Posted tagged ‘sports jokes’

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Live and Learn. Or not.

May 31, 2013

Retired Army Gen. David Petraeus has a new job as chairman of NY investment firm KKR’s newly created “Global Institute.” Let that be a lesson to powerful men, screw around, be forced to retire, and make millions as a consultant.

 

Arvind Mahankali is this year’s Scripps National Spelling Bee champion. Presumably he won the contest by spelling his own name.

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Josh Sale, the Rays’ 2010 1st-round pick, just finished a 50 game PED suspension and was back in single A. Then he posted on FB about throwing “50 cents at a stripper tonight First time. Got kicked out and she got so (mad) thought she was gonna cry. Your a stripper. Be thankful.” Tampa Bay suspended him for “conduct detrimental to the organization.” A formal way of saying “for being a stupid douchebag.”

 

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From T.C.  “If Miami plays San Antonio in the NBA final, the biggest question will be: Which coach benches all their starters first, in order to save them for game 7?

 

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Not a bad line actually. But Ohio State president Gordon Gee, at a meeting where he wasn’t thinking that EVERYTHING is public now, was asked to respond to SEC fans who wonder why it is still referred to as the Big Ten with 14 members. “”You tell the SEC when they can learn to read and write, then they can figure out what we’re doing.”

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Mariah Carey announced she is leaving “American Idol.” The number one response “Please tell us you are taking Nicki Minaj with you.”

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The NBA handed out three $5000 flopping fines after Game 4 of the Eastern Conference Finals, including one to LeBron James. $5000!? That’ll teach them. Sort of the league equivalent of a quarter in the “Cuss Jar.”

 

–Mark Sanchez, on the team’s announced QB competition. “‘I’m planning on playing. I’m planning on starting.” Confidence? Or part of a plan to boost NY beer and drug sales.

 

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President Obama chose Republican James Comey as the new FBI director. Many GOP members of Congress are wondering if they can both praise Comey and block him on principle.

 

 

A serious thought on wiretapping, civil liberties etc. Everyone screams bloody murder about government interference in the lives of private citizens. And then when something like Boston happens, we scream that the government should have had them under closer surveillance.

 

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Over the line?

April 22, 2013

Reese Witherspoon arrested for disorderly conduct when her husband was arrested for DUI. Not exactly her best performance in Walk the Line

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Ok, this statement from Reese Witherspoon. “I clearly had one drink too many and I am deeply embarrassed about the things I said. It was definitely a scary situation and I was frightened for my husband, but that is no excuse. I was disrespectful to the officer who was just doing his job. I have nothing but respect for the police and I’m very sorry for my behavior.” What? No blame on someone else? How does she call herself a celebrity.

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T.C.’s comment-   “Apparently, Reese Witherspoon was beligerent when her husband was arrested for DUI. She asked the cop “Do you know who I am???” He replied, “Yes, you’re Al Michaels”.

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South Carolina’s 1st Congressional District hasn’t elected a Democrat since 1961 but Elizabeth Colbert Busch is now leading Mark Sanford by 9 points in the polls. Maybe proving that even though you can make all kinds of anti-woman comments, it IS just possible to be enough of a douchebag that they won’t vote for you.

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American  golfers Dustin Johnson and Zach Johnson have pulled out of the Ballantine’s Championship in South Korea this week citing safety concerns. Although with all due respect, the U.S. tournament this week is the Zurich Classic in New Orleans, where they are statistically more likely to be shot.

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After 11 NFL seasons, LB Scott Fujita announced his retirement today when he signed a one-day contract with New Orleans so he could retire as a Saint. New York fans immediately started pleading with Mark Sanchez to sign such a one-day contract with the Jets.

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Lakers’ coach Mike D’Antoni said L.A. needs Steve Nash to upset the Spurs. Now I like Steve Nash as much as I dislike Kobe. But to pull off this upset? I think they need the Nash of about 5-10 years ago.

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A new report published in Pedriatics says at least 30 teenagers needed medical attention last year after trying the “cinnamon challenge.” Which is trying to swallow a spoonful of ground cinnamon in 60 seconds without water. Great, just what we need – driver’s licenses required to make purchases in the spice aisle.

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NY State Sen. Greg Ball posted on Twitter that “who wouldn’t want to use torture against the surviving Boston terror suspect?” Uh, leaving aside the moral implications, and that fact that this is not a movie or “24” episode, could we at least wait and see if he answers voluntarily?

