Posted tagged ‘Michigan jokes’

M going to be Blue

October 17, 2015

For as rough as that game ending was in Ann Arbor,  a game-winning touchdown after a blocked punt with 10 seconds to go, Jim Harbaugh still has to be waking up tomorrow thinking “At least I’m not still coaching the 49ers.”

Jim Harbaugh probably got a sympathy tweet from Nick Saban ‪#‎MSUvsMICH‬ ‪#‎AuburnvsAlabama‬

 And here Harbaugh thought his kicking nightmares were over when he left Stanford and Jordan Williamson.

San Francisco rents are so high that one female software engineer has written about the fact that she now lives in a VW Bus. What will be even scarier is when she decides to rent half the bus out on AirBNB.

So some KC Royals fans are starting a petition to have Joe Buck removed from the ALCS because they say he is biased against their team. SF Giants fans are laughing. They know Buck is biased against any team that isn’t the Cardinals.

While the ALCS is moving to Toronto for game three, there won’t be a game on Sunday. So we won’t have the dilemma – would MLB still insist on “God Bless America?”

Jeb Bush and Donald Trump called each other “pathetic” yesterday. It was a rare time they were both right.

The Oklahoma Sooners flight to Manhattan, KS for their football game against KSU today was delayed over 8 hours. Now I know travel agents have a different perspective, but really? The DRIVE is only about 4 1/2 hours

As expected, Zack Greinke has opted out of his contract with the Dodgers.(he ONLY has 3 years and $71 million left, and wants a longer deal.)
Not sure about 5 years to any 32 year old pitcher. But SF has a record as a good home for head cases.

Mike, a combat dog that became a service animal for an Army veteran was shot and killed by a bicyclist in Wyoming who said the dog threatened him. Waiting for the NRA to say “If only the dog had been armed.”

Memphis defeated Ole Miss today to move to 6-0. Wow. Memphis has a college football team?

USC played Notre Dame‬ Saturday .    Bringing up the age-old question for many American football fans – “Can both teams lose?”

Lindsay Lohan is now saying in “In #2020 I may run for president.” And somewhere Jon Stewart is thinking “The universe REALLY doesn’t want me to retire.”

US Airways flight 1939 took off Friday night from San Francisco to Philadelphia, the last US Airways flight ever before their merger with American Airlines. Poignant night for many fliers – one less airline to blame.

TBS host Casey Stern was caught dropping an f-bomb on air after the Mets’ game 1 NLCS win over the Cubs today. Can only imagine what some of the Michigan broadcasters said away from the microphone after the end of the MSU game.

Apparently Rand Paul, Mike Huckabee, Bobby Jindal, George Pataki, Lindsey Graham and Rick Santorum are all spending more money than they are getting in donations so could end up dropping out of the 2016 Presidential race soon.
With the possible exception of Paul, and maybe Huckabee, who’s donating to ANY of them?

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Candlestick Park South?

December 31, 2014

 

For the opening kickoff of the first Foster Farms Bowl, the wind blew the football off the tee repeatedly so Maryland had to use a holder.   They can take the 49ers out of Candlestick, but they can’t take the Candlestick out of their field.

 

fosterfarms

 

 

Game time temperature at Levi’s Stadium 45 degrees with wind gusts up to 40mph. Maybe it wasn’t a great idea to have a bowl sponsor with a major product of frozen food. ‪#‎FosterFarmsBowl

 

 

VTA Light Rail announcement tonight at each stop on the way to Levi’s stadium. “Look both ways before crossing tracks.”. Might be more effective to say “Trains use both tracks. Please have your organ donor card available”.

The Lion’s Ndamukong Suh won his appeal and will play Sunday after his one-game suspension was changed to a $70,000 fine. Bonus time for the NFL, as they get the money from his fine plus higher rates as people tune in to see which Cowboy Suh is planning to stomp now.

Nick Saban said today he’s “not really interested in any situation in the NFL.” Makes sense, the Alabama coach is making plenty of money, and he already gets to deal with professional players, who will be gone after a maximum of four years.

 

Maryland beat Michigan in football this year 23 to 16. Stanford probably calling Harbaugh tonight to see if Jim wants to schedule a game.

Texas A&M fired student assistant coach Michael Richardson after he hit two West Virginia players during the Liberty Bowl. Richardson may, however, be offered a tryout with the Oakland Raiders defense.

