Posted tagged ‘baseball jokes’

And then there were 8.

October 13, 2017

Congrats to Syracuse and Cal. Would enjoy this more if it didn’t mean more likelihood of 2 SEC teams in the playoffs.

Now can someone beat #Alabama.

 

Two top 10 teams have lost before #CollegeGameDay even starts.

ESPN  called WSU vs Call  “College Football Primetime.” It’s 1:56a on the East Coast.   WTF?

Apparently never bet against Smokey Bears.#Calfootball #CaliforniaWildfires #bustohell

Reminder to all those who want to dump on Dusty Baker. He didn’t tell Jose Labaton to take a long lead off 1st base last night.

Not claiming as a woman sports fan that I know everything. And , maybe not even enough to competently discuss the physicality of routes with Cam Newton. But I sure as hell know that as the tailing runner in a late inning one-run elimination game at HOME you don’t even THINK about the kind of lead that might get you picked off first.

Thank you #Astros & #Yankees for at least temporarily playing something recognizable as good baseball. #ALDS

#ARod now says he used PEDs because he felt “responsibility” to bounce back from injuries since the Yankees had invested so much money in him.   Again, I think,  I like “pushed into a lifeboat”  better.

NFL not moving #Chargers #Raiders game. League feels air will not be that bad, & they don’t need Oakland fans in a couple years anyway.

Weinstein “We all make mistakes.” Uh, a mistake is a bad night, a bad choice, even maybe a bad relationship. Not a decades-long pattern.

Saying young healthy people don’t need good health insurance is like saying no one who hasn’t had an accident needs car insurance.

Trump says he met with “The President of the Virgin Islands.” Can’t wait until November when Donald travels to Hawaii

Trump also proclaimed week of Oct. 15-21 “National Character Counts Week.” In related news , the Pot has proclaimed Oct 15-21 “National Black Kettle Week.”

So if you’re looking on a map is Tanzaynia next to Nambia?

 

Seriously, if Weinstein is just one of many powerful men guilty of criminal behavior then why doesn’t some actress speak up RIGHT NOW if she’s been the victim of someone else? The climate will never be more supportive and maybe we can remove another predator, or two, from a position of power.

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No relief

October 7, 2017

SF Giants may have just lost the title of “Most Complete Bullpen Meltdown in Recent Playoff History.” #Yankees #ALDS

On the other hand, the Indians may never lose again.

Aroldis Chapman “liked” Instagram comment saying that Yankees mgr Joe Girardi was an”imbecile.” Ah for the good old days when players just whined off-the-record to reporters.

Right about now a whole lot of AL teams, including Red Sox would sign a petition to move the Houston Astros back to the NL #ALDS

NHL’s Jiri Hudler accused of trying to urinate on food cart, demanding cocaine on Delta flt. Who says hockey players aren’t real athletes?

Secret Service has paid over $137,000 just to rent golf carts at Bedminster & Mar-A-Lago. But Puerto Rico’s throwing our budget out of whack

Apparently Vegas killer tried buying legal tracer ammunition, which lights up when shot. Hunters really need more of advantage against deer?

Secret Service has paid over $137,000 just to rent golf carts at Bedminster & Mar-A-Lago. But Puerto Rico’s throwing our budget out of whack

This is Canadian Thanksgiving weekend. This year,  Canada is thankful they can mostly avoid President Trump.

So current GOP plan is to deny women birth control & then be out of office when unplanned babies grow up to vote Democratic?

If Harvey Weinstein was a Trump supporter all of his harassment would have been dismissed as “locker room banter.

I’m liberal & condemn Harvey Weinstein. Why can’t conservatives condemn pussy-grabber-in-chief?

When Trump said he was going to drain the swamp he didn’t tell us all the new alligators would be flying in on private planes.

As Trump gets rid of birth control mandate assume govt will still provide to staffers so Congress won’t have abortion issues w/ mistresses?

Can a woman-owned company pls file lawsuit saying they feel it’s morally wrong to cover Viagra prescriptions for unmarried men?

Does Trump know efforts to undo EVERY single Obama action will someday give another President Carte Blanche to undo all of his?

 

Open notes to @realDonaldTrump on NewOrleans. A) Mayor Landrieu is popular, B) some speak French or Creole but part of US, C)-not an island

Risky business.

