Posted tagged ‘DWTS jokes’

Out of their league?

March 29, 2016

Nice “aww” story, A young boy ran on the basketball court in New Orleans to give Carmelo Anthony a hug. Of course, it could have ended badly – the kid could have dunked on the Knicks.

 

UConn women’s basketball team is so dominant, that it’s become controversial whether or not they are good for the sport. Perhaps after the season the Lady Huskies should be forced to play a team more on their level – like the Lakers. (or Knicks or Lakers)

The Pelicans had SEVEN injured players for their game against the Knicks Monday, and New Orleans still won, 99-91. Wow. Carmelo and the team didn’t need a hug for that performance, they needed a time-out.

The FBI is dropping their sui against Apple because they say they have cracked the San Bernandino terrorist’s iPhone. So they finally tried “password1234″” instead of “password123”?

Donald Trump’s campaign manager was charge with battery after an incident when he grabbed a woman reporter earlier this month. Although knowing Trump supporters they’ll probably just take it as a positive sign that the Donald will be tough on the media.

‪#‎DougFlutie‬‘s “Hail Mary” 1984 pass is almost as much of a miracle as the fact he’s gotten me to watch ‪#‎DWTS‬

An Indian company. Bakeys, has developed edible, compostable cutlery, made of rice, millet and wheat, offered in sweet, savory, or plain flavors. The utensils even work for hot items, including soup. Only problem going forward in the U.S? At places like Taco Bell they may taste better than the food.

Wish this were the Onion: A company has reportedly come up with a handgun that looks like a Smartphone and unfolds to fire. ‪#‎Whatcouldpossiblygowrong‬?

R.I.P Patty Duke, 69. Does it mean you’re old when you remember when 69 was old.

In Northern California, a man who left his dog in his car when he had to spend a night in jail, has now pleaded no contest to animal cruelty and has been sentenced to 24 days MORE in jail. The sentence begins presumably after he finds a dogsitter?

A new app, Daily Joints, wants to be Tinder for marijuana users. With the added advantage that if it doesn’t work out, you don’t remember who you hooked up with anyway.

The NFL apparently wants a retraction from the New York Times about a story claiming concussion cases were omitted when the league downplayed the effects of head injuries on players.
Politico reports a letter sent from the NFL to the paper says the story is “false and defamatory.” Like the Pentagon Papers?

 

Are you listening, Susan Sarandon? Even the church of baseball has some absolutes.

 

 

There are rumors that several Cuban migrants who were rescued from a raft off the Florida coast with gunshot wounds may have shot themselves in order to be taken to U.S. hospitals and thus given asylum. And Trump really thinks a wall will stop desperate people?

Pass the brownies?

March 21, 2016

By a 6-2 vote, the Supreme Court today rejected a conservative challenge to Colorado’s marijuana legalization laws. Well, guess they don’t call it the High Court for nothing.

 

Go figure, the ‪#‎Spurs‬ can stop ‪#‎StephenCurry‬ and they can’t stop ‪#‎JeremyLin‬? ‪#‎Hornets‬

Dwight Howard, who has been warned along with the Rockets team about being caught with a sticky substance on his hand, said “I think that it’s getting overblown, like I’m doing something crazy. But again, I’ve never been a cheater.”
A cheater no, a baby, yes.

#‎Patriots‬ owner Robert Kraft apparently wrote NFL commissioner Roger Goodell asking for the #1 draft pick back that the team lost in the ‪#‎Deflategate‬ scandal. Meanwhile the ‪#‎Saints‬ wrote Goodell, they want 2012 back.

The SF 49ers and Santa Clara are haggling over 2016 rent, which was supposed to be $24.5 million; the team wants to pay $20 million. Well, of course, and aren’t most landlords in the SF Bay Area lowering rents in this economy?

(my friend Rich De Give asks “Doesn’t the lease state the 49ers are supposed to field a professional football team?”)

A new Park Slope, Brooklyn, $1-3 million condo development is going to offer a stroller valet service to residents. And we wonder why some of the rest of the world hates us?

Heard a radio ad for Whole Foods today, “America’s Healthiest Grocery Store.” Well if for no other reason than you can’t afford to buy enough food to make you fat.

A Texas man who was arrested for having sex on a Las Vegas Ferris wheel with a woman he just met has been fatally shot in a carjacking in Houston. Now, the guy had gone to Vegas to get married, but told police he had fought with his fiance, who was pregnant with another man’s child. They had reconciled, and she was with him when he was killed.
You REALLY cannot make this stuff up. ‪#‎madefortvmovie‬?

