was arrested and charged with two felonies for allegedly hitting a fellow Wal-Mart shopper with her PT Cruiser last weekend, because the person took her parking spot in the lot.

And no doubt many of these parents voted. A Louisville TV station is reporting a local teacher resigned when her Catholic school requested she take a precautionary 21-day leave AND produce a health note from her doctor, because parents raised concerns about her mission trip to Kenya. (Kenya is 3000 miles from West Africa)

So according to her attorney the mother of Adrian Peterson’s son is happy with the plea deal and doesn’t want his career to be harmed by the child abuse case. Well, yeah, if for no other reason than she wants her child support.

 

The CMA awards tonight pre-empted ABC’s comedy “Blackish.” And co-host Brad Paisley said “If you were looking for Black-ish tonight, yeah, this ain’t it. In the meantime, I hope you enjoy White-ish.” African Americans might have been offended. IF any of them had been watching the CMAs.

Mark Sanchez says he is excited about his first start for the Eagles, which will be on next week’s MNF. Many Americans are excited too, some to see the Panthers win big, some to see Sanchez lead Philadelphia to a big win, and most just hoping to see another butt fumble.

Newly elected Utah congresswoman Mia Love is a major rising star in the Republican party. with her anti-immigrant, anti-birthright citizenship and anti-welfare stances. The daughter of Haitian immigrants, however, also said in 2011, “My parents have always told me I was a miracle and our family’s ticket to America.” Love has also said her parents came on a tourist visa and stayed.

Makes sense she’s a GOP star. She’s proving a woman of color can be as much a hypocrite as a white man.

Are you not ready for some football?

November 4, 2014

An increasing number of ‪#‎NFL‬ teams seem to be playing like they’re auditioning for ‪#‎TheWalkingDead‬

 

 

#‎NYGiants‬ new slogan? “We s*ck less than the ‪#‎NYJets‬.

 

 

Interesting matchup next Sunday. The ‪#‎SF49ers‬, who after their start are furious at now being 4-4. Against the ‪#‎Saints‬, who after their start are thrilled to be 4-4.

#‎NYJets‬ have a bye week. Which means that ‪#‎GenoSmith‬ will be about as productive as usual on fantasy teams.

A last thought about ‪#‎SF49ers‬ goal line debacle yesterday. Some wonder why Harbaugh didn’t give the ball to Frank Gore. And Stanford fans remember Big Game 2009 and the Cardinal having a Heisman level RB and a chance to win at the end. Harbaugh didn’t give it to Gerhart either. ‪#‎whatmebitter‬

Carmelo Anthony says that the Knicks are over last year’s “bad energy.” So that means NY is ready to create some new bad energy.?

A last thought about ‪#‎SF49ers‬ goal line debacle yesterday. Some wonder why Harbaugh didn’t give the ball to Frank Gore. And Stanford fans remember Big Game 2009 and the Cardinal having a Heisman level RB and a chance to win at the end. Harbaugh didn’t give it to Gerhart either. ‪#‎whatmebitter‬

Berkeley students are circulating a petition to get the university to cancel Bill Maher’s appearance at commencement. And somewhere the 1964 founders of the “Free Speech Movement” are weeping. Or they should be.

A couple was actually married on a Southwest flight from Nashville to Dallas this weekend. Wonder if all was well until the bride reclined her seat into his and the groom filed for divorce?

 

Red Lobster, which had added non-seafood items in hopes of attracting customers who didn’t like fish, is jettisoning some of those new dishes and adding more lobster. Makes sense. Because for those wanting mediocre chain food that isn’t seafood, the market is pretty saturated.

Governor Jerry Brown is expected to win re-election handily tomorrow, despite having barely campaigned at all. Of course, one reason Brown might be so popular as that Californians haven’t seen him nonstop campaigning and running television ads.

 

 

From Marc Ragovin  –  ” Kenyan runners Wilson Kipsang and Mary Keitany won the NYC marathon. Upon crossing the finish line, Chris Christie ordered them to shut up as he and Andrew Cuomo threw them into quarantine tents.”

If you’re reading this Sunday morning?

February 2, 2014

Aren’t you missing the Super Bowl pre-game show?