September 20, 2017

After a child sitting five rows up was hit by a foul ball at Yankee Stadium, some are calling again for netting all the way to the foul line.
Now, no doubt it was traumatic for the kid, but over 100 years children have also dreamed of getting autographs and souvenir baseballs before and during games. Children can also be injured, for example, in cars driving to the game.

And 3-4 children a year die playing baseball, including Little League.    Should we outlaw that too?

 

Looking at various online sites, at this rate fans going to #Rams #49ers at Levis Stadium Thurs. will pay more for a beer & a hot dog than their tickets.

Since the SFGiants brought Ryan Vogelsong back to retire a Giant, they have actually looked like a pretty decent baseball team. Coincidence?

My friend Paul S. also points out, the mini-resurgence also coincides with when we heard about Sam Dyson’s cat, Snuckles. And when Dyson brought Snuckles on the field…. Hey, whatever works.

44 years ago tonight Billie Jean King defeated Bobby Riggs. What’s amazing now is at the time some people were shocked. #BattleoftheSexes

Great pictures of #JohnKelly during Trumps #UNGA speech. Normally when people look that disgusted in New York they’re watching the Jets.

 

Trump on Iran nuclear deal “I have decided.” And “I’ll let you know what the decision is.” When, after the break? #PresidentialApprentice

Seaside, CA, police chief Robert Jackson resigned after posting racist comments and conspiracy theories jokes & commentary on his FB page. Monterey County Weekly reported he didn’t understand the privacy settings: This is alarming to me. I didn’t realize it was that open to the public”
What’s more alarming, that Jackson is a racist, or that he’s stupid enough to post anything online without checking how it works?

Trump mispronounced African country “Namibia” as “Nambia.” But give him a break,  guessing  President just heard name for 1st time from advisor yesterday.

Trump tweet “Graham-Cassidy Bill is GREAT! Ends Ocare.”
Translation, ANYTHING is great if it ends something Obama did.

 

Sorry that #IvankaTrump had “some level of postpartum depression.” But compared with not being to afford insurance for babies w/ birth defects?

When asked about Shanah Tovah assume @realDonaldTrump responded whatever Shanah says, she’s lying, wouldn’t have been my first choice.

#MelaniaTrump gives a speech at UN talking about the golden rule. Donald just has his own version – whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Trump insists people under proposed  #GrahamCassidy  bill can get covered for pre-existing conditions.   Right, exactly,  like they can buy homes in Trump Tower, if they have enough money.

 

At this point have to assume anyone in Trump administration charged w/ “draining the swamp” would charter private plane to fly & view the swamp

Ouch

April 17, 2017

SF Giants AAA reliever Kyle Crick sustained a concussion in dugout when hit by a foul ball. Was he texting Jeremy Affeldt at the time?

Just guessing that there aren’t going to be that many game 7s in the first round of the NBA playoffs.

 

If anyone thinks Spurs are boring to watch, they don’t know basketball. And they certainly haven’t watched Kawhi Leonard

Rape allegations against former 49er Ray McDonald have been dropped after the alleged victim refused to testify. Well, no doubt she had her rea$on$.

Boeing announces layoffs of hundreds of engineers, after 1800+ “voluntary layoffs.” in March.   Missed Trump tweet taking credit. #Jobsjobsjobs!

Weeks after a bridge in Atlanta collapsed, another major highway is closed because an underground gas leak caused the fast lane to buckle. But hey, Georgia’s GOP-controlled legislature just passed an income tax cut. Who needs roads? #letthemtakeprivatesplanes

New Supreme Court Justice Gorsuch asked many questions during oral arguments today. Clarence Thomas – “you can do that?

Trump  when asked for his message today for North Korea. “They have to behave.” “Back at ya” said most of the world now to the US.

A Southwest Airlines pilot was arrested at Albany Airport for having a loaded gun in his carry-on at a TSA check point. I think I see a new United Airlines marketing campaign – “We might beat you up but we won’t shoot you.”

Trump tweeted recommendation today for book “Reasons to vote for Democrats.” The blank book is $9.95. is author giving him cut of profits?

