Posted tagged ‘Wizards jokes’

Drink up

May 14, 2015


Florida Gov. Rick Scott has signed legislation that allows the sale of “growler” beers, i.e. 64 ounce containers, in the state. “Growlers” are apparently legal already in most other states. Wonder if the hold-up was the worry that Floridians would consider them single-servings? ‪#‎staggeringyourground

The Patriots are claiming that the locker room attendant whose texts implicated Brady in Deflategate only called himself “the deflator” because he was trying to lose weight. I think I like “pushed into a lifeboat” better.

Steelers FB Le’Veon Bell to ESPN on his three-game suspension over marijuana possession and DUI. “I made a mistake,” Bell said. “I’m going to just have to do my time.” Whoa. This guy sounds way too responsible to be in the NFL. ‪#‎wherestheexcuses‬?

Fans who try to order a customized Patriots jersey from with “DEFLATOR” on the back are receiving an error message: “We are unable to customize this item with the text you have entered. Please try a different entry again.”

Where are the defenders of free speech on this one?

(These jerseys are $294.99  plus tax and shipping.  My father points out, They are refusing to do “deflator” for $295?  That is a gross violation of their most sacred principles.)

Missouri House Speaker John Diehl has resigned after texts obtained by the Kansas City Star indicated a sexual relationship between him and a college freshman intern. Well, at least the intern is female. ‪#‎Whenwilltheyeverlearn‬ ‪#‎secrettextisanoxymoron‬

(and of course, Diehl is a married -for now- father of three, virulently anti-gay marriage types, who led the fight to override Missouri Gov. Jay Nixon’s veto of a bill that would allow employers not to cover birth control because of THEIR religious views. )

Drought math: Apparently it takes about 1,800 gallons of water to produce a pound of beef. only 32 gallons for a glass of wine. And 17 gallons for an average shower. So if Californians can just eat a little less and drink a little more, we can all be happier and cleaner.

George Zimmerman now apparently is thinking of leaving Florida because he gets “trouble” there. Okay, who wants to volunteer here? South Carolina? Arizona, Texas…?


At the time of writing this, the Padres are in a RAIN delay in San Diego. Wonder how long it took the grounds crew to find the tarp? ‪#‎whatisthiswaterfallingfromthesky‬? ‪#‎wehaveatarp‬?

Apparently the engineer of the Amtrak train that derailed was going 106 MPH when he should have been going 50 MPH. Why weren’t there safeguards in place? Why wasn’t there a second engineer maybe to tell him to slow down? Budget cuts.

But Congress is on it. Today the House voted to cut another $252 million from the Amtrak budget.

Just thinking, so if PTC (Positive Train Control) is too expensive for now…. how much would it cost to have an assistant engineer also in the Amtrak engine? ‪#‎alotcheaperthananaccident‬

So former NFL QB A.J. Feeley says Brady and the Patriots have been cheating with the footballs for years. Well, first, New England says they didn’t do it this time, and second, if they had of course it was just a one-time impulse that they had never tried before….. ‪#‎howcanyoudoubtSaintBrady‬?


Nick Saban on the new college football playoff system, said it was “great to be a part” of it. But he also thought “by having a playoff we would minimize the interest in other bowl games, which I think is sort of what happened and I hate to see that for college football.” Uh, does Saban think most people EVER cared about 90% of the other bowl games?


After Paul Pierce hit a 3 pointer with 8.3 seconds left in the Wizards-Hawks games for the lead he looked at the Atlanta bench and called “Series.” Because it would have taken too long to say “Mission Accomplished?”

That rosy feeling…

December 1, 2012


The nerds are going to Pasadena.   (Move over Cal Tech)



Is it too early to start the 2013 Kevin Hogan for Heisman campaign?


The Stanford vs. UCLA  Pac 12 championship was played at 5p. Scheduled for all those East Coast prime time market fans who really cared.   Both of them.


“The only good thing about Grover Norquist is he’s named after a character from ‘Sesame Street.'” — Former Pres. George W. Bush adviser Matthew Dowd. But while Elmo has been accused of screwing underage boys, this Grover has been screwing the whole country.


Monte Kiffin says he will retire as USC’s defensive coordinator after their bowl game. Trojan fans are just praying “Like father, like son.”