At a Idaho Wal-Mart, a 2-year-old boy shot and killed his mother when he reached into her purse where she was carrying a concealed gun and the weapon fired. If only the woman had been armed. Oops, wait, never mind.

A thought about this toddler who shot and killed his mom with her own gun at Walmart. That woman wouldn’t have been allowed to drive the kid to the store without a carseat. But a loaded gun with the safety off, no problem. ‪#‎noanticarsafetylobby‬ ‪#‎priorities‬

Jim Harbaugh has a seven year contract at Michigan. Seven years?! And they said it with a straight face.

Groupon is selling a “49ers field experience” where during the first five weeks of 2015, you’ll be able to enter Levi’s Stadium and run around on the field and play with a football. And if you can get along with Jed York, maybe the team will offer you a coaching position.

How social media can make you feel really out of touch. The #1 trending story on FB this morning is “Giada De Laurentiis announces divorce.” And my #1 reaction was “Who?”

Kim Kardashian claims she doesn’t smile often because it causes wrinkles. Got news for Kim, people aren’t looking at her face

Mistakes were made.

December 30, 2014

Oops, the Detroit Free Press printed a Jim Harbaugh to UM story on their cover. Except they used a picture of JOHN Harbaugh. Well, okay, they used a photo of the wrong brother. Many Americans think in 2000 we elected the wrong brother as our President.

 

Two men were arrested today after a nearly 3 hour police chase that started when they stole San Francisco Chronicle newspaper delivery truck. Many are wondering, “What’s the value of stealing a newspaper delivery truck?” Still more are wondering “Who knew they still delivered newspapers?

The NY Jets fired coach Rex Ryan and GM John Idzik. Owner Woody Johnson said he has already reached out to potential candidates. Wonder if he called the NTSB (National Transportation Safety Board). They have experience dealing with train wrecks.

Ndamukong Suh was suspended for the Lions’ playoff game for stepping on Aaron Rodgers’ leg. Suh is appealing, saying it was unintentional, and besides he knows millions of Americans were hoping he would step on Tony Romo.

Lane Kiffin, now offensive coordinator at Alabama, said he “definitely” plans on returning to the Crimson Tide for a second season. Translation, “unless I get a better offer.”

Texas A&M played West Virginia, and Oklahoma played Clemson Monday. In two of the bigger “We-expected-a-much-better-season” bowls.

The 6-10 Atlanta Falcons fired coach Mike Smith. What? After the team came only one game from making the playoffs…..

Not saying that it wasn’t time for Jim Harbaugh to move on from SF. As three years seems to be about his shelf life. But can we name a top football coach who doesn’t have a least a somewhat arrogant and irritating personality? Or any former top coach for that matter?

Bus to hell time: Reports indicate that debris from “a red and white plane” which is likely the missing Air Asia jet has been spotted.  Sad news for families, and for CNN, as the network had been hoping the plane would be lost for at least a week.

Meanwhile, over at Fox News, co-host Anna Kooiman suggested that the metric system could be to blame at Air Asia. “Even when we think about temperature, it’s Fahrenheit or Celsius, it’s kilometers or miles. You know, everything about their training could be similar, but different.” And when an FAA expert a bigger difference was foreign pilots’ greater reliance on autopilot, she responded “It’s not just a difference in the way that we measure things? Is it not as safe in that part of the world?”

Spectacular. By suing a 22 year old kid with a website, Skiplagged.com, that probably wasn’t going anywhere, United and Orbitz have taken “hidden-city ticketing” from an odd and limited strategy that only some travel agents and frequent fliers knew about, to a trending item on social media.

(Basically the idea is simple. If a nonstop flight is expensive between two cities, book a connecting flight on to a cheaper city and then get off the plane. For example, SF to Houston is expensive, so book a ticket SF via Houston to Orlando. But you can’t check bags, and if you put in your mileage number they track the no-show so you can’t get miles, and it only works one-way at a time.  For starters. Still, thanks to the lawsuit and publicity, millions of people have now been turned onto the concept.

 

C.C. Sabathia apparently came unglued at Newark Airport this past weekend when he and 11 friends, all booked in first class, showed up 15 minutes before departure for a flight to Jamaica, and United told him he had no chance to make it through security in time. On brighter notes, no arrests were made, and a lot of people who thought they had had no chance for a upgrade suddenly got lucky.

Bowling along.

