Posted tagged ‘wild card jokes’

Not so smooth sailing?

January 8, 2017

 

On the brighter side for #NYGiants they now have all the time in the world to plan more boat parties.

Four blowout wild-card football games this weekend remind us why baseball is the best sport. No matter how lopsided the score there is always a chance for a comeback.

The Miami Dolphins looked as overmatched against Ben Roethlisberger today as a co-ed in a bar. #Bustohell

Fired coach #SonnyDykes was 19-30 in four years at Cal.  19-30,   Sounds like a possible coaching upgrade for @49ers.

The 76ers have improved to 10-25, and Joel Embiid is talking about the playoffs -“I think we have a chance. We’ve been hot lately.”
Did they legalize marijuana in Pennsylvania and not tell us?

 

Amazing how many who insisted Obama was helped/influenced by foreign Muslims have no problem w/ Russia being helped/influenced by Russia.

To save time money & risk maybe television networks could pick  one joint pool person to report outside per major storm? “Yes, it’s raining/snowing hard” here.

Mariah Carey today said that on New Year’s eve she “was looking forward to a celebratory moment with the world. It’s a shame that we were put into the hands of a production team with technical issues who chose to capitalize on circumstances beyond our control.”
Four words Mariah, “Give it up already.”

On @FaceTheNation @CoryBooker very good in defending Obamacare but looked quite orange. Maybe makeup artist wanted him to look presidential.

 

Martin Shkreli has been suspended from Twitter for harassing woman journalist. What a shame that policy didn’t apply to candidates during the Presidential election.

Hugh Laurie tonight reminded us how much we miss House. Hugh Grant reminds us of what Prime Minister could say to US President #GoldenGlobes

 

If @CoryBooker is elected President in 2020 I would like to nominate #MerylStreep as Director of Communications or Press Secretary #GoldenGIobe

British PM Theresa May asked what she thought about Trump’ s pussy grabbing comments ‘as a woman’.
Her response “‘I think that’s unacceptable but I think Donald Trump himself has said that and has apologised for it.” And “the relationship the UK has with the US is about something much bigger than the relationship between the two individuals as president and prime minister…. it’s a relationship where we feel in the UK we can say to the US if we disagree with something.”
Right, and our President-Elect is so magnanimous in dealing with those who disagree with him. #passthepopcorn

No mound exit.

October 6, 2016

You do have to wonder how many shut out innings Madison Bumgarner was planning on pitching last night #SFGiants

Although, as the legend grows, Bumgarner reportedly to Gillaspie after 3-run home run top of 9th ” Conor, I appreciate the hell out of that.” #SFGiants

 

Nice tweet today   “Baseball has a way of ripping your ❤️ out, stabbing it, putting it back in your chest, then healing itself just in time for Spring Training.”

The tweeter?   Noah Syndergaard.

So are the ALDS teams even playing the same sport as the #Mets & #SFGiants played last night? #TORvsTEX #BOSvsCLE #notexactlypitchersduels

President Obama’s approval rating is up to 55%, the highest in his second term. No doubt because the longer this election season goes on, the more many Americans have decided they don’t want him to leave.

 

Waiting for #Trump to say if he were President he’d have a beautiful wall to protect USA from #HurricaneMatthew & Mexico would pay for it.

 

Florida Governor Rick Scott, reiterating an evacuation call for the state: ‘Do not surf. Do not go on the beach. This will kill you.”
He could also add “Beachgoers and surfers will automatically qualify for a Darwin award.”

Apparently a number of people are planning to stay put and try to ride #HurricaneMatthew out. On the brighter side for humanity, not only are they probable Darwin winners, these folks probably won’t be around to vote. #cantfixstupid

Although it’s from October 30, 2012, this tweet is real, from Donald Trump “Hurricane is good luck for Obama again- he will buy the election by handing out billions of dollars.”
#nocomment

Rush Limbaugh said this week of Hurricane Matthew predictions that the National Weather service, which is “part of the Obama administration.. might be playing games because it’s in the interests of the left to have destructive hurricanes because then they can blame it on climate change, which they can continue desperately continue trying to sell.”
#Wearegoingtoneedabiggerbasket

Who says he doesn’t care about average Americans? Donald Trump at a rally today:. “I don’t care how sick you are. I don’t care if you just came back from the doctor and he gave you the worst possible prognosis, meaning it’s over, you won’t be around in two weeks. Doesn’t matter. Hang out till November 8th. Get out and vote.”

Ok, for those who didn’t think #HurricaneMatthew was serious. The #SEC has actually cancelled the LSU Florida football game.

 

During a parliamentary debate in Noraway, Prime Minister Erna Solberg was reportedly seen on camera using her phone to play Pokemon Go. Well, it’s at least as productive as trying to repeal Obamacare for the 57th time.

One and done.