Although Saturday night in New York City, there are thousands of hotel rooms available for a reasonable price. Maybe the NFL is finding out you CAN lose money underestimating the intelligence of the American people.

Can we just play the game, please? Baltimore Ravens coach John Harbaugh said today he doesn’t believe claims that players smoked marijuana before the Super Bowl. Uh, and what’s he supposed to say, “Nah, we didn’t smoke, my guys prefer brownies.”?

It’s Groundhog Day! Where in Chicago if Punxsutawney Phil sees or doesn’t see his shadow Cubs fans know they have six more decades without a World Series.

Cal knocked off #1Arizona 60-58 tonight. Would the Golden Bears like to thank Stanford for wearing the Wildcats out Thursday?

Roger Goodell says he wants to increase the number of NFL teams that make the playoffs from 12 to 14. Because that would have lot$ of benefit$ for the league. Million$ of benefit$ no doubt.

A United Airlines flight from Dulles to Frankfurt had to land in Newark because of an unidentified odor. Are they sure the smell wasn’t New Jersey?

At a pre-Super Bowl NY Jets event, GM John Idzik and coach Rex Ryan said they support QB Geno Smith but also said they won’t tolerate behavior that embarrasses the franchise. Apparently the only acceptable way to embarrass the team is on the field.

There’s now a rumor that Mitt Romney may run for President again in 2016. If true not sure who’ll be happier? Hillary Clinton or comedy writers.

MLB has approved a new padded cap designed to protect pitchers from line drives, but the story is that players won’t wear them because the caps don’t look cool, and give the impression they’d be pitching scared. Thinking actually it would be a bigger sign of courage to send the message to kids “I don’t care how I look, I care about protecting my brain.”

Bill Maher “Now that liberals have forwarded their agenda by inserting a mass gay wedding into the Grammys, conservatives must match them tit-for-tat by having a mass shooting at the Country Music Awards.” Waiting for the first Duck Dynasty fan to stand up and defend Maher’s right to free speech.

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno has been getting some of its highest ratings ever now that Leno is leaving. Which might be giving NBC executives some second thoughts about turning the show over to Jimmy Fallon. Because before this Leno was only….#1 in the late night rankings? Oops, never mind.

Toronto mayor Rob Ford was just ticketed for jaywalking and public drunkenness in Vancouver. And reportedly told police officers he’d thought they were ‘cooler’ on the West Coast. You know, it wasn’t that long ago that most Americans couldn’t name a single Canadian politician…..

It’s only weird if it doesn’t work. The Wizards beat the Thunder 96-81 tonight, snapping Oklahoma’s 10 game win streak. John Wall scored 15 of his 17 points in the 2nd half, and said “I didn’t like how I played on the road trip in my white shoes, so I tried the red ones They didn’t work in the first half, so I got rid of them and went back to my old white ones, and they kind of helped me out. I’m kind of superstitious.”

The American Psychatric Association has now officially recognized “Caffeine Use Disorder.” A new study says for “some it produces negative effects, physical dependence, and can be difficult to give up, which are signs of problematic use.” What was their first clue?

Nightmare Belieber and a Homecoming Queen.

January 24, 2014

Justin Bieber was arrested this morning. So congratulations to all those who had January 23 in the pool. 

You think you had a busy day? How about all the comedians who had to dig up all their regular Lindsay Lohan jokes and had to cross her name out to insert Justin Bieber.

American Idol finally started making their early shows more about decent singers than train wrecks. Smart move. If Americans really wanted to watch a nonstop stream of overconfident self-promoting morons with no talent they could just stick with “Keeping up with the Kardashians.”

Commissioner Roger Goodell said, “if medical experts ever say medical marijuana would help with concussions then [he] would consider allowing it.” That stampeding sound you hear is NFL players racing to report concussion symptoms.

Today Virgin America apologized to QB Geno Smith after an incident at Los Angeles airport last week that resulted in being him kicked off a plane. Either the airline decided that the flight attendant over reacted, or they decided that playing for the NY Jets was punishment enough.

CNN Breaking News? “Bond hearing set for 1p for Justin Bieber?” Okay, in the “be careful what you wish for department’ maybe people should have been specific when they said “Please God can we get Richard Sherman off the front page?”

