Posted tagged ‘Florida jokes’

Derby eve.

May 6, 2016

Happy Kentucky Derby Eve, or Derby Day, depending when you read this: The Kentucky Derby is 142 years old. But it might be the perfect sporting event for our time – to give it their full attention, the race only requires people to put down their phones for 2 minutes.

 

The Kardashians flew down to Cuba to film an episode of their reality show. If Raoul Castro really wants to improve relations with the U.S. maybe Cuba can keep them?

 

Tim Lincecum pitched off the mound today. Timmy has 2 important qualities ‪#‎SFGiants‬ are now looking for in a 4th or 5th starter – Alive & Breathing

In St. Cloud, Florida, a 25 year-old man allegedly fatally shot his brother in an argument over a cheeseburger.  Will he say he was just standing his ground beef?

Jeb Bush has joined Lindsay Graham in saying he will not vote for Donald Trump nor Hillary Clinton. Well, this should make a difference to both of Jeb’s former supporters.

A Reuters/Ipsos poll says ” Nearly half” of U.S voters plan to vote for Clinton or Trump in November mainly to keep the other side from winning. Only half?

Email today asking if I have “Decided not to thank President Obama for fighting Citizens United?” because I haven’t signed some card yet. Why do I think that if I ignore the email President Obama will get over it?

The LA Angels of Anaheim, below .500 and already struggling with injuries, have lost starter Garrett Richards for the season. Looking like only thing that could really save their season – moving to the NL West.

Golfer Zac Blair was disqualified from the Wells Fargo Championship for using a bent putter. The putter had got bent when he hit himself in the head with it after missing an earlier putt. And apparently you can replace clubs but not when damage is done in anger. ‪#‎andwethoughtthebalkrulewasweird‬

GOP chairman Reince Priebus on Donald Trump’s Cinco de Mayo tweet. “He’s trying.” Yes, very.

Sen. Lindsey Graham said today he will not vote for either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton in the 2016 presidential election. But he expects to be re-elected as someone who can make tough decisions facing our country?

 

London has elected Sadiq Khan as their first Muslim mayor. ‪#‎IblameObama‬

 

Dick Cheney says he will support Trump’s candidacy. Makes sense, maybe Cheney hopes the Donald will choose him as a running mate and let the former VP run the country again

And  happy birthday to Willie Mays, still the Say Hey Kid at 85.   (This picture taken at spring training when Willie was still a young 84.)

willie

Point – counterpoint?

March 24, 2016

Today ‪#‎Cruz‬ called ‪#‎Trump‬ a “sniveling coward.” So in Presidential debates can we expect one of them to say “‪#‎Hillary‬ you ignorant slut?”

 

The GOP has hammered Obama for staying in Cuba and then traveling to Argentina after the Brussels attacks. Right, a real leader would have stayed home and fought a Twitter battle over his opponent’s spouses?

Today was the 15th anniversary of the day Randy Johnson pulverized a bird with a pitch. Poor bird, if he had only been hit by Barry Zito, he’d have been telling the story to his grandchicks.

#‎RGIII‬ has signed with the Cleveland ‪#‎Browns‬. Same circus, different ringmaster?

 

In Indiana, it is now illegal to abort a pregnancy because of fetal abnormalities. But no doubt the “pro-life” folks will also make sure mothers of disabled babies/children/adults will have welfare and medical care as long as they need it…… ‪#‎sarcasm‬

 

In Palm Bay, a 24-year-old woman, angry her boyfriend was at a topless bar, confronted him in the parking lot, fought with him, and then ran him over with a car Back on your game, Florida. ‪#‎ifonlyshewasarmed‬

 

Florida looking to extend their lead for the week: A woman and her husband were both arrested after she hit him with a Burrito Supreme and he responded by stabbing her in the hand with a fork he was using to eat a Taco Bell pizza. ‪#‎standyourguacamole‬?

 

Arizona Cardinals coach Bruce Arians, saying only “fools” don’t want their kids to play football. “This is the greatest game in the world I think it teaches more values than any other game that you play.”
Right, that’s why the NFL leads other pro sports leagues with their arrest rate….

