Posted tagged ‘Florida jokes’

Blow ups.

September 1, 2016

Facebook just changed their relationship status with SpaceX to “it’s complicated.”

At Cape Canaveral, a SpaceX rocket exploded on the launch pad this morning. SpaceX described the explosion as an “anomaly.” Fortunately there were no injuries. And airline spokespersons immediately filed “anomaly” away for future use.

 

Pamela Anderson, 49, has become an anti-porn crusader. Maybe because no one wants to see her sex tapes anymore?

As Colin Kaepernick doubles down on his anthem protest, angering many other NFL players, here’s an interesting side note: Right now the 49ers only have to pay him guaranteed salary for 2016. But if Kaepernick suffers a career-ending injury, he also gets $14.5 million guaranteed in 2017 and $5.2 million in 2018.
So if Kap plays this year, he’s one good hit away from a long paid vacation.

Would have been ironic tonight if angry fans went after #Kaepernick in San Diego & he needed a police escort to get out of stadium safely. #SFvsSD

Angry Mexican news anchor about Trump’s visit “The humiliation is now complete.” Which is the same sentiment felt by many rational members of the GOP.

NY Jets WR Brandon Marshall said he believes the Chicago Bears traded him after the 2014 season because of his in-season television work on Showtime’s “Inside the NFL” Well, that and Marshall’s receiving stats falling off almost 50% from the 2013 season.

 

All this talk about scary clowns in #SouthCarolina. Weren’t the presidential primaries months ago?

 

Appalachian State had a chance to beat Tennessee in regulation, but neglected to call their 3rd and last time out when they might have been in field goal range. Sounds like they spend as much time in math class as members of top NCAA programs.

Governor RIck Scott has issued a hurricane warning for Florida, saying that Hermine could be “life-threatening.” Surprised he didn’t add a warning to President Obama to stay out of the state’s business.

Donald Trump believes that American-born children of illegals should be deported. So what does that mean IF it turns out Melania skirted immigration law with her visa?

United Airlines says that 12 passengers were injured by “severe and unexpected turbulence” on an overnight flight to London while most were asleep. So what part of “keep your seatbelt fastened while you sleep” do most people not understand? #cantfixstupid #butyoucaninjurestupid

 

“Business Insider’ reports that Marco Gutierrez, who founded “Latinos for Trump’ said there could be “taco trucks on every corner” if the Donald isn’t elected.
Taco trucks? Hmm…Gutierrez might have just given a lot of Americans reasons to vote for Hillary.

 

 

From my friend Tony Alan Banks, who just may have solved one of the mysteries of the universe:   I’m 100% convinced that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer it comes back as an extra tupperware lid.”

You go girls.

August 11, 2016

 

Over-under on how many American babies will be born in the next year named ?

So how come women have to do floor exercises to music and men don’t in the Olympics? Men can’t do gymnastics and listen at the same time?

All the talk about seeing Michael Phelps for the last time in the Olympics. And somewhere Brett Favre is just giggling.

Kim Rhode, who has won medals for the US in 5 consecutive Olympics, is complaining about California gun laws. “I shoot 500 to 1,000 rounds a day, so having to do a background check every time I purchase ammo, or every time I want to bring ammo in or out of a competition or a match, those are very challenging for me.”
And clearly the challenges are affecting her Olympic performance…. ‪#‎sarcasm‬

 

National Advertising Bureau says Comcast has to stop saying they have “fastest Internet in America because Verizon is faster. And somewhere Donald Trump is saying “but Trump Tower is the very fastest and bestest.”

In Myrtle Beach, two young women were arrested for skinny-dipping in an apartment complex pool, and one of them got angry enough to kick the police officer. Also furious, men in the complex at whoever called the cops.

In Florida, a man was fatally shot during a road rage incident yesterday, which is only noteworthy because he himself had served 10 years in prison for killing a man during a 2001 road rage incident. Yeah, every once in a while mean bitch Karma is okay with the 2nd amendment..

Macy’s says they will close 100 of their stores and focus more on online shopping. So are those stores waving the white flower?