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SF Giants didn’t have a walkoff win until April 19. Now they have 2 in 4 days. Are they trying to become the official baseball team of Just For Men?

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There have been several flight delays on the East Coast due to FAA controllers being furloughed with sequestration budget cuts. Can’t we schedule these furloughs where they are most deserved – at whatever time members of Congress are trying to fly home for the weekend?

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From Terry Etter:  “Because the budget crisis has caused some air traffic controllers to be laid off, the FAA says we can expect flight delays of up to 3 and 1/2 hours this summer. So who knew that having fewer traffic controllers would shorten airline delays.”

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CB Darrelle Revis, traded from the Jets to the Buccaneers, promised that Tampa Bay “will make a lot of noise” in the 2013 season. Well, with Revis on the team “noise” is a given. Winning, on the other hand…

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Auburn’s AD Jay Jacobs responded to an online report that accused their 2011 BCS champion team of altering grades and bribing players by saying the article was full of “misrepresentations” and “is clearly flawed.” Hmm, does that mean there was a lot of stuff they missed?

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Move over Babe, here comes Barry.

April 10, 2013

If the National League had the DH, SF Giants fans wouldn’t now be enjoying the great slugging run of Barry Zito, currently batting .750 with three sacrifice bunts.

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Zito’s doing so well, MLB was about to check him for PEDs….  Until they noticed the radar gun and that 70mph fastball…

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Okay, it’s early, as of this afternoon  9 days into the season, the SF Giants’ Barry Zito has as many hits as the LA Dodgers’ Matt Kemp. (3.  Though Kemp got 2 tonight. Zito also only has 1 less than Josh Hamilton.)

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A University of California, Davis professor said in a presentation today that we need more research on hangovers. Sounds like the SEC has a new potential project for their football student-athletes.

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MSN reports that Carnival Cruise Lines has slashed prices for some inside cabins to $38 a night per person, barely more than the cost of a Motel 6. But of course at Motel 6 they promise to leave the light on for you.

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Taco Bell says they are going to provide “balanced food choices.” And that by 2020, 20 % of their combo meals will meet nutritional guidelines for calories and fat set out by the federal government. Which should thrill Taco Bell customers who care about that sort of thing. Both of them.

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Notre Dame QB Gunner Kiel says he is transferring to Cincinnati. In high school Kiel committed to Indiana and then LSU, before he finally ended up at Notre Dame. But now Gunner, who wants to start, is leaving the Fighting Irish because they won’t commit to him.

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Amazing, the same people who don’t think ANYONE should have a background check to buy a gun don’t want to let a sexually-active 17 year old girl buy her own birth control….

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Really? – Joe Paterno’s widow Sue, speaking at a child-abuse prevention program, says she and her husband had no idea that Jerry Sandusky was a sexual predator. Isn’t having a Paterno speak about child-abuse like having Mike Rice speak on anger-management?

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And we think Americans are harsh towards politicians. In England, while many mourn Maggie Thatcher’s death, a Facebook campaign, called “Make Ding Dong! The Witch Is Dead number one the week Thatcher dies”, has the Wizard of Oz song up to #3 with over 10,000 downloads in two days.

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Ouch. Poor Karen Carpenter is dead, but if not that American Idol performance from Lazaro might have killed her.

(on the other hand, Candice Glover’s “Lovesong” on Youtube is worth 4 minutes of your time, IMHO.)

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The #MiamiHeat beat the Washington Wizards 103-98 with James, Wade and Bosh sitting out. So will David Stern fine them anyway?

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Police said a Northern California woman used a stun gun today to break up a fight over a seat aboard a BART train. Cool, wonder how she is on obnoxious cellphone users…

 

The Washington Nationals’ game was delayed 20 minutes tonight because the umpiring crew was stuck in traffic. I blame Obama.

 

From Bill Littlejohn:  The Fenway Park sellout streak ends at 820.   Many Sox fans feel that the most signifigant sellout during the streak was when Damon signed with the Yankees”

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Job Creation?

March 9, 2013

Mitt Romney is returning to work, joining his son Tagg’s investment firm. Well, does President Obama get credit for creating at least this one job?