October 4, 2016

Whatever happens in NL Wild Card game, unlike Buck Showalter, Bruce Bochy won’t face questions about not using his superstar reliever; SF Giants don’t have one

In WS game 7, #Bochy used his best starter to relieve for 5 innings, in do-or-die WC game #Showalter didn’t use best reliever for 1.

Somewhere #JoeCarter is smiling #ALWildCard #BlueJays

Open note to @orioles fans. Watching a reliever in orange & black give up game-winning homer, we #SFGiants fans feel your pain. #ALWildcard

Fans in Canada watching tonight’s AL Wild Card game had to be almost as happy as Canadians enjoying watching the U.S. Election. #notourproblem

Kaine-Pence VP debate tonight “I’ll take two men who most Americans had never heard of and wouldn’t recognize on the street for $500, Alex.”

Well, the VP candidates did accomplish one thing jointly -finishing up in time for us to see the end of #ALWildCard #VPDebate

“A knockout blow in VP debate can make a major difference in the Presidential election” Former Vice President Lloyd Bentsen. #VPdebate

One sure thing about tonight’s debate, if #MIkePence & #TimKaine were their party’s nominees, many comedy writers would be out of business.

Who but me was waiting for #ElaineQuijano to go all Sister Mary Elephant in this debate? “Class. Class Class….” #VPDebate

Has anyone checked Mike Pence’s hearing lately? He clearly hasn’t heard a word his running mate has said. #VPDebate

Trump supporters are furious that Julian Assange didn’t release information today to damage Hillary Clinton’s campaign. So they were hoping that for a few days Wikileaks could offset Trump’s 3:00am tweets?

Mike Pence sounded tonight like he’s been  paying as much attention to what Trump says you’d think Pence might be married to him.

Pence just said of 16 million deportation plan, “that’s nonsense.” Yep, it is, & it was when your running mate @realDonaldTrump said it.

Mike Pence “A society can be judged by how it deals with its most vulnerable.” Unless they are undocumented immigrants, women with unwanted pregnancies  or LGBTs.

Pence talked about the sanctity of life. So if you’re absolutely pro-life how are you also pro-death penalty? #VPDebate

“He’s not a polished politician” Is that #MikePence‘s Trump “Get out of jail free” card? #VPDebate

Odell Beckham Jr , complaining about being targeted by the league, “I just gotta know that it’s all against me.” Of course it might help if the Giants’ WR didn’t spend so much time and effort painting the bulls eye on his own back.

While campaigning for Hillary, Bill Clinton referred to Obamacare as the “the craziest thing in the world.” So for all those comedy writers fearing that the end of the Trump campaign in November could mean a dearth of material, remember, Bill could be the gift that keeps on giving.

So Americans who have quit following the election because it was all too over the top and absurd can now focus on more important things, like what Kim Kardashian was doing in Paris with $10 million in jewelry and minimal security.

So since Kanye West is a self-proclaimed “genius” I presume he and Kim will be writing at least $10 million in losses off their future taxes?

And back to sports with Bill Littlejohn, on Peyton Manning tobogganing down The Great Wall of China: “Are they opening a new Papa John’s in Inner Mongolia?”

Moving out

October 3, 2016

The Atlanta Braves played their last game at Turner Field yesterday. Next year they will have a beautiful new stadium in the suburbs for fans not to show up to.

The home-plate umpire for Wednesdays Giants-Mets wild-card game is Mike Winters. SF fans might remember Winters as the ump who ejected Bruce Bochy in consecutive games last season.
East Coast bias conspiracy theories in 3….2…1…..

SF 49ers announced today that LB NaVorro Bowman injured his Achilles and will be out for the season. Is it too soon to be thinking about that #1 draft pick?

 

So @Vikings who’ve lost #TeddyBridgewater & #AdrianPeterson are 4-0. A few more injuries & they could be Super Bowl contenders? #NYGvsMIN

#VinScully may have been a #Dodgers announcer but he knows his #SFGiants. Yesterday Vin said of @hunterpence “He would make coffee nervous.”

#JohnnyManziel has filed to extend the trademark on “Johnny Football.” Can you trademark an oxymoron?

Trump’s campaign so far is turning us all into a nation with temporary ADD…. No sooner do we start focusing on one unbelievable statement than he says something else and we forget how ludicrous the last one was.

So we can argue over whether or not either Trump or Clinton truly believe they have the U.S.’s best interests at heart. But pretty damn sure Julian Assange doesn’t.

#NobelPrize winners will be announced this week. Wonder which one Donald Trump expects to get?

A Bloomberg poll shows Trump trailing but +13 with whites. If true this election is not doing much for the theory of white supremacy.

Donald Trump, speaking to veterans today “When people come back from war and combat, and they see things that maybe a lot of the folks in this room have seen many times over, and you’re strong and you can handle it, but a lot of people can’t handle it.”
So strong people don’t get PTSD the same as only losers get captured? WTF?

Maybe @realDonaldTrump didn’t mean to imply that strong vets don’t get PTSD, but how do you know? ” This is the guy who said about John McCain  “I like people that weren’t captured”

 

Everyone should have the genius to lose a billion dollars in a year so they can avoid taxes for the next decades. #TrumpFinancialTips.

