Posted tagged ‘pumpkin jokes’

Under covers man?

September 27, 2017

RIP #HughHefner. Bunnies across the world will put their ears at half-staff.

 

Seems so quaint talking about death of a man who put naked women on magazine covers when we have pussy-grabber in White House. #HughHefner

At Hugh Hefner’s funeral will mourners say they are only there for the jokes?

Matt Cain is retiring. I feel old.  #perfectgame  @SFGiants

 

As #Cubs win NL Central again, hard to believe only a year ago #SFGiantswere 1 inning away from forcing them to Game 5 w/ Cueto starting.

Trump: “NFL has to change” or “their business is going to hell.” @NFL response? “Funny, we were thinking the same about your administration”

Now it’s #RickPitino fired over latest NCAA scandal. Men’s college basketball is enough to make you long for the purity of pro wrestling.

An Ohio woman was arrested for DUI when she drove to pick up her boyfriend. Police arrested her at the sheriff’s office where the man was after HE had been arrested for drunk drinking.
Your move, Florida.

Magic Johnson – “Nobody said anything when Tom Brady said he wasn’t going when President Obama was sitting there. And now all the sudden Stephen Curry doesn’t want to go and he makes it a big deal? I think that’s wrong.”
“Loser Magic” tweets in 3.2.1….

Jared Kushner is apparently registered as a female voter in New York. And he’s been going into men’s bathrooms. The horror. #lockhimup?

Some of #RoyMoore‘s belief- gays should not be parents, Obama not born in US, etc, make you wonder if North should have let South secede.

Trump on tax plan that eliminates estate tax – “I think there’s very little benefit for people of wealth.” He said it w/straight face. #WTF?

 

Trump touting tax cuts as “middle class miracle.” As in if they pass it will be a miracle if there are any Americans left in middle class.

This overload of pumpkin stuff at Trader Joe’s is making me long for October when they will replace it with Christmas merchandise.

 

Admittedly there’s some evil cleverness in pushing tax cuts for rich while saying wealthy people could “call me all they want, it’s not going to help.”

Yesterday was #NationalVoterRegistrationDay. Actually EVERY day should be National Voter Registration Day. If you don’t vote, don’t bitch.

A WH official today says Indiana is ‘special’ to Trump. “It’s where he met then-Governor, now Vice President Pence, so it kind of holds a special place in his heart for that reason.”
Uh oh, did someone tell Karen Pence, aka Mother?

That moment when man who accepted Russian citizenship attacks NFL players as “disgusting” & not respecting American flag. #StevenSeagal

 

3 Trump tweets pushing Alabama to vote for Luther Strange deleted last night after Strange lost. Because @realDonaldTrump is NEVER wrong?

 

Don Jr. is back w/ Secret Service protection. During week he was unattended he took big $$ trip to kill a moose. Sure it’s just coincidence.

Walking the plank?

October 7, 2015

The 2015 98-win ‪#‎Pirates‬ are gone after 1 post-season game. The 1993 103-win ‪#‎Giants‬ would have liked 1 post-season game. ‪#‎Wildcard

‪For the second year in a row, the #‎Pirates‬ are out in post-season. But Pittsburgh is well on their way to becoming official MLB team of college basketball.  ‪#‎oneanddone‬

A new study found that Donald Trump supporters have the worst grammar on Facebook. And angry Trump fans are saying “Not true, my grammar is/was a great person, so is my grampa.”

Colin Kaepernick – “I don’t play for job security.” Good thing, as the 49ers QB isn’t playing like he’s going to have any.

A rainy June in Illinois wiped out a lot of this year’s U.S. pumpkin crop which may mean a canned pumpkin shortage by Thanksgiving. Stand by for Starbucks’ new “Zucchini Spice Latte.”

Sepp Blatter will reportedly be suspended for 90 days by FIFA’s ethics committee. Shocking. FIFA HAS an ethics committee?

The NFL is talking about playing some future games in Mexico. Talk about a way to undercut Trump’s allegations that criminals only come north across the border.

ESPN is reporting that NY Knicks coach Derek Fisher and Grizzlies forward Matt Barnes “were involved in an physical altercation” last weekend at the home of Barnes’ ex-wife. Who says the Knicks won’t make headlines this year?

The mother of the Oregon shooter is now saying when she was pregnant that she read “Trump’s Art of The Deal” to him as an unborn baby. Talk about a way to have a child start out thinking the world is an awful place.

Chuck E Cheese is going to expand their alcohol selection in order to appeal more to parents. Wonder how many drinks it will take before their food actually tastes like pizza?

Kevin McCarthy, backtracking on his comments implying that the Benghazi investigations in the House were a political weapon against Hillary Clinton: “I could have been more clear in my description of what was going forward.”
Uh, Rep. McCarthy. I think the problem was that you WERE crystal clear, and honest.

GOP House members today created a special committee on Wednesday to investigate Planned Parenthood. Could someone please ask Kevin McCarthy what the goals of the committee are?

Rupert Murdoch tweeted today in support of Ben Carson. “What about a real black President who can properly address the racial divide? And much else.” Assume Murdoch also considers Clarence Thomas a “real black” Supreme Court judge

-.

Ben Carson doubling down on his Oregon shooting comments: “I was chuckling at the silly reporters, at not being able to understand such a simple concept. If you know someone is going to kill you, and they’re going to systematically kill you one by one, why would you sit there and wait for them to do it?”
Can’t wait to hear someone ask him a question about rape.