A Oregon man lost on Mount Hood in a blizzard was rescued from a storm after he posted a screenshot to Facebook with his GPS coordinates. Of course, maybe if he hadn’t been updating his FB page while hiking he might not have gotten lost in the first place.

The new owner of the New Orleans Hornets, Tom Benson, says he would like to change the name to something more “fitting” of Louisiana. If he can get the NBA to make the change does this make the whole team players to be named later?.

The Phoenix Suns on Dec. 6 will guarantee its fans that they will have fun at the game or they can apply for a refund. But define “fun.” Heck, for a certain type there’s always “Fifty Shades of the Washington Wizards.”

Not saying college football is overly in love with replay, but expect any day now to have an official review to see if a timeout is long enough.


Got to love all this media effort to search for the Powerball winners.   What a country, considering the odds, we glorify  people who were idiotic enough to buy tickets.


(and hey, the lottery for cheap entertainment value, sure, why not. But as a retirement plan?)

NBA commissioner David Stern fined San Antonio $250,000 after they sent 3 top players home early from a road trip, thereby missing the game against the Miami Heat. Stern said the fine was because the Spurs “did a disservice to the league and our fans.” So why doesn’t he fine the Wizards EVERY night?



November 28, 2012

The man responsible for Apple’s much criticized new iPhone 5 mapping software has been fired. Presume in this case they actually did have to show him the door.


Speaker John Boehner announced all 19 major House committee chairs for the next congress, and all 19 are white men. So alas for diversity, the only man of color amongst GOP congressional leadership, is orange.

Some disgruntled Dallas Cowboys fans have started a petition asking President Obama to remove their “controlling, delusional, oppressive dictator” – i.e. owner and GM Jerry Jones. Alas Washington residents know if Obama had that power, he’d have already removed Dan Snyder.

Donald Trump said in a just-published interview that Mitt Romney’s self-deportation immigration policy was “crazy” and “maniacal” Well, and if anyone knows crazy and maniacal…


Regarding the DWTS finale: Clearly I am missing something….but since when do you become a “star” by having a public romance and breakup on a “reality” TV show? Guess it’s as plausible as achieving stardom by being a pregnant teenager.

First it was Charlie Sheen melting down. Now actor Angus T. Jones from “Two and a Half Men” is apologizing for calling the show “filth” and “inappropriate” in interviews. Uh, anyone want to get some preventive help for Jon Cryer?


The Washington Wizards are now 0-12. Fans may have already given up hopes for the NBA playoffs. But there’s always the N.I.T.

Wonder how long until the Washington Generals try to schedule a game against their  crosstown rivals?

When Marvin Miller, who passed away today at the age of 95, first fought for free agency, George Steinbrenner was one of the owners against it, saying that anyone would be able to build a team. And yeah, the system sure has ended up hurting the Yankees….


Maybe I’m missing something, but did Americans ever elect Grover Norquist?


The Eagles cut DE Jason Babin in the midst of a disappointing year, and after he took to Twitter to question the loyalty of some fans. Uh, Jason, it’s Philadelphia. They not only boo Santa Claus, they’d cut him too if he didn’t live up to expectation.

Tulane is the latest school to join the Big East for football. Perfect, now they can change the conference name to the “Big Easy” and be done with it.

Flor-i-duh Follies.

January 29, 2012

Amazing that of the two leading GOP presidential contenders now, the Mormon is the one with only one wife.

Several injuries were reported at a casino construction site in Cincinnati. when a floor fell into a V shape Friday and sent workers crashing to the ground. It was one of the more noteworthy collapses in town, well, not involving the Bengals.

Great line from Bill Maher – appropriate to many nonpartisan occasions – “It’s very hard not to be condescending when you’re explaining something to an idiot.”

Overhead on the Pro Bowl telecast in the third quarter. “We’ve got a football game.” No, we’ve got a close score in an exhibition no one cares about, but it’s something to do on a Sunday before baseball starts and while NBA games don’t really matter.

Newt Gingrich says of Mitt Romney, “He would say thing after thing after thing that just plain wasn’t true.” Like “Honey, sorry I couldn’t make it home… I was working late”?

NFL Commissioner Goodell says the recession has helped grow TV audiences. “People want to feel part of a group, feel like they’re connected, and now during these difficult times, they can turn on free television…and forget their worries for just a few hours.” Very warm and fuzzy. Unless enough fans can’t afford tickets so the NFL blacks out their teams non-sellout home games.