You know it’s really spring in Denver when…. a blizzard shuts down the airport.

 

Passengers on board a private plane escaped injury when their landing gear collapsed at San Jose Airport. Good thing it wasn’t United – they’d have probably started to charge a wheels fee.

So in the SF Bay Area March means two things: Next month the Giants are back. And next month the 49ers will make another bad draft pick.

OK, 66 is WAY too damn young. R.I.P Garry Shandling. My favorite quote – “My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.”

Michele Bachmann wrote a long rambling post basically intimating that the Brussels bombings were Obama’s fault because God wanted to force the media to pull their attention from his Cuba trip. Wow. Is Bachmann angling for a post in a possible Trump cabinet?

From Dwight Perry, “If you think the NFL’s “what’s a catch?” rule can be cruel, ponder this for a second: Northern Iowa won an NCAA tournament game on a half-court heave that was still in the air 10 feet from the basket when the final buzzer sounded — and Cincinnati lost even though its tying shot was inside the cylinder at the buzzer. The latter because the shooter’s fingertip was still touching the ball.
Yeah, sports are weird.

 

 

 

 

 

If you are reading this….

March 15, 2016

And haven’t pressed “submit” tonight, either you don’t care or shouldn’t you be working on your brackets?

As we approach March Madness, remember, nothing is certain but death, taxes, and Kansas finding a way to lose before the finals.

 

 

In retrospect one reason shows like “The Bachelor” are so popular – you get to watch people make really stupid decisions and it doesn’t affect the fate of the world? ‪#‎Presidentialprimaries‬

 

 

So now Pete Rose’s lawyer is denying that Rose sent Trump a baseball saying “Mr. Trump, please make America great again.” The Donald claims the baseball was an endorsement.
And how could you doubt either of these fine  gentlemen? ‪#‎sarcasm‬

Disney has announced that Harrison Ford, 73, will return for a fifth Indiana Jones movie in 2019. Only this time the lost relic will be Jones himself.

The US House is holding two hearings on the water crisis in Flint, Michigan. Would that they keep at this with the same intensity they have on Benghazi.

 

New England Patriots safety Nate Ebner will take a leave of absence from the team to train for the U.S. rugby team and this summer’s Olympics. Other international rugby teams just demanded a guard on the rugby balls.

A traffic monitoring group says that the average San Francisco commuter spent more than three days in traffic in 2015. And down in Los Angeles they’re thinking “amateurs.”

Rick Pitino, defending his embattled Louisville program, says that the problem was a graduate assistant, Andre McGee “whose sole responsibility was to make sure they do the right things.”
Right, because in major programs, all graduate assistants have the power and the $$$$$$ to hire prostitutes. And none of the coaching staff would have any clue.
I think I like “pushed into a lifeboat better.”

Hillary Clinton was caught on a “hot mic” speculating about Chris Christie’s reasons for endorsing Donald Trump. “Did he have a debt or something?” Whatever you think of Hillary, the woman is not stupid.

So what’s the difference between ‪#‎MarcoRubio‬ and ‪#‎JebBush‬?   About three weeks? ‪#‎GOPPrimary‬

Ben Carson, in explaining why he endorsed the Donald, said that even if Trump “turns out not to be such a great president … we’re only looking at four years.” as opposed to if the Democrats win “multiple generations and perhaps the loss of the American dream forever.”
Wow, well at least someone thinks Hillary is powerful.

 

So folks saying they always knew ‪#‎Trump‬ ‪#‎Clinton‬ would be 2016 Pres. candidates also will pretend their 1st weekend brackets are perfect?

Donald ‪#‎Trump‬ is  saying. “We need to bring our party together.”. And never has Tonto’s quote been more apt  – “Who’s ‘we’. white man?”

‪#‎TedCruz‬, doubling down on promise to be a strong president for Israel. Sorry, I thought we were choosing President for the US? ‪#‎GOPPrimary‬

 

Since ‪#‎TedCruz‬ might be last alternative to ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬ would like to thank the San Antonio  ‪#‎Spurs‬ for reminding us of the possibilities of sanity in Texas.

