Posted tagged ‘Minnesota jokes’

A little knowledge

January 10, 2016

Amazing. The same people who suddenly become experts on “triple axels” after watching two days of figure skating in the Olympics now are experts on where the laces should be on a field goal kick.


Donald Trump’s latest: NFL referees throw flags to impress their wives watching at home. ‘It (football) has become soft, and our country has become soft.'”
Remember those Furbys – were electronic pets that came up with all kinds of randomly correlated nonsense? Beginning to seem like one of them is running for President.

After this weekend, four NFL teams likely never to watch “Wizard of Oz” again – “There’s no place like home, my ass.” ‪#‎WildCardWeekend‬

The temperature was well below zero for Sunday’s  ‪#‎SEAvsMIN‬ game. Might have been almost as cold as White House family dinners after Hillary found out Monica was telling the truth.

So who will be the first ‪#‎GOP‬ candidate to blame today’s Washington game on Obama? ‪#‎GBvsWAS‬

The 49ers reportedly may hire Bengals offensive coordinator Hue Jackson as their new coach. Well, after yesterday’s Cincinnati meltdown, SF probably looks like less of a train wreck by comparison.

Watching the political craziness now thinking that had only the Stanford band decided to mock the Iowa caucuses instead of farmers, they’d be getting near universal applause.

Carly Fiorina missed yesterday’s GOP forum supposedly due to “travel issues.” Hmm. Maybe Carly missed a flight while trying hard to figure out which Wild Card NFL team came from the state with the earliest primary, so she could say even though she lives in California she was rooting for them?


Awful miss for Blair Walsh on what would have been his fourth field goal of the night, which would have probably won the game for the Vikings. But okay, four field goal attempts?! If Minnesota’s offense gets the ball into the end zone ONCE that kick is unnecessary. ‪#‎plentyofblametogoaround‬

Donald Trump today said he takes being compared to P.T.Barnum as a compliment. And indeed, the Donald isn’t aiming to “fool all of the people all of the time”, just over 50% or a plurality in the election.

Donald Trump is ramping up his birther attacks now on Ted Cruz. Once again, the Donald should be careful, seems pretty unlikely that furry thing that lives on his head was born in the U.S.


The President of Volkswagen said “We are not a criminal brand.” A criminal brand, no, a band of criminals, maybe.

Bus to hell time.   So a personal foul made the difference in setting up the Steelers’ game winning field goal.  Any other women find it ironic that alleged rapist wins a playoff game because another man was penalized for a stupid brutal act? ‪#‎PITvsCIN‬


A cold day…

January 7, 2016


The Minnesota Vikings are warning their fans that temperatures are expected to hit a high of 1 degree on Sunday. And Green Bay fans are thinking “1 degree? We could wear shorts.”

Lots of expert predictions on this weekend’s NFL playoff games. And we should listen to all those experts because they all predicted the hosts for these games would be Houston, Cincinnati, Minnesota and Washington?!

So now Johnny Manziel has been cited for driving with expired license plates. Even JaMarcus Russelll is saying “Dude, get it together.”.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers fired Lovie Smith, who was their third coach in five years. Somewhere even George Steinbrenner is thinking, “Jeez, show a little patience.”

Missed the ‪#‎Powerball‬ numbers last night by six. And I didn’t even play.

The next Powerball lottery jackpot will approach $700 million, resulting in turn millions of new players.  Because $400 million just doesn’t buy what it used to?

House Speaker Paul Ryan on what the GOP needs to do to win: “We have to show people what our principles are and how we apply those principles to the problems of the day to offer people real solutions”
And most of the Presidential candidates are going “Principles?”

One big problem faced by the the ‪#‎SF49ers‬ in their coaching search – any coach who is smart enough for the job, is probably also smart enough not to take it. ‪#‎trainwreck‬

Since their spring semester has started, Clemson asked for and got an NCAA waiver from a rule today which prevents “in-session” schools from practicing or holding team meetings for more than four hours per day or 20 hours per week. The school said players will miss class “only with professor approval.” And of course if any professor denies approval it would only be a coincidence if that professor is denied tenure.

A man handed a Bradenton hospital employee a wrapped burrito he said was for a patient. The employee checked and found that inside the burrito was a syringe of heroin. Back on your game, Florida. ‪#‎andyouthoughtguacamolewasaddicting‬?

A man handed a Bradenton hospital employee a wrapped burrito he said was for a patient. The employee checked and found that inside the burrito was a syringe of heroin. Back on your game, Florida. ‪#‎andyouthoughtguacamolewasaddicting‬

House Speaker Paul Ryan said that Obama’s executive actions on guns were “a distraction” and that the President should be focused on fighting terrorism. But hey now, that 62nd repeal attempt for Obamacare, THAT was important.

Interesting that ‪#‎JohnMcCain‬ stated strongly that ‪#‎BarackObama‬ was an American but he’s not so sure about ‪#‎TedCruz‬


Hillary Clinton, asked this week about extra-terrestrials, said “I think we may have been visited already” by aliens. “We don’t know for sure.” Heck, for all we know, one or two of them may be running for President.

From my funny friend Jerry Perisho “Ken Griffey, Jr. was voted into the Baseball Hall of Fame. On his way to the podium, he pulled a hamstring and was placed on the disabled list.”


You think you had a bad Monday?

September 1, 2009

It could be worse in Minnesota.

How’d you like to be the guy at the Timberwolves who made the decision to choose Ricky Rubio with the number five pick in the NBA draft?

Or maybe the guy at the Vikings who decided to spend $25 million on Brett Favre now that he may have broken a few ribs.

Bad news for the Vikings if after spending $25 million on Favre he turns out to have been injured. Good news, the bills should be covered by Medicare.

Many people disdain politics because they say campaigning is all feel-good promises and meaningless performances that end up having little to do with reality. So how come so many of those same folks are so excited about pre-season football??

So the University of Michigan is being investigated for allegations that players spent more than 20 hours a week on football during the season. I think the question on those charges is not so much, “is Michigan guilty? as “is there a top Division 1 football program that is innocent?”

In Michigan’s defense to the NCAA, they are saying “Come on, if we really spent that much time at practice, do you think we would have ended up with a 3-9 season?”

A new TSA program will require passengers to give their full legal name AND date of birth when booking airline tickets. You know what that means? – A whole lot more Hollywood actresses on Amtrak.

The SF Giants are hoping the old axiom is true. See a Penny, pick it up, all year long you’ll have good luck.

Personally, what I would really like if the Giants are going to pick up an aging former star, is that they hire Rickey Henderson for a coaching session on how to actually work a count.

For any Canadian readers…

Well, it’s that time of year in some cities, like Washington DC and Pittsburgh, where frustrated baseball fans are relieved to turn to football. Then there’s Toronto. Well there’s always hockey. Hmm, how about those winter Olympics?

(a short note of explanation, the Toronto Argonauts are currently in last place in the Canadian Football League. As to the Leafs, think Cubs. With skates.)