Posted tagged ‘baseball jokes’

Treading water.

August 30, 2019

As SF Giants, with a record right around .500  decide how big an offer to tender Madison Bumgarner, hope they look at team record when he starts since June 20 – 11 and 2.

Arizona Diamondbacks have now set a major league mediocrity record by being within 2 games of .500 for 60 games.
Some may snicker. But Orioles fans haven’t seen within 2 game of .500 since opening week.’

Seattle Seahawks waived former Broncos first round pick QB Paxton Lynch, in favor of keeping Gino Smith as Russell Wilson’s backup.

But hey, Lynch will still probably get an offer this season before Colin Kaepernick.

 

Trump did seem particularly unhinged today. Is he worried about Mar-A-Lago? Or did someone tell him that even though he canceled his Poland trip it would be bad optics this weekend to go golfing?

 

 

Trump, asked if he was worried about Mar-A-Lago with Hurricane Dorian “You know, I haven’t even thought about it until the question was just broached a little while ago. Yeah, it would look like Mar-a-Lago is dead center.”
“I haven’t even’t thought about it.”
Two words. Yeah. Right.

Politico reports that Trump personal aide Madeleine Westerhout was fired for gossiping about Trump and his family – “and that the president did not like being in pictures with Tiffany because he perceived her as overweight.”
Really-really-really round pot, meet less-round kettle.

Tiffany Trump is a student at Georgetown Law School. If only she had picked a profession where she could someday get back at her father…

On a brighter note, Trump’s comments about Tiffany have made millions of American dads feel better about their own parenting skills.

White House says Trump faked phone call with Chinese leaders “to project optimism that might boost markets,” and it barely makes the news cycle.

Meanwhile, for most of us, attempted market manipulation is a felony.

So the same week Trump attacks Comey for releasing information even Barr’s DOJ wouldn’t indict him over, he tweets out a classified picture from Iran even his Pentagon says he shouldn’t have… Are we great yet?

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Actually keeping score?

August 29, 2019

Ok. I get that some people think I’m a little obsessed to be stressed about Democratic Presidential primaries this early. And yet there are folks who are seriously stressed about the scores of week 4 pre-season NFL football.

With back-to-back home runs today, Minnesota Twins broke the major league record season for most home runs on the road. which was 138. And there’s a full month left in the season.
But sure, Barry Bonds is the one whose home run total should have an asterisk…

At least for remainder of season can 2019 SF Giants officially retire the term “home field advantage?

Two weeks after Chris Davis had a dugout confrontation with manager Brandon Hyde, Orioles reliever Richard Bleier and 3rd-base coach Jose David Flores also ended up in a public shouting match in the dugout.
Baltimore fans just wish the team would show that much energy on the field.

Alex Trebek is back at work taping the new season of “Jeopardy!,” five months after being diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer.

“What is really good news?”

 

Travel rant.  Austrian Airlines and Lufthansa are offering a scheduled LEGAL connection between a Vienna to Frankfurt flight and a Frankfurt to San Francisco flight that is 45 minutes!?!
So will transfer assistance be provided by flying pig?

The latest wannabe mass shooter at High Point University told police he was trying to get into a fraternity and that “if his roommate got into a fraternity and he didn’t, he had a plan to kill his roommate and himself.”
But no, we don’t have an epidemic of white male privilege.

 

Interesting timing. Trump wants G7 at Mar-a-Lago and mean bitch Karma along with Mother Nature remind him. “Dude, it’s hurricane season.”

 

Well, since most bugs can’t swim Hurricane Dorian might take care of the Doral bed bug problem.

Trump today canceled his trip to Poland.   Guess it’s just as well Trump had already canceled Danish part of European trip. Does anyone think Mother Pence would have let Mike have dinner with the very attractive Danish Prime Minister?

 

 

Does anyone think Trump would have canceled his trip if he were scheduled to go to Buckingham Palace? Or to one of his rallies?  Or to one of his golf resorts?

Outta here

August 21, 2019

Baltimore Orioles just tied record of 258 for most home runs allowed in season, set by 2016 Cincinnati Reds who play at the Little League field known as “Great American Ballpark.” Mariners, Angels, Yankees, and Phillies are all on pace to break the record too.
But no, the ball isn’t juiced.

How juiced is the 2019 MLB baseball? If Duane Kuiper were playing now he’d have hit TWO home runs.

Houston Astros were one of the largest favorites in MLB game ever when Justin Verlander took mound against the Detroit Tigers tonight.

And they lost 2-1.  They also lost in extra innings as huge favorites to the Orioles recently.. And then wonder what the odds were when Verlander started WS Game 1 in 2012 against SF Giants and Barry Zito?

Maybe the Houston should beg Vegas to make them longshots to win the World Series?

Sean Spicer on #DWTS? Because he has so much experience Dancing with the Truth?

I’m so old that I remember when Ted Cruz falsely claimed in his Presidential campaign that he “had a president in the White House who has a messiah complex.”
And now that we have one who actually DOES…..?

If Alec Baldwin on SNL as Trump described himself as “King of Israel,” many Republicans would complain the show had gone too far.
Yet Trump does it for real and GOP just shrugs.