LA Rams coach Jeff Fisher cut WR Deon Long for breaking team rules by bringing a woman visitor back to his room. Now, Long was an undrafted free agent. Of course I’m sure Fisher would have applied the rules equally to Pro Bowl DT Aaron Donald, or new QB Jared Goff.

 

Many countries, including the UK, Canada, France, New Zealand and the UAE, are issuing travel warnings for the US, due to violence, Zika, mass shootings, anti-LGBT and Muslim attitudes, etc.
Waiting for Trump to say we don’t want tourists anyway. ‪#‎MakeAmericaWalledAgain‬

CNN reports that the Secret Service had “more than one conversation” with Donald Trump about his 2nd amendment comment, Trump has denied in a tweet that such a conversation ever took place. Is it really wise if you want to be President to p*ss off the people who are and might be protecting you?

Delta Airlines, still digging out from their massive computer outage, admitted today there had been a ‘small fire’ at their data center. Right, like a long time ago Mrs. O’Leary in Chicago had a small cow.

From T.C.  “Is there a “Yogi Berra Finishing School” somewhere? I swear I heard an announcer on CNN say about a Trump rally, “We see people who are there and we see people who aren’t there”.

Of course one of the people who you might say “aren’t there” is the Donald himself.  Especially if you insert the world “all.”

So what’s next from Donald Trump? Telling John Hinckley that Jodie Foster has a major crush on Hillary Clinton?  #bustohell

Unanswered questions

May 31, 2016

Police near Fort Lauderdale discovered some alligators eating a human body in a canal. Bringing up one of those famous Florida puzzles – suicide, homicide or Darwin winner?

Ronnie Wood, 68, of the Rolling Stones, has just become the father of twins. So now when he sings “Has Anyone Seen My Baby?” it might be because he literally won’t be able to remember where one of them is.

One again, as the early MLB All-Star voting totals have been released, Royals fans are apparently doing a great job of stuffing the ballot box for their players. Well, guessing there’s not that much to do in Kansas City in the spring.

But not like this charade really matters. I mean the All-Star game only determines home field advantage for the Major League Baseball championship.

Cal. Gov ‪#‎JerryBrown‬, 78, endorsed Hillary Clinton, because “she knows how to get things done.” No doubt also because of her youth.& vigor.

 

#‎SFGiants‬ 1st run today vs ‪#‎Braves‬ scored by ‪#‎Peavy‬ who had singled & was running on ‪#‎Span‬‘s triple. Well, of course it was ‪#‎Pitcherswhorake‬

A last ‪#‎Game7‬ Western Conference Finals thought: Nothing is certain but death, taxes, & the ‪#‎Thunder‬ eventually forgetting they have 5 men on the court. ‪#‎OKCvsGSW‬

#‎BernieSanders‬ had tickets to the ‪#‎Thunder‬ ‪#‎Warriors‬ ‪#‎Game7‬ last night?! Even ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬ knows that takes real $$$$$$

 

Another twist to the sad story of the fatal shooting of former Saints’ star Will Smith – his blood alcohol level at the time of the road rage incident that led to his death was .24. Now, Smith was 6’3″, 283 lb. At that size, how do you physically drink enough to get to .24?

 

Richard Dreyfuss tweeted that “Donald Trump’s celebrity supporters who are whores.” Prompting immediate demands for an apology, from whores.

Martin Shkreli, the price-gouging former pharmaceutical CEO, now says his endorsement of Donald Trump was an “ironic joke” Actually “ironic joke” isn’t a bad metaphor for Trump’s campaign.

The North Korean state-run newspaper has endorsed “wise” Donald Trump over “dull” Hillary. So is this a shameless attempt by Kim Jong Un to get his pal Dennis Rodman considered as Trump’s running mate?

Ben Carson says the U.S. is a “cruise ship that is about to go off of Niagara Falls.” Uh, got news for Dr. Carson, cruise ships don’t sail anywhere NEAR Niagara Falls. Not only Ben not smart enough to be President, he’s not smart enough to be a travel agent.

