Posted tagged ‘JaMarcus Russell jokes’

Decisions, decisions…

July 7, 2010

Americans say they can’t get into soccer because it’s a ton of hype, but then a seemingly endless process, with nothing happening until the very end. In the meantime, we remain riveted to the LeBron James decision saga.

Lebron James apparently will announce his decision about next year in an ESPN one-hour special. Not to be outdone, Brett Favre says he will announce HIS decision about next year in an ESPN mini-series.

After being caught with codeine cough syrup, JaMarcus Russell was charged with possession of a controlled substance. This might be the first time the words “JaMarcus” and “controlled” have been used in the same sentence.

From Bill Littlejohn: “JaMarcus Russell has been arrested and charged with possession of codeine.He had been working on his tendency to cough up the football”

Three reasons Amare Stoudemire signed with the Knicks: 1. $100 million dollars. 2. The chance to live in New York. 3. None of that stressful playoff pressure.

A fan at Yankee Stadium was hit in the face by a ball while talking on his cellphone. “That’s really awful” said absolutely no one.

Actually, what do you call a baseball fan hit in the face during a game because he is talking on his cellphone? A good start.

Who says politicians never utter a true statement? This was Barbara Boxer today talking about Carly Fiorina’s comment about her hair – “You know, if everybody in this state male or female who’s ever had a bad hair day votes for me, I will win in a landslide.”

In San Francisco, a directive from Mayor Gavin Newsom means that you can’t buy sugary sodas or sports drinks from vending machines on city property. Only drinks like milk (regular and soy), unsweetened juices, water and a limited number of diet drinks are allowed.

I would say the city has become a “Nanny state,” but didn’t Mary Poppins suggest taking medicine with a “spoonful of sugar?”

Lindsay Lohan was quoted as saying before her court hearing for a parole violation that her lawyer “will just fix this like everything else.” She was sentenced to 90 days in jail. Sounds like Lindsay’s judgment about her lawyer is as good as her judgment about everything else.

Due to the economic situation, Walt Disney World is extending discounts on their travel packages. So this fall a vacation in the theme parks will likely only cost guest an arm but not a leg.


All-Stars and Falling Stars

July 6, 2010

Although many in baseball thought Vladimir Guerrero was done last year, he signed with the Texas Rangers and now leads the majors with 70 RBI. But we should have known he had some good years left – the San Francisco Giants didn’t offer him a contract.

The SF Giants have announced “Girl Scout” night at A T and T park July 15, with a necklace giveaway, and some donations from purchased tickets. After a brief pre-game ceremony, however, Girl Scouts will not be allowed on the field. Management is afraid they might beat the Giants.

Jamarcus Russell was arrested today on drug possession charges. Hard to believe the strong-armed quarterback was once thought of as potentially the next John Elway. Instead, he’s turned out to be the next Ryan Leaf.

Is this a sign? Codeine is legal without a prescription in Canada. The only question, is any CFL team desperate enough to take a chance on JaMarcus Russell?

Larry Ellison might buy the woeful Golden State Warriors. Which means he finally might have found a bigger waste of money than the America’s Cup.

The Queen of England was in Canada today and after touring the offices of “Research in Motion,” was given a free Blackberry. Apparently John McCain over the years has been offered some free blackberries, but he turned the offers down because he wasn’t sure they weren’t picked by illegal immigrants.

Thank you Bud Selig. The All-Star game now determines home field advantage in the World Series, and the fans have selected an NL starting catcher who is hitting .229. (Yadier Molina.) Makes sense to me.

Now that the U.S. has zero chance of winning the World Cup, American sports fans are using that as an excuse for not being interested in the last stages of the competiton. Big deal, Canadian sports fan respond, we still watch the finals of the Stanley Cup. (Note to non-hockey fans, a Canadian team hasn’t won the NHL championship since 1993)

Men might want to stop reading now…

On the Bachelorette Monday night, former Bachelor (and Dancing with the Stars contestant) Jake and his ex-fiance Vienna, returned. It was a special interview segment to discuss their break-up after competing tabloid stories.

Personally, the more I watch these two together the more I think they absolutely deserve each other. But at least they didn’t breed.

And the latest vampire movie, Eclipse, will apparently gross almost $200 million in its first week. Which could be great for the movie industry, less great for retail. Because it means there were no teenage girls left with free time to shop in the malls.

Embarrassment of riches.

May 26, 2010

Dwayne Bowe, former first round draft pick, told ESPN the magazine that his rookie year the team “imported” a number of women they had met on social networking sites to stay at a San Diego hotel during a road trip. Well, it’s hard to believe it’s possible, but yes, he might end up a more embarassing first-round pick than JaMarcus Russell.

The University of Michigan decided to sanction itself in hopes of avoiding major NCAA penalties for its football problem. The sanctions include two years probation from bowl games. Well, considering that the Wolverines are 8-16 in two years under Rich Rodriguez… will anyone notice?

Michigan is afraid that the NCAA might impose even tougher sanctions – like requiring them to continue employing and paying Coach Rodriguez.

Phoenix tied up their NBA playoff series with the Lakers in large part because of great performances from their bench. And Kobe Bryant said, “What’s a bench?”

Okay, for all you San Francisco Giants fans who were in the pool for which Giant would score the first run since last Friday – who had Todd Wellemeyer?