Sad news from Toronto that ex-mayor Rob Ford is now in palliative care. Hard to believe that there was a time not that long ago that Ford held the title “most outrageous politician in North America.”

Ted Cruz, saying that it’s a “sad day” with the President visiting Cuba. “Until Obama, siding with the oppressed had always been America’s aspiration.”
Right, as billions of people in Latin America, Africa, Asia and the Mideast can attest. ‪#‎SMH‬ ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

Donald Trump, trying to be a kindler, gentler, candidate “I like John, he’s a nice guy, I like Ted, he’s a nice guy.” Ted Cruz a nice guy? That’s it. Now we KNOW the Donald is insane.

Elizabeth Warren is engaged in a Twitter war with Donald Trump. One of today’s latest salvos from Warren “@RealDonaldTrump knows he’s a loser. His insecurities are on parade: petty bullying, attacks on women, cheap racism, flagrant narcissism.”
Pass the popcorn, this could be fun.

John Kasich “There is a below-zero chance that I would serve as V.P. to one of the other candidates.” So he is saying there’s a chance?

Bernie Sanders’ latest fundraising email of the morning. “Tomorrow night is YUGE.” Wait, I thought the GOP was the party with the spelling problem.

 

 

Watching ‪#‎DWTS‬ for the first time ever because of ‪#‎DougFlutie‬. Well, it makes me less ashamed to be American than watching some of those ‪#‎GOP‬ debates.

#‎DougFlutie‬ and ‪#‎MarlaMaples‬ on ‪#‎DTWS‬: Talk about from the sublime to the ridiculous.

 

Marla Maples appearing in ‪#‎DWTS‬ – Dancing With The Stars. As opposed to her ex-, who regularly appears in ‪#‎DTWT‬ – Dancing With The Truth

Could she talk?

September 4, 2014

Joan Rivers has passed away. What she is no doubt most upset about is that she can’t make inappropriate jokes at her own funeral.

But if Rivers lost weight in her medically induced coma it could be her last dream come true – this after all is a woman who said of Karen Carpenter “I have no sympathy for anyone who gets thin enough to be buried in pleats.”

Best comment though comes from Alex Kaseberg:  “Big Joan Rivers fan. Why do I want to believe that her last words were; “Oh, super, I get to follow Robin Williams.”

“Dancing with the Stars” has announced their 2015 “cast”. Although truthfully the show should be known as “Dancing With a Whole Lot of People You Vaguely Remember or Have Heard Of.”

Former Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell, once considered a potential V.P candidate, was convicted along with his wife on multiple counts of conspiracy to defraud the citizens of Virginia, wire fraud, conspiracy and influence-peddling. Down in Louisiana they’re sniffing,  “Amateurs.”

Suspended Denver Broncos WR Wes Welker, still claiming innocence on how he could have been suspended for drug use, says maybe someone put something in his drink. I see a new business opportunity. Safety beverage lids for athletes? (To go along with something to test for tainted supplements.)

Josh Gordon cannot play for the NFL or CFL this year due to his marijuana suspension, but the Browns receiver is going to work for an Ohio car dealer. So will their slogan be “At least our prices aren’t high?”

Ah for the days when the only days that someone could get anything incriminating from a phone was to pick up an extension and listen in from another room…..

 

In Oregon, a veterinarian who performed emergency surgery on a Great Dane found the dog had eaten 43 1/2 socks. And clothes dryers across the country are now saying they’re the victims of profiling.

Why there is no satire. Bill O’Reilly warned his viewers “When you hear something on a partisan-driven program, do not believe it” And O’Reilly made the statement on Fox News.

More “Why there is no satire.” Little League star Mo’ne Davis has said her first love is basketball and she’d love to be a UConn Husky. And after the LLWS Geno Auriemma called Davis to congratulate her. So now apparently another school has reported the call to the NCAA as a recruiting violation, because Mo’Ne is an 8th grader and student-athletes can’t be contacted until they are in 9th grade…..

Malaysia Airlines has decided to change the name of a promotional competition they were running, called “My Ultimate Bucket List Challenge.” The real challenge is how anyone thought that was a good name in the first place.

The Chicago Cubs announced SS Starlin Castro has a high ankle sprain and will probably miss the rest of the regular season. Uh, except for the Cubs is there anything BUT the regular season?

The Oakland Raiders have settled a lawsuit with 90 cheerleaders who accused the team of not paying minimum wage. The team will pay out a total of $1.25 million. To put that in perspective, that’s about 3% of what the Raiders paid JaMarcus Russell.

