Posted tagged ‘Michael Vick jokes’

Swimming time?

September 29, 2015

The Dodgers complained that when they clinched in Arizona the Diamondbacks got upset when players jumped in the pool to celebrate. But the Giants are classier than that. Heard SF told LA if they clinched at AT&T Park, the entire Dodgers team was invited to jump into McCovey Cove.

Well, to be fair, this has been largely a AAA lineup lately for the ‪#‎SFGiants‬. And tonight looked like regressing to the mean.

Think what angered ‪#‎Madbum‬ most, those last two home runs given up meant he didn’t get another AB against ‪#‎Kershaw‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬

Last week, Donald Trump said he was boycotting Fox News. Tonight, he’s appearing on the O’Reilly Factor. Guess even the Donald knows there’s no such thing as bad (free) publicity.

A body was found wrapped in a plastic sheet on an Oakland street today. People say they have not determined a cause of death. Pretty sure we can rule out suicide. ‪#‎bustohell‬

Four MLB games tonight delayed or postponed due to rain. Well, cheer up baseball fans, due to the late start of the season to humor ESPN, maybe for this year’s World Series we could have games delayed by snow.

WTF? Jeb Bush says his tax plan will save middle-class Americans $2,000 a year, and “if a family were to invest the $2,000 they would save annually over a 20-year period and at compounded interest rate of 8%, they would accumulate a nest egg of $108,000 to help better prepare them for a comfortable retirement.”

8% compounded interest rate? Maybe Jeb hasn’t actually stopped smoking marijuana. ‪#‎andhessupposedtobethesmartone‬

More Jeb Bush, writing in USA today on his proposed $2,000 tax cut for the middle class: “Two thousand dollars is four mortgage payments for the median American household.” ‪#‎Yeshesaidit‬

QB Michael Vick, on starting Thursday in place of injured Ben Rothlisberger “This is a great opportunity for me because I don’t know if I’m going to have this opportunity ever again. ” Well, at least Vick didn’t say he felt like he was on a short leash.

Twitter is apparently working on a way for users to compose Tweets of longer than 140 characters. Joe Biden reportedly has just activated his account.

Carly Fiorina is already attacking the “liberal media” for accusing her of lying about Planned Parenthood and talking about an image that did not exist – “They’re trying to have a conversation about a TECHNICALITY (caps mine) about a video tape.”
Sarah Palin must be so proud. (Although she’s thinking, Carly, it’s “lamestream media.” )

A data scientist says he has found proof that Ashley Madison created 40,000 fake women’s profiles to get users into joining and paying for its website. And thousands of guys are now trying to convince their wives they faked men’s profiles too.

SMU’s men’s basketball team has been declared ineligible for the 2016 postseason and coach Larry Brown has been suspended 9 games for “multiple violations.” What’s Brown trying to prove at this point, that he can compete with John Calipari? .

Utah Rep Jason Chaffetz today went after Planned Parenthood president Cecile Richards about her $500,000 salary. Funny, never heard him complain about the $174,000 salary plus travel and other expenses that members of Congress get, or that $21 million (plus $19 million in stock) golden parachute Carly Fiorina got from HP.

The mighty, fallen and almost fallen.

November 4, 2013

After today’s Nick Foles performance, Michael Vick has to be very glad the NFL doesn’t treat QB’s who no longer are top dog, the way he used to treat his pit bulls who were no longer top dog….

Cowboys, at home, barely escape a 1-6 Vikings team. Going to go out on a limb here and say the 2014 Super Bowl winner is not going to come from the NFC East.

Good thing the NFL doesn’t use strength of schedule in playoff seeding. Because a come-from-behind win at home against a winless team probably wouldn’t have earned the Seattle Seahawks any computer ranking points.

You do think editors could have safely gone to bed last night having already posted the headline “Kenyans win NYC Marathon.”

A 7 year-old Virginia boy wore a KKK costume for Halloween. His mom actually made the costume for him, said he understood the risk of wearing it, and that it’s a “family tradition.” What’s scarier, that these people breed, or that they can vote?

Former Speaker of the House Jim Wright, 90, was denied a voter ID card because he only had a TCU faculty ID and an expired driver’s license. Sounds like the new Texas law is doing exactly what it’s supposed to be doing, making it harder for Democrats to vote.