Richard Sherman appears to be on a one man crusade to see that 2nd year QB Russell Wilson will have ZERO reporters interviewing him, and asking constantly about how he feels about going up against Peyton Manning.

Eli Manning is apparently giving tips to his brother Peyton on how to play in MetLife Stadium. And that local knowledge worked out so well for the Giants this year….

A Seahawks fan in Washington chose 4pm, Feb. 2 for her wedding,, figuring that 2-2 would be an easy anniversary for her husband to remember. The wedding will go on, albeit with TVs at the reception, and no doubt guests checking their phones during the ceremony. Well, at least this is the kind of thing brides no longer have to worry about in Dallas.

On Super Bowl Sunday the NFL will not allow taxis and limousines to drop people off at or near Met Life Stadium. So for those without one of the few thousand parking places the only options are NJ Transit Trains, or Express Buses from one of several locations in the Manhattan area. Except that the bus tickets can only be purchased AT LEAST a day in advance, not on game day. What could possibly go wrong here?

TC, on the impending divorce of the Captain and Tennille.  “So much for “Love Will Keep Us Together”. Guess Toni figured it was finally time to “Shop Around”.

Not so dearly departed.

January 18, 2014

The Minneapolis Metrodome was deflated for the last time today, as a precursor to being demolished next week. “I’m really going to miss that place,” said absolutely nobody.

 

Meanwhile, Candlestick Park awaits its own demolition, probably later this year. But if they really want to give the place a fitting sendoff, perhaps the NHL might schedule there the Summer version of the Winter Classic?

Houston’s mayor Annise Parker, has wedded her longtime partner, Kathy Hubbard, in California. Texas law still prohibits gay marriage. But it’s okay to shoot each other.

Some talk that the French are becoming less tolerant because there is a fair bit of controversy over President Hollande’s relationship issues. My sense, not exactly…. but the French understand that their leaders are supposed to have affairs, not leave the First Lady over them….

 

 

“The Bachelor”, Juan Pablo Galavais, is apologizing for saying he didn’t like the idea of a gay or bisexual Bachelor because it would set a “bad example for children to watch” and that homosexuals are “pervert(ed).” He attributed the comments to a English as a 2nd language issue. But Juan Pablo was half-right, the Bachelor is a bad example for children to watch.

 

New Vanderbilt coach Derek Mason says he wants the Commodores to someday play for the Southeastern Conference championship. Making me think that he left Stanford with a prescription for medical marijuana.

 

For the first time in 28 years the Jamaican bobsled team has qualified for the Winter Olympics. Standby for fun, and for sled driver Winston Watt, 46, screaming “You punks get off my run.”

Geno Smith was involved in a dispute with a Virgin America flight attendant, allegedly over cellphones, and kicked off the plane. So much for all those who said the New York Jets wouldn’t be relevant in the postseason.

(My friend Jon N says “Looks like Geno’s got to focus on his ground game.”)

 

CNN reported that 66 out of more than 2,500 passengers on a four day Royal Caribbean Cruise to the Bahamas and Key West became sick with gastrointestinal issues- vomiting and diarrhea. Norovirus is suspected. But okay, 66 out of 2,500? Have to wonder how many of those folks have symptoms due to oversampling of the local beverages

The Royal not always known as Prince?

September 8, 2013

Prince Andrew was briefly stopped by Buckingham Palace police who didn’t recognize him on an evening walk through the gardens. Good thing this was England and not the U.S., so the Prince wasn’t accidentally shot.

A 107-year-old man was killed during a shootout with members of an Arkansas SWAT team last night. Sigh. Once again this is what happens when you have guns without parental responsibility.

Oracle Team USA has at least avoided a shutout in the America’s Cup by finally winning race 4. This is a tough one for many U.S. sports fans. With the natural inclination to cheer “USA USA” running directly into their natural hatred of Larry Ellison

 

115,109 fans watched the Wolverines beat the Fighting Irish last night at Michigan stadium. That’s  almost the average attendance of a couple of Tampa Bay Rays’ home stands.