Jerry Brown,  “If Trump were ever elected, we’d have to build a wall around California to defend ourselves from the rest of this country.”

Another reason we Californians love Governor Moonbeam 2.0.   (He did add   “By the way that is a joke. We don’t like walls, we like bridges.”)

How long is it?

March 14, 2016

Open note to whoever leaked the NCAA tournament brackets, and thus spoiled CBS’s efforts to turn the selection show into a bloated two-hour commercial fest; mean bitch Karma wants to shake your hand.

 

Coach John Calipari is not happy with Kentucky’s #4 seed. Because few of his one-and-dones can count that high?

 

The NCAA is looking into finding out who leaked their ‪#‎MarchMadness‬ brackets. While they’re at it can they also find the person who decided a two-hour selection show was a good idea? ‪#‎criminalstupidity‬.

Stanford has fired men’s basketball coach Johnny Dawkins. What ingratitude for the man who brought them 2 NIT championships.

 

 

ESPN reports that in a Congressional committee discussion today on concussions Jeff Miller, the NFL’s senior V.P. for health and safety was asked if the link between football and neurodegenerative diseases like CTE has been established: And he said “The answer to that question is certainly yes.
Hmm, is this because Mike Ditka endorsed Trump?

My friend Pat Markevitch saw a Marco Rubio rally on TV.. A Sanders supporter was in the crowd holding up a Bernie sign. Rubio said “Don’t worry, you won’t get beat up at my rally”.
Isn’t it nice to know someone in the GOP has standards?

 

I may make jokes about Florida, where I went to high school. But my friends who still live there get revenge every four years – because their votes actually COUNT in a presidential primary and election. ‪#‎Californiabluerthanblue‬

Polls showing ‪#‎Trump‬ crushing ‪#‎Rubio‬ in Florida. Is this because Floridians really don’t know Trump, or because they really do know Rubio?

Tinder apparently was down Monday.  The horror. So Americans had to meet their Ms. and Mr. Right Nows the old fashioned way – in a bar.

Sarah Palin canceled her appearance at a Trump rally because her husband Todd has been injured in a snow machine crash. Waiting to see how they can make this Obama’s fault.

 

So after feeling the TEENIEST bit guilty for making a bus to hell joke about Todd Palin’s snow machine accident, I now hear that Sarah Palin, on her way back from Florida to Alaska to see him, stopped off to appear at a Trump rally…. ‪#‎johnmccainsgiftthatkeepsongiving‬ .

Pete Rose is the latest to endorse Trump: The Donald is really racking up the famous athletes who had a lot of collisions with other players and walls.

 –

Ditka, Rose, Hogan, Damon…. The list of Trump endorsers grows. So how does it not yet include Donald Sterling?

 

Metro North and LIRR commuter trains to and from New York City normally allow riders to drink. But they will be dry Thursday, St Patrick’s Day, through 5 a.m. Friday. Meaning, it’s chug-a-lug time before boarding. ‪#‎ifonlytheywereallarmed‬

Marching into madness.

March 13, 2016

 

As we approach March Madness with all of these relatively no-name teams, interesting to note that two of the most watchable superstars in the NBA went to Davidson and San Diego State.

Stony Brook beat Vermont today and is heading for their first NCAA tournament. Maybe those who want to pick them in their bracket can take this time to figure out where the school is?

Former Clippers owner Donald Sterling and his wife Shelley, who have been married 60 years, have apparently called off their divorce proceedings. Maybe they couldn’t remember why they were getting divorced in the first place?

The Pac 12 has a new policy for athletes restricting transfer students who are ineligible at previous schools because of assault, harassment or academic fraud. This follows a similar but not identical policy change from the SEC – which now bars transfers with histories of sexual assault or domestic violence. Apparently they couldn’t say “academic fraud” with a straight face.