As Sarah Palin continues to make headlines, it’s enough to make you long for the days of comparative oblivion of failed running mates like Lloyd Bentsen and even by comparison Joe Lieberman and John Edwards.

Embattled Toronto mayor Rob Ford, seen on video apparently smoking crack, now is apologizing for being “hammered” in public. And Bill Clinton is thinking, “I got harassed for my definition of what ‘is’ is?”

So the alleged LAX shooter, a young man who was apparently anti-government, is getting the best free government medical care now, and will have healthcare in prison for the rest of his life….

 

Charlie Crist, the former Republican Governor of Florida, will on Monday formally announce his candidacy to run again for the job. As a Democrat. Some criticize him leaving the GOP. But thinking, Crist, a moderate, has to feel the GOP left him.

From Gary Bachman  “Justin Bieber was allegedly seen sneaking out of a brothel in Brazil. With all the money Bieber makes, why would he feel the need to sell his body.”

 

Mitt Romney is now saying “They don’t come better than Chris Christie.”  Well, except Paul Ryan and all the others I put in front of Christie on my short list for a running mate.

Mitt Romney left Ted Cruz off his list of electable Republicans in 2016. Well, if anyone knows about unelectable….

 

Okay, creative readers,  this should be fun. Apparently Mitt Romney and his campaign internally referred to Chris Christie as “pufferfish.” Any guesses as to what nickname Christie might have for Romney?

Disasters and beyond.

August 30, 2011

Not saying things have gone from bad to worse with the San Francisco Giants. But their lineup was just declared eligible for federal disaster relief.


SF Giants star prospect Gary Brown was named the Calfornia League player of the week, going 17 for 30 at the plate for San Jose. Trying to remember the last time the SF Giants got 17 hits in a week….

Randy Wells of the Chicago Cubs had a 5.53 ERA this year and had never thrown a shutout in his professional career. Tonight he tosses complete game two hit shutout against the San Francisco Giants. What more do you need to know about the Giants’ 2011 season?

SF Giants are hoping to improve their woeful offense when rosters expand Sept 1. Wonder if any of the stars from the Huntington Beach Little League World Series champions are available.

Anyone else notice that headlines indicating “Hurricane Irene wasn’t nearly as bad as expected” usually translate to “New York City didn’t get much damage?”

No, it’s not your imagination, those lines and hold times are getting longer:

According to the NY Times, quoting Federal Transportation statistics, U.S. airlines had 637,000 employees in 2001 but only 474,000 in June 2011.

But in the airlines’ defense, they say that of those employees who work in reservations, at least a dozen speak English.

ABC News reports that Warren Jeffs, the polygamous sect leader and convicted child rapist, is in a coma and may not survive. “That’s really a shame,” said absolutely nobody.


The new lineup is out for “Dancing with the Stars.” Two names on the list: Kim Kardashian’s brother Rob, and political pundit Nancy Grace.

So we are about to find out the answer to that rhetorical question – “Could reality TV possibly get any more annoying?”

My friend Andy reports a sighting in Columbus, of an Ohio State t-shirt stating “WTF” on the front. And “Lost the vest, still better than the rest” on the back.

“Lost” the vest? At OSU? Nah, sold it more likely. Or traded it for tattoos.


A male fan was knocked unconscious when he fell in a stairwell at Rangers Ballpark. Many have assumed it was alcohol related but the Texas Rangers for now are not giving out any information. Of course, this is the team formerly owned by George W. Bush. It could have been a pretzel.


Michael Vick and the Philadlephia Eagles have apparently agreed to a six-year, $100 million contract. Wonder how much that is in dog years.

This just in: Michele Bachmann’s campaign now says she was only joking when she described Hurricane Irene the D.C earthquake as a warning from God.
This also just in: God says He was only joking when he sent us Michele Bachmann.

To err is human, to forgive is divine profits?

July 7, 2011

 

 

So Nike seems to be into the concept of forgiveness and has offered Michael Vick an endorsement contract.  So when is Gatorade going to offer a similar endorsement deal to Brian Wilson?  Since he is only guilty of beating their cooler.