Texas and USC, who played for the BCS National Championship in 2006, have both fallen out of the AP top 25 poll. Maybe they’re hoping for a rematch, in the Valero Alamo Bowl.

Wonder if anyone in the Green Bay Packers locker room made the mistake of saying before today’s game, “Well, at least this season we’re opening with refs who know the rule book?”

From T.C.   “Former NFL running back Ricky Williams is an asst coach for a college in San Antonio. Look for this team to run the Weed-Option offence.”

Mark Sanchez may have a torn labrum in his shoulder, which will not necessarily need surgery. And NY Jets fans are thinking “Rest, take all the time you need, years even…”

With Sunday night’s NY Giants vs Dallas Cowboys game have to figure 10% of Americans wanted  NY, 10% wanted Dallas, and the rest wish they could both lose.

Meanwhile, back in MLB, what happened to the “invincible” Atlanta Braves and Los Angeles Dodgers? Both losers of four straight….

Lost in the hubbub over the NFL opening weekend was the Reds 4-3 walkoff win over the Dodgers last night. When Brian Wilson walked the first batter in the 10th, and Cincinnati scored with a stolen base and a single. Ladies and gentlemen in Los Angeles, get your flasks ready.

NY Yankees win with walkoff walk after another blown save. Maybe even Mariano Rivera wants to be done with A-Rod after the regular season.

Not all in?

September 5, 2013

Many are still buzzing over why John McCain was playing online poker during the Senate hearing on Syria. Maybe because he couldn’t figure out “Candy Crush?”

Souvenir soda cups were sold at Notre Dame’s season opener with the words “FIGTHING IRISH” written on them. Who knew, the school had serious aspirations of joining the SEC?”

Ariel Castro’s lawyer said some might see his suicide as “a happy ending to this story. But we’re in a civilized society and no one should really be celebrating this.” Oh, I don’t know. U.S. taxpayers for starters?

 

The Chinese state media said the country needs to invest in promoting Mandarin, as more than 400 million Chinese are unable to speak the national language, and many in the country don’t speak it well. If they figure it out, maybe they can help America with our citizens and English?

 

A NY Post column today says “Can Jets win Super Bowl? Hey, there’s no law against it.” Last I looked there was no law against pigs flying either.

 

 

Oops. A Las Vegas billboard promoting UNLV athletics featured football coach Bobby Hauck alongside basketball coach Lon Kruger with the slogan “Come To Our House.” Except that Kruger left two years ago to coach Oklahoma. Why didn’t they just put up a picture of Jerry Tarkanian while they were at it?

 

George Zimmerman’s wife has filed for divorce. Suppose it would be cynical to wonder how much she was paid not to do this until after his trial was over…

 

 

Lamar Odom apparently checked out of a rehab center Thursday a day after he checked in for a drug problem. “Wow that’s fast,” said even Lindsay Lohan.

Really? At Mile High Stadium the NFL had Ryan Seacrest do a corny countdown to the beginning of the season tonight. Maybe that 30 minute lightning delay was God’s way of saying “I’ll show you some real ‘after the break.'”

 

Syria is a tough one. But regarding all the GOP members of Congress who plan to vote “no,” how many were in favor of going into Iraq? And can we remind them of this vote the next time a Republican president who wants to bomb something?

Decision time.

August 26, 2013

Going to be a tough call for what to do with Syria. But the GOP is certain; whatever President Obama decides will be wrong.

 

The Buffalo Bills signed Matt Leinart to add QB depth. Giving a whole new NFL fan base the opportunity to be disappointed by an ex-USC quarterback.

In some ways, Matt Barkley was precocious.   A  star USC QB who started disappointing fans before he turned pro.

 Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal on “Meet the Press” denounced some in his own party, saying “Let’s not talk about impeachment. Let’s actually talk about the policy we disagree with.” Wow. Is Jindal trying to be so reasonable he gets kicked out of the GOP?

Taylor Swift was caught on camera mouthing STFU towards ex-boyfriend Harry Styles at the VMA awards Sunday night. Can understand her animosity, but at this rate, Taylor’s going to have a hard time finding someone at these award shows who ISN’T an ex.