Trump this morning referred to PM of Denmark as “nasty,” to himself as “King of Israel” and also “the chosen one.”
At this point beginning to think that anyone who doesn’t think he’s pathological is themselves pathological.

So where are all those in GOP who lost their collective sh*t over Obama’s executive orders now that Trump says he’s “very seriously” looking at trying to change the Constitution by executive order to eliminate birthright citizenship?
Asking for a country.

The man who referred to Mayor of London as a “stone cold loser,” Justin Trudeau as “dishonest and weak, and to Africa as having “shithole countries” now responds to Danish PM’s saying his proposal to buy Greenland is “absurd” by calling her “nasty.”
Are we great yet?

 

So if Governor Gavin Newsom calls Trump “absurd” does that mean that Donald will call off all future trips to California? Oh please oh please…

Golden heat

February 19, 2018

Damn, those of us Americans already jealous of Canada for Justin Trudeau have now added Virtue and Moir to the list.

 

Sorry, ABC viewers tonight. #VirtueAndMoir are so much sexier than ANY episode of #TheBachelor

So wonder how many men joined their wives and girlfriends tonight watching ice dancing in hopes of another wardrobe malfunction?

Canadian & German bobsledders are either great sports or have really good looking sisters. #Gold #Olympics  (they tied.)

MLB is going to limit mound visits to 6 per game, by managers, coaches & players combined, without a pitching change. The horror – how will a team discuss wedding presents? #Candlesticksalwaysmakeanicegift

Last night at NBA All Star game, Roseanne Barr saw her torch for all time worst National Anthem grabbed off the floor by Fergie.

 

Russia, or rather OAR  could lose a bronze medal over alleged doping in… men’s curling. So what will be Alexander Krushelnytsky’s excuse – “chicks dig the long rock?”

GM Sandy Alderson says he thinks Tim Tebow will “play in the major leagues” someday. Or at least he’ll play for the Mets?

Sunday was #NationalDrinkWineDay Although since Trump’s inauguration, for many Americans EVERY day has been #NationalDrinkWineDay

School shooting survivors Emma Gonzalez & David Hogg said today they aren’t attending Trump’s “listening session” this week. That moment when kids have more courage of their convictions than the GOP congress.

On #PresidentsDay not sure there is anything more damning for our current @POTUS that he thinks grinning “thumbs up” picture after a high school massacre is not only appropriate but should be his Twitter picture.

I think more teachers would consider being armed if they were allowed to bring their weapons to contract negotiations.

So now Trump position is that Russia didn’t meddle in 2016 and it was Obama’s fault anyway.

That moment when POTUS asks his wealthy friends about gun control at Mar-A-Lago, where they are all protected by an armed Secret Service….

Is it too much to ask for a President who respects the FBI and CIA half as much as he respects the NRA?

Trump just endorsed Mitt Romney. Apparently he’s so desperate to be on the winning side expect POTUS to endorse Golden State Warriors next.

and about 45 minutes later, this tweet from Mitt “Thank you Mr. President for the support. I hope that over the course of the campaign I also earn the support and endorsement of the people of Utah.”

So who had “less than an hour” in the “How long would it take Mitt Romney to sell his soul?” pool.

Whatever you think about @BillClinton, he had friends and associates who remained loyal, even going to jail for him. Just guessing no one will fall on their sword for @realDonaldTrump

And then there were 8.

October 13, 2017

Congrats to Syracuse and Cal. Would enjoy this more if it didn’t mean more likelihood of 2 SEC teams in the playoffs.

Now can someone beat #Alabama.

 

Two top 10 teams have lost before #CollegeGameDay even starts.

ESPN  called WSU vs Call  “College Football Primetime.” It’s 1:56a on the East Coast.   WTF?

Apparently never bet against Smokey Bears.#Calfootball #CaliforniaWildfires #bustohell

Reminder to all those who want to dump on Dusty Baker. He didn’t tell Jose Labaton to take a long lead off 1st base last night.

Not claiming as a woman sports fan that I know everything. And , maybe not even enough to competently discuss the physicality of routes with Cam Newton. But I sure as hell know that as the tailing runner in a late inning one-run elimination game at HOME you don’t even THINK about the kind of lead that might get you picked off first.

Thank you #Astros & #Yankees for at least temporarily playing something recognizable as good baseball. #ALDS

#ARod now says he used PEDs because he felt “responsibility” to bounce back from injuries since the Yankees had invested so much money in him.   Again, I think,  I like “pushed into a lifeboat”  better.

NFL not moving #Chargers #Raiders game. League feels air will not be that bad, & they don’t need Oakland fans in a couple years anyway.

Weinstein “We all make mistakes.” Uh, a mistake is a bad night, a bad choice, even maybe a bad relationship. Not a decades-long pattern.

Saying young healthy people don’t need good health insurance is like saying no one who hasn’t had an accident needs car insurance.

Trump says he met with “The President of the Virgin Islands.” Can’t wait until November when Donald travels to Hawaii

Trump also proclaimed week of Oct. 15-21 “National Character Counts Week.” In related news , the Pot has proclaimed Oct 15-21 “National Black Kettle Week.”