December 28, 2014

When it comes to sports, in many ways hate has it all over love. Because the teams you love can suck, but there’s still always plenty of opportunity to root against the teams you hate.  (especially during Bowl season.)

As of very late Saturday night on the West Coast,  an AirAsia jet is missing on its way from Surabaya, Indonesia to Singapore, and an Italian ferry with over 400 people on board is on fire in the Adriatic sea. Potential tragedies in both cases, but for CNN, this is hitting the daily double.

 

Michigan governor Rick Snyder has signed a “suspicion-based” drug testing bill for welfare recipients. Hmm, can we expand this to elected officials and candidates? Because some of them sure act like they’re on drugs.

Chicago’s Starlin Castro was questioned by Dominican Republic police in connection with a shooting at a nightclub this morning, after the Cubs shortstop was questioned earlier this month for ANOTHER nightclub shooting. Who does Castro think he is, an NFL player?

The NFL fined Marshawn Lynch $11,500 for an obscene gesture during last Sunday’s game. Wonder how much they’ll fine the ‪#‎NYJets‬ for their obscene performance all season?

Anyone but me thinking that ‪#‎Marchmadness‬ pools are going to be rather forgone conclusions this year? ‪#‎raceforsecond‬ ‪#‎Kentucky‬

Jim Harbaugh is expected to sign on as the coach at Michigan. So time to start two pools. 1. How long until the Wolverines win a Rose Bowl? 2. What percentage of Harbaugh’s contract will he last in Ann Arbor?

So now we are likely to have Jim Harbaugh at Michigan vs. Urban Meyer at OSU Stand by for ‪#‎Whatsyourdeal‬ – the sequel.

A new study found that marijuana use has increased in Colorado. Did the survey also find that water is wet?

According to ESPN Rex Ryan “expects to be” fired by the Jets. Shouldn’t the correct verb be “hopes to be?”

The Browns suspended WR Josh Gordon for Sunday’s season finale. Thereby increasing the odds that no one outside of Cleveland will be able to name a single active player on the team.

 

Johnny Manziel, who is on IR, had to either be present for the Browns’ workout Saturday or be getting treatment. But he was AWOL. And later in the day, Cleveland gave the QB his first fine. So congrats to all who had Dec 27 in the pool.

North Korea, angry over “The Interview,” now referred to President Obama. Is the country trying to curry favor with Fox News?

 

A sight to behold?

December 3, 2014

In England, George Clooney made an appearance on Downton Abbey for charity.

Women get it. To explain this concept to men, this is the equivalent of NFL football with naked cheerleaders.

 

Boston’s Mass General Hospital is treating a possible Ebola patient. But of course, this isn’t making major headlines – since the November election is over.

 

Go figure this targeted FB ad, from Walmart, suggesting that you “not miss a minute of the 49ers game” with Walmart grocery delivery. What do they target supposed Oakland fans with? “Come stand in line at our stores and you don’t have to watch the Raiders game.”?

#‎BlackFriday‬ sales were down, ‪#‎CyberMonday‬ sales weren’t up as much as expected. Uh, maybe because the ‪#‎smallbusinessSaturday‬ and ‪#‎GivingTuesday‬ and the extended everything sales have made Americans think they’d be idiots to buy early?

The NFL is not apologizing for the St. Louis Rams players who came out with their hands up before Sunday’s game. The league presumably is still deciding whether they need to apologize for the play of the Raiders.

The underachieving ‪#‎SF49ers‬ are playing the simply awful ‪#‎oaklandraiders‬ this Sunday. Can we dub this the Grumpy Bowl?

Michigan is apparently firing coach Brady Hoke after a 5-7 season. The Wolverines really now might be a particularly good fit for Jim Harbaugh. If the situation you’re coming into is bad enough, no one cares if you’re an a**hole.

After security lines at Chicago’s Midway Airport stretched over a mile Sunday morning, TSA now said they made a mistake. They opened checkpoints at 4:00am, but due to the holiday, ticket counters had opened at 3:30am. Sort of makes you feel real warm and fuzzy about their ability to catch bad guys.

Veteran MLB umpire Dale Scott just revealed that he is gay and married to his partner of 28 years. Who knew, an ump turns out to be braver than the players.

NY Jets WR Eric Decker’s wife Jessie says her husband has been “depressed about the team’s season. And season ticket holders are thinking “HE’S depressed? We’re the ones paying to watch this sh*t.”