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The cardinals will start voting in Rome Tuesday to elect a new Pope.   The Vatican has announced that no Cardinal over the age of 80 will be allowed to vote. Guess this is the Church’s idea of a youth movement?

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The answer to “Have you no shame?” is sometimes “Yes.”: After President Obama signed the Violence Against Women Act.”. Sen. John Cornyn of Texas released a statement titled, “Cornyn Bill to Eliminate Nationwide Rape Kit Backlog Signed Into Law.” Now Cornyn’s Sexual Assault Forensic Evidence Reporting (SAFER) Act WAS rolled into the VAWA bill. Except Cornyn voted AGAINST it.

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A news report yesterday on Venezuelans filing past to pay their respects to Hugo Chavez said the leader looked “pale and gaunt.” Gosh, so this cancer thing could be serious.

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In talking about all the Yankees injuries, Derek Jeter said “it’s as if someone had voodoo dolls or something.” And in Boston they’re thinking “Who snitched?”

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From an Feb 2013 op-ed in the Washington Times about “my plan for comprehensive reform.” : “Border security, including drones, satellite and physical barriers, vigilant deportation of criminals and increased patrols would begin immediately.” The author? Rand Paul.

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An TSA undercover agent with a fake explosive device in his pants made it through two security checkpoints, including a pat-down, at Newark airport last month. On the other hand, security did find hundreds of four ounce shampoo bottles.

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Hooters is apparently trying to attract women customers by upgrading their food. Here’s another idea, add good looking scantily-clad MALE waiters.

New Math?  Got to love it, on the nutritional information label of a “Safeway Select” package of appetizers, it says “Serving size – 5, Servings per container – About 2.” Number of appetizers listed on the package, and actually in the container – 8.

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The U.K. Daily Mail reports that that in Montana, Gregory C. Rodriguez, the television host of “Rifleman’s Journal” and editor of “Shooting Times Magazine,” was allegedly shot dead by the husband of woman he was visiting…. Gosh, if Rodriguez only had a gun to defend himself.

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So the same week Joy Behar announced she was leaving “the View,” Elisabeth Hasselbeck was fired. Women are thinking, “Wow, wonder what happened.” Men are thinking “Who are these women and what view are we talking about?”

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From T.C.  ”

Queen Elizabeth spent the weekend in the hospital being treated for gastroenteritis, a stomach infection. Her Majesty still did what she gets paid for, sitting on the throne.

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Wurst joke alert.

February 28, 2013

Our long Wisconsin nightmare is over. The Milwaukee Brewers’ running Italian sausage, “Guido”, had been missing,, until two mystery men dropped off the costume in a bar. Wonder if they decided any plan to hold the sausage for ransom wouldn’t cut the mustard.

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A class-action suit claims Anheuser-Busch is watering down their beer. With all due respect, how would Budweiser drinkers know?

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Old 49er quarterbacks never die, they just move to Kansas City.

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A new company “Powerful Yogurt,” is trying to overcome the image of yogurt as women’s food by making a Greek yogurt “for men by men.” What, does it taste like beer?

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54% of California registered voters who responded to a recent Field survey supported legalizing marijuana for recreational use. Which is impressive considering the number of probable “yes” voters who just forgot to respond to the survey.

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Larry Flynt told “Hollywood Reporter” he has been working on a two year campaign to out a prominent anti-gay GOP congressman. Not sure who will be happier if he succeeds, Democrats, gays, or the nation’s comedy writers.

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The NFL says they are investigating reports that teams at the scouting combines asked prospects about their sexual preference. Have to assume that many of the young men involved if asked what their sexual preference was would simply reply “frequently.”

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Joint effort with my friend Pete Brody, who saw a man at Orlando International Airport with T-shirt saying “There are only 2 types of women: those who use brooms and those that ride on them”. Where is a crazy woman (or dog) taking advantage of Florida’s loose gun laws when we need them?

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Only silver lining with the Stanford men’s third consecutive home basketball loss  – 65-63 to Colorado – Wednesday night?  Doesn’t look like the players will have any distraction from final exams this March.

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Lane Kiffin said that if former USC QB Matt Barkley had the defense that Matt Leinart and Carson Palmer had, he would have won the Heisman Trophy just like they did. Hmm, and what if Barkley had had the head coach they did….?