Approaching MLB’s regular season last weak….

September 23, 2016

Whatever you think of Wild Cards in #MLB, without them there might not be a single game that would matter for last week of the season.

Okay, the #SFGiants have about 100 pitchers in their bullpen and in a one-run game in the 5th they turn it over to Matt Reynolds? #WTF?

New England QB Jacoby Brissett has a thumb injury. Gosh, hope the #Patriots have someone in mind as a  long-term possible replacement.

The Raiders’ Marquette King was fined over $18K for horse collar tackle last week. King is the team’s PUNTER. Wonder if he’s going to frame the NFL fine notice?

#KevinGarnett announced his retirement today. “The first time is the hardest” said Brett Favre.

Colin Kaepernick is on the cover of Time Magazine. Whatever you think of his protest nice to see an NFL player getting this much off-field media attention without his own arrest being involved.

Backup Seattle catcher Steve Clevenger has been suspended for tweeting about Charlotte: “BLM is pathetic once again! Obama you are pathetic! Everyone involved should be behind bars like animals!”
Clevenger has apologized and said he is not racist. But have to think the Mariners suspended him not just for racism but stupidity.

The Ohio county chair for Donald Trump’s who said “I don’t think there was any racism until Obama got elected” has resigned. Wonder if she’s already gotten a job offer from Fox News?

Does the #Patriots 3-0 start officially eliminate #TomBrady from this year’s NFL MVP competition?

So Ted Cruz has now endorsed Donald Trump and Kim Kardashian says after a long talk with Caitlyn that she’s on the fence. #Wearegoingtoneedabiggerbasket

#TedCruz thought that Americans would elect him to stand up to our enemies? In the end, he couldn’t even stand up to #Trump

 

Bruce Springsteen called Donald Trump “a moron.”   Chris Christie hasn’t felt so conflicted since he had to choose between the last two doughnuts on a plate.

#Trump tweeted out today “This is more than a campaign- it is a movement.” Uh, yeah, he left out a word – bowel.

A thought about tweets that get people in trouble. Yes, I get that it’s hard to say exactly what you mean in 140 characters. But if you’re a public figure without the gift of being succinct, maybe stick to Facebook?

 

#DonaldTrump called #TedCruz “the worst liar he’s ever known.” #Cruz called #Trump a “pathological liar.” Credit where credit is due.

To put this in sports terms, this is like them deciding to root for the Browns over the Bengals:
“The Cincinnati Enquirer has supported Republicans for president for almost a century — a tradition this editorial board doesn’t take lightly. But this is not a traditional race, and these are not traditional times.
Our country needs calm, thoughtful leadership to deal with the challenges we face at home and abroad. We need a leader who will bring out the best in all Americans, not the worst.
That’s why there is only one choice when we elect a president in November: Hillary Clinton.”

Here we go again. Another mass shooting, this time at a mall in the state of Washington. The alleged suspect is a reportedly a Hispanic male. So if true he’s mentally ill, not a terrorist. Unless he is an immigrant….. Sigh.

A little knowledge

January 10, 2016

Amazing. The same people who suddenly become experts on “triple axels” after watching two days of figure skating in the Olympics now are experts on where the laces should be on a field goal kick.

 

Donald Trump’s latest: NFL referees throw flags to impress their wives watching at home. ‘It (football) has become soft, and our country has become soft.'”
Remember those Furbys – were electronic pets that came up with all kinds of randomly correlated nonsense? Beginning to seem like one of them is running for President.

After this weekend, four NFL teams likely never to watch “Wizard of Oz” again – “There’s no place like home, my ass.” ‪#‎WildCardWeekend‬

The temperature was well below zero for Sunday’s  ‪#‎SEAvsMIN‬ game. Might have been almost as cold as White House family dinners after Hillary found out Monica was telling the truth.

So who will be the first ‪#‎GOP‬ candidate to blame today’s Washington game on Obama? ‪#‎GBvsWAS‬

The 49ers reportedly may hire Bengals offensive coordinator Hue Jackson as their new coach. Well, after yesterday’s Cincinnati meltdown, SF probably looks like less of a train wreck by comparison.

Watching the political craziness now thinking that had only the Stanford band decided to mock the Iowa caucuses instead of farmers, they’d be getting near universal applause.

Carly Fiorina missed yesterday’s GOP forum supposedly due to “travel issues.” Hmm. Maybe Carly missed a flight while trying hard to figure out which Wild Card NFL team came from the state with the earliest primary, so she could say even though she lives in California she was rooting for them?

 

Awful miss for Blair Walsh on what would have been his fourth field goal of the night, which would have probably won the game for the Vikings. But okay, four field goal attempts?! If Minnesota’s offense gets the ball into the end zone ONCE that kick is unnecessary. ‪#‎plentyofblametogoaround‬

Donald Trump today said he takes being compared to P.T.Barnum as a compliment. And indeed, the Donald isn’t aiming to “fool all of the people all of the time”, just over 50% or a plurality in the election.