The NBA, crying financial woes during their lockout, is disputing a NY Times blog post claiming the league is “fundamentally a healthy and profitable business.” Well, with all due respect, if things were that bad why would Joe Lacob have paid $450 million for the Warriors, one of the worst franchises in the league?

Since the MLB precedent has been set for long names that accurately reflect a team’s situation, wouldn’t it be more appropriate to start referring to them as the “U.S. Bankruptcy Court Dodgers of Los Angeles”?

Eliot Spitzer, who has been trying to rebuild his reputation after the scandal, has now had his CNN prime-time show cancelled. Well, maybe Nike will offer him an endorsement deal.

Timberwolves forward Michael Beasley was ticketed for marijuana possesion and speeding in a Minneapolis suburb next week. He was allegedly clocked at 84 in a 65 mph zone. Maybe it’s a good thing he had the pot, otherwise Beasley might have been speeding at 100 mph.

Lebron James is changing his annual bike-a-thon in his hometown of Akron, Ohio to focus on education. Here’s lesson one. If you grow up to be famous and have a big decision to make in your life, don’t announce it in a prime-time special.

 

The 2018 Winter Olympics were awarded to Pyeongchang, South Korea. We know FIFA wasn’t involved as Qatar wasn’t even amongst the top vote-getters.

A pet store in New York’s Greenwich Village has adopted a “no puppies for you” policy for drunks who have been at local happy hours. If a puppy buyer stumbles in and appears inebriated, store personnel  at “Le Petite Puppy” have been instructed to have them come back the next day when they are sober.

Shame the same standard can’t be applied before they stumble home and end up with unwanted pregnancies.

 

Okay, who’s ready to join me in this pledge. And it’s okay to repost. “I solemnly swear, being of semi-sound mind at least, that I will not ever spend one nickel to buy any book or magazine or anything that puts money in Casey Anthony’s pockets.”

Rush Limbaugh on the Casey Anthony case, talking about liberals – “when does the death of a child bother them? If the child had died in what, two years earlier in the womb, this woman would be a star, she’d be a hero.” Got to give Rush some credit, he makes Nancy Grace seem like a reasonable human being by comparison.

 

TSA spokesman Nicholas Kimball said today that passengers flying from multiple locations may encounter different reactions from security personnel because the agency intentionally tries to be “unpredictable.” Translation, when we screw up and miss something, “unpredictable” sounds better than “oh sh*t.”

 

Augie says that Elton John, much as he did with rewriting “Candle in the Wind,” has answered the question of what the Queen of England should do singing her National Anthem.

Namely retitling the anthem “God Save All Queens.”

Games of the weak.

May 15, 2011

 Let’s see, who was on the the Fox MLB Game of the Week this Saturday?   And who’s on the ESPN Sunday Night Game of the Week?  Red Sox-Yankees. I am shocked, shocked….

The Giants’ Miguel Tejada, hitting just under .200, and about .150 with runners in scoring position,  had a bat fly out of his hands and land in the stands at Wrigley Field Saturday.  Pretty valuable souvenir.  As the bat was basically unused.

Pete Rose still wants to get back into baseball. And said “I want to be a manager, that’s the only role.” In fact, he’s so sure he could get a team into the playoffs he’d offer any team who hires him double or nothing.

Chad Billingsley of the Los Angeles Dodgers threw a one-hitter tonight, and lost. Okay, let’s be honest ,San Francisco Giants fans, the way the bats are going didn’t you think the first one to do that this year would be Madison Bumgarner or Matt Cain?

The Tampa Bay Lightning beat the Boston Bruins in game one of the NHL Eastern Conference finals. If the Lightning end up in the Stanley Cup finals against the Vancouver Canucks, television stations in the U.S. may wish they were airing something more enticing to the average American viewer, like replays of Major League Soccer.

Former NHL player and ESPN hockey analyst Matthew Barnaby spent the night in jail and pleaded not guilty Saturday to domestic violence charges stemming from an argument with his estranged wife. Many sports fans were shocked – ESPN has a hockey analyst?

Great stat from SF Giants beat writer Henry Schulman: The Giants were the first MLB team EVER to sweep a homestand of six games or more without scoring four runs or more in any game.

A North Carolina man was released from jail after a state lab discovered that an enzyme found in cheese had triggered false drug test results. Look for a whole new crop of professional athletes to appear in “Got Milk?” ads.