Mitt Romney is leading in Florida polls, especially around Orlando. Makes sense, in the Disney area most people have developed fond feelings towards life-like creatures.

An Arizona city council candidate, Alejandra Cabrera, is fighting a judge’s ruling that barred her from running for office because her English was too poor. She should instead have considered running for Governor of California.

The woeful Washington Wizards won their first road game of the season Saturday night against the Charlotte Bobcats. Thereby postponing at least briefly their team name change to the Washington Generals.

Novak Djokovic beat Rafael Nadal for the Australian Open in a 5 set, 5-hour, 53-minute final. 5 hours and 53 minutes? That’s almost as long as a Kardashian marriage.

Although Robert Rock and Tiger Woods were tied going into today’s final round of the Abu Dhabi golf tournament, Rock shot a 70 and won by two strokes. Wow. nobody is Tiger Woods any more. Not even Tiger Woods.

The first weekend of Madness.

March 20, 2010

Heady times in Northern California. In the NCAA tournament The Cal Bears beat Louisville, and St Mary’s knocked off Richmond.

But then there’s always the reality check known as the Golden State Warriors. Who managed to lose to San Antonio 147 to 116.

Actually Cal and Washington both advanced. As someone who has watched some pretty abysmal Pac 10 games this year I have to wonder…maybe it’s not that the conference was better than most of us thought, but that the rest of men’s college basketball was worse than than we thought.

Not to say March Madness loyalties are shallow. But wondering – of all those “fans” bemoaning Temple’s first round loss at the hands of Cornell, how many of them could find Temple on a map?

Now, over in our nation’s capital, fans are still recovering from Georgetown’s 14 point loss, as the 3rd seed, to 14th rated Old Dominion. Its the worst performance Washington basketball fans can remember, well, at least since the last Wizards game.

How bad are the Washington Wizards? They may change their name to the Washington Generals.

In fact, between Georgetown’s early exit and the Wizards’ ninth loss in a row, the best recent basketball performance in DC may belong to President Obama with his bracket picks.

Jihad Jane”s mom said her daughter was just “lonely” and wanted somebody to love. Does this mean maybe the U.S. should start promoting the Humane Society and their shelters as anti-terrorist organizations?

A new non-profit organization called “Reboot’ is trying to encourage people to take a 24 hour holiday next weekend from technology, no cellphones, computers, etc. And of course, the company is trying to spread the idea via sites like Facebook.

American Idol has announced that following the “Rolling Stones” show, next week’s show’s focus will be “Teen Idols.” Of course, what most of the young contestants don’t know – the Rolling Stones WERE “Teen Idols.”

And when the band started…. Mick Jagger was all of 19 himself.

An actual serious thought:

On the Ellen Degeneres show, Constance McMillen, who wanted to bring her girlfriend to her Mississippi prom received a $30,000 scholarship from the website Tonic.Com. Now it would be great to see some company step up to fund an alternative “non-prom” for the young women, and the other students who got their prom cancelled.

and finally from my funny friend Jim Barach.

Porsche has taken the top spot in the J.D. Power dependability study. The study won’t be officially completed until the Toyota stops racing uncontrollably around the course.

The Red Raiders, Spartans, Wizards, and other soaps…

January 3, 2010

Who says soap operas are on the decline. Lately it seems like they’ve just all moved over to ESPN.

Fired Texas Tech coach Mike Leach may face legal issues regarding his alleged mistreatment of player Adam James. Meanwhile, 14 Michigan State players were suspended from for their involvement in a campus brawl, and 8 of them are facing assault charges. Maybe the Alamo Bowl should have been sponsored by Aladdin Bail Bonds.

Gilbert Arenas and NBA teammate Javaris Crittenton may have drawn guns on each other in the Washington locker room. As disturbing as that sounds, the guns apparently weren’t loaded. And besides, they play for the Wizards, so it’s not as if they shot they would have hit anything.

Arenas said of the incident that he used “bad judgment.” But didn’t we already expect that? After all, he chose to sign with the Wizards.

Suppose it’s just coincidence that the team used to be “the Bullets.”

Wonder how long it will take before someone makes and sells retro Arenas “Washington Bullets” jerseys on Ebay..

On the brighter side for some Washington sports fans, at least for a little while the Redskins are not the most embarrassing story on the sports page.