Donald Trump is ramping up his birther attacks now on Ted Cruz. Once again, the Donald should be careful, seems pretty unlikely that furry thing that lives on his head was born in the U.S.

 

The President of Volkswagen said “We are not a criminal brand.” A criminal brand, no, a band of criminals, maybe.

Bus to hell time.   So a personal foul made the difference in setting up the Steelers’ game winning field goal.  Any other women find it ironic that alleged rapist wins a playoff game because another man was penalized for a stupid brutal act? ‪#‎PITvsCIN‬

Bungled

January 9, 2016

Nothing is certain but death, taxes, and the  Bengals finding a way to lose in the playoffs.

Silver lining dept: Suppose at least the Reds, who were up 2-0 and needed just one win in three home games to beat the SF Giants in the 2012 NLDS, are off the hook for the most crushing loss in modern Cincinnati sports history

Both teams had serious issues holding onto the football in rain. Where are the ‪#‎Patriots‬ ball boys when you need them? ‪#‎PITvsCIN‬

Happiest football fans not in Pittsburgh tonight have to be fans of the Denver Broncos. ‪#‎twosuckyteams‬ ‪#‎PITvsCIN‬

 

Two weeks ago, the Denver Broncos were down 14-0 at half time to the Cincinnati Bengals and almost out of the playoffs. Now, watching the Pittsburgh-Cincinnati game, and with Big Ben possibly out, got to wonder -maybe God really does want Peyton to retire with one more ring.

 

Roger Goodell apparently said in a report to all NFL teams that stadium solutions in San Diego, Oakland & St. Louis were “unsatisfactory” and “inadequate,” and that he would not block any of the teams’ relocating. Did anyone doubt that would be his deci$$$$$ion?

Watching former Cleveland QB Brian Hoyer’s  day for the Texans today makes you realize why the Browns took a chance on Johnny Manziel.

Thinking today ‪#‎AlexSmith‬ is just feeling brokenhearted about being booted to the ‪#‎Chiefs‬ from the ‪#‎49ers‬ in favor of ‪#‎ColinKaepernick‬.

Steve Deberg, Joe Montana, Steve Bono, Elvis Grbac, Alex Smith…. so how long does it take until Colin Kaepernick resurrects his career in Kansas City? ‪#‎49ers‬ ‪#‎Chiefs‬

So people said the Stanford Band’s halftime Rose Bowl performance was offensive but no one has a problem with children watching football seeing multiple erectile dysfunction commercials?

So some discussion on whether or not we should extradite “El Chapo” to the U.S. Seems reasonable enough to me if we can make a deal that Mexico keeps Ethan Couch?

Affluenza” mom Tonya Couch’s lawyers “We would like to thank Sheriff Dee Anderson for taking time out of his busy day serving as this county’s chief law enforcement officer to personally escort a 5’1”, 110 pound handcuffed and leg shackled female who was guarded by at least 2 armed deputies yesterday.”
Ah, sarcasm directed at the sheriff, and complaining about the jail accommodations. This is going to go well. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

In Germany, police were able to reunite an American woman with her $2.7 million violin after she accidentally left it on a train. Think I’m not going to feel so bad the next time I forget my sunglasses.

 

Apparently there will be a lot more security at the College Football championship game Monday than there will be at the Super Bowl. Don’t suppose there’s any correlation with the fact that the BCS game will be in Arizona, which has some of the most lenient gun laws in the country….

In Germany, police were able to reunite an American woman with her $2.7 million violin after she accidentally left it on a train. Think I’m not going to feel so bad the next time I forget my sunglasses.

 

Ted Cruz suggested on Friday that Hillary Clinton be given a “spanking” by voters. Is Cruz trying to appeal to that off-neglected kinky vote?

At a GOP forum today in South Carolina the candidates basically all agreed that government could not end poverty and they were against a culture of dependency. So of course in the spirit of helping people get ahead then they are all in favorite of education, child care programs, free mental health care and birth control, right?

Brilliant line from reader Frank W. on a guess for what date  El Chapo might escape yet again from prison.  “Dibs on Feb. 2 in the pool.”

(yeah, took me a few seconds.)

 

Walking the plank?

October 7, 2015

The 2015 98-win ‪#‎Pirates‬ are gone after 1 post-season game. The 1993 103-win ‪#‎Giants‬ would have liked 1 post-season game. ‪#‎Wildcard

‪For the second year in a row, the #‎Pirates‬ are out in post-season. But Pittsburgh is well on their way to becoming official MLB team of college basketball.  ‪#‎oneanddone‬

A new study found that Donald Trump supporters have the worst grammar on Facebook. And angry Trump fans are saying “Not true, my grammar is/was a great person, so is my grampa.”