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As the potential “sequester” approaches, NJ Governor Chris Christie criticized both parties for not providing “bipartisanship and leadership.” If Christie really wants to motivate folks in Washington, maybe he could just threaten to sit on them.

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Justice Antonin Scalia today referred to the Voting Rights Act as “perpetuation of racial entitlement.” And somewhere MLK is thinking “I have a nightmare.”

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Better line from my friend Todd Harris,  “Anyone notice that the Voting Rights Act is “out of date” because it’s about 50 years old, but the nearly 250 year old 2nd Amendment is ever current.?”

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It’s almost over.

February 3, 2013

Are you ready for some commercials?

 

Another reason baseball is still the greatest American game: Even with expanded playoffs, no two week delay between the ALCS/NLCS and the World Series.

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Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, rumored to be in line for a Cabinet position, said that he’s “flattered and humbled” by the speculation, but that he is “firmly committed” to staying in Los Angeles and finishing his term. Translation, Obama didn’t ask him.

 

 

The inventor of the Etch a Sketch has died. Have to assume Obama sent flowers. Mitt Romney’s advisor saying the campaign was “like an Etch a Sketch, you can shake it up and start all over again” might have won the President a million votes in 2012.

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Math joke for the night.  The joke being that this is real:  Great Safeway Club “special” today on “Fancy Feast Appetizers” cat food. Normally 5 for $7, Club Members only pay $1.39 each.

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Scandal in the U.K, where Burger King has admitted that some of their burgers contained horsemeat. McDonald’s at least is innocent, as no one has accused their burgers of containing ANY meat.

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Nebraska Lt. Gov. Rick Sheehy resigned today, after the Omaha World-Herald reported in the last 4 years he had made over 2,000 late-night telephone calls to 4 women (none of which were his wife) on his STATE-ISSUED CELLPHONE. Forget morals, this guy is too stupid to be in office.

 

 

Good news bad news for NFL fans. The bad news, after Sunday there will be no regular season games until Sept 2013. The good news, for the next eight months you don’t have to pretend you like guacamole.

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Texas Gov. Rick Perry said that the Boy Scouts of America should not soften its strict policy barring gay members, saying “to have popular culture impact 100 years of their standards is inappropriate.” Popular culture? Guessing Perry wasn’t exactly an avid student of Greek History.

 

Last thought for the night; if one were to start a rush to catch up on Downton Abbey with several episodes each weekend, it might not take long for cats to rush downstairs when they hear the theme song for lap time. Hypothetically speaking.

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The Shadow Knows?

February 2, 2013

So I’m a bit confused, if Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow today, does that mean we’re in for six more weeks of Super Bowl hype?

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Although really, aren’t the two weeks between the AFC-NFC championship and the Super Bowl just a media version of “Groundhog Day?”

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A terrified and disoriented coyote found wandering San Francisco’s Mission District is apparently recovering at a local wildlife center. City officials are warning people again not to trust ACME products.

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Get out the hankies and violins: Lebron James, talking about taking only $17.5 million from the Heat to help Miami stay under the cap. “Financially, I’ll sacrifice for the team. It shows for some of the top guys, it isn’t all about money.” Forbes estimates James earns $40 million per year in endorsements and sponsorships.

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Harvard University said that 60 students, including some athletes, were suspended over a cheating scandal involving a take-home exam. In the SEC football players are asking “What’s an exam?”

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In one of their upcoming Super Bowl Budweiser commercials, Anheuser-Busch plans to use a one week old Clydesdale foal. Even the Chinese say “that’s putting them to work a bit young.”

(open note to readers, dare you to watch that commercial without tearing up, seriously.)

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A line from one of the speeches made about Hillary Clinton on her last day as Secretary of State: “John Kerry has some very large Manolo Blahniks to fill.” Women responded “Hillary wears Manolo Blahniks?” And men responded “What the heck ARE Manolo Blahniks?”

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Uh, maybe he could have chosen different words: Tenn. State Senator Stacey Campfield says he wishes the gay community would just leave the straight people alone … saying, “We don’t wanna hear about it every day … quit trying to ram it down everybody’s throats …

 

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The Dow closed over 14,000 today. And down in La Jolla, Mitt Romney is looking at his portfolio and thinking “Hmm, maybe Ann and I should have voted for Obama.”

