Posted tagged ‘baseball jokes’

Ouch

April 17, 2017

SF Giants AAA reliever Kyle Crick sustained a concussion in dugout when hit by a foul ball. Was he texting Jeremy Affeldt at the time?

Just guessing that there aren’t going to be that many game 7s in the first round of the NBA playoffs.

 

If anyone thinks Spurs are boring to watch, they don’t know basketball. And they certainly haven’t watched Kawhi Leonard

Rape allegations against former 49er Ray McDonald have been dropped after the alleged victim refused to testify. Well, no doubt she had her rea$on$.

Boeing announces layoffs of hundreds of engineers, after 1800+ “voluntary layoffs.” in March.   Missed Trump tweet taking credit. #Jobsjobsjobs!

Weeks after a bridge in Atlanta collapsed, another major highway is closed because an underground gas leak caused the fast lane to buckle. But hey, Georgia’s GOP-controlled legislature just passed an income tax cut. Who needs roads? #letthemtakeprivatesplanes

New Supreme Court Justice Gorsuch asked many questions during oral arguments today. Clarence Thomas – “you can do that?

Trump  when asked for his message today for North Korea. “They have to behave.” “Back at ya” said most of the world now to the US.

A Southwest Airlines pilot was arrested at Albany Airport for having a loaded gun in his carry-on at a TSA check point. I think I see a new United Airlines marketing campaign – “We might beat you up but we won’t shoot you.”

Trump tweeted recommendation today for book “Reasons to vote for Democrats.” The blank book is $9.95. is author giving him cut of profits?

Mike Pence “We’re going to abandon the failed policy of strategic patience” with North Korea. Anyone but me think “having avoided Nuclear war” is not necessarily a failed policy?

A dying Oregon man apparently passed away happy  after his ex-wife, who he was friendly enough with, told him Donald Trump had been impeached. #Thatswhatfriendsarefor

Trump robocall for the Georgia special election; “If you don’t vote tomorrow Ossoff will raise your taxes, destroy your healthcare and flood our country with illegal immigrants.”
Hmm, considering the GOP would still have a solid House majority Jon Ossoff must be a powerful man indeed.

Long time

March 23, 2017

San Antonio Spurs tonight paid tribute to WWII vet Richard Overton, who at 110 years old is the oldest living veteran. And one of the few men alive who remembers Tim Duncan’s rookie year.

A five minute plus instant replay stoppage w/ 1:59 left in #WestVirginia #Gonzaga game making fans long for crisp speed of MLB instant replay

The Oakland As are offering a free cap to any fan who trades in any SF Giants cap. Well, if someone wants a hat in better condition – .A’s caps ARE less likely to be worn out from being worn through the playoffs.

 

When you do not score in the last 2:52 of the 2nd half, it’s pretty hard to win a Sweet Sixteen game. #Arizona #Xavier #marchmadness

#ESPN allowing people who regret their #MarchMadness choices to do a “Second Chance Bracket.” Any way we can do that for the US election?

Matt Barnes, now with the Warriors about playing his former team the Sacramento Kings Friday. “I’m trying to kill them Plain and simple. Things didn’t go well there.”
Great statement from a player with an arrest history now facing a 2017 trial for domestic violence.

Patriots to visit White House on April 19. Wouldn’t it be simpler to invite Kraft, Brady & anyone else who wants to attend to Maralago?

Theresa May opens parliament as usual. #WeAreNotAfraid trending. Well played London, well played.

Fortune magazine names  Theo Epstein greatest leader in world. So is everyone connected with 3-time WS Champion @SFGiants chopped liver?

Trumpcare did not come to a vote today due to lack of GOP support. Can’t wait to see how they’re going to blame this on Obama.

New poll showed today only 17% of Americans support  Trumpcare. Wow. Didn’t know that many people worked for insurance companies.

#NYTimes – Trump says privately he regrets going along w/ Ryan for quick healthcare reform. Because nothing EVER is @realDonaldTrump’s fault

 

Fox News headline says Trumpcare is “on life support.” Well, life support no doubt won’t be covered going forward either.

Trumpcare to exclude preventive care maternity care & pediatric care. While GOP defunds Planned Parenthood. Again 4 words -Pro life my ass.