Does Taylor Swift go on Match.com and put as her number one criteria “Must be good songwriting material for after our breakup?

 

The Mets are out of it, the Yankees are barely in the playoff picture, and Mark Sanchez gets injured in a game where Geno Smith stunk. No pressure now, Eli. And how about those Knicks?

How embarrassing could Rex Ryan’s decision to put Mark Sanchez in in the fourth quarter of a meaningless preseason game turn out to be?

If it turns out Sanchez is out for a while and Smith is as big of a dud as he looked like Saturday, Ryan may start saying to the media “Enough. Isn’t it time for you to ask me about my foot fetish?”

The Arizona D’backs beat the Philadelphia Phillies last night in an 18 inning game that lasted 7 hours. 7 hours? Are we sure the Red Sox and Yankees weren’t involved?

Texas Senator Ted Cruz said today that he is “not convinced” that President Barack Obama himself wouldn’t defund Obamacare if Congress gave him the opportunity to do so. And up in Canada they’re thinking “Thank God he’s not one of ours anymore.”

 

Well at least ESPN is consistent. Headline from the Barclay’s tournament this weekend “Tiger Woods finishes tied for 2nd.” Gosh, did someone actually win the thing?

 

A Chicago Cubs batting weight was spotted today in the Pirates’ on deck circle today in San Francisco. Hmm, is that the reason Pittsburgh was shut out by the Giants?

 

Serious thought:  The minimum age to be charged with a crime in Louisiana is 10, so an 8 year old boy who shot and killed his 90 year old caregiver with her own gun was released to his parents. If we can’t change gun ownership laws, could we at least adopt the British rule of REQUIRING guns to be locked in a safe place – a gun cabinet or a safe? (And yes, British police can inspect to make sure this is done.)

Color me anything but blue?

August 24, 2013

Urban Meyer has forbidden anyone – fans, media, NFL scouts -watching Ohio State football practices from wearing blue. Since blue is a Michigan color. Really, I’d have thought Meyer would worry more about people upsetting the team by wearing orange – the color of prison jumpsuits.

 –

A $1 million winning New York lottery ticket from August 2012, will expire today if not claimed. And many of us are still annoyed at our moms just for accidentally throwing away old baseball cards and comic books.

Following up on that story of RGIII being fined for wearing an “Operation Patience” t-shirt in practice. Turns out the Redskins QB is a repeat offender; he was fined $10,000 for wearing Adidas clothing to a post-game news conference last December, and warned after the season opener for covering up the Nike swoosh on his warm-up shirt. The horror! How many offenses for a lifetime ban?

Derek Jeter will rejoin the Yankees on Monday. The team will be thrilled to welcome him back, if for no other reason than a headline that doesn’t involve A-Rod.

Geno Smith threw three interceptions today, Mark Sanchez might be injured. Well, Tim Tebow may be available.

Anthony Weiner was involved in a three carfender-bender this morning in New York. No injuries, and so far no word as to who might have been at fault. Not that we have any reason to suspect Weiner of doing anything risky with his phone.

Todd Gloria, 35, will be the new acting mayor of San Diego. He is young, attractive, and gay. Could women feel any safer?

In Slaughter, Louisiana, police said an 8-year-old boy intentionally shot and killed his 90 year old caregiver. The statement read ” Although a motive for the shooting is unknown at this time investigators have learned that the juvenile suspect was playing a video game, ‘Grand Theft Auto IV…” Got it, guns don’t kill people, video games kill people.

A new study says that on average, single men only wash their bed sheets four times a year. Wonder how many of those single men polled responded “you wash sheets?”

 

Perhaps I need a new contact lens prescription?  Saturday night I saw a 4 on the board in the #SFGiants column in the first inning.

The AP reports that a South Brunswick, NJ man, Mario Scarnici, has come forward with one of the three winning tickets sold for the Aug. 7 Powerball drawing, and will net $62 million after taxes. They add “A telephone number for Scarnici could not be located Saturday afternoon.” Ya think?

Send in the clowns.

April 30, 2013

And so it begins. Tebow is gone but NY Jets GM John Idzik said today that all 5 remaining QBs will have a chance to compete to be the starter. If this keeps up, Barnum and Bailey’s will sue the Jets for unlawfully running a competing circus.