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From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg: “Not sure it was in the best sportsmanship how San Francisco came up with a motto for this Super Bowl” “The Forty Niners. We know nobody on our team killed anybody.”
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R.I.P. Ed Koch. How can you not love a man who referred to Donald Trump as “piggy?”

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Oh say can you almost see Opening Day…

January 5, 2013

Opening night for Major League Baseball will be on ESPN Sunday, March 31, with the Astros against the Rangers. Might be the only night of the year the Houston Astros are nationally televised.

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Turns out Rex Ryan has a tattoo on his arm of his wife wearing a Mark Sanchez jersey and nothing else. Well, this is an twist on the usual joke that a lousy player who’s still getting game time must have hidden pictures of the coach naked or something.

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Nancy Pelosi posted a picture of all the House Democratic women posing on the Capitol steps. But the picture included photo-shopped images of four women who actually hadn’t made it to the photo shoot. Shocking, Pelosi might try to doctor an appearance?

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These are not your father’s Republicans: Former GOP senator Chuck Hagel is reported to be Obama’s nominee for Secretary of Defense. And Sen. Lindsey Graham said on Dec. 30 there would be “very little Republican support” for his nomination.

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The Chicago Bears are now apparently interviewing Montreal Alouettes coach Marc Trestman for their head coaching job. So if he fails at getting the team to the post season will Bears fans blame Canada?

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Lance Armstrong is reportedly considering admitting that he used PEDs. What? Does he think it will help him get into the Baseball Hall of Fame?

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Chip Kelly is apparently close to a deal with the Cleveland Browns. Anyone want to start the pool on when the NCAA will announce sanctions on the Oregon Ducks?

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Although the Lakers made it close in the end,  watching Los Angeles Clippers turn “Showtime” into “Slowtime.” Or maybe the “Too-Late-Showtime.”

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A pilot for American Airlines subsidiary American Eagle was arrested before a flight from Minneapolis to La Guardia after witnesses smelled alcohol on his breath and he failed a Breathlyzer test. What next, a pilot sobriety surcharge?

(added my friend Walt Rau,  “He would have been sober in time for the landing at La Guardia. What’s the problem?”

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No better angels here.

December 20, 2012

If we have to live in a world where crazy people can get rapid fire weapons they use for mass shootings, can someone at least make sure these homicidal maniacs have the address for and directions to the Westboro Baptist Church?

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A NASA spokesman says the agency is getting 200 to 300 people calling per day to ask about the end of the world. Darwin would be so proud.

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Note in very small print on bottom of Starbucks’ cup: “Caution, the beverage you are about to enjoy is extremely hot.” Wonder how many people turn the cup to its side to try to read the message, and spill the hot beverage on themselves….

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The Los Angeles Clippers have won 11 in a row. So how long until they get a season ticket request from Jack Nicholson?

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Buffalo Bills’ center Eric Wood says the team’s annual games in Toronto are “a joke.” Fans in Toronto who watched the Bills’ latest drubbing responded “Back at ya.”‘

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Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly won AP Coach of the Year. Stanford’s David Shaw was third. If the referees had correctly called that Stephan Taylor touchdown would the voting have been reversed?

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Time Magazine has chosen the President of the United States as “Man of the Year.” I blame Obama.

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The 49ers’ Colin Kaepernick was named the NFC’s offensive player of the week. Not to be confused with Mark Sanchez, who Jets fans consider the most offensive player this week.

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from Marc Ragovin:   “So its Week 16 in the NFL, and the NY Jets have announced that they are benching Mark Sanchez. “What a brilliant move” said Week 4.”

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A new British-American study said that sleeping pills like Sonata and Ambien are of “questionable clinical importance” because half of their benefit may come from a placebo effect. Great, one more thing to lie awake worrying about.

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An unhappy Tim Tebow says he doesn’t understand why the Jets traded for him last March. That makes about 2,000,001 of us.

(and hey,   makes sense  to bench him if they were winning. But they sucked. At some point a rational man says “What the heck, how bad can it be?” This might be the mistake, assuming Ryan is rational.)

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6 1/2 more shopping days…

December 18, 2012

A Visa poll found that 16% of Americans have not started their Christmas shopping yet.

These people are called “men.”

 

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What many people were sure of before this season: Tim Tebow is not an NFL level quarterback. What even more people are sure of now: Neither is Mark Sanchez.