Mike Pence “We’re going to abandon the failed policy of strategic patience” with North Korea. Anyone but me think “having avoided Nuclear war” is not necessarily a failed policy?

A dying Oregon man apparently passed away happy  after his ex-wife, who he was friendly enough with, told him Donald Trump had been impeached. #Thatswhatfriendsarefor

Trump robocall for the Georgia special election; “If you don’t vote tomorrow Ossoff will raise your taxes, destroy your healthcare and flood our country with illegal immigrants.”
Hmm, considering the GOP would still have a solid House majority Jon Ossoff must be a powerful man indeed.

Long time

March 23, 2017

San Antonio Spurs tonight paid tribute to WWII vet Richard Overton, who at 110 years old is the oldest living veteran. And one of the few men alive who remembers Tim Duncan’s rookie year.

A five minute plus instant replay stoppage w/ 1:59 left in #WestVirginia #Gonzaga game making fans long for crisp speed of MLB instant replay

The Oakland As are offering a free cap to any fan who trades in any SF Giants cap. Well, if someone wants a hat in better condition – .A’s caps ARE less likely to be worn out from being worn through the playoffs.

 

When you do not score in the last 2:52 of the 2nd half, it’s pretty hard to win a Sweet Sixteen game. #Arizona #Xavier #marchmadness

#ESPN allowing people who regret their #MarchMadness choices to do a “Second Chance Bracket.” Any way we can do that for the US election?

Matt Barnes, now with the Warriors about playing his former team the Sacramento Kings Friday. “I’m trying to kill them Plain and simple. Things didn’t go well there.”
Great statement from a player with an arrest history now facing a 2017 trial for domestic violence.

Patriots to visit White House on April 19. Wouldn’t it be simpler to invite Kraft, Brady & anyone else who wants to attend to Maralago?

Theresa May opens parliament as usual. #WeAreNotAfraid trending. Well played London, well played.

Fortune magazine names  Theo Epstein greatest leader in world. So is everyone connected with 3-time WS Champion @SFGiants chopped liver?

Trumpcare did not come to a vote today due to lack of GOP support. Can’t wait to see how they’re going to blame this on Obama.

New poll showed today only 17% of Americans support  Trumpcare. Wow. Didn’t know that many people worked for insurance companies.

#NYTimes – Trump says privately he regrets going along w/ Ryan for quick healthcare reform. Because nothing EVER is @realDonaldTrump’s fault

 

Fox News headline says Trumpcare is “on life support.” Well, life support no doubt won’t be covered going forward either.

Trumpcare to exclude preventive care maternity care & pediatric care. While GOP defunds Planned Parenthood. Again 4 words -Pro life my ass.

More populism at its finest. The House today just voted to strike down privacy rules that kept internet providers like AT&T and Comcast from selling your web browsing history without permission.
Make Advertisers Great Again?! #SMH

In Kentucky, a 4-year old is dead after he accidentally shot himself with a gun that the boy’s uncle, a police officer, had left in his truck. #Ifonlyhewerearmed

 

Washington Post reports that the OMB turned down the Secret Service request for an additional $60 million this year to handle security for Trump & his family. Which means per the Post “the agency will likely have to divert other spending to handle the additional burden..
No worries, the only other duties of the agency involve things like cyber crime, credit card/identity fraud. and cases involving missing/exploited minors. Do we feel great again yet?

 

Whatever Happened To … waking up in the morning and not saying “Our President said WHAT?”

From Marc Ragovin, one more on Chuck Barris – “RIP Chuck Barris: Gong but not forgotten.”

Against all odds

February 15, 2017

Tiger Woods is 20-1 in Las Vegas to win a major in 2017. A major what?

 

Texas Gov. Greg Abbott is upset that the NFL might not award future Super Bowls to the state if an anti-transgender bathroom bill passes: “The NFL needs to concentrate on playing football and get the heck out of politics.”
Uh huh. Just guessing most Texans would go for rainbow pins and unisex bathrooms if the alternative is giving up any football.

At a Louisiana high school, Alabama has been banned from campus because of “unethical football recruiting practices.” I’m sure it’s just coincidence that the school is in Baton Rouge.  (home of LSU)

Trump says that unlike President Obama he is not going to publicly fill out a March Madness bracket. But no doubt  he will tell us after the tournament that of course he picked all the winners. A perfect score, the best ever.