At Thursday’s GOP debate, John Kasich “I do believe we contribute to climate change. You can have strong environmental policy at the same time as you have strong economic growth.” Well, you start seeing why he’s in 4th place in the Republican field. ‪#‎notcrazyenough‬

So when did ‪#‎StPatricksDay‬ become a week long holiday?
At Thursday’s GOP debate, John Kasich “I do believe we contribute to climate change. You can have strong environmental policy at the same time as you have strong economic growth.” Well, you start seeing why he’s in 4th place in the Republican field. ‪#‎notcrazyenough‬
Okay, every candidate deserves a right to hold rallies. But Trump’s canceled rally yesterday was scheduled at a Chicago campus known for a large minority/immigrant student body. When there are plenty of Chicago suburbs (like Winnetka) that would be more receptive locations. Although I’m sure Trump’s campaign would never deliberately try to incite trouble ‪#‎sarcasm‬.

A woman sailing on the Independence of the Seas out of Ft. Lauderdale had to be taken off the ship by fireboat to a hospital after she opened a bottle of champagne she had brought on board and popped the cork right into her eye. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ ‪#‎ifonlyshewasarmed‬

 

Marco Rubio on Trump “I still at this moment continue to intend to support the Republican nominee, but it’s getting harder every day.” Wait, is that another d*ck joke?

Yep, nailed it. President Obama on the GOP establishment being shocked by Trump’s attacks on Muslims and immigrants: “How could you be shocked? This was the guy who was sure I was born in Kenya. As long as it was being directed at me they were fine with it.

From Marc Ragovin:   “I went to a hockey game the other day and a Donald Trump rally broke out.”

 

(oh, and from that first item – for non-college basketball fans, Stephen Curry is from Davidson,  Kawhi Leonard from San Diego State.)

 

 

Big tents

March 9, 2016

This week is the World Clown Convention in Orlando. And next week is the Florida primary.  Coincidence?

 

Alec Baldwin, 57, has announced he and his wife are expecting a baby boy this fall, meaning they will have three children age 3 three and under. And well, if any dad can teach his kids how to throw a tantrum….

 

Social media is apparently at odds as to whether Bernie Sanders’ suit tonight was brown or blue. But presumably the confusion is absolutely Wall Street’s fault.

Pollsters in Michigan may be out of work after their miserable showing in the Democratic primary. On the other hand, many of them have been offered jobs running the numbers for Trump’s tax plan.

Apparently with Brock Osweiler going to the Texans, the Broncos are interested in Colin Kaepernick. Hmm, maybe Peyton Manning shouldn’t get too comfortable in retirement.

A pro-gun 31-year-old Florida mother was arguing on Facebook Monday saying “Even my 4 year old gets jacked up to target shoot with the .22”  Tuesday mom was in stable condition in the the hospital after the kid found the loaded gun in her car and shot mom while she was driving.  Is it fair to hope they don’t discharge her in time to vote in Tuesday’s primary?

#howdoyoustopagoodchildwithagun?

 

In central Florida, a second grade substitute teacher was arrested for being drunk in class. The principal first became suspicious because she didn’t know the day of the week. But really, in Florida, isn’t the day of the week a fourth or fifth grade lesson?

If ‪#‎CarlyFiorina‬ really wanted to help ‪#‎TedCruz‬ she’d sign up in California to help run ‪#‎Trump‬ campaign.

Here’s a”cheer up it could be worse” item for passengers who feel squeezed on United Airlines 777 planes in coach. The airline is planning to change their domestic 777’s from 9-across seating, to 10-across seating. So yes, it could, and will be worse.

 

At Paris-CDG Airport a woman was arrested after she apparently had sneaked a child onto a flight from Istanbul in a carry-on bag. And a whole lot of airlines got a new idea for a new really no-frills fare. ‪#‎carryonseating‬

Interesting note, Michigan has open primaries. So wonder which number was higher – Republicans voting for Bernie to cause trouble for the Democrats, or Dems voting for Trump to try to screw the GOP?

At least Marco Rubio accomplished something with his personal insults against Trump – “My kids were embarrassed by it.” That’s impressive. Two of his children aren’t even teenagers yet.