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The Detroit Tigers re-signed Anibal Sanchez to a 5-year, $80 million contract, and GM Dave Dombrowski said “He’s in the prime of his career.” Well, except how do you really know when the prime of someone’s career is? Usually when he’s past it.

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One good thing for New York sports fans Monday night… the Jets knocked the Giants’ lousy performance Sunday right off the front of the sports page.

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Dina Manfredini, 115, died less than two weeks after becoming the “world’s oldest living person”. Well, that might be the only title with a shorter average life expectancy than being #3 in Al Qaeda.

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Awful that he needed to do this. Awesome that he did it. Tennessee Titans RB Chris Johnson wrote the names of all the victims  at Sandy Hook school on his shoes for the MNF game tonight.

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Well, slowly our nation is returning to normal. Saw the first headlines in a few days purporting to have the all-important scoop that this time, Jennifer Aniston really is pregnant.

 

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So it didn’t work out for Colbert. But maybe Hawaii’s governor can now appoint Jon Stewart to the Senate.

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Bears LB Brian Urlacher complained yesterday about Chicago fans booing the team at home. Uh, Brian, there’s a way for the team to stop that….it’s called “playing better.” (or if you will, “sucking less.)

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Carolina Panthers coach Ron Rivera said he’s not sure if his resurgent 5-9 team’s latest 31 to 7 win over San Diego will save his job. Many Chargers fans are just hoping the game costs Norv Turner his.

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Pete Carroll ran a fake punt when his Seahawks were up 30 points yesterday on Buffalo. Did the now-Seattle coach think he was back at USC playing Stanford?

 

For those who say the Sandy Hook massacre might have been prevented if the teachers had guns to defend themselves – yeah, that worked out so well for the shooter’s mother.

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-“Our Bill of Rights does not guarantee gun manufacturers the absolute right to sell military-style, high-caliber, semi-automatic combat assault rifles with high-capacity magazines to whoever the hell they want.” This morning from that commie-pinko Joe Scarborough….

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To err is human, to forgive is divine profits?

July 7, 2011

 

 

So Nike seems to be into the concept of forgiveness and has offered Michael Vick an endorsement contract.  So when is Gatorade going to offer a similar endorsement deal to Brian Wilson?  Since he is only guilty of beating their cooler.

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The NBA, crying financial woes during their lockout, is disputing a NY Times blog post claiming the league is “fundamentally a healthy and profitable business.” Well, with all due respect, if things were that bad why would Joe Lacob have paid $450 million for the Warriors, one of the worst franchises in the league?

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Since the MLB precedent has been set for long names that accurately reflect a team’s situation, wouldn’t it be more appropriate to start referring to them as the “U.S. Bankruptcy Court Dodgers of Los Angeles”?

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Eliot Spitzer, who has been trying to rebuild his reputation after the scandal, has now had his CNN prime-time show cancelled. Well, maybe Nike will offer him an endorsement deal.

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Timberwolves forward Michael Beasley was ticketed for marijuana possesion and speeding in a Minneapolis suburb next week. He was allegedly clocked at 84 in a 65 mph zone. Maybe it’s a good thing he had the pot, otherwise Beasley might have been speeding at 100 mph.

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Lebron James is changing his annual bike-a-thon in his hometown of Akron, Ohio to focus on education. Here’s lesson one. If you grow up to be famous and have a big decision to make in your life, don’t announce it in a prime-time special.

 

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The 2018 Winter Olympics were awarded to Pyeongchang, South Korea. We know FIFA wasn’t involved as Qatar wasn’t even amongst the top vote-getters.

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A pet store in New York’s Greenwich Village has adopted a “no puppies for you” policy for drunks who have been at local happy hours. If a puppy buyer stumbles in and appears inebriated, store personnel  at “Le Petite Puppy” have been instructed to have them come back the next day when they are sober.

Shame the same standard can’t be applied before they stumble home and end up with unwanted pregnancies.

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Okay, who’s ready to join me in this pledge. And it’s okay to repost. “I solemnly swear, being of semi-sound mind at least, that I will not ever spend one nickel to buy any book or magazine or anything that puts money in Casey Anthony’s pockets.”

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Rush Limbaugh on the Casey Anthony case, talking about liberals – “when does the death of a child bother them? If the child had died in what, two years earlier in the womb, this woman would be a star, she’d be a hero.” Got to give Rush some credit, he makes Nancy Grace seem like a reasonable human being by comparison.