Colin Kaepernick – “I don’t play for job security.” Good thing, as the 49ers QB isn’t playing like he’s going to have any.

A rainy June in Illinois wiped out a lot of this year’s U.S. pumpkin crop which may mean a canned pumpkin shortage by Thanksgiving. Stand by for Starbucks’ new “Zucchini Spice Latte.”

Sepp Blatter will reportedly be suspended for 90 days by FIFA’s ethics committee. Shocking. FIFA HAS an ethics committee?

The NFL is talking about playing some future games in Mexico. Talk about a way to undercut Trump’s allegations that criminals only come north across the border.

ESPN is reporting that NY Knicks coach Derek Fisher and Grizzlies forward Matt Barnes “were involved in an physical altercation” last weekend at the home of Barnes’ ex-wife. Who says the Knicks won’t make headlines this year?

The mother of the Oregon shooter is now saying when she was pregnant that she read “Trump’s Art of The Deal” to him as an unborn baby. Talk about a way to have a child start out thinking the world is an awful place.

Chuck E Cheese is going to expand their alcohol selection in order to appeal more to parents. Wonder how many drinks it will take before their food actually tastes like pizza?

Kevin McCarthy, backtracking on his comments implying that the Benghazi investigations in the House were a political weapon against Hillary Clinton: “I could have been more clear in my description of what was going forward.”
Uh, Rep. McCarthy. I think the problem was that you WERE crystal clear, and honest.

GOP House members today created a special committee on Wednesday to investigate Planned Parenthood. Could someone please ask Kevin McCarthy what the goals of the committee are?

Rupert Murdoch tweeted today in support of Ben Carson. “What about a real black President who can properly address the racial divide? And much else.” Assume Murdoch also considers Clarence Thomas a “real black” Supreme Court judge

-.

Ben Carson doubling down on his Oregon shooting comments: “I was chuckling at the silly reporters, at not being able to understand such a simple concept. If you know someone is going to kill you, and they’re going to systematically kill you one by one, why would you sit there and wait for them to do it?”
Can’t wait to hear someone ask him a question about rape.

Finally,  if you are reading this, guess the Rapture hasn’t happened yet. ‪#‎Doomsday‬

No means no taunts?

January 3, 2015

Oregon football players will be “disciplined internally” for their “No means no” chant after the Ducks’ Rose Bowl win. Well, good to see football is sending a strong message to its stars. We’ll cut you some slack on alleged sexual assaults. But don’t even think about taunting alleged rapists.

After the big New Year’s Day bowls including playoffs,  Friday’s games were the Armed Forces, Taxslayer, Alamo and Cactus Bowls. About as attractive to most fans as following the Super Bowl with the Pro Bowl.

.

Speaking of attractive, reports from North Korea that a Workers’ Party official has married Kim Jong-un’s little sister. And you think it kills you to be around YOUR in-laws?

A Georgia woman remains in critical condition, after her police chief husband called 911 on New Year’s Day to say he’d “accidentally'” shot her twice. , But he had actually only shot her once. So the other time he “accidentally” missed?

Going to be below freezing for two nights in a row in Northern California. Makes sense, a number of conservative Southerners thought it would be a cold day in hell when neither an SEC or ACC team was in the college football national championship.

Under the old BCS system, FSU and Alabama would have almost certainly played for the National championship, while OSU and Oregon would have played for a #3 ranking in the Rose Bowl. So how long will it take the SEC to call for a “return to tradition.”?

 

 

UCLA against #11 Kansas State, continued a ‪#‎Pac12‬ trend of showing the Eastern Sports Programming Network ‪#‎ESPN‬ what they’ve been missing all year.

 

Washington looked so bad in ‪#‎CactusBowl‬ against Oklahoma State the Huskies have just been named honorary member of SEC West.

Bummer, Donna Douglas, who played Elly May on the “Beverly Hillbillies” has died. Stewed squirrel on the menu in Heaven tonight!

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Harry Reid, 75, was exercising when an elastic band on a piece of equipment broke. The senator then fell and broke “a number of ribs and bones in his face.” And millions of Americans are now tearing up their New Year’s resolutions because they’re WAY too dangerous.

 

-A man and woman were trapped in a closet for two days until police rescued them. And then they found out the closet wasn’t actually locked. You guessed it, Florida (If only they had been armed.)

 

Apparently Carmelo Anthony, struggling with a knee injury, might shut it down for the remainder of the season. Only about 30 games later than the rest of the Knicks.

 

As we approach Wild Card Weekend…. Bill Littlejohn, on Ndamakong Suh winning his suspension appeal by saying that his feet were numb and that he didn’t know that he was stepping on Aaron Rodgers.So I guess we call the incident ‘Numb and Numb-er’

God bless America. A U.S. District Judge ruled that Florida must start issuing same-sex marriage licenses next week. And clerks in at least five counties say they’ll end courthouse weddings for EVERYONE to avoid the order. Since it’s Florida, wonder how much it would help if gay couples wanting to marry showed up with guns?