(there are, for the picky, very small ships that sail on Lake Ontario.  But there are locks involved, none of them sails any where near the edge. And then there are little boats that do sightseeing trips at the bottom of the falls – like “The Maid of the Mist.”)

A different thought on the Cincinnati Zoo gorilla controversy. Some blame the zoo, because, while there had been no problems for 38 years, the child was able to get into the enclosure and was at risk.
So if the kid had wandered away from his parents in the parking lot and been hit by a car, would they condemn the zoo for allowing people to drive in that parking lot?

 

Khloe Kardashian is reportedly now dating Odell Beckham Jr. So she’s graduated from NBA players who should know better, to NFL players who should know better?

 

In San Francisco, an FBI agent apparently left his gun, ID and his credentials in his car, and all of them were stolen when the car was broken into. Bringing up another question “How do you stop a stupid good guy with a gun?

Political fundraiser email of the evening. Headlined “we keep emailing.” And it starts out “We emailed you this morning, we emailed you this afternoon…..”
So what is that old definition of insanity?

Derby eve.

May 6, 2016

Happy Kentucky Derby Eve, or Derby Day, depending when you read this: The Kentucky Derby is 142 years old. But it might be the perfect sporting event for our time – to give it their full attention, the race only requires people to put down their phones for 2 minutes.

 

The Kardashians flew down to Cuba to film an episode of their reality show. If Raoul Castro really wants to improve relations with the U.S. maybe Cuba can keep them?

 

Tim Lincecum pitched off the mound today. Timmy has 2 important qualities ‪#‎SFGiants‬ are now looking for in a 4th or 5th starter – Alive & Breathing

In St. Cloud, Florida, a 25 year-old man allegedly fatally shot his brother in an argument over a cheeseburger.  Will he say he was just standing his ground beef?

Jeb Bush has joined Lindsay Graham in saying he will not vote for Donald Trump nor Hillary Clinton. Well, this should make a difference to both of Jeb’s former supporters.

A Reuters/Ipsos poll says ” Nearly half” of U.S voters plan to vote for Clinton or Trump in November mainly to keep the other side from winning. Only half?

Email today asking if I have “Decided not to thank President Obama for fighting Citizens United?” because I haven’t signed some card yet. Why do I think that if I ignore the email President Obama will get over it?

The LA Angels of Anaheim, below .500 and already struggling with injuries, have lost starter Garrett Richards for the season. Looking like only thing that could really save their season – moving to the NL West.

Golfer Zac Blair was disqualified from the Wells Fargo Championship for using a bent putter. The putter had got bent when he hit himself in the head with it after missing an earlier putt. And apparently you can replace clubs but not when damage is done in anger. ‪#‎andwethoughtthebalkrulewasweird‬

GOP chairman Reince Priebus on Donald Trump’s Cinco de Mayo tweet. “He’s trying.” Yes, very.

Sen. Lindsey Graham said today he will not vote for either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton in the 2016 presidential election. But he expects to be re-elected as someone who can make tough decisions facing our country?

 

London has elected Sadiq Khan as their first Muslim mayor. ‪#‎IblameObama‬

 

Dick Cheney says he will support Trump’s candidacy. Makes sense, maybe Cheney hopes the Donald will choose him as a running mate and let the former VP run the country again

And  happy birthday to Willie Mays, still the Say Hey Kid at 85.   (This picture taken at spring training when Willie was still a young 84.)

willie

Point – counterpoint?

March 24, 2016

Today ‪#‎Cruz‬ called ‪#‎Trump‬ a “sniveling coward.” So in Presidential debates can we expect one of them to say “‪#‎Hillary‬ you ignorant slut?”

 

The GOP has hammered Obama for staying in Cuba and then traveling to Argentina after the Brussels attacks. Right, a real leader would have stayed home and fought a Twitter battle over his opponent’s spouses?

Today was the 15th anniversary of the day Randy Johnson pulverized a bird with a pitch. Poor bird, if he had only been hit by Barry Zito, he’d have been telling the story to his grandchicks.