More populism at its finest. The House today just voted to strike down privacy rules that kept internet providers like AT&T and Comcast from selling your web browsing history without permission.
Make Advertisers Great Again?! #SMH

In Kentucky, a 4-year old is dead after he accidentally shot himself with a gun that the boy’s uncle, a police officer, had left in his truck. #Ifonlyhewerearmed

 

Washington Post reports that the OMB turned down the Secret Service request for an additional $60 million this year to handle security for Trump & his family. Which means per the Post “the agency will likely have to divert other spending to handle the additional burden..
No worries, the only other duties of the agency involve things like cyber crime, credit card/identity fraud. and cases involving missing/exploited minors. Do we feel great again yet?

 

Whatever Happened To … waking up in the morning and not saying “Our President said WHAT?”

From Marc Ragovin, one more on Chuck Barris – “RIP Chuck Barris: Gong but not forgotten.”

Against all odds

February 15, 2017

Tiger Woods is 20-1 in Las Vegas to win a major in 2017. A major what?

 

Texas Gov. Greg Abbott is upset that the NFL might not award future Super Bowls to the state if an anti-transgender bathroom bill passes: “The NFL needs to concentrate on playing football and get the heck out of politics.”
Uh huh. Just guessing most Texans would go for rainbow pins and unisex bathrooms if the alternative is giving up any football.

At a Louisiana high school, Alabama has been banned from campus because of “unethical football recruiting practices.” I’m sure it’s just coincidence that the school is in Baton Rouge.  (home of LSU)

Trump says that unlike President Obama he is not going to publicly fill out a March Madness bracket. But no doubt  he will tell us after the tournament that of course he picked all the winners. A perfect score, the best ever.

Apparently quite a number of celebrities have volunteered to play Trump aides on SNL. The show is getting to be almost as cool again for a cameo as the Simpsons. (or decades ago, Batman.)

Senate voted to block Obama rule prohibiting people w/ serious mental disorders from buying guns. What could go wrong?

All these headlines “Andrew Puzder withdraws” Too bad Frederick Trump didn’t.

Andrew Puzder, who according to CBS News told friends he was “very tired of the abuse” he was getting, is withdrawing his nomination as Labor Secretary. Great choice of words for a man who admitted to employing an undocumented housekeeper and has been accused of domestic violence against his ex-wife.

Who knew an act of resistance might become simply buying a copy of the @NYTimes or @washingtonpost?

 

Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria is being considered for ambassador to France. Tonight Jared Kushner’s father Charles, a convicted felon who’s served prison time, said his family has decided not to try to buy the team.
So at least for now, MLB remains a Trump-free zone. #smallmercies

Trump is now tweeting that NSA &d FBI are “just like Russia.” Well that ought to improve his relations with the intelligence community.

Well, well, well… someone finally remembered where he put his backbone – John McCain says he will oppose confirmation of Trump budget nominee Mick Mulvaney

As of Oct. 2015, there were 8 investigations into Benghazi.  Led by same people who don’t think it’s worth spending time on Russia & election

GOP Reps. Jason Chaffetz and Bob Goodlatte today asked the Inspector General to “begin an immediate investigation into whether classified information was mishandled” with the leaks that led to Michael Flynn’s resignation.
Funny, I missed their outrage when Trump asked Russia to find Hillary’s missing emails.

 

 

Falling towards spring.

February 15, 2017

Royals pitcher Brian Flynn apparently injured himself by falling through the roof of his barn. Was he washing his truck at the time?

Magic Johnson says on fixing the Lakers that he “wants Kobe to be a part of it.” Well, guess Magic doesn’t think one problem is team chemistry.

The Marlins have lifted their ban on facial hair. So did the team decide they might as well mollify players since they won’t get a chance for playoff beards.

 

All outraged people out there, write yourselves a note, do whatever you need to put it in calendar for next election. “VOTE VOTE VOTE.”

Okay, is it too soon to start a pool on when #kelleyannconway might resign to spend more time with her family?

So is it too early to add @realDonaldTrump to Trump administration resignation bingo game?

 

What if this was all simply a plot to put Mike Pence in the White House?

Trump tweeting his Nothing-to-see-here with Michael Flynn. “The real story here is why are there so many illegal leaks coming out of Washington? Will these leaks be happening as I deal on N.Korea etc?”
Uh, Donald, who needs illegal leaks when you share your dealings with N. Korea with everyone in the MarALago dining room?