Finally,  if you are reading this, guess the Rapture hasn’t happened yet. ‪#‎Doomsday‬

The horror.

September 28, 2015

Facebook was down for about an hour Monday. The horror. Millions of Americans were forced actually to work.

Washington suspended Jonathan Papelbon 4 games for choking teammate Bryce Harper, and Papelbon accepted MLB’s 3 game suspension for throwing at Manny Machado, so the closer’s season is over. Of course, so was the Nationals’ the day they traded for him.

Who knew that Papelbon-Harper would turn out to be far more riveting than Mayweather-Pacquiao?

People Magazine is reporting Kris Jenner saying about Caitlyn Jenner “I wish I’d never met this man.” Funny, that’s what millions of Americans are saying about meeting Kris’s entire family.

The Washington Nationals pulled Papelbon’s jersey from their stadium shop today. Guessing kids in Africa may have a choice between them and more than a few overstocked Sandoval Red Sox jerseys.

(although the Sandoval jerseys have the added advantage of doubling as tents.)

It’s not even October 1. Anyone but me already tired of ‪#‎Pumpkin‬?

Hillary Clinton, asked today if she’s”a Pumpkin Spice Latte kind of gal.” “Ha! The true answer is I used to be until I saw how many calories are in them”
Waiting for the GOP to condemn her for an elitist act like reading.

With all this talk about the ‪#‎Bloodmoon‬ it’s amazing Donald ‪#‎Trump‬ didn’t use the occasion once again to trash talk ‪#‎megynkelly‬

Former Australian rugby league player Jarryd Hayne had a 37 yd punt return for SF yesterday in their 47-7 loss against Arizona. Shocking. The 49ers actually got the Cardinals to punt?

Last weekend George Zimmerman retweeted a graphic photo of Trayvon Martin’s corpse sent to him by an admirer who called Zimmerman “a one man army.” Can’t we figure out a way for George to get in an argument with dentist Walter Palmer?

An Arizona woman says she found a 26-pound bundle of marijuana that had fallen from a drug smuggler’s plane into her dog house. And a whole lot of people serving time now are going “Why didn’t I think of that?”

Two Ohio alleged bank robbers were arrested after they posted selfies with money on Facebook. Your move, Florida. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

Another Arizona woman tried to fake an armed robbery by calling 911 to say she had been attacked and stabbed in her restaurant parking lot. She just didn’t notice the police car parked within sight. They arrested her and found the money in her car. ‪#‎morecompetitionforFlorida‬ ‪#‎Cantfixstupid‬

The Missouri Attorney General said his office has concluded an investigation and “the evidence reviewed supports Planned Parenthood’s representation that fetal tissue is handled in accordance with Missouri law.”
Waiting for the first GOP candidate to say “well what does an attorney general know about law?”

Let’s make a deal?

October 19, 2014

The Cowboys’ Joseph Randle, arrested for shoplifting underwear last week, has now signed an endorsement deal with MeUndies, an underwear company. So how long until Jameis Winston signs with Red Lobster?

Open note to haters. If God really is anti-gay, then how to explain the team that signed Michael Sam to their practice squad having a better season than even their hard core fans could have imagined? ‪#‎Cowboys‬

(And no, I am STILL not a Dallas fan. But credit where credit is due.)

 

Will all these people complaining about an 88 win team playing a 87 win team in the  World Series please consider that the “better” MLB teams have a 2 and 16 record in the 2014 postseason against the  Kansas City Royals and the SF Giants..

The Keene, NH, Pumpkin Festival turned into a riot last night, and police had to use tear gas and pepper spray to disperse the crowd. So do we add pumpkin to the list of gateway drugs?.

Peyton Manning threw his 508th career TD pass today, tying Brett Favre’s NFL record. Asked to comment, especially after watching some other QBs today, Favre responded “well, 508 is my total, so far.”

 

FSU coach Jimbo Fisher after beating Notre Dame. “This team has tremendous what I call ‘adversity tolerance.”  Over-under on how many Seminoles players can spell “adversity tolerance”?

On a brighter note these days, especially after last’s night debacle in Tempe,   at least Stanford fans don’t have to worry any more about all those “David Shaw being lured to the NFL rumors.”

 

But on the other hand, Notre Dame is upset because their game comes down to  a controversial  referee decision. And the rest of college football is trying not to giggle.

Spain’s “Special Ebola Committee” says that the nurse aide who had contracted Ebola is now free of the virus. Although why should we let a little good news get in the way of serious hysteria.

Here we go again, now it’s Rep. Peter King demanding Obama must immediately ban on anyone traveling from West African countries with Ebola to the USA. Now, first, there are visa issues. But if anyone IS in one of those countries who is either a U.S. citizen or has a green card or U.S visa, well, of course they wouldn’t think of buying two or more separate tickets to get around such a ban, would they?

Meanwhile from Alex Kaseberg:  ” The Canadian Ebola vaccine looks very promising. If Canada can rid themselves of Justin Bieber, they can get rid of anything.”

 

 

R.I.P. Nashville songwriter Paul Craft, 76. He wrote for the Eagles, Linda Ronstadt, and Ray Stevens. And he did write the country song with perhaps the greatest title ever, “Dropkick me Jesus. (Through the Goalposts of Life.)