#‎RGIII‬ has signed with the Cleveland ‪#‎Browns‬. Same circus, different ringmaster?

 

In Indiana, it is now illegal to abort a pregnancy because of fetal abnormalities. But no doubt the “pro-life” folks will also make sure mothers of disabled babies/children/adults will have welfare and medical care as long as they need it…… ‪#‎sarcasm‬

 

In Palm Bay, a 24-year-old woman, angry her boyfriend was at a topless bar, confronted him in the parking lot, fought with him, and then ran him over with a car Back on your game, Florida. ‪#‎ifonlyshewasarmed‬

 

Florida looking to extend their lead for the week: A woman and her husband were both arrested after she hit him with a Burrito Supreme and he responded by stabbing her in the hand with a fork he was using to eat a Taco Bell pizza. ‪#‎standyourguacamole‬?

 

Arizona Cardinals coach Bruce Arians, saying only “fools” don’t want their kids to play football. “This is the greatest game in the world I think it teaches more values than any other game that you play.”
Right, that’s why the NFL leads other pro sports leagues with their arrest rate….

You know it’s really spring in Denver when…. a blizzard shuts down the airport.

 

Passengers on board a private plane escaped injury when their landing gear collapsed at San Jose Airport. Good thing it wasn’t United – they’d have probably started to charge a wheels fee.

So in the SF Bay Area March means two things: Next month the Giants are back. And next month the 49ers will make another bad draft pick.

OK, 66 is WAY too damn young. R.I.P Garry Shandling. My favorite quote – “My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.”

Michele Bachmann wrote a long rambling post basically intimating that the Brussels bombings were Obama’s fault because God wanted to force the media to pull their attention from his Cuba trip. Wow. Is Bachmann angling for a post in a possible Trump cabinet?

From Dwight Perry, “If you think the NFL’s “what’s a catch?” rule can be cruel, ponder this for a second: Northern Iowa won an NCAA tournament game on a half-court heave that was still in the air 10 feet from the basket when the final buzzer sounded — and Cincinnati lost even though its tying shot was inside the cylinder at the buzzer. The latter because the shooter’s fingertip was still touching the ball.
Yeah, sports are weird.

 

 

 

 

 

If you are reading this….

March 15, 2016

And haven’t pressed “submit” tonight, either you don’t care or shouldn’t you be working on your brackets?

As we approach March Madness, remember, nothing is certain but death, taxes, and Kansas finding a way to lose before the finals.

 

 

In retrospect one reason shows like “The Bachelor” are so popular – you get to watch people make really stupid decisions and it doesn’t affect the fate of the world? ‪#‎Presidentialprimaries‬

 

 

So now Pete Rose’s lawyer is denying that Rose sent Trump a baseball saying “Mr. Trump, please make America great again.” The Donald claims the baseball was an endorsement.
And how could you doubt either of these fine  gentlemen? ‪#‎sarcasm‬

Disney has announced that Harrison Ford, 73, will return for a fifth Indiana Jones movie in 2019. Only this time the lost relic will be Jones himself.

The US House is holding two hearings on the water crisis in Flint, Michigan. Would that they keep at this with the same intensity they have on Benghazi.

 

New England Patriots safety Nate Ebner will take a leave of absence from the team to train for the U.S. rugby team and this summer’s Olympics. Other international rugby teams just demanded a guard on the rugby balls.

A traffic monitoring group says that the average San Francisco commuter spent more than three days in traffic in 2015. And down in Los Angeles they’re thinking “amateurs.”

Rick Pitino, defending his embattled Louisville program, says that the problem was a graduate assistant, Andre McGee “whose sole responsibility was to make sure they do the right things.”
Right, because in major programs, all graduate assistants have the power and the $$$$$$ to hire prostitutes. And none of the coaching staff would have any clue.
I think I like “pushed into a lifeboat better.”

Hillary Clinton was caught on a “hot mic” speculating about Chris Christie’s reasons for endorsing Donald Trump. “Did he have a debt or something?” Whatever you think of Hillary, the woman is not stupid.