Sean Spicer says Flynn resigned. Kellyanne Conway says Trump asked him to resign. Melissa McCarthy and Kate McKinnon better not plan on any Saturday nights off for a while.

So Kellyanne Conway says Flynn resigned because he “knew he’d become a lightning rod.” And he was making the other lightning rods jealous?

Sean Spicer “Irony of situation is President has been incredibly tough on Russia.” Is this some weird political remake of 50 Shades?

 

Sean Spicer -Trump “had an incredibly productive set of meetings & discussions w/ Prime Minster Joe Trudeau of Canada.” To be fair, neither Spicer nor Trump speak Canadian.

CNN is reporting Moscow has deployed a cruise missile in an apparent treaty violation. Uh oh, does that mean Trump might threaten not to send Putin as big a bouquet next Valentine’s Day?

 

 

William Henry Harrison, 32 days, shortest Presidential term ever. So @realDonaldTrump still has 7 days to break record.

from don sherman

“A lot of people are upset that President Trump a phone call on an unsecured phone in front of hundreds of people. REALLY!!!

They should be questioning was, at the time they just served a wedge of ICEBERG lettuce with Blue Cheese dressing.
Iceberg lettuce is the cheapest, least nutritious there is. It cost about a dollar ahead, and can produce 6-8 wedges per head. And he is using it for a state dinner? And an even more important question.

Did it come from California or MEXICO?”

A plague on both your houses?

September 28, 2016

Colin Kaepernick after Monday’s Presidential debate said “Both are proven liars and it almost seems like they’re trying to debate who’s less racist.”
Well, suppose it’s a good thing there’s no chance the SF 49ers will be making a White House visit any time soon.

 

Could someone inform the #SFGiants that if you score 12 runs in 2 games it’s not a bad idea to split them up?

Matt Duffy apparently stopped by the #SFGiants clubhouse today. Could he lend the team #Skeeter?

Interesting point on bullpens in the postseason made by Tom Verducci in SI.com today – the percentage games won by relief pitchers in the regular season and then in post season: 1965-68 – 26.8% and 8%. 1995-98 – 30.0% and 35.4%. 2012-2015 – 30.4% and 41.3%.
Of course Madbum in 2014 was both a starter AND a reliever. #SFGiants

Arguing that being banned from baseball didn’t mean its Hall of Fame, Pete Rose apparently has made a direct appeal to the Hall to restore his eligibility. Wonder what his odds are?

A fan who proposed to his girlfriend at Yankee Stadium during a Red Sox Yankees game had to hunt in the seats for the ring which he dropped as he dropped to a knee. Fortunately the ring was found and she said yes. Did the happy couple get an autographed ball from Starlin Castro?

(for those going, huh?, Castro is not known for his defense.)

If @realDonaldTrump bails on the next two debates will @HillaryClinton try to borrow Clint Eastwood’s chair?

Some say that @realDonaldTrump will learn from his mistakes in 1st debate. That assumes that Trump actually ever thinks he makes mistakes.

Now Donald Trump, Jr. is praising his father’s “courage” for not mentioning Bill Clinton’s cheating on Monday night “out of respect for Chelsea.”
Right, so anyone want to start a pool on how many times the thrice-married Trump and his family will congratulate themselves for not mentioning infidelity?

 

Gary Johnson was asked today to name his favorite foreign leader, and he couldn’t do it, finally admitting “I’m having a brain freeze.” So what’s Johnson’s plan after the election, running for Governor of Texas?

It’s too easy as a U.S.woman to criticize Gary Johnson for not being able to name his favorite foreign leader  Justin Trudeau.  Next question?

So with Arizona Republic, the Dallas Morning News and the CIncinnati Enquirer breaking with long tradition and joining more liberal papers to endorse a Democrat for President, wonder if Trump’s plan if elected will be to eliminate all press credentials.

Busted aces?

June 26, 2016

Last night Madison Bumgarner gave up 3 runs.  Today Johnny Cueto gave up 6 runs,  Justin Verlander gave up 8 runs, and Clayton Kershaw gave up 4 runs. Okay, this really could be a sign of the apocalypse.

On other hand, Sunday the Royals, Rangers, Orioles, Marlins, Indians, Twins, Angels, As, Dbacks, Rockies, Cardinals, Mariners, Giants and Phillies all have scored at least 6 runs.  So maybe Kershaw’s four runs weren’t that bad.