(translation on the above, Wellemeyer is the Giants fifth starting pitcher, a long time journeyman who has only a handle of career hits. But he got one tonight on an 0-2 pitch and did indeed score.)

Vaughn Ward, a GOP congressional candidate in Idaho, had already fired his campaign manager after it was found he “borrowed” language from other Republican politicians. Now he gave a speech that at times was word for word the same as President Obama’s 2004 Democratic Convention keynote speech.

Rumor has it Ward was thinking of copying from Sarah Palin too, but he accidentally washed his hands first.

But come on, a word for word “borrowing” of phrases from one of the most famous speeches made by a now sitting president? Joe Biden has got to be thinking “Dude, at least I plagarised a British politician most Americans had never heard of.” (Neil Kinnock.)

Congrats to New York City, for landing the 2014 Super Bowl. The biggest potential problem… serious cold weather for an outdoor game. “No problem, I’m used to cold weather,” stated Brett Favre.

Attendees at a real estate conference complained about Sarah Palin’s speech and some said they didn’t even think she knew what “carried interest” was. Palin replied that of course she did – all the designer purses she has carried lately attract serious interest.

Nikki Haley, the Republican front runner to replace Governor Mark Sanford in South Carolina, is facing allegations of her own. Namely from a conservative blogger who claims the two had an affair several years ago.

If these allegations are true for the married family values candidate, it could be one small misstep for a woman, one giant leap in hypocrisy for womankind.

Is the fog lifting…?

April 21, 2010

In the Sharks- Avalanche NHL playoff game tonight, Dan Boyle scored the first goal. Into the correct net. Wonder if he’s the first NHL player ever to score back-to-back playoff goals for two different teams?

Heard about the new Icelandic volcano cocktail? Just one and you may not be able to make it home.

(And as Alex Kaseberg adds – it will knock you on your ash.)

The San Francisco Giants lost a game Tuesday 1-0 when their starting pitcher Jonathan Sanchez threw a one-hitter. They have scored three runs in three games. This is the kind of performance that makes fans want to fire the hitting coach. Assuming the team HAS a hitting coach.

The Chicago Cubs have lost four in a row, and to the lowly Astros and Mets no less. Well, it’s only April, but looks like the team is already in mid-summer form.

Donovan McNabb is apparently urging his new team, the Washington Redskins, to sign his old teammate Terrell Owens. Looks like another chapter in the future book “Smart Quarterbacks, Foolish Choices.”

As part of a promotion for the Robogames, the San Francisco 49ers put their kicker, Joe Nedney, up against Ziggy the Robot in a kicking competition. Nedney won. Undaunted, Ziggy has asked for a throwing competition against JaMarcus Russell.

“420” has become a code word for marijuana consumption and as such has sparked pot smoking parties on April 20 across the country. Curiously enough, 420 is also the number of calories in two original Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

The Icelandic volcanic air chaos seems to be abating for now. But worries about future eruptions may have a long-term effect on government travel as the U.S doesn’t want high-level officials stranded. Hillary Clinton, for example, may be spending a lot more time at home. And Bill Clinton just asked that Iceland be added to the “axis of evil.”

Kate Gosselin was kicked off “Dancing with the Stars” tonight. Which means she will just have to go back home to her regular daily life of ignoring her children.

Quarterbacks, the Pro Bowl, and other jokes…

February 1, 2010

No matter what happens in the Super Bowl. on Feb 14, Drew Brees will be King for the New Orleans Mardi Gras Bacchus parade, which means he will stand on a float and toss beads, coins and mini footballs to parade goers. Other parade organizers thought of asking LSU grad JaMarcus Russell to do the same thing, but they didnt have enough liability insurance.

How bad a Senior Bowl week did Tim Tebow have? Rumor has it after the game he got a congratulatory phone call and expression of interest from Al Davis?

Tebow likes wearing bible verses in his eyeblack. It would be ironic if the most apt might end up being 1 Corinthians 13, the one that starts, “when I was a child” and ends “when I became a man I put away childish things.” (the childish thing being a football?)

Will Smith has confirmed that he is considering a future career in politics. Makes sense, with those two “Men in Black” movies he’s shown a real talent for dealing with aliens.

The Pro Bowl and Super Bowl are both played this in the newly named Sun Life Stadium in Miami. The financial services company was founded in Montreal in the 19th century and is now based in Toronto, Canada. Because nothing says “Sun” like… Toronto, Canada?

Sun Life Stadium was formerly named Land Shark Stadium, and is a dual purpose facility. Which might explain how it was chosen for the Pro Bowl. With the baseball Marlins as tenants it means locals are used to watching meaningless games.

The problem with the Pro Bowl is that players just don’t care that much and are often just going through the motions while trying to avoid injury. Which means for fans of many teams it’s just a repeat of week 17 of the regular season.

Matt Schaub was voted MVP of the Pro Bowl. Isn’t that like being voted the best show in NBC’s prime time lineup? Or the best men’s basketball team in the Pac 10?

What does this say about the Colts’ and Saints’ offenses (or maybe their defenses.). The over-under for the Super Bowl – 56 1/2, is basically the same as it was for the Pro Bowl – 57. And in the Pro Bowl they don’t even really hit and tackle. (Yes, I am aware some would say that especially about the Saints defense.)

And okay, you don’t even have to know anything about rugby to know how ugly this game was. Cal 99, Stanford 0. No, that is not a typo.