So what’s the difference between ‪#‎MarcoRubio‬ and ‪#‎JebBush‬?   About three weeks? ‪#‎GOPPrimary‬

Ben Carson, in explaining why he endorsed the Donald, said that even if Trump “turns out not to be such a great president … we’re only looking at four years.” as opposed to if the Democrats win “multiple generations and perhaps the loss of the American dream forever.”
Wow, well at least someone thinks Hillary is powerful.

 

So folks saying they always knew ‪#‎Trump‬ ‪#‎Clinton‬ would be 2016 Pres. candidates also will pretend their 1st weekend brackets are perfect?

Donald ‪#‎Trump‬ is  saying. “We need to bring our party together.”. And never has Tonto’s quote been more apt  – “Who’s ‘we’. white man?”

‪#‎TedCruz‬, doubling down on promise to be a strong president for Israel. Sorry, I thought we were choosing President for the US? ‪#‎GOPPrimary‬

 

Since ‪#‎TedCruz‬ might be last alternative to ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬ would like to thank the San Antonio  ‪#‎Spurs‬ for reminding us of the possibilities of sanity in Texas.

Jerry Brown,  “If Trump were ever elected, we’d have to build a wall around California to defend ourselves from the rest of this country.”

Another reason we Californians love Governor Moonbeam 2.0.   (He did add   “By the way that is a joke. We don’t like walls, we like bridges.”)

How long is it?

March 14, 2016

Open note to whoever leaked the NCAA tournament brackets, and thus spoiled CBS’s efforts to turn the selection show into a bloated two-hour commercial fest; mean bitch Karma wants to shake your hand.

 

Coach John Calipari is not happy with Kentucky’s #4 seed. Because few of his one-and-dones can count that high?

 

The NCAA is looking into finding out who leaked their ‪#‎MarchMadness‬ brackets. While they’re at it can they also find the person who decided a two-hour selection show was a good idea? ‪#‎criminalstupidity‬.

Stanford has fired men’s basketball coach Johnny Dawkins. What ingratitude for the man who brought them 2 NIT championships.

 

 

ESPN reports that in a Congressional committee discussion today on concussions Jeff Miller, the NFL’s senior V.P. for health and safety was asked if the link between football and neurodegenerative diseases like CTE has been established: And he said “The answer to that question is certainly yes.
Hmm, is this because Mike Ditka endorsed Trump?

My friend Pat Markevitch saw a Marco Rubio rally on TV.. A Sanders supporter was in the crowd holding up a Bernie sign. Rubio said “Don’t worry, you won’t get beat up at my rally”.
Isn’t it nice to know someone in the GOP has standards?

 

I may make jokes about Florida, where I went to high school. But my friends who still live there get revenge every four years – because their votes actually COUNT in a presidential primary and election. ‪#‎Californiabluerthanblue‬

Polls showing ‪#‎Trump‬ crushing ‪#‎Rubio‬ in Florida. Is this because Floridians really don’t know Trump, or because they really do know Rubio?

Tinder apparently was down Monday.  The horror. So Americans had to meet their Ms. and Mr. Right Nows the old fashioned way – in a bar.

Sarah Palin canceled her appearance at a Trump rally because her husband Todd has been injured in a snow machine crash. Waiting to see how they can make this Obama’s fault.

 

So after feeling the TEENIEST bit guilty for making a bus to hell joke about Todd Palin’s snow machine accident, I now hear that Sarah Palin, on her way back from Florida to Alaska to see him, stopped off to appear at a Trump rally…. ‪#‎johnmccainsgiftthatkeepsongiving‬ .

Pete Rose is the latest to endorse Trump: The Donald is really racking up the famous athletes who had a lot of collisions with other players and walls.

 –

Ditka, Rose, Hogan, Damon…. The list of Trump endorsers grows. So how does it not yet include Donald Sterling?

 

Metro North and LIRR commuter trains to and from New York City normally allow riders to drink. But they will be dry Thursday, St Patrick’s Day, through 5 a.m. Friday. Meaning, it’s chug-a-lug time before boarding. ‪#‎ifonlytheywereallarmed‬