So if you’re looking on a map is Tanzaynia next to Nambia?

 

Seriously, if Weinstein is just one of many powerful men guilty of criminal behavior then why doesn’t some actress speak up RIGHT NOW if she’s been the victim of someone else? The climate will never be more supportive and maybe we can remove another predator, or two, from a position of power.

No relief

October 7, 2017

SF Giants may have just lost the title of “Most Complete Bullpen Meltdown in Recent Playoff History.” #Yankees #ALDS

On the other hand, the Indians may never lose again.

Aroldis Chapman “liked” Instagram comment saying that Yankees mgr Joe Girardi was an”imbecile.” Ah for the good old days when players just whined off-the-record to reporters.

Right about now a whole lot of AL teams, including Red Sox would sign a petition to move the Houston Astros back to the NL #ALDS

NHL’s Jiri Hudler accused of trying to urinate on food cart, demanding cocaine on Delta flt. Who says hockey players aren’t real athletes?

Secret Service has paid over $137,000 just to rent golf carts at Bedminster & Mar-A-Lago. But Puerto Rico’s throwing our budget out of whack

Apparently Vegas killer tried buying legal tracer ammunition, which lights up when shot. Hunters really need more of advantage against deer?

Secret Service has paid over $137,000 just to rent golf carts at Bedminster & Mar-A-Lago. But Puerto Rico’s throwing our budget out of whack

This is Canadian Thanksgiving weekend. This year,  Canada is thankful they can mostly avoid President Trump.

So current GOP plan is to deny women birth control & then be out of office when unplanned babies grow up to vote Democratic?

If Harvey Weinstein was a Trump supporter all of his harassment would have been dismissed as “locker room banter.

I’m liberal & condemn Harvey Weinstein. Why can’t conservatives condemn pussy-grabber-in-chief?

When Trump said he was going to drain the swamp he didn’t tell us all the new alligators would be flying in on private planes.

As Trump gets rid of birth control mandate assume govt will still provide to staffers so Congress won’t have abortion issues w/ mistresses?

Can a woman-owned company pls file lawsuit saying they feel it’s morally wrong to cover Viagra prescriptions for unmarried men?

Does Trump know efforts to undo EVERY single Obama action will someday give another President Carte Blanche to undo all of his?

 

Open notes to @realDonaldTrump on NewOrleans. A) Mayor Landrieu is popular, B) some speak French or Creole but part of US, C)-not an island

Risky business.

September 20, 2017

After a child sitting five rows up was hit by a foul ball at Yankee Stadium, some are calling again for netting all the way to the foul line.
Now, no doubt it was traumatic for the kid, but over 100 years children have also dreamed of getting autographs and souvenir baseballs before and during games. Children can also be injured, for example, in cars driving to the game.

And 3-4 children a year die playing baseball, including Little League.    Should we outlaw that too?

 

Looking at various online sites, at this rate fans going to #Rams #49ers at Levis Stadium Thurs. will pay more for a beer & a hot dog than their tickets.

Since the SFGiants brought Ryan Vogelsong back to retire a Giant, they have actually looked like a pretty decent baseball team. Coincidence?

My friend Paul S. also points out, the mini-resurgence also coincides with when we heard about Sam Dyson’s cat, Snuckles. And when Dyson brought Snuckles on the field…. Hey, whatever works.

44 years ago tonight Billie Jean King defeated Bobby Riggs. What’s amazing now is at the time some people were shocked. #BattleoftheSexes

Great pictures of #JohnKelly during Trumps #UNGA speech. Normally when people look that disgusted in New York they’re watching the Jets.

 

Trump on Iran nuclear deal “I have decided.” And “I’ll let you know what the decision is.” When, after the break? #PresidentialApprentice

Seaside, CA, police chief Robert Jackson resigned after posting racist comments and conspiracy theories jokes & commentary on his FB page. Monterey County Weekly reported he didn’t understand the privacy settings: This is alarming to me. I didn’t realize it was that open to the public”
What’s more alarming, that Jackson is a racist, or that he’s stupid enough to post anything online without checking how it works?

Trump mispronounced African country “Namibia” as “Nambia.” But give him a break,  guessing  President just heard name for 1st time from advisor yesterday.

Trump tweet “Graham-Cassidy Bill is GREAT! Ends Ocare.”
Translation, ANYTHING is great if it ends something Obama did.

 

Sorry that #IvankaTrump had “some level of postpartum depression.” But compared with not being to afford insurance for babies w/ birth defects?

When asked about Shanah Tovah assume @realDonaldTrump responded whatever Shanah says, she’s lying, wouldn’t have been my first choice.

#MelaniaTrump gives a speech at UN talking about the golden rule. Donald just has his own version – whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Trump insists people under proposed  #GrahamCassidy  bill can get covered for pre-existing conditions.   Right, exactly,  like they can buy homes in Trump Tower, if they have enough money.

 

At this point have to assume anyone in Trump administration charged w/ “draining the swamp” would charter private plane to fly & view the swamp