Rain has hit the San Francisco Bay Area so hard and fast that most networks have barely had time to have their reporters covering the drought over to “Stormwatch.”

Senator Rob Portman said yesterday he will not run for President in 2016. And most Americans said “Who?”

Raining on a parade

November 1, 2014

Lots of happy ‪#‎SFGiants‬ fans were taking pictures in the rain at ‪#‎SFGiantsParade‬ Over-under on folks needing new cellphones today?

So many people think newspapers are irrelevant these days. But wonder how many are saving screen shots of the SF Giants World Series victory for their children and grandchildren.

SF mayor Ed Lee, speaking at a post-parade ceremony “Panda, you own the postseason.” And the SFGiants are thinking, “Great, you just maybe cost us another $10-20 million?”

Great post parade line from Buster Posey to ‪#‎HunterPence‬ “See those cameras back there? That means live TV.” ‪#‎SFGiants‬

The SF Giants used pictures from their last World Series Parade to advertise yesterday’s parade. If new manager Joe Maddon leads the Cubs to a title, they’ll need to find someone who’s an expert in reproducing cave paintings.

Today, November 1. is “Day of the Dead.” This is a holiday in Mexico. Not the Michigan football homecoming.

The Los Angeles Dodgers have 7 free agents. Hanley Ramirez,Chris Perez, Jamey Wright, Paul Maholm, Roberto Hernandez, Kevin Correia and Josh Beckett. “Gosh, I really really hope we can keep them” said no Dodgers fans

 

Pablo Sandoval says he wants to remain a Giant, though the Red Sox are interested. So what will it take? Maybe $100 million over 5 years. And a copy of Boston’s weather report. (Freezing temperatures this weekend.)

 

This would be funnier if it weren’t sad for the pilots. Still, euphemism of the year perhaps, Virgin Galactic’s SpaceShipTwo space tourism rocket crashing in Mojave desert. And Virgin Galactic reported it as an “in-flight anomaly.”

 

Former Florida congressman Trey Radel, who pleaded guilty to cocaine possession in 2013, has had his criminal record expunged after completing “all conditions of his probation.” Expunged. Does this make him an honorary football player?

If they gave away free candy at polling place would people make as much effort to vote as they do to trick or treat? ‪#‎Halloween‬ ‪#‎Electionday‬

 

How scary was this on Halloween? A senator spoke honestly in public: Mary Landrieu, asked why Obama has such low approval ratings in Louisiana. “I’ll be very, very honest with you. The South has not always been the friendliest place for African-Americans. It’s been a difficult time for the president to present himself in a very positive light as a leader.”

Time passages.

September 27, 2014

For anyone who has been, or still is, an ugly duckling. I give you this picture from Time Magazine;

george

 

(George Clooney)

 

Apparently Alex Rodriguez is getting in shape and preparing for his return to the Yankees after a year’s suspension. It’s enough to make you long for another Derek Jeter farewell retrospective.

 

Starbucks is apparently trying out a new latte that’s supposed to taste like Guinness. One word. “Why?”

MLB Executive V.P. Joe Torre changed a hit against  Felix Hernandez last Tuesday to an error, making four runs later in that inning unearned.  And dropping the Seattle ace pitcher’s ERA by .16.  Which gives him a chance ot win the ERA title.

Next up, MLB will try to figure out what they have to change to give the Yankees and Derek Jeter a spot in the playoffs.

#‎Stanford‬ managed to beat Washington today.  Despite proving again that they may be the best in college football with the ‪#‎redzone‬ “prevent offense.”

 

 

So Eric Bolling’s wife is apparently the reason the FOX News host apologized for his “boobs on the ground” joke about the female fighter pilot: Perhaps a bit of understatement: “I made a joke and when I got home, I got the look, and realized some people didn’t think it was funny at all,’

 

The Milwaukee Brewers are retiring #1 for Bud Selig. And across the rest of baseball, fans are joining in by holding up one finger.

From Dwight Perry: “Oakland Raiders are in London this weekend to play the Miami Dolphins. Don’t know how the football game will go, but the Black Hole is favored by 2½ over the soccer hooligans.”

The only good thing about Michigan’s season? Other FBS teams should be lining up to offer the Wolverines million dollar payouts to play them.

Yet more celebrity nude pictures have been hacked and posted online. Maybe it’s time to buy stock in Polaroid.

 

Florida State barely escaped with a win over North Carolina State. Maybe all those police interviews are tiring Jameis Winston out.