Michael Vick has accepted an invitation from a group of five Philadelphia schools for “at-risk” youth to be their commencement speaker. Assume the Eagles quarterback won’t tell them that it’s a “dog-eat-dog” world out there.

Newt Gingrich says Obama is a “food-stamp” president. Just wonder, if it were up to Newt with alimony, how many of his former wives would be on food stamps?

Dogging it?

February 17, 2011

Michael Vick has just backed out of a scheduled interview next week with Oprah Winfrey for “personal reasons.” Well, better that than saying he was “dog tired.” 

Who’d a thunk it – the “cure” for the woeful Cleveland Cavaliers in 2011 might just turn out to be playing a team from Los Angeles?

(The Cavs only broke their 26 game losing streak in overtime last week against the Clippers.  But they beat the Lakers 104-99 in regulation.)

Lance Armstrong has announced his second retirement, and says this one is final. “Amateur” scoffed Brett Favre.

Those end of season home football losses to Stanford and Washington really stung Cal last year and knocked the Bears out of a bowl. So does that explain Cal’s decision to fill a hole in their schedule on Sept 17 at AT&T Park with Presbyterian College of Clinton, S.C.?

A San Francisco student’s research indicates that car thefts and burglaries in the city went down considerably in October 2010 from 2009. She believes this wasbecause of the Giants playoff run. Notonly were people happy. But the streets were less empty,  thus affording less opportunity for thieves to break in without being seen.

Guess this means it was business as usual for car thieves in Chicago.

Last advice from Randy Jackson to American Idol contestants tonight. “Don’t forget the lyrics.” Indeed, or else you could end up at some football game singing the National Anthem in front of millions of people.

Herman Cain (I know, “who”?) the first Republican to open a presidential exploratory committee, said in a speech to the CPAC – “Stupid people are ruining America.”

“Ruining America?”  What, so instead we should elect a stupid person to run America? Tried that, didn’t work.

Actual serious travel rant: So United Airlines had to temporarily ground all their 757s for overlooked maintenance issues.  Now if you have a problem that means you can’t make a flight you pay $150 plus fare difference. How come the airline wasn’t paying ticketed passengers $150 for the flights THEY had to change?.

Michele Bachman is upset because the IRS says breast pumps (to aid in breast feeding) are tax deductible, saying it’s too much government outreach into our personal lives. Really. Where’s her outrage over being able to deduct a Viagra prescription?

Tacky time

December 10, 2010

 The Philadelpha Eagles are complaining that other teams aren’t being penalized for illegal hits on Michael Vick. But really, should they be surprised? It’s a “dog eat dog” world.

One little potential sidelight of the Orange Bowl, by the way, is that the Stanford band will have an opportunity to do a halftime show while playing Vick’s alma mater, Virginia Tech.  I’m sure if they choose to honor Vick it will be done in a tasteful fashion.

Alex Smith of the San Francisco 49ers said in an interview he still believes he’s a good quarterback. Even Sarah Palin said “That man is seriously delusional.”

The University of Texas paid football coach Mack Brown over $5 million this year. And the Longhorns won exactly five games. Wow.  Maybe this is the guy who should be coaching the 49ers and Alex Smith.

$1 million dollars a victory. That’s actually less than what the San Francisco Giants have paying Barry Zito.

That fired Macy’s Santa from San Francisco, (who was  fired for telling a very mildly risque joke to an older adult couple who wanted to sit on his lap)  has become an international sensation.  Newspapers and media outlets from all over the world are picking up the story. And tonight, Santa, aka John Toomey, appeared on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno.

Apparently current day Macy’s executives learned NOTHING from watching “Miracle on 34th Street.”  .

(for anyone who hasn’t heard the joke, it’s retold at the bottom of this blog.)

– 

So DADT failed on the floor of the Senate Thursday because “only” 57 Senators wanted to bring it to a vote. Uh, maybe I’m wrong but I thought part of what our military has been fighting for is the right to have a majority-rule democracy.

Derek Fisher made a last-second layup for the Lakers to beat the Clippers 87-86.  A buzzer-beater against the Clippers? Shouldn’t that have an asterisk?