 

 

And while the internet is back up (just, which is how this was posted),  Who’d a thunk I’d ever write this in 2015? Comcast has been down for over nine hours in Palo Alto. Fortunately I’m not cut off because I have a Blackberry. ‪#‎happydinosaur‬

Closing doors?

October 2, 2014

Not surprisingly Secret Service director Julia Pierson has resigned. What is surprising, based on her performance in front of Congress, is how Pierson ever got the job in the first place.

The Washington Post is deriding Julia Pierson for allegedly saying last summer that the Secret Service needs “to be more like Disney World.” Except that no one could actually sneak in without a ticket at Disney World.

Jets owner Woody Johnson said he still thinks that Geno Smith “can be a franchise quarterback, I really do.” Of course, the franchise Johnson is talking about might be in the Canadian or Arena Football Leagues.

 

Ben Affleck was willing to do a nude scene for “Gone Girl” but said he told the director “But I will not wear a Yankees hat. I just can’t…” The man has his priorities straight.

A’s GM Billy Beane said that “if we don’t have Jon Lester, I don’t think we make the playoffs.” Well, sort of. If Oakland still had Cespedes they might not have needed to PLAY the one-game playoff.

Weird playoff trivia. Before the 2nd Wild Card was added in 2012, only four teams in each league made the postseason. If two teams tied for the best runner-up record, they would play a single play-in game. Had that system been in effect this year, the two tied NL teams would have been – the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ and ‪#‎Pirates‬.

 

JPMorgan Chase said hackers broke into their system and got information from over 80 million customers – names, addresses, phone numbers and email addresses, as well as “internal information relating to such users.” But the bank claims birthdates, account numbers and Social Security numbers were not compromised. And why should we doubt them? ‪#‎sarcasm‬

Crooks are stupid, British award winner for the week:   In Manchester, a man was caught breaking into a car in front of people training to become bouncers. Despite signs advertising the security classes. (Seven of the trainees caught and handcuffed him.)

Supposedly in the interests of safety, an Arkansas woman has declared the gun range she owns a “Muslim Free Zone.” Let’s see, the number of people who have been killed at gun ranges by Muslims this year is one less than the number killed by little girls.

 

In Louisiana, two high school English teachers were arrested after a student bragged about having a threesome with them. Parents were appalled, some fathers mostly appalled that there weren’t teachers like that in THEIR high school.

 

Texas congressman Louie Gohmert has been complaining that the 3,000 troops President Obama is sending to West Africa to fight Ebola will return infected and spread the disease at home. So presume Gohmert will now be one of the first to call for a quarantine of Texas.

Still a longshot. But if both ‪#‎Dodgers‬ and ‪#‎SFGiants‬ advance expect to see the ‪#‎MadBum‬ ‪#‎Puig‬ confrontation on TV ads a few hundred times.

 

Finally, all this frenzy over a possible epidemic in the U.S. And yes, there IS a contagious disease that will kill thousands of people this year including children. It’s called influenza. Forget Ebola for a while. Get your flu shot.

It’s not over….

October 1, 2014

At least three more games for the SF Giants in 2014. And this picture from 1992. When we thought the SF Giants might start the 1993 season in Tampa.

 

The little boy, for the uninitiated, is Brandon Crawford.

 

brandon

 

Brandon Crawford’s sister is actually dating another MLB player.  A member of the Pittsburgh Pirates. #Thanksgiving  #awkward

 

Liked baseball as a left-handed little kid, fell in love with baseball in the 1968 World Series. Mickey Lolich, 3 complete games. Tonight Madison Bumgarner channeled Lolich. But skinnier. And a better hitter.. ‪#‎leftiesrule‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬

ESPN reported that Brandon Crawford’s grand slam was the first ever by a shortstop in the postseason. And speaking of shortstops, will this be the cue for another Derek Jeter retrospective?

Donald Trump is on another Ebola rampage with the first case in the U.S., tweeting “how dumb was our President to send thousands of poorly trained and ill-equipped soldiers over to West Africa to fight Ebola. Stop all flights.”And saying we must “immediately institute strong travel restrictions or Ebola will be all over the United States-a plague like no other.”

 

Alas, Ebola is far less dangerous for Americans than Donald Trump.

Have to wonder, how many Americans who are freaking out over ‪#‎Ebola‬ are also anti-vaccine.

So the man infected with Ebola told an emergency room nurse days before he became REALLY sick, that he’d been in Liberia. And it didn’t set off any alarms. Once again, proving all the precautions in the world ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬.

 

So if we really want to contain ‪#‎Ebola‬ can we just quarantine the state of ‪#‎Texas‬? ‪#‎twobirdsonestone‬

In the Arizona Fall League. baseball will test eliminating actual pitches during intentional walks, with the idea of maybe trying it in the majors. And the ‪#‎SFGIants‬ Pablo Sandoval is thinking, hey, those are hittable pitches.