Cold comfort?

May 20, 2014

The NFL has awarded the 2018 Super Bowl to… Minneapolis. For all those who thought spending the first week in February in New York wasn’t cold enough.

Jon Bon Jovi is apparently part of a group that wants to buy the Buffalo Bills. Well, if any franchise knows about “Livin’ on a Prayer.”

California golfer Lucy Li, 11, has qualified for the U.S. Women’s Open. Quite an achievement. It gives all those Chinese women gymnasts a goal to shoot for when they grow up.

Swiss bank Credit Suisse has pleaded guilty to running “an illegal cross-border banking business” to help thousands of Americans conceal their income from the IRS. The bank will pay a $2.6 billion fine, but will not have to provide names of their U.S. clients who they helped cheat on taxes. So wonder how many of those clients will be subsidizing the “settlement” with a silence fee?

 

Halle Berry on “Ellen” today talking about getting pregnant at 47, which is considered a “geriatric pregnancy.” If Berry thinks it was a “geriatric” pregnancy, wait until she gets to applying for Medicare at the same time her son is applying to college.

 

Judge just declared PA’s #gaymarriage ban unconstitutional. Will last state to keep gay marriage banned please keep the lights turned off?

 

Cleveland has the top NBA lottery pick for the second straight years. Who says the Cavaliers will never win anything?

As far as Cleveland getting the top pick in 2015?  Probably at least as good a chance as a Miami Heat “three-peat”

 

NBA playoffs are down to San Antonio, Indianapolis, Oklahoma City and Miami. Three team from cities most Americans can’t find on a map and one they can’t stand.

A 19 year old Texas man in facing five years to life in prison for allegedly baking and selling pot brownies made with hash oil. If he’d only shot and killed someone he’d be facing 10 years max.

At Allen High School, near Dallas, they will have to close their new $60 million new football stadium this fall due to cracking concrete. This is the biggest disappointment in North Texas since the Cowboys.

On a brighter note, the stadium is a $48 million cheaper disappointment than Tony Romo.

The NY Racing Stewards have approved California Chrome to race with a nasal strip. If he wins will Roger Goodell add nasal strips to the NFL’s list of banned performance enhancers?

 

Congrats to Meryl Davis, who with her partner won Dancing with the Stars tonight. With that kind of dancing talent maybe she could do something big on an international stage…. .Oops, never mind.

Lost?

November 28, 2012

The man responsible for Apple’s much criticized new iPhone 5 mapping software has been fired. Presume in this case they actually did have to show him the door.

 

Speaker John Boehner announced all 19 major House committee chairs for the next congress, and all 19 are white men. So alas for diversity, the only man of color amongst GOP congressional leadership, is orange.

Some disgruntled Dallas Cowboys fans have started a petition asking President Obama to remove their “controlling, delusional, oppressive dictator” – i.e. owner and GM Jerry Jones. Alas Washington residents know if Obama had that power, he’d have already removed Dan Snyder.

Donald Trump said in a just-published interview that Mitt Romney’s self-deportation immigration policy was “crazy” and “maniacal” Well, and if anyone knows crazy and maniacal…

 

Regarding the DWTS finale: Clearly I am missing something….but since when do you become a “star” by having a public romance and breakup on a “reality” TV show? Guess it’s as plausible as achieving stardom by being a pregnant teenager.

First it was Charlie Sheen melting down. Now actor Angus T. Jones from “Two and a Half Men” is apologizing for calling the show “filth” and “inappropriate” in interviews. Uh, anyone want to get some preventive help for Jon Cryer?

 

The Washington Wizards are now 0-12. Fans may have already given up hopes for the NBA playoffs. But there’s always the N.I.T.

Wonder how long until the Washington Generals try to schedule a game against their  crosstown rivals?

When Marvin Miller, who passed away today at the age of 95, first fought for free agency, George Steinbrenner was one of the owners against it, saying that anyone would be able to build a team. And yeah, the system sure has ended up hurting the Yankees….

 

Maybe I’m missing something, but did Americans ever elect Grover Norquist?

 

The Eagles cut DE Jason Babin in the midst of a disappointing year, and after he took to Twitter to question the loyalty of some fans. Uh, Jason, it’s Philadelphia. They not only boo Santa Claus, they’d cut him too if he didn’t live up to expectation.

Tulane is the latest school to join the Big East for football. Perfect, now they can change the conference name to the “Big Easy” and be done with it.

Back to being schooled.

September 2, 2011

Hard to believe (in the U.S) it’s almost time for the first regular season professional football game of the year. And after LSU-Oregon Saturday night, the Saints-Packers kick off next Thursday.