We’re less than a week from the end of the college football season, and a month away from the end of the bowl season. And so far Iowa’s WR Derrell Johnson Koulianos and Nebraska’s DT Baker Steinkuhler have been arrested. Disappointing on some level but good news for all those who took “over” in the police blotter pool.

You cannot make this stuff up: I received an email on behalf of two cruise clients from Princess Cruises warning that their immigration information was not complete and they would not be able to board. Turns out they had passport, birthdates, etc, all fine, but the missing information was that they forgot to say Mr. Scott X is male, and Mrs. Sarah X is female.

Thought from Bill Littlejohn: “The first seven minutes of the men’s college basketball game between Illinois and Oakland was reportedly mistakenly played with a womens ball.Actually, it was a men’s ball that had been mistakenly stored in the Colorado Rockies’ humidor” 
 

(Wonder how they could tell they had the women’s ball. The ref’s first clue might have been that the players were actually passing it.)

The joke that got Santa fired at Macy’s, which he said he never told to children, was that the reason Santa is so jolly is that “he knows where all the naughty boys and girls live.”

By a nose.

November 8, 2010

Super horse Zenyetta failed in her attempt to be the first racehorse in modern history to go 20-0 when she lost her final race, the Breeder’s Cup Classic, by a nose.   But to be fair, the 6 year old filly was running against 13 colts, and was running on an unfamiliar track in her first race at Churchill Downs.  Zenyetta was probably the only one who stopped to ask for directions.

Speaking of by a nose, the Oakland Raiders and New York Jets both won in overtime. What’s the more shocking  story, that the Raiders actually had sold out their game against the Kansas City Chiefs?  Or that it took overtime for the Jets to beat the Detroit Lions.

This is not a typo. Stanford is #6 in the latest BCS rankings. Yes, football.

What a great week for Northern California sports fans. The Giants win the World Series, Stanford’s football team is ranked #6 in the country, even the Raiders and Warriors are winning.

And oh yeah, for the capper, the 49ers had a bye week.

The Philadelphia Eagles upset the Indianapolis Colts 26-24, aided by an amazing 32 yard sprint from scrimmage by Michael Vick. I suppose it would be tacky to say he ran as if the hounds of hell were after him.

MSNBC executives have decided two days was an “appropriate punishment’, so Keith Olbermann will be back on the air on Tuesday. Some of Olbermann’s supporters are so excited they may actually watch his show.

In the California gubernatorial election, Jerry Brown spent $7.50 per vote. Meg Whitman spent $43 per vote. Just another example of why you can’t trust Republicans to spend responsibly.

More than one domestic airline today reported problems ranging from  with online checkin to on-time departures because of the change away from Daylight Savings Time.  Yeah, I can see how that would just sneak up on them.

The airlines hope to have all the problems corrected in time for the change BACK to Daylight Saving Time in Spring. For which they will charge a modest “time change fee.”

Republican senate leader Mitch McConnell said that Republicans want to cut federal spending, but that it won’t be effective to cut “earmarks,” the practice of slipping funding requests for home-state projects into legislation. Translation, none of us want to cut spending that actually benefits our OWN state.

Stanford’s football team  is now ranked #6 in the BCS standings.  But due to a deal made by the folks in Pasadena, (whereby the Rose Bowl, this year only, has to take a top ranked nonconference team if they don’t make it to the national championship, ) the Cardinal could lose out to TCU or Boise State for the Rose Bowl.

And while there are three other BCS bowls, the Sugar, Fiesta and Orange Bowls, since they can choose one team each, they would likely bypass Stanford and  choose lower ranked marquee name teams .

So all this means  Stanford could win out, be ranked #3 in the country, and end up at the Alamo Bowl. Just in case you didn’t hate the BCS already.

Magic number zero.

October 4, 2010

This is a crappy picture, so maybe it’s only worth 500 words… but.

(taken at A T and T Park about two minutes after the Giants clinched the Western Division.)


An interesting question for San Francisco Bay Area sports fans… who is crazier? Giants closer Brian Wilson or Stanford coach Jim Harbaugh?


The Pittsburgh Pirates are apparently about to fire manager John Russell after another losing season. But is this really fair? It’s hard to compete with a team where the average player makes less per year than Reggie Bush did at USC.