 ·

Congrats to Arizona and Coastal Carolina who will meet in the finals of the College World Series. Many people are thinkng “I didn’t know Coastal Carolina had a baseball team. Heck, many people are thinking, “I didn’t even know Coastal Carolina had a university.

 

The Pittsburgh Pirates won three games from the LA Dodgers this weekend. No punchline, I just liked writing that. ‪#‎SFGiants‬.

 

Cubs’ ace Jake Arrieta, a TCU alum, apparently has to get a CCU tattoo after losing a bet to teammate Tommy La Stella, a Coastal Carolina alum, over the College World Series.
Uh, wouldn’t you think Arrieta is making enough money he could have risked something less painful like a car or a Rolex? ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

Pete Rose was very emotional today at a ceremony the Cincinnati Reds had to retire his number. Wonder what odds he had gotten on it happening?

Mitch McConnell when asked if Donald Trump is qualified for the presidency, said he’ll “leave that to the American people to decide.” Wait, don’t we elect Senators to make the tough decisions for us?

In Lebanon, an endangered sea turtle is being treated by a rescue group after tourists dragged it out of the water, and apparently took selfies with it and beat it with sticks. Where is a great white shark when you really need one?

Of course we knew that Palin would weigh in Brexit. Not only did she congratulate England but “America can learn an encouraging lesson from this.’It is time to dissolve political bands that connect us to agendas not in our best interest. May UN shackles be next on the chopping block,’
Uh, Sarah, even North Korea is part of the UN….

SF Chronicle is reporting the story of a man whose North Beach apartment rent instantly jumped from $1,800 to $8000 a month. Many people will read this and go “That’s appalling.” Some San Franciscans will read this and go “You can get an apartment in North Beach for $8,000 a month?”

 

After ‪#‎Chile‬‘s win over ‪#‎Argentina‬ in ‪#‎COPA‬, Lionel ‪#‎Messi‬ says he is quitting the Argentina national team -#Messi-exit?

Gentlemen, coast your engines…

May 29, 2016

Alexander Rossi, who won the Indianapolis 500, decided not to pit late, so was running on fumes and literally coasting as he finished the race. So how many men will start explaining running out of gas to their wives and girlfriends – “Really, I was just trying to emulate an Indy driver.”

Auto racing is weird. How many other sports have the “highlights” later basically be a blooper tape? ‪#‎crashes‬ ‪#‎Indy500‬

Ah for the good old days, when on Memorial Day weekend Americans who liked to watch complete wrecks could watch the Indy 500, instead of our Presidential race.

Really? The ‪#‎Indy500‬ is now being marketed as part of the “Verizon IndyCar series?” ‪#‎howthemightyhavefallen‬

So the ‪#‎Dodgers‬ are coming to SF to play the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ in 2 weeks. Is it too late to organize a ‪#‎Giants‬ laser pointer giveaway? ‪#‎LaserGate‬

Lost in yesterday’s ‪#‎SFGiants‬ 10-5 win vs ‪#‎Rockies‬: Winning pitcher Cory Gearrin also got his 1st at bat. And 1st hit. ‪#‎PitchersWhoRake‬

Donald Trump has apparently narrowed his potential running mates to a “very small” list. Because there are only a “very small” number of people who will run with him?

 

Bernie Sanders today on “Meet the Press” said that while he thinks Donald Trump would be a “disaster” as President,  it is “the candidate’s job,”  to draw voters in — not the second-place finisher’s job to instruct them on how to vote.

For all Bernie’s talk about changing the Democratic party, that was sure spoken like a man who is planning to switch his registration back to Independent after the election is over.

 

Shouldn’t an 8-3 lead in the 9th inning at ‪#‎CoorsField‬ be counted as a save situation? ‪#‎SFGiants‬ ‪#‎Rockies‬

 

 

Wow. The Mets’ Asdrúbal Cabrera a home run hard off ‪#‎Kershaw‬. Who does he think he is? Madison Bumgarner?

Meanwhile, Kershaw has more than 200 million reasons to get over it. But as much as I dislike the Dodgers, have to admit,  manager Davy Roberts pulls him in the 8th with two outs and a runner on first. The reliever promptly gives up the tying run, and get the win when the Dodgers come back in the 9th.  #baseballisacruelgame

 

From T.C.  “I know nusink about US politics, but I used to play ‘Bridge’. “3 No Trump” sounds like it may be a rallying slogan for his opposition?”