 

From Lizz Winstead   “Dear Homophobic Male Athletes: Wake up. Where there are gay men, there are always a lot more women.”

Exactly. And they make great wingmen. And they’re the only teammates you can count on not to hit on your wife/girlfriend.

Then this line from Ellen Degeneres:  “Good line from Ellen DeGeneres about NBA center Jason Collins: “It was especially hard for Jason to come out of the closet because he had to duck”
Jason Collins’ former fiancee says she had no idea during their 8-year relationship that he was gay. Well, he might be a bit young for her, but Manti T’eo is available.
From  reader Maaj.  ” Obama called Jason Collins “courageous” and Clinton called him a “good man,” while Kim Kardashian called him her “greatest challenge yet.”
#WillieNelson is 80. So assume he is singing “To all the girls I loved before. Though I can’t remember who they are….”

QB Geno Smith fired his agent Jeff Nalley after he wasn’t drafted in the first round. Guess Nalley didn’t show him the money.

SF Giants come from behind 2-1 victory tonight. In about a third of the time the Oakland A’s took for their win last night.

Bill O’Reilly said that Fox News “stands alone here in bringing skepticism to the president.” Jon Stewart has reportedly sent O’Reilly a package of Daily Show chopped liver.

Mitt Romney gave a graduation speech at Southern Virginia University last weekend, and advised them to marry young and have “a quiver full of kids.” And presumably borrow money from your parents to help raise them?

Paul Ryan says he has changed his mind after voting in 1999 for a same-sex couple adoption ban, and now says he thinks gay couples should be able to adopt children. Translation, Ryan can read the tea leaves and is running for President in 2016.

Stanford QB Josh Nunes is retiring from football due to “pectoralis major tendon” injury when he accidentally dropped weights on his chest while doing bench presses. Over at the SF Giants, Jeremy Affeldt has been told to stay away from the weight room.

Two days until the Run for the Roses. Otherwise known to most Americans as their only chance to down several mint juleps in a day.

No better angels here.

December 20, 2012

If we have to live in a world where crazy people can get rapid fire weapons they use for mass shootings, can someone at least make sure these homicidal maniacs have the address for and directions to the Westboro Baptist Church?

A NASA spokesman says the agency is getting 200 to 300 people calling per day to ask about the end of the world. Darwin would be so proud.

Note in very small print on bottom of Starbucks’ cup: “Caution, the beverage you are about to enjoy is extremely hot.” Wonder how many people turn the cup to its side to try to read the message, and spill the hot beverage on themselves….

The Los Angeles Clippers have won 11 in a row. So how long until they get a season ticket request from Jack Nicholson?

Buffalo Bills’ center Eric Wood says the team’s annual games in Toronto are “a joke.” Fans in Toronto who watched the Bills’ latest drubbing responded “Back at ya.”‘

Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly won AP Coach of the Year. Stanford’s David Shaw was third. If the referees had correctly called that Stephan Taylor touchdown would the voting have been reversed?

Time Magazine has chosen the President of the United States as “Man of the Year.” I blame Obama.

The 49ers’ Colin Kaepernick was named the NFC’s offensive player of the week. Not to be confused with Mark Sanchez, who Jets fans consider the most offensive player this week.

from Marc Ragovin:   “So its Week 16 in the NFL, and the NY Jets have announced that they are benching Mark Sanchez. “What a brilliant move” said Week 4.”

A new British-American study said that sleeping pills like Sonata and Ambien are of “questionable clinical importance” because half of their benefit may come from a placebo effect. Great, one more thing to lie awake worrying about.

An unhappy Tim Tebow says he doesn’t understand why the Jets traded for him last March. That makes about 2,000,001 of us.

(and hey,   makes sense  to bench him if they were winning. But they sucked. At some point a rational man says “What the heck, how bad can it be?” This might be the mistake, assuming Ryan is rational.)

When you’re a Jet. (Or a Jet QB anyway.)

December 4, 2012

NY Jets coach Rex Ryan says he is undecided on next week’s starting QB, but insists he has confidence in McElroy, Tebow and Sanchez. Yikes. Has someone checked Ryan for concussions?