 

Under the guise of protecting women, Florida just passed a massively restrictive bill to limit abortion, which requires providers to meet very strict medical standards, even when the “abortion” is morning-after pills. But if we really want Florida women to rise up in anger, maybe someone should demand similar restrictions also apply to clinics doing, for starters, liposuction and botox…..

 

 

And we thought ‪#‎PAC12‬ football got hosed with TV: :‪#‎Pac12Hoops‬ tournament has 1st 3 days with games at 1145pm EST & finals at 1015p Saturday.

From Marc Ragovin “I’m not saying the NY Knicks are on their last legs, but Phil Jackson just said they are throwing all of their stock in Florida next Tuesday.”

Movie night.

February 17, 2016

“Being There,” “The Ides of March,” “Bulworth,” “Man of the Year”.. etc. Thinking after 2016 they may never again be able to make a satirical movie about running for President, since art will never be the equal of life.

 

Nothing is certain but death, taxes and NEVER counting ‪#‎Duke‬ out against ‪#‎NorthCarolina‬

 

Apparently millennials bought over 40% of the wine sold in the US last year. Well, they certainly did over 80% of the whining.

President Obama’s in his 2017 budget proposal has removed $10 million in funding for “abstinence-only” sexual education classes in public schools. Makes sense, save the money for where it is really needed for those kids – education on being parents.

#‎NottheOnion‬ Glenn Beck today called into a radio show to say that God had allowed Justice Scalia to die now to try to wake the American people up – “See how close your liberty is to being lost ” and to get them to elect Ted Cruz.
And God is saying, “Don’t blame me, I haven’t done anything that bat-shit crazy since I created the platypus.”

 

The Yankees are banning print-at-home tickets; they are trying to battle with Stubhub for selling tickets cheaper than the team for some games. Well, it’s understandable, I suppose, such a small market team needs to pinch every penny.

A new FDA study found that many brands of “100% grated Parmesan cheese” contained significant amounts of cellulose (wood fiber), and that Target’s Market Pantry brand had no parmesan at all (it had other cheese plus cellulose.) Well, and the cheese still might be more authentic than many dishes at Olive Garden.

An American Airlines plane clipped the tail of a Southwest Airlines jet yesterday morning at Detroit Metropolitan Airport. Wonder if the pilots were texting at the time?

 

El Chapo is complaining that life behind bars is “turning me into a zombie.” So will his next prison break be titled the “Zombie Apocalypse?”

American Idol’s last season continues but we still can’t vote yet.  Sort of like the pre-primary polling for this Presidential election, but not quite as much fun of a circus.

Apparently neither Justice Scalia nor his friends paid for that trip to the luxury ranch last weekend,  and the ranch owner had business before the Supreme Court.  But it’s okay, because the people who are most livid about that are the same ones slamming Hillary Clinton for her paid speeches to Wall Street etc…  #sarcasm

 

A fake news story is making the rounds about a man dying in a meth lab explosion after setting his own farts on fire. But you know, it’s Florida, so it could be true.

Ted Cruz, born in Calgary as the son of a Cuban father and an American mother , said ‘I’ve never breathed a breath of air on this world not as a U.S. citizen It was the act of birth that made me a U.S. citizen.”
Right, even though Cruz lived in Canada until he was four, and didn’t renounce Canadian citizenship until 2014. Somewhere in the White House, Barack Obama is giggling.

Now Nike has dumped Manny Paquaio over his comments comparing homosexuals to animals, which included him saying, .”Have you seen any animal having male-to-male or female-to-female relations?
Well, leaving aside Paquaio forgetting a cardinal rule – gay consumers spend $$$$ – actually if he did any research at all he would know many animals DO display homosexual behavior. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

Nikki Haley is endorsing Marco Rubio in the South Carolina primary. Stand by for Trump attacks on the S.C. governor in 3.2.1….

S.C. GOP Congressman Trey Gowdy is upset about a fake Facebook post saying he endorsed Ted Cruz: “It appears that the campaign of Sen. Ted Cruz may not place the same value on waging a contest based on the truth and facts.”
And the rest of the GOP field responds “What are these ‘truth and facts’ you speak of?”


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