Michael Phelps was clocked at 85 MPH when he was arrested. Here’s one way to fix some of these driving issues for athletes: Make the only car they are allowed to drive be a Prius. Those things can’t get up to 85 MPH.

Tom Brady just said of his team “We don’t have the kind of offense that’s going to perform at a high level.” And Patriots fans are thinking “What was your first clue?”

Wow. A jury found Michael Dunn guilty of first-degree murder today for the “loud music” 2012 shooting death of 17-year-old Jordan Davis. Not often I type these words, but “Nicely done, Florida.”

From T.C. “North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has been hospitalized with two broken ankles, apparently from wearing heels and being overweight. When his ankle extension surgery is completed, he will be the same height as his buddy Dennis Rodman.”

Midnight baseball

September 30, 2014

Most sleepless night for baseball players not with the Oakland A’s tonight? Angels catchers Chris Iannetta & Hank Conger having nightmares about trying to throw out Royals baserunners….

 

Kansas City Police (@kcpolice) for the winning tweet of the night   “We really need everyone to not commit crimes and drive safely right now. We’d like to hear the @Royals clinch this.”

 

#‎As‬ and ‪#‎Royals‬ were so unhappy about a single wild-card game they decided to play two. ‪#‎ALWildcard‬

 

(Personally I think a single game playoff is wrong, but if MLB is going to have one, maybe they should at least let teams keep their 40 man September rosters…  Though it might have been fun watching infielders pitch in the 16th or 17th inning…)

Wonder how many folks went to bed on the East Coast or turned off the TV in the 7th inning of the #ALWildcard and are waking up this am  “WTF?”

In Las Vegas, the Philadelphia 76ers are projected to win 15.5 games this season. That many?

 

So parents of young children were supposed to get all upset because ‪#‎HunterPence‬ dropped some F bombs on television but the AL Wild Card can feature a Viagra commercial with a sultry blonde woman saying “Plenty of guys have this issue — not just getting an erection, but keeping it.”

Some cynics are claiming that Chelsea Clinton’s baby was perfectly timed for media impact. Ridiculous. As if anyone looking for maximum publicity would ever time an event to coincide with George Clooney’s wedding.

Theo Epstein said the Cubs’ “goal is the NL Central title next year.” And millions of women are thinking “Yeah, our goal was to marry George Clooney too.”

Michael Phelps was arrested last night for his 2nd DUI. Clearly this man would be better off sticking to pot.

Biggest disappointment of MNF – Nobody found Gisele Bündchen to ask what she thought of her husband’s Patriots teammates afterwards.

New Lakers coach Bryon Scott says he loves that “pretty much everyone has written us off. That’s obviously fuel to the fire.” Alas the fire that is fueled might be longtime fans burning season tickets.

The NFL has quickly admitted they made a mistake penalizing Chiefs safety Husain Abdullah, who knelt in Muslim prayer last night after returning a interception for a touchdown. This would never have happened had Abdullah played for the Raiders, they don’t get any interceptions for touchdowns.

The Rocco Forte hotel chain is offering guests booked through certain travel agents free wi-fi for up to three devices in a room. And a lot of travelers are thinking “So how do we decide which three?”

#‎TonySparano‬ was named the ‪#‎Raiders‬ interim head coach. But really, aren’t all head coaches in Oakland “interim”?

The FCC today eliminated their local blackout rule for NFL games that are not sold out. although the league says they don’t expect to change policy, claiming in a statement “The NFL is the only sports league that televises every one of its games on free, over-the-air television.” And of course the statement was covered on NFL Network and ESPN.

Headline about the latest alleged Secret Service fail. “Obama Rode Elevator With Armed Ex-Convict.” Of course, these days an armed ex-con COULD be an elected official from an open carry state.

 

 

 

Down but not out.

September 28, 2011

The Wild Card races will come down to the wire Wednesday. The question of the day, can the Braves and Red Sox unwind the wire from around their own throats?

The SF Giants’ Conor Gillaspie’s first major league home run was an inside the park shot that included him falling down rounding third. Making it both an ESPN “Top 10” AND “Not Top 10” play.

This next may only make sense to frustrated SF Giants fans (which may be redundant in 2011):

Brandon Belt got his first “Splash Hit” (A home run that clears the fence straight into the water) for the Giants Tuesday night at A T & T Park.) Guess that means manager Bruce Bochy will bench him for Wednesday’s finale.

And as my friend Daniel Silveira added “Well, they would have sent him back to Fresno for one more stint at AAA, but the season is over. So, the human yo-yo gets a break.”

(For those who haven’t watched the Giants much this year, a disturbing pattern was to give veterans chance after chance, while rookies not only were on short leashes, they were often benched or sent down even after good games.)

An Emory University student from New York has been arrested and charged with taking the SAT exam for at least six students attending a top Long Island private high school. The student was alleged to have made between $1500-2000 per test. The most shocking part? No football or basketball players appear to be involved.