Apparently quite a number of celebrities have volunteered to play Trump aides on SNL. The show is getting to be almost as cool again for a cameo as the Simpsons. (or decades ago, Batman.)

Senate voted to block Obama rule prohibiting people w/ serious mental disorders from buying guns. What could go wrong?

All these headlines “Andrew Puzder withdraws” Too bad Frederick Trump didn’t.

Andrew Puzder, who according to CBS News told friends he was “very tired of the abuse” he was getting, is withdrawing his nomination as Labor Secretary. Great choice of words for a man who admitted to employing an undocumented housekeeper and has been accused of domestic violence against his ex-wife.

Who knew an act of resistance might become simply buying a copy of the @NYTimes or @washingtonpost?

 

Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria is being considered for ambassador to France. Tonight Jared Kushner’s father Charles, a convicted felon who’s served prison time, said his family has decided not to try to buy the team.
So at least for now, MLB remains a Trump-free zone. #smallmercies

Trump is now tweeting that NSA &d FBI are “just like Russia.” Well that ought to improve his relations with the intelligence community.

Well, well, well… someone finally remembered where he put his backbone – John McCain says he will oppose confirmation of Trump budget nominee Mick Mulvaney

As of Oct. 2015, there were 8 investigations into Benghazi.  Led by same people who don’t think it’s worth spending time on Russia & election

GOP Reps. Jason Chaffetz and Bob Goodlatte today asked the Inspector General to “begin an immediate investigation into whether classified information was mishandled” with the leaks that led to Michael Flynn’s resignation.
Funny, I missed their outrage when Trump asked Russia to find Hillary’s missing emails.

 

 

Falling towards spring.

February 15, 2017

Royals pitcher Brian Flynn apparently injured himself by falling through the roof of his barn. Was he washing his truck at the time?

Magic Johnson says on fixing the Lakers that he “wants Kobe to be a part of it.” Well, guess Magic doesn’t think one problem is team chemistry.

The Marlins have lifted their ban on facial hair. So did the team decide they might as well mollify players since they won’t get a chance for playoff beards.

 

All outraged people out there, write yourselves a note, do whatever you need to put it in calendar for next election. “VOTE VOTE VOTE.”

Okay, is it too soon to start a pool on when #kelleyannconway might resign to spend more time with her family?

So is it too early to add @realDonaldTrump to Trump administration resignation bingo game?

 

What if this was all simply a plot to put Mike Pence in the White House?

Trump tweeting his Nothing-to-see-here with Michael Flynn. “The real story here is why are there so many illegal leaks coming out of Washington? Will these leaks be happening as I deal on N.Korea etc?”
Uh, Donald, who needs illegal leaks when you share your dealings with N. Korea with everyone in the MarALago dining room?

Sean Spicer says Flynn resigned. Kellyanne Conway says Trump asked him to resign. Melissa McCarthy and Kate McKinnon better not plan on any Saturday nights off for a while.

So Kellyanne Conway says Flynn resigned because he “knew he’d become a lightning rod.” And he was making the other lightning rods jealous?

Sean Spicer “Irony of situation is President has been incredibly tough on Russia.” Is this some weird political remake of 50 Shades?

 

Sean Spicer -Trump “had an incredibly productive set of meetings & discussions w/ Prime Minster Joe Trudeau of Canada.” To be fair, neither Spicer nor Trump speak Canadian.

CNN is reporting Moscow has deployed a cruise missile in an apparent treaty violation. Uh oh, does that mean Trump might threaten not to send Putin as big a bouquet next Valentine’s Day?

 

 

William Henry Harrison, 32 days, shortest Presidential term ever. So @realDonaldTrump still has 7 days to break record.

from don sherman

“A lot of people are upset that President Trump a phone call on an unsecured phone in front of hundreds of people. REALLY!!!

They should be questioning was, at the time they just served a wedge of ICEBERG lettuce with Blue Cheese dressing.
Iceberg lettuce is the cheapest, least nutritious there is. It cost about a dollar ahead, and can produce 6-8 wedges per head. And he is using it for a state dinner? And an even more important question.

Did it come from California or MEXICO?”