Only bright spot for NY sports fans Monday?    The Giants’ lackluster performance temporarily knocked the Jets off the front page.

Five BCS games. Only five teams in those games ranked in the top ten. And only one game with a spread under 8.    Guess that mean bitch karma isn’t a fan of  television networks.

The Mets are reportedly interested in trying to trade R.A. Dickey. But GM Sandy Alderson says fans should not take it as a sign that the team is pessimistic about their 2013 chances. Longtime fans are thinking. “The Mets had 2013 chances?”

 

 

 

Apparently Mitt Romney has gone back to work, rejoining Marriott’s board of directors. So President Obama’s job creation program is already working.

 

Kentucky’s men’s basketball team (4-3) fell out of the top 25 since John Calipari became coach in 2009. Calipari is so reportedly so upset with the team he might threaten the players with drastic punishment – like having to go to class.

Really? SI’s Sportsman of the Year is Lebron James?! Are they going to have a one-hour television special about how they came to that decision?

Derek Jeter has a broken ankle, A-Rod now needs hip surgery and will probably miss some of the 2013 season. Not saying the team is old but Yankees could end up wasting more money than a bad Medicare program.

A recent poll showed that Americans ranked Congress as second lowest out of 22 professions for honesty and ethical standards, higher only than car sellers. On the bright side, lawyers are happy to look good by comparison.

A New Jersey man will be arraigned today on the charge of  “destruction of an aircraft” after he punched and broke a window on a JetBlue plane when he was unhappy with his seat assignment.   So coming next, does this mean an airline  “window security” fee?

Serious thought for a change:  An aside to the gun control debate with the Chiefs player who murdered his girlfriend, maybe this is also time to both renew the NFL’s focus on concussions? And it is DEFINITELY time to do everything possible to destigmatize professional athletes going to mental health professionals.

 

Slip sliding away…

December 3, 2012

Sunday, the San Francisco Bay Area moaned about another day of rain.  And up in Seattle they are just giggling.

Duke vs. Cincinnati, Dec 27 in Charlotte. Supposedly in the “Belk Bowl.” But are we sure this isn’t a basketball tournament?

Kobe Bryant, after the Lakers’ latest loss to Orlando Sunday night: the team had “better make the adjustments they need.” or “I’ll kick everybody’s ass in this locker room if that doesn’t happen.” Hmm, maybe Kobe is angling for being the next coach after Mike D’Antoni?

Meanwhile, now playing in SF, quarterback controversy, act two…..

Watching Jim Harbaugh talking to the media reminds me of a cat toying with a room full of mice: The 49ers coach after today’s loss that there will be “no change” at quarterback but if there is a change, he would let everyone know….

Louisiana Tech (9-3), turned down an invitation to play in the AvoCare V100 Independence Bowl against the Univ. of Louisiana-Monroe.(8-4) Tough for Louisiana Tech players, but hey, what a nice break for some TBD .500 team that just missed the postseason.

A Sunday ad insert for “Bed, Bath and Beyond”  features “Waiting for Santa” pet pajamas, along with “one size fits all” antlers. The ad features a picture of a dressed up dog. Presumably because there isn’t enough liability insurance to have anyone risk trying to put that outfit on a cat.

Tim Tebow was declared “inactive” for Sunday’ss Jets-Cardinals matchup. And this was different from Rex Ryan’s usual game plan how? .

At the beginning of the year some said Tim Tebow wasn’t an NFL quarterback. Now we know Mark Sanchez isn’t either.

Northern Illinois is in the Orange Bowl? Hey, if they win will the Huskies get an invitation to join the SEC?

 

And back to politics:  Just wondering why since John Boehner is all about spending cuts, he’s not suggesting any reduction in military spending? (From Wikipedia – The U.S. DOD about 19$ of the budget 28% of estimated tax revenues. Including non-DOD expenditures, military spending was approximately 28–38% of budgeted expenditures and 42–57% of estimated tax revenues.)

Goodness has nothing to do with it.