Michael Vick claims he won’t be complaining about not getting calls from referees anymore. Translation, Vick just figured he might like to get a call go his way sometime in 2011.

The Braves lost again Tuesday night to the Phillies. With the Cardinals win this now meansa a tie for the NL Wild Card. How bad has it been? This Braves team in late September has become the most unwatchable thing for Atlanta fans since Ted Turner used to make out with Jane Fonda in the owner’s box.

The Dow roller coaster continues, with the market up over 300 points at one point on Tuesday. Meanwhile, the top headline story on Cnn.com all day? The opening arguments in the manslaughter trial of Michael Jackson’s doctor.

Baylor QB Robert Giffin III now has has passed for more touchdowns (13) than incompletions (12.) Well, at least Peyton Manning in 2011 may also end up with no more incompletions than touchdowns.

Lebron James is headlining a charity basketball game in Miami next month. And who knows better about charity than Lebron? In fact he’s going to play the whole game like it’s the fourth quarter.

Southwest booted actress Leisha Hailey off a plane for kissing her girlfriend. Meanwhile, millions of men tried to figure out how to book themselves on the couple’s next flight.

Andy Rooney, 92, said he will deliver his 1097th and final essay for “60 Minutes” this Sunday. Responded many Americans – “Andy Rooney’s still on ’60 Minutes?'” Responded Americans under 30 – “Who’s Andy Rooney?”

College Republicans at Berkeley had an affirmative action bake sale where women and minorities paid a lower price than white men. So when is the follow up bake sale? Where minorites and women pay more, because parents and rich mens alumni groups subsidize prices for the white male students?

This passes for a short quote from Joe Biden. Heck anything under a novella is a short quote from Joe Biden but I like it:

When asked on “the View” about the gay soldier being booed. “I did have a visceral response to it,” I’m not sure if it’s because my son spent a year in Iraq. And I know my sons and all the kids with them — kids, they’re grown men — I don’t think they give a damn whether the guy firing a rifle to protect them is gay or straight. I don’t think they care about that. Look this kid risked his life. This kid is there for them. And I, quite frankly, I thought it was reprehensible.”

D-Red-ful Sox?

September 27, 2011

First announced promotions of 2012 for MLB. The Boston Red Sox and Atlanta Braves plan to offer their fans free lessons in the Heimlich maneuver.

Another possible giveaway deal next year at Fenway Park. Free Red Sox neckties to the first 20,000 adults. Pre-shrunk.

How bad is the Red Sox collapse looking? Even Babe Ruth is watching from somewhere thinking “Dudes, don’t put this mess on me.”


And for all those people thinking that extra wild cards would make the game more interesting, think about this. If MLB had two wild cards in each league, the Red Sox and Braves could have it on cruise control. (Of course, they have have done that regardless.)

Rex Grossman’s fumble with 28 seconds left sealed the Redskins loss 18-16 Monday night against the Cowboys. On the other hand, for the first time in months, he did give Washingtonians a serious bipartisan target.

My friend Lindol pointed out that the Winklevoss twins now have a gig as spokesmen for pistachios. Is this really wise? Does the pistachio industry really want to reinforce their image as expensive and overvalued nuts?

Ozzie Guillen announced that tonight was his last game managing the White Sox. Not sure how the team took it, but Chicago beat writers who are always in search of good quotes are said to be inconsolable.

Marlins manager Jack McKeon, 80, says he will retire again after the end of the season. He did say that maybe he will come back in a few years, to go after Connie Mack’s record of managing at the age of 87. McKeon especially hopes he has another chance to manage that “nice young man, Jamie Moyer.”

Meanwhile, the Marlins are finally playing their last games in Sun Life stadium. Wednesday will be Fan Appreciation day.And the team will apparently have nice prizes for both of them.

Sesame Street is planning to include science lessons in their upcoming season. Or as Rick Perry would call that “more liberal theories.”

Tea Party Nation founder Judson Phillips has endorsed Newt Gingrich for President. Guess he figures who better to defend marriage than someone who’s had three of them.


The power of incumbency. No one knows for sure if President Obama will be re-elected. But stranger things have happened. Today SF Giants manager Bruce Bochy announced the team planned to re-sign their hitting coach.

Magazine subscription offer from Vanity Fair (no joke) $12 for 12 issues. Plus $3 shipping. Really.

Uh, isn’t the point of a subcription getting magazines mailed to you? Wonder what would happen if you offered to come pick each issue up?

C.C. Sabathia is 19-8, with an ERA of 3.00. The SF Giants have three starters with lower ERA’s, and none with more than 13 wins. Lincecum, 2.74, 13-14, Vogelsong, 2.81, 13-7, and Cain, 2.88, and 12-11.

So yes, good pitching may beat good hitting. But good pitching is wasted with zero hitting.

The Senate just reached a bipartisan agreement to end a dispute over disaster relief spending. Translation, sounds like they figured out that despite the best efforts of some to interpret God’s will, natural disasters this year have happened in both red and blue states.