Wisconsin 51, UNLV 17. Many fans who tuned into this opening night college football game were unaware UNLV had a D1 team. And after tonight, they’re still not sure.

Oxymoron containing sentence of the day: Sarah Palin is traveling to South Korea to speak at the “World Knowledge Forum” (Isn’t this like John Edwards speaking at a Marriage Forum?)

Ohio State is struggling to regain their reputation after the football benefits scandal. But the university reported today that three more players received impermissible benefits of $300 or less this year. AFTER the suspensions and Tressel’s firing. Can’t imagine how football players get the reputation of being stupid.

San Jose police are looking for people who grabbed bags of marijuana that spilled onto the road from a truck that crashed in south San Jose last night. Apparently the driver fled the crash, and bystanders grabbed all but a few bags. Have the police tried stakeouts in front of local shelves stocked with Doritos?


Much controversy out there about Chaz Bono, as a transgender man, being on “Dancing With the Stars.” Because some believe it condones unacceptable behavior. Well, yeah, it’s a slippery slope. Next thing you know the show will be glorifying young women who have children out of wedlock.


But really, all this controversy about Chaz Bono, and openly gay contestant Carson Kressley. Do these guys really offend both straight men who watch the show?

Sarah Palin professes to be very excited about her first trip next month to South Korea. Apparently one of her favorite songs the one she knows as the Korean version of “Hail to the Chief” – “Seoul Man.”


And the playground antics continue. President Obama changed the date of his planned jobs speech after Republicans complained that it conflicted with a planned GOP primary debate. A lot of commotion on behalf of Americans who wanted to hear the speech and see the the debate too. All three of them.

No one likes wasting money, so I understand why many in the GOP are upset by the failure of solar energy company, Solyndra, after a $535 million loan guarantee by the Energy Department. Of course, I would understand it more if those same Republicans had been complaining over the $1 trillion plus wasted on the Iraq war.


from T.C. A human foot wearing a running shoe washed ashore in Vancouver this week. This is the 11th incident in BC since 2007. Photos are being sent to Rex Ryan for identification.

Disasters and beyond.

August 30, 2011

Not saying things have gone from bad to worse with the San Francisco Giants. But their lineup was just declared eligible for federal disaster relief.


SF Giants star prospect Gary Brown was named the Calfornia League player of the week, going 17 for 30 at the plate for San Jose. Trying to remember the last time the SF Giants got 17 hits in a week….

Randy Wells of the Chicago Cubs had a 5.53 ERA this year and had never thrown a shutout in his professional career. Tonight he tosses complete game two hit shutout against the San Francisco Giants. What more do you need to know about the Giants’ 2011 season?

SF Giants are hoping to improve their woeful offense when rosters expand Sept 1. Wonder if any of the stars from the Huntington Beach Little League World Series champions are available.

Anyone else notice that headlines indicating “Hurricane Irene wasn’t nearly as bad as expected” usually translate to “New York City didn’t get much damage?”

No, it’s not your imagination, those lines and hold times are getting longer:

According to the NY Times, quoting Federal Transportation statistics, U.S. airlines had 637,000 employees in 2001 but only 474,000 in June 2011.

But in the airlines’ defense, they say that of those employees who work in reservations, at least a dozen speak English.

ABC News reports that Warren Jeffs, the polygamous sect leader and convicted child rapist, is in a coma and may not survive. “That’s really a shame,” said absolutely nobody.


The new lineup is out for “Dancing with the Stars.” Two names on the list: Kim Kardashian’s brother Rob, and political pundit Nancy Grace.

So we are about to find out the answer to that rhetorical question – “Could reality TV possibly get any more annoying?”

My friend Andy reports a sighting in Columbus, of an Ohio State t-shirt stating “WTF” on the front. And “Lost the vest, still better than the rest” on the back.

“Lost” the vest? At OSU? Nah, sold it more likely. Or traded it for tattoos.


A male fan was knocked unconscious when he fell in a stairwell at Rangers Ballpark. Many have assumed it was alcohol related but the Texas Rangers for now are not giving out any information. Of course, this is the team formerly owned by George W. Bush. It could have been a pretzel.


Michael Vick and the Philadlephia Eagles have apparently agreed to a six-year, $100 million contract. Wonder how much that is in dog years.

This just in: Michele Bachmann’s campaign now says she was only joking when she described Hurricane Irene the D.C earthquake as a warning from God.
This also just in: God says He was only joking when he sent us Michele Bachmann.


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