And then there’s Seattle, where the Mariners lost 101 games. According to reader Gary Morton, “They’re so bad, they’ve already been mathematically eliminated from next year’s race.”


In fact while SF fans justifiably have learned to love the phrase “Giants baseball – torture,” Mariners fans have had to take it to a whole new level. Last week they even managed to lose on a walk-off strikeout.

Not a misprint. With a runner on first and two outs in the bottom of the ninth in a tie game against the Texas Rangers, reliever Dan Corts struck out pinch-hitter Nelson Cruz. But the ball got past the catcher, Guillermo Quoriz, and his attempted throw to get Cruz at first base went into right field, enabling the runner on first to come all the way around to score the winning run.

Now THAT’S torture.

Even if Michael Vick is ready to play again next Sunday after today’s injury, Kevin Kolb may have played well enough to reclaim the Eagles’ starting QB job. What can Vick say? He knows it’s a dog-eat-dog world.

A Wells Fargo Bank executive acknowledged that he simply relied on co-workers and assumed that information in foreclosure documents was correct. So he hecked only the dates on up to 150 foreclosure documents he signed every day.

Yeah, why shouldn’t he trust fellow bank employees? It’s not like they’ve made any other lending mistakes over the years…. Oops, never mind.


Do not adjust your sets – The last undefeated team in the NFL is indeed the Kansas City Chiefs. (Whose next win will equal their 2009 total of 4.)


Lindsay Lohan has entered rehab, again. Not saying she’s not living in the real world but rumor has it Lindsay if she would be cured in time to go to a USC bowl game.

Winners and losers.

September 23, 2010

So Michael Vick will be the starting quarterback this Sunday for the Eagles. Well, Philly fans are famous for once booing Santa Claus, but whatever happens this week at least they won’t be able to say their team has gone to the dogs.


KFC is going to pay female college students to wear fitted sweatpants with ads for “Double Down” on their rear ends. Maybe this is a bit unclear on the concept; “Double Down” is KFC’s bunless sandwich.


What’s the subtitle on this ad campaign. If the wording is readable, either you’re “too damn close,” or the wearer has had a few too many Double Downs?

Starbucks is apparently hiking prices on some of their fancier drinks due to the soaring price of coffee. (The basic “tall” regular coffee price will remain unchanged.) Are they just a bit unclear on the concept? The fanciest mixed drinks probably have the smallest percentage of actual coffee.

Getting pretty tired of this headline – “(fill in name of journeyman pitcher) shuts out SF Giants in best pitching start of year.”

A little more salt in the wound for all those SF Giants fans (like me) who haven’t gotten over the Joe Nathan for A.J. Pierzynski trade. A throw-in in that trade, Francisco Liriano, is now is 14-8 with a 3.44 ERA, and will be starting game one of the playoffs for the Twins.

But it could be worse: Hard to believe that a month ago the St. Louis Cardinals looked like a lock for the postseason. Now they’re eight games behind the Reds and well out of the wild card picture. Manager Tony LaRussa’s popularity has fallen faster than anyone who hasn’t taken their talents to South Beach.

Travel rant and there ought to be a law department: Three clients forwarded me a triple miles special offer from United Airlines today between LA or SF and JFK between now and the end of 2010.

Just one catch, the lowest “qualifying” fare is $1573 roundtrip, when United’s fares in those markets start under $300 roundtrip

Sarah Palin has a new video advertisement promoting herself as a leader of the Tea Party movement. Actually, I think she is really a leader of the Sarah Palin movement.-


A long-time cocaine smuggling ring was apparently broken up when one of the participants ended up having to check his carry-on bag, containing 41 pounds of cocaine, with Southwest Airlines and the airline temporarily misplaced the bag.

No word on what tipped DEA (Drug Enforcement Agency) officials off, but the gentleman in question is now in custody. He also now may have the record for the most expensive free checked bag in history.



A Florida appeals court struck down the state’s ban on gay couples adopting children. The Department of Children and Familes had argued that there was “a rational basis for the prohibition on homosexual adoption because children will have better role models” with a father and mother in the picture.

Right, I would like to see some explain how a long-married gay couple could be worse role models for children than Bristol Palin and Levi Johnson. (Or for that matter, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline… Or Jon and Kate.)