 

TSA spokesman Nicholas Kimball said today that passengers flying from multiple locations may encounter different reactions from security personnel because the agency intentionally tries to be “unpredictable.” Translation, when we screw up and miss something, “unpredictable” sounds better than “oh sh*t.”

 

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Augie says that Elton John, much as he did with rewriting “Candle in the Wind,” has answered the question of what the Queen of England should do singing her National Anthem.

Namely retitling the anthem “God Save All Queens.”

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Weekend follies.

August 16, 2010

A-Rod hits three home runs on Saturday, numbers 602, 603 and 604. Purists, however, say the homers should have an asterisks – they were hit against the Royals.

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Meanwhile at the PGA Championship, this great line from Marc Ragovin: There was a disturbing moment Sunday as Tiger Woods blurted out “[bleep] me” after making a poor shot, and 15 women came running out of the gallery

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President Obama’s Florida swim to prove the water was safe resulted in some mixed feelings from conservatives. Half of them said, “What a silly stunt, of course we know the oil won’t hurt anyone.” The other half said “Think he could go back and swim a few more times?””

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Tim Tebow fans are convinced that his seven yard touchdown run in tonight’s game proves he can be an NFL quarterback. Realists point out that it was on the last play of a pre-season game against the Bengals, which means he probably means he faced a tougher defense in the Sugar Bowl against the University of Cincinnati Bearcats.

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Are Las Vegas oddsmakers nuts? SF Giants are 6 to 1 odds to win NL pennant. Sounds reasonable but as of today the Mets are the SAME odds. Really.

When any reader finds somewhere giving 1-6 odds against the Mets winning the pennant, please let me know.

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Today was marked at Graceland as the 33rd anniversary of Elvis’s passing. Whats the difference between Elvis fans and New York fans? New York fans know the Mets are dead.
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Miami Heat forward Udonis Haslem was arrested Sunday for possession of marijuana following a traffic stop in Miami-Dade County. With all the expectations of Miami this year, let’s hope this isn’t the team’s high point.

Bizarre stat of the week: the item Walmart sells more of than any other is…bananas.

A few years ago, I was able to visit a Dole banana processing plant in Costa Rica. And the guide explained -off the record- that the biggest problem the plant had was no Costa Ricans wanting to do the work there, so they were overloaded with iillegal Nicaraguans who snuck across the border. Hmm, where have I heard that before?

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The ageless number 50.

June 17, 2010

Jamie Moyer on Wednesday became the oldest pitcher to beat the Yankees. For that matter, Moyer had his best day against the New York lineup since early in his career when he struck out both Ruth and Gehrig.

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How long has Moyer been pitching? When he started, the Yankees’ main rivals were the Confederates.

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Moyer has said he wants to keep pitching until he is at least 50. Which will make him the first pitcher whose number equals his average pitch speed.

The soft-tossing Moyer will never be accused of using “juice.” Unless it’s prune.

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Headline after Wednesday’s World Cup matches…

The pain in Spain is mainly from the game…

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New Orleans Saints running back Reggie Bush says the NCAA’s punishment of USC feels like “the closest thing to death without dying.” Great sense of perspective from a guy who plays football in a city still recovering from Katrina and now threatened by the BP oil spill.

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The NFL may expand its regular season from 16 to 18 games, and cut down pre-season matchups from 4 to 2. Which would mean the same number of weeks, but few meaningless games. Well, except for fans of the Detroit Lions.

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There are advantages to living in a country that doesn’t care that much about the World Cup. Instead of going into national mourning when our team gets upset or our goalie makes a mistake, here in the USA it’s “Bummer, what time is ‘So you think you can dance?’ on?”

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Tom Izzo decided to bypass dealing with all the difficult egos of NBA players and remain at Michigan State, saying that instead of coaching superstars “at the NBA level, I’m going to coach them in the NCAA.” And what he didn’t add, in college he will only have to put up with them for one year.

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So the Pac 10 decided to add teams in hopes of increasing television ratings, which will now mean all teams can’t play each other in one year, and they ended up with… Colorado and Utah?! Even Jim Joyce is saying, “Guys, you REALLY blew that call.”
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The additional of Utah was really a last minute scramble, as since the Pac 10 already had signed up Colorado, they needed some other Division 1 level team in the vicinity of the West to even out their numbers. Guess the Seattle Seahawks turned them down too?