November 15, 2012

 

 

 

Actual kudos to Rex Ryan, after anonymous players on his team allegedly said Tim Tebow would be a terrible QB: “If you’re not going to put your name to it, I think that’s about as cowardly of a thing as there is.” And really, I mean it’s not as if the players already haven’t admitted they are members of the NY Jets.

But really?  An ESPN report says than many players in the NY Jets locker room believe Tim Tebow is not very good. As opposed to millions of Jets fans who now have seen that Mark Sanchez is not very good.

 

US Customs agents announced that last month they confiscated 537 cartons of knock-off handbags, belts and wallets at the Port of NY/NJ, with an estimated value – if authentic – of about $20 million. So much for small businesses on Canal Street. I blame Obama.

The Phillies are rumored to be signing Josh Hamilton. Well, and what better fans to deal with a talented man with a very fragile psyche?

Yikes. US women’s soccer goalie Hope Solo married former Seahawks tight end Jerramy Stevens yesterday, a day after he was released after a court appearance for alleged domestic violence. (No joke.) Anyone want to guess how long this marriage will last?

Miami Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria was challenged on why he traded most of his stars so quickly after getting them in the first place. His response “We finished in last place. Figure it out.” And Cubs management said ‘You can do that?”

Paula Broadwell, speaking about General Petraeus in July said “It was my responsibility not to leak, not to violate my mentor….” Guess she didn’t feel it was her responsibility not to have her mentor violate her?

Senator John McCain, usually outspoken on national security issues, has been very quiet on the General Petraeus situation. Don’t suppose it has anything to do with the fact that McCain started dating Cindy when he was still married to wife #1?

So Nancy Pelosi is staying on as House Minority Leader. This is good news both for a lot of Democrats, and Republican fundraisers.

United Airlines is now offering their First Class international passengers turn-down service. For coach passengers, they are thinking of adding a surcharge to dim the lights at night after takeoff.

Charles Barkley said of Warriors center Andrew Bogut, “I don’t think he can ever play again.” Well, wouldn’t that be a shocker to anyone who knows Golden State’s history with draft picks and trades.

The Blame Game.

August 19, 2012

Both Mark Sanchez and Tim Tebow struggled at QB against in a pre-season game for the NY Jets against the NY Giants. “Bummer. But I’m available.” responded Brett Favre.

Paul Ryan just blamed President Obama for a Wisconsin GM plant closure that happened BEFORE he took office. Can’t wait until Ryan heads south and blames Obama for the federal response to Katrina.

IKEA is opening a new hotel chain. Kind of puts a whole new slant on making your own bed.

Police say a man was shot in the head during a fight in a parking lot near the Arizona Cardinals’ stadium while the Cardinals played the Raiders. Looks alas like even during exhibition games some fans are in mid-season form.

A United Airlines flight to Berlin returned to Newark,  after a possible engine fire during takeoff. Hope the airline credits passengers with the extra frequent flyer miles.

From Marc Ragovin:   Hall of Famer Eddie Murray has agreed to pay $348,000 to settle insider trading chrages.  Makes sense, since he is the all-time MLB leader in foul tips.

The Little League World Series is fun. But anyone who says it’s just about innocence and the joy of the game, has never been through the politics of All-Star team selections. (As a player or parent.)

Does anyone else with a twisted mind want to see Mitt Romney answer a question on what he thinks of Pussy Riot?

 

A 28 year old Texas high-school teacher was convicted on 16 FELONY counts of “an inappropriate relationship between a student and teacher” after a cellphone video showed her having group sex with five 18-year-old students. Most men hearing this story were appalled – “Where were these teachers when I was in high school?”

18 runs in two games – more than an average YEAR for the SF Giants at Petco Park. Maybe getting a star teammate suspended was what the team needed for a natural PED.

Danica Patrick ran over a shoe that ended up on the track in Montreal, and before ESPN thought to bleep it out,  radioed her crew about the resulting damage to the car – “My steering is [bleeped] up.”

ESPN apologized, but hey, a few more of those moments might really increase NASCAR ratings.  Especially with the all important younger male demographic.

Got to love USC #1 in the AP poll in their first year back from sanctions.  Aided by a top RB transfer from Penn State.

Okay men, laugh away. But I have fought the Ikea nightstand assembly manual, and won.