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The University of Texas, after some serious flirting with other conferences, and having had meaningful discussions with at least two of them, now says they are “committed long-term to the Big 12.” Isn’t that kind of like Bill Clinton saying he is committed long-term to Hillary?

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Supervisors in San Francisco voted to require that cell phone retailers post the amount of radiatiion emitted by all the phones they sell. How about a notice saying “If you use this device while driving, bicycling or walking across the street, you probably won’t live long enough for radiation to be a problem?”

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From Bill Littlejohn, Chad Ochicinco said, “”I’m dependable like birth control, 99.9 percent of the time.” I think he’d better stay away from Travis Henry.

And my followup joke. On the other hand, Ochicinco has been offered an endorsement deal with BP.

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St. Patrick’s Day…

March 17, 2010

Where single men go out and pretend they are Irish, while also pretending that they don’t normally drink that much. Plus, since it’s March Madness, many of them will claim they know more about basketball than simply filling out random brackets. And then most of them will complain that “women don’t understand the real me.”

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So with all of these scandals, there’s one imperfect politician whose image might be looking a little better now… Bill Clinton.

Actually, in all seriousness Bill doesn’t look so bad anymore. A little garden variety tomcatting, no soul mates, no trips to argentina, no high priced prostitutes and no tickle parties. And no babies. As far as we know.

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Fascination-repulsion reaction to Rielle Hunter’s interview. Who would have thought Bill Clinton would turn out to been a better husband than John Edwards?
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ABBA was just inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. If Elvis wasn’t dead, this just killed him.

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Someone stole a truck in Benicia, California, containing over 1100 cases of wine, valued at $50,000. That’s $45 a case, less than $4 a bottle. Guess the police aren’t looking for wine snobs.

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From Ben Burnett:

A Montreal man the FBI once called Canada’s biggest movie pirate will be sentenced on Tuesday for illegally distributing copyrighted material on the internet…..the harshest part of his sentence calls for “Hannah Montana: The Movie” to be played on a loop in his cell.

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Definition of eternity – Brett Favre trying to finalize his NCAA tournament brackets.

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Inspired by a joke from Paul Seaburn – John McCain and Sarah Palin will be campaigning together in Arizona for the first time since the Presidential election. McCain was worried at first, but now has a plan to make sure Palin doesn’t say anything embarrassing. Before they hit the campaign trail, he’s going to make her wash her hands.

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Tiger Woods said he is returning to golf at the Masters next months. That’s fantastic news said CBS, all their advertisers, and absolutely none of the other golfers who have qualified for the tournament.

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I can see the headlines now if Woods has a decent first round “Tiger still knows how to put it in the hole.”

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More celebrity airline fares?

March 8, 2009

Continuing the follow-up to JetBlue “Manny Fan fares” (which are for real!)

Timothy Geithner fares- taxes optional.

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Alex Rodriguez fares – first class fares, generally worth the price until October.

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NHL fares – marketed in the U.S. and Canada, but somehow hard to sell in the States.

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Tiger Woods fares – only one potentially sold per flight. And then everyone else on the plane feels second-class.

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Hillary Clinton fares – round-the-world fares, spouses not allowed.

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Bill Clinton fares – sold in conjunction with Hillary Clinton fares. When your spouse buys a round-the-world ticket, you get a discounted ticket to a spring break hotspot.

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Nayda Shulman fares – groups only. Six is not enough.

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Detroit Lions fan fares – borrowing off the Southwest “Wanna get away” concept – valid football season only to anywhere NFL games are not shown live.
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Terrell Owens fares – marketed to big city big name destinations, but somehow you can only end up going to Buffalo.

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Joe Biden fares – a nice discount, but you have to listen first to a recording of a few rules and conditions…shouldn’t take more than an hour on the phone.

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Bobby Jindal fares -highly hyped but never got off the ground.

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Jason Mesnick – aka “the Bachelor” fares – one free change allowed.

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AIG fares – not that cheap to begin with, and then they keep asking you for more and more money to keep the airline aloft.

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NCAA tournament fares – announced the first week in March to 64 destinations, but there are always cities that feel unfairly left out.

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Newt Gringrich fares – the anti-bereavement fares – instead of flying to visit sick